Monday, March 22, 2010


I went in for my annual, I was kind of afraid, I was afraid of what might be found and what might get said.
I searched for a while when we had a choice of doctors, I wanted a real feeling of having a doctor that remembered me and cared about my health.
I think that time has past.
My blood pressure was elevated, to a point of concern.
(it reminded me of one doctor saying to me: "I am surprised you even go to a doctor anymore after all you have gone through")
My current doc did my pelvic exam and felt my lymph nodes, but was ready to leave after that.
It was then that I pulled out my list of questions and requested follow-up exams.
I need to schedule this and that and I would like...this is my yearly physical after all.
I was far more prepared then her.
She asked if I had any pregnancies and I told her about my miscarrages. She said they were not real pregnancies, that real ones have a postive pee test. I sank...I am a fake.
She told me at this point of the game, I could have a referral to a fertility specialist or have a hysterectomy.
I told her that those were not options for me.
We chose many years ago to not have assistance to get pregnant.
She followed up this with, "...then now would also be a good time to start the adoption process"
I told her that was not an option either.

I got my blood taken, peed in a cup and have slips for future ultrasounds and mammograms.

I have found the end of the road.
there is just barreness ahead of sign "thank you for visiting" or a pretty patch of wildflowers.
Just the end of the known road.

Sunday, March 07, 2010

Really, you're not pregnant

My period arrived, a week and a half late.
One moment I was icky feeling and the next the back pain started and I was bleeding.
That quick, no gradual arrival...just a slam dunk.

I was afraid to look every time I went to the bathroom, I was afraid that there would be more evidence of another loss...another momentary motherhood.

Instead, I simply had a, "really you are not pregnant" kind of period.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Waiting at an empty station

My period has yet to arrive.
I was due to get it last week, Wednesday night is when it normally arrives...but it didn't.
Nor, did it appear, Thursday or Friday.
By Friday night I peed on a "You're not pregnant stick".
Then Saturday and Sunday passed with still no sign or even spotting.

I peed on another stick Sunday night..."You're still not pregnant"

I have only missed my period one other time, I was high, high up in the mountains of Nepal, and had been hiking for 10+ hours a day. I missed my period then and that was over 10 years ago. It was memorable then as it is now.

Except now, I am dealing with the mind-fuck that is infertility and the wake of two miscarriages.
Should I still pee on sticks to look for a faint, almost non-existent line, or continue to check the pee sticks I have already thrown into the trash because "maybe now that some real time has passed, it was really a positive and I just couldn't see it."

When should I stop wondering about this month, and have a glass of wine or stop wondering if that aspirin I just took was a good idea. When will I understand that the train is late, and might not stop at this station this month after all.