Rollercoaster of Love

 

I am still here, still above ground.
This post does ramble...
I am a swirl of thoughts feelings and moods in every hour of the day. 

I am still in a guinea pig level of this new medication...but I am cautiously hopeful that things might be working better. I haven't been in an ER since May and I count that as a win! I have locked down my diet even more, even though having an auto immune disease means that the food doesn't really play a part in the inflammation but can contribute to irritations. So I am experimenting even more on taking things from my diet, or massively limiting them.

It is exhausting and makes having tea with a friend VERY challenging. I am there sipping water while they eat or drink beverages I once enjoyed. They try and not make a big deal about it, but I see their looks, wondering if I eat at all...or if I am hungry or...who knows. 
I am trying to make it a practice of being present in a conversation and present with the person who has asked to share time and I choose to share time with as well.

 Honestly though, at times it is very hard to not show how I really feel about how scared I am. How I constantly fear that I might eat something that could send me into a ball of pain. How they might see how scared I am to eat anything I haven't made myself...how hyper cautious I am about everything, how this has massively changed my relationship with food, my body image, my self-esteem and wellbeing.

I am back to assisting with my parents in person. I was invited back to help. I have maintained all the stuff in the background, but was refused when I offered to help take them to appointments or help by dropping off meals. So I started with shuttling my father to his mental health appointment and was asked to sit in on the session. Another therapist saw how we interact with my father and saw how challenging it is. My father is a performer, and so he is 100% on when he is around people other than family; presenting a different version to the outside world than is true making up facts. The therapist sees it thankfully, which is reassuring.

I also took my father to his annual wellness check and it was ordered that he needed a treadmill test. I took him to that, and I think it was a shock to my father that he wasn't able to last more than 2 minutes on the walking pad before his legs gave out. He will be returning to the test, but via IV dyes and stimulants to test his heart. It has been heartbreaking and beautiful to see this side of my father. Beautiful in seeing how vulnerable he is, it is a rare thing to be able to witness this side of our parents, so I hold it as a precious thing.
Each of these visits leaves me spent: emotionally, and I want to comfort myself, I do what I can to refortify myself. When he was in aftercare after his fall, I would eat a bag of harvest snaps on the drive home, screaming in between when tension was so high. Now, I drive in complete silence, no snacks are okay at this time....

It is a rollercoaster

I am rule follower, but I am determined to find a path that will work for me. 
I had two social meetings this past weekend and both left me so tired. I joke that the person who says yes to these is a different person than who shows up. I know it is super important to be social, and connect with people who are not toxic, so I push myself to go. I enjoyed both events but I was pretty quiet afterwards. I have found myself looking at people and wondering what it is like to walk in their life, eat what they eat, socialize like they do. I have found myself so much more serious and introspective. I used to identify with Tigger and now I am a cross between Piglet and Eeyore. 

Has anyone else been feeling like this? A shift in how you are interacting with the world around you?

The Barren has returned from his trip to Canada and he mentioned that the city he had his business in was light and vibrant and happy. 
I said "was it like to not waking up in a pool of existential dread every day?" and although we laughed at it, it was true.

Soapbox moment to the universe: I love where I live, it really is pretty and the kind beautiful people I interact with...but at the same time I absolutely HATE this government and everyone who is playing along, justifying it, validating it, supporting it and downplaying it.

I have been hunkering down and trying to find a bit of loft in my mind. Sometimes I get so caught up in the downward spiral of thoughts....other times it is like I am rollerskating around big holes in the road. Currently my garden spots are bringing me joy. I have a community spot and a couple guerilla spots around my complex that I have planted and they are all thriving and bright with blooms and food. I am slowly exploring art making practices that are new and interesting. I am practing yoga multiple times a week and getting closer every class to making my goal of 1000 classes done by the end of the year. Today was class 968. There have been some wins and I am celebrating them. 

My life feels like a rollercoaster for sure, but I am still trying to see it through love lenses,
No matter how cheesy that is.

Last moon cycle of the decade

I have had my final cycle in this decade...it was early and unremarkable.

 I am a full moon bleeder and thanks to my bestie for pointing it out, a gift from the Goddess!

I had a whole other perspective on it when she said that!

I like to mark time with connections and this December on the full moon I had my period for this last time this decade. that seemed magical or special in some way.

I had vivid dreams about lost loves and mazes...

I moved slowly through the air, and space.

I spent the beginning of November taking family photos for friends that wanted images in time for Christmas cards and kids graduation from school...four weekends of time...four different locations

two toddlers, two teenagers and four adults trying desperately to keep up appearances.

I had fun, but was exhausted

I in fact, was taking photos of the toddler with the name I had picked out for my never to be born baby...that was surreal to say their name so many times...but the more I said it, the less personal it felt. I could feel myself moving farther and farther away from the emotional connection to the name. For that I am thankful and proud 

that I am able to still grow in a healthy way around that hole of hope.

The Barren and I both got a violent stomach thing, that had us on what felt like deaths door...

but we stuck together and got better, 

and I really never want to make soup in the soup-pot I barfed into.

no matter how many times I bleach it.

I had a coffee date with my pelvic ultrasound tech; because although she has seen my vagina and we know each other in a vastly different way, we like each other and it seemed like a natural way to simply connect with another woman. I had a nice time and it was refreshing to have a coffee date and chat about trees and hobbies and giggle a little.

The final exhibition of the year has begun and the art was previewed online two days before the doors opened for the reception...one of my two pieces sold in the first two hours of the preview day! 

I am also the only person selected to have two pieces in the exhibition that is not represented by the gallery...and as thrilling as that is, it is also a lot of pressure to sell the two works and "earn my special place" in the show....so that is a little bit of a mixed bag....

I was invited by the curator, to join a group of fellow women artists ahead of reception for a cocktail and it was amazing! I had such a lovely time, once again hearing funny stories of past loves and wild times. I felt like a grown ass woman and not someone that was coddled or tiptoed around.

One of my longest art friends and painter who is loved locally, attended the cocktail party but not the reception because she did not want to answer the " how are you" question over and over again. She was recovering from major surgery to remove a tumor that was found in her lung. She was diagnosed with lung cancer. (crazy healthy person, non smoker, total surprise) ..and kept it all quiet (continues to) and was kind enough to share it with me before the cocktail hour. She was concerned about ruining my night...I thanked her for trusting me with this and I was thankful that she shared it with me. Her closest painting partner was a train-wreck, wanting to fix and help but being held at arms distance...so I gave her extra hugs and smiles and told her that I was strong enough to carry whatever she needed.

It has been quite a mixed bag as the year winds out, 

I am mostly thankful with moments of darkness...

I am aware of mortality more often than any other time in my life so far.

I am massively in love with my husband...

thankful for my bestie, and family (even though they drive me nuts)

It is my favorite time of year, 

as I rise before the sun and come home as it is setting...

so I get to enjoy the magic of those moments of life.

I was sent this photo the other day....

that brick wall is the wall, that will display three of my large artworks in the new (still to open) hotel

it gave me a little thrill...

and hope that I might be able to do that again!

*****

I hope that you all find a moment of hope, maybe even just for that day

or dream of a whole life with more hope and freedom from sadness

I wish cold nights lead to magical dreams and sweet slumber that soothes your soul

xo

The Barreness

Resurface your skin

Thankfully, my unplugging is helping.

Another massive tragedy has hit my town and everyone is reeling and tender.

This came after I was scrolling the local paper for events for the extended weekend and found a mugshot of a man that was often our waiter at a local restaurant. 

In our interactions with him; he was kind, remembered us every-time we visited and had the kind of polite manners I remember we all were suppose to have as kids.

He was arrested for stabbing to death two people he knew. 

I think I am still in total shock about that too.

Then, like a morbid cherry on a fucked sundae, 

 I read about a friend (peer) that I use to work with loosing her husband unexpectedly in his sleep.

I have been doing yoga, 

working in the studio and making meals.

The Barren and I have been spending quiet time together 

and talking about all the scary reality that is hitting us all at the same time.

Parents aging and acting older

What do we want with our lives as we head into older years

Watching kids/nephews/nieces/ godchildren grow

facing responsibilities and taking care of our bodies

it all really sucks

I long for those carefree days of naive bliss

I read somewhere that to help maintain your mental cracks

when you are feeling depressed

overwhelmed and under-prepared

start with thinking about how you want to feel.

It seems quite patronizing but in my mind...I make it into an image.

I imagine a beautiful sun filtered field, butterflies flickering above the tall grass

a soothing breeze and the calm that comes from stepping into that image.

It has been helping me direct the overwhelming feelings into a space I can breathe again in.

I hope that the world has not overtaken you dear warriors

We have been walked over by hopes way too many times already.

Please try and fight to seize the joy that is still yours.

After Party

Niece is healed

I am thankful that she can do things like lay on her stomach and exercise again.

yeah science!

My birthday came and went

birthday outfit

I started the day with yoga...

turns out, the one person I chat with in morning classes is a birthday twin!

Never in my life have I known someone else who shares my birthday!

( I will call it mine even though it is hers too)

CRAZY

I had breakfast chessecake bars with my parents, 

along with an awkward but nice visit.

The Barren sent flowers to me, 

he hasn't done that in years!

and then I was alone...

I wondered what to do.

I bought myself some lunch out

I went to a thrift store

and then came home again still not sure what to do with myself.

I ended the night with some couch time with the cat and then off to bed.

I think I need to plan my birthday activities far better for next year.

I am left with a feeling of disappointment in myself.

The Barren returned and will be leaving again Sunday for another week away....

I am excited about what he will be able to do while away...but I miss him terribly.

I have yet to get my period too...

seems I am already all over the board with my cycles.

I took a pregnancy test yesterday...

just to cross that off my worry list.

Now it is a worry...before it would not have been,

TRANSITIONAL THINKING anyone??

The Barren asked if it felt weird peeing on a stick again...

I said it wasn't too weird except I could hear my heart beating in my ears.

The not bleeding thing is wild, and quite a convenient feature in my day.

I am apocalypse level loaded up on tampons and pads... and if things continue like this, 

I will make them into small grab bags for homeless women I encounter.

I was chatting with a yoga teacher before class the other day and she asked how I was feeling post birthday...she is a true star gazer and always keeps me in the loop about astro changes and how they are linked with mood and life...and I explained aside from the normal existential thoughts around your birthday it feels like something in percolating.

I eagerly await this wonderful new event!

I am done with negative shit

Cliff Diver

I just came back from a meeting at the GYN's

Yes a meeting, because I had questions!

I have been feeling quite unconnected from my body...

like I was chasing her across a field and calling for her.

She never turns around or answers...

I want her back.

I have been blue, and bloated and lethargic and skipping yoga to sleep.

I understand that some of it might be residual grief...but it felt different.

I have tried several pills and all paths have lead to constant spotting-light to heavy to bleeding.

I have not stopped taking the pill since thanksgiving (US) and aside from maybe two weeks...

I have been bleeding to some degree.

So I wondered if the pill was working anymore for me.....

and because all the women in my family have all had hysterectomies I had questions

that could not be answered by them.

No one had gone through peri-menopause before or carried several fibroids around.

Long story short....

I am stopping the pill tonight!

I am kind of excited and a little nervous...

but I know now that I have a medical someone on my side who understands that 

uterine ablation and D&C are on the bottom of my list.

I am hoping that my little 12week sized uterus will be happy with this choice

 and relax into retirement on her own.

I have options if the bleeding lasts longer than 10-14 days 

and I have options if there is pelvic pain.

Her theory is that I might not be having regular periods anymore and taking 

BCP is simply adding estrogen and making my uterus act all dramatic.

The Barren thinks this will be really good for me and proudly stated that 

he has no worries about it.

I will take that vote of confidence and hope.

So here I go....

I am about to jump from the cliff into the vast unknown

You are a wreck

So I went to the endo doctor....

I had The Barren come with me, well, because it was a male doctor and as sexist as that sounds often times when I have visited a male doctor they talk down to me unless The Barren is present.

It sucks and is sad, but true.

So I brought back-up

Also, I had MASSIVE white coat and I wanted a second set of ears to hear what my brain dropped with its high screeching sound.

I was sweating and anxious and although my clots had stopped on Monday, I was still spotting.

The doctor came into the exam room like a cowboy on a bulldozer.

Sat down in front of me with my folder and said:

"You are peri-menopausal.

that is why you are bleeding like this."

"We've met before, but you were asleep" (creepy)

He assisted on my ovarian cystectomy and stage four endo confirmation.

" yep, you are total mess, everything is just all mucked up in there."

He was trying to make light of things I think...but it came across a little like a used car salesman

He told me that when I got tired of bleeding I should consider a D&C or Uterine Ablation or both.

But first, 

" We need to do an endometrial biopsy, to confirm that you don't have uterine cancer. I don't think you do, but it is important to confirm that.

I have my nurse practitioners do them because I don't like to hurt people and they hurt. Because I have never had any children, my cervical opening is small or totally closed and they might not be able to do the biopsy, so if that is the case then they would do it with a D&C""

I saw The Barren go pale when the doctor described the process 

and I think I left my body at that moment.

He suggested that I double up on my BC pill to up the hormone and if it works then we can switch to another pill and just take them back to back.

Oh, and you can only take the pill until you are 50 so you only have a little bit of time left on that.

then you are considered Menopausal and you shouldn't be on the pill anymore.

I told him I was most afraid of having to have a hysterectomy and he told me that he had ZERO desire to do one, that he doesn't even have it on the list of options....unless needed.like uterine cancer.

That was a relief among the land mines.

He also said that caffeine or alcohol are not triggers for endo and that I should be drinking champagne whenever I want and enjoying my cup of tea in the morning.

I left the office with a biopsy appointment, with a nurse practitioner that was versed in the procedure of difficult subjects, and the lady at the front desk said she would ask if a should take some kind of medicine ahead of the procedure to help make it easier for us both...but it wasn't an anti-anxiety drug.

I left the appointment feeling like I had been run over by a mack truck!

I was dizzy and shaking and confused and so very sad.

I spoke to a pharmacist yesterday that confirmed that doubling up on the BC pill was a good option and if the spotting stopped then get a new prescription with that dose and take three 28 day packs back to back. 28 day packs have a wider range of dosages of hormone than the 91day generics I take.

I started last night and aside from some nausea this morning, I feel pretty alright and the spotting seems to be stopping too! 

I did yoga yesterday and today...that helped A LOT.

I am scared of the biopsy, but keep trying to focus on it being a 10-15 minute 

procedure and that the pain will be temporary.

The Barren is taking me to and from the appointment that day.

I am so done with this bullshit

I am done with doctors

I am done with the sadness

I am done with painful procedures

I am done with feeling so overwhelmed

but something somewhere in me won't let me totally give up and give in

I still have some dim flame of hope that this will be it, the last of it for a long spell 

The Monster

I have an appointment to see a gyno on Wednesday.

I have not stopped bleeding and throwing large clots since Tuesday. 

(it is Saturday night)

When I asked my doctors office for advice, they said:

  you are already on the pill, there is nothing more we can do.

After feeling set afloat and abandoned...

I started calling gyno offices to see who took my insurance...and booked an appointment to see someone new.

When I called on Tuesday in shock at what appeared to be another miscarriage, I was immediately dismissed and told it was impossible on the pill.

Feeling run over and emotionally hurt as well as terrified by what was happening to my body...

I requested a change in BC pill as I had been spotting since August.

It was requested and after some hunting down, I got it ordered and filled.

I am bleeding

a lot

I fear and expect that this is The Monster that has been laying in wait for all these years.

The same monster that I have managed since my surgery in 2012. 

The Monster that has been quiet until now....allowing me to be me and feel like I had some control.

I don't know what shifted back in July to start the spotting

and then the the bleeding in August

that didn't stop until the end of the month

and then the spotting to begin again in October and

here I am now entering my third week of bleeding.

I have no pain...so that makes it all the more creepy.

This Monster lulls me into thinking all is fine but, has me in the bathroom every three or so hours.

I have had to stop yoga, as I tried to practice this week and got so dizzy and nauseous that I had to stop multiple times.

The Monster makes me think am covered and then leaks out of the body and into my clothes at work.

The Monster makes me think I can do normal tasks, but then when I attempt to begin, I am unplugged and need to sleep.

I am taking iron to try and build amour to protect myself...

drinking green juices to get even more iron

but every few hours I am drained of my efforts.

I do hope this doctor can be an ally

help me save my uterus from The Monster...

until then I take my BC pills and iron supplements and hope that my shield is strong enough to protect me from collapsing.

Riding the waves

Handmade doll for 3yr olds birthday

So remember that baby shower I wasn't invited to and then the second baby shower I found out about on social media that I also was not invited to, because I wasn't going to show up anyways....

well, I got a half-assed invite to that same persons sons third birthday.

" hey lady, we are having a party this Friday for kiddos 3rd bday, 530pm. Hot dogs and pinata...not sure screaming kids at the end of the week are your thing but we wanted to invite you and The Barren"

I accepted immediately

I think there was some spite in my acceptance, but....whatever

I found this book at the local thrift shop and made the doll the day of the party; in between work and yoga class....the silkscreen paint was pretty darn dry by the time I wrapped it up.

Apparently the 3year olds suggestions for the soon to be little mini me is 

" poo poo head"

So I made him a baby of his own that he can torture or play with while mom 

is busy with the real one.***

The party was all hipster parents and cake and screaming kids 

and I chatted with a few people while banshees and harpies ran around us 

high on sugar and sleep deprivation.

I was proud of myself for playing it cool...

The Barren was not able to go because he was traveling and so I did it solo!

*note the ripped paper of the dressing gown
nervous twitch maybe

I also survived the yearly check up with the doctor.
I get white coat so they line the exam table with the thicker non stick paper sheets.
I get a hot flash as soon as the doctor appears and proceed to create small waterfalls of sweat all throughout the exam. I don't think I have ever gotten a manual breast exam from her where she didn't get a handful of sweat and deodorant.
She said aside from still needing to loose 3-5 pounds (my lord this woman uses the BMI index like an end all be all information system )
I am doing well and should keep it up
exercise as much as I can and keep up the vegan diet and stay happy
(hahahah)

I don't have to see her for another year (ideally)
Now I just have mammogram and breast ultrasounds to finish
easy peasy

I'm dead set on just riding this last month away...
In my minds eye I am sitting in the shade
by a big body of water
tide lapping nearby
and letting it all go

letting all that shit go

*** Mom to be just texted and asked if I had any name ideas!!

I went to the first name site I could find and picked one randomly

Sigh

Waiting

So I entered and was selected in the top 11 of a BIG art competition...

there were over 260 entries from over 48 countries and my work made the top 11!

From this amazing small group, there will be 3 awards (two of which are cash)

and this award is being announced in the next hour!

I am not at this award ceremony as I live 1000's of miles away and it was not something I could swing both in time and money.

So I sit and wait for an email or a social media announcement....

wait and wait

and wait

and distract myself

I was so anxious yesterday after seeing the first images from the exhibition that I bought a vintage dress....I have a problem with that...I get SUPER anxious and in an effort to self sooth I put something on my credit card that I think will make me feel better.

Sometimes it is going to the plant nursery and getting too many plants for our small home. Sometimes it is vintage dresses...that I adore and wear.

*** talk about kiddos***

Last week we hosted our nephew...he is 10

and between you and me I am closest with him, over the other two nephews and two nieces.

He is a middle kid and so The Barren and I have made an effort to make sure he get one on one time.

Away from the chaos of his sisters and family.

This last time we played music and sang along to Queen and RUSH songs.

He wanted to learn how to play D&D because his uncle played the game and he wanted to play with him....I think this made The Barren melt and feel so very loved by his nephew.

He refereed to me as the "snuggle Auntie"

A Dream come true! and quite frankly, a personal goal.

We watched super hero movies, played at the pool, and the top of the mini vacation sundae was him diving deep into a Calvin and Hobbs comic book I got for him a few years ago 

that is now a perfect fit!

I think this waiting game is old school

I think we are so well trained in the art of waiting...

wait for your period

wait for results

wait for the egg

wait for doctor to show up

wait on your vacation

wait to see

This is all good mind you...I am happy about this wait

I submitted my best version of my work

I am in the top 11

I am exhibiting internationally

I am excited

and scared

and ready for an answer 💓

Transitions

*** talking about pregnancy ***

A dear woman whom I have known for years just announced that she was pregnant. She waited until she was 5 months along before making a photo thing on social media.

This dear woman has been through the gamut of things to get here and it is really no small feat.

I first was introduced to her through another woman who asked me if my stomach was swollen from my cysts or fibroids...

The new mom to be had a large fibroid eventually removed and then for years later battled earth shattering pain with every period and post every surgery.

She got a really fantastic job, got engaged and bought a home...all while trying time and time again, almost every treatment under the sun to get pregnant....

today was the announcement that she is indeed carrying a child.

I read the news this morning and was happy for her.

Like she made the swim across the crocodile infested waters and crawled up the shore on the other side bruised and battered but successful! 

If the mantra for motherhood is that you need to have

" Sacrificed yourself, via pain and determination and drive. 

this woman  has checked all those " she deserves" to be a mother boxes.

I know this was all she wanted and will be amazing at tackling all the new unknowns coming her way with grace and humor.

While eating breakfast with The Barren this morning I told him, that it is becoming a testament to who can afford the trials gets the kid. The industry has boomed since we were trying and although we opted to not invite the "making " of a child, it appears that that is what is needed in all these newest cases; or that is what we are given the impression.

When the doctor finally confirmed my endo, she said that we would need A LOT of help to get pregnant if we still were considering that route.

We had come to terms with where our line was long ago, 

but I am not going to lie and say that that quiet little voice did not whisper into my ear this morning

  " maybe if you had...., if you would have...."

I am glad I made extra baby gifts when preparing last weeks shower delivery.

I don't need to spend the day making more things...they are made and simply need to be packed up and mailed off.

I also said to The Barren this morning:

" I am no longer there any more, I am not sure I could fair the battle again. I mean how many times do you have to be kicked before you decide you don't like being kicked?!"

The Barren responded "once"
I simply smiled and said , well if you are lucky you realize that... it took me a bit longer.

Pride in the journey

So The Barren is growing in his grief...he is learning to identify his triggers.

That is HUGE

He was at work learning some new stuff for his current role and a new parent was talking about how thankful they were to have some time off work and it was supported by the employer.

I got a text message saying:

" HR was talking about paid family leave and out of nowhere I find myself about to break down...doing OK now, but it was touch and go for a moment"

After work he met with him mom and they were chatting and she started to ask about all our friends with kids and how we must hang out with them and play with their kids...

He spoke up and said, you know we often need to protect ourselves from our triggers and make sure we are alright with going to an event or party. We often skip them so that we can relax and enjoy our afternoon too. He told her about the event earlier in the day.

She was flustered, and out of no where asked if we were thinking about adoption.

to which The Barren said NO

He thinks she was not sure how to deal with suddenly witnessing his grief 

...I think she just needed to get a question off her chest.

Regardless, I am beyond proud of him and his new ability to speak up about things that trigger his sorrow and memories. He is making progress and that is to be applauded.

Self Awareness

stop the hate, both in yourself and for others

it has been too long....

I have been distracted, by everything...struggling to focus on anything.

I have spread myself thin and opaque.

I started to feel overwhelmed by life...

like I was responsible for everyone, and everything.

I was trying to change the world single-handedly.

I felt the responsibility of everyone's white privilege, I needed to take responsibility for every act of racism and sexism and xenophobia I saw, heard or read.

It became too much!

I was becoming paralyzed.

I have started to triage my life again...it is going much slower than I thought it would...

but I think I have landed on the right path, at least for now it feels like it.

I am still quite politically active, far more than I have ever been in my life!

I find writing a postcard and sending it off is QUITE cathartic.

cheap therapy...I recommend it to anyone; write about anything and send it to anyone!

I had forgotten to take my Vitamin D and felt the effects of the deep sadness...

I have remedied that now as well.

I have been kinder to myself when 4am comes around, and I simply don't feel like driving 40+ miles into town early for practice.

 I know I need to go at least three times a week but sometimes that doesn't happen and that is OK. 

I have felt the changes of aging without children.

My best friend (we live far to many miles from each other) was in town for 36hrs for an art installation and asked me to help. Which I gladly did. She needed to race home to be with her kiddo for his 12th birthday....when I asked he about the day he was born, she started to cry and looked me in the eyes and said that she now knows so many people who can't have children besides me and she feels so thankful that after her miscarriage she was able to get pregnant again and that she is so sorry.

I hugged her and told her it was not a burden she needed to bear, she was allowed to complain and be frustrated and thankful all at the same time!

I felt her pain so deeply.

I have been feeling EVERYTHING so so so deeply.

It is another aspect of my overwhelming of life.

My niece turns 13 today, I unconsciously calculate where I was in trying to create our family.

Each of these children in our lives are markers of how far down the path we have walked.

How far away from our hopes of a child we have wandered.

The birth announcements are father apart now, and the birthdays are larger numbers.

I know the second round, generation is on the horizon...I wonder if I will still calculate where I was on the day they were born...how long that marker of memory will last and when it might be replaced with a memory of them...simply them and me.

Anniversary-many years later

It is the anniversary of my 1st of three miscarriages on tomorrow

and then 

It is our wedding anniversary on Tuesday

We will be celebrating 24years together and 14years married. 

In the meantime I am quiet...I feel kind of sideswiped/wounded.
I woke up feeling okay,
started about my day, but something feels off.

Muscle memory maybe?

My heart has been beating along as normal.
but there is a heaviness.

As of late, I have been referring to our never to be child as our star child.
Made of love and stardust.
It is in an effort to include them as a element into our living lives,
but understand that they are not physically here,
but still able to be seen and felt deeply.
The Barren seems to be okay with this new development.
I think this is me hoping it is another step towards feeling alright.

I am set to work a photo-shoot tomorrow, doing a family shoot for a friend with a toddler.
The one who named her child the name we had secretly picked for our own child.

I assume after the job is done, I will need a nap or a drink or both wrapped in a cuddle.

Even after all these years, I still feel it so deeply.
but....
One thing I do differently, is that I give myself space now to feel it.
Feel all of it, deep and dark and big and bright.

That is the reminder of stardust.

Unleashing

I saw this today and thought

"My gawd I love this woman"

I am working on unleashing this woman;

she lives inside me and I seem to always want to keep her contained...

it is time for her to run free

It is all fun and games...

It is all fun and games until your doctor says:

 "perimenopausal" 

multiple times in a visit.

Time is marching on and I am apparently aging, regardless of my 

inability to believe it.

Tired at mid-day= besides waking up at 4am daily...

you are gonna find that it takes longer to recover.

Periods acting weird, even on a BCP= you are 46, we are seeing signs of perimenopause

night sweats= perimenopause

pissed off at what I am saying= perimenopausal

That spot I need to burn off your face= stupid things you did as a teenager, now you will pay for it!

They say aging is a gift, I understand that 

I believe that

I am thankful for still being able to walk this earth...

Aging, the process is a mystery and many facets are mysterious

I need to corner people and ask questions...

I need information!

Apparently, even though I feel like an awkward 17year old on the inside

I am still a 46 year old on the outside

sigh

The dreams continue....

I am still being submerged in dreams of my child that never came to be...

I saw this and it made me weep and be thankful that I am able to watch this
and keep my chin high
and my heart open
to still thinking about a child that I never got to hold...
and still thinking about what I desired for them

I have grown stronger 

I have to remind myself

physical memories

So the new year has started and now we are almost done with this first month!

I am finding that I am experiencing a little struggle, mostly kicking myself into the right lane...

I made a list one morning while eating, trying to make it like an "automatic writing" experiment.

I only post it here so that I am reminded that these are the first things that came to mind and they are good ideas to strive for always...not just for this year.

 this is what I came up with:

be more present

be more honest & true

use kinder words in self talk

go to yoga as often as I can afford

make/experiment

stop comparing myself to others in stressful situations

read more books

embrace your laughter

paint your nails

learn to braid-for real

keep letting go

stop apologizing for nothing

make new friends/situations

do less home chores-you get lost in them

draw more

write more

be less afraid

I have found that "keep letting go" is the one theme I have revisited the most so far;

and I am finding that it is mostly in regards to physical things.

I cleared out my closet, and loving placed many items that I had emotional connections with into a box to give away.

I cleaned out under my bathroom sink and threw out the last pregnancy test I had squirreled away. 

I said out loud, I will never use you and get the answer I want.

Those seemed easy.

Today, while trying to clear out some studio clutter I came across these old pocket calendars.

I took copious notes in each, recording my daily appointments, birthdays, anniversaries and happenings, tracking my periods and noting my miscarriages.

I think I kept them as I didn't want to trow out these markers, like I was saving them for someone.

Today I chose to toss them into the recycling bin.

I carry these memories in my heart. I don't need to fear that I will loose them by throwing out the reminders of the dates. I can still carry those with me, regardless of where the original note is.

As for the Mudman of New Guinea, is a picture I cut from a travel magazine, 

they were on a bucket list many moons ago.

That too has faded into the past.

both are bittersweet, but not forgotten.

I have to remind myself of that.

Time passes

As time passes I am finding myself identifying less and less as an infertile woman 

and simply a woman without children. 

Maybe those words place less blame, or guilt. 

Maybe that is simply growing.

I have even considered unsubscribing from some websites and blogs that are in the middle of their discovery. Not because I do not want to offer support but simply because it is energy I have spent and can not afford to spend any longer.

I guess this time passing, has distanced me from the central heart of the pain.

The pain is no longer raw

The pain only appears in small short moments.

I am no longer consumed by the monster

The Barreness seems to have stopped poking me

at least that is how it feels right now.

I had a successful exhibition, in fact I sold one of my pieces before the show opened 

and the other on opening night!

I felt like I was floating on a lily-pad, afraid to move to quickly 

and fall into the cold murky pond.

But it was real, I really did it.

A fellow art friend told me I was no longer allowed to feel surprised by my art sales.

I had sold work every year from that show and it was time to get over it.

I smiled

 and then told The Barren, over sake shots after the event, that I liked 

life surprises, and that not feeling a bit of shock and disbelief seemed unnatural for me.

I deserve this success, and I deserve to feel proud

but I also can enjoy the surprise and glee associated with a sale.

We have been running non stop for most of this month already,

social commitments and events.

Now we are done, and just have the holidays to figure out.

We went to our last social commitment last night and it was hosted by a painter friend who has a big show opening in New York on Tuesday. She filled her home with friends and family for an annual get together. Since last years event, she has had a baby and so have many of her friends. In fact at one point, the house was filled with little kids and toddlers screaming, running and slamming doors while two very patient boston terriers watched and avoided them. I sat on the couch with three friends across from The Barren who was chatting with the spouses of the the friends and found myself unconcerned about the chaos.

In fact, totally unfazed.

I didn't need to find my kid, or ask the kids to stop....

not my monkeys, not my circus

As we were gathering up to leave I looked down to put on my coat 

and saw a little green chair, with a pair of little shoes in it.

it was sublime and sweet and 

The Barren and I both just exhaled and moved on to saying our goodbyes

It is moments like that, that I realize that time has passed.

The moments of a magical childhood for our never to be child have begun to age.

We are learning to live life again, be who are suppose to be after all that we have been 

and all that we can still be.

Working on the railroad

I have been working on me

Trying to figure out what makes me tick: what makes me mad

and what makes me happy?!

you know, nothing deep or anything.

I have found myself looking through old photographs and re-remembering what I was thinking,
how I was feeling in a way trying to gauge if I have grown at all?

I am looking at little parts of my life.
Mental health, how I deal with situations, or not deal with situations.
Am I sleeping better or worse
Am I thinking better or worse.
What I have figured out so far
is that I've gone to over 330 classes 

this is the most devoted/dedicated/addicted I have been about any extra curricular activity in my WHOLE life. On the flip side,

I am learning to be OK with taking a day off here and there:

sometimes that 4am alarm is just too much

 I find that when I go back after a day or two off, I have a renewed sense of desire, drive or insight into why I go. I say good morning to several people now and when class is over I am thankful that I have spent the energy in class and for myself.

I am happy to announce that two publication have contacted me and will be publishing a piece of art in each of their publications. I wish it meant that I got a check to at least reimburse me for the monies put out, but the hard reality is that it doesn't. I will get a "by" line and a little snippet about who I am published in the books/zines and then it will be out in the universe for all the internet eternity.

My big hope is that it will vibrate back in a bigger better way for us.

I am pinning some hopes on that.

Onto baby things:

My friend with the new baby texted to say that she hadn't seen me in a while and asked if I wanted to come over. The Barren and I stopped by for a quick moment on the way to get some grub. I brought over some cat costumes as options for her kid to wear this Halloween. When we walked in she gave me a hug asked how I was and then said "do you want to hold him?" I looked at the perfectly content baby who was looking at himself in the mirror next to his crib and said " he looks so engaged, and so content. Not right now" I think the fact that I have yet to hold her baby is freaking her out. Some parts of me want to be the peacemaker and just hold him to get it over with, while a majority of me doesn't feel compelled to pick him up, so why force myself.

I think this will be a struggle for a little bit longer.

for both of us

Meanwhile, another woman from class asked if I wanted to go to tea after class to learn a little more about each other.
She had come into class last week and crouched down beside me before the session started and declared that women with children are crazy, and aren't we glad we didn't have any!

I listened to what she was saying and then told her that 

I was actually childless by circumstance not by choice. 

We had actually tried to create a family for 8years, 

but now I am working on my "do-over" portion of life.

She was quiet and unsure what to do, so we just did yoga after that.

At tea the following week, it was a strange conversation about how she was financially secure and successful, able to live where ever she wants because she made sacrifices and tough choices when she was younger. She is not sentimental about things and will be traveling for the next couple of months until just before Christmas and then she'll be around for another few months.

I should join her for coffee again.

It was strange, but I am glad I went for some reason.

I guess I am growing and changing.

I am often afraid for stagnation, but after thinking this all out here

it looks like a am really growing

but not growing up thank goodness:

yes, cosmic kitty yoga pants
I am that girl
I am that mature

Meditation for myself

This was read to us this morning as class was beginning.

I found it to be a great reminder, for our own lives and transformations

I am the decisive element

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.

It is my personal approach that creates the climate.

 It is my daily mood that makes the weather.

I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.

I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration,

 I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations,

 it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated,

and a person is humanized or de-humanized.

If we treat people as they are, we make them worse.

 If we treat people as they ought to be,

we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

by Goethe