Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Wordless Wednesday

I think things are really changing

Tuesday, February 18, 2014


I have finally landed.
I realize that I have no control as to when people leave this earth,
and what I can control or moderate is the way I process it.
It makes me quiet, fearful and very vulnerable.
This is what I have learned.
I have been working hard on focus.
Focus in life; within my work and inward.
I have skipped some yoga days, but still get to class three times a week at least.
This last week was my cycle and I skipped two days, but not from pain
but because my art required I not miss some deadlines.
It was liberating to be able to function well and almost ignore the fact that another
cycle has passed.

The Barren was invited to a baby shower for a co-worker, he declined but I whipped up a gift
for him to take into the office and deliver to the father to be.
It was easy and I felt no pain, anguish or sadness from sewing up a couple little things.
I was thankful for that.
The hardest part was writing a little note to a couple I didn't know.

Valentines day was a celebration of us.
We dressed up and I took The Barren out to a fancy dinner at a hip new eatery.
We drank, and ate and laughed and had a genuinely good time.
Including stopping at an ice cream parlor after dinner for a second dessert!
We have both reflected on that several times since.
I think it is topping our list for future weekends, something we are aiming for now.

I had to rewrite some artist documents this last week, update my descriptions about my work
and myself. It was very hard, so hard that I had to ask for help from my business group.
It was a slice of humble pie, as I realized I needed help and then that I had to ask for it.
It played out well, and in the end I was able to rewrite the documents without
loosing my voice, and yet still convey the level of professionalism I was aiming for.
Fingers crossed for some new GOOD changes this year.

I am taking it slowly, and methodically
feeding my heart, my mind and my body

Saturday, February 01, 2014

Shit is getting real....

crime: failed to return a cup of sugar
I am not quite sure what I am feeling these days:
In the last month, I have heard of two more women the same age as me
having double mastectomies
and this last week alone
a suicide of a high school art classmate
and today the death of a college classmate
(We had been on a study abroad trip together)
It has triggered a fear that I am not present enough in my life. in a moment to moment way.
I am constantly thinking about my own mortality;
fearful that my life will end at any moment.
I am scared
I am trying to feel all these feelings and not hide from them
but they are quite overwhelming
and big
and REAL
On the inside I feel like a person walking in tiny circles
hands clutched and curled into my cheast
fearful that someone will literally
rip my heart out of me.
On the outside I am trying to smile, keep my eyes open
and be calm...and imagine a soothing unhaunted slumber at days end.