Bog Witches

Melancholy is my new normal.

I am moving slower, staying near home more, being okay with being alone more.

The Barren is in the middle of all his trips for the year; so I am doing my best to center myself with alone time. Art focusing, reading books, talking to the cats, yoga and growing food. 

I am actively trying to be present, but it is like living in a surreal state, where this new world is unfolding around me daily/hourly. It is hard to still wrap my head around how much has been lost, and how much is still being taken by this Sherbert Pervert and his minion of cowards.

****

I took the train to meet The Barren after his week long conference so we could drive home together and selfishly I could spend time with him from the very moment he was freed of his work commitments. The train took 6 hours, I got off, hugged and kissed my sweetie and then got into his car and we started the drive back home. I have done this a few times because I can't bear the idea that he would have to drive home, exhausted alone. So I am there as an optional driver and company. This year we stopped at a "plant butcher" so I could have a meal that I didnt have to cook. I tried legumes for the first time in a long while and although I was terrified about how my body might react, it did alright! I had the farts and a little bloat, but zero pain and I was happy about that.

A party this past weekend had questions about how I was feeling and it sat strange with me. Afterwards, I told The Barren that I don't want to talk about my health in social situations anymore. There is so much attached to it, like an oozing barnacle of attached emotions. In the end, it leaves me feeling badly about myself and I don't want to feel that way anymore. He heard me and saw what a spiral it sent me into. So hopefully that will be something of the past for now.

It felt empowering and scary to set that line in the ether.I am proud of myself for doing it.

***

                My car has driven to the moon and then some, I have diven it over 290,000 miles.
                                                            The moon is 238,900 miles.

While I was picking up my car from the mechanics after a routine oil change/inspection, I was joking with the woman who runs the office for her brother the mechanic (much like my work situation).  I told her that I had worked out really hard that morning and I was afraid to sit in the provided chair, as I might have a really hard time standing again. We joked about aging and new noises our bodies make and then she said, 'We having a meeting of bog witches the first of each month at a local divebar, we call it "bookclub" but it is mostly a group of older gals sitting and making community. Sometimes we make protest signs, sometimes we just bitch or learn about native plants. If you would like to join us, this is where we meet and you are welcome swing by and hang out with us"

I felt sooooooo coool! Like the coolest person in school invited me to sit with them at lunch, because I was unique and they liked it!

Needless to say, I will battle my introvert tendencies and do my best to join their next meeting.

It was so flipping cool.

Then I paid my $200 bill and left on my broom, that looks like a well loved and cared for car.

Rollercoaster of Love

 

I am still here, still above ground.
This post does ramble...
I am a swirl of thoughts feelings and moods in every hour of the day. 

I am still in a guinea pig level of this new medication...but I am cautiously hopeful that things might be working better. I haven't been in an ER since May and I count that as a win! I have locked down my diet even more, even though having an auto immune disease means that the food doesn't really play a part in the inflammation but can contribute to irritations. So I am experimenting even more on taking things from my diet, or massively limiting them.

It is exhausting and makes having tea with a friend VERY challenging. I am there sipping water while they eat or drink beverages I once enjoyed. They try and not make a big deal about it, but I see their looks, wondering if I eat at all...or if I am hungry or...who knows. 
I am trying to make it a practice of being present in a conversation and present with the person who has asked to share time and I choose to share time with as well.

 Honestly though, at times it is very hard to not show how I really feel about how scared I am. How I constantly fear that I might eat something that could send me into a ball of pain. How they might see how scared I am to eat anything I haven't made myself...how hyper cautious I am about everything, how this has massively changed my relationship with food, my body image, my self-esteem and wellbeing.

I am back to assisting with my parents in person. I was invited back to help. I have maintained all the stuff in the background, but was refused when I offered to help take them to appointments or help by dropping off meals. So I started with shuttling my father to his mental health appointment and was asked to sit in on the session. Another therapist saw how we interact with my father and saw how challenging it is. My father is a performer, and so he is 100% on when he is around people other than family; presenting a different version to the outside world than is true making up facts. The therapist sees it thankfully, which is reassuring.

I also took my father to his annual wellness check and it was ordered that he needed a treadmill test. I took him to that, and I think it was a shock to my father that he wasn't able to last more than 2 minutes on the walking pad before his legs gave out. He will be returning to the test, but via IV dyes and stimulants to test his heart. It has been heartbreaking and beautiful to see this side of my father. Beautiful in seeing how vulnerable he is, it is a rare thing to be able to witness this side of our parents, so I hold it as a precious thing.
Each of these visits leaves me spent: emotionally, and I want to comfort myself, I do what I can to refortify myself. When he was in aftercare after his fall, I would eat a bag of harvest snaps on the drive home, screaming in between when tension was so high. Now, I drive in complete silence, no snacks are okay at this time....

It is a rollercoaster

I am rule follower, but I am determined to find a path that will work for me. 
I had two social meetings this past weekend and both left me so tired. I joke that the person who says yes to these is a different person than who shows up. I know it is super important to be social, and connect with people who are not toxic, so I push myself to go. I enjoyed both events but I was pretty quiet afterwards. I have found myself looking at people and wondering what it is like to walk in their life, eat what they eat, socialize like they do. I have found myself so much more serious and introspective. I used to identify with Tigger and now I am a cross between Piglet and Eeyore. 

Has anyone else been feeling like this? A shift in how you are interacting with the world around you?

The Barren has returned from his trip to Canada and he mentioned that the city he had his business in was light and vibrant and happy. 
I said "was it like to not waking up in a pool of existential dread every day?" and although we laughed at it, it was true.

Soapbox moment to the universe: I love where I live, it really is pretty and the kind beautiful people I interact with...but at the same time I absolutely HATE this government and everyone who is playing along, justifying it, validating it, supporting it and downplaying it.

I have been hunkering down and trying to find a bit of loft in my mind. Sometimes I get so caught up in the downward spiral of thoughts....other times it is like I am rollerskating around big holes in the road. Currently my garden spots are bringing me joy. I have a community spot and a couple guerilla spots around my complex that I have planted and they are all thriving and bright with blooms and food. I am slowly exploring art making practices that are new and interesting. I am practing yoga multiple times a week and getting closer every class to making my goal of 1000 classes done by the end of the year. Today was class 968. There have been some wins and I am celebrating them. 

My life feels like a rollercoaster for sure, but I am still trying to see it through love lenses,
No matter how cheesy that is.

Always Responsible

 I was sitting quietly in resting pose after a challenging yoga class and started to break apart what was bothering me the most. Like triaging my feelings and trying to make them make sense.

Mind you I have a few dishes spinning in my life and so I understand that feeling overwhelmed is a natural place to be; in fact expected. The Barren mentioned to me the other day that if he didn't know me and the "behind the scenes" reality of me, there is no outward sign that I am struggling.

I am the type of person who will volunteer if no one else steps up, I am the one who will snap into fix it mode for most anyone. It takes great personal restraint to not step into many, if not all situations, sometimes having to have a talk with myself justifying why I need to step back and not forward. 

If I don't do X or Y the world will collapse and it will be my fault. If I pick a place to eat and the service is bad it was my fault. If I don't buy the recycled paper it will be my fault that additional trees are cut down. I didn't triple check on that person, if they had a bad day it was my fault, I could have shifted their day, mood or feelings about themselves.

It made me wonder about not only myself, but why I am like this ? Why am I the one who is responsible for everyone?

Perfect example: this whole nightmare with my father accident and recovery. I knew no one else could/would step up to help my parents, so I did. Without a second thought I abandoned everything, hyper-focused my path for rehabilitation and got to work researching day and night. In all honesty, I was terrified I would not think of everything to repair what was broken and that someone would call me out on it; and claim I was a horrible daughter. 

When family, who was not involved in the day to day would come in with suggestions, I let them know that I had already addressed those things, they had already been accessed. Fearing that I had left a stone unturned, and a soft part vulnerable to being attacked, but I hadn't, I literally thought of everything. I fixed all the squeaky parts.

As of late, one member has a call into the same medical social worker that visited before and deemed everything done and there was nothing left to do. My mother told the family member it was fine to call, they feel as though they are "helping" in a way that makes things better for me. My mother is passive to this person so she goes along with whatever they say.  I told them "I invite you to call whoever you think might help them in a way they would like to be helped" (not sure they picked up on that nuance of words)

When my dear friend was hospitalized and told she needed a new kidney and a heart, I immediately thought, can I donate mine? I mentally volunteered mine, before researching if it was even possible with my chronic illnesses. Turns out I can, but I am at deadly risk of infection and it might not go well for me, the donor and I need to stick around to continue to care for the others. So I sit in that sadness of feeling useless and worry for her.

Most recently, family has visited and "checked" on my parents...concerned that my mother is not sleeping enough, not taking breaks, my father is not following directions, ignoring homework. I sat patiently and listened to them pick apart everything and in response answered each of their questions calmly and completely with detailed information about doctors, parental responses, therapies etc. No one has asked how I was, if I was sleeping, if I was mentally okay. Instead I just kept my head down and kept making lunches and transcribing doctors appointments and making new ones.

As of this last couple weeks, my parents have asked me to stay home. They want to see how they can manage on their own, which I think is great! I have set a schedule for them, held their hands while getting my mother (the driver) acquainted with where everything is, where to park, how to get back home etc...but this transition did not start smoothly and began with "don't come anymore". It was like having the door slammed in my face...I put that aside and respected space and time and choice of words and have stayed "away" except I still get daily calls asking for aide in remembering calls, appointments and hearing my mother sound off and cry over the phone about how frustrated and tired she is of my father and his lack of motivation and desire to "get better"

Then yesterday, after 4 years of protecting ourselves....The Barren went to a Noah Kahan concert with our goddaughter three days ago and didn't wear a mask and he tested positive for Covid. I called and told my brother that I would miss an eye appointment for our father this week. He in turn told our parents that hubby tested positive and when she called she told me to be careful and then proceeded to start crying about my father frustrating her and how she will manage. I had just returned from the store in an effort to feel less panic from this virus and trying to think of everything we might need for the next few days, purchasing 10 at homes tests for us for the week. I have tested negative so far. 

Life seems to feel like a runaway train right now...or whack a mole, I'm going to try and see it like whack a mole, it is a funnier version and people usually smile when welding a mallet.

My oh my

* free writing to try and triage my feelings*

I have time at home today, my car is being serviced, as it now has 280,000 miles on it. I used to commute everyday to the town my parents live in and then when we quarantined I stopped. Now I am doing it again, most weeks. My father has graduated to out patient therapies, no more home therapy visits. 

So that is progress, but he still has short term memory loss and balance issues. I am there sometimes 5 times a week, sometimes three days so I can go to my doctor visits and get a yoga class in and cook and clean up my home...and if it works out, see and snuggle my hubby.

I set up my parents with all the visits for outpatient therapy which has them attending until the end of August, as well as a monthly membership to a non-profit that specializes in brain injury. My father attends in person classes for brain workouts, physical fitness and group support. My mother attends as well to watch and sometimes participate too. I have her set up in monthly peer support group and have paved the way for her to access additional resources for more therapy as well as respite care should she choose to access it.

She has spent a long time putting herself in the back seat and as gently or forcefully I offer to assist her with getting her medical appointments up to date she pushes back and keeps things very close to her chest. So I struggle daily with explaining things over and over and over again to her. I am often her therapist explaining how things are not ever going back to how they were and that this is the new normal. She asks again hours later, like I am that magical fridge that you open the door to and new things appear. As you would imagine this is exhausting, heartbreaking and I have put all the rest of my life on hold while I set this all up and get it rolling into place. 

My father doesn't do what my mother hopes for and my mother doesn't accept/realize this is not going to magically change. So instead she just keeps her teeth locked into her desires and refuses to listen to the present, instead she hyper focuses on things he is doing "wrong". When I was there last they were bickering the whole time, and it was beyond exhausting to witness. 

My mother was mad at something my father couldn't answer and he was confused what he had done wrong and then eventually was just confused, as he had no clue what was making my mother mad and snappy at him. She in turn felt that he was avoiding the topic all together. My mother has two senior cats that are 17yr old and are having accidents from time to time. My father suggested it was time to "get rid of them" my mother was very hurt by this (understandably) but didn't consider the source and so she just held it as a personal attack. She told me she held her tongue and didn't say what she was thinking which was "maybe we should get rid of you too" So that was a right move on her part...and the day progressed like that. They attended a peer group later and my mother said that my father had a great time and he told me he had a great time and then when asked the next morning, he said he didn't. And so it goes over and over.

Meanwhile I am feeling less and less visible. When my dad finally came home from rehab, we were focused on his safety, and we still are, but are starting to relax a little, but as this was all starting I got an avalanche of news that I have been carrying like a heavy load:

My aunt and uncle were both diagnosed with cancer, the woman I used to nanny for who I am still very much in touch with, is now an adult and back in the hospital awaiting a heart and kidney transplant, my medicine had to change because I developed a complication to my Crohns/colitis, one of my closest friends decided they were developing feelings for me and couldn't bare that I was married and cut off talking to me and asked me to not reach out to them, a fellow woman I mediate with for the last few years had a her breast removed because she has breast cancer and is starting chemo and yesterday I was laid off from my job.

I have not been able to go to yoga regularly, make artwork or spend real quality time with my hubby. My birthday came and went with not much to define it from one day to another. I  got a card from hubby telling me that he couldn't think of something special to do and that he loved me. When I mentioned how I was feeling to a doctor I went to see one for ear pain, it was just accepted as this is life. We are all overwhelmed and sad....get used to it. ( I mean it felt like that, I don't remember what she said actually...accept to not offer much)

My bestie flew into town to help her mom organize some things and we had a hot 18 hours together. I drove into town to get her, arranged for us to have a massage and lunch and then drove her back to her moms. It was nice to see her, but the whole experience was a lot, and honestly not very relaxing for me.

Is this the new normal? Is this what I am needing to fold my mind into for my life now?

I am spending today writing out these thoughts in hopes to release some of them and free up some mental space to rethink about what I want and how to hustle some new gigs that could land some cash into my hands.... mostly I just want to run away. I feel badly thinking that I didn't sign up for this and how deeply sad and invisible I feel.

ALOT- yep I meant it like that

TW **pregnancy talk towards the end**

I have begun taking HRT (hormone replacement therapy), to me this is another milestone in life...

I went to a second doctor to get a second opinion about an ultrasound result and was given the all clear for treatment. It was a 1 hour wait to see him, also my first male GYN doctor. He came into the room with a resident in tow also a man, and sat down, apologized for the wait and asked why I had come in. I said, get ready for an earful, and then I recounted the history with my uterus & ovaries, why I get yearly pelvic ultrasounds, recent tests and results and my concern about the most recent ultrasound results*. Once I was done, he asked if I was in gynecology, as my descriptions and knowledge was similar to his...I said, well I've had to be my own advocate for a  long time and this is the result.  He said he only had one question, and it was a simple yes or no. My assumption about the current situation was true and he agreed with the prior midwife and the result was that I did not need the procedure the ultrasound tech suggested.

After that was cleared up, I asked if he could recommend a menopause care doctor in town, to which he explained that we could take care of it there....I could get onto HRT, as my breast lump is benign, and I am early into menopause. I told him I had been reading about all the benefits of starting early into menopause and that I was tired of feeling like a zombie. I wasn't sleeping, I was having a hard time focusing, I was more and more concerned about my overall health, my libido had dropped, and although my hot flashes are mild, my night sweats for the last 10 years were getting REALLY old. 

He reassured me of the benefits, and after suggesting that I start a patch. I told him that although that was a great option, I have an allergy to adhesives and so we needed to find another mechanism for delivery. I asked my questions and voiced concerns about my endo, and fibroids and cysts; which he answered and then I left with a prescription and knowledge in what I was choosing.

I sat in the car and felt..........SEEN, HEARD, and scared but EXCITED. A new milestone.

When I picked up the drugs from the pharmacy, I asked the pharmacist what to expect and was given another pep talk and left feeling good about my choices.

My bestie and I have had conversations about HRT and when she went into the doc to have her IUD removed and to ask about HRT the doctor was far from helpful, instead delivered the phrase " it is just something we need to deal with" She is now on the hunt for a doctor that specializes in menopausal care too.

This is not something we should have to "deal with" she is miserable, I am feeling less miserable (even after a week, even if it is psychosomatic at this point) and we deserve better care.

All this after a span of two months of constant stress trying to make something for the newest exhibition that the gallery invited me for. After too many sleepless nights, failed attempts and tears I turned in four options, that I had created with the theme, knowing that I had literally tried everything I could to make the art. Thankfully, and with a kind nod from the universe, I was invited to submit a selected work. So I am in the exhibition. It is a fundraiser, but 50% of the sale goes to me, and the rest is split between the gallery and the garden.  I am quite proud that all the work manifested into a positive reality.

I have been "resting" my creative self since the submission. I had tea with some longtime friends who are painters and preparing for their solo exhibitions. I told them that I was flattened creatively from what seems like a constant sprint. They told me about the post exhibition breakdown, I was still running on my treadmill in an effort to make something else, capture that spark...grab for the stars...be everything and everyone! 

It was reassuring to hear it is real and needed. We are all feeling and looking haggard, wanting to make beautiful, meaningful work while still being everything to everyone and trying to take care of ourselves too...it is alot, a big furry, alot,  just there waiting to see what we step in next.

from Allie Brosh

Does the world seem to be spinning strangely? Is time whipping by like a top?

It is graduation time again, maybe that is why the alot appeared, time markers, reminders of how old my star child is...

Why are all of my yoga classes filled with visibly pregnant women, so so many of them and so many more that are newly pregnant women talking about how newly pregnant they are...

I thought all the dudes got vasectomies' when Roe was overturned...I guess not.

I guess it is another alot.

*my ultrasound result said that I should get an endometrial biopsy, as my endometrium is too thick for a woman my age. I got two opinions from two doctors who looked at my past ultrasound results and agreed it was not needed. Plus, with my closed cervix, I would require a D&C just to access my uterus...

Forked

 

I'm exhausted

I have made it to the other side of the constant testing, I think.

The harrowing MRI turned out fine, nothing bad found, no new information.

So for the record, these MRI's are crappy ways to spend $100 at a time.

anyways, that part seems to be done.

I had my annual check in with my GP physician yesterday, I was assigned a new one.

When she entered the room she had a long list of notes on me as she had reviewed my record...kind of.

I spent most of the appointment watching her chart my current situation.

She asked a couple questions, I didn't have to have a pelvic because another department does those now and when she started telling me about my dense breasts, I told her I pay outta pocket for those ultrasounds too. I was overwhelmed...

I do know that at one point I said that "this was easier than my decade of infertility"

 Between you and me, I was still quite overwhelmed and feeling traumatized.

She stopped everything, looked at me, dead in the eyes and said:

Are you feeling underwater, do you feel like medication would help?

I was sort of taken aback, I think mostly by how close she was to my face, and the unblinking eye contact....but I said I don't think I am there yet.

She said things like: manage chronic illness and you are a menopausal woman 

If those weren't enough lovely gems from the visit she went on to tell me that she believes I have a secondary disease with my UC/Crohn's 

Hyperthyroidism.

She scheduled me for a bone density exam, I got a breast exam and then it was done.

I got dressed, got three shots and went to my car to cry, again!

I am spun...I am in a land I know, but all my markers are not familiar to me.

I go to all my appointments alone...I am not sure if a parent, lover or friend would have made this any better...but I know I am not okay.

In fact:

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

So here I am a leftover, emotional mess.

Not knowing which direction to turn first.

I did have a good start to the week. 

I am not going to leave this post without sharing good things too.

I met with a curator for the yearly exhibition I am thankful for being invited to for the last 13 years. 

I was juried into it once again, and over the moon about that.

If that wasn't enough, the best part was that I got to show some work in person to the gallery and I will be in another exhibition in March! 

I am scrambling to make a lot more work between now and then.

That was a good thing.

So in between battling some serious self doubt, creative blocks and just straight up sadness I made something of interest. Something unique.

Now, if I can only stop making new diseases for my body!

Myopic

 

I made the mistake of leaving this at the thrift store.

I thrift. I have been a thrift store shopper since High School. 

One of my recent goals is to not buy new clothes, but to thrift as much as I can. 

Fast Fashion/ Clothing is a large polluter so this seemed like an easy life shift.

I thrift shop for The Barren too, as he is in between sizes now and it is cheaper than buying new clothes.

He is cool enough about it.

I was going through the racks and came on this, I even stopped and took a photo of it, 

then put it back on the rack and continued my myopic search of particular sizes...

When I got home I did a quick search and then put my palm to head and just about cried.

this $8 shirt can get up to $200 on the used market!

I am finding that my sights are set to a myopic level as of late.

I am having a hard time seeing past the present, and although my meditation teacher would be glad to hear that, it is not really a good way to view a career or a way to set long term goals.

I am trying to set goals again, as I tend to respond well to them.

I have been rejected from EVERYTHING I have applied to this year...

the streak remains, and the most recent rejection hit hard...harder than I thought it would.

I have enrolled in remote classes to learn new techniques/processes 

and take free courses when and where I can.

I have signed up for free courses offered to artists to refine and update skills.

 My last two pursuits turned out to be much like a timeshare talk...

I lost a couple hours of time and was fed a sales pitch with pressure to buy into a program.

I was more disappointed in myself for not seeing it sooner:

The first was to "teach" you how to successfully apply to residencies. Artists residencies are spaces offered to make work uninterrupted, all require detailed applications and essays. 

The course was supposed to help you refine your documents and increase your chances of acceptance. 

The presenter, spoke slowly for an hour plus on how great all her residences were and what kind of perks, amenities and processes were involved. Some she paid large sums of money to attend and others were juried and she paid less for. 

The people attending were all rejected for all of the ones they had applied to and the lecturers words of advice was: keep applying, keep paying the application fees, and increase the number you are applying to.

I was beyond frustrated and I don't think I was the only one who felt cheated of the time.

The "low cost" ones recommended were a minimum of 3K at reduced rates, plus travel and art supply costs. 

Frustrated, I finally asked:

" being an artist with an inconsistent income, what advice do you have to applying as often as you are recommending?"

The response was: "don't apply to as many"

SIGH

My second attempt was an one hour talk about how to land more shows.

 An artist coach was leading the conversation. Pre-prepared lecture notes were sent ahead of the talk; and once logged in, I was greeted with a pre-recorded talk that ended up being a sales pitch

(see the actual screen shots above)

SIGH

I have had some success, as I took a couple photo classes via zoom and have had fun with the new techniques...but boy oh boy...the admin stuff have been total flops!

It has left me feeling quite defeated and sorry for myself.

Here I am trying to pull myself up from my bootstraps and I just feel fed to the lions of consumerism.

Mind you, I am trying to play in the deep end of the pool, and I am trying to update skills so that I am more consumable...

I was also supposed to be in an academic book about infertility, two of my artworks were selected, this has been in the works for over a year...and the authors are in the home stretch...and sent out forms from the publisher for all the contributors to sign. I read them over, and then had The Barren read them, and then a friend read them because....in them the publisher wanted all rights to the work for all eternity!

So I had to send a letter saying I needed to be removed from the upcoming publication, as I was not ready to hand over all my rights.

(it felt really horrible, especially after Roe v Wade)

My bestie was in town for a couple days, and it was nice to have tea with her before she returned home. We talked about everything including our aging parents. I told her how I feel pushed away by mine. My daily calls are now twice a week and they only talk about my brother when I call. I offer time and cooking and I am turned down. I told her how I've changed my tone, theme, and frequency of conversations...all in an effort to connect more, but nothing seems to work. So I am confused and hurt.

She understood and we both know that the moment anything goes amuck, we both just jump into gear to fix things...zero hesitation. In the meantime, her mother eats food that is mis-delivered to her home, and my parents have long talks with phone solicitors and send group texts of puppy photos.

So this little engine is feeling pretty low, and lost and sad.

But I am trying to see past that...ideally my myopic vision will turn into something else soon.

Until then, I'll just keep my eyes on the railroad line.

Another Year Ends

Merry Hanukah, Bright Solstice, Happy Christmas, Festive Kwanza

Art by: https://wolfskulljack.com/

Another year comes to an end...I have come back here multiple times to write about feeling, fears, hopes and sorrow. Many times simply staring at the blinking cursor. Other times spilling words easily onto this magic writing pad. All the times, knowing that there would be no judgement in what I came up with, mumbled about or struggled with.

I can not thank you all enough for that.

I feel like I am safe in this space, with expressing myself.

WHAT A GIFT THAT IS!!

I hope that whomever is reading this, feels the same, even for just a moment in time, as that can build to 5 minutes, than a half hour then a month, and a year.

You are magical and unique and so worth fighting for!

Happy of any holiday you acknowledge.

look at you shining so brightly

*

New stress different day

1st shot done!

Yes, I dressed for the event

I have spent the last two and a half weeks helping The Barren with his reaction to the first dose of the vaccine. The Barren gets an asthma response when he gets a chest cold, which is why we locked down so hard and for so long...well The Barren got his fist dose of the vaccine and 36hours later began to wheeze, it has spiraled since and he is currently on an inhaler, allergy medications and antibiotics to fight what is believed to be the beginning of pneumonia. 

(all these things have happened in the past when he has gotten chest colds, too many weekend walk in clinic experiences to count)

Yesterday he was wheezing so badly that we went to a walk in clinic because the wait to see his doctor was two weeks... he had to be seen in an outside room because it all looks like Covid-19 and we don't need to freak people out.

We live in a funky part of town, so while waiting in our outside room, we got to witness a near beatdown between two guys who had "looked at each other too long" and wanted to knock/knife the daylights out of each other. thankfully that didn't manifest.

The doctor yesterday explained that an anaphylaxis response is not uncommon for people with asthma and that his body probably reacted big to the first round and sent it all spinning.

Steroids were added to the menu of pills and the hope is that he will get breathing better in time for the second dose...which has been booked at a four week mark instead of the 3week mark.

The Barren is breathing better so far, thank goodness.

As you can imagine, the upcoming shot has us both on edge and wanting to be battle ready!

This morning I got my first dose of the vaccine, I got the Dolly Parton one.

Now all her songs are stuck in my head.

I dressed up for the shot, wearing a dress I wore the last time we went out in 2020. I also firmly believe that nothing can go wrong if you are wearing a purple piece of clothing. I use to have a pair of grape purple pants, I wore when I wanted to feel assured and strong. So I wore a grape purple dress and bright green sweater this morning...I felt present and brave.

The vaccine site looked like a set from M*A*S*H as it was an office building under renovations, so it was covered in plastic sheeting, bare cement floors and drywall partitions with folding chairs.

It was surreal to say the least.

Got my shot and appointment for the second dose.

I took my photo and then tried to not cry.

I have already taken a nap and I am famished.

I should be fully covered by my fathers birthday and I can finally hug them!!

Something I think is pretty emotional.

Parents are currently fully vaccinated and that has me breathing easier for them and realizing that my relationship has shifted once again.

I had gotten a call last week that my mother went to the clinic because her eye was BLEEDING! and she only went because my brother said it would be a good idea.

She hesitated and when my father sent a photo of her eye I nearly collapsed. I told my mother that she could loose vision and that she should really get an opinion other than her own...she blew me off and at that moment I pondered:

Were my parents always so defiant?

Was it time to step in or was it really time to step back?

I chose to step back.

My mother went to see an eye doctor the following day and they confirmed that nothing was damaged or injured (thank goddess) and that was that.

I waited for them to call me

my step back meant I was not going to call them anymore (at least I was going to try) 

and when they wanted to talk to me I would answer that call and do my best to not stir the pot.

It took three days for them to call me.

(Prior to the virus I spoke to my parents at least twice a day, now it is once every few days.)

This is a BIG adjustment for me; as I see them wanting to chat as acceptance and love. So when it is sluggish it means they are not thinking of me or love me.

It is sick, and insecurity is running the show but, a reality I am working with.

The reality of not being quarantined is a scary one, being around more than two people is scary.

The yoga studio sent out a poll asking if a pre-covid level class filled with fully vaccinated people was something of interest....

I made an appointment to get my hair cut after I am fully vaccinated, I have not been able to get it cut since August of 2019.

Then today the State announced that it plans to be fully open by June!

That scares me too...I am scared of people now it seems.

I am scared that life will mow this all over and forget about what is possible, 

I am scared that things will slingshot back to business as usual...and forget all that is important.

I am scared more often than I am confident.

I need to work on that too...

but, the idea of a thrift store visit is really exciting too and there are people there?!

 

Familiar Heaviness

**another quarantine ramble**

© The-Barreness.blogspot.com

So here we are in December...it has been a month since we said goodbye to our kitty and I still involuntarily check places he would be. I also have heard little sounds around the home at night and while I sit in the studio thinking, I hear him grooming himself in the chair behind me. 

Last night I swear the blankets had a cat on them as they were so heavy when I pulled them up to my chin.

A familiar heaviness.

Maybe that is it, there is a familiar heaviness in the days now.

The long weekend produced over 1600 new cases in my county, and I expect that number to rise even further as the days pass into the new year.

I spoke with the GI about my first colonoscopy and we agreed that me postposing it was safe and I was at a low risk group. The case numbers are climbing too high and I did not want to take medical people away from helping others that are in a much more dire situation than a routine colon screening. 

I am getting one, just not while the covid numbers are climbing.

The Barren and I had a mediocre Thanksgiving, we shopped for food and made different food and I tried a new recipe that ended up being long labored and came out quite boring! So that put me into quite an off mood. The Barren had a similar situation with his planned sides, and the bread didn't rise as it should have so we quietly ate a disappointing meal.

When my brother facetimed me the next day, he recounted a similar situation of making big efforts to make something special and it coming out super disappointing.

SUPER BUZZKILL

When I was cooling down from my mild temper tantrum, I mentioned to The Barren, 

Why is this different? We have been cooking from home since MARCH.

Making food and trying recipes for months....

Why do we think that thanksgiving is different?

We are thankful and present most days, and give to others every month...

Ugh, it was disappointing to watch others travel and visit others...

Tik Tok had families gathered and boasting that they were all infected...

I am so exhausted of the quarantine, 

and being a rule follower.

I am lonely, tired all the time

Pulling myself through daily chores and mediations.

My yoga studio found a loophole and has declared itself a "wellness center"

so they are now teaching indoor classes, and have reduced the park classes. 

So I fill my schedule with pre-recorded videos and go to the park two times a week to practice at 8 ft away in a mask nearby others.

The studio classes are full (10people per class) and filled with 20-30yr olds.

I am not the studios demographic.

It all makes me feel old and "responsible"

(a label I was given in my 20's and I have tried to fight it, but I am; I am responsible)

Thanksgiving weekend also got us to send our holiday cards out...

(responsible)

We had a portrait taken by a photographer I have admired for a decade, she does Ambrotype portraits and we did one for our 18th wedding anniversary and used it as our card this year.

I got a call from my parents last night that it had arrived and that it was "interesting"

which is coded language for " I don't like it"

sigh

I will leave this post of rambling about the mundane on a high note...

I dropped of my artwork to the gallery for the year end big event!

No reception this year, but a lot of buzz as always...

My piece sold in the first 2hours!!

I don't know who bought it, I will inquire later, but I am happy to have that pressure taken off my chest.

A sale means two things:

1. I have a new collector

2. I get invited back the next year to submit again !

Of the 11 years I have been invited I have sold work in 9 of them.

then when I thought that was my high of the day

I posted a drawing I did of a musician playing their instrument and tagged them on social media.

That musician not only commented on the work 

but BOUGHT a different piece of my art from my ETSY shop!!!

I have to admit, I did one heck of a happy dance.

so there was that too.

A roller coaster of emotions.

Much like the fluctuation in temperature from day to day.

Self care and reflection

 

So after a primal scream, deep scary toxic rage , a good long cry, and staying up to 3am to sit and process my feelings...I feel like I am on the other side of my grief from the loss of RBG. 

I am planning and acting.

I am slow on the uptake. Proof being that, today... I decided that I do not need to make political statements in every piece of art I make from here on out. I have nothing to prove to anyone. My actions are my own and I do not have to announce/make public what I do and contribute to make my actions more valid.

I think my shutting down my facebook has highlighted this for me....I spent several hours over a couple of days, manually deleting my history and photos and tags. My page is stripped down to simply my name and I have spent the last two days just taking down information from the things I still want to keep on my radar. Like art groups. My final post was about the loss of RBG and how if you are a woman or know a woman you need to vote and remove the assaulting racist xenophobe and his minions out of office.

I feel set afloat, and quite untethered.

Most recently, like so so many others, I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed and overtaxed emotionally and so in an act of self-care I am focusing my energies on what I hold closest in my heart and plan my actions accordingly.

I enjoy spending time giving, so I am continuing to do that.

I have stepped outside my comfort zone a few times now and it makes me feel better.

Still being sheltered, is getting harder and harder and I was listening to this neurologist on the radio and understood more about a quarantine brain. We need new experiences to allow us to form memories, being in the same place for days on end doesn't allow us to form new memories so it is important to do things that are out of norm; brush your teeth with you less dominate hand, approach a know act from a different direction. If you are driving this could simply mean taking new routes home. 

This adulting thing is becoming a super sucker of fun.

I made an appointment to have my yearly exam with my doctor, I wanted to make sure I would not miss a breast exam or a pap...as this might be harder to come by as we approach November. I have broken my appointments up into several days, to see if that helps reduce my white coat. 

Although...since making the annual appointment I have thought more about my weight than I have all year, and that is a direct reflection on my fear of hearing my doctor tell me I need to loose 5 more pounds to fit on her BMI chart. So maybe it is just my fear of disappointing her, how fucked is that!

I am constantly checking off a list of things in my mind, did I eat this than make sure to do that, make sure you are drinking enough water, not too much caffeine, take your vitamins, YOU FORGOT to take your vitamins, if you mix this with that it is wrong, you are wrong...you messed it up...she is going to tell you how wrong you did this or that...you need to still do this or that...

Anyone see "The Good Place" the above is quite similar to a rant on the show...I  actually got tearful when I realized it.

My dentist can wait - I don't need any guilt from them either.

Has anyone else felt this way about their doctors, post infertility treatments/care? It feels like I want all the other parts of me running without notice (perfectly) so that the drama or the fear of a doctor is abated....I must be nuts...doctors are there to fix, maybe they will always find something wrong regardless of the patients input of efforts?!

I know this entry is mixed up and upside down...so is everything else in this world!

invisible

I see colors when I close my eyes.

I first noticed it in meditation class and it was a wonderful illumination for me.

Ideas flow and colors are beacons of emotions.

No one else can see the colors I see when I close my eyes;

They are invisible to everyone else.

I had a massage last week and mentioned to the therapist that 

I see a particular color when she works on my back.

She made a comment on what a lovely color it was and 

mentioned that another one of her clients, sees gold when she has her feet massaged.

It unfazed her and I was validated and understood.

It was no surprise or a weirdness to her.
*sigh*

I am finding that invisibility seems to be a reoccurring theme as of late.
I feel unseen for the most part...able to pass through the day unnoticed, or forgotten.
When the feeling floods me, I tend to send out love notes to friends.
Either by text or actual cards in the mail.
I send notes of encouragement
notes of love
notes to simply tell a person they are held in high regard
notes of strength to act as floats;hoping to keep your head above water
I send notes that say Hi I am checking in on you

For the most part these are not really acknowledged.
Like my notes become invisible once I drop them into the postbox.

I continue to send them despite the lack of response.
I believe that no matter what, kindness matters.
I send them because I want to, not that I expect a response.
(but isn't it nice to know they found their person?)

The Barren keeps asking what I want to do to celebrate my upcoming birthday.
I turn 50 this year...
a number I am still baffled at, but a number that designates
how many times I have spun around that glorious ball of burning gas in the sky.

I come up empty each time he asks.
Shrinking from embarrassment.
As much as I know how much this frustrates him, I have no ideas.
He keeps asking if I want a party?
I would love a party...but
Honestly, the first thing that comes to mind is " who would come? "
I could invite all those people I send love notes to,
but I am really scared no one would show up.
It would simply highlight how untangled I am among the people I know.

We've thrown parties before where everyone who says they are coming,
 calls the day of the party and tells us they can't make it...
leaving us with a table full of food and us in our PJ's dazed as to what happened.

I continue to try and reach out to people I meet at the yoga studio or in life
but keep coming up "hot potato-ed"

I know this sounds like a pity party...but I am really struggling to crack this code.
What do you do for your birthday if you are without people you spend time with?

My bestie lives a days drive away, and we have hopes to meet somewhere
half-way this year for a weekend girl getaway.
(that is something to be excited about)

I want to help hubby
Maybe if we simply go to a park and set out a picnic,
and if no one shows it would still be a nice day in a park with snacks
and not hurt as much as it feels right now.

Does anyone out there feel invisible?

Duck and Cover

Hiding from the world

I work with a sibling, we've worked together for decades...

either at a family business or an outside business run by someone else.

Regardless, we are still siblings and so that dynamic is still very much in play.

Yesterday was a tough one....

we fall on different sides of the spectrum on many issues and we are both strong willed so conversations can get heated but always civil.

Yesterday they arrived and put their soap box down and stepped on about a half an hour after arriving. 

The difference is that I recently have been listening and not commenting back-

firearms was the first topic

then meat

then critiques about how I respond to situations.

When tensions are highest, is when the business is under stress from deadlines 

and family responsibilities outside the office.

Yesterday, I knew was going to be tough because we are understaffed and there are A LOT of orders due...so I usually brush it all off and most things don't stick.

yesterday was an entire 8 hour shift of things being flung at me.

Our parents visited during that time and even commented that the day seemed to be lobbing a lot at me verbally.

I smiled and did not engage still.

When it was time to go, I was TOTALLY spent from holding up my mask of calm.

I got into the car and drove the hour home in silence.

I came home and feed the cat and fell into bed (fully clothed) and burrowed myself under a blanket despite the 80 degree F weather.

I fell into a daze for an hour...mentally housecleaning.

letting things out...letting things go...pulling words and situations off and out of my skin.

I ate a comfort meal of miso and ramen noodles and went to bed.

This morning I was awakened by the cat throwing up 

(most animal companion caretakers can shoot out of bed from a deep sleep to these sounds) 

I decided that today I was going to skip yoga class and simply be kind to me.

My take away was how it made me feel.

I need to tell them that their words hurt me.

That those same words spoken at home would hurt

I adore my sibling...and often we are a great team 

but yesterday was wicked

Today my state (the whole damn state) is on power shutoff notice....

Autumn has arrived.

the poison oak is in bloom and the wind and fire watch is at extreme.

and apparently tempers as well.

If you have gotten this far...

thanks for listening to me

I think you are amazing and kind and good 

The Letter

"Yoga Goddess, 

I have debated reaching out...but felt it was important for you to know that you have a secret ally in your corner.

I am sorry life is sucking so very badly...

This is not the way you imagined....anything.

I can not imagine what you are going through, but I can empathize as we spent nearly a decade trying to build a family.

When we were trying there was not a lot of resources and still a lot of stigma.

I found this site very helpful for resources and knowledge:

she has organized everything (left side) under topics and it might help in some way.

https://www.stirrup-queens.com

Please forgive me if I have overstepped or made you feel like you haven't thought of this yourself.

I am happy to answer any questions you might have or 

help in anyway you might find you are in need of.

I continue to be a dedicated yogi, and friendly face in the crowd.

Smiles and hopes,

The Barreness "

I was haunted with words of advice for the owner of the studio I practice at when:

 she made the start of her IVF journey public knowledge. 

Then came the public spreadsheet of drug costs 

and 

then came the crowd funding page set up by a friend. 

I was going to tell her that pain does not equate your desire to be a mother.

That simply putting the desire out was enough 

but then I realized that she is most likely getting an earful...so I sent the email above.

She responded soon there after, kindly:

"Thank you so much Barreness this means a lot to me!

I’m proud of you for reaching out, and so happy you did. 

I will definitely check out the site you sent over. 

Love you tons!

Xoxo

Yoga Goddess"

At the end of the day I saw it as a call to action.

It was more important to reach out to a fellow woman in need than

sit and watch how this all unfolded...

Learning Curve

I am gonna be honest, it has been really hard these last two weeks.

Loosing such a massive presence in our home has shifted the vibrations.

I am missing my studio "manager"

in fact it was really hard to simply be in the workroom without him the first week.

We have awoken to sounds in the middle of the night, 

heard purrs, and felt a heavy weight of absence daily.

The Barren has broken down at work multiple times

I normally try and hold it together around him, so that he can feel safe to fall apart.

I fall apart in the shower, or on the drive home...

I skipped a lot of classes in the last two weeks and ate and did nothing but chores.

Being in class seemed to trigger waterfalls of thoughts of him, and I fought weeping loud horrible sobs. I also found that a lot of my grief came with guilt. I am not sure why, but at least I identified that and can work on figuring out why that is entwined. 

The in home senior cat is not crying for the other cat as much,  yowling at the front door and the bottom of the door like a " I am here, find me by my voice".

He is working on being in a space, any space he chooses; alone.

He is making strides and I am learning what he needs to feel secure and loved as he grieves.

I have struggled, as I do not have any friends locally.

I am social in class, and when running errands but no one to get a dinner with.

My bestie is hundreds of miles away and I have been texting her a lot.

She is good about that.

The curator sent a card, which was really amazingly sweet.

I tried to have a sit and chat with a couple of artists I know who were passing through town to see a lecture. One of them had just lost her pup 4 months ago and so she spoke of that a lot.

I really just wanted to feel less, and just socialize...but she needed to decompress still.

So I returned home, feeling tired and spent the rest of the day napping with the cat.

Today I woke up and said, 

lets try this again...

tomorrow will be two weeks and you need to start back on your life hike.

So I went to class and feed myself breakfast and got into the workroom and answered emails and figured out a project that needs to be done this weekend.

I am feeling a little less dark....

the senior cat is even sleeping in the chair in the workroom, 

something he hasn't done in months.

I guess we are both trying to get back into gear.

I dread the call from the vet to pick up the ashes...but I think in a way, it will feel like he is close again...at least his body. 

His spirit is clearly free and visiting us in our dreams and being seen from the corner of our sight.

Mostly I have just given myself space and time and been as kind as I could be with myself...

with cookies and avocado.