Meanwhile...

With very few exceptions (one farmers market run, one grocery store)  I have stayed indoors, 

at home since the 15th of March.

My yoga studio has been creating videos so that we can continue to practice at home.

I have been doing classes. I find that I get lazy at home and 

it makes home practice a true challenge for me, 

which is why my practice at a studio was so important.

I am doing classes daily, but they are different and I tend to not push myself.

I continue to be the go-getter for the home. 

The Barren is still employed thankfully, and our kitchen has become his office Monday-Friday.

His whole company went virtual on the 13th at 5pm...which is wonderful because they have offices all over the world. So every office community is now safer because of it.

My job has stopped, as has my income, which was a trickle to begin with...

I have items on EBAY, and Etsy but nothing has moved in a long time.

I am trying to not think about how I have no income

*stay calm*

I am quite emotional today for some reason.

Hubby thinks that the isolation is starting to get to me....

but the real thing that is starting to get to me is the expectations!

I am an artist that now has every hour of the day available to make work, 

meaningful work, important work...and lots of it!

I am not able to focus.

I have work in progress, but I seem unable to turn my attention to it.

All the shows my art was suppose to be in have been cancelled.

I have no venues to show my work in.

* breathing, thankful breathes, to be breathing *

I have two other artist women that text a couple times a week to report on all the work they are doing.

all the paintings they are working on and completing.

How it is like they are preparing for a solo show, work and ideas flowing like rivers!

I scanned a vintage photo from my collection and have drawn it 

over and over and painted it different each time, here are the first two.

I am trying but...I am not a painter

Meanwhile, I am carving little stamps and make hand-stamped postcards for people.

(until the postage I have here at home has run out)

Love bombs, that make me feel a little better imagining my niece getting a card she can color in the mail...or the great-grandma on lock-down getting a little love note from a stranger.

In an effort to escape from myself this morning, I watched YouTube videos of a random person walking through major museums...just to remember what it was like to walk those halls in my past.

I was weepy and wouldn't make eye contact with The Barren.

Favorite quarantine activity:

I have been feeding the snails on my patio and learned that: 

they do not like carrot greens but do love

lettuce, kale and my potted plants.

I hope that this miserable post finds you all healthy

beautifully sane

and maybe still a little hopeful

Pacing and Crying

So last week I woke up and said, I should get a few things in case this changes.

The Barren and I made a list and I headed out to the shop to get what we needed.

It was way way harder than that.

I arrived to a shop that has bulk bins, as we are trying to reduce packaging in our lives.

I was greeted by chaos, and empty shelves and dazed people.

Some were just trying to do their weekly shopping but the others were stock piling!

I stood in line and bought some of the items we were looking for.

I made a second stop at a health food store to pick up some of the other items then came home and took a nap. On waking up I headed to the traditional grocery store to see if there was any dried pasta or sauce...insanity there too, people buying frozen pizza and hungry man tv dinners.

I picked up some fresh produce and pasta....thankfully there were loads of pre-made vegan options available.

The Barren and I went to the Indian market on Saturday and got a bag or rice and lentils and spices.

the owner is a wonderful lady who was OVERWHELMED by people buying ALL the rice.

It is like something from a movie

I went to work (it is myself and my brother) on Sunday to avoid people. 

I asked him how and when were we educated on what to buy in case the world has a pandemic? 

I went out yesterday to get medicine for the cat and pick up eggs for The Barren...

no luck on the eggs.

I awoke from a panic attack this morning and face-timed my brother...

we were both in bed and he showed me my nephew putting together this lego set that he finally was able to get from Christmas (he had to earn it in no attitude and such)

I then called my parents in tears, telling them that if they make bad choices, and end up in the hospital I won't be able to see them.

My father has taken this all as a personal insult and it fighting all real logic with toxic positivity.

He heard my tears and made promises, the last time I did this was when he didn't tell anyone he was having chest pains for a couple days.

I think I screamed at him then ...

So this is the normal here.

Hubby and I are getting along ok, and he is working from the kitchen table and so his ability to walk away from work at the end of the day is harder now...

I hope this weekend we will have some change, maybe a walk outside.

Oh- we are suppose to go to Farmers Market on Saturday morning in hopes to get eggs.

and more fresh veggies.

I am trying to suppress my panic at not making any money right now

 and wondering how I might pay bills...

I don't have to get political to express my disappointment at not knowing what is going on.

Being frustrated that my town doesn't have enough test kits or swabs to test people with.

I keep hearing that our food supply is stable, but just got word from a neighbor who went out that there are empty shelves and no paper products to be had.

The Barren is flirting with a bidet attachment for the toilet now.

I am fine with that.

It feels like I was blindsided by this all...and the more I dip my toe into the news

the more horrible it is, and so so so sad.

This all feels like a movie

I am floating in this horrible movie that I never wanted to see.

I am scared and unsure what to do to make this upturned ship right itself.

I assume we all feel like this though 

and there is a sense of comfort in that too.

kind of

invisible

I see colors when I close my eyes.

I first noticed it in meditation class and it was a wonderful illumination for me.

Ideas flow and colors are beacons of emotions.

No one else can see the colors I see when I close my eyes;

They are invisible to everyone else.

I had a massage last week and mentioned to the therapist that 

I see a particular color when she works on my back.

She made a comment on what a lovely color it was and 

mentioned that another one of her clients, sees gold when she has her feet massaged.

It unfazed her and I was validated and understood.

It was no surprise or a weirdness to her.
*sigh*

I am finding that invisibility seems to be a reoccurring theme as of late.
I feel unseen for the most part...able to pass through the day unnoticed, or forgotten.
When the feeling floods me, I tend to send out love notes to friends.
Either by text or actual cards in the mail.
I send notes of encouragement
notes of love
notes to simply tell a person they are held in high regard
notes of strength to act as floats;hoping to keep your head above water
I send notes that say Hi I am checking in on you

For the most part these are not really acknowledged.
Like my notes become invisible once I drop them into the postbox.

I continue to send them despite the lack of response.
I believe that no matter what, kindness matters.
I send them because I want to, not that I expect a response.
(but isn't it nice to know they found their person?)

The Barren keeps asking what I want to do to celebrate my upcoming birthday.
I turn 50 this year...
a number I am still baffled at, but a number that designates
how many times I have spun around that glorious ball of burning gas in the sky.

I come up empty each time he asks.
Shrinking from embarrassment.
As much as I know how much this frustrates him, I have no ideas.
He keeps asking if I want a party?
I would love a party...but
Honestly, the first thing that comes to mind is " who would come? "
I could invite all those people I send love notes to,
but I am really scared no one would show up.
It would simply highlight how untangled I am among the people I know.

We've thrown parties before where everyone who says they are coming,
 calls the day of the party and tells us they can't make it...
leaving us with a table full of food and us in our PJ's dazed as to what happened.

I continue to try and reach out to people I meet at the yoga studio or in life
but keep coming up "hot potato-ed"

I know this sounds like a pity party...but I am really struggling to crack this code.
What do you do for your birthday if you are without people you spend time with?

My bestie lives a days drive away, and we have hopes to meet somewhere
half-way this year for a weekend girl getaway.
(that is something to be excited about)

I want to help hubby
Maybe if we simply go to a park and set out a picnic,
and if no one shows it would still be a nice day in a park with snacks
and not hurt as much as it feels right now.

Does anyone out there feel invisible?