Keeping Score

The Barren has been isolating in our bedroom-bathroom combo since Sunday last week. We are wearing masks indoors and sleeping in them. I am on the opposite side of our 1000 sqft home with the cats and the kitchen and access to the patio. I have been washing my hands so much that the skin between my fingers has cracked open. I have raw spots on the tops of my ears from the straps of the KF94 masks, 

Wednesday The Barren started to feel less overwhelmed with Covid symptoms and was in a cheery mood. Then around 7 pm he said he didn't feel well. It slide quickly and extremely into him screaming in agony. He sat in that pain for four hours before I said, that is it we are going to the ER. 

We ended up going twice in less than 12 hours. The first was blood, urine and a CT scan. The second was blood and an Ultrasound and more effective non-narcotic drugs.*

If you are keeping score, that is COVID, and 2 ER visits, 1 hour of sleep in 36 hours and no food. When we returned home, the Barren went to sleep and I slowly fed myself and sat outside while the sun began to set and dissociated. So that was one WEEK! 

He remains COVID positive and I remain COVID negative.  He is quite blue today, which completely makes sense and I am trying hard to keep a stoic face and the mood floating. Suggesting silly conversation topics and encouraging a micro masked walk, which ended in him being winded, but glad for the time outside the house.

I can honestly say I see how it was for him all these years. Witnessing me in pain, from endo and my own gut issues. I feel the same helplessness, and the fear of being too far away in case I am needed at a moments notice. I think it unlocked a new level of our relationship. When I was suffering, I was only really able to view it from my vantage point, seeing how he stood by and supported me with gentle touch and his presence. I am not even able to touch him, I sat outside his room pacing as he was screaming in pain asking quietly, where it hurt and coaching him to breathe. It is was ridiculous. 

I rubbed his back in the ER, and sat beside him in the isolation room the second time. I watched how the doctors treated him and advocated where I could. It has been exhausting and I really have nothing left in me. I think my mallet head for my whack-a-mole fell off and rolled down the street. I am too tired to find it. I am feeling broken and sad. I try to think of this as an opportunity to remake the situation. Blossom like a phoenix or some other stupid cliché...but really all that matters is him and his health. 

On Wednesday night, just as his pain began I got a text that my dear friend went into surgery to remove her kidney as it had developed a concerning lesion. Thank the goddesses, she made it out without complications. Now she waits for those new organs.

As I sat in the sun this morning sending a text to my mediation teacher that I would be missing class and why, I thanked her for her guidance in teaching me ways to calm my mind in stressful situations, mantras for healing not only myself but anyone who needs healing. She replied a reminder to take it one breathe at a time and that we possess the weapons of patience and peace.

* his diagnosis is an inflamed gall bladder with small stones

Recovery

Once again my tub is a recovery zone.

Two weeks ago I was feeling on top of the world, I was seeing results from pushing myself farther and harder in class to reach new personal goals. 

I was feeling the benefits of the vitamin D I was taking again.

I was feeling invincible.

Then I noticed it had been a long time since I had peed that day.

When I did finally try, barely anything came out.

So, being the over achiever, I drank 40+oz of water and a quarter of a watermelon.

I must have been dehydrated.

I began to pee, but it was very little and then every few moments...

I knew this was not good, but for some reason did nothing to stop this decent until four hours had passed and I started to pee blood.

The Barren was traveling for work and when he called and heard me he said you gonna ride it out until the morning and see your doctor...I said yeah.

I was wrong...when 9pm came around I was EXHAUSTED and all the walk in clinics were closed.

Our local ER is like going into downtown Bangladesh and the wait times are off the chart...

plus I was scared and alone.

I mustered up my courage and got myself into the car and drove to another towns ER.

I had to stop along the way to pee, more blood...and pain

I made it to the ER and felt like I was going to pass out.

I gave a sample, that looked more like a small glass of Rosé

They took me in right away and told me where the bathroom was.

I was calm considering how frightened I was.

I get white coat too, so my pulse was elevated and explained to the admitting nurse what was happening. It took a while before the dishtowel of an ER doctor came in.

I had gone to the bathroom twice while waiting for him.

He didn't even look me in the face for the first half of the questioning.

He asked if I had any surgeries, I explained my endo and cyst and fibroids.

He asked if I had, had any others, I said I had my wisdom teeth out, but I didn't think that the roots went that deep. 

At that point he smirked and said he'd be back after the results came in.

While I waited more, I just kept peeing, and walking back and forth from my room to the bathroom.

Pain building...and blood.

Finally, another nurse came in and sat down, looked and me and said:

" I've seen you go to the bathroom many many times since you've been admitted. Can you tell me what is going on? " He looked at me and listened and I told him the pressure is so intense...it is as bad as cramping and the pain while peeing is building. 

And even though I have a fairly high pain tolerance, this was beginning to be quite upsetting.

He came back with some meds, and I took them...and then threw them up.

Then peed again and while walking back to the room.

The doctor said " you are allergic to a lot of things! "

I responded " yes, I am very special"

The nurse smirked and followed me back into the room, 

gave me some saltines, anti-nausea meds and another dose of medicine. 

He got me released and explained that I had a UTI and that the meds would take 24-36 hours before I felt better. I thanked him and drove home. The bladder pills already working and allowing me to make it home without having to stop.

I came home and passed out...it was 1:30am

The next couple of days were rough, and it felt like I had overwiped from all the peeing...

when I finally looked three days later I discovered I had gotten a HEMORRHOID!

All that pressure had caused me to get one!

I have never had one and so after a week had passed and I checked back in with my doc, 

she said "well if it doesn't go away, we will have to cut and drain it!"

I went blank again...

needles and knives in my BUTT!

I am currently doing a lot of soaking, icing and creams

I am repeating my body healing mantras and soaking in tubs three to four times a day.

it is changing slowly...but the only person who will admit to having had a 'roid is my bestie.

I am doing the wait it out and let it resolve itself path.

This whole thing, as me naked from the waist down at home again...

which sounds like fun, but has totally put a bend in my mojo.

I am asking for suggestions or hemorrhoid recovery tales...

I need to know that there is a light at the end of my tunnel

(hahaha, so to speak)

The end is neigh...

OK so my first world problems were solved and the package arrived...on the Saturday. We left for our little trip on Sunday so I could still wear the dresses....though one makes my boobies look like rocks in socks...gotta find a good bra option for that dress, cause free styling is NOT an option it seems.

 

The Barren and I went away for the couple days before Christmas,

we are trying new things,

trying to find new personal rituals that make us feel good.

This year we tried the desert, I had a fantasy to see cactus covered or dusted in snow...

well, my state is in a drought, in fact this year is the driest on record since 1877!

We are bone dry...

So although there was no snow, the desert never disappoints in it's own beauty.

We visited a state park and were able to be almost alone for the whole day!

It was quiet and barren and beautiful.
 

We have to remember to bring a picnic, as we had to cut our visit short,
because we were getting hangry and
the bottle of water and mixed nuts just didn't cut the cheese.

We relaxed and got massages, sweated in the steam room, had dessert in bed and ate ate ate fancy food...
I ate everything I saw and it felt like that when I got back into class (ugh)
Then New year arrived and The Barren started to feel *funny*, he didn't drink much but we still ate like crazed people and the next day we were both lying low...by the end of New Years day The Barren was coughing and sweating and saying funny things.
He got a cootie.
I went out to the scary pharmacy in our neighborhood
(they assume all people walking in are looking for pills, or are strung out on meth...so it is a colorful crowd when getting cold medicine)
I nursed as best as I could and tried to keep my face away from his as he coughed through the WHOLE house...leaving no surface free of cooties!
I skipped class yesterday to nurse him after the doctor said it was a possible bacterial infection in his chest, I kept a cheery disposition and made sure he got two antibiotics into him before the end of the night...but last night my chest started to get heavy, and currently it feels like there is wet sand in my lungs, weighing me down.

Sadly, I can not miss work, we are about to have a very important inspection, so I am here, skipped yoga again as I could not imagine being able to catch my breath in class...and popped two ibuprophen and am drinking water so I pee every half and hour, and trying to work with a clear head.

I can only think of two things:
1. I want to go to sleep
2. when can I get back to work in the studio?!

So my new years list is on hold, until I can really see clearly
and feel rested to really know what I want from this year.

I have deeper and more interesting things to say, but it will have to wait
 as all circuits are busy right now with other tasks.
Happy new year ladies, I will be back to my normal self soon, I am sure....
xo