Winter

The month is rolling by quickly...and I am thankful that I have survived the thanksgiving holiday event.

The Barren and I went on a road-trip for a week to visit family. We started what we knew was going to be a challenging week with an over night at my besties. They fortified us with laughter and smiles to carry in our pocket before heading into the eye of the storm. That was a highlight for me. 

The motivation for me was to focus and make sure The Barren got time with his father, even though the reason we were gathering was for my BIL who has stage four cancer and is currently on drug trials and under medical care.

The setting was not ideal, you see, he, his wife and their teenagers (nephews) are also some of the many people who voted for the orange IDIOT and is proud about it. He had stated in the past that he was never offended by the confederate flag, or the nazi symbols. Feels women are here to serve men, and that his god is the only god.

So as you can image I was quite conflicted about my feelings; wanting to be compassionate as they are living in a cancer world but also red hot rage at what they believe and live in. I was fearful and upset about being asked to sit at a table with him and his wife and teenage son. I used to have actual nightmares as a teen about nazis breaking down my door and the idea of sitting at a table with them was A LOT to try and digest. So in my typical lemons to lemonade thinking...I turned love towards my hubby as I knew he wanted to see his father and Aunt, as he fears that this might be one of the last times to visit with them. We made a point to try and spend as much time as possible with them. Hubby was able to play music with him and simply take in all that his father is. 

It was punctuated with some bittersweet reminders, as our MIL is quite a handful of needs and is almost completely overtaken with Autism, ADHD and mental health struggles. She is chronically late and was towing two dogs with her. One of which could barely use its back legs and was often left for hours and hours alone. Making for accidents in the rental house...and heartbreak to witness. It took her three hours to pick a wine from Trader Joes while the rest of us sat waiting for her to arrive to a pre-thanksgiving evening. Finally canceling dinner together.

When we all gathered for the meal, my MIL was already multiple hours late, I was so anxious, I found myself masking like a champ! My current food situations made this food centric "holiday" even more challenging for me. Everyone was asking questions and I wanted to evaporate. At one point I walked up to my SIL and whispered in her ear to "please stop asking about what I can or can't eat, the constant questions make me very anxious about food" She stopped and I was left alone by her for the most part.

I manifested a bit of Shosanna from Inglourious Basterds and hid behind my camera and took photos and did not make eye contact with my BIL. When asked questions directly, I avoided eye contact. 

I was a swirl of emotions and feelings and by the end of the night, I got in the car with my hubby and shut down completely. We left before dawn the next morning, spending the first few hours in silence. Not completely sure how we felt about anything. When I got home I cried and told The Barren that I wasn't brave enough. I should have stood on the table and condemned their racist, sexist actions. I was a fool to my ancestors and was just really disappointed in myself.

I haven't spoken to my SIL or BIL since thanksgiving night and don't expect to hear anything from them unless they want something. Which is how they normally are. 

I have been out of sorts since, but have been actively working on getting back into my stream.

Do you ever feel a whole body shift? Like you need to purge everything you have been doing to start anew? Maybe that is what I am feeling...

Maybe I am about to wrap myself up and become something else.

I got a space at a community garden, I am spending time there, sticking my fingers into the dirt and feeling the wetness on my skin. I am overwhelmed by the number of shifts that have taken place this year. My parents, my health, The Barrens stress, the responsibilities of home and animal companions, trying to make time for time with other people and myself....

I think I need a nap, maybe I am a bear and need to hibernate and awake in the spring hungry and hopeful again.

Another Year Ends

Merry Hanukah, Bright Solstice, Happy Christmas, Festive Kwanza

Art by: https://wolfskulljack.com/

Another year comes to an end...I have come back here multiple times to write about feeling, fears, hopes and sorrow. Many times simply staring at the blinking cursor. Other times spilling words easily onto this magic writing pad. All the times, knowing that there would be no judgement in what I came up with, mumbled about or struggled with.

I can not thank you all enough for that.

I feel like I am safe in this space, with expressing myself.

WHAT A GIFT THAT IS!!

I hope that whomever is reading this, feels the same, even for just a moment in time, as that can build to 5 minutes, than a half hour then a month, and a year.

You are magical and unique and so worth fighting for!

Happy of any holiday you acknowledge.

look at you shining so brightly

*

Last moon cycle of the decade

I have had my final cycle in this decade...it was early and unremarkable.

 I am a full moon bleeder and thanks to my bestie for pointing it out, a gift from the Goddess!

I had a whole other perspective on it when she said that!

I like to mark time with connections and this December on the full moon I had my period for this last time this decade. that seemed magical or special in some way.

I had vivid dreams about lost loves and mazes...

I moved slowly through the air, and space.

I spent the beginning of November taking family photos for friends that wanted images in time for Christmas cards and kids graduation from school...four weekends of time...four different locations

two toddlers, two teenagers and four adults trying desperately to keep up appearances.

I had fun, but was exhausted

I in fact, was taking photos of the toddler with the name I had picked out for my never to be born baby...that was surreal to say their name so many times...but the more I said it, the less personal it felt. I could feel myself moving farther and farther away from the emotional connection to the name. For that I am thankful and proud 

that I am able to still grow in a healthy way around that hole of hope.

The Barren and I both got a violent stomach thing, that had us on what felt like deaths door...

but we stuck together and got better, 

and I really never want to make soup in the soup-pot I barfed into.

no matter how many times I bleach it.

I had a coffee date with my pelvic ultrasound tech; because although she has seen my vagina and we know each other in a vastly different way, we like each other and it seemed like a natural way to simply connect with another woman. I had a nice time and it was refreshing to have a coffee date and chat about trees and hobbies and giggle a little.

The final exhibition of the year has begun and the art was previewed online two days before the doors opened for the reception...one of my two pieces sold in the first two hours of the preview day! 

I am also the only person selected to have two pieces in the exhibition that is not represented by the gallery...and as thrilling as that is, it is also a lot of pressure to sell the two works and "earn my special place" in the show....so that is a little bit of a mixed bag....

I was invited by the curator, to join a group of fellow women artists ahead of reception for a cocktail and it was amazing! I had such a lovely time, once again hearing funny stories of past loves and wild times. I felt like a grown ass woman and not someone that was coddled or tiptoed around.

One of my longest art friends and painter who is loved locally, attended the cocktail party but not the reception because she did not want to answer the " how are you" question over and over again. She was recovering from major surgery to remove a tumor that was found in her lung. She was diagnosed with lung cancer. (crazy healthy person, non smoker, total surprise) ..and kept it all quiet (continues to) and was kind enough to share it with me before the cocktail hour. She was concerned about ruining my night...I thanked her for trusting me with this and I was thankful that she shared it with me. Her closest painting partner was a train-wreck, wanting to fix and help but being held at arms distance...so I gave her extra hugs and smiles and told her that I was strong enough to carry whatever she needed.

It has been quite a mixed bag as the year winds out, 

I am mostly thankful with moments of darkness...

I am aware of mortality more often than any other time in my life so far.

I am massively in love with my husband...

thankful for my bestie, and family (even though they drive me nuts)

It is my favorite time of year, 

as I rise before the sun and come home as it is setting...

so I get to enjoy the magic of those moments of life.

I was sent this photo the other day....

that brick wall is the wall, that will display three of my large artworks in the new (still to open) hotel

it gave me a little thrill...

and hope that I might be able to do that again!

*****

I hope that you all find a moment of hope, maybe even just for that day

or dream of a whole life with more hope and freedom from sadness

I wish cold nights lead to magical dreams and sweet slumber that soothes your soul

xo

The Barreness

Silence in between

I have been quiet again.

I had my HUGE annual art opening and this year I kept telling The Barren that something felt different. He told me that I was anxious each year, and that I was simply feeling that.

It turns out, that my work has yet to sell.

For the last 6years it has sold either before the show opened, or at opening night.

This year it is still hanging on the wall, unsold.

This pretty much CRUSHED my fragile and small sense of self.

I have carried this in my heart like a heavy stone.

I focused on the holidays, but after throwing up Hanukkah...

 I got a cold...it was a new years eve gift I guess...

It had me out of both society and yoga and 

The Barren told me I was acting like a grumpy 14 year old.

I will own that.

I don't like being sick...I don't like my freedom of motion infringed on

in any level; 

whether it is a runny nose or a sore muscle or a cough that won't let me sleep, 

or a car that is out for the afternoon getting an oil change....

I am bossy and grumpy that way.

It seems the cold has finally hit the road and I am getting back into my groove.

While on "holiday" I tried to work on my relationship with food.

I have one, going vegan has made me look at food differently,

not that I had an issue before but now there is a lot of guilt 

associated with food that was not there before.

Over the holiday, I worked on loosing the grip on my restrictions.

I had crackers

I had "ice cream"

I had cake

I ate bread

I ate chips

Now looking at this list I think, oh gosh look at all that bad food.

The food isn't bad, my relationship with it is.

I repeated a mantra I use when I am faced with being "decadent" 

and thinking about how long it will take to make up for the decision.

exercise is not punishment for what I ate, it is a celebration of what my body can do.

I used kinder words with my self talk and simply said, you need a break.

You are doing nothing wrong eating something different here and there.

Now all the "holiday" food is out of the house 

and I am eating dates to combat my sweet tooth

 and drinking green tea to kick the caffeine to the curb.

Things are clearing in my head, I also realize that:

I am still reeling from this election and each day, the USA seems darker and scarier.

I am trying to manage this too...

I am not watching news anymore, listening to NPR for a short time daily.

I only watch movies

FLEABAG on Netflix was fun...and dark

I am sitting in the studio a lot, staring at the wall...but I am showing up.

I am an artist, my job is to make art.

I am back at my 3-4 times a week of practice...

which is really my mental health appointment with myself.

I am excited about the Women's March in 8 days...

The Barren and I are going because we need to go!

I am trying to figure out what I want our signs to say.

Mostly I am trying to find how I fit into this new crazed place.

It may appear that I am sitting in silence, but I am really planning and plotting.

I have never been one to be quiet in the face of something that is bothering me.

It has caused problems before, but now...

My parents joked that they will put some money aside to "bail me out of jail"

I have no intention of getting myself arrested

but my voice will not be silent.

I threw up Hanukkah

Homemade jelly filled donuts

(vegan)

recipe here

I've been off of sorts since the election.

I am not going to get political today...

but I have been overwhelmed with emotions and feelings and anger at times.

Yoga has been a saving grace for me...and the classes have been packed since the election,

I am not alone in trying to find some solace of mental health.

I am eating clean and so when Hanukkah came around this year I offered to make dinner here for my parents and The Barren offered to make dessert.

We had a lovely visit and watched my parents act like bickering siblings...over food, and facts and whatever else came along.

I made latkes and we had veggies and some meat (well The Barren and my father did)

then dessert!

I am not a donuts person, and so when they were made I offered to be the jelly filler 

and powder sugar cover-er. 

Important roles and one I enjoyed a lot!

I sat down and ate two! they were yummy and my lips were coated in white!

It was great and the sugar surged through me and I was moving faster and faster and we chatted some more and then my parents called it a night and headed home.

I sat on the couch while the dishwasher ran the first load of dishes and fell asleep.

When I woke up with a start a half and hour later...I ran to the bathroom and threw up Hanukkah.

Too much...

oil, sugar and too much

It was a vast reminder that I have eaten really clean for a long time 

and fried food is not something I can really deal with....anymore.

I gotta figure out a new latke recipe that I can bake or adjust 

sigh

Now that Christmas has past, 

ideally those crazy tear jerking commercials will fade away for another year.

I don't have to think about how many baby photos will come in the mail and how many family pics will fill our mantle.

I greeted each one this year with a smile and took in all the joy conveyed in the images...

but knew something was different at our place.

And as I brainstorm about what kind of new years card we will send out...I often find myself thinking

" what will show them that we are really happy, even without kids"

I know it is messed up, and a bit like a keeping up with the Jones' kind of thing.

But it is true....

I don't want to throw up any more celebration

I just want to keep it real

Mementos of a weekend

Our first Sedar

I made it through! 

We made all the food in time, and was able to stuff the bellies of my parents with yummy food that was different and delicious.

The Barren made it home in time to cook the meat and fire up the BBQ for the fish and bones.

We worked together and made it happen.

My mother was beyond touched that I wanted her to do NOTHING but sit and enjoy a hot meal, 

my father got super emotional stating that he was deeply touched that The Barren embraced the rituals from day one with not an ounce of hesitation or question.

It was an emotional dinner

My table was set with dishes that we only use every once in a blue moon, because I love them so much, and we are like bears in the kitchen and break so many things. The candlesticks belonged to my great grandmother. They remind me of the Minoan snake goddess, and that makes me love them even more.  The tablecloth and napkins belonged to my grandmother, complete with stains from meals past. The matzo cover belonged to The Barrens grandmother, I am pretty sure it was not designed to be a matzo cover, but it is now and I am sure she is happy about it. The crocheted doilies were made by an adopted grandmother in Slovakia, as a wedding gift to us. 

It felt like I was calling all these loved ladies to the table to eat with us.

Have a hot Passover meal, put your feet up and let me spoil you.

And to all a good night

Thank you everyone for your lovely notes for The Barren....he was most touched.

Sometimes this is a TALL order,
but worth aiming for over and over again.

It has been a whirlwind of changes and stress and work, which is why I have been MIA from this beautiful wonderful place of love and personal growth.

I referred to it as my mourning dress,
as my relationship with ice cream has forever changed

To start with I made it through my gallery shows and this year for the big Warhol-ian event I wore this lovely number, along side new gallery shoes that didn't make my feet hurt at all...strait out of the box even! I sold work for the 5th year in a row...which in itself was a personal goal I gladly met.

I had a funny thing happen to me that has happened every time I met someone of noteworthy status...It gets interrupted or goes amok at that exact moment of introduction. 

Like the universe thinks, nope she doesn't really need to meet this person.

It has happened when I was introducing myself to this personal idol, that I had see give a talk. She actually walked away while I was shaking her hand and introducing myself to her...I finished my introduction by yelling my name across the crowded gallery to her....it was mortifying and I left in a pool of tears...vowing to never mention her name again. 

That was over 10 years ago...clearly I am making slow steps back to saying her name.

It happened again when I worked at a bookstore and I walked up to ask this person if he needed help or had any questions about inventory...except no actual words came out of my mouth instead it was a lovely line of gibberish that made him smirk and I walked away mortified.

Alas, it happened at this last event, except I laughed when I realized what was happening...

As a friend was introducing me to this person, and my hand was extended someone next me put two hands on my arm and physically pushed me out of the way....in such a way that when the friend and person turned back towards me (after motioning to my work on the gallery wall) I had literally disappeared into the sea of people in the gallery...swallowed up. 

I am trying to figure out what the universe is trying to tell me...or if I am just really bad at introductions and I purposefully stumble. 

I'll get back to you on that.

As for changes, The Barren and myself took the week of turkey to turn our whole house upside down!  The motivation started with me having a severe night terror that woke The Barren because I was screaming that someone was at the end of the bed...in his half awaken state he started thrashing and because I can not see without my glasses it made me even more frightened as I was waking and we were both screaming and hitting the air until we were both awake enough to realize nothing was there. None the less it made us think...we need to change shit around and get rid of this. So we burned sage, and hex remover (yep The Barren picked up a jar of the stuff when he was in 

Memphis) We had made a huge list of things we wanted to do in the house and felt that it was monumental to try and do half of the things...turns out we did almost all of them!

It started with repairing the garbage disposal, and then getting rid of a bunch of furniture, and then hacking some ikea stuff and making it into other things and then getting rid of clothes and extra things that we just never thought too much about.

I got rid of childhood things and came to realize that many of the things I was holding onto were for the invisible child we can't share it with...it was a hard real reality but I came to the understanding calmly and consoled myself by say "there is some other child that would love this, I am going to give it to them"

The end result is that our home feels totally different....like a new place.

It doesn't feel sad anymore.

I guess I didn't realize that it felt sad in our house...

in the absence I became aware of the presence.

Now as we slide into the holidays...we are working strait on through them. I have to work on xmas eve and the day after xmas as does The Barren. We have decorated the house and got a little 2ft tree that we placed little resin birds and straw ornaments I got in eastern Europe a decade ago.

We have our menorahs out as well as a Krampus and some Buddhas for good measure.

It feels festive and today a new couch arrived...another on our huge list of things to make us happier.

As the night comes to you, know that I am wishing you a wonderful holiday

I send hugs and love to each of you and wish you a serene, and divine celebration.

xoxox

The Barreness

Wednesday....whining

 

mad DJ skillz kitteh

 

I needed a distraction from my building ulcer....

I ordered some dresses for a little weekend getaway last week

 and my package did not arrive on Monday as it should have but instead is

still hanging out on the WRONG SIDE of the country!!

 

I am a little frustrated....OK a lot frustrated!

first world problem I know

 

My yoga class was PACKED this am, all the college students are getting in the last workout before heading home for the holiday....so new hairdo's, talk of departure dates and work breaks were all the air was filled with in the locker room.

 

Meanwhile my pretty dresses are stuck in the wrong postal office!

ugh

 

Back to what you are doing...I am just bitching for no real good reason

 

Winter has arrived...well kind of

I live in a place that is almost always the same temperature.
Some find this heavenly, most people from places that have to
shovel themselves out of their homes once a year
or baton down the hatches from wind.
We live in a homeostatic environment. ho hum mm....
I find it really hard to ever really feel like life is passing
 as there are no visual signs of time changing or moving....

sunny and mild, for the next 360days
 

This last weekend things changed!

We had a whole night of "rain" and then grey skies for half the day...
followed by the last two days of COLD

it has gotten to, ready....30 at night!
 

This all happened in the course of two days...
and it doesn't appear that it will rain again for a while...
so our draught continues.
 

These last few days feels like winter,
I was shivering the other night...
I woke up twice now looking for a light dusting of snow...on the foothills.
No dice yet

My mother suggested I spray our patio with water to maybe make a mini ice rink!

it didn't work...sigh

 

So I have to focus on other parts of life,
wishing for a season is not going so well.
 

Last week I went to the end of the year big art event.
It was just as amazing, in fact I am not sure I have totally processed
all of what happened and how far I have come in this last year.

My work sold in the first hour!
There were TV people there
I wore a cool retro dress
My hair looked controlled
(vain)
I was present in conversations
It was packed and people said kind things about my work
I met new artists, and talked about the struggle to make art daily
It was a strange and reassuring time as an artist
I felt relevant

After the exhibit closed its doors, I walked with The Barren in the cold night to dinner.
We found a tavern that was not full, and waited for our table
When it was time to go to our table I took three steps and placed my foot in just the right way
as to land on my arse in the middle of a busy dining room!
Purse behind me, dress displayed like I was seated for a picnic, legs folded side saddle.
Mortified, I took an assessment of myself and got up...brushed myself off and went to our table.
The Barren got me a glass of wine, assured me that it was all fine and we had dinner.
I took tip toed steps past my point of impact when I needed to venture to the toilet..
the adults at the tables concealed their snickers mostly...

Yoga the next morning made all the aches and pains go away.

As "winter" settles in I feel less like hibernating and more like bursting out of my cocoon!
Like a confused flower bulb

I am not afraid to fall, I know I can get up again
I am bubbling with ideas
I am ready to greet this new year!
Winter is not frozen in me; it is alive and cool and vibrant!
I am currently composing my goals list of next year...

Chilling

 

I wanted to check in with you

I am doing well, in fact I really feel like things are changing for real!

Today I am relaxing and collecting thoughts

I will be back soon

 

Have a peaceful weekend

be kind to yourself



What now...

Firstly, thank you Stirrup Queens for mentioning my most recent post

(hearts and hugs and love to you)

thank you also to those who have arrived here because of her words

you too are AWESOME!

xoxoxxo

******

 

I was pretty spent once Monday rolled around.

What I neglected to mention was that the weekend prior to Mother's Day I went and got a box of 10 blank cards (in case I decided at the last minute to change my mind and not do this project, I could still use the cards for "real life"), in addition I also got a couple specially selected Mother's day cards for women in my life, my mother and a woman who was about to celebrate mother's day for the first time after 10years of struggling with IF.

I sat down the week before and hand wrote messages in each of them.

I took breaks, but sat there and thought about each woman and found myself imagining what her day would possibly be like. Sounds, smells, and sights.
I am sure I infused a bit of my own fantasies, but hell it was my project I can do what I want.

Yep, even mailed one to that SIL

 

I mailed them off on the Thursday before M.D.

and patted myself on the back,

thinking I might have taken the first step onto a new path.

One that had me beginning this new hope for a self that is more then infertility.
( I am a cautious hoper, I am sure many of us are now)

 

What ended up happening was that I couldn't stop thinking about those cards...
first I wondered if anyone got them
then I wondered if it meant anything to them
then I wondered why they didn't mention to me that they got a card from me
then I got depressed thinking I had spent energy trying to make myself evolve
and instead all I did was push myself back.

Was it worth it, I mean did I do it for the right reasons?
The jury is still out on that one.

In reflection:
Much like my NIAW writing, I am thinking that Mother's Day needs to be reduced in my mind, to something closer to Labor day; a holiday, but no one really knows what to do with it.
For me Mother's day will never be what I though it would be,
but I don't need to take it away from others.

So I am onto other more pressing items on my to-do list.
Step One: decide which direction to head

 

Love to you all

 

I have my spiked cider and gingerbread in hand...toasting you all and wishing you a sweet and intoxicating holiday.

May the road be less bumpy from here.

xoxoxox

Thankful Thursday

It is thankful Thursday again and I am feeling good and thankful and still serene

...but maybe a little tired.

 

My Brother (I forgot his title, I think I called him the Earl) has a "Mayan calendar countdown clock" on his desktop here at work and every time he is at his desk he announces how many more hours until the end of the world.

If he has calculated right, it will be sometime around 2 or 3 am, so I will be with who I want to be with for the end of time....if it happens.

For that I am thankful.

 

We had three "earthquakes" here this morning...being a native to earthquake land, I went into drop and cover mode without a thought and waited for the earth to continue to shake...it didn't...

and then the news agency released an

" official statement" from the U.S. Geological Survey telling the local  News the shaking and boom seems to have been caused by a "sonic signal not an earthquake." He continued to say that the object is most likely an aircraft heading north and that preliminary reports show it reaching 2,000-plus miles per hour.

Then three military helicopters flew over the area and then

Shortly there after, there was a statement from the Local Air Force Base stating there were F-22's doing things along the coast.

The conspiracy theory's are all over the place right now...

I am thankful I am heading home soon...and away from the crazies.

 

but a little concerned that there will be a whale washing ashore soon or a pod of dolphin showing up somewhere wrong because of these "signals" *sigh*

 

I decorated the house last weekend, we have a tree that smells yummy and is covered with handmade ornaments. The twinkle lights are up and the holiday picture cards are coming in...little faces amongst images of my aging friends.

 It doesn't seem to hurt so much looking at those families...this year...

I am thankful for my quiet home, my obsessive cats that demand time from us

and space to relax on our laps.

I am thankful for the ability to make our own chaos and make bad food choices

I am thankful to sleep in late and spoil other peoples children

I am thankful to have a little extra coin to give to others and make cookies for neighbors

I am thankful for The Barren, loving me to uniquely and deeply.

 

I am thankful this Thursday

So if tomorrow is the end of the world, I am glad I had this place and time.

If not, The Barren owes his college roommate $20

 

 





Wordless Wednesday

camera phone images from last weekends AMAZING opening night

I will write more about it later:

 

Marquee wall
(one piece can be seen in the square black frame)

view of second piece from the crowd
(I marked it with a little red dot, as it sold shortly after the show opened)

opposite side of the gallery...packed as well

people pointing at my work

view of the waning crowd after two and a half hours
(camera shot overhead)

 



Winter

This western girl is happy that there has been rain recently.

My daydreams have me thinking about Paris and how magical winter can be in places

where there are seasons:

 

Holiday Cheer

picture from: photospapersfromthepast.blogspot.com

It is that time of year!

Waiting in long lines to buy groceries, snide comments from customer service people, rude people driving cars, temper tantrums, and holiday music looped in an endless cycle on speakers of shops.

I do love this time of year, but it also carries the daily reminders of a family not made.

So I was sitting watching my company-keeper(TV) last night. I was watching "how I met your mother" and one of the characters finds out she was not only not-pregnant (pregnancy scare, in a woman who says thru the series that she doesn't want kids) but that she CAN'T have kids. 

This information has her sliding into an abyss of reality of a life faced without children. 

Her doctor asks if she can talk to a friend about it, but she knows how they all will react. Currently her best friend is pregnant and would be an emotional mess and needing comfort instead of comforting. That friends hubby would shower her with questions and possible fixes. then the remaining friends would try and fix her sadness with comfort food or hi jinks. So instead, when pushed by them to find out what is wrong, she says she is too tall to be a pole vaulter. He friends of course, all break into her described reactions.

She is telling this story to what appears to be her future kids, but in the end, they are actually imaginary. 

She is left sitting on a bench in a park on Christmas crying at the fact that her choice has been taken from her. That although she never saw kids in her future, it was a choice she was making not one that was made for her.

She ends her monologue with although she was never a mother, she was:

a successful journalist, world traveler, business woman and aunt.

Telling the audience that she indeed was still a whole person even without being a mother.

It was a well played/written reality of our sisterhood.

I personally have been meandering around a lot of this everyday emotion. 

The Barreness is knocking at the door into me as of late; she is dead set to get in...she might even shimmy open a window if need be. I am trying to hold her back with wit and a sunny disposition. 

I don't know how long it will hold....

I have made a new friend and she is now pregnant, I am thrilled for her (deeply and truly) but now can barely contact her anymore. 

I have another friend who just picked up the ashes of her son, a man the same age as me, who lost his battle to addiction.

I have another friend who just had to have a hysterectomy because of the same issues I live with. 

I have another who has now gone into early menopause because her ovaries shut down and has lost her sex drive completely!

I watch my hubby struggle daily with witnessing others parent. He often looks at me when his eyes are welled up with tears. Like the mere sight of me will make the tears go away.

We met family last week, a trip that meant us driving 1300miles in
four days. It was a lot of driving and a little visiting. 

We did this last year too...we have promised each other that next year we are staying put. 

Because we are a family of two, we are often looked over, invited last, told we can drive farther, and expected to be overly flexible because we don't "have to deal with kids".... *sigh*

it hurts too much to ignore any longer.

There has been a lot of wonderful happening too...

but for today I needed to unload the heavy emotion I have been bathing in.

I am feeling very very mortal and it scares me.

Independence Day

Happy Independence Day

May some day soon all us infertiles be free

from

sadness

pain and hopelessness

Surviving

Santa at the mall

I have been quite moody as of late.

I have been having panic attacks, and sleeping poorly.

I have been dreaming of bugs, and roller skates and babies and waterfalls and all of them have me searching.

I am exhausted when I awake.

I have found myself overwhelmed by the simply things in life, like deciding what to eat for dinner.

I need a break, but I am trying to find a time when that can happen.

I tried to see Santa at the mall with my father; it is a new tradition that we have started. Being a Jewish kid, we were really never part of the magic that is Santa, and my father and mother simply fed us what they were taught too. Now my dad and I try to have a picture taken with Santa, I have told him that it simply means we believe in magic, nothing more nothing less.

He called me and asked if I wanted to go I was delighted by the idea, blinded by what I might encounter.

My parents arrived and we headed to see the bearded man, there was a LONG line filled with babies, toddlers and mothers. I looked at my dad and said " I don't think my management skills are gonna cover me" he looked at me, my mother looked at me...I stood there for a moment longer, assessing the crowd again...and feeling the primal need to run, run away fast and hard....I swallowed hard and said again " I can not do this right now" totally heartbroken.

We left the line and I was shaken to the core.

We walked and really said nothing much more, I found myself apologizing.

Asking for forgiveness for my weakness.

I really wanted to feel the magic, I really wanted that photo with my father, his act of rebellion against all that he was taught. I couldn't have it this year.

As strong as I thought I was, I found myself just as weak.

I did manage to fight back tears, and not cry in front of them.

I am still not sure why I choose to not cry, I am always crying in public places...

but not this time.

Christmas came and went and the new year is around the corner.

We still need to make our holiday cards...