Thursday, February 28, 2019

Learning Curve

I am gonna be honest, it has been really hard these last two weeks.

Loosing such a massive presence in our home has shifted the vibrations.
I am missing my studio "manager"
in fact it was really hard to simply be in the workroom without him the first week.

We have awoken to sounds in the middle of the night, 
heard purrs, and felt a heavy weight of absence daily.

The Barren has broken down at work multiple times
I normally try and hold it together around him, so that he can feel safe to fall apart.
I fall apart in the shower, or on the drive home...
I skipped a lot of classes in the last two weeks and ate and did nothing but chores.
Being in class seemed to trigger waterfalls of thoughts of him, and I fought weeping loud horrible sobs. I also found that a lot of my grief came with guilt. I am not sure why, but at least I identified that and can work on figuring out why that is entwined. 

The in home senior cat is not crying for the other cat as much,  yowling at the front door and the bottom of the door like a " I am here, find me by my voice".
He is working on being in a space, any space he chooses; alone.
He is making strides and I am learning what he needs to feel secure and loved as he grieves.

I have struggled, as I do not have any friends locally.
I am social in class, and when running errands but no one to get a dinner with.
My bestie is hundreds of miles away and I have been texting her a lot.
She is good about that.

The curator sent a card, which was really amazingly sweet.
I tried to have a sit and chat with a couple of artists I know who were passing through town to see a lecture. One of them had just lost her pup 4 months ago and so she spoke of that a lot.
I really just wanted to feel less, and just socialize...but she needed to decompress still.
So I returned home, feeling tired and spent the rest of the day napping with the cat.

Related image

Today I woke up and said, 
lets try this again...
tomorrow will be two weeks and you need to start back on your life hike.
So I went to class and feed myself breakfast and got into the workroom and answered emails and figured out a project that needs to be done this weekend.
I am feeling a little less dark....
the senior cat is even sleeping in the chair in the workroom, 
something he hasn't done in months.
I guess we are both trying to get back into gear.

I dread the call from the vet to pick up the ashes...but I think in a way, it will feel like he is close least his body. 
His spirit is clearly free and visiting us in our dreams and being seen from the corner of our sight.

Mostly I have just given myself space and time and been as kind as I could be with myself...
with cookies and avocado.

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Challenge and changes

Post about new loss of a companion 

So I finished the 30days of yoga in 31days, I had 35 to do it in.
in the final week, a horrible happened.

Our sweet fat kitty was diagnosed with aggressive large cell lymphoma in his intestines along with a sizable growth that was impeding into this colon.
This came out of no where and to say the least has taken us to the rawest place.
He was diagnosed on Tuesday, the day before his 13th birthday, confirmed cell size on Wednesday and Friday night we had the vet home to home and let him go.
In the two and a half days from diagnosis he had stopped eating and drinking and was no longer sleeping but just gazing. 
The disease moved fast and the vet said that the gazing was it entering the brain.

He was slathered in love, and body rubs and kisses and told over and over how much he was loved.
He was the first cat to have as a companion that spoke to you and moaned and groaned responses.
He loved sleeping and when not sleeping, he liked to nap.
There is a massive hole in us
The Barren declared that he lost his best friend.
I am struck over and over during the day.
The surviving kitty, is 3 years older and today has been calling for him....
It is heart breaking...yesterday he spent a large portion as high up on my chest as he could get
my heart below his flip flopping in my chest.

It is going to be a long road as we all learn to live with this new grief.
I am thankful I had 13years with him
and was able to laugh through tears as memories of his antics flood my mind.
Ideally we were able to free him from his body fast enough to avoid him suffering from an evil fast moving demon....