Stagnation

 

This is how I spend my hours in the infusion chair. I take selfies and snooze.

I am currently trying to make some art....my end of year submission is due at the end of the month and I am finding myself struggling to focus, be inspired and motivated into making something interesting.

I have given myself grace, space and time...and yet I am feeling like I am trying to pull from an empty vessel. I am exercising, watching what I eat, trying to get solid sleep, reading things that are interesting and yet I am still coping with what seems like artistic blocks.

I am struggling with negative self talk, I have set firm boundaries for time to sit and try and work...and here I am, writing and not making some kind of artwork. 

I have recently come to terms with:

 the reality of being someone with multiple hidden chronic diseases

My relationship with my parents has broken in a new way, and despite my kindest, most tender efforts my father mentioned this in therapy yesterday: "he and his wife have been "parented" by their grown children since his head injury and... they are in the middle of a falling out with their daughter"

I remember in my grief therapy many years ago, one of the things I tried to resolve was not being heard. Some of my earliest memories were feelings of always being dismissed and told I was being overly emotional or silly. I must need a nap or need to sit and think about what it is I wanted...I was often angry and crying from frustration. I learned that what it actually it was because no one heard me or listened to me. So I would scream and slam doors, and then get in trouble.

This feels a lot like that.

I told The Barren the other day, that I realize this is my role with my parents now. I don't have to like it, but I also know that my parents don't want to be accountable for themselves or choices. So if something needs to be done, and I mention that it might be a good idea to think about it, their response is: 

"well, I guess I'll do it because if I don't I'll be in "trouble" with her, so fine I'll make that appointment or not climb that ladder to sweep the roof"

My brother does not get this response.

It hurts and I mostly want to cry, but it won't change anything. My father will not remember the conversation a couple days later and my mother clearly won't either. So now, I just use a flat voice with conversations on the phone and simply deliver information about doctors appointments for my father, or make Mmm Hmm sounds, stating no words of agreement or disagreement when my mother decides or remembers to call me. At the end of each random call, I ask if there is anything I can assist with and am always told no. So I leave it there.

I am getting my infusions every 8 weeks now, and they are taking 3 hours. I have to stay afterwards because my blood pressure drops and makes the infusion nurse anxious. So I sit and wiggle my feet for a few moments afterwards and my blood pressure goes up enough to be dismissed. While sitting there, I snooze, take selfies, look at social media and text The Barren updates on how thigs are going. It is horribly boring but early bloodwork results show that it might be working.

I have been doing my yoga practice four days a week and meditation one day a week. All of my classes are heated, and half of them are weighted. I have upped my protein levels in my diet as I read that it is recommended for Crohns and Colitis disease. It has become quite a full time job and I am doing all I can to not slip into disordered eating patterns.

***************************

update

I finally made some artwork and submitted it Friday. I will know in the next couple weeks if something caught the curators eye enough to invite me to exhibit again this year. I was able to turn work in ahead of the deadline and have spent the last couple of days relaxing my brain and revisiting the idea of a more organic method of artmaking....instead of chasing a deadline.

I am proud of myself for giving everything I had to give to the project and turn in four brand new works for consideration.

Many anniversaries are in this week...

The 30th is the anniversary of my dear animal companion: 2020

One of my miscarriage's is the 30th as well

and then our Wedding Anniversary, 22years married, 32 years together

We are both so rattled, I have a feeling it will end up being a meal and a sunset drive. 

The Barren mentioned last night that he is really grabbing at straws for ideas...and I know what that feels like. We have been massively distracted with everything else life is throwing into our faces. We have had to make plans to travel for a family trip at the end of next month, to visit dying family. It will be like family gatherings of the past where we drive for the entire day just to get half way to where we need to be.....and those arrangements have taken all our mental energy. We are both quite anxious about it and the election is weighing so heavy in out minds and hearts...we are having a hard time focusing on anything other than just functioning. So our wedding anniversary has taken the back seat again...honestly, just spending time away from his office is gift enough for me.

I am feeling a lot

thinking a lot

and trying to stay upbeat for his sake

really we are just treading water.

Smiles and kisses above the water and absolute chaos below the surface.

                                     

Bound

 

You have got to be kidding me...

I went for an MRI this morning, the doctor is wanting to knock something else of the horrible list.

I have had MRIs before, more times than I'd like, but all seemingly necessary.

Today though, today I had a problem.

I arrived ahead of time, got in right away...and in a great shift, was not required to drink strange "juices" or volunteer a vein for glowing fluids.

Instead it was a strait "let the magnets take the photos" kind of MRI.

I went in, relaxed and un-phased and was in my double gown situation (one put on forward and one backwards to avoid any peep show) and sat on the MRI bench and was then told that I'd be heading into the machine head first and backwards....I was strapped in, arms bound at my side and elevated and inserted into the machine....one of the techs said..." are you okay" and I said "NO, No I am NOT okay...."

to which I was pulled out of the machine, and had to catch my breath.

I was having a FULL BLOWN PANIC attack

I asked to look back at the machine, so I could "confirm I was not going into a sarcophagus" 

I did a quick scan of what was triggering me and asked....

"Can I release my arms?"...it was allowed and one of the techs asked if maybe a towel over my eyes would help, I agreed to that.

I was very thankful for the kindness and I apologized a million times, to which they said all was fine.

I was asked if it was better, I said yes and back into the machine I went to complete the test.

It was a half hour of booming an clanking noises...breathing exercises and then I was done.

I thanked them again...got dressed and left. 

Shuffled off to my car and cried.

I was mortified, embarrassed and suddenly understood why horses are given blinders.

The less I could see, the safer I felt.

Counter intuitive to my years of meditation, I needed to massively disassociate.

Ostrich myself to not feel bound and threatened.

I had my second infusion this week, I had a breakthrough pain episode this week, I had a massive deadline this week and then this MRI.

Maybe I really needed to just hide, maybe all of this is overwhelming...

maybe I do need to escape.

My 20th wedding anniversary is Tuesday

We have a night at a local boutique hotel booked, but we are both at a loss.

We can't travel right now, we can't break away just yet, it is all in the air.

BUT, we are gonna have time together and in a different bed.

It is also the anniversary of our first miscarriage and a death anniversary of a beloved pet.

We were social yesterday, going to a family event to carve pumpkins, and then follow it with a Halloween adults only party...but everyone was talking about their kids and how it is having teenagers or younger kiddos.

The Barren and I just exchanged looks most of the time and 

nodded and said "oh my, yeah that sounds difficult"

These days have me mentally bound too.

I reminisce on the days that we had hoped for, the times that were supposed to happen.

Our G-daughter is the age of our star child, she is a physical reminder of passing time.

I adore this time of year, the wind down with joyful punctuations of celebration. 

Building our memory space for Dia De Los Muertos today, I placed a doll amongst the photos of family long gone. Marigolds line the edge of the space, a figurine of a black dog to guide the spirits, candles to light the way. Joyful calaveras to help with the celebration. I made a space to remember our beloved animal companions who are no longer with us.

After everything is in place...

Something magical happens in the quiet of the house, after we put out drinks and food for the spirits...the house feels full, a place of calm and filled with love.

There is no sadness, our minds fill with happy memories of those visiting.

Maybe I'll hide (stick my head in the clouds) for a few days with my sweetie, forget all that is required of me, forget all the doctors appointments, the state of the world, the general malaise and 

simply float in those unbound moments of what if.

Wishing you all an unbound hallows eve

celebrate your personal magic

because you ARE magical

The other side

The freeway is open again after it being closed for 2 weeks.

21 of the 23 missing are accounted for and deceased.

The final two are children, a 2 year old and a 16 year old

The search dogs are still seeking and are still hoping to find them.

It has been a surreal experience to say the least. 

Even as someone on the outer edges of the actual event.

Our towns are small and friendly and everyone knows someone.

I mean EVERYONE knows someone.

I was away from my yoga community for two weeks and it felt like an eternity.

I got a couple emails checking on me and seeing how I was on the other side of the mud

I took the train into work once, as it was allowed through the slide area, but not automobiles.

It was a 12 hour process from start to finish for a 40 mile commute and 6.5 hour workday

I spent most of my time think and hoping that search and rescue would continue to find people.

I also finished some artwork that is opening in a museum show next weekend.

That time was a gift, as I was able to work on it almost uninterrupted and without concern.

A local yoga studio opened last week, and I had purchased around Xmas a pre-opening special pass for a month of unlimited classes. So I was thankful to get into a studio to practice and work my kinks out. My whole body ached, my mind went to dark places way to quickly and I was not sleeping much at all. I was glad to get into the first class this last Friday and then again on Sunday.

I was able to drive to work on Monday and did yoga at my normal studio and it was strange 

(I can not find the right word to describe the new reality).

A lot of the people in class are still evacuated from their homes, and I heard more stories of loss and lives gone and last moments.

It was like having a javelin thrown into my chest over and over again.

My job was to simply listen and hug and listen some more.

I was glad to be among my community, and even though I could feel the pain and sadness it was still nice to be able to be there for people and with people.

A comfort of sorts for my bruised heart.

It has been quite a whirlwind of stress these last couple of months!

Fire and rains and mudslides.

I do feel like as the little sprouts of green start to appear on the hillsides across the street, that things are beginning again, regardless if we are all ready. 

I am thankful for that reminder from Mother Nature, as bittersweet as it is.

I remember when my bruises and puncture wounds began to heal on my body; I was sad that there were no longer external signs of the suffering from infertility. 

Instead it was reminding me to be thankful that my body is still powerful and capable of healing.

 In the same way, our hillsides are starting that same process, of healing themselves again. 

That is to be applauded and admired.

Recap of a moment in time

I made it past so many milestones these last few weeks...

I am amazed at myself.

I am still standing...and I really believe that I can say I am firmly planted.

my view of the crowd and cameras and newspaper people

I survived the speaking engagement, turns out it was me and two museum directors!

No other artists on the panel, so I indeed offered a unique perspective.

It was an extra credit kind of thing, so the people who were not looking at their phones the whole time were kind of listening. I had super prepared and was quoted in the school paper complete with some unflattering photos:

The Barreness, a photographer and printmaker shared her experience with rejection, but she describes having her work accepted as magical and validating “Rejection is a massive part of the career, “Be stubborn about your goals and flexible about your methods.”She advises to learn how to do everything— to understand what’s being made in the community, to go to art galleries and read books."

So that happened and is past me. The Barren surprised me and came to the event, and sat across the hall opposite of me, so he could give me ques about speaking up and cheer me on. I was beyond touched and felt so very loved and supported and surprised. 

Next was my miscarriage anniversary, and I was quiet most of the day, but I felt stronger than years past, although it might not of appeared that way from the outside. A few people mentioned just how exhausted I looked. The Barren checked in with me a couple of times, and made a suggestion that to better live with the day, maybe I should consider treating it differently; think of it differently. Instead of mourning the loss, think of it more like a journey, or the start of one. Our little star child was released to be whomever they were meant to be with us and it created the magic that allows them to whisper in our ears when our heart is heavy or come to us in our dreams when I need to imagine what they might have looked like... As a reassurance of them always being with us. 

I am working on that....but I can see the long-term benefit of it. 

A healthier heart and lighter soul, for us all.

**********************************************************************

Then there was Halloween and a chance to dress up as a longtime hero:

Guerrilla Girl

                   Considering I am allergic to latex this was an act of bravery and admiration!                                                   I loved slipping into this persona and feeling strong and smarter than normal and ready to take on the world!

We made dinner and turned off the porch lights and binged watched Stranger Things season 2...it was the perfect Halloween, there was even rowdy teenagers outside looking for trouble and candy and tummy-aches.

Then our wedding anniversary! 

Whew...25years together and 15 married...crazy crazy and ooooh so thankful and grateful and wonderful. My heart is beyond full when I think of the The Barren. He is truly a match made in heaven for me. He got me a crystal ball, so I could see our long and happy lives 💖 I mean REALLY!!

Now I am left to wonder what the rest of the year holds...I am beyond most of the timelines and deadlines...so really in a free-fall again to make any kind of art I want. I am also scrambling to make some cash, I have made crafty things, placed affordable art in some gallery spaces...hoping hard that someone wants to shop and become an art collector.  I can say that although things are dry it is not from lack of trying.  I am firmly planted now...Just fine tuning and growing.

Yoga anniversary

Ok, So I try REALLY HARD to not evangelize yoga....
I never want to sound like this....but it is funny as all hell

This last week I celebrated my 4th yogaiversary
I have been going to yoga three to four times a week for four years now!
It is the longest I have ever participated in an activity and still want to go.
This is amazing to me.

what!? are those muscles!!!
extended side angle with a double bind

I started yoga because a couple ladies I know wanted to try it
...I am the only one practicing.

When I began I was just out of my stage 4 endo diagnosis and wanted to find a way to start and reclaim my body back. I was in incredible pain from my cycles
and my back was weak and I felt broken
...just totally broken.

I started to see a difference in the first three months, I was able to mange cycle pain better.
I learned how to breathe more effectively and move my body.
I can manage stress (physical and emotional) better.

I am stronger and feel like I am in control of my body again
I can't do everything I want YET in class,
as I am still figuring out what my endo has seized up and what I can work through
...and what I can mentally believe I can do;
because it really is an exercise of the ego.

I can look at myself in the mirror while practicing,
but I will never be a front row person and I am ok with that.
I can practice next to a visually pregnant woman and not cry or focus on my loss.
I continue to do yoga in strange places at home (like above) and in public places where when I feel stress I do "lions breath" and make The Barren laugh.
I know my tummy will never be flat, no matter how many situps and how much food I restrict,
I carry the visual reminder of my losses in my belly, presenting at 10weeks forever.
I am embracing that too.

I thank my body after every class for being able to heal and move and breathe.
I like feeling strong
I am pretty proud of me right now and I simply wanted to mark this with a post.
I am tooting my own horn
and that is OK too sometimes

Anniversary-many years later

It is the anniversary of my 1st of three miscarriages on tomorrow

and then 

It is our wedding anniversary on Tuesday

We will be celebrating 24years together and 14years married. 

In the meantime I am quiet...I feel kind of sideswiped/wounded.
I woke up feeling okay,
started about my day, but something feels off.

Muscle memory maybe?

My heart has been beating along as normal.
but there is a heaviness.

As of late, I have been referring to our never to be child as our star child.
Made of love and stardust.
It is in an effort to include them as a element into our living lives,
but understand that they are not physically here,
but still able to be seen and felt deeply.
The Barren seems to be okay with this new development.
I think this is me hoping it is another step towards feeling alright.

I am set to work a photo-shoot tomorrow, doing a family shoot for a friend with a toddler.
The one who named her child the name we had secretly picked for our own child.

I assume after the job is done, I will need a nap or a drink or both wrapped in a cuddle.

Even after all these years, I still feel it so deeply.
but....
One thing I do differently, is that I give myself space now to feel it.
Feel all of it, deep and dark and big and bright.

That is the reminder of stardust.

Time marches on

Source

Ducklings in paper dresses....lets start here.

Okay

I have been wanting to write here.

I just got back from a weekend visit with my bestie.

We live several hundred miles apart and so visiting often is quite involved.

This time, we made arrangements a month+ ahead of time 

and I got an AirBnB 

and had The Barren take an extra day off to recover from the travel time.

When we arrived we hit the ground running.

My bestie talked my ear off <3 p="">

She was sooooooooo excited to see me that she just kept talking and talking and talking....

It was great and exhausting.

I ate like a queen, 

and covered The Barren in kisses of appreciation 

for making and supporting the time away.

The Barren was recovering/processing of sorts, 

from a sudden and unexpected death of a coworker.
This time together was needed.

We spent the time away talking and being quiet and just being.

Bestie has a child, who we are close with and who is the most well adjusted 

young person I have ever known.

He is an only child and has been treated as a human from day one 

and it is reflected in his mood and demeanor.

The Barren and I are listed as caregivers should something horrible happen to his parents.

He was able to choose, and we were happy to be those people for him.

So it is all legal and stuff...

He is growing up fast and has landed firmly into tweenhood

Time marches on

I got this photo in my email today:

"do you recognize the blanket"

I made that blanket for her older brother as a baby shower gift.

It was a reminder of how far down this road I have traveled.

How long ago I was making blankets for friends babies, and wishing for my own.

Like a moving meditation, make a blanket, earn more points to me getting a baby of my own.

The above child was conceived while I was having miscarriages and I threw her mother a shower, thinking I could still do it all. 

Once this little lady was born, I told her mom (who I've known since we were 14yrs old)

that I could not be what she needed of me...

she has respected that and we send hellos every once in a while.

Time marches on

Then today I also got an email asking if someone could use an image from my Infertility Art Exhibition....this exhibition was 6 years ago and I am still getting requests for image use.

AMAZING

time marches on

Here I am three weeks away from my first miscarriage anniversary and I am getting reminders of how long ago we left the path for parenthood but also how far we have traveled.
Time marches on

Thankful Thursday-Personal Goals

OK I am first to admit my personal goals are sometimes small and seem REALLY silly,

BUT

Today I met a personal goal.

I am in the middle of my period week, 

usually a day I am laid up and under the influence of a pain pill and bad television. 

Instead this morning, I got up and went to yoga.

It turned out that we had a substitute and it was a really challenging class, and I made it through.

I was in no pain, panting yes, but I didn't bleed out of my clothes and in fact I feel pretty darn alright!

I was even able to do a real version of this pose....

it has taken about a year and a half...and I might have been a little closer to the floor.....

but

my string bean arms are learning that I mean business and I want to be able to do a real push up. 

HELL YEAH!!

yoga love

I know that it looks like no big deal, but I am someone who has NEVER been able to do a push-up or pull-up so this turns out to be a BIG deal for me.

I am also happy to report that The Barren is still at it...

he is in his second week of running and I am so so so proud of him! 

I am reclaiming my body, I am dropping the protective layers I had built for so many years!

I am fine, I am whole...and getting stronger everyday.

Even when I feel unstable or unsure, I am growing stronger and more sure.

My feet are firmly planted on the ground.

10 years ago today, our goddaughter was born, and I attended the birth.

Watching her take her first breath, 

while trying to breath between my own mind-numbing menstrual pain.

three days later I was in the ER with a 10mm corpus luteum and a doctor asking us if we were done making babies. Our goddaughter had always been a marker of the start of the downfall.

 Last night we gave her a gift and listened to her tell us her birthday plans.

I was not remembering the pain or the sorrow...

I was lost in her joy.

We are slowing looking at other versions of ourselves. 

We are trying new things with our bodies and re-thinking our self-imposed restrictions.

This weekend is the anniversary of the day we asked each other to marry each other.

I am so thankful that my vision was so clear to ask The Barren to marry me.

I am so thankful that we are taking this journey together.

I am so thankful that we are each others cheerleaders.

I am so thankful

What the funking groovin ?!

I am not sure what is happening, but something clearly is....

I went on a run with The Barren this morning.

I am not a runner, I do not like running and I never have. 

In fact, my mother use to write notes under my direction everyday to the PE teacher blaming everything from cramps and growing pains to my favorite " I was not designed to run"

I use to walk the mile every time it was was required...always coming in last proudly.

When we lived in a hot climate, I told the teacher I would get heat stroke if I exerted myself any further than walking.

But this morning, as an act of encouragement I did the first day of a "couch to 5k" routine 

Mind you, I only signed up for a week, to jump start his new routine, because when I started my practice I had a friend with me too.

In the wake of this adventure this morning, I am feeling quite..... well, proud.

The program has you gently moving from 60 seconds of running and 

90 seconds of walking to a 5k run after about 9 weeks.

The Barren wanted to try this out and I want to support him...so I guess I will be running when I am not doing yoga.

It is a win win.

Our adventure this last weekend was filled with adventure

We ventured into the BIG CITY once again as The Barren heard that these

women were going to be in attendance at a big BOOK FAIR!!

I have been a HUGE fan and disciple since I was in high school.

In fact I have this xeroxed poster on my wall still, complete with pin holes from years of wall displays.

I got m fangirl photo and was on cloud nine for quite a while!

The fair was a bibliophiles wet dream, 250 displays from independent presses, big printers and everything in between!

We both bought a bunch of stuff....and scored some great things!

There was, much to both our surprise, a lot of pornography.

Like everywhere and in all sorts of different forms. 

We had a lively discussion about how would we navigate a small person through this show? It lead to me asking several of our friends this same question...

How would you deal with a 60foot wall of film stills from a porn movies? or If you saw a poster of an erect penis with condom on it how would you react with little person? Or Hey there was a picture book on display from a gay publisher on leather bondage and play...would you allow the little to see it? Or how would you navigate it?

Some of my favorites:

A tiny book on the many ways of the Potato!

Adorable sweet little book

You can get your own here

I stopped at a booth that had vintage mugshot cards from 1910 or so, and was drooling over them, but we both agreed that $150.00 each was a bit spendy. So I took a photo instead:

There were also vintage first edition art books and photo book publishers

Ephemera from the late 70's/80's punk rock scene...complete with jackets covered in band patches.

Kill your idols/Ginko press booth
note the wall of punk singers!

I also stopped into this bus, as I dream of having an art bus like this.

In it I made a purchase of this Poster:

Poster by Peter Nevins

All in all it was a visual overload day, amazing and fun and I met an oscar nominated person face to face by acting like a dork.

We also saw this person and this person at breakfast.

Lunch had more people watching and then our drive home was quiet.

We were spent. Nap anyone?!

 dinner was Indian take-out and we both fell into a coma like slumber.

Now, now we are adventure people, we are free movers and deep thinkers

I am inspired and have already thought about publishing

 my Infertility show in book form this year, as it will be it's fifth anniversary!

That is inspiring!!

That is hopeful

That is growth!

Remembered and Celebrated

Source Elizabeth Gilbert facebook page

If you haven't seen her TED talk about being a creative person

drop everything and spend the next 20min being enlightened HERE

 

the amazing sunset

 

I did something different this year and asked the Barren to join me on the anniversary of our first loss

to have a moment of quiet or reflection...

to just take a moment of the day together

and think of the little person that never manifested into a breathing being.

He of course agreed, and we took a sunset drive and ended up having dinner in a neighboring city to get away from the house.

The sunset did not disappoint and with the warm wind and sea air it felt as though we were cleansed.

I had taken time earlier that day to sit and meditate, it helped a lot to center my emotions and sit them into a more blissful state...sorrow seemed to be wrong choice and when I started to cry I found I was laughing as well. It was amazing and radiant.

 

We spent time talking quietly and toasting the ones that could not be with us.

I drank too much to drive and spent the car ride home in a marshmallow of thoughts and giggles.

We celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary (22 years together) two days later.

What a wild ride it has been with this amazing man.

When we woke up on our anniversary, I asked the Barren if it felt like 12years,

he said no, it just feels like it has always been like this.

We have always been together.



Away I go

image

Salutation Saturday

One year ago today I had my surgery.

I know a lot of people on the internets are doing a month of gratitude.

I think it is great and if a call for bloggers or facebookers to write every day what you are

grateful for makes the world a more grateful one...then whooo ha!

 

I think I do a lot of reflection daily on things I am happy about, grateful for and looking to evolve.

So this is a little different.

 

In reflection of this last year:

I am glad I listened to my Primary care doc and got a second opinion

I am happy I found my cowgirl surgeon

I am happy that they developed the CA125 test

I am glad the Japanese researchers published their findings about chocolate cysts

I am thankful that she sat down and gave it to me strait

I feel badly that she had to eat crow when she was

convinced that this might "fix our fertility problems" 

I am glad that it rained that morning

I am grateful beyond words that my Barren was beside me

until the moment they took me into the OR

I am beyond thankful that my oldest friend dropped everything to be here to hold my hand.

I am so happy that my surgeon was skilled and saved my tubes and ovary for me

I am without words happy that she caught it before it became cancer

I am grateful that my body was able to heal well and return to being mine

I am thankful that a year later I am sitting here

Lighter, Happier and healthier then last

 

I am manifesting my new destiny

I am focusing on my desires for this life,

I am so thankful for what I am building

I am making art

I am meditating

I am happier

I have said goodbye to my guilt

It is such a relief, such a massive relief

Thank you

image

 

Thank you for the kind words about my anniversary.

The Barren and I spent time together hugging and kissing and shaking our heads in disbelief.

You see although we have only been married 11years, we have been together over half our lives.

It is pretty crazy and not a day goes by that I don't reflect on how lucky I was to meet the right person at the right time and then never let go.

 

Remembering

photo: Henri Cartier-Bresson

 

Yesterday was the anniversary of my first of three miscarriages.

I carried this reminder with me all day.

I awoke in the dark and quiet and got dressed.

Cats trailing me like shadows.

I drove in the dark to yoga, and set my intention to be kind to myself.

I focused inward during my practice and felt open afterwards.

My heart wide open, and I could feel the morning air flow through my lungs.

My chest felt uplifted and vulnerable.

I showered and went to get juice.

Quietly stepping over a man sleeping in the early morning dawn on the cement.

(he was someone's baby many days ago, he was someone's little boy....)

 I got a juice for The Barren and caught him before he entered work.

He was already frustrated and huffy before seeing me, and me handing him juice, which was not what he wanted had him roll his eyes and snapped his first words to me.

I held back tears as I told him I hoped his day would be better.

He saw this and lowered his head as he entered the building, like deflated balloon.

With tears brimming, I put a smile on my face and drove away hoping he would not see the arrow sticking out from my chest.

He called and asked me to tell him why I was crying...I was scared to upset his day more and said I was fine. He kept poking and I told him I was tip toe-ing away as he was clearly already mad and I didn't want to feed into it. I told him I loved him and he said he loved me

 and then we hung up to get back to work.

 

Ten minutes later this text arrived:

You are my heart and my soul and the inspiration and sustenance of my flesh.

Mornings like this where we stumble and trip and get caught on the roots of fear and confusion are one of my great pains in my life. I'm sorry. 

 

 

As the day passed I thought of him and how relationships take work.

Sometimes the way you express love is not seen as expressions of love by the other person but simply actions. So the real work in a long relationship is finding the right language/expressions when you want to show love.

 

We joined family that night to carve pumpkins.

By the time The Barren arrived and I had already cleaned the guts out of his pumpkin,

as I know he is not fond of that.

I watched my niece and nephew jab, saw, and carve their pumpkins, focused on creating a master  piece of a lantern! 

I drew a silly simple design on mine.

My pumpkin carving has been lacking these last few years...

We all ate together and as the night grew, The Barren was handed our newest niece to hold.

I saw him hesitate for a moment and then relax into it, our niece put her head on his chest and I could see him relax and then feel the bittersweet radiate from him.

He handed the little lady to me and I sat her to face us.

 The Earl (my brother) watched on...making sure we were holding her OK.

There was a strange quiet that fell over the room, or maybe I stopping hearing anything...

Our other niece sat on my other side and I realized for a moment that I was holding a baby, sitting next to my hubby, and had another child on the other side of me. The Barren made faces and cooed, gentling touching her arms and fingers commenting on how soft her skin was.

Like he was discovering it for the first time.

She eventually went back to her parents and we eventually drove home.

 

At home he asked how it was to hold her, I told him I was fine with it. How was he?

He said it was weird but alright in a way.

He asked how my day was, alright aside from our rough start to it.

I told him I was feeling very open and raw;

I was carrying an anniversary with me that at times during the day felt heavy.

He realized what I was talking about and said he was sorry he didn't remember.

I didn't expect him to remember, me reminding him was all he needed,

all he could really bear at this time.

 

Our wedding anniversary is a couple days away, so we shifted our conversation to that.

How we wanted to make a grand romantic gesture for each other but were coming up empty.

It is feeling a little melancholy these days;  a lock down at work so no one can take days off this coming month, the pressure of the year ending

and the absolute NEED for some time away/tuning out.

 

This morning in class, in the dark, I spoke to my babies.

I told them I loved them and that I was sorry we never got to hug each other.

I know we both could use that about now.

Autumn reflections

It is October... already!

I received a note on my social media page that was sending well wishes to me,

as October is pregnancy loss month.

It was a loving gesture that was totally unexpected

and in all frankness shook me a little first thing in the morning.

 

This is indeed the month when we had the first of our miscarriages.

I will carry that with me forever; I just wasn't expecting someone else to remember it too.

As I was in class this morning, I started to reflect on where I am now, at present, in my life.

 

I think that I am another step back, further from the center of it all. 

I started reading where I was a few years ago and how saturated in sorrow I lived, daily, alone.

Now I seem to be grieving for that person, the person so lost in sorrow it is hard to breathe.

The girl lost in daydreams of a baby.

 I feel so deeply for her,

and want to make her feel better.

Then I remember that I am her/that was me. 

Is that growth, recovery, coming to terms?

I am not sure

I am not living there anymore, I am simply living.
For real; my eyes are open, I am present.
I think that as this year since surgery arrives I realize that I have been freed from guilt.
I was left feeling this was never my doing, I hadn't left a stone unexplored.
So I was allowed to walk again.
Now it is me against a disease; not me against will or desire or drive.
That places a lot of power back into my hands.
So is it growth, or recovery or coming to terms I am still not sure but I am exploring it all.
As I see that girl who was, I embrace her and whisper in her ear...
you did not do this to yourself.
this was never your fault
you were never meant to carry that weight
 

Three years ago today

Today is the anniversary of my infertility art exhibition.

It opened three years ago, and I was terrified that people would be less than kind about my vision.

There were a few mean comments, some left in my visitor book, some delivered to me personally face to face; BUT the majority of the comments were sweet, kind, heartfelt and honest.

It changed me forever.

 

As I reflect on this day, I am thankful beyond words to be where I am now.

Although I am still infertile and I am still not going to be a parent in this lifetime.

I am also still married to my AMAZING wonderful Barren.

We are understanding and coming into ourselves as grown up kids

We are still asking questions and exploring what we want.

BUT

I am no longer scared or ashamed of my Barreness

I am not thinking of myself as first The Barreness and then all the other qualities of myself.

I am healing my perception of my body.

I am able to look at myself in the mirror and not be mad at my reflection.

I am not only my twisted and fused  reproductive system

I am growing

I am whole

I am strong

I am smiling

 

and the results say...

 

After dealing with a mountain of nerves in the anticipation and an exploding stomach
(from said nerves)

I went and got my (self advocated) 6.5 month ultrasound recheck post surgery.

I travel to another nearby town to check into a hospital and have the most rockstar tech, Ms. Fabulous, perform my test. She is a transplant to the country and use to be a high risk pregnancy nurse. She is crazy compassionate and I have been talking with her for so many years now, we have shared portions of our stories while she is "wanding" me. She is also a teaching tech, so she often has other women techs with her. Yesterday was no exception...well yesterday was exceptional. I don't care for the exam, I am sure no one does, but after about 20 of them they don't bother me. I do not like the preparation bladder expansion portion, as I need to drive half an hour to get to the hospital, so the drive is me hoping that I have consumed enough water to blow up my bladder but no so much that I piss myself when I arrive.

Ms. Fabulous, got me into the room and introduced me to the tech, asked why I was there-you know the general stuff and when I told her about the surgery and I had two really bad cycles that scared me; I was self advocating and getting this exam to make sure nothing new was filling the space.

The tech looked at me and told me she had a cyst that took her ovary at 20, and that they did a c-section size surgery to remove the ovary. She was now past menopause and was glad to be done with the pain of endo. She told me she felt for me. (that was nice)

As Ms. Fabulous started the exam, we laughed chatted and she said she could see my "guys" which is what we call the fibroids (Ms Fabulous says cysts and fibroids are boys) then my uterus came on screen and I said "there is my girl!" She smiled and she typed uterus on the screen...the student asked if I had children...I said no, that is what my last 8 years was a quest for...but it didn't happen.

She was quiet. Then Ms Fabulous told me her mother called telling her that her daughter could not possibly be happy without children (Ms Fabulous doesn't have kids) we commiserated that parents often don't get it. I told her that my MIL told me she was disappointed we didn't adopt and that it was easy. The student piped in and said " UM no it is not, I adopted and it was one of the hardest longest things I did" I told her I told my MIL we couldn't bear another heartbreak.

We had formed a solidarity in that darkened room, with a wand up my vagina admiring my uterus that I have fought so hard to keep.

The very early unofficial reports are in, well according to my AMAZING ultrasound tech, she confirmed that my left ovary still has no additional growths.

She had a hard time finding my right ovary because

the endo has pulled it pretty far behind my uterus but she did.

She told me I had "small birth controlled ovaries", she said that she had to triple check as she has become so familiar with my endometrioma that she couldn't believe she was looking at my reproductive system.
I thanked her as always for sharing what she saw, that I never hold her to her word, as I know she is not suppose to say a thing...but I am so glad she does, because a weekend of worry is not healthy and she agrees. I left feeling strangely normal and unconcerned.
I had booked a massage to follow the ultrasound, as I knew I would be pretty worked up about it.
The masseuse, was OK, I am bruised today, which doesn't feel very relaxing...but I can float over that, as I am holding onto the potential good news for now.
The nurse from my doctors office should call with the results Monday or so and
say her famous first words to me:
"Hi honey it is me, well you have fibroids but you know that already...."
 

Empty-NIAW 2013

In honor of NIAW I have decided to post something I wrote two years ago:

Emptiness- containing nothing

Infertility left a hole in me. I was left as shell of myself for some time.

The first sign that something was wrong arrived while I was at work…I got a frantic phone call from my doctor just two hours after my first pelvic ultrasound. “Um… there is a fairly large unknown growth that appears to be in your bladder and we are not sure exactly what it is. So I need to you see a gynecological oncologist, an urologist and get a CT scan in the next day or so”.  I worked at a warehouse and so while she is feeding me a list of numbers and phrases over the phone, I was simply seeking a quiet place to hear all she was saying. When she was done, I couldn’t move; but when I did I shot out the door as fast as I could in hopes no one would see the flood of tears that would be my last for a long while.

I became a pin cushion, I was probed and prodded for months, years…some people were skilled and left no marks, others left bruises, rashes and scar tissue.

I was submissive through this all.

As the months passed, something shifted and I felt nothing; no pain, no joy, no happiness… nothing. Food was not enjoyable; friends were of no comfort. I spent time staring into space, watching the walls be white. I commuted 45 miles to work daily, and often times would find myself at work not remembering how I got there, even though I had driven myself. It took great effort to make easy decisions, like which cereal to buy for breakfast. I was on auto pilot.

I was able to dress myself, bath myself and eat, but I was not there for it.

I stopped expressing emotions; I didn’t laugh, get angry or cry. I was a shell, it was me to all appearances, but no one was home.

“The stork has been visiting- 2007

I visited her at the hospital, and cried on the way there. Mourning as I drove closer and closer...
The night I received her call, I dozed off with my arms wrapped around my invisible baby...wanting so badly to wake from this horrible dream I am in.

I felt like Dumbo's mama watching all the other mothers receive their babies.

I have not slept well and had a panic attack in the shower this morning...feeling as though I would faint. I fought the collapse, because I didn't want to frighten my husband in the early hour.

Sadly, it would have been very easy to surrender to the dark.”  Text from BARREN: life on infertile soil

As my bruises healed I was left with the stark reality of having no external symbols of my pain, my heartbreak, my existence.

How would anyone know what was happening…

Bumpy, frumpy

I think I have hit a bump...I am feeling a little blue.

Like something is missing or I have forgotten something.

I have chosen to not wash my hair daily...my body yes, but not my hair...which means

I get to create new and exciting hairstyles to hide the shiny look.

Why? because I just don't seem to have it in me.

*sigh*

 

I went to my women's business meeting last week, only to find that only one other woman could make it. What is normally a night of professional conversations about work and goals and business objectives; ended up being an hour and a half of me listening to this dear woman, spill her heart out all over the table and onto the floor.

She is no longer happy with her long term relationship, she maybe wants to have a baby, she turns 30 this year. She told me about her childhood, the death of her parents, the journey to where she is now. The journey she hopes to take to find an old flame and see if there is something still there.

She wants to change the course of things...and amongst these gems, she also told where to find and how to ask for the town gigolo's services.

A fountain of information! I came home with half the salad I had ordered and exhausted!
When The Barren asked how the night was, I just said, I am still processing it.
It was intense, but a wonderful reminder that no matter how together someone looks, we are all dealing with demons and decisions and heartbreak daily.
 

In an effort to and shake up my blues,

I went to the farmers market, something I use to do religiously and got great joy from. I know exactly when to go so the place is not filled with strollers or toddlers with fruit juice running down their arms grabbing for any hand that looks like mom or dad's.
I talk with the farmers, I buy fresh local food...I smell the greens and sometimes get a new plant for the patio. I hadn't been in a LONG time and it was sweet that the farmers still recognized me and asked where I had been. I took far too much cash, as I spent it all !
Not bad on a scale of bad things...but still no control and maybe a little compensation for sadness.

Once home I upended my studio AGAIN and have now made great strides in organizing it, I tore up piles of images that were bad (not a critique of the work, but literally, had ink smudges on them or bad printing or some other technical problem that makes them un-showable or sellable)
It was liberating and freed up some much needed space!
But I am still procrastinating and finding time ticking faster and faster.

I need to make new work...I am stuck and distracted.

 I also know that a little someone is laughing at me, knowing that something is around the corner....

I have my first cycle since the surgery next week and I don't know what to expect.

 The unexpected looms large...Fear and Pain are sitting and waiting for their name to be called.

 

Also almost like a trinity, this week is also the birthday of my goddaughter.

She was born two days before Valentines day, and after I spent 26hours at the hospital with her mother watching her come into the world, while hiding my INCREDIBLE period pain from all there...pain that got me into the ER days later and sedated into a pain free state. Only to realize that my ovary was about to explode. Her mother and I had been trying to get pregnant at the same time...except she was and I wasn't, again.
Sadly this beautiful child's birth reminds me of all that too!

*sigh*

I have to figure out how to get my feet free and tap dancing these bumps away.

Detachable Penis

 

Since my surgery I have had the most amazing and over the top dreams!

I normally have pretty crazy vivid dreams but these most recent ones seem to be taking the cake.

Day two after surgery: I had a dream I was playing with penises, like they were cards in a deck. Shuffling through them, trying to figure out whose were whose....I awoke laughing.

Day three following surgery: I had a dream that I was giving birth to two little girls. I was in a field of flowers. A commercial field of flowers, the kind that flower growers harvest from...I was desperate to find a place to go inside. Inside I jumped up onto a counter and proceeded to give birth. As I reached for my baby, my hands were pushed away...and the children were taken. Never seen.

I got off the table and wandered in the fields looking for The Barren....then awoke.

Day Four post surgery: I had a dream I was running across open land, running to something, but I am not sure. The earth below my feet became softer and softer. Soon I realized I was small, the blades of grass where engulfing me, and I had to push them out of the way to try and see what was in front of me. The earth gave way and I was slogging through a swamp...the mud filling my clothes and pulling me under. Floating in water...serene and eerie. Over processed blues and turquoise colors, sea grass waving.

Day Six: I had a dream that I was working in a gallery, and that all the art on one wall had sold...some very rich person came in and bought half the show. I was shocked and so excited. The room looked like the inside of a Moroccan tent, lavish rugs and fabric walls, glass chandeliers flickering from the candles inside. The someone came up to me and said they wanted to buy a particular work of art...and showed me an image of a piece that is going to be in an upcoming show I am in this December. She said I must have this...I smiled and recognizing it...and remembered that I needed to still frame it. (in awakened life, I have been debating on what to frame it in, concerned that the frame might be too much, but clearly this appeared as a sign to get it framed, it needs to move on)

Last night: I dreamt about penises again. This time The Barren detached his and handed it to me. I was confused but entertained once again. I had penises in my hands and they were there for my entertainment.

When I told The Barren about the dream, he laughed and started singing the the song:

 

The Barren and I have been making a lot of jokes about this "pelvic rest" thing and how it will be great to be off it. We want to get back to our loving, and jumping and goofing around.

The Barren was telling me bedtime stories last night about how he wants us to go out and have a good laugh, relax and tell all this bullshit to FUCK OFF.

I think we have been cooked this year.

Between starting it with funerals and then my mom and then more death and then the cancers of us...we are done thank you very much.

Our dance card is full and we would like to not be invited to this party again.

 

I just have the followup appointment to get past, the last little bit of anxiousness for this year.

Then I am gonna party...with wild abandonment and I am bringing my penises!