Saturday, November 24, 2018

You are a wreck

Related image

So I went to the endo doctor....
I had The Barren come with me, well, because it was a male doctor and as sexist as that sounds often times when I have visited a male doctor they talk down to me unless The Barren is present.
It sucks and is sad, but true.
So I brought back-up
Also, I had MASSIVE white coat and I wanted a second set of ears to hear what my brain dropped with its high screeching sound.

I was sweating and anxious and although my clots had stopped on Monday, I was still spotting.
The doctor came into the exam room like a cowboy on a bulldozer.
Sat down in front of me with my folder and said:
"You are peri-menopausal.
that is why you are bleeding like this."
"We've met before, but you were asleep" (creepy)
He assisted on my ovarian cystectomy and stage four endo confirmation.
" yep, you are total mess, everything is just all mucked up in there."
He was trying to make light of things I think...but it came across a little like a used car salesman

He told me that when I got tired of bleeding I should consider a D&C or Uterine Ablation or both.
But first, 
" We need to do an endometrial biopsy, to confirm that you don't have uterine cancer. I don't think you do, but it is important to confirm that.
I have my nurse practitioners do them because I don't like to hurt people and they hurt. Because I have never had any children, my cervical opening is small or totally closed and they might not be able to do the biopsy, so if that is the case then they would do it with a D&C""
I saw The Barren go pale when the doctor described the process 
and I think I left my body at that moment.

He suggested that I double up on my BC pill to up the hormone and if it works then we can switch to another pill and just take them back to back.
Oh, and you can only take the pill until you are 50 so you only have a little bit of time left on that.
then you are considered Menopausal and you shouldn't be on the pill anymore.

I told him I was most afraid of having to have a hysterectomy and he told me that he had ZERO desire to do one, that he doesn't even have it on the list of options....unless uterine cancer.
That was a relief among the land mines.

He also said that caffeine or alcohol are not triggers for endo and that I should be drinking champagne whenever I want and enjoying my cup of tea in the morning.

I left the office with a biopsy appointment, with a nurse practitioner that was versed in the procedure of difficult subjects, and the lady at the front desk said she would ask if a should take some kind of medicine ahead of the procedure to help make it easier for us both...but it wasn't an anti-anxiety drug.
I left the appointment feeling like I had been run over by a mack truck!
I was dizzy and shaking and confused and so very sad.

I spoke to a pharmacist yesterday that confirmed that doubling up on the BC pill was a good option and if the spotting stopped then get a new prescription with that dose and take three 28 day packs back to back. 28 day packs have a wider range of dosages of hormone than the 91day generics I take.
I started last night and aside from some nausea this morning, I feel pretty alright and the spotting seems to be stopping too! 
I did yoga yesterday and today...that helped A LOT.

I am scared of the biopsy, but keep trying to focus on it being a 10-15 minute 
procedure and that the pain will be temporary.
The Barren is taking me to and from the appointment that day.

I am so done with this bullshit
I am done with doctors
I am done with the sadness
I am done with painful procedures
I am done with feeling so overwhelmed

but something somewhere in me won't let me totally give up and give in
I still have some dim flame of hope that this will be it, the last of it for a long spell 

Saturday, November 17, 2018

The Monster

I have an appointment to see a gyno on Wednesday.
I have not stopped bleeding and throwing large clots since Tuesday. 
(it is Saturday night)
When I asked my doctors office for advice, they said:
  you are already on the pill, there is nothing more we can do.
After feeling set afloat and abandoned...
I started calling gyno offices to see who took my insurance...and booked an appointment to see someone new.

When I called on Tuesday in shock at what appeared to be another miscarriage, I was immediately dismissed and told it was impossible on the pill.
Feeling run over and emotionally hurt as well as terrified by what was happening to my body...
I requested a change in BC pill as I had been spotting since August.
It was requested and after some hunting down, I got it ordered and filled.

I am bleeding
a lot

I fear and expect that this is The Monster that has been laying in wait for all these years.
The same monster that I have managed since my surgery in 2012. 
The Monster that has been quiet until now....allowing me to be me and feel like I had some control.

I don't know what shifted back in July to start the spotting
and then the the bleeding in August
that didn't stop until the end of the month
and then the spotting to begin again in October and
here I am now entering my third week of bleeding.
I have no that makes it all the more creepy.

This Monster lulls me into thinking all is fine but, has me in the bathroom every three or so hours.
I have had to stop yoga, as I tried to practice this week and got so dizzy and nauseous that I had to stop multiple times.
The Monster makes me think am covered and then leaks out of the body and into my clothes at work.
The Monster makes me think I can do normal tasks, but then when I attempt to begin, I am unplugged and need to sleep.
I am taking iron to try and build amour to protect myself...
drinking green juices to get even more iron
but every few hours I am drained of my efforts.

I do hope this doctor can be an ally
help me save my uterus from The Monster...
until then I take my BC pills and iron supplements and hope that my shield is strong enough to protect me from collapsing.