Twisted

I have been keeping up with my home yoga practice.

Many days it is like pulling myself through taffy, other days it is total joy.

This practice is healthy for me, as things are upside down in my country.

I am ashamed, angry, heartbroken and yet still hopeful.

I have begun a re-education of myself and some days it feels as though 

I am studying for a huge exam. 

I am learning to understand where and how my white privilege has benefited me.

I am understanding how many of my brothers and sisters have been denied opportunities and treated differently because of the color of their skin.

I am not talking about simple understanding; I am trying to understand the depth that white supremacy has taken a hold and been a part of culture here in the US.

The scary stuff, the hard stuff....the deep understanding of what I don't see and why.

Example one:

I am a hippy kid, a child that was raised in a multicultural neighborhood.

I had friends from all backgrounds and my mother made a point that we 

be "color blind".

I realize that was a mistake now, that by not seeing the beautiful color of my friends, 

I overlooked/ did not acknowledge, the beauty of their skin and missed out on their cultures.

I am looking into my fears and prejudices and trying to understand where they come from and if they are from trauma or outside influences.

It is hard work, but I know the hard work needs to be done to make big changes.

For myself, my relationships and our future.

I was exhausted and was watching Former President Obama speak in a town hall. When he came on the screen, I felt my whole body relax....like the safety of a familiar friend had arrived.

Then, I listened to Dr. Bernice A. King speak and say:

" don't be afraid to make mistakes"

I am feeling the responsibility of the world,

a frantic need to understand everything from everything all at once...

these words made me feel a little better.

In my readings I have discovered so many beautiful wonderful non-profits.

Amazing artists, beautiful poets and writers.

Activists and support systems.

It has been a supreme enlightening, like turning a page in a story and discovering so many new treasures just around the corner.

Even on my meager income, I am thrilled to become a donor to a number of groups.

We are attending a peaceful protest rally tomorrow.

I am looking forward to it.

Masks, glasses and social distancing in place.

We are starting with "parading" which is driving around the protesters with signs of support..
then if it appears safe for us to join the crowd*...we will.

*There are new cases and deaths from the virus every day in my town. Two weeks ago my city was one of the first in our state to open up patio dining, beaches and parks... and so floods of people from larger cities descended into our little beach town....ignoring many precautions.

I am working on so many things right now mentally.

I am trying to be an artist and create things,
but have found that the pressure for an artistic response about:
 the virus 

the Black Lives Movement

the isolation

the loneliness

has made creating impossible for me.
During meditation the other day I came to understand that...

I don't think I have processed it all or enough yet to create a response yet.

I am recalling Elizabeth Gilbert's Ted Talk about the "Elusive Creative Genius"
and taking heart in it.

So I am starting back at square one and beginning my walk again.

What is important to me

What brings me joy

what do I love to do?!

I am ready to twist myself into whatever shape I am suppose to be.

Overcoming self imposed fears-part one

I do not like public talking, especially when I am the central focus.

or when ALL eyes are on me.

I have taken public speaking classes to conquer this discomfort...

but after many years 

and the comforts of making myself more of a hermit....

public talks are foreign once again.

So when a local college professor called asking if I would speak to his folio class

I said sure.

No big deal...it was weeks away

I approached this in a SUPER casual way and I think it helped keep my nerves at bay.

I didn't overthink anything.

Today was the day.

The Barren helped put my work into a PowerPoint and showed me how to use it.

and I walked into a college class and spoke for 40 MINUTES 

in front of a room full of photography students

about my work and process and history.

Aside from those moments when you hear your own voice and go 

"where am I and what am I doing?!" 

I think it went as best as it could for being all over the place.

When the professor asked about artists, he always mentioned men.

When he referenced contemporary artists working in a particular style he mentioned men.

He referenced curators and jurors as masculine.

When I responded to his references my answers to him were always female.

The curator is this show is a women, that juror is a woman...

the owner of that gallery is a woman, the person making that style of art lives nearby and is a woman.

I was surprised by his lack of knowledge/reference of female artists and curators.

My corrections came natural to me, and ideally were picked up by the artists in class.

When I got home I told the Barren and he said:

"I am proud of you...you just did something that is not in your nature, 

and it is so important to have women representing in classes, 

for exactly the reason you saw"

Gosh he is a wordsmith to my heart....

Fearful moment #1:

public speaking-no big deal

The Debriefing

Having a miscarriage at 48 is very different than one at 36

My body reacted differently

My mind was in a different place

My heart was in a different place and settled in a new and different way.

I was numb for a long time

almost like my whole being went into a fight or flight reaction

from information long ago learned.

I postponed my yearly physical by a week, 

The Barren will be traveling during the original time 

and I didn't want to be alone when I got back home from another doctor visit.

I am done with doctors

but I understand I still need to advocate for myself,
so I still get all the required check-ins 

so I am not as rebellious as I imagine myself to be.

In the week, when the bleeding finally stopped, I went back to yoga with a gusto

and I found myself saying to myself....

" be kind to yourself, you just had a miscarriage"

I was trying to be kind, to excuse when I felt weak

I waited for the bleeding to stop to tell my parents, 

I felt a heavy weight to share it with my mother in particular.

When I did tell her, I heard myself explaining in great detail that there might not have been an embryo in this miscarriage, reassuring her I was alright and that I was responsible and had many doctors tell me that I was in no danger.

She said she was sorry that I had to experience this again...

I told her I get to experience and process loss

that is what I get to do in this lifetime.

She shared with my father what happened and he when he heard my voice on the phone,
he said:

" I am so sorry, I don't know what else to say about it"

I told him that was perfect and thank you

then he told me I was a strong woman, 

this made me almost totally collapse into a puddle.

I haven't seen them since sharing the news, that is unusual.

I called and checked in a couple of time afterwards, to make sure all were alright

I think this has highlighted a couple things for me:

I am older

I can handle loss, repeatedly 

I am stronger now because of what I have experienced in the past

I can 

I am also able to let myself grieve 

I feel in many ways it might have been a sign from my body that I have crossed the last line of fertility. Even when I thought it was past, this was the final proof of that.

I had a dream before this all began, and I had seen myself dead in photographs

Like and out of body experience of seeing myself in a dream

when I looked up the meaning on several dream dictionary sites, they all said the same thing:

"In your dream you see yourself dead, at first you may think this is about you being dead. However it’s not, this dream is about you moving forward into being a new person.

You are growing and maturing as a human being and you’re ready to move to the next phase of your life and you’re ready to leave the old you behind.

This type dream is important because it shows that you are growing and developing your spiritual side and gives you the message that you’re headed in the right direction."

I am taking some comfort in this knowledge from the greater sources

Day 24-The End

91% containment

Nothing will make you feel like more of an adult than dealing with an insurance adjuster. 

The saga has ended now...no more fire helicopters or sirens.

This transition has left me feeling like

I tripped and landed hard into this new reality, suddenly it is all over.

It felt similar when we realized that parenthood was not in our future or lives.

It was a bumpy transition and left me grumpy and relieved and confused.

We have a home, for that I am deeply grateful...and confused still as to how or why our home was spared...but it is time to remove the plastic from all the doors and windows.

The air purifiers are still running, I think now as a security blanket for us.

I finally put the items away that we had taken after coming back on the day after evacuation.

The forgotten precious things:

My wedding ring, a family painting from the 1800's...a photo of our wedding.

This whole process has been scary, humbling and enlightening.  

the hillside across the street as we were evacuating, left and right side obscured by trees
(taken while driving away from our home)

across the street-two days ago

Not only have we been dealing with constant fire and evacuation dreams (I figure this is happening because I was woken from slumber when we got the call to leave immediately)

but The Barren has gotten chest illnesses.

The Barren has been to the walk-in clinic two weekends in a row after since the fire started.

The first visit confirmed walking pneumonia and the second confirmed a secondary bronchial irritation from the smoke and particulates.

We had both been coughing and got stuffy noses after we left...and have been wearing particle masks by day three, but that was not enough to protect us from the constant rain of ash, dust and smoke...

so much smoke.

Now we are to adjust to this new reality.

700 homes lost in our town

so many people have been touched by this fire.

Everyone has a story of the night they had to leave.

I am most touched by the stories that keep coming to light, the good in this town...

the stuff that makes you cry from being so deeply touched in the heart:

* A call went out from a family who lost their home, that they wanted to bring their dog home from the animal evacuation shelter but the fence in the home they were staying in was a little wonky and they didn't have a hammer to fix it. There was someone at their door within ten minutes.

* The fact that donations and volunteers were asked to be halted as there was too much! They had all they could use and then some.

* The firefighters asking to stop giving them food and donations, they had too much

* The local man who didn't know what to do, so he made sifters for people who lost their homes...to help them find precious items that survived

My favorite quote from a local evacuation site for livestock: 

" Don't let that emu out, he is a real asshole and super hard to catch "

Everyone has been gentle with everyone...I see more hugging and listening.

I am finally able to get back to my practice too.

I found that not only had the stress taken a toll on me mentally, but physically.

I was not able to practice as the air quality was horrible for breathing 

and unsafe for teachers to get to the studio.

I was also unable to travel to the town to practice because of the fire activity.

I missed my quiet community of toe touchers.

Home practice is not the same, at least for me...

So here I am trying to adjust, working on readjusting...feeling quiet still

and watching The Barren like a hawk.

I think I will peel a window open today....I am feeling hopeful.

Putting feet where my heart is

I have become an voice in the fight

I am making choices everyday to speak up, regardless of my fears.

I am actively choosing to attend marches and sign petitions and make calls.

I was quite overwhelmed for a couple weeks, 

slipping into the door of depression for a time and again.

I felt the weight of my white privilege and 

the responsibly to make sure others acknowledged theirs.

I felt angry and heartbroken at family that said they loved me and the world around them,

 but then stood in support of Lord Marmalade and his racist, sexist and xenophobic choices.

I have made the choice to be a voice, 

I am fighting the BIG fight, looking at the BIG picture.

I am thinking about the generations after me, 

I am trying to secure the rights and safety.

I am learning and growing.

I find being infertile in this struggle has given me a unique voice

in this conversation. 

For that I am thankful.

I have to remind myself

physical memories

So the new year has started and now we are almost done with this first month!

I am finding that I am experiencing a little struggle, mostly kicking myself into the right lane...

I made a list one morning while eating, trying to make it like an "automatic writing" experiment.

I only post it here so that I am reminded that these are the first things that came to mind and they are good ideas to strive for always...not just for this year.

 this is what I came up with:

be more present

be more honest & true

use kinder words in self talk

go to yoga as often as I can afford

make/experiment

stop comparing myself to others in stressful situations

read more books

embrace your laughter

paint your nails

learn to braid-for real

keep letting go

stop apologizing for nothing

make new friends/situations

do less home chores-you get lost in them

draw more

write more

be less afraid

I have found that "keep letting go" is the one theme I have revisited the most so far;

and I am finding that it is mostly in regards to physical things.

I cleared out my closet, and loving placed many items that I had emotional connections with into a box to give away.

I cleaned out under my bathroom sink and threw out the last pregnancy test I had squirreled away. 

I said out loud, I will never use you and get the answer I want.

Those seemed easy.

Today, while trying to clear out some studio clutter I came across these old pocket calendars.

I took copious notes in each, recording my daily appointments, birthdays, anniversaries and happenings, tracking my periods and noting my miscarriages.

I think I kept them as I didn't want to trow out these markers, like I was saving them for someone.

Today I chose to toss them into the recycling bin.

I carry these memories in my heart. I don't need to fear that I will loose them by throwing out the reminders of the dates. I can still carry those with me, regardless of where the original note is.

As for the Mudman of New Guinea, is a picture I cut from a travel magazine, 

they were on a bucket list many moons ago.

That too has faded into the past.

both are bittersweet, but not forgotten.

I have to remind myself of that.

Remembering Death and Life Lived

I had been wanting to go to an event in a nearby major city for several years now, but never had the right timing or drive. So when a buddy called and said she'd drive and wanted to go right after they opened I cleared my schedule and said I'll buy your ticket!

It turned out to be just what I needed and 

aside from a set of scabs from my new sandals it was a great day!

The Dia de Los Muertos festival takes over whole sections of the cemetery 

it is a mix of altars and memorial structures and vendors selling all things related to the holiday.

There are face painters and food vendors too.

Live music, native dancers and people

AMAZING people watching!!

I celebrate this holiday, as it is the anniversary of The Barren and I getting married.

We purposely chose this day, as it is when the veil is the thinnest between the two worlds 

( the living and the dead)

so we knew that anyone of our loved ones could attend the wedding if they choose to.

It is also around the same time as the first of our miscarriages.

So I feel like our babies can feel our love the most around now.

It is a good cathartic way to celebrate, remember and mourn loved ones.

It is all in the spirit of love

and who could not love that !

I took my camera and the below are some of the fun results

Girlfriends all dressed for the day
(everyone was willing to have their photo taken, no one said no)

Jaguar dancer looking at some of the altars

crazy face painting!

Some famous cool dudes are buried here

LOVED her headpiece,
it sparkled and was amazing dancing with the light

Cat memorial in the wall of marigolds
this broke my heart and had me close to tears
I was glad The Barren was home with our lovelies

A Frida Kahlo sculpture complete
with a reproduction of her chest cast and lost baby.
I wanted to take this home.

Your favorite leaf eater
with one of the many paper mache sculptures
it was 90* (32c) , hence the sleeveless top

I took away a lot of ideas for our personal altar this year.

I was able to be quiet most of the day and just look, which was a gift beyond words.

I have a couple friends that understand quiet doesn't mean that I don't want to talk to you, but instead I am talking so much to myself I can't bear to say words aloud.

Meditation for myself

This was read to us this morning as class was beginning.

I found it to be a great reminder, for our own lives and transformations

I am the decisive element

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.

It is my personal approach that creates the climate.

 It is my daily mood that makes the weather.

I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.

I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration,

 I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations,

 it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated,

and a person is humanized or de-humanized.

If we treat people as they are, we make them worse.

 If we treat people as they ought to be,

we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

by Goethe 

Eve'of

This is the eve of my 45th birthday.

What an amazing gift this is!

I have made it this far,

although it has not always been smooth sailing

I have made great efforts to see past pain, 

figure out how to better myself, 

how to give more, 

how to be more compassionate and empathetic.

I am thankful that:

My body has carried me across paths I hadn't planned to take, 

my lungs have provided enough air to cry and laugh.

My eyes have given me vision to distance myself or move closer.

My voice has always been there to speak up. 

I look forward to seeing new amazing sites

Feeling deep, lovely new feelings

Smiling a lot easier

and sleeping more peacefully.

I am here, and on the edge of great new possibilities for myself

Grow a pair

Source

In the mornings that I practice, I usually arrive early so that I can clear my mind and warm up with the room to a toasty 100* of so.

I usually lie on my back, and crack it by swinging my legs to the right and left, keeping my shoulders on the floor...it feels really good first thing in the morning.

Once cracked and adjusted back into line I lay with my hands on my ovaries.

Almost like I am protecting them, or shielding them from outside elements.

At first it was a motion I did without thought, involuntarily.

One morning, while settling in, I realized what I was doing and wondered why?

Was it from the years of poking them?

The years of requiring them to preform for us?

The years of extreme pain they caused me, like I was trying to get them to

 "relax and settle down there cowgirls!"

I don't have an answer for it.

 But... while browsing the vast information highway of the internets 

I stumbled on these fine ladies

I felt inspired and proud to see these modern revolutionary feminists!

After reading their mission statement and vision I was smiling.

Womyn making change in the world

**applause**

I will now rethink the power of my ovaries, 

they are mighty

that are big 

and I don't need no fucking balls!

What the funking groovin ?!

I am not sure what is happening, but something clearly is....

I went on a run with The Barren this morning.

I am not a runner, I do not like running and I never have. 

In fact, my mother use to write notes under my direction everyday to the PE teacher blaming everything from cramps and growing pains to my favorite " I was not designed to run"

I use to walk the mile every time it was was required...always coming in last proudly.

When we lived in a hot climate, I told the teacher I would get heat stroke if I exerted myself any further than walking.

But this morning, as an act of encouragement I did the first day of a "couch to 5k" routine 

Mind you, I only signed up for a week, to jump start his new routine, because when I started my practice I had a friend with me too.

In the wake of this adventure this morning, I am feeling quite..... well, proud.

The program has you gently moving from 60 seconds of running and 

90 seconds of walking to a 5k run after about 9 weeks.

The Barren wanted to try this out and I want to support him...so I guess I will be running when I am not doing yoga.

It is a win win.

Our adventure this last weekend was filled with adventure

We ventured into the BIG CITY once again as The Barren heard that these

women were going to be in attendance at a big BOOK FAIR!!

I have been a HUGE fan and disciple since I was in high school.

In fact I have this xeroxed poster on my wall still, complete with pin holes from years of wall displays.

I got m fangirl photo and was on cloud nine for quite a while!

The fair was a bibliophiles wet dream, 250 displays from independent presses, big printers and everything in between!

We both bought a bunch of stuff....and scored some great things!

There was, much to both our surprise, a lot of pornography.

Like everywhere and in all sorts of different forms. 

We had a lively discussion about how would we navigate a small person through this show? It lead to me asking several of our friends this same question...

How would you deal with a 60foot wall of film stills from a porn movies? or If you saw a poster of an erect penis with condom on it how would you react with little person? Or Hey there was a picture book on display from a gay publisher on leather bondage and play...would you allow the little to see it? Or how would you navigate it?

Some of my favorites:

A tiny book on the many ways of the Potato!

Adorable sweet little book

You can get your own here

I stopped at a booth that had vintage mugshot cards from 1910 or so, and was drooling over them, but we both agreed that $150.00 each was a bit spendy. So I took a photo instead:

There were also vintage first edition art books and photo book publishers

Ephemera from the late 70's/80's punk rock scene...complete with jackets covered in band patches.

Kill your idols/Ginko press booth
note the wall of punk singers!

I also stopped into this bus, as I dream of having an art bus like this.

In it I made a purchase of this Poster:

Poster by Peter Nevins

All in all it was a visual overload day, amazing and fun and I met an oscar nominated person face to face by acting like a dork.

We also saw this person and this person at breakfast.

Lunch had more people watching and then our drive home was quiet.

We were spent. Nap anyone?!

 dinner was Indian take-out and we both fell into a coma like slumber.

Now, now we are adventure people, we are free movers and deep thinkers

I am inspired and have already thought about publishing

 my Infertility show in book form this year, as it will be it's fifth anniversary!

That is inspiring!!

That is hopeful

That is growth!

Fearless

Growling at the bears

My littlest niece is growling at the bears, 

fearless and unaware of anything except that she knows the sound that bears can make. 

I will be taking my ques from her as the year begins.

I had my blood taken again to see if the eating shifts and all have made an impact on my numbers.

Keeping me well away from medications and allowing me to be in control.

Sadly, no movement in the numbers.

only a handwritten note from my doctor:

" keep up the diet and exercise"

So I binged on three days that week....I ate food I would normally not.

I ate a piece of a butter ring on Christmas day.

I ate a some pizza after christmas:

 We made latkes and hosted a party for our nieces and nephews, 

so I has a few of those and had to have sour cream on them:

I was also introduced to Kahlua and cream/White russian

When the three days were up, I felt like lead...heavy and tired and oily.

I was only able to practice once the week of xmas and that made me feel bloated too.

As I walked to class yesterday, I wondered how my relationship with food had changed.

How it had changed with my own vision or reflection of my body...

In reflection, all the foods I binged on gave me only a moment of pleasure, and that mostly came from the feeling that I was "getting away" with something....like I was sneaking a treat in, but it never felt like a treat....it felt more like defeat.

I decided that I had crossed a bridge of sorts, the guilt from eating these foods had me frantically researching how to "detox", how to loose weight, 

how to do better, be better be perfect do perfect....

I caught myself spiraling and then I stopped.

Did I have a disorder with food? Did I see food as a reward, 

and a way to get back at myself or others? 

I got scared and living in the state I do, vanity and body image are distorted all around me...

it is a daily fight to make decisions that embrace who I am, and what I look like.

No plastic surgery, no tanning, no botox and no starving please.

Finally after seeing where all these destructive roads could lead I said out loud:

 I will eat the cleanest I can, I will keep up with my practice: because it makes me feel good. 

end of story. 

Selfish? Yes

Self preservation? Yes

I am no skinny Minnie, but I am stronger than I have ever been.

and

As much as I would like to make a voodoo doll of my doctor, I understand now, that her prompting brought me enough fear of death that I returned to a way of living that makes me feel better.

Food is not a comfort, not anymore.

I need to find comfort in my own strength, weaknesses, loves and fears.

I need to find what my littlest niece already knows about the world around her.

I will be stronger than I think I am,

 I will be happier than I think I can be

and my body will carry me for many more years.

I have shared this with no one, and now I share it here.
This is the start and the current of my body.

Red is the color of power

OK, so this is the shade I finally decided on.

I wore it the night of the opening and felt confident, and sure of myself.

I was comfortable in my own skin and was able to speak about my work easily and freely.

I recommend this experiment to anyone who is shaky in their shoes.

I got my lipstick for .99 cents at the local drug store...low investment, high yield.

Beside my feet being beyond tired and sore the following day I was projected into a numb space.

I think I had put out soooo much the weeks prior, that after the spotlight turned off I went numb. I turned off the smile and drove home. We ordered Indian take-out and I sat on the couch and watched The secret life of Walter Mitty....it made me cry remembering how much I loved film photography.

This coupled with the amazing documentary I saw about Dorothea Lange not long ago; 

I was reminded of my roots and original goals for my life.

I am having what The Barren refers to as an existential crisis; I am feeling at a life crossroads.

Being an artist with a second job has me constantly juggling my mind from off ,to on, to off , to pause.

I met with a couple fellow artists yesterday, we are collaborating as a group to try and secure a location to manifest our personal visions and goals for our careers.

It has hit quite a road-bump, but when meeting yesterday, we asked of each other what is the "big dream"

What is the image we can hold on to?!

I went quiet in my mind.

I had lost sight of my long term goal...hence my existential crisis.

I have been working on making but forgetting what for...I got short sighted.

My response was to say that I would like to only have one job...

(the reality is still quite hard to swallow, but I want to put it out there)

A little voice in my head said, you don't deserve this....that is why you can't see it.

After our meeting, I drove home in silence, and then my brain got so loud and overwhelmed with thoughts that I collapsed and took a nap for 20 minutes.

On waking up I was shaking, I needed to find my goal again, 

I needed to remember what I was working for or towards.

I needed to know why I was hearing a voice tell me that I didn't deserve success?!

What allowed that voice to enter me, sabotage me and make me question all that I am?

I was at a loss and wasn't sure when that naysayer became part of my internal conversation.

Like many things in my life, when I get scared I say what is scaring me out loud. 

I learned this when I was preparing for surgery. 

Buddhists laugh in face of fear, as it reduces the power of the fear.

I call it out. I say it out loud....

If I say it enough it becomes mine again.

I deserve success, 

I make art that is loved by people other than my family and friends.

I am good enough for this

I am declaring it like I did with the lipstick.

Fear ME little voice, I will silence you!

Inspiration Wednesday

I follow this photographer on social media, and really find daily inspiration from the people he meets.
This one in particular sits deeply in me and made me cry the first time I read it:

Humans of New York

June 28

"What's your favorite thing about your mother?"

"She loves life more than anyone I've ever known. I hope she doesn't mind me telling you this, but recently she's had some health problems. And her health got so bad at one point, she called me and said: 

'I was starting to wonder if there was any reason to go on. But then I had the most delicious pear!'"

Working on it...

So I only made it to Yoga twice this last week,

and as expected I am feeling a little lost.
The Barren new job changes also are going to have me spending a lot more
"me time" while he works late and travels again.
 

 So no time like the present to start on my goals for the year...

I took a journey into the BIG city all by my lonesome.

Try as I might I could not find another soul that wanted to journey into the big city with me to see the art fair that was filling two halls in a convention center.

I put on my brave face and drove myself and treated it like a research and development expedition.

I chose comfort over style to dress myself in and my back was glad for it.

Yeah good ol' pair of running shoes!

(i once jogged, but that was a decade ago, but the shoes are still AWESOME)

I spent over three hours wandering up and down the aisles and picking up magazines and cards.

It was interesting to see what galleries were currently carrying and representing.

The first day was apparently crawling with artists, the following three days was movie stars.

The gallery that I have had work in since October, was there and the curator told me she saw

Leo and the Fonz and Mr.mom

(you can figure out who I mean)

hand embroidered designs on deerskin, on a mounted deer!

left side: drawings inside matchbook covers, prints and then paintings
full spectrum of images!

Painting on porcelain and folded clay sculpture of a deer
both were from contemporary Chinese artists

I met this painter, the one of the left has baby birds hatching out of her shoulder
and the ghost cat is about to eat them. AMAZING painter, dark subjects loved it!

 

 There was also work that left me wondering:

gold saxophone made from river rocks

I am not sure, the women that were in charge of the booth
didn't want to be photographed with the work
(this made me giggle)

 

After hours of visual saturation; I left with a mixed sense of awe, inspiration and intimidation

The convention had everyone exit via a jewelry show and when I turned the corner I was arrested by the HUGE amount of SPARKLE!!

Diamonds everywhere!

BIG bright diamonds....

I was glamored but realized that none would be mine so I left....and went home.

none of this is costume jewelry!

I "rewarded" myself for my act of bravery with a stop at a vegan cafe,
and ordered mac and cheeze to take home and eat in my PJ's
It was goooooood, but I was also hungry : )

As I stare and read through the stack of information I collected, I realize that there are MANY
opportunities to submit work. The real work is getting representation, that is on this years goal list again. I would like to get representation this year.

The Barren and I went out to breakfast yesterday and were sat next to a toddler that was singing her own version of "you are my sunshine"...
The Barren looked at me and said he was sorry, I smiled with tears in my eyes and said
It is OK, she is happy: lets take in that level of joy and carry it with us!
It was tough, but I realized that I can make my own level of happiness everyday.
Just like the little mess maker that was sat behind us.

Breathe Deep

 

 

I really don't have much to say, at least it doesn't feel like it these days.

I am not mad or angry at much, I am not deeply saddened or depressed about much.

I am feeling quiet and content. Deeply so.

Like I am floating above chaos and breathing deeply the sweet air above.

 

I have completed my 5weeks of yoga, that the groupon* availed. I have changed my eating, in a way that makes me think more about what I am putting into my mouth and to be honest, it was easy. If anything, I am pretty bored of food now and tend to eat the same thing over and over out of lack of interest or motivation to do something else. I was eating a lot of food before that I wanted to simply fill me, I am pretty sure now, more emotionally than nutritionally.

*(groupon is a coupon program that you can get discounted services for a period of time, just long enough to either make you addicted or revolted and move on or move in)

 

I don't look like the other yoga students that fill my weekly classes,and that is OK. I am finding  that over time I am comparing myself less and less to others and just working on being comfortable in the skin I now possess.

I am slowly becoming friends with that reflection in front of me in the mirror. I understand

now that my desire for a flat tummy will never be, as my uterus is a permanent 10week size,

and I still eat goat cheese now and again.

That is one of the sweet things about this life of mine.

Learning and embracing that although I thought it was gonna be one way, it might actually be something else that is going to be sweet too.

 

None of the classes are spiritual in any way, I am finding for myself, it allows me in the post hyperventilation glow to find things that work well for me. 

 

At this point in my journey I am finding that I need to be in that yoga class at least 4 times a week.

I only go to the hot classes. I spend and hour sweating more then any other time in my whole life; for me, the sweating is another way of crying, and releasing all that sorrow, grief, weight and pushed down emotions. No one can tell if you are crying in those sweaty classes...no one cares.

It is so liberating and cathartic for me.

 I am doing less art right now, as all that energy is spent on my practice. I wake up at 4:30 in the am on some days to get to class before work. It feels good,

once I convince my eyes they really do want to be open.

 

I had a talk with myself asking, how much longer do I want to ask a question that I will never get an answer for or an answer I will like?

Do I still want to grieve, mourn and be debilitated by sadness?

What do I really want?

The answer for me was to simply be happy, just a casual unprocessed happy.

 

The Barren and I shared a meal last night (he has been traveling a lot for work) and he asked how I was, I told him that I stress about money when I need to think about it,

but other than that I am really content.

This are far from perfect and this life has been full of surprises, most of which were not good ones.

I feel now, that I am really working on a reincarnation, I picked a new path.

It is not easy, I still find myself watching adorable poppins play in fountains and squeal through parks and outdoor patios, but I find myself asking why not me a lot less.