Tiggered

So I am on "summer vacation" which looks like

 a week of not commuting and me trying REALLY HARD 

to focus on all the art things that have fallen to the wayside.

Updating websites and social media and professional sites.

I am also looking for new opportunities and waiting on word from other 

submitted competitions.

I am going to class as often as I can and trying to balance it with having "fun"

I am alone for this week, meaning The Barren has next week off for what we loving call

"music camp"- which is an event that happens annually for him. Where he takes a week off to just play music both intimately with a friend and perform open mic nights.

During that week, I rarely see him and so it is like having a roommate who leaves dirty socks and dishes behind but never seems to be here.

This year, he is taking a second week, so that should be stranger.

When I told him that I had this week off, he said he'd support me by making sure to bring home or make food so I didn't have to think about it.

but...

work got super stressful for him and I am doing what I normally do

laundry

dishes

cleaning the cat box

paying bills

making my own meals and trying to work in the studio

**sigh**

last night we had a blow out because, he came home asking what I wanted for dinner and I told him after a day of reading submission requirements and making a newsletter my brain was blown...

this lead to an argument where neither of us wanted to Adult and make choices for food and so he made himself dinner and left to practice music

I made myself dinner and watched a movie alone and cried.

My yoga classes are good and I feel stronger...

but the owner of the studio is suffering from infertility and is being very open about it on social media and I think I am being a little triggered by it.

ok, maybe a lot triggered.

I feel so deeply for the struggle and the path that she is taking...

first surgery for endo and now they have several failed IUI cycles and declared today that next month they start IVF.

I wished her the best and am trying to not focus on it and just do my practice.

I have also found myself choosing to not attend her classes as I would only think about her struggle instead of my own journey.

**sigh**

I go my period a couple of weekends ago...

52days late.

I had two train crash days where I was bleeding hard and heavy 

and then it was gone again.

I am thankful and now know what it might be like next time.

strange indeed

The day before my period I fainted before yoga class...

I got up before class started to pee, which I do a lot more than I'd like...but normal stuff

and I got light headed, also normal...you know how your vision is dimmed because your blood pressure is trying to regulate...well it just came at my wave after wave and the world started to tilt and I was thinking " what the hell is happening?!" and then I was awake. 

I have NEVER done that and I fell into the yoga mat storage

I came to fast and because that has never happened to me before 

I just went back into class and did class.

No one saw me faint, and aside from some gnarly bruises it has not happened again.

Although, I am taking precautions when getting up from the floor and in transitions.

So that is my summer so far....

oh and I delivered a HUGE project for a new hotel...

that had been in the making for over a year.

and it will knock down a lot of my credit card debt...

having an inconsistent income has some downfalls.

I can't imagine doing anything else...but it will be nice to have less personal debt

and maybe be able to start putting some money into my IRA again...

even if it is just $20 a month.

I think I'm gonna gather coins from the laundry and maybe buy myself an ice cream

it is summer after all!

Thankful Thursday-Personal Goals

OK I am first to admit my personal goals are sometimes small and seem REALLY silly,

BUT

Today I met a personal goal.

I am in the middle of my period week, 

usually a day I am laid up and under the influence of a pain pill and bad television. 

Instead this morning, I got up and went to yoga.

It turned out that we had a substitute and it was a really challenging class, and I made it through.

I was in no pain, panting yes, but I didn't bleed out of my clothes and in fact I feel pretty darn alright!

I was even able to do a real version of this pose....

it has taken about a year and a half...and I might have been a little closer to the floor.....

but

my string bean arms are learning that I mean business and I want to be able to do a real push up. 

HELL YEAH!!

yoga love

I know that it looks like no big deal, but I am someone who has NEVER been able to do a push-up or pull-up so this turns out to be a BIG deal for me.

I am also happy to report that The Barren is still at it...

he is in his second week of running and I am so so so proud of him! 

I am reclaiming my body, I am dropping the protective layers I had built for so many years!

I am fine, I am whole...and getting stronger everyday.

Even when I feel unstable or unsure, I am growing stronger and more sure.

My feet are firmly planted on the ground.

10 years ago today, our goddaughter was born, and I attended the birth.

Watching her take her first breath, 

while trying to breath between my own mind-numbing menstrual pain.

three days later I was in the ER with a 10mm corpus luteum and a doctor asking us if we were done making babies. Our goddaughter had always been a marker of the start of the downfall.

 Last night we gave her a gift and listened to her tell us her birthday plans.

I was not remembering the pain or the sorrow...

I was lost in her joy.

We are slowing looking at other versions of ourselves. 

We are trying new things with our bodies and re-thinking our self-imposed restrictions.

This weekend is the anniversary of the day we asked each other to marry each other.

I am so thankful that my vision was so clear to ask The Barren to marry me.

I am so thankful that we are taking this journey together.

I am so thankful that we are each others cheerleaders.

I am so thankful

Fork in the road

image via etsy

 

I am finding that I am slowly remembering a long list of things that will never be.

Like I am in a way saying another goodbye to them.

I am working hard at not being bitter as that is one of my fears.

to create a bitter leftover version of myself

 

I think this latest cycle has been a reminder that I will not carry a child.

Like all the words and years are rushing up on me.

My period use to be a couple days: no biggie, no major shift in my life.

Then I tried to get pregnant and they became these HUGE productions; painful and pointed.

Then 6months ago the surgery, and now they are strange performance art pieces; I never really know what is going on, and what to expect next.

I am still bleeding, even though I have been back on the pill for three days.

I am really along for the ride.

When I was expressing this disappointment to The Barren the the other night,

 telling him I was done bleeding, I wanted to get on with my next 90days,

I had a wave of sympathy for my uterus.

Maybe it is not done doing it's thing, I mean clearly it is...but maybe it is mourning too?!

I said aloud to him, " I know one day sooner then I want it, I will not be bleeding anymore and then I will be sad about that too"

He giggled and said he understood what I meant.

 

I am realizing that I am turning the corner and beyond child-making.

It really isn't gonna magically happen.

 

This made me reflect on all the "positive affirmations" that I have been repeating year after year.

What happens emotionally when you are not gonna get what you wanted.

Not like a toy, or jewelery or cars or houses, or jobs....but a vision of family.

I wonder what those

 feel good, be nice to yourself, believe in miracles, expect the impossibles?

I still collect them, I read them, I try really hard to believe them, wanting to live the words.

I try to not be cynical when I read about others starting their IF journey, knowing that my story doesn't have to be everyones outcome.

What do I do now? How do I start re-building my self identity I mean time is ticking away.

Life is short and have I already spent too much of it hoping against hope?

Waiting and crying and wondering what I could do to make something that would never be happen.

 

My SIL is 6months pregnant with their third child, and as she posts belly growing pics online, and fetus updates, and updates us all on her cravings and aches and pains...

I wonder what does it feel like?

Something so natural, became so unnatural for us...the hippie kids couldn't make a baby?

The teenager could, the IV drug user could, the fighting couple could.

 

I feel that strange sense of numb again, the numb I felt (or didn't feel) when I was slipping into depression, but I am not terribly sad this time. I am not terribly happy either.

I am present, here and now.

Wondering

seeking a new path

a new identity

Not wanting to re-invent myself...but wondering who I really am.

Upended

I am going to bitch today...if you have no desire to read me bitching about The Barreness and her wicked mean ways...check back later this week. xo

******************************************************************************

I have completely torn apart my studio space....

I mean I have every inch of floorspace covered right now...

like a visual temper tantrum.

I have barely hatched out a space for me to sit and type this...but I have. I really wanted to make a better space to work in, weed out things and supplies I was not using to free up space for ones I am using or wanting easier access to tools.

All I have now is a HUGE mess and all week I just keep closing the door and ignoring the door, while deadline are ticking and coming around the corner.

UGH so I am in here now sorting and shifting.

I really am prepared to create anything at anytime...I am a well stocked closet, but it has also shed light on an addiction.

I have an addiction to art supplies. I have a bad one....

 

image via pinterest

 

The Barreness has reared her head, she was laying in wait for a while, so I really shouldn't be surprised.

She shot me in the gut Friday...and left me blinded with pain and curled around a heating pad like some crazy 1970's filmstrip movie of how to relieve menstrual pains.

I got panicked again, the pain that I use to experience returned...the constant wave after wave of ever increasing pain in the face of a pain pill scared me...I fear returning to the ER, in fact I will do anything ANYTHING else to avoid that trip and terror.

Friday night was date night, we had gone out and half way to the restaurant I had The Barren return home so I could take my pain pill in time and not over shoot the timing and have a break in the dosing.

We sat at dinner, me blinded and mentally ticking away the minutes till I could hear what he was saying as the pain subsided...smiling grimacing through the pain and discomfort...waiting for the distraction to help sail me past the cramping and pinching and pulling.

Waiting for the food, that took FOREVER to arrive (really it was over an hour) and then pretending that the pain lifted so The Barren could relax a little. As we drove home, I was getting concerned as the pain was still building...The Barren asked ever so softly..." is there something I can do? When do I need to be really concerned? Would you like a bath or should we go somewhere else..." We returned home, me chanting the mantra  "I can take this other pain pill if I need it, we still have options"...then I remembered that horrible filmstrip from 5th grade about heat...and seeing as I could not even keep my eyes open any longer, I opted to have the heating pad..it took a little for the Barren to find an extension cord so it would reach me curled into a ball on the couch. I am not sure when it happened but the combination of the heat and pain... but I passed out...I awoke three hours later to The Barren asking how I was...I stumbled into the bedroom and caught sight of myself...I was dead pale...I mean PALE...I fell into bed and The Barren brought the heat pad to me and I curled myself around it and fell into a sleep filled with terror and fears.

The Barreness laughed at me all day yesterday...pushing me down, and hobbling me with constant trips to the bathroom, making sure I bled through at least two pair of pants...she kept me home all day and when night came, only allowed me an hour and a half before opening the faucet for more runs to the toilet. I felt belittled and silly...I am a woman for gods sake, you'd think I'd have this whole -don't bleed on your clothes -thing figured out my now...but it always seems to strike me by surprise.

Stupid! Stupid Stupid....

 

Today I am facing the studio, well trying to...at least get a good portion of it workable again...less chaos of paper and untwisted...removing things.

I got orders for items from a children's line I use to make, I spent time remembering why I am not making more for that endeavor and then I got an email from a new artist friend telling me she is pregnant and wants to see what items are still available....

the whole world feels upended this weekend...I am aiming for some firmly planted footing this coming week. After all I need to revisit the children items again...just as I was packing them up and moving them out of the studio.

People keep having babies....everyone keeps having babies.

she came and kicked my ass

Be careful what you ask for....

The Barreness came, kicked me as hard as she could in my uterus, making me puke and shit myself all at the same time, then left me bruised and sore for the last two days.

...but it appears that my period is almost over and I get on a plane tomorrow.

I will not be as swollen as I thought when I stand in the gallery overseas talking about my artwork with other artists!

Yeah

Moral:

Don't taunt mother nature

cause if you do it will bust your ass and leave ya bleedin'

*

I'll be MIA for a week or so, but I will report back with a pic or two

Promise

thank you sisterhood

xoxoxo

Waiting and waiting.....

So I counted days and by gosh I am suppose to have good old AF by now...days before the trip.

The last time we went on a big trip I got it the day before and was whacked out on pain pills the whole time...this time I want it to be different! I want to have fun and not cry the whole time!

Plus I have a great dress I would like to stand up strait in

and not be fighting the urge to hurl the whole time.

So as I wait, I search for funny pics and I found this site: Menstrual Pinups

Altered in photoshop, all have visible signs of the their periods.

Consider it an invitation to arrive AF, come on, I know you wanna be here.....

Really...



I have never really dealt with the idea of PMS,

or maybe a better word is, acknowledged.

Before the whole IF nightmare began; I took great pride in the fact that no one really knew when I got my period.

I never talked about it, I was able to do anything I wanted whenever I wanted and it was a badge of honor for me...as I often felt that women were dismissed because of it.

My hubby has an thing on his phone that keeps track of my cycle; he says that it is empowering to know where I am in my body. He wants me to feel the same about it.

Ugh, whatever....

Today though, today I have found myself working uphill to make anything happen.

I didn't want to get out of bed, I didn't want to get dressed.

I got dressed, I fed myself, I went to the garden and turned a water heavy pile of compost.

I came home and found that I just wanted to sit on the couch

watch stupid TV shows and eat the worst food for me in the house.

I am trying to not beat myself up about not being in the studio.

Not being productive

not being useful today.

I am suppose to get my period next week....but that is a whole week away!

I think I have PMS

OMG what has happened to me?!

Modesty

After a night of childbirth dreams, which I am sure were spurred by my overnight cramping;

 I awoke to my period.

A week early and on the day of my pelvic MRI.

I know now The Barreness is pulling no punches.

I am not going to take any pain meds before the MRI so that all is shown it is glory, no abridged story here.

My sense of modesty has flown out the window, as I called to ask if I can wear a tampon for the MRI.

I feel like I did in Jr High when I got my period at school and had to run home to change clothes.

I am fighting the nausea that the pain brings....I am shaking from the nerves, I am visualizing my ovary surviving its hostile takeover.