Anniversary-many years later

It is the anniversary of my 1st of three miscarriages on tomorrow

and then 

It is our wedding anniversary on Tuesday

We will be celebrating 24years together and 14years married. 

In the meantime I am quiet...I feel kind of sideswiped/wounded.
I woke up feeling okay,
started about my day, but something feels off.

Muscle memory maybe?

My heart has been beating along as normal.
but there is a heaviness.

As of late, I have been referring to our never to be child as our star child.
Made of love and stardust.
It is in an effort to include them as a element into our living lives,
but understand that they are not physically here,
but still able to be seen and felt deeply.
The Barren seems to be okay with this new development.
I think this is me hoping it is another step towards feeling alright.

I am set to work a photo-shoot tomorrow, doing a family shoot for a friend with a toddler.
The one who named her child the name we had secretly picked for our own child.

I assume after the job is done, I will need a nap or a drink or both wrapped in a cuddle.

Even after all these years, I still feel it so deeply.
but....
One thing I do differently, is that I give myself space now to feel it.
Feel all of it, deep and dark and big and bright.

That is the reminder of stardust.

I was that girl

"A 23-year-old American college student who was killed in the Paris attacks was described as a “gifted student” by her teachers and beloved by her friends.

Nohemi Gonzalez was killed Friday night at the bistro La Belle Equipe in Paris. She was spending time with friends when a gunman opened fire on the scene and fatally wounded her."

When I heard about the attacks in Paris I froze, I literally could not process anything at all.
                                                                         *******

Many years ago, when I was in my early 20's I was a student studying in Paris, living out my dream of being an artist in the epicenter of my creative forefathers and foremothers. Eating bread and canned peas. Going to the museum everyday, drawing and dreaming and learning who I was and what I wanted from life and for myself. Kissing boys and crying and laughing. 

I was that girl who went to a concert in Paris, and got caught in a mosh pit and thrown to the ground, tossed from the chaos yet, alive fwith fear and desire for excitement. 

I was that girl who ate in a cafe and ordered an omelette in her best version of French.

I was that girl who smelt the night air and felt the magic of the city

I was that girl

And I am that very same girl, shaken to my very core when I heard what happened.

I cried a lot and wondered if that magic had been taken away

I felt as though something had blown up my memories of the sweet, 

nostalgia of the city of light

Someone had taken a dreamer away, pulled her from this earth before she could finish her dreams

I felt

I could imagine

I mourned a stranger

I mourned all the dreamers and strangers who were simply

living that night. Living and dreaming and hoping for more wonderful.

I am those girls

I am those boys

I am those children

Building my superhero

source

I am building my inner super hero....I have decided it is time to take a bigger step, and act fearless.

I am struggling with feeling good again.

I am still going to class three times a week, and sitting in my studio for hours a day, and working at my second job...and doing all the other daily stuff that life requires to function, 

but something wasn't still linking up.

So, I was wandering around in my brain yesterday and found that maybe, just maybe I was cushioning myself...unbeknownst to myself, I was still protecting myself from getting hurt or pushing too hard.

In everything.

So I started to construct my symbols of strength...

I got this shirt and wore it to class today.

I pushed myself harder, lunged deeper, and stretched farther.

I carried this positive affirmation in my mind the whole time.

I have new pants coming too..when they arrive I will reveal them as well.

It seems I am still afraid, I am still shy..I don't know why. 

I just found this corner the other day and opened that door wide and let in sunlight. 

I don't want to be afraid anymore, or tentative.

I want to feel strong and sure and powerful and confident.

I am finding that as time passes and I still wake up at 4:30 am, I like this ritual.

It allows me to wake up with the sun, I get to be in my own head and feel strong from the first moments of the day.

ideally enough to carry me through the rest of it. 

When I feel weak, or tired, I drink water and cry or wish I would cry and 

sit and contemplate what is making the monkeys go crazy.

All this was put to a test the other day, my father was forced to retire.

He is still "young" but a situation arose in his company and that was the choice he had.

He did and then made calls to me and my brother, assuring us that they were fine and that there was no big debt to fear....I think he was really assuring himself, as I was far beyond freaked out (in my head)

and I remained calm and cool until I hung up the phone.

Then I just stared at the wall for several hours...thinking of all the scenarios in my head, flipping through each of them like a rolodex...meeting each freaking scene head on and then letting it pass through me.

Acknowledge and let it go

It seems to have worked, for now.

It was like a scanner, scan then pass it along.

No harm no foul

Superpower?

I am faced with another weekend sleepover, this time with our 10year old niece.

Last weekend was the 6 year old nephew.

I don't know what to expect, or be prepared for but I am looking forward to the time.

I want to be a SUPER Auntie, and be cool and calm and neato

So my focus is to be present:

have super listening skills

be strong and supportive

able to leap to no conclusions

Be her bird or plane 

Shit is getting real....

crime: failed to return a cup of sugar

 

 

I am not quite sure what I am feeling these days:

 

In the last month, I have heard of two more women the same age as me

having double mastectomies

and this last week alone

a suicide of a high school art classmate

and today the death of a college classmate

(We had been on a study abroad trip together)

 

It has triggered a fear that I am not present enough in my life.

...like in a moment to moment way.

I am constantly thinking about my own mortality;

fearful that my life will end at any moment.

I am scared

 

I am trying to feel all these feelings and not hide from them

but they are quite overwhelming

and big

and REAL

 

On the inside I feel like a person walking in tiny circles

hands clutched and curled into my cheast

fearful that someone will literally

rip my heart out of me.

 

On the outside I am trying to smile, keep my eyes open

and be calm...and imagine a soothing unhaunted slumber at days end.



Beautiful People

I heard this in class this morning and just about burst into tears.

I needed to share it with you all, my sisterhood

Happy Friday Ladies,

Beautiful lovely people:

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross 

Away I go

image

Salutation Saturday

One year ago today I had my surgery.

I know a lot of people on the internets are doing a month of gratitude.

I think it is great and if a call for bloggers or facebookers to write every day what you are

grateful for makes the world a more grateful one...then whooo ha!

 

I think I do a lot of reflection daily on things I am happy about, grateful for and looking to evolve.

So this is a little different.

 

In reflection of this last year:

I am glad I listened to my Primary care doc and got a second opinion

I am happy I found my cowgirl surgeon

I am happy that they developed the CA125 test

I am glad the Japanese researchers published their findings about chocolate cysts

I am thankful that she sat down and gave it to me strait

I feel badly that she had to eat crow when she was

convinced that this might "fix our fertility problems" 

I am glad that it rained that morning

I am grateful beyond words that my Barren was beside me

until the moment they took me into the OR

I am beyond thankful that my oldest friend dropped everything to be here to hold my hand.

I am so happy that my surgeon was skilled and saved my tubes and ovary for me

I am without words happy that she caught it before it became cancer

I am grateful that my body was able to heal well and return to being mine

I am thankful that a year later I am sitting here

Lighter, Happier and healthier then last

 

I am manifesting my new destiny

I am focusing on my desires for this life,

I am so thankful for what I am building

I am making art

I am meditating

I am happier

I have said goodbye to my guilt

It is such a relief, such a massive relief

Quiet on my mind

I recently spent some time in the woods with friends.

After I got past the "I better be on my best behavior, and not act like a dork" phase I realized I was among "safe people"

I traveled into the woods to stay at a friends home for a night, walk in the trees, look at amazing vistas and take photos like a crazy tourist.

In fact every time I looked over at my companions they also had the camera smashed up against their faces. Our respective loved ones, were gathered in a semi circle, unfazed by our photographic assault of the scenery and all just understood that is how we process life around us. Record it...

Our single overnight and full day felt like it lasted for two or three...there were long moments of quiet and the acceptance of that quiet was unique and fulfilling beyond words.

I ate pie, I awoke to watch animals feed in the early morning in the trees and I spent time thinking and laughing.

I need more of those days...many many more

I was holding my breathe to take this, 18 seconds was my max at 7000 ft