My Cervix

****candid- real talk about exams****

 It is that time of year again...check under the hood and see how things are.

Like years prior I tried to make all the appointments in a week, so I could get them all done and then be done for a year...but that circles thing is still haunting me. I had my general checkup/in and to say that my primary wasn't happy with my answer to her : Are you happy? question is kind of an understatement. What did she really expect...I mean I think all of us have been run the fuck over these last two years. My response of "mediocre" was not received well and she offered no other options other than noting that she wanted me to take care of myself?! WTF

I was cleared and told that my cervix was too closed to do a proper pap and that I needed to have ANOTHER one done by the GYN department....as well as a stack of other orders for mammos and ultrasounds and follow-up bloodwork.

Meanwhile the gastro doctor needed me to REPEAT all the samples I had done two months ago because the lab didn't culture them all.

I went for my pap redo yesterday and aside from a single extremely pregnant woman in the waiting room, the other ladies in waiting all seemed unfazed and not pregnant.

I decided to have the NP that did my endo biopsy do this retry and she tried...and then asked for more things to try and do it. I was laying there flayed open with a speculum in place for longer that most of us would like, she proclaimed that more things were needed and rang for another woman in the office to fetch other devices to try and open my cervix enough to get cervical cells....after what felt like an entire construction site worth of devices she said she was not able to open the cervix enough.

She prescribed an estrogen suppository for me to take for a couple months in hope that would soften my cervix enough to take a proper pap. So she wants to try again in February. 

I felt defeated, and disappointed and after I got dressed, it also felt like I had been punched in my vagina. I have had some mild cramping too...but I am guessing that was from the clamp they put on my cervix while trying to get a cervical dilatator into me.

Today was my pelvic ultrasound...it was obvious when the ultrasound tech started to place the probe that there was a tissue tear in my vaginal wall from yesterday and then she said she could see where the NP tried to get into my cervix...in fact she said to expect spotting in the next couple of days as things looked poked. She told me that my ovaries are starting to get smaller too. I was thankful for the heads up and the repeated checking-in on me to see if I was alright and not uncomfortable. 

I left the appointment and sat in my car for a little cry, my vulva throbbing and aching.

It was a lot of things to process.

I am cooking tonight, feeling like I need to control something today...anything for that matter.

I was suppose to do a family photo shoot, but the family postponed and I am kind of grateful. It means I have some time to work through some feelings about this whole couple of days. I think I am going to soak in a tub tonight too, ideally it will help start some healing.

I know that a lot of my feelings are surfacing from my IF days, when I had most of the people from my county in my vagina, looking around and giving opinions. I can put on a mask, swallow pain, discomfort and make little jokes to deflect real feelings...but I am not so okay with doing that anymore. I am tired. I am tired of feeling like I am broken or unwell. This entrance into menopause is like taking a dive into a dark deep pool and no one tells you what the water temp is, what is in the pool or if you will sink or swim....because each of us sees that pool differently and so why tell you anything.

It has been a rough start to the week, I still have a breast ultrasound, and a follow-up with the gastro doc (who will be wondering why I am not sicker)

I am not wanting to complain, but really wonder if this is what to expect from here on out. Does anyone else have this experience? closed cervix with the onset of menopause, having to do paps over and over? How are you handling the beginnings of menopause, or perimenopause? 

Any advice or tips would be of great enlightenment.

I am good and healthy

I got the phone call while dropping off artwork at the gallery.

I had to take the call in a public place....

I repeated what the Nurse said:

"clear and good, nothing present"

I folded in half with relief

the curator walked up to me and said...

that sounded like good news

I said yes, I had a test and it is clear.

What were you tested for?

I had a biopsy from my uterus, they wanted to rule out cancer.

She turned white and said she was so very glad to hear the news....

I told her it felt like I could take a deep breath.

I remember thanking her again for including me in the exhibition and I floated out of the gallery and landed in a metaphysical gift store a couple doors down where I bought my bestie a set of Animal Spirit Guide cards

Since the news I have been kind of numb and very thankful

very present 

and quieter

I enjoyed a quiet Christmas with The Barren

and then with family

I am fine, I am good, I am thankful 

and peri-menopausal

Mind is a swirl

I have only really thought about what the biopsy was looking for a couple times

and when I dealt with the REALNESS of it, I became overwhelmed.

I felt a wave of love wash over me in yoga class, 

and became quite overwhelmed with the feeling that I actually cried.... 

I was quite sweaty and so it was not noticeable.

The waiting is indeed the hardest part.

I have spent time not thinking, meditating, doing busy work and trying to not focus on my normal catastrophic thinking that I go to almost automatically.

I have been talking myself off the ledge, but reminding myself that my doctor surgeries have been successful and that there is no reason why this will not result in another good experience and a negative- you don't have cancer result.

For not thinking about it, it sure sounds like I have been thinking about it.

Ideally I should hear something tomorrow....but until then I am off to make gingerbread nuts

hahah

nuts

this recipe:

GINGERBREAD SPICED NUTS

INGREDIENTS:

• 3 cups Nuts (I used 1 1/2 cups Walnut Halves and 1 1/2 cups Pecan Halves)
• 1/2 + 1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
• 1/2 + 1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
• 1/4 teaspoon ground all spice
• 1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
• 3 tablespoons brown sugar
• big pinch coarse salt
• 2 tablespoons coconut oil

DIRECTIONS:

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
2. Add nuts to a large mixing bowl.
3. In a small bowl, combine spices, sugar and coconut oil. Add to nuts and toss well until nuts are completely coated.
4. Bake in 350 degree oven for 10-12 minutes until fragrant. Let cool before serving.

Heavily Meditated

Vadge of Honor 

My bestie got me this pin after my last miscarriage and 

I have worn it to ultrasounds and today's endometrial biopsy.

I spent the last two and a half weeks waiting for my appointment meditating.

I have read about the process, focused on the temporary amount of time it was 

and tried to compare/prepare for it with the pain gauge in my head.

twinge to pass out from pain

Today came and I took two pills last night meant to soften my cervix and then another this morning.

They made me quite loopy and apparently worked well enough to allow for the procedure today

and to get a sample.

I would say the process was uncomfortable with a moment or two of pointed sharp pressure deep inside me, near my diaphragm.

It was a short amount of time and when I was ready to call uncle, it was over.

Clearly pain and discomfort levels are different for everyone and I had a lot of downward pressure from my cervix softening so that added to the strange feelings.

The polka dots on the ceiling tiles were amazingly interesting when focusing on breathing

When she was done I needed to lay still for a little bit as I was a little woozy.

Nothing that didn't settle almost immediately and I was out of there.

Results expected by next week.

I am beyond thankful that today procedure was able to net a sample.

I met with my bestie yesterday to shore up my courage, and she gave me a lemon sweatshirt that is super soft and cozy. She wanted to give it to me ahead of the procedure so that: 

"I felt happy and loved"

cozy lemon slice sweatshirt, homemade vegan mac and cheeze and my emotional support kitty <3 td="">

Bestie lives over 6 hours away and has come into town to take care of her mother who had double eye surgery today....so her plate is quite full!

Yesterdays meet up was exactly what we both needed.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I am hopeful that the spotting from the procedure will fade away 

and I will get some mojo time back and celebrate my:

 "BIG HEALTHY UTERUS POWER"

source

You are a wreck

So I went to the endo doctor....

I had The Barren come with me, well, because it was a male doctor and as sexist as that sounds often times when I have visited a male doctor they talk down to me unless The Barren is present.

It sucks and is sad, but true.

So I brought back-up

Also, I had MASSIVE white coat and I wanted a second set of ears to hear what my brain dropped with its high screeching sound.

I was sweating and anxious and although my clots had stopped on Monday, I was still spotting.

The doctor came into the exam room like a cowboy on a bulldozer.

Sat down in front of me with my folder and said:

"You are peri-menopausal.

that is why you are bleeding like this."

"We've met before, but you were asleep" (creepy)

He assisted on my ovarian cystectomy and stage four endo confirmation.

" yep, you are total mess, everything is just all mucked up in there."

He was trying to make light of things I think...but it came across a little like a used car salesman

He told me that when I got tired of bleeding I should consider a D&C or Uterine Ablation or both.

But first, 

" We need to do an endometrial biopsy, to confirm that you don't have uterine cancer. I don't think you do, but it is important to confirm that.

I have my nurse practitioners do them because I don't like to hurt people and they hurt. Because I have never had any children, my cervical opening is small or totally closed and they might not be able to do the biopsy, so if that is the case then they would do it with a D&C""

I saw The Barren go pale when the doctor described the process 

and I think I left my body at that moment.

He suggested that I double up on my BC pill to up the hormone and if it works then we can switch to another pill and just take them back to back.

Oh, and you can only take the pill until you are 50 so you only have a little bit of time left on that.

then you are considered Menopausal and you shouldn't be on the pill anymore.

I told him I was most afraid of having to have a hysterectomy and he told me that he had ZERO desire to do one, that he doesn't even have it on the list of options....unless needed.like uterine cancer.

That was a relief among the land mines.

He also said that caffeine or alcohol are not triggers for endo and that I should be drinking champagne whenever I want and enjoying my cup of tea in the morning.

I left the office with a biopsy appointment, with a nurse practitioner that was versed in the procedure of difficult subjects, and the lady at the front desk said she would ask if a should take some kind of medicine ahead of the procedure to help make it easier for us both...but it wasn't an anti-anxiety drug.

I left the appointment feeling like I had been run over by a mack truck!

I was dizzy and shaking and confused and so very sad.

I spoke to a pharmacist yesterday that confirmed that doubling up on the BC pill was a good option and if the spotting stopped then get a new prescription with that dose and take three 28 day packs back to back. 28 day packs have a wider range of dosages of hormone than the 91day generics I take.

I started last night and aside from some nausea this morning, I feel pretty alright and the spotting seems to be stopping too! 

I did yoga yesterday and today...that helped A LOT.

I am scared of the biopsy, but keep trying to focus on it being a 10-15 minute 

procedure and that the pain will be temporary.

The Barren is taking me to and from the appointment that day.

I am so done with this bullshit

I am done with doctors

I am done with the sadness

I am done with painful procedures

I am done with feeling so overwhelmed

but something somewhere in me won't let me totally give up and give in

I still have some dim flame of hope that this will be it, the last of it for a long spell 

Riding the waves

Handmade doll for 3yr olds birthday

So remember that baby shower I wasn't invited to and then the second baby shower I found out about on social media that I also was not invited to, because I wasn't going to show up anyways....

well, I got a half-assed invite to that same persons sons third birthday.

" hey lady, we are having a party this Friday for kiddos 3rd bday, 530pm. Hot dogs and pinata...not sure screaming kids at the end of the week are your thing but we wanted to invite you and The Barren"

I accepted immediately

I think there was some spite in my acceptance, but....whatever

I found this book at the local thrift shop and made the doll the day of the party; in between work and yoga class....the silkscreen paint was pretty darn dry by the time I wrapped it up.

Apparently the 3year olds suggestions for the soon to be little mini me is 

" poo poo head"

So I made him a baby of his own that he can torture or play with while mom 

is busy with the real one.***

The party was all hipster parents and cake and screaming kids 

and I chatted with a few people while banshees and harpies ran around us 

high on sugar and sleep deprivation.

I was proud of myself for playing it cool...

The Barren was not able to go because he was traveling and so I did it solo!

*note the ripped paper of the dressing gown
nervous twitch maybe

I also survived the yearly check up with the doctor.
I get white coat so they line the exam table with the thicker non stick paper sheets.
I get a hot flash as soon as the doctor appears and proceed to create small waterfalls of sweat all throughout the exam. I don't think I have ever gotten a manual breast exam from her where she didn't get a handful of sweat and deodorant.
She said aside from still needing to loose 3-5 pounds (my lord this woman uses the BMI index like an end all be all information system )
I am doing well and should keep it up
exercise as much as I can and keep up the vegan diet and stay happy
(hahahah)

I don't have to see her for another year (ideally)
Now I just have mammogram and breast ultrasounds to finish
easy peasy

I'm dead set on just riding this last month away...
In my minds eye I am sitting in the shade
by a big body of water
tide lapping nearby
and letting it all go

letting all that shit go

*** Mom to be just texted and asked if I had any name ideas!!

I went to the first name site I could find and picked one randomly

Sigh

Echos and debris

****Trigger Warning****
Miscarriage

photo credit


"internal echos and debris in the uterus"

The ultrasound tech told me that she thought it looked like I had a molar pregnancy.

I didn't know what this was and had to look it up.
There was nothing there now...

I still had blood and tissue in my endometrial lining and 

I should expect to keep spotting until my body either absorbs or expels the rest.

She use to be a midwife overseas, and specialized in high risk pregnancy

When the call came from the doctors office came 

 I was emotionally stable to listen to what they had to say.

which was: 

We don't see anything

one of your fibroids grew a millimeter

If something changes call us

The techs theory made sense to me and I am sticking with that one.

Since then, trying to resume a normal brainwave has been a struggle.

I got results from the doctor on the 23rd of last week and as the week rounded out my urethra

started to hurt/burn. So my Saturday morning I was in the walk in clinic.

I waited a good hour for the pee test, and then another half an our to be "seen"

The nurse that took me in took my vitals and asked questions.

No expression on her face.

She had me sit on the exam table behind a big curtain that she drew around me.

I sat there for another 15 minutes staring at the curtain and shaking, 

only hearing the nurse and doctor type on keyboards.

Then at one point I heard the doctor say my name, and the nurse whisper

She recently had a miscarriage...

At that point from behind the curtain I hear the doctor start to ask the question 

"how far along were you"

and appear from behind the curtain.

I told him early, I didn't even know I was, until I wasn't.

I am I still spotting.

He then said why are you here?

I told him my urethra hurt, not my bladder and I was concerned I might have the beginning of a UTI 

I had taken that urinary pain reliever stuff and aside from some minor relief it didn't do much.

He told me that my pee showed blood,  which makes sense if I am still spotting
but that there were no white blood cells...

blood is an irritant and if I hadn't been sexually active recently, that is the most likely culprit.

Did I have any back pain? I said yes

Then he took a single finger, and barely touched me

to point out to me the kidney area of my back.

Saying kidney issues are on one side only....bilateral pain it muscle.

He then swooped behind the curtain and told me he is calling in a prescription for an antibiotic to cover our bases and will culture my urine in case something didn't show on the dipstick test...

and then that was it.

No hello, so medical questions

just some pee and a finger touch

I left feeling totally numb

The Barren was with me this time and we ate something and picked up the drugs
and I went home and crawled into bed and slept for two hours.

Ideally this is the last of the complications

I can not emotionally take anything else thrown at me.

Spent on the sidelines

***Trigger warning***

Miscarriage

So I went to the doctor

I must say the level of kindness at the doctors office far exceeded my past experiences 

so there is a "good on you" sticker for them.

I was asked repeatedly if I was alright, and that they were really sorry.

I did express how even after all these years, I was able to find and access that deep sadness and numbness without any effort.

That is a shock still.

I peed in a cup

Had my temp and blood pressure taken (both elevated)

I had a pelvic exam

I was asked to recount what I had experienced over the last two weeks.

I like to give deep details in fear that something would be left out that was needed.

The nurse practitioner said she had ideas about what might be happening

I had all the signs of a miscarriage, but also unstable uterine wall

also peri-menopausal response

My fibroids or cysts or endo acting up

also she didn't know...

but felt that the longer I was on BCP the swing in hormones 

would eventually taper the bleeding.

So I went to get a blood test to check my 

HcG levels

My FSH

and my iron, because I kept saying that I was really tired.

I also had an order for a pelvic ultrasound.

I was the last appointment for the blood lab before lunch break.

The lady that drew my blood was saying how hungry she was over and over again....

and then as she was taking my blood said:

" I have a really good feeling about this potential pregnancy"

I said, " well, that's good"

and told her to enjoy her lunch.

I left and drove home to fall into a puddle.

Dr's office called the following day to say I am not starting menopause

(at least via hormone levels)

I am anemic and to take a multi vitamin and eat iron rich foods

and the lab didn't run the HCG blood test for some reason...

Did I ask them not to?!

And did I still want to do that.

An additional four days had passed and I told her no, 

I didn't think anything would be left to see.

I am now about to go and have my ultrasound

I am anxious and nervous about my cysts and fibroids having changed.

I am still spotting, and I know this ultrasound tech.

She is compassionate and listens and gives me a heads up 

if I need to be concerned about something she sees.

I am off to drink my water and get probed.

Then, then I can feel unpoked for a couple weeks before my annual checkup

In the meantime I will work on feeling more connected with my body again, as I currently feel quite removed from it....like I am watching from the sidelines.

Happy Birthday Lefty!

5 years ago I took a test that saved my ovary!

I celebrate that day as a new birthday for my ovary ever since.

Today is my left ovaries birthday.

I have had several new cycles with her and she has not decided to grow anything new!

I am thankful for that 

Here is to lefty

formally Quasimodo

I am looking to celebrate many more healthy birthdays with you ⭐

Beer and Cowgirl boots

It is that time of year again.

Check in on my uterus and ovaries, 

make sure they don't have any new hitchhikers.

I travel to a nearby town to check into the local hospital to 

have my pelvic ultrasounds.

I have found a great tech, that tells me what she sees before I get my results.

I take her observations as a no need to panic foreshadowing.

I spent too many years worrying after the exam whilst waiting for results.

So I found a person who will tell me if she see changes or give me a heads up.

She is awesome that way and has a similar fibroid and cyst situation.

We are in a sisterhood like that.

She offers respect and compassion that I seek on this crazy reproductive journey.

Today she told me a story of a client that came in last week for a pelvic ultrasound:

A woman came in kind of drunk she said....

she was wearing a skirt and cowgirl boots.

She told the tech that she was a little drunk that she choose to drink some beers 

for her 30oz of clear fluid to prep for the pelvic ultrasound.

(I giggled and wondered why I never had thought of that, that makes for a personal party out of a sucky medical exam.)

After the external ultrasound, she emptied her bladder and hoped back onto the exam table in a hospital gown and her boots.

The tech thought, OK I guess this is how she rolls.

As she was performing the internal portion of the exam she proclaims to the tech:

"you know my husband always wants me to keep my boots on, and I always say no....

 But for you I kept them on! "

Ahhhh the clarity of alcohol

and a vaginal probe

Recovery

Once again my tub is a recovery zone.

Two weeks ago I was feeling on top of the world, I was seeing results from pushing myself farther and harder in class to reach new personal goals. 

I was feeling the benefits of the vitamin D I was taking again.

I was feeling invincible.

Then I noticed it had been a long time since I had peed that day.

When I did finally try, barely anything came out.

So, being the over achiever, I drank 40+oz of water and a quarter of a watermelon.

I must have been dehydrated.

I began to pee, but it was very little and then every few moments...

I knew this was not good, but for some reason did nothing to stop this decent until four hours had passed and I started to pee blood.

The Barren was traveling for work and when he called and heard me he said you gonna ride it out until the morning and see your doctor...I said yeah.

I was wrong...when 9pm came around I was EXHAUSTED and all the walk in clinics were closed.

Our local ER is like going into downtown Bangladesh and the wait times are off the chart...

plus I was scared and alone.

I mustered up my courage and got myself into the car and drove to another towns ER.

I had to stop along the way to pee, more blood...and pain

I made it to the ER and felt like I was going to pass out.

I gave a sample, that looked more like a small glass of Rosé

They took me in right away and told me where the bathroom was.

I was calm considering how frightened I was.

I get white coat too, so my pulse was elevated and explained to the admitting nurse what was happening. It took a while before the dishtowel of an ER doctor came in.

I had gone to the bathroom twice while waiting for him.

He didn't even look me in the face for the first half of the questioning.

He asked if I had any surgeries, I explained my endo and cyst and fibroids.

He asked if I had, had any others, I said I had my wisdom teeth out, but I didn't think that the roots went that deep. 

At that point he smirked and said he'd be back after the results came in.

While I waited more, I just kept peeing, and walking back and forth from my room to the bathroom.

Pain building...and blood.

Finally, another nurse came in and sat down, looked and me and said:

" I've seen you go to the bathroom many many times since you've been admitted. Can you tell me what is going on? " He looked at me and listened and I told him the pressure is so intense...it is as bad as cramping and the pain while peeing is building. 

And even though I have a fairly high pain tolerance, this was beginning to be quite upsetting.

He came back with some meds, and I took them...and then threw them up.

Then peed again and while walking back to the room.

The doctor said " you are allergic to a lot of things! "

I responded " yes, I am very special"

The nurse smirked and followed me back into the room, 

gave me some saltines, anti-nausea meds and another dose of medicine. 

He got me released and explained that I had a UTI and that the meds would take 24-36 hours before I felt better. I thanked him and drove home. The bladder pills already working and allowing me to make it home without having to stop.

I came home and passed out...it was 1:30am

The next couple of days were rough, and it felt like I had overwiped from all the peeing...

when I finally looked three days later I discovered I had gotten a HEMORRHOID!

All that pressure had caused me to get one!

I have never had one and so after a week had passed and I checked back in with my doc, 

she said "well if it doesn't go away, we will have to cut and drain it!"

I went blank again...

needles and knives in my BUTT!

I am currently doing a lot of soaking, icing and creams

I am repeating my body healing mantras and soaking in tubs three to four times a day.

it is changing slowly...but the only person who will admit to having had a 'roid is my bestie.

I am doing the wait it out and let it resolve itself path.

This whole thing, as me naked from the waist down at home again...

which sounds like fun, but has totally put a bend in my mojo.

I am asking for suggestions or hemorrhoid recovery tales...

I need to know that there is a light at the end of my tunnel

(hahaha, so to speak)

It is all fun and games...

It is all fun and games until your doctor says:

 "perimenopausal" 

multiple times in a visit.

Time is marching on and I am apparently aging, regardless of my 

inability to believe it.

Tired at mid-day= besides waking up at 4am daily...

you are gonna find that it takes longer to recover.

Periods acting weird, even on a BCP= you are 46, we are seeing signs of perimenopause

night sweats= perimenopause

pissed off at what I am saying= perimenopausal

That spot I need to burn off your face= stupid things you did as a teenager, now you will pay for it!

They say aging is a gift, I understand that 

I believe that

I am thankful for still being able to walk this earth...

Aging, the process is a mystery and many facets are mysterious

I need to corner people and ask questions...

I need information!

Apparently, even though I feel like an awkward 17year old on the inside

I am still a 46 year old on the outside

sigh

I have a problem

* I ramble again but I think you can find some enjoyment 

amongst the words and photos*

OK it started with this dress...

well actually this one:

same style but with a different flower pattern

I got these off an online bidding site...I had to alter the darker ones sleeves, as I have broad shoulders and so the little elastic bands in the sleeves drove me nuts, so I removed them and now the sleeves don't pucker and make wearing it a bit more comfy.

Then I got the butterfly dress...and I mean how could I not get a dress with butterflies on it?! and it was not overtly "girlie" and an olive color works well with my pale, pale skin.

Turns out those little sleeves were cut into my arms just above the pits...so I took them off and re-hemmed making it a sleeveless number. It has a PLUNGING neckline, which is new for me, but it arrived quickly and was timed perfectly as I had just gotten

 my annual mammo and breast ultrasound and got word all looks good, so I looked at it as a great way to celebrate that I get to keep my breasts for another year.

Last couple of years have been hard watching and learning that so many of my girlfriends were loosing their breasts and lives to breast cancer, so the annual mammo has caused me rethink how I look at my annual exam. Once that letter comes that all is good, it is a celebration of breasts.

Then a series of babies were/are expected so I dove back into the sites and got the 

"totally 80's" dress with dolman sleeves.

I most likely would have worn this in Jr. high school had I had my druthers...but being 45 is just as good, plus it fits perfect and I love how it references my art with its graphic contrast design.

Then this last week I found this lovely blue puppy...contrasting patterns and sleeveless design (no sleeves to remove or struggle with), it was easy to see that I needed to add this one to the options.

I tend to buy dresses when I get stressed it seems...or when I am trying to avoid something or when I want to feel something bigger than that moment.

I have been working these last two weeks on a project that is HUGE, and I am doing it in collaboration with three other ladies. It is unpaid for the time being, and there is a lot of work for me to do (in fact I am avoiding some of it now) but the promise of a bright future is there and I am appreciated for the work I am doing. All that said, it is very stressful, and then there was some fun vagina issues that reoccurred and made for another stressful week...and then there is my second job that is always a crap-shoot of stress and tension and new experiences. So I have been under some real tension and that mixed with babies and artwork being made, but not leaving my bossom coupled with The Barren traveling a lot for work and me coming into a thick time of year for the second job...and the home aging and us looking at the reality of needing new appliances and home upgrades to maintain our property value...and gallery season is around the corner....all this grown up stuff sucks, so I retreat into dresses.

I guess it could be worse and I go to cocaine or something.

I took the niece and nephew to get a few things for school this past week too. I had never done this before. Their parents needed a little help this year with clothes and shoes so we were happy to pitch in where we could.
My 8 year old nephew spent a total of 10 minutes shopping before claiming that he was done.
We were able to secure four shirts, two pair of pants, and a pack of socks before he slid under the shirt display and claimed he was hungry.
It was great...he pointed to the pictures in the advertisements of what he wanted, we grabbed them, paid and left to fill his belly with a mall pretzel.
His 11 yr old sister spent the morning making a list of items she wanted to add to her must have list, we walked into the store, she wanted everything she saw and I helped cull the crazed load of clothes to try on...then we came to the training bras...she said she needed another.
WE PICKED OUT A BRA!!!
I sat outside the dressing room trying to digest this milestone and trying to remember how old I was when I got mine. She asked what the padding was for...I told her that sometimes your nipples get really hard when it is a little cold and it feels better to have a little something to protect you from rubbing, she said she understood and said that it was super comfy.

Her main piece of clothing was a pair of denim overalls!
When I heard she wanted a pair, my heart almost exploded and I texted my bestie when she was trying them on....My bestie replied...those genes run deep!
(I wore stripped overalls (train engineer style, through most of college, and still have them tucked in the closet with paint stains well entwined into the fabric)
When she emerged from the dressing room all I heard running through my mind was
"Come on Eileen"

This was her first time out of leggings,
so she was trying to get use to the pants not clinging to her body.
She wanted to live in the outfit...it was awesome to witness her coming into her own self.

I guess we are both going through puberty together
she is entering it and I seem to be rediscovering it.

Keep on Trucking

OK

So my last few posts have been heavy and loaded with life crap

I am still in shock but, I finally got some good news

I submitted a portfolio of work that I had hoped :

" demonstrated a professional level of proficiency in the medium"

&

" Work that showed a consistent, well developed artistic vision"

I had waited years to submit to this group, 

they hold very high standards and quite frankly, 

I was intimidated to try until just now.

They are the oldest guild (of their kind) in the US, started in 1912

I had a "what the fuck" moment and submitted.

This year they also allowed online submissions and 

it saved me having to drive several hundred miles to submit my work.

Needless to say I was counting the days as the month grew longer 

and when the email finally arrived I was scared 

but, the first words were kind so I read further 

and it was a congratulations letter!

I told The Barren who in turn wanted to get wasted and hang from the ceiling....

but I was in shock so I told him I only needed a hug.

He was deflated...but gave me a hug.

I am still in disbelief.

I think after all these months of "No Thank Yous"

I am in disbelief that I possessed the ability to make something worthwhile

I finally let The Barren cheer for me and I had a little moment of cheering myself...

I did it.

I also made it through the annual 50,000 mile service update with the doctor.

It was low on drama and I was frank and forthright, and had a list.

I told her quite openly that my relationship with food had dramatically changed, 

and that most meals involve guilt and fear.

I told her that I think about everything I eat on a scale of  

" would the doctor think this was a right choice"

(How twisted is that! I know it is, but it doesn't stop me from thinking it still)

She looked concerned and after asking some basic do you smoke, how much do you drink, are you exercising questions, she tried to assure me that I am doing good, 

that I am in the right BMI (a number I do not believe in) 

and that I should keep on trucking. 

She also diagnosed me with Costochondritis

I have had this for almost a year and aside from feeling like " is this a heart attack?"

and some reassurances from women weightlifters

I was glad to hear that I wasn't in fact imagining it 

and I am NOT having heart attacks.

I had fasted for the appointment and by the time I left, I had to give blood too...

that was an hour of waiting and I was famished when I left...

there was a new vegan cafe I had yet to try 

so I was the first one in the door when they opened at 11am

(I had been up drinking water since 6am to plump up my veins so the vampire wouldn't miss)

 I had their "most popular" sandwich:

a vegan Ruben...after ordering it I wondered if I had made a good choice

mayo-ish stuff, cheeze-ish stuff, sauerkraut

first thing in my tummy for the day...

it looked like this:

watch out tummy here comes what I deem as breakfast

then it looked like this:

after I licked the plate

I wandered home, and did this:

It was a highly productive day

That time of year...

It is that time of year, the time where I see my doctor and get a once over.

I was nervous about my weight and my blood count numbers and if I was gonna be in a better place than I was last year at this time.
Mostly would the doctor say I was a good patient and doing what I was suppose to be doing=
you are not gonna die from your own doing tomorrow or next week.
for some reason I don't want to disappoint my NP.

She is quite mellow and loves that I always go with a card to remind myself of all the referrals I need.

I was naked and sitting on that horrible exam table paper as we relaxed and slowly went through the medical history updates and what vitamins and exercise I am doing, when I started to sweat...I mean drip sweat.

I told her that it seems like that these days I run hot...she says it happens in the office,
but that I might be starting the menopause countdown...ugh...
Seriously, am I really already at that time in my life?

When the time came for the pelvic exam I went to lay down and realized at that moment,
that this was going to be undignified.
The whole lower half of me had sealed with the exam table paper...
it was totally coating my ass, my thighs and vagina.

I found myself peeling paper off my ass as she performed my breast exam...and when I needed to stirrup up she said I was indeed  an overachiever, as I got it stuck everywhere
...she even had to peel some away to perform the pelvic and I just stared at the ceiling and shook my head.
I told her that I seem to only experience these things when I am in her presence, and I guess she needed a new Barreness vagina experience, because our last ones where not exciting enough.
She giggled....I sighed

As she finished up and left to write up orders for mammograms and ultrasounds,
I peeled the rest of the paper off myself as best I could so I could get dressed.

said paper shreds, they appeared all day long

After giving blood and being told I was clear to go I left in search of caffeine.
I stopped at three coffee shops on the way home, I was going to binge on chai.
Not every place offers almond milk and so I stopped at two new coffee houses to test their versions, only one of them had almond milk, so I drank that one as I traveled to a third caffeine house for another!
It was my vice, and I ate a bagel too, with hummus!
Crazy I know!

My desire to do the right thing has taken over my eating patterns these days and I find I am sometimes walking a fine line in an effort to not become obsessed with counting and reducing and restricting myself.

When I make a "bad food choice", I am also trying to not beat myself up over it.

Instead think what would have been a better choice.

It is hard, and takes effort.

I am very quick to be mean to myself, and relearning to be kind is a task indeed.

emilymcdowell.com

Ch Ch Changes

So remember way back in June I mentioned I got my blood tested and it triggered concern from my doctor about my cholesterol levels?
 I was all pissed and mad and ended up starting this yoga-addiction I am currently in?
I also:

stopped eating cheese
 stopped eating bread

stopped eating whole eggs
(eating only whites sometimes)

stopped eating ice cream

  stopped having the occasional drink

I started taking a vitamin daily and extra Vitamin D

I started to exercise 3-4times a week

I started eating only vegan 5-6 days a week (I am human for goodness sake)

I restricted everything that went into my mouth/body

 

joke: How can you tell someone is vegan?

a: don't worry they'll tell you 

my answer was : they are grumpy and want an ice cream

 

Well, I went back to the doc this month, as an advocate for myself and to see if I could eat goat cheese again and if any of these extreme changes was doing any good.
I mean, if this evil self experiment was really making no difference
what the fuck is the point of being miserable?
(with the food restrictions, not the yoga)
It turns out I am making changes, but the levels could drop some more.
My doctor told me "with all these measures for three months, I might be fighting "the inevitable"
A family history of high levels."
*sigh*
"If I want to stay off medicine for correcting it, keep doing what I am doing and add an Omega-3 supplement."
 *sigh*
and "BTW you have lost some real weight too...."
(well yeah, I can't eat anything fun anymore)
Can you tell I am a little bitter about this.

So here is where I turn lemons into lemonade:
I learned how to make "cheese" from nuts...well, cashew cheese.
I can now have a comfort "quesadilla"
I am learning to be that person who gets to live with a restricted diet,
I am choosing to accept it at this point.
I don't want to take medicine for cholesterol
Instead I get to take four big supplement pills with breakfast and my meals look like this:

Pistachio Mint Smoothie and a handful of almonds:
Local Pistachios, Fresh Mint Leaves, Banana, Agave
Nectar and Homemade Raw Sprouted Almond Mylk



My lunch box:
romaine, corn, lentil salad and homemade cashew cheese balls

dairy free/soy free yogurt, fresh berries and a vegan toaster waffle

my lemonade:

I got myself a
"congratulations on the three months strait of yoga girl,
those 4:30am wake-ups are a bitch "
dress from modcloth.
It is grey with little pink elephants in wine glasses all over it,
plus I am going to wear it to a wedding and
I had been drooling over for a long time, and even though
I didn't have the money for it,
I said FUCK I have had enough bullshit in my life to let that stop me.

SO The Barreness has taken control of my uterus, my family history has taken control of my food loves and now I am taking what I can back.
I am now a relectant vegan....ugh

and the results say...

 

After dealing with a mountain of nerves in the anticipation and an exploding stomach
(from said nerves)

I went and got my (self advocated) 6.5 month ultrasound recheck post surgery.

I travel to another nearby town to check into a hospital and have the most rockstar tech, Ms. Fabulous, perform my test. She is a transplant to the country and use to be a high risk pregnancy nurse. She is crazy compassionate and I have been talking with her for so many years now, we have shared portions of our stories while she is "wanding" me. She is also a teaching tech, so she often has other women techs with her. Yesterday was no exception...well yesterday was exceptional. I don't care for the exam, I am sure no one does, but after about 20 of them they don't bother me. I do not like the preparation bladder expansion portion, as I need to drive half an hour to get to the hospital, so the drive is me hoping that I have consumed enough water to blow up my bladder but no so much that I piss myself when I arrive.

Ms. Fabulous, got me into the room and introduced me to the tech, asked why I was there-you know the general stuff and when I told her about the surgery and I had two really bad cycles that scared me; I was self advocating and getting this exam to make sure nothing new was filling the space.

The tech looked at me and told me she had a cyst that took her ovary at 20, and that they did a c-section size surgery to remove the ovary. She was now past menopause and was glad to be done with the pain of endo. She told me she felt for me. (that was nice)

As Ms. Fabulous started the exam, we laughed chatted and she said she could see my "guys" which is what we call the fibroids (Ms Fabulous says cysts and fibroids are boys) then my uterus came on screen and I said "there is my girl!" She smiled and she typed uterus on the screen...the student asked if I had children...I said no, that is what my last 8 years was a quest for...but it didn't happen.

She was quiet. Then Ms Fabulous told me her mother called telling her that her daughter could not possibly be happy without children (Ms Fabulous doesn't have kids) we commiserated that parents often don't get it. I told her that my MIL told me she was disappointed we didn't adopt and that it was easy. The student piped in and said " UM no it is not, I adopted and it was one of the hardest longest things I did" I told her I told my MIL we couldn't bear another heartbreak.

We had formed a solidarity in that darkened room, with a wand up my vagina admiring my uterus that I have fought so hard to keep.

The very early unofficial reports are in, well according to my AMAZING ultrasound tech, she confirmed that my left ovary still has no additional growths.

She had a hard time finding my right ovary because

the endo has pulled it pretty far behind my uterus but she did.

She told me I had "small birth controlled ovaries", she said that she had to triple check as she has become so familiar with my endometrioma that she couldn't believe she was looking at my reproductive system.
I thanked her as always for sharing what she saw, that I never hold her to her word, as I know she is not suppose to say a thing...but I am so glad she does, because a weekend of worry is not healthy and she agrees. I left feeling strangely normal and unconcerned.
I had booked a massage to follow the ultrasound, as I knew I would be pretty worked up about it.
The masseuse, was OK, I am bruised today, which doesn't feel very relaxing...but I can float over that, as I am holding onto the potential good news for now.
The nurse from my doctors office should call with the results Monday or so and
say her famous first words to me:
"Hi honey it is me, well you have fibroids but you know that already...."
 

Waiting for that shoe

" the doctor will see you now Barreness"

 

I have yet to return to work, The Barren wanted me to take the full time and wait until I saw my doctor before heading back into the pit of chaos known as work.

These last few days have been filled with me trying to do more and more so that I could gain momentum, and the shock of a full workday and commute would be lessened.

I sat on my arse all day yesterday posting to my shop and writing a newsletter to my collectors and art colleagues so I am still relevant.

 

I am mostly trying to not think about tomorrows doctors appointment.

I really have no idea what to expect or what to prepare for.

 

The Viscountess came over the day before yesterday and spent the day here, she was a brave cowgirl and sat as passenger as I took to the wheel for the first time in two weeks. I ran some errands and she kept me company. It was nice, it kept me light and I felt like I could spoil her a little by picking up lunch and we sat and chatted as we ate.

I had left the room when her cell phone rang and only returned to hear her say to the person on the other end:

" well, we had a thing with our daughter. Yes, we thought she had ovarian cancer, but thankfully that was not the case. but they were able to tell her why they couldn't conceive.
Yes I am with her now, I will call you later "

 

It was hard to hear those words; it was hard to hear her have to say them.

This morning I got out of bed, tried not to puke and then took a shower.
As I had yet to see the doctor I still had to follow orders of:
 "not letting the spray directly hit your incisions"
Shower time is like twister...lots of bending into shapes that are not normal.
I got dressed and was able to button my jeans and headed to the appointment arriving ten minutes ahead of time. I was placed into a room that took my breath away:

creepy and very prepared for splashes

I was told to undress from the waist down and wait for the doctor on that chair.

It was icky and I was left alone longer then I should have been.

My doctor arrived and I mentioned to her " this is quite a room"

she agreed...and then went to tell me about the results.

I have stage four Endometriosis, she said

"you pretty much have really horrible horrible endometriosis"

She went on to tell me how my tubes are suppose to be in front of my uterus but they are behind it and twisted and fused to other bits of scar tissue. She went over the pictures she took with me.

I thanked her for saving my ovary and she was gracious about that.

I asked if any pathology was done on the cyst and she said yes:

It all came back benign and no signs of cancer.

I was happy....

then she mentioned again my fertility, my mood went into " mask mode"

She told me that although there was soooo much scar tissue, there was really nothing she could do to improve my chances of conceiving. She was sorry about that, she then said " you kind of got a double whammy, with this level of endometriosis and the septum in the uterus..."

I told her I understood and thanked her.

She assured me that I was calling the shots, that unless another cyst formed (which is decreased now that I am on BCP) there is no need for further surgery. She mentioned that if pain returned she had a three stage plan to address it and the last step is chemical menopause, not hysterectomy.

In some ways I was glad to hear that.

I just need to stay on BCP until menopause...which I wonder how you would know that menopause had started if you are ...anyways...another topic for another day far off in the future.

She assured me that endometriosis was not hereditary and that if my niece complains of painful periods, push to get her on the pill to preserve her reproductive tract.

That will be an interesting day...she is only 8 now...but I will fight for her.

 

My button is starting to open, like a sick and twisted bud of a flower....

She looked at my incisions and agreed that I had a pool of surgical glue in my belly button and that I could pick at it if I wanted to...ick! and then said I was ok to go back to being me slowly.

When I asked if I could have sex, she asked me how many days since surgery? 14 today...yeah that should be fine if I felt like it.

I told her I was having the most amazing dreams...she laughed and said gotta love that little extra bit of estrogen....

I had a dream I was winning porn actress of the year and my parents were there, but I didn't want them to see me on stage so I kept coming out and telling them the updates of the awards show.

 it was STRANGE!

 

I left the appointment in a daze, shell shocked and not sure where to place all these feelings.

Grateful beyond words, for being cancer free...but devastated so deeply at the real gritty reality of my fertility. I wandered the mall alone for a couple hours just walking and window gazing. It seemed like an easy way to just walk it out, process bits...and not collapse into a puddle.

 

So much to process