Saturday, May 28, 2011


I am working in the studio today and for some reason this just felt right...

ONO - No, No, No (Tom Novy Vocal Mix) by YokoOno

Her description of what inspired the song hit home:

NO, NO, NO was written and sung by a woman who was in such a pain that her heart was cracking while she kept her mind clear so she could survive for herself and for her son. Of course that was me - right after John passed away. When John was still alive, he kept whispering to Sean that he will always be there for Sean and protect him. So when John left, Sean kept saying "Promise is made to be broken." Making it light than what it was. He was in pain. Sean loved this song. Each time when I sung "I don't remember what you promeeesed" and elongated the end of it, he used to let his body go down at the same time to the floor. I remember how hard it was for me to go through that period, especially, knowing how Sean was managing to hide his tears. Yoko

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

All is quiet

I have been sort of quiet recently
It freaks out hubby because his first response is, something is wrong.
Thanks to the Barreness being part of our lives, we both jump to catastrophizing things first
and then back peddle from there.

I don't think anything is wrong, I am at a low hum.
I found myself sitting and watching the little girl across the street
play baseball in her princess dress...
layers of tulle and satin swishing as she ran back and forth
to get the ball she had just hit and return it to her mom who was throwing it to her.
Her father riding his long board skateboard around in circles and rooting her on.
I got lost in that for a while.
I saw myself and hubby, in those parents.
I thought of the afternoons that we would have spent, or the ideas we could have shared.
Then I got mad...mad at myself for falling for the Barreness's seductive ways.
She is a sly one, feeding me daydreams
spoon feeding me sweetness that she knows makes me sick.
So today I am trying to work; work on other things that don't hurt or kick deep down inside me:
Two cups of tea
watering the garden
going over images for new submissions
sending love notes to friends
petting the cats
kissing my hubby

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


I have never really dealt with the idea of PMS,
or maybe a better word is, acknowledged.

Before the whole IF nightmare began; I took great pride in the fact that no one really knew when I got my period.
I never talked about it, I was able to do anything I wanted whenever I wanted and it was a badge of honor for I often felt that women were dismissed because of it.
My hubby has an thing on his phone that keeps track of my cycle; he says that it is empowering to know where I am in my body. He wants me to feel the same about it.
Ugh, whatever....

Today though, today I have found myself working uphill to make anything happen.
I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to get dressed.
I got dressed, I fed myself, I went to the garden and turned a water heavy pile of compost.
I came home and found that I just wanted to sit on the couch
watch stupid TV shows and eat the worst food for me in the house.

I am trying to not beat myself up about not being in the studio.
Not being productive
not being useful today.

I am suppose to get my period next week....but that is a whole week away!
I think I have PMS
OMG what has happened to me?!

Friday, May 06, 2011

Fotunate Friday

OK so I missed my Thankful Thursday post...and turned it into this one instead.

As Sunday approaches I decided to take to the garden early yesterday. I got a funny email from a fellow gardener reminding me that my garden was overflowing with food and it I wasn't careful I would "miss the treasures from my garden".
Well I read that after I got past the, boy your garden needs to be tended undertones

I reminded myself that my garden played a key role in my recovery from depression and that it was well worth the early morning trip to tend it.

I am thankful....

As I was quietly pulling the peas and carrots and turnips from the vines and ground I could hear myself breath. I realized I was in active meditation. I was quiet, my mind was quiet and the world around me was calm. Scrub jays were picking at the cleared earth I was leaving behind and feasting on the insects and worms.
I was even.
I was tending to my mother and celebrating her.

My hubby bought tickets to a music thing three or four months ago and told me to mark my calendar for the dinner and music night. I did and realized it was the day before my fathers wasn't until about a week ago that we were told that it also fell on MOTHERS DAY
I kissed him and was so sosososososos thankful that we had plans, months before being aware of it, that would keep us from the flurry of the day.

My mother is a wonderful person who has come to understand that I mostly want to run for the hills on Mother's day...and that this day has dramatically shifted me in a way I will never recover from.
She and I spend time together on our whims and are not dictated by a marked day on a calendar.
My Mother-in-law, she simply wants to be acknowledged by hubby and we do that and she is happy.
I sometimes feel badly that I have taken Mother's day away from my mother, like, because of my perception of the day I am not able to celebrate her anymore.

My Aunt use to throw these elaborate parties on Mother's day, she would invite all the women in the family and all the mothers would get gifts and cooed over and told how wonderful they were. I participated in these events for years and years...then when The Barreness moved in I couldn't go.
I was chastised and scolded that I was being selfish.
So I went.
There was a moment at these parties,when all the mothers are given gifts...I remember sitting there with my smile and a sunny made up disposition and watched people on all sides of me being given gifts.
I sat with my plastered smile, paralysed.
Then I remember Hubby simply handing me a fruity something.
I spent the rest of the event holding back tears and wondering why I had folded to family pressure.

From that party on I rejected future invitations, and was scolded and "black listed" for years.
My Aunt even tried to change the name of the event to Women's Day...but still hold it on the same Sunday.
I never went back...It has been 5years and just now, I am not spoken of in hushed whispers.
This is what I think of as Mother's day...isolation, depression and shame.

My garden yesterday wiped that all away.
I think I actually saw The Barreness standing by the fence, pouting.