Saturday, December 28, 2019

Middle Aged

While reading a book review, for "Why we can't sleep" that is set to come out soon, 
I was snacking on homemade cookies fresh outta the oven, 
during my:
"don't think too much about food; just eat what you want, 
visit friends, skip yoga and sleep in" 
holiday this week:

"In Why We Can’t Sleep, Calhoun opens up the cultural and political contexts of Gen X’s predicament and offers solutions for how to pull oneself out of the abyss—and keep the next generation of women from falling in. The result is reassuring, empowering, and essential reading for all middle-aged women, and anyone who hopes to understand them."

I looked up and said out loud....
I am not middle aged am I?!!

The words conjure up horrible visions of exhausted, 
frazzed people, 
crying and walking around in a sort of zombie state....
Related image

Thursday, December 19, 2019

Last moon cycle of the decade

I have had my final cycle in this was early and unremarkable.
 I am a full moon bleeder and thanks to my bestie for pointing it out, a gift from the Goddess!
I had a whole other perspective on it when she said that!
I like to mark time with connections and this December on the full moon I had my period for this last time this decade. that seemed magical or special in some way.
I had vivid dreams about lost loves and mazes...
I moved slowly through the air, and space.

I spent the beginning of November taking family photos for friends that wanted images in time for Christmas cards and kids graduation from school...four weekends of time...four different locations
two toddlers, two teenagers and four adults trying desperately to keep up appearances.
I had fun, but was exhausted
I in fact, was taking photos of the toddler with the name I had picked out for my never to be born baby...that was surreal to say their name so many times...but the more I said it, the less personal it felt. I could feel myself moving farther and farther away from the emotional connection to the name. For that I am thankful and proud 
that I am able to still grow in a healthy way around that hole of hope.

The Barren and I both got a violent stomach thing, that had us on what felt like deaths door...
but we stuck together and got better, 
and I really never want to make soup in the soup-pot I barfed into.
no matter how many times I bleach it.

I had a coffee date with my pelvic ultrasound tech; because although she has seen my vagina and we know each other in a vastly different way, we like each other and it seemed like a natural way to simply connect with another woman. I had a nice time and it was refreshing to have a coffee date and chat about trees and hobbies and giggle a little.

The final exhibition of the year has begun and the art was previewed online two days before the doors opened for the of my two pieces sold in the first two hours of the preview day! 
I am also the only person selected to have two pieces in the exhibition that is not represented by the gallery...and as thrilling as that is, it is also a lot of pressure to sell the two works and "earn my special place" in the that is a little bit of a mixed bag....
I was invited by the curator, to join a group of fellow women artists ahead of reception for a cocktail and it was amazing! I had such a lovely time, once again hearing funny stories of past loves and wild times. I felt like a grown ass woman and not someone that was coddled or tiptoed around.

One of my longest art friends and painter who is loved locally, attended the cocktail party but not the reception because she did not want to answer the " how are you" question over and over again. She was recovering from major surgery to remove a tumor that was found in her lung. She was diagnosed with lung cancer. (crazy healthy person, non smoker, total surprise) ..and kept it all quiet (continues to) and was kind enough to share it with me before the cocktail hour. She was concerned about ruining my night...I thanked her for trusting me with this and I was thankful that she shared it with me. Her closest painting partner was a train-wreck, wanting to fix and help but being held at arms I gave her extra hugs and smiles and told her that I was strong enough to carry whatever she needed.

It has been quite a mixed bag as the year winds out, 
I am mostly thankful with moments of darkness...
I am aware of mortality more often than any other time in my life so far.
I am massively in love with my husband...
thankful for my bestie, and family (even though they drive me nuts)

It is my favorite time of year, 
as I rise before the sun and come home as it is setting...
so I get to enjoy the magic of those moments of life.

I was sent this photo the other day....

that brick wall is the wall, that will display three of my large artworks in the new (still to open) hotel
it gave me a little thrill...
and hope that I might be able to do that again!
I hope that you all find a moment of hope, maybe even just for that day
or dream of a whole life with more hope and freedom from sadness
I wish cold nights lead to magical dreams and sweet slumber that soothes your soul
The Barreness