Muddled and Conflicted

 The Barren and I are conflicted and muddled in our mix of feelings and emotions about the passing of our brother in law.

He passed under hospice care with his wife, mother and children in attendance.

He died on the 10th after a 7 year journey with cancer, drug trials, medical interventions and the power of prayer. He was deeply tied to his church and a christian fundamentalist. He coached local football and was on the board of the adventist school his children attended and his wife teaches at. He was a big guy, big voice, big personality. We first were introduced to him at a birthday celebration for my FIL where he got fall down drunk and landed in the bushes apologizing over and over for making a bad first impression. He was always offering help with some thing or another. He was well educated and held a MBA & MS Psychology.

I wrote about our "November Trip" to spend time around the table together. We saw him once more last year when he attended the wedding of his mother in law, that The Barren performed. He offered to perform the service, but was turned down by my MIL because she didn't want any religion in it. 

He was in pain and we barely shared a word with each other while I photographed the family, and had a meal at the same table once again. There was another family thanksgiving this year, but we opted to not attend and stayed home instead.

When word came from my MIL that he had entered hospice, we were not surprised but conflicted in our feelings. He was a father to our nephews who we are not close to because their parents chose to not allow it, as we were not "good people", meaning we were not christians. 

(so we thought about the boys, and The Barrens sister)

Over the years, we were fine to reach out to if something was needed, like a schoold donation, christmas gifts or graduation gifts. I left a social media platform because he stated that the confederate flag was not offensive to him, nor was a nazi flag as they were just symbols. He was deeply "american" in that his country came before everyones and should be respected, but had no problem teaching his children that women were here to serve men. He continued to support the rapist in charge of the usa and made sure his family voted the same*...which gave then all great joy. He was a person who was one way with family and another with the world he interacted with. He was a people pleaser and performative around family. 

*the kids are in college

So we sat conflicted with our feelings about his death. Then word traveled around family that The Barrens sister was having a small service and so we assumed it would be the church and her and the kids. We were fine with that. We were outsiders and that made complete sense.

Then I got a text saying "it would mean a lot if we could come."

We have rented a car, and a hotel room and are doing an 800mile round trip in two days to attend. We are even shuttling back our new FIL, as our MIL plans to stay for a longer than he would like. 

The posts are now all over social media and I don't think this will be a small service any longer.

How do you deal with the death of a nazi sympathizer in the family?

Short term: We give. We continue to give and give as that is what makes sense to us. Kindness and love.

I chose to make a donation in his name to a foundation that coaches kids in underserved areas, focusing on girls. “Girls” refers to gender-expansive youth (cis girls, trans girls, non-binary youth, gender non-conforming youth, gender queer youth and any girl-identified youth).

There is also a Gofund me style page set up as well, and The Barren has already said he plans on donating funds to his sister. He even plans on bringing a guitar to one of the nephews who expressed interest in playing. 

Needless to say, we remain conflicted with our feelings, and are muddling our way through.

Time after time

 ICE is in my town

I can hear the helicopters daily

My neighbors are all on edge, and terrorized.

There are trucks chasing down people, ripping them from their families at school drop offs or at work places. They come in unmarked cars, with people spilling out of them some in uniforms, some not. 

They are terrorizing the local farms, greenhouses and field workers. My area grows strawberries, celery, broccoli, avocados that not only feed our county, but the state and the nation.

I am forever wounded from what I have seen broadcast across community protection live-streams, help your neighbor, film what you see, encourage them to be silent and not allow entry.

One of my senators was handcuffed for trying to ask a question yesterday.

I am immunocompromised and exhausted, but today I am printing postcards that will be addressed and handed out at the protest tomorrow, in hopes to get more people to contact their representatives; write their rage to the white house and supreme court.

These most recent days have re-awakened a level of generational trauma I didn't know I carried.

I have planted food, I have touched earth, I have sat in contemplation and I am so deeply enraged.

I will not make excuses or ask for forgiveness for it.

I am shouting and screaming and fighting in any way I can.

My neighbors deserve better, children deserve better, the world deserves better.

Winter

The month is rolling by quickly...and I am thankful that I have survived the thanksgiving holiday event.

The Barren and I went on a road-trip for a week to visit family. We started what we knew was going to be a challenging week with an over night at my besties. They fortified us with laughter and smiles to carry in our pocket before heading into the eye of the storm. That was a highlight for me. 

The motivation for me was to focus and make sure The Barren got time with his father, even though the reason we were gathering was for my BIL who has stage four cancer and is currently on drug trials and under medical care.

The setting was not ideal, you see, he, his wife and their teenagers (nephews) are also some of the many people who voted for the orange IDIOT and is proud about it. He had stated in the past that he was never offended by the confederate flag, or the nazi symbols. Feels women are here to serve men, and that his god is the only god.

So as you can image I was quite conflicted about my feelings; wanting to be compassionate as they are living in a cancer world but also red hot rage at what they believe and live in. I was fearful and upset about being asked to sit at a table with him and his wife and teenage son. I used to have actual nightmares as a teen about nazis breaking down my door and the idea of sitting at a table with them was A LOT to try and digest. So in my typical lemons to lemonade thinking...I turned love towards my hubby as I knew he wanted to see his father and Aunt, as he fears that this might be one of the last times to visit with them. We made a point to try and spend as much time as possible with them. Hubby was able to play music with him and simply take in all that his father is. 

It was punctuated with some bittersweet reminders, as our MIL is quite a handful of needs and is almost completely overtaken with Autism, ADHD and mental health struggles. She is chronically late and was towing two dogs with her. One of which could barely use its back legs and was often left for hours and hours alone. Making for accidents in the rental house...and heartbreak to witness. It took her three hours to pick a wine from Trader Joes while the rest of us sat waiting for her to arrive to a pre-thanksgiving evening. Finally canceling dinner together.

When we all gathered for the meal, my MIL was already multiple hours late, I was so anxious, I found myself masking like a champ! My current food situations made this food centric "holiday" even more challenging for me. Everyone was asking questions and I wanted to evaporate. At one point I walked up to my SIL and whispered in her ear to "please stop asking about what I can or can't eat, the constant questions make me very anxious about food" She stopped and I was left alone by her for the most part.

I manifested a bit of Shosanna from Inglourious Basterds and hid behind my camera and took photos and did not make eye contact with my BIL. When asked questions directly, I avoided eye contact. 

I was a swirl of emotions and feelings and by the end of the night, I got in the car with my hubby and shut down completely. We left before dawn the next morning, spending the first few hours in silence. Not completely sure how we felt about anything. When I got home I cried and told The Barren that I wasn't brave enough. I should have stood on the table and condemned their racist, sexist actions. I was a fool to my ancestors and was just really disappointed in myself.

I haven't spoken to my SIL or BIL since thanksgiving night and don't expect to hear anything from them unless they want something. Which is how they normally are. 

I have been out of sorts since, but have been actively working on getting back into my stream.

Do you ever feel a whole body shift? Like you need to purge everything you have been doing to start anew? Maybe that is what I am feeling...

Maybe I am about to wrap myself up and become something else.

I got a space at a community garden, I am spending time there, sticking my fingers into the dirt and feeling the wetness on my skin. I am overwhelmed by the number of shifts that have taken place this year. My parents, my health, The Barrens stress, the responsibilities of home and animal companions, trying to make time for time with other people and myself....

I think I need a nap, maybe I am a bear and need to hibernate and awake in the spring hungry and hopeful again.

...deep fear

 I didn't sleep much last night.

When I closed my eyes I had visions of dodging cannon balls and trying to stay afloat in a disney park ride. I tried to self soothe overnight, saying things will look different in the morning...this is all going to be better...my techniques did not work.

I awoke to a literal nightmare...55% of Women and 40% of men nationwide voted for the MOST QUALIFIED candidate historically. My county is far more republican, racist, sexist and stupid than I knew and although everyone I know voted for Kamala, it didn't do anything except break millions of hearts.

I was in tears for hours and then decided to get dressed and leave the house for a few moments and do an adult task in a nearby town. As I was driving home I got an emergency alert on my phone: 

EVACUATION ORDER: YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD IS NOW UNDER AN EVACUATION ORDER DUE TO A FAST MOVING BRUSH FIRE. PLEASE EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY

I was only two miles from home and raced the rest of the way, grabbed a few things, corralled the cats into a bathroom and texted my neighbor asking if she got the same text...she lives 50feet from us and she did not, nor had any other neighbor a few blocks from me, 

I was convinced it was a cruel action on the part of the universe. Hubby came home after hearing my voice rattled and filled with fear, breaking under the constant pressure and stress. He came home and said in a calm voice, take this and lets pack a few things. I took the offered half xanax and have been packing things into my car calmly and the cats are hiding in the same room as me as I write this.

The last evacuation I was awoken from sleep and told to leave now, and we only had the clothes on our backs, our cats and laptops. It was a mess and now the sky has fire colors and thick smoke and the fire bombers are due to arrive in the morning…until then I am getting live updates about its movement as the night passes. I finally ate something only because I knew it was needed for brain activity. I am beyond heartbroken, broken and so so mad. I am not looking forward to the trip to visit family, as the person we are traveling for is a Christian fundamentalist who is celebrating today. And I am struggling to find any empathy/ sympathy or a crumb of kindness towards the family who all feel this was a golden move. The Barren told me to try and think of them as brainwashed…he is not looking forward to it either but I guess in a way to honor Kamala, when they go low we go high, right?!? Well, it isn’t working yet…and I am nowhere near close to okay about anything.

I vote 2024 as the most painful, horrible no good year. 

Keeping Score

The Barren has been isolating in our bedroom-bathroom combo since Sunday last week. We are wearing masks indoors and sleeping in them. I am on the opposite side of our 1000 sqft home with the cats and the kitchen and access to the patio. I have been washing my hands so much that the skin between my fingers has cracked open. I have raw spots on the tops of my ears from the straps of the KF94 masks, 

Wednesday The Barren started to feel less overwhelmed with Covid symptoms and was in a cheery mood. Then around 7 pm he said he didn't feel well. It slide quickly and extremely into him screaming in agony. He sat in that pain for four hours before I said, that is it we are going to the ER. 

We ended up going twice in less than 12 hours. The first was blood, urine and a CT scan. The second was blood and an Ultrasound and more effective non-narcotic drugs.*

If you are keeping score, that is COVID, and 2 ER visits, 1 hour of sleep in 36 hours and no food. When we returned home, the Barren went to sleep and I slowly fed myself and sat outside while the sun began to set and dissociated. So that was one WEEK! 

He remains COVID positive and I remain COVID negative.  He is quite blue today, which completely makes sense and I am trying hard to keep a stoic face and the mood floating. Suggesting silly conversation topics and encouraging a micro masked walk, which ended in him being winded, but glad for the time outside the house.

I can honestly say I see how it was for him all these years. Witnessing me in pain, from endo and my own gut issues. I feel the same helplessness, and the fear of being too far away in case I am needed at a moments notice. I think it unlocked a new level of our relationship. When I was suffering, I was only really able to view it from my vantage point, seeing how he stood by and supported me with gentle touch and his presence. I am not even able to touch him, I sat outside his room pacing as he was screaming in pain asking quietly, where it hurt and coaching him to breathe. It is was ridiculous. 

I rubbed his back in the ER, and sat beside him in the isolation room the second time. I watched how the doctors treated him and advocated where I could. It has been exhausting and I really have nothing left in me. I think my mallet head for my whack-a-mole fell off and rolled down the street. I am too tired to find it. I am feeling broken and sad. I try to think of this as an opportunity to remake the situation. Blossom like a phoenix or some other stupid cliché...but really all that matters is him and his health. 

On Wednesday night, just as his pain began I got a text that my dear friend went into surgery to remove her kidney as it had developed a concerning lesion. Thank the goddesses, she made it out without complications. Now she waits for those new organs.

As I sat in the sun this morning sending a text to my mediation teacher that I would be missing class and why, I thanked her for her guidance in teaching me ways to calm my mind in stressful situations, mantras for healing not only myself but anyone who needs healing. She replied a reminder to take it one breathe at a time and that we possess the weapons of patience and peace.

* his diagnosis is an inflamed gall bladder with small stones

Stupid & Contagious

***Below I ramble, mostly because it felt like a conversation with someone other than myself, 

in my head. I talk about race, isolation and frustration***

I am thankful that we are all healthy and bored, let's just start there.

I visited my parents home two weeks ago to deliver food and sit in the back yard with them.

mom working the "invisible man" vibe

I walked through a side outside gate, and met them in their backyard.
It is still very foreign to still not hug them or touch them.

They gave me my birthday present from April.

We sat, made small that and then had heated discussions about race and climate and how things are never going to be like they remember them again.

We talked about the grief that surrounds that and how they are or are not dealing with it.

My father nibbled on the cookies I brought, as he rolled his eyes at me, and told me how he wanted me to act. Make no ripples, stay below the radar.

My car and the sign that made him "freak out"

My car was the reason for most of his outbursts, and me telling them that a Hell's Angel pulled up next to me and gave me a side eye at a traffic light.

Later that same day, a group of those same "angels" drove into a crowd of peaceful demonstrators narrowly avoiding children that were in attendance.

I have another sign in the other back window that says: "No Justice/ No Peace"

I have left them in my windows since our parade attendance for the local BLM rally.

I was able to calm him down and simply say, we both want to be good people, doing what is right.

I can not be silent when so so so so much is wrong.

I would not be able to sit with myself by being silent.

These are the kind of conversations that are happening all over now.

The state I love in and the country I reside in is upside down.

We are " stupid and contagious" (to quote Kurt Cobain)

We had another 550+ cases over the weekend, just in my county!

I have made and given out over 200 masks personally...

I don't know what else to do?!

I spend my days trying to make art, when I am not sewing masks.

I do all the house work and run all the errands, as The Barren* has become more and more concerned about leaving the house for ANYTHING.

I do yoga daily virtually and often times the teacher, 

and anyone who has their camera turned on for class, 

are the only other people I see that day.

I am terribly lonely, even with another person in the house. 

(whom I love and I am thankful we are together though this...but we are both becoming more and more fragile from the isolation)

I have been staying away from the news, as every time I dip my toe into that swamp, it is far more infested with the most horrible things, that I can't really comprehend what has happened.

People talk less to each other when out at the shops.

Neighbors talk less to each other.

The beaches are crowded, the streets are full of tourists.

We are doomed to be in this home forever at this rate.

As a rule follower, I am saddened by nobody else doing the work.

I wake up each day, with a bright disposition, hopeful that I will make something lovely or moving.

Hopeful that there will be different news from this current world.

It is harder and takes serious focus to carry myself through the sludge of energy pulling me away from that brightness and hope.

My bestie and I had a facetime call the other day, we both were feeling very heavy in the heart.

it helped to see each others face, and talk real talk and admit that we are both feeling all the feels!

An old boyfriend reached out to me the other day too, 

just to see how I was, it made me feel so very loved.

It sparked a long chain of emails reflecting on the things we miss, and how it sucks.

** The Barren is currently enrolled in a songwriting class and is finding great joy from that. His mood is vastly improved when he finishes each class. He has been writing and I now find him researching music theory and deep in word thought.

Twisted

I have been keeping up with my home yoga practice.

Many days it is like pulling myself through taffy, other days it is total joy.

This practice is healthy for me, as things are upside down in my country.

I am ashamed, angry, heartbroken and yet still hopeful.

I have begun a re-education of myself and some days it feels as though 

I am studying for a huge exam. 

I am learning to understand where and how my white privilege has benefited me.

I am understanding how many of my brothers and sisters have been denied opportunities and treated differently because of the color of their skin.

I am not talking about simple understanding; I am trying to understand the depth that white supremacy has taken a hold and been a part of culture here in the US.

The scary stuff, the hard stuff....the deep understanding of what I don't see and why.

Example one:

I am a hippy kid, a child that was raised in a multicultural neighborhood.

I had friends from all backgrounds and my mother made a point that we 

be "color blind".

I realize that was a mistake now, that by not seeing the beautiful color of my friends, 

I overlooked/ did not acknowledge, the beauty of their skin and missed out on their cultures.

I am looking into my fears and prejudices and trying to understand where they come from and if they are from trauma or outside influences.

It is hard work, but I know the hard work needs to be done to make big changes.

For myself, my relationships and our future.

I was exhausted and was watching Former President Obama speak in a town hall. When he came on the screen, I felt my whole body relax....like the safety of a familiar friend had arrived.

Then, I listened to Dr. Bernice A. King speak and say:

" don't be afraid to make mistakes"

I am feeling the responsibility of the world,

a frantic need to understand everything from everything all at once...

these words made me feel a little better.

In my readings I have discovered so many beautiful wonderful non-profits.

Amazing artists, beautiful poets and writers.

Activists and support systems.

It has been a supreme enlightening, like turning a page in a story and discovering so many new treasures just around the corner.

Even on my meager income, I am thrilled to become a donor to a number of groups.

We are attending a peaceful protest rally tomorrow.

I am looking forward to it.

Masks, glasses and social distancing in place.

We are starting with "parading" which is driving around the protesters with signs of support..
then if it appears safe for us to join the crowd*...we will.

*There are new cases and deaths from the virus every day in my town. Two weeks ago my city was one of the first in our state to open up patio dining, beaches and parks... and so floods of people from larger cities descended into our little beach town....ignoring many precautions.

I am working on so many things right now mentally.

I am trying to be an artist and create things,
but have found that the pressure for an artistic response about:
 the virus 

the Black Lives Movement

the isolation

the loneliness

has made creating impossible for me.
During meditation the other day I came to understand that...

I don't think I have processed it all or enough yet to create a response yet.

I am recalling Elizabeth Gilbert's Ted Talk about the "Elusive Creative Genius"
and taking heart in it.

So I am starting back at square one and beginning my walk again.

What is important to me

What brings me joy

what do I love to do?!

I am ready to twist myself into whatever shape I am suppose to be.

You are a wreck

So I went to the endo doctor....

I had The Barren come with me, well, because it was a male doctor and as sexist as that sounds often times when I have visited a male doctor they talk down to me unless The Barren is present.

It sucks and is sad, but true.

So I brought back-up

Also, I had MASSIVE white coat and I wanted a second set of ears to hear what my brain dropped with its high screeching sound.

I was sweating and anxious and although my clots had stopped on Monday, I was still spotting.

The doctor came into the exam room like a cowboy on a bulldozer.

Sat down in front of me with my folder and said:

"You are peri-menopausal.

that is why you are bleeding like this."

"We've met before, but you were asleep" (creepy)

He assisted on my ovarian cystectomy and stage four endo confirmation.

" yep, you are total mess, everything is just all mucked up in there."

He was trying to make light of things I think...but it came across a little like a used car salesman

He told me that when I got tired of bleeding I should consider a D&C or Uterine Ablation or both.

But first, 

" We need to do an endometrial biopsy, to confirm that you don't have uterine cancer. I don't think you do, but it is important to confirm that.

I have my nurse practitioners do them because I don't like to hurt people and they hurt. Because I have never had any children, my cervical opening is small or totally closed and they might not be able to do the biopsy, so if that is the case then they would do it with a D&C""

I saw The Barren go pale when the doctor described the process 

and I think I left my body at that moment.

He suggested that I double up on my BC pill to up the hormone and if it works then we can switch to another pill and just take them back to back.

Oh, and you can only take the pill until you are 50 so you only have a little bit of time left on that.

then you are considered Menopausal and you shouldn't be on the pill anymore.

I told him I was most afraid of having to have a hysterectomy and he told me that he had ZERO desire to do one, that he doesn't even have it on the list of options....unless needed.like uterine cancer.

That was a relief among the land mines.

He also said that caffeine or alcohol are not triggers for endo and that I should be drinking champagne whenever I want and enjoying my cup of tea in the morning.

I left the office with a biopsy appointment, with a nurse practitioner that was versed in the procedure of difficult subjects, and the lady at the front desk said she would ask if a should take some kind of medicine ahead of the procedure to help make it easier for us both...but it wasn't an anti-anxiety drug.

I left the appointment feeling like I had been run over by a mack truck!

I was dizzy and shaking and confused and so very sad.

I spoke to a pharmacist yesterday that confirmed that doubling up on the BC pill was a good option and if the spotting stopped then get a new prescription with that dose and take three 28 day packs back to back. 28 day packs have a wider range of dosages of hormone than the 91day generics I take.

I started last night and aside from some nausea this morning, I feel pretty alright and the spotting seems to be stopping too! 

I did yoga yesterday and today...that helped A LOT.

I am scared of the biopsy, but keep trying to focus on it being a 10-15 minute 

procedure and that the pain will be temporary.

The Barren is taking me to and from the appointment that day.

I am so done with this bullshit

I am done with doctors

I am done with the sadness

I am done with painful procedures

I am done with feeling so overwhelmed

but something somewhere in me won't let me totally give up and give in

I still have some dim flame of hope that this will be it, the last of it for a long spell 

Mouth guard

shirt credit

With the combination of the election and the fire and mudslide

I was fitted with a mouth guard that I wear at night

because I am grinding my teeth at night.

So badly, I chipped a tooth.

I have been wearing it every night, but have made a point 

as of late, to wear it even more 

religiously.

I am furious, I can feel it in every bone and oozing from every pore.

I have never been so ashamed to be an american.

The amount of sexism, racism, xenophobia, and blatant hate is inexcusable!

The government in place is a total embarrassment.

The old white men have had too much power and all this bullshit

has carried over into what might be a liar elected into the SCOTUS.

I watched Dr. Ford give her testimony, and I watched Brett cry and scream his.

I watched too much....

I have since turned off the news 100%

I vote and thankfully am in a state where my representatives feel the same way I do about 

Brett and women'r rights, health and immigration and take the time to answer the phones when I call in and thank them for supporting or voting against things that are brought up. 

I have had emails answered and these women do not run away from their constituents

they listen and respond.

Like responsible representatives.

That being said

after watching Dr.Ford, I experienced for the first time a true whole body trigger.

I remembered my assaults with great details.

I told The Barren for the first time, in our 26 years together, 

about the first one when I was about 8 years old.

Only my parents and my therapist(who was treating my grief from infertility) know about it, 

and they never mention it.

My father told me( at 8 years old) after hearing and seeing who did it that 

" I had an active imagination, and that this never happened"

So I buried it deep

Angry and confused as to why he chose to not believe me

I also told The Barren about another one that happened 

when I was a teenager, that no one knew about...

except me and the people involved.

He was deeply shook, and super supportive about being brave enough to tell him.

He knows about my sexual harassment incidents

 from workplaces that have happened since...

Dr.Ford made me remember

She made me strong enough to share my story 

she reminded me that these situations are not me, I am stronger and bigger than them.

They are nothing to be ashamed of

and nothing I did and nothing I need to carry responsibility for 

I think I will keep wearing my pride 

and wearing my mouth guard until this world is turned right side up again.

the future is female

Echos and debris

****Trigger Warning****
Miscarriage

photo credit


"internal echos and debris in the uterus"

The ultrasound tech told me that she thought it looked like I had a molar pregnancy.

I didn't know what this was and had to look it up.
There was nothing there now...

I still had blood and tissue in my endometrial lining and 

I should expect to keep spotting until my body either absorbs or expels the rest.

She use to be a midwife overseas, and specialized in high risk pregnancy

When the call came from the doctors office came 

 I was emotionally stable to listen to what they had to say.

which was: 

We don't see anything

one of your fibroids grew a millimeter

If something changes call us

The techs theory made sense to me and I am sticking with that one.

Since then, trying to resume a normal brainwave has been a struggle.

I got results from the doctor on the 23rd of last week and as the week rounded out my urethra

started to hurt/burn. So my Saturday morning I was in the walk in clinic.

I waited a good hour for the pee test, and then another half an our to be "seen"

The nurse that took me in took my vitals and asked questions.

No expression on her face.

She had me sit on the exam table behind a big curtain that she drew around me.

I sat there for another 15 minutes staring at the curtain and shaking, 

only hearing the nurse and doctor type on keyboards.

Then at one point I heard the doctor say my name, and the nurse whisper

She recently had a miscarriage...

At that point from behind the curtain I hear the doctor start to ask the question 

"how far along were you"

and appear from behind the curtain.

I told him early, I didn't even know I was, until I wasn't.

I am I still spotting.

He then said why are you here?

I told him my urethra hurt, not my bladder and I was concerned I might have the beginning of a UTI 

I had taken that urinary pain reliever stuff and aside from some minor relief it didn't do much.

He told me that my pee showed blood,  which makes sense if I am still spotting
but that there were no white blood cells...

blood is an irritant and if I hadn't been sexually active recently, that is the most likely culprit.

Did I have any back pain? I said yes

Then he took a single finger, and barely touched me

to point out to me the kidney area of my back.

Saying kidney issues are on one side only....bilateral pain it muscle.

He then swooped behind the curtain and told me he is calling in a prescription for an antibiotic to cover our bases and will culture my urine in case something didn't show on the dipstick test...

and then that was it.

No hello, so medical questions

just some pee and a finger touch

I left feeling totally numb

The Barren was with me this time and we ate something and picked up the drugs
and I went home and crawled into bed and slept for two hours.

Ideally this is the last of the complications

I can not emotionally take anything else thrown at me.

Brain Vomit

Prom 1986- nope

This was a look for an art get together...I realized afterwards that I looked ready for prom...

or jr prom or sadie hawkins dance or something like that

I am dating myself now....

I have found myself in a slump or sadness

I am not sure which one yet.

I am taking care of myself and working and doing my practice 5 times a week, which I know is connected to my mental health and my ability to sort shit out.

It has become painfully obvious the lack of friends nearby to chat with or have a cuppa caffeine with.

I thought I was making progress at the studio, but being summer, people take off for vacations and often take a while to return to their practice. So I just keep going and looking like a dork or teacher stalker...by taking their classes at the same time every week....I like ritual okay

I also am taking a sound therapy class, which helps me see and sort out art ideas.

It seems super granola, and hippie kid but for me it works.

I see colors and can think through ideas while I sit still for an hour and the teacher simply makes all sorts of sounds....simple but for me effective!

I hit my 5 year milestone as a vegan and yoga practicier

that seems strange too...

I am stronger than I have ever been, and although I will never be a string bean I am happy and thankful for what this Stage 4 Endo body CAN do.

I am often screaming in my head when a back bend happens or some level of flexibility is achieved. The teachers say to let go of ego and not focus on what you can or can not do...but DAMN I can do stuff I never thought I'd be able to, and someday in the future I will be able to do EVEN MORE than I imagined or dreamt. I am keeping that part of my ego and shaky self confidence.

Okay I am rambling....

brain vomit, sorry.

I have been thinking about all the new babies about to enter this world and it doesn't make me bitter or really sad...in fact, I have noticed that I have made a clearly defined line for myself about what I will and will not participate in. Moderate how I react to the sight of a pregnant woman and or a newborn. 

I do still want to hold a baby...but not in front of people so that will not happen....

Yeah I would like to hold your baby but not while you watch or around any of you....shhahhahah

If that doesn't sound dastardly I don't know what does.

I am staying away from news....there is a lot of troll talk about not feeling anything about whats happening unless you are a mom or a parent or a breastfeeder...

Mind you, I am still engaged and writing letters of protest and all that responsibility, but not watching the stories unfold anymore...I would eventually like to not wear my bite-plate to bed!

The world around us here in the states seems to have become a disconnected hose with the water on full blast and just flaying about spraying everyone down and not giving two shits. I am working on managing anger and trying to not get exhausted from the constant need to speed dial my senators and congress people encouraging them to continue to act sane and speak up.

Empathy, sympathy and common sense is something to fight for, daily

There are a lot of people being killed for no reason

a lot of people in pain

a lot of suffering

a lot of hurt

I am reminded that simple things are beautiful and that how I choose to react matters and can teach others, even when you think no one is watching.

I am making choices every day to act kindly, speak kindly, and think kind words in my self talk.

I am also eating more vegan sweets and napping

....that seems to be helping too 💙

Pet Peeve AKA Rant

Okay, I have to admit, as time passes I have found that I have a new pet peeve.

I can not stand when people post on social media how proud and excited they are

 that their children are actualizing and becoming small humans.

Example:

So excited little child has pooped in the potty

So excited little child slept for three hours

So excited only threw up twice today

so excited ate food

Ugh!!!

you don't need to report that your child is acting like any other human 

wow, not only did you procreate but now you are surprised 

that your little human are now acting like a little human

UGH!!!

Day 24-The End

91% containment

Nothing will make you feel like more of an adult than dealing with an insurance adjuster. 

The saga has ended now...no more fire helicopters or sirens.

This transition has left me feeling like

I tripped and landed hard into this new reality, suddenly it is all over.

It felt similar when we realized that parenthood was not in our future or lives.

It was a bumpy transition and left me grumpy and relieved and confused.

We have a home, for that I am deeply grateful...and confused still as to how or why our home was spared...but it is time to remove the plastic from all the doors and windows.

The air purifiers are still running, I think now as a security blanket for us.

I finally put the items away that we had taken after coming back on the day after evacuation.

The forgotten precious things:

My wedding ring, a family painting from the 1800's...a photo of our wedding.

This whole process has been scary, humbling and enlightening.  

the hillside across the street as we were evacuating, left and right side obscured by trees
(taken while driving away from our home)

across the street-two days ago

Not only have we been dealing with constant fire and evacuation dreams (I figure this is happening because I was woken from slumber when we got the call to leave immediately)

but The Barren has gotten chest illnesses.

The Barren has been to the walk-in clinic two weekends in a row after since the fire started.

The first visit confirmed walking pneumonia and the second confirmed a secondary bronchial irritation from the smoke and particulates.

We had both been coughing and got stuffy noses after we left...and have been wearing particle masks by day three, but that was not enough to protect us from the constant rain of ash, dust and smoke...

so much smoke.

Now we are to adjust to this new reality.

700 homes lost in our town

so many people have been touched by this fire.

Everyone has a story of the night they had to leave.

I am most touched by the stories that keep coming to light, the good in this town...

the stuff that makes you cry from being so deeply touched in the heart:

* A call went out from a family who lost their home, that they wanted to bring their dog home from the animal evacuation shelter but the fence in the home they were staying in was a little wonky and they didn't have a hammer to fix it. There was someone at their door within ten minutes.

* The fact that donations and volunteers were asked to be halted as there was too much! They had all they could use and then some.

* The firefighters asking to stop giving them food and donations, they had too much

* The local man who didn't know what to do, so he made sifters for people who lost their homes...to help them find precious items that survived

My favorite quote from a local evacuation site for livestock: 

" Don't let that emu out, he is a real asshole and super hard to catch "

Everyone has been gentle with everyone...I see more hugging and listening.

I am finally able to get back to my practice too.

I found that not only had the stress taken a toll on me mentally, but physically.

I was not able to practice as the air quality was horrible for breathing 

and unsafe for teachers to get to the studio.

I was also unable to travel to the town to practice because of the fire activity.

I missed my quiet community of toe touchers.

Home practice is not the same, at least for me...

So here I am trying to adjust, working on readjusting...feeling quiet still

and watching The Barren like a hawk.

I think I will peel a window open today....I am feeling hopeful.

Boring Thankful Thursday

Once again it has been a while since I have felt compelled to write here...I read your blogs and comment when I am moved to....but I haven't felt the need to blog here. 

I am not sure why.

Distractions...that is what I will blame it on.

I have been battling a sour stomach for months now

...and I finally got tired of taking antacids and waking in the middle of the night from burning pain and so I went to the doctor.

She pushed here and there, asked what I was eating and I listed my boring list of food.

I listed my boring list of vitamins and supplements and she nodded.

I was not eating any "trigger food"

I was simply suffering all the effects of gastritis but there were tests that could be done.

So I did them,

including a long ultrasound session to examine my internal organs.

As the ultrasound technician moved the paddle slathered in ultrasound jelly over my belly...

she gave me the scenic view complete with narrative.

 (I love this about her, she lets you know, without telling you, what she sees and doesn't see)

She showed me half my heart, I waved and said "hello heart".

Then on to the big guns: my liver and gall bladder and kidneys

She made comments like, boy these are boring nothing interesting here...

see if you had a fatty liver they would be different colors...

and these veins are hard to find when healthy...where are they?!

She made me giggle, even though I was so hungry and my stomach acid was almost unbearable.

All the results came in that I didn't have a super scary bacteria that causes ulcers and stomach cancers, and I had healthy organs.

All signs pointed back to gastritis.

I have since, reduced/eliminated my facebook time, and news time and social activism time.

I am stressed out...I am overwhelmed

I am feeling all of the responsibility of everything and for everyone...

I needed to step back.

I am blind in many ways...and it is because I need to take care of me.

It is not ideal, but I am finding that it is really important....so I grudgingly have submitted to it.

Ignorance is not bliss, but it is slowly reducing my stress and ideally reducing my longest and latest flareup episode for gastritis.

I am eating miso and soba noodles, no raw veggies (so strange!) and eating very small bits of food all day long...very slowly! 

Most of my submission art is for fundraising, donated work...although I could really use some funds in the coffee can, this is my happy medium. Finding a stress free way to help others...quietly.

I still do my yoga practice three times a week and it is hard to believe that I am rounding into FOUR years of this!!

 It is the longest and most I have ever stuck to some sort of social physical thing!

 this is truly crazy!!

I learned a new mudra 

( A mudra (/muˈdrɑː/; Sanskrit मुद्रा, "seal", "mark", or "gesture"; Tibetan: ཕྱག་རྒྱ་ THL chakgya) is a symbolic or ritual gesture in Hinduism and Buddhism. While some mudras involve the entire body, most are performed with the hands and fingers.)  the yellow one:

Your Solar Plexus (Manipura) Chakra is the third Chakra located in your abdomen, above your belly button. It is the energy center responsible for personal power, self-esteem and confidence.

I have been using it while meditating as it seemed quite fitting for

 both infertility and my current situation. 

My meditation only last a few moments....I

 have a monkey mind (constantly going, never really still) 

so I do little sessions when I can....it helps too.

So I am finding that I am boring right now....

I am seeking adventure, but it seems I need to do a few boring things first, 

like laundry and eat miso soup.

Putting feet where my heart is

I have become an voice in the fight

I am making choices everyday to speak up, regardless of my fears.

I am actively choosing to attend marches and sign petitions and make calls.

I was quite overwhelmed for a couple weeks, 

slipping into the door of depression for a time and again.

I felt the weight of my white privilege and 

the responsibly to make sure others acknowledged theirs.

I felt angry and heartbroken at family that said they loved me and the world around them,

 but then stood in support of Lord Marmalade and his racist, sexist and xenophobic choices.

I have made the choice to be a voice, 

I am fighting the BIG fight, looking at the BIG picture.

I am thinking about the generations after me, 

I am trying to secure the rights and safety.

I am learning and growing.

I find being infertile in this struggle has given me a unique voice

in this conversation. 

For that I am thankful.

Recovery

Once again my tub is a recovery zone.

Two weeks ago I was feeling on top of the world, I was seeing results from pushing myself farther and harder in class to reach new personal goals. 

I was feeling the benefits of the vitamin D I was taking again.

I was feeling invincible.

Then I noticed it had been a long time since I had peed that day.

When I did finally try, barely anything came out.

So, being the over achiever, I drank 40+oz of water and a quarter of a watermelon.

I must have been dehydrated.

I began to pee, but it was very little and then every few moments...

I knew this was not good, but for some reason did nothing to stop this decent until four hours had passed and I started to pee blood.

The Barren was traveling for work and when he called and heard me he said you gonna ride it out until the morning and see your doctor...I said yeah.

I was wrong...when 9pm came around I was EXHAUSTED and all the walk in clinics were closed.

Our local ER is like going into downtown Bangladesh and the wait times are off the chart...

plus I was scared and alone.

I mustered up my courage and got myself into the car and drove to another towns ER.

I had to stop along the way to pee, more blood...and pain

I made it to the ER and felt like I was going to pass out.

I gave a sample, that looked more like a small glass of Rosé

They took me in right away and told me where the bathroom was.

I was calm considering how frightened I was.

I get white coat too, so my pulse was elevated and explained to the admitting nurse what was happening. It took a while before the dishtowel of an ER doctor came in.

I had gone to the bathroom twice while waiting for him.

He didn't even look me in the face for the first half of the questioning.

He asked if I had any surgeries, I explained my endo and cyst and fibroids.

He asked if I had, had any others, I said I had my wisdom teeth out, but I didn't think that the roots went that deep. 

At that point he smirked and said he'd be back after the results came in.

While I waited more, I just kept peeing, and walking back and forth from my room to the bathroom.

Pain building...and blood.

Finally, another nurse came in and sat down, looked and me and said:

" I've seen you go to the bathroom many many times since you've been admitted. Can you tell me what is going on? " He looked at me and listened and I told him the pressure is so intense...it is as bad as cramping and the pain while peeing is building. 

And even though I have a fairly high pain tolerance, this was beginning to be quite upsetting.

He came back with some meds, and I took them...and then threw them up.

Then peed again and while walking back to the room.

The doctor said " you are allergic to a lot of things! "

I responded " yes, I am very special"

The nurse smirked and followed me back into the room, 

gave me some saltines, anti-nausea meds and another dose of medicine. 

He got me released and explained that I had a UTI and that the meds would take 24-36 hours before I felt better. I thanked him and drove home. The bladder pills already working and allowing me to make it home without having to stop.

I came home and passed out...it was 1:30am

The next couple of days were rough, and it felt like I had overwiped from all the peeing...

when I finally looked three days later I discovered I had gotten a HEMORRHOID!

All that pressure had caused me to get one!

I have never had one and so after a week had passed and I checked back in with my doc, 

she said "well if it doesn't go away, we will have to cut and drain it!"

I went blank again...

needles and knives in my BUTT!

I am currently doing a lot of soaking, icing and creams

I am repeating my body healing mantras and soaking in tubs three to four times a day.

it is changing slowly...but the only person who will admit to having had a 'roid is my bestie.

I am doing the wait it out and let it resolve itself path.

This whole thing, as me naked from the waist down at home again...

which sounds like fun, but has totally put a bend in my mojo.

I am asking for suggestions or hemorrhoid recovery tales...

I need to know that there is a light at the end of my tunnel

(hahaha, so to speak)

How can I....

So my brother (The Earl) asked me if I knew anyone who had inoculated their kids with Gardasil.

My heart started racing....

He then followed it with that his wife (The Countess) did not want to give it to their daughter....my niece!

She had seen that a girl got sick after the shot and now has totally shut down to the idea of giving my niece the shot. The Earl is researching online and asking people he knows.

I am being as neutral as possible, 

but inside I am SCREAMING! 

and wanting to slap some sense into The Countess or The Earl.

I have asked my granola friends, and my conservative friends, 

I have asked doctor friends and total strangers...and forwarded their responses to The Earl.

All of which have chosen to protect their sons and daughters from

 either transmitting or contracting HPV

It seems totally logical to me 

and being someone who had more than one cancer scare

knows people who have HPV and had cervical cancer

I don't seem to see the logic in avoiding any kind of protections

from this horrible disease that can ultimately KILL you!

I have stayed mum with my personal opinion 

as I know that I might get the "it is not your child" 

thrown back in my face during a heated and or emotional moment.

I don't think they are avoiding it because they can not imagine her being sexually active, 

but instead are simply scared of vaccinations.

Mind you they have gotten all the others....

What can I do

How can I speak or advocate for my nieces and nephews

without getting slapped?

Should I expect a slap...and just deal with it?

Should I risk my relationship with my SIL and brother...

Sign

How can I help?

I throw my hands in the air

I'm walking away

I love my parents.

I am close with them and thankful that they are here.

But sometimes...I don't like what they do

How they make me feel and that more often these days I think about how they will not be here forever.

I got a call from my mother at work this morning:

"Hi I am at the ER with our father. He had me take him here because he couldn't catch his breath"

I asked if I could come and sit with her while she waited with him for test results.

She said yes, so I packed up and left.

I met her in the waiting room and then we went into the bay my father was resting in.

They were waiting on the results of a CT scan to see if he had a blood clot in his lungs.

He was whacked out on Ativan and quite comfy and mellow.

He drives a lot for his job. Often sitting most of the day.

So checking for a blood clot made sense.

He has had a portion of his spine surgically fused due to deterioration and sometimes he swims...but for the most part my father likes to sit, eat really processed food, 

and not do much else if given the opportunity.

He has never been an exerciser, and thanks to pharmaceuticals, he can eat what he wants,
as the medicines do the hard work for him.

I sat and kept my mother company while he slept, the doctor finally came in with the results and said:

we did two EKG's and they are clear

We did blood work that looked for clots in your legs, and that is clear

We did a CT scan and that is clear of clots too

You didn't have a heart attack

so all tests look normal and clear

I think you might have had a panic attack, and I am prescribing a limited amount of pills for you to use when you feel the same symptoms again.

I do recommend that you don't drive long distances alone for the next few days

and I recommend a stress test to make sure all is clear and we have looked at everything.

I want you to run on a tread mill

( I saw my father go from happy to mad)

I asked the doctor if my father was clear to drive as a passenger this weekend for a work related event in a town three hours away, he said 

" Um, he is probably fine, but I would wait until the stress test results come in 

to do anything like that"

My mother was on the phone right away to the doctors office to schedule the test...

My father looked mad, 

I asked him what was going on, what you thinking about:

"I don't want to run"

I smiled and said, " well, that is not an option now"

I picked up the anti-freak out meds, while my mother took him home.

When I met them there, he was acting like nothing had just happened.

My mother was making french toast for him and he was looking at the bottle of pills. 

I told him that they were for easing the same symptoms he had before,
not to be taken for recreational use.

He said he was fine now.

I told him, you can't just shove it off, it was serious enough a moment ago, and that just doesn't go away. You need to take the doctors order seriously.

He said that they were still going on the business weekend away trip. I told him again what the doctor said and he said he was going.

I ate lunch with them (as they ate breakfast) and I said goodbye

I had said what I could, repeated doctors orders

and he probably will be fine if my mother drives...but FUCK

why do the rules not apply to him?!

I drove home and passed out/crashed on the bed for an hour

I still think I have PTSD from when my mother went into the hospital
I canceled plans for tonight and instead am watching TV and working this whole thing out here.

I have to walk away for my own mental health.
I have to realize that he is going to do whatever he damn well pleases and if (heaven forbid) something goes wrong he will blame someone or something other than himself.
I have to understand, I can not make everything OK all the time