fighting against it all

We attended a Black Lives Matter rally two weekends ago.
We paraded around (in the car) the protesters with hand-painted signs of support.
(this was our social distancing version of protesting)
I am reading new books and learning how to be a better anti-racist.
but there are people that didn't support the cause...
one of our favorite Vietnamese take out places put a Black Lives Matter sign in their storefront window and some customers asked him to take it down that it made them uncomfortable.
He refused...and thankfully he mentioned it on his social media page
and received a load of support!
PEOPLE!! Seriously!
I am feeling the water creeping closer to my head in this fight...

I was reading what other countries are reading and understanding about the US.
and I was not surprised.
We are a train-wreck and then this happened...

This is why Americans are still dying and contracting the virus.

This is an example of people I live near.

I fight everyday to think the best of people, believe that most people are good.

I do hold that as my starting point.

This is why it is questioned every day and why I am terrified to go get groceries.

Thankfully the city council voted to mandate masks 

for all indoor businesses, and government offices, it was a close vote though!!

4-3 for masks

My town is on a watch list now, as we have had a spike in cases.

over 100 new cases over the weekend and an increase in hospitalized cases.

This is how the US is dealing with the virus.

we have a peeing section in our pool.

If you are outside the US, know that there are millions marching against this.
We have more registered voters than ever before.
Most of us DO NOT WANT this reality.
MANY of us believe in equality and justice.
We want a change to the establishment.
WE ARE FIGHTING.
if you are an american and live abroad

PLEASE VOTE!!

Tiggered

So I am on "summer vacation" which looks like

 a week of not commuting and me trying REALLY HARD 

to focus on all the art things that have fallen to the wayside.

Updating websites and social media and professional sites.

I am also looking for new opportunities and waiting on word from other 

submitted competitions.

I am going to class as often as I can and trying to balance it with having "fun"

I am alone for this week, meaning The Barren has next week off for what we loving call

"music camp"- which is an event that happens annually for him. Where he takes a week off to just play music both intimately with a friend and perform open mic nights.

During that week, I rarely see him and so it is like having a roommate who leaves dirty socks and dishes behind but never seems to be here.

This year, he is taking a second week, so that should be stranger.

When I told him that I had this week off, he said he'd support me by making sure to bring home or make food so I didn't have to think about it.

but...

work got super stressful for him and I am doing what I normally do

laundry

dishes

cleaning the cat box

paying bills

making my own meals and trying to work in the studio

**sigh**

last night we had a blow out because, he came home asking what I wanted for dinner and I told him after a day of reading submission requirements and making a newsletter my brain was blown...

this lead to an argument where neither of us wanted to Adult and make choices for food and so he made himself dinner and left to practice music

I made myself dinner and watched a movie alone and cried.

My yoga classes are good and I feel stronger...

but the owner of the studio is suffering from infertility and is being very open about it on social media and I think I am being a little triggered by it.

ok, maybe a lot triggered.

I feel so deeply for the struggle and the path that she is taking...

first surgery for endo and now they have several failed IUI cycles and declared today that next month they start IVF.

I wished her the best and am trying to not focus on it and just do my practice.

I have also found myself choosing to not attend her classes as I would only think about her struggle instead of my own journey.

**sigh**

I go my period a couple of weekends ago...

52days late.

I had two train crash days where I was bleeding hard and heavy 

and then it was gone again.

I am thankful and now know what it might be like next time.

strange indeed

The day before my period I fainted before yoga class...

I got up before class started to pee, which I do a lot more than I'd like...but normal stuff

and I got light headed, also normal...you know how your vision is dimmed because your blood pressure is trying to regulate...well it just came at my wave after wave and the world started to tilt and I was thinking " what the hell is happening?!" and then I was awake. 

I have NEVER done that and I fell into the yoga mat storage

I came to fast and because that has never happened to me before 

I just went back into class and did class.

No one saw me faint, and aside from some gnarly bruises it has not happened again.

Although, I am taking precautions when getting up from the floor and in transitions.

So that is my summer so far....

oh and I delivered a HUGE project for a new hotel...

that had been in the making for over a year.

and it will knock down a lot of my credit card debt...

having an inconsistent income has some downfalls.

I can't imagine doing anything else...but it will be nice to have less personal debt

and maybe be able to start putting some money into my IRA again...

even if it is just $20 a month.

I think I'm gonna gather coins from the laundry and maybe buy myself an ice cream

it is summer after all!

You are a wreck

So I went to the endo doctor....

I had The Barren come with me, well, because it was a male doctor and as sexist as that sounds often times when I have visited a male doctor they talk down to me unless The Barren is present.

It sucks and is sad, but true.

So I brought back-up

Also, I had MASSIVE white coat and I wanted a second set of ears to hear what my brain dropped with its high screeching sound.

I was sweating and anxious and although my clots had stopped on Monday, I was still spotting.

The doctor came into the exam room like a cowboy on a bulldozer.

Sat down in front of me with my folder and said:

"You are peri-menopausal.

that is why you are bleeding like this."

"We've met before, but you were asleep" (creepy)

He assisted on my ovarian cystectomy and stage four endo confirmation.

" yep, you are total mess, everything is just all mucked up in there."

He was trying to make light of things I think...but it came across a little like a used car salesman

He told me that when I got tired of bleeding I should consider a D&C or Uterine Ablation or both.

But first, 

" We need to do an endometrial biopsy, to confirm that you don't have uterine cancer. I don't think you do, but it is important to confirm that.

I have my nurse practitioners do them because I don't like to hurt people and they hurt. Because I have never had any children, my cervical opening is small or totally closed and they might not be able to do the biopsy, so if that is the case then they would do it with a D&C""

I saw The Barren go pale when the doctor described the process 

and I think I left my body at that moment.

He suggested that I double up on my BC pill to up the hormone and if it works then we can switch to another pill and just take them back to back.

Oh, and you can only take the pill until you are 50 so you only have a little bit of time left on that.

then you are considered Menopausal and you shouldn't be on the pill anymore.

I told him I was most afraid of having to have a hysterectomy and he told me that he had ZERO desire to do one, that he doesn't even have it on the list of options....unless needed.like uterine cancer.

That was a relief among the land mines.

He also said that caffeine or alcohol are not triggers for endo and that I should be drinking champagne whenever I want and enjoying my cup of tea in the morning.

I left the office with a biopsy appointment, with a nurse practitioner that was versed in the procedure of difficult subjects, and the lady at the front desk said she would ask if a should take some kind of medicine ahead of the procedure to help make it easier for us both...but it wasn't an anti-anxiety drug.

I left the appointment feeling like I had been run over by a mack truck!

I was dizzy and shaking and confused and so very sad.

I spoke to a pharmacist yesterday that confirmed that doubling up on the BC pill was a good option and if the spotting stopped then get a new prescription with that dose and take three 28 day packs back to back. 28 day packs have a wider range of dosages of hormone than the 91day generics I take.

I started last night and aside from some nausea this morning, I feel pretty alright and the spotting seems to be stopping too! 

I did yoga yesterday and today...that helped A LOT.

I am scared of the biopsy, but keep trying to focus on it being a 10-15 minute 

procedure and that the pain will be temporary.

The Barren is taking me to and from the appointment that day.

I am so done with this bullshit

I am done with doctors

I am done with the sadness

I am done with painful procedures

I am done with feeling so overwhelmed

but something somewhere in me won't let me totally give up and give in

I still have some dim flame of hope that this will be it, the last of it for a long spell 

Mouth guard

shirt credit

With the combination of the election and the fire and mudslide

I was fitted with a mouth guard that I wear at night

because I am grinding my teeth at night.

So badly, I chipped a tooth.

I have been wearing it every night, but have made a point 

as of late, to wear it even more 

religiously.

I am furious, I can feel it in every bone and oozing from every pore.

I have never been so ashamed to be an american.

The amount of sexism, racism, xenophobia, and blatant hate is inexcusable!

The government in place is a total embarrassment.

The old white men have had too much power and all this bullshit

has carried over into what might be a liar elected into the SCOTUS.

I watched Dr. Ford give her testimony, and I watched Brett cry and scream his.

I watched too much....

I have since turned off the news 100%

I vote and thankfully am in a state where my representatives feel the same way I do about 

Brett and women'r rights, health and immigration and take the time to answer the phones when I call in and thank them for supporting or voting against things that are brought up. 

I have had emails answered and these women do not run away from their constituents

they listen and respond.

Like responsible representatives.

That being said

after watching Dr.Ford, I experienced for the first time a true whole body trigger.

I remembered my assaults with great details.

I told The Barren for the first time, in our 26 years together, 

about the first one when I was about 8 years old.

Only my parents and my therapist(who was treating my grief from infertility) know about it, 

and they never mention it.

My father told me( at 8 years old) after hearing and seeing who did it that 

" I had an active imagination, and that this never happened"

So I buried it deep

Angry and confused as to why he chose to not believe me

I also told The Barren about another one that happened 

when I was a teenager, that no one knew about...

except me and the people involved.

He was deeply shook, and super supportive about being brave enough to tell him.

He knows about my sexual harassment incidents

 from workplaces that have happened since...

Dr.Ford made me remember

She made me strong enough to share my story 

she reminded me that these situations are not me, I am stronger and bigger than them.

They are nothing to be ashamed of

and nothing I did and nothing I need to carry responsibility for 

I think I will keep wearing my pride 

and wearing my mouth guard until this world is turned right side up again.

the future is female

Echos and debris

****Trigger Warning****
Miscarriage

photo credit


"internal echos and debris in the uterus"

The ultrasound tech told me that she thought it looked like I had a molar pregnancy.

I didn't know what this was and had to look it up.
There was nothing there now...

I still had blood and tissue in my endometrial lining and 

I should expect to keep spotting until my body either absorbs or expels the rest.

She use to be a midwife overseas, and specialized in high risk pregnancy

When the call came from the doctors office came 

 I was emotionally stable to listen to what they had to say.

which was: 

We don't see anything

one of your fibroids grew a millimeter

If something changes call us

The techs theory made sense to me and I am sticking with that one.

Since then, trying to resume a normal brainwave has been a struggle.

I got results from the doctor on the 23rd of last week and as the week rounded out my urethra

started to hurt/burn. So my Saturday morning I was in the walk in clinic.

I waited a good hour for the pee test, and then another half an our to be "seen"

The nurse that took me in took my vitals and asked questions.

No expression on her face.

She had me sit on the exam table behind a big curtain that she drew around me.

I sat there for another 15 minutes staring at the curtain and shaking, 

only hearing the nurse and doctor type on keyboards.

Then at one point I heard the doctor say my name, and the nurse whisper

She recently had a miscarriage...

At that point from behind the curtain I hear the doctor start to ask the question 

"how far along were you"

and appear from behind the curtain.

I told him early, I didn't even know I was, until I wasn't.

I am I still spotting.

He then said why are you here?

I told him my urethra hurt, not my bladder and I was concerned I might have the beginning of a UTI 

I had taken that urinary pain reliever stuff and aside from some minor relief it didn't do much.

He told me that my pee showed blood,  which makes sense if I am still spotting
but that there were no white blood cells...

blood is an irritant and if I hadn't been sexually active recently, that is the most likely culprit.

Did I have any back pain? I said yes

Then he took a single finger, and barely touched me

to point out to me the kidney area of my back.

Saying kidney issues are on one side only....bilateral pain it muscle.

He then swooped behind the curtain and told me he is calling in a prescription for an antibiotic to cover our bases and will culture my urine in case something didn't show on the dipstick test...

and then that was it.

No hello, so medical questions

just some pee and a finger touch

I left feeling totally numb

The Barren was with me this time and we ate something and picked up the drugs
and I went home and crawled into bed and slept for two hours.

Ideally this is the last of the complications

I can not emotionally take anything else thrown at me.

Spent on the sidelines

***Trigger warning***

Miscarriage

So I went to the doctor

I must say the level of kindness at the doctors office far exceeded my past experiences 

so there is a "good on you" sticker for them.

I was asked repeatedly if I was alright, and that they were really sorry.

I did express how even after all these years, I was able to find and access that deep sadness and numbness without any effort.

That is a shock still.

I peed in a cup

Had my temp and blood pressure taken (both elevated)

I had a pelvic exam

I was asked to recount what I had experienced over the last two weeks.

I like to give deep details in fear that something would be left out that was needed.

The nurse practitioner said she had ideas about what might be happening

I had all the signs of a miscarriage, but also unstable uterine wall

also peri-menopausal response

My fibroids or cysts or endo acting up

also she didn't know...

but felt that the longer I was on BCP the swing in hormones 

would eventually taper the bleeding.

So I went to get a blood test to check my 

HcG levels

My FSH

and my iron, because I kept saying that I was really tired.

I also had an order for a pelvic ultrasound.

I was the last appointment for the blood lab before lunch break.

The lady that drew my blood was saying how hungry she was over and over again....

and then as she was taking my blood said:

" I have a really good feeling about this potential pregnancy"

I said, " well, that's good"

and told her to enjoy her lunch.

I left and drove home to fall into a puddle.

Dr's office called the following day to say I am not starting menopause

(at least via hormone levels)

I am anemic and to take a multi vitamin and eat iron rich foods

and the lab didn't run the HCG blood test for some reason...

Did I ask them not to?!

And did I still want to do that.

An additional four days had passed and I told her no, 

I didn't think anything would be left to see.

I am now about to go and have my ultrasound

I am anxious and nervous about my cysts and fibroids having changed.

I am still spotting, and I know this ultrasound tech.

She is compassionate and listens and gives me a heads up 

if I need to be concerned about something she sees.

I am off to drink my water and get probed.

Then, then I can feel unpoked for a couple weeks before my annual checkup

In the meantime I will work on feeling more connected with my body again, as I currently feel quite removed from it....like I am watching from the sidelines.

Transitions

*** talking about pregnancy ***

A dear woman whom I have known for years just announced that she was pregnant. She waited until she was 5 months along before making a photo thing on social media.

This dear woman has been through the gamut of things to get here and it is really no small feat.

I first was introduced to her through another woman who asked me if my stomach was swollen from my cysts or fibroids...

The new mom to be had a large fibroid eventually removed and then for years later battled earth shattering pain with every period and post every surgery.

She got a really fantastic job, got engaged and bought a home...all while trying time and time again, almost every treatment under the sun to get pregnant....

today was the announcement that she is indeed carrying a child.

I read the news this morning and was happy for her.

Like she made the swim across the crocodile infested waters and crawled up the shore on the other side bruised and battered but successful! 

If the mantra for motherhood is that you need to have

" Sacrificed yourself, via pain and determination and drive. 

this woman  has checked all those " she deserves" to be a mother boxes.

I know this was all she wanted and will be amazing at tackling all the new unknowns coming her way with grace and humor.

While eating breakfast with The Barren this morning I told him, that it is becoming a testament to who can afford the trials gets the kid. The industry has boomed since we were trying and although we opted to not invite the "making " of a child, it appears that that is what is needed in all these newest cases; or that is what we are given the impression.

When the doctor finally confirmed my endo, she said that we would need A LOT of help to get pregnant if we still were considering that route.

We had come to terms with where our line was long ago, 

but I am not going to lie and say that that quiet little voice did not whisper into my ear this morning

  " maybe if you had...., if you would have...."

I am glad I made extra baby gifts when preparing last weeks shower delivery.

I don't need to spend the day making more things...they are made and simply need to be packed up and mailed off.

I also said to The Barren this morning:

" I am no longer there any more, I am not sure I could fair the battle again. I mean how many times do you have to be kicked before you decide you don't like being kicked?!"

The Barren responded "once"
I simply smiled and said , well if you are lucky you realize that... it took me a bit longer.

Celebrity Reading

In Her Own Words: Lena Dunham on Her Decision to Have a Hysterectomy at 31

I read this yesterday and it was strangely familiar to me

down to the nitty gritty details- in a strange and comforting way

I was able to keep my uterus 

and still advocate for it every year

but there was a time I had this on the table and it was a valid and real choice 

Olympic Sized Triggers

I don't know what it is like in other countries with the Olympic advertisers....

but here in the US, the sponsors are running ads that are triggering the hell outta me 

and making me dread every breakaway while watching the athletes compete.

If it is not a credit card company, it is some ad about how moms are great and make athletes superstars from their love and care and drinking milk.

UGH!!