Normal heartbreak

This is my youngest niece.

She is in first grade and this is her new normal.

I made her mask and never imagined I'd see a photo of her like this.

This is her back yard...I am thankful she has safer outdoor space but this just breaks my heart.

Her teachers and principal did one of those drive through the neighborhood and waving to the kiddos that are all now homeschooling. The teachers miss their students and this is their way to support them and show their love. What a crazy new way of seeing the world.

I have been distracted by making masks and mailing them to loved ones far and wide.

It is replacing my normal birthday karma*, and I am happy to do it and it has been a sense of helping in this whole crazy. I have made close to 80, but that number is about to go up as I am making a new set this weekend.

I am using all my old hoarded fabric from when I use to make kids clothes.

Talk about a cathartic turn.

I am watching these beautiful fabrics shrink as I send every new package out to full families.

* I give gifts to loved ones for my birthday every year, recently it has been a piece of artwork but this year it is masks.

The Barren and I are getting along just fine. 

I am thankful for that and I think it really highlights how we can really make this work for another 150 years together.

My birthday is the 25th and I have decided to make a cupcakes, drive the 40+ miles to my parents home and sit across the street and eat our annual birthday cake for breakfast together, apart.

That is the grand plan, that is what 50 will look like for me.

The Barren has agreed to come with and participate in the cake eating celebration.

I continue to listen to the science and plan on this taking longer than expected and getting scarier.

I continue to be thankful that my family and friends are healthy and following rules.

I am thankful for a lot of this upside down version of life.

I am just taking it one step atta time.

I fell twice in less that two weeks here at home; two good bruised up falls.

 As I move slowly and watch my body heal and ache, 

I am thankful that I am able to heal and have the space to do it slowly.

One was a slip on the tile of the bathroom (the same tile we've had for 20+ years) 

and the second was a trip over my work chair that had me land on my ass.

Twin bruises below my butt and a skipped down the rib-cage and stab into my side bruise,

 thanks to a framed artwork.

Thankful I didn't land on the cat who was right beside me !

Also thankful for the extra padding on my body...

as I was wailing in pain, I started laughing and confused The Barren.

He asked if I was mentally alright...

Through laughter I said, " My fat saved me!" 

So yours truly is shaking off this final year of her forties and in a deep metamorphosis into a 

MOTHER FUCKING BUTTERFLY

in time for my birthday!

Changes

"Strange fascinations fascinate me Ah, changes are takin'The pace I'm goin' through"

David Bowie-Changes

I am feeling a little bit like a caterpillar in her cocoon.

I am not sure what to expect, but things are changing.

My body is changing, I am only having small "oh no" moments when I think I have forgotten to take my pill...they are coming farther and farther apart these days.

I have been doing yoga, taking my vitamins, working and trying to come to terms with my body image. That last part seems to be rearing an ugly predictable head and I am trying to "whack a mole" it away.

Thinking too much about what I look like, what I am eating, looking closely at every hair and line and fold wondering if I can make them go away...or am I really just falling in love with it and fighting that. Like finding something wrong in a potential partner, but only looking for flaws to sabotage the relationship.

I want to be in love with my amazing strong body...

My mindset is shifting too...

We were at farmers market the other day and a toddler was having a fit because a sibling was able to push a  cart or something, and I was able to smile as we walked past it. The Barren watched the little person throw themselves onto the ground and smiled at the determination; and our ability to walk past it.

Normally I would stop and watch it unfold see how the parent dealt with it and take mental notes for myself in a similar situation. 

I don't need to.

I don't nee that knowledge.

I seemed at peace with that, and The Barren seemed calm too.

We are growing, maybe even aging out of the infertility mindset.

We were suppose to host our 15yr old niece this weekend, but she is super behind on her schoolwork and her parents were tired of enforcing her doing her work...but I wasn't and said that she could not come over until she caught up. She has been wishy washy about school work and her mother is as well, while my brother is strict about it for two weeks then folds out of exhaustion from trying to enforce something that my niece could clearly not give two shits about. So I just stepped in and said, she had another week, to catch up.

I felt like, she needs to understand that this is important, it is her first year of high school.

I guess I was being a parent, in an Auntie way.

I am pretty sure things won't change much in the next week...

but I wanted to put my two cents in, I guess.

School was super important to me, and I equated knowledge with freedom. 

I was teased/bullied for being smart in elementary school, so much so, the teachers had a meeting with the class when I wasn't there, which made it worse and so I pulled back and stopped trying. It took years to mentally recoup myself and by the end of high school, I was pushing forward and making great efforts-and college was another hill but I took every class the community college offered and found myself quite smart...

much to the surprise to many around me, who had kept the image of apathetic me in mind.

I love learning and school.

My brother didn't nor did his wife.

so there is that.

The Barren and I have plans for her next weekend, some live local music, bookstores and space to talk or simply draw.

 We look forward to learning more about her, if she allows us.

We are done being a parent and ready to simple be allies or influencers.

Aligned

It is gonna be quite a week!

Today my niece (15yrs old) is having a 10cm cyst **removed from her left ovary

The same surgery I had

the same ovary

27years earlier

The doctor assured her parents that she would also look for endo

She has no questions, but like many teens is only concerned about needles.

She is set to have the operation about 3 hours from now.

I gave my brother tips that helped me make the experience more comfortable....

most of my suggestions have fallen outside the wall he and my sister in law have constructed.

My father asked me a couple questions through gritted teeth the night he and my mother found out...

He is angry about it.

I think it is safe to say we all are concerned 

I am hopeful that she will be better after the surgery than her current state.

The cyst can be seen bulging from her tummy when she lays down.

I am thankful that they are checking for endo 

and that ideally will find nothing or able to remove what is found.

I am at the studio and home today. 

I was told there was no reason for me to be there today.

(I'll be at the door to the wall, with pear juice, some magazines and GasX in hand tomorrow)

*********************

The Barren is traveling for work this week

He is thousands of miles away.

I didn't get the morning call and TOTALLY had a massive panic attack

He finally called a half hour later, and when I heard his voice I tumbled into a puddle

unable to hide my concern and fears.

He apologized repeatedly 

Why the concern? He had a coworker/friend die on a work trip 

So since then I have been pretty terrified 

He travels again the first week of May

**********************

I am due to get my first real period soon...I think today but who knows?!

It feels like it is readying herself....but I don't really know

so the wait begins

**************************

The Barren's Aunt is donating a kidney today

I found out via social media...

*****************

My birthday is Thursday

I have no plans, no parties, other than take a yoga class in the afternoon

I had a sweet treat time with The Barren this past weekend...

Put on a pretty dress, had a fancy drink and got some much needed time with him 

It is a strangely aligned week.

I am cleaning and dumping old paperwork out of corners of the house to keep myself busy.

The world feels different

**The cyst was 14cm and consisted of three pieces all surrounding her ovary. One included hair, the other two had thick liquid in them. The surgery lasted 2.5hours and in the removal she lost a portion of her left ovary. The doctor assured her parents that the portion that remains has eggs/follicles and her tube is healthy...the doctor was glad she got her in so quickly as this was a ticking bomb.

Waiting

So I entered and was selected in the top 11 of a BIG art competition...

there were over 260 entries from over 48 countries and my work made the top 11!

From this amazing small group, there will be 3 awards (two of which are cash)

and this award is being announced in the next hour!

I am not at this award ceremony as I live 1000's of miles away and it was not something I could swing both in time and money.

So I sit and wait for an email or a social media announcement....

wait and wait

and wait

and distract myself

I was so anxious yesterday after seeing the first images from the exhibition that I bought a vintage dress....I have a problem with that...I get SUPER anxious and in an effort to self sooth I put something on my credit card that I think will make me feel better.

Sometimes it is going to the plant nursery and getting too many plants for our small home. Sometimes it is vintage dresses...that I adore and wear.

*** talk about kiddos***

Last week we hosted our nephew...he is 10

and between you and me I am closest with him, over the other two nephews and two nieces.

He is a middle kid and so The Barren and I have made an effort to make sure he get one on one time.

Away from the chaos of his sisters and family.

This last time we played music and sang along to Queen and RUSH songs.

He wanted to learn how to play D&D because his uncle played the game and he wanted to play with him....I think this made The Barren melt and feel so very loved by his nephew.

He refereed to me as the "snuggle Auntie"

A Dream come true! and quite frankly, a personal goal.

We watched super hero movies, played at the pool, and the top of the mini vacation sundae was him diving deep into a Calvin and Hobbs comic book I got for him a few years ago 

that is now a perfect fit!

I think this waiting game is old school

I think we are so well trained in the art of waiting...

wait for your period

wait for results

wait for the egg

wait for doctor to show up

wait on your vacation

wait to see

This is all good mind you...I am happy about this wait

I submitted my best version of my work

I am in the top 11

I am exhibiting internationally

I am excited

and scared

and ready for an answer 💓

Circling the sun

I awoke feeling happy

I got dressed and went to yoga

I had a lovely class and felt like a million bucks

I went to my parents place to enjoy our newest ritual

birthday cake for breakfast.

As long as they are around, I figured we should have cake together 

first thing in the morning 

and I can thank them in person for making me. 

Literally.

This year my 3 year old niece was there, so she got cake for breakfast too.

Honestly, she just wanted the icing, so I gave her mine.

I had made the cake the night before, and tried something I'd never made.

A Hummingbird Cake

My parents and I sat and chatted and we visited for a long while.

then I packed up, took a photo of the driveway; where my mother had made chalk circles

of number 1-47 and had them lead to the front door.

(another ritual they do every year for birthdays, some sort of chalk drawing. They even did it when I was employed near their home and all my coworkers had to drive past their work, and then proceeded to come and wish me a happy birthday)

I love her shadow!

I traveled home, picking up actual food along the way and ate a quiet brunch at home.

Then a little nap

a little more food and then The Barren came home and we sat and visited until bedtime.

A quiet birthday.

We had gone into the big city the weekend prior and I took in some art gazing.

I think we are planning to do a similar adventure this weekend too,

Sightseeing, art adventures, with snacks

I have been focusing on enjoying little visits with dear people in my life.

I have gotten great pleasure from that.

Like I can feel my body respond from the positive visits.

I am aiming to do that as often as I can.

that is my birthday wish for myself.

Self Awareness

stop the hate, both in yourself and for others

it has been too long....

I have been distracted, by everything...struggling to focus on anything.

I have spread myself thin and opaque.

I started to feel overwhelmed by life...

like I was responsible for everyone, and everything.

I was trying to change the world single-handedly.

I felt the responsibility of everyone's white privilege, I needed to take responsibility for every act of racism and sexism and xenophobia I saw, heard or read.

It became too much!

I was becoming paralyzed.

I have started to triage my life again...it is going much slower than I thought it would...

but I think I have landed on the right path, at least for now it feels like it.

I am still quite politically active, far more than I have ever been in my life!

I find writing a postcard and sending it off is QUITE cathartic.

cheap therapy...I recommend it to anyone; write about anything and send it to anyone!

I had forgotten to take my Vitamin D and felt the effects of the deep sadness...

I have remedied that now as well.

I have been kinder to myself when 4am comes around, and I simply don't feel like driving 40+ miles into town early for practice.

 I know I need to go at least three times a week but sometimes that doesn't happen and that is OK. 

I have felt the changes of aging without children.

My best friend (we live far to many miles from each other) was in town for 36hrs for an art installation and asked me to help. Which I gladly did. She needed to race home to be with her kiddo for his 12th birthday....when I asked he about the day he was born, she started to cry and looked me in the eyes and said that she now knows so many people who can't have children besides me and she feels so thankful that after her miscarriage she was able to get pregnant again and that she is so sorry.

I hugged her and told her it was not a burden she needed to bear, she was allowed to complain and be frustrated and thankful all at the same time!

I felt her pain so deeply.

I have been feeling EVERYTHING so so so deeply.

It is another aspect of my overwhelming of life.

My niece turns 13 today, I unconsciously calculate where I was in trying to create our family.

Each of these children in our lives are markers of how far down the path we have walked.

How far away from our hopes of a child we have wandered.

The birth announcements are father apart now, and the birthdays are larger numbers.

I know the second round, generation is on the horizon...I wonder if I will still calculate where I was on the day they were born...how long that marker of memory will last and when it might be replaced with a memory of them...simply them and me.

Why I am marching

I am the dreams of my Great Grandmothers

My grandmothers were amazing women, and I love them dearly...but they were not ones to stand up when something was wrong.
My mother made sure from day one that I was to say something if something was not right, to speak up when I saw or felt that someone was not being treated properly. I am the woman I am today because I am not afraid to ask questions or question what it happening.
Openly and without hesitation.
This has caused problems for me in the past, but I have never let that pounding in my chest stop me from asking or saying something.

My great grandmothers were born of a different time.
My maternal great grandmother died from a heart attack, was a tough talker and dominate figure in the family. Not taking shit from anyone, and making her point of view heard....above all others.

My paternal great grandmother died two days after my grandmother was born, from complications from birth...a rumored drunk doctor. She is a bit of an enigma, but what I know of her, she was soft spoken and strong and beautiful and kind.
I thought for a long time, that my fate would be the same as hers, if I had a baby....
I have her name as my middle name.

Both of these women were born not being able to own property, vote or have access to reliable birth control...one was an immigrant, forced from her home because of the Pale of Settlement- the other born in the states.

I am marching in their honor, and the honor of my mother, who made sure I was never afraid to speak up.
I am marching for my nieces and nephews, because I want them to have every choice available to them to love and marry who they want.
I am marching because I know what it is like to have your reproduction taken from you, and shamed for wanting to be sexually healthy and free.
I march for them so that they understand that a woman's worth is not measured in her appearance.
I want them to understand that speaking up is always the right thing.
Stopping violence and coming to the aid of those in need is always the right thing.
That we need to fight to keep this earth pure and healthy, just like we need to fight to keep ourselves healthy too!
I march because I want to answer that I marched for them when they discover this information in their history classes, and wondered what people did.

Tomorrow I walk in solidarity with my sisters in Washington...and for my future because I can not be silent in the face of so much that is wrong!

Thankful Thursday

Yesterday I continued a tradition that was started many many many years ago

 and went almost forgotten until recently.

I introduced my niece to yoga.

My Aunt introduced me to her yoga practice many moons ago when I was 10 years old.

I mostly remember falling asleep on the living room floor.

That gently blossomed into me finding yoga again in college and then 

practicing in Nepal and then again before I was married

and as a newlywed.

Then it fell away until three years ago and now I don't think I will forsake it again.

I introduced my nephew first...we do yoga (a few poses) when he spends the night, 

before he plays video games and when we go for exploration walks.

Yesterday as part of my nieces "graduation to Jr. High" school gift, 

we attended a class together.

She is 12 and now old enough to attend a level 1 class with an adult.

(I was that adult, hahaha)

I picked her up and asked if she was excited about it or nervous.

She said she was both, I told her I was too, so we could be beginners together.

We arrived early so we could get her signed into class.

She signed the forms in big round letters that spelt out her first name

 and only the first initial for her last name,

thus beginning her week of free yoga.

I showed her the locker room 

(part of my plan was to introduce her to a locker room before starting Jr High school)

I gave her a tour of the changing area,I showed her where the hair bands were, the q-tips and lotions. I pointed out that there were tampons on the backside of the toilet, in case someone got their period.

Hairdryers and kleenex all for use.

She picked out our locker, we stored our clean clothes for after class and headed to the studio to wait for the class to begin.

We chatted a little before the teacher showed up and watched all the other people arrive into class.

She followed along, exploring the quiet moments, and watching me for pose ques.

It was surreal for me...this little girl was becoming a teenager before my vary eyes.

We compared how sweaty we got...smiled at each other and did yoga!

After class, she was in a good mood and we headed back to the locker room.

There were women in various states of undress...

I told her I was going to take a shower, and asked if she wanted to as well...

she opted out (which I expected) and I gave her the key to the locker and told her which shower I was in and to meet back at the locker when she was done changing. 

She changed in a toilet stall.

I only freaked out a little when the locker room got really quiet when I was rinsing off...and I wanted to call out her name to see if she was still there...but decided that I was going to treat her like a grown up and let her be. 

She was on the bench next to the locker on her ipod when I walked over from the shower.

I got dressed and asked what she was doing and if she felt okay after class.

We thanked the teacher after class and walked to get her a smoothie....

As we were returning to the car I turned and saw this...

I had my camera on the wrong setting, but you get the idea:

It is happening!

Victory

I am not sure if I had anything to do with it....

but The Earl mentioned that my niece and nephew 

will most likely be getting the Gardasil vaccine.

I feel like I've survived through the battle of logic.

I would like to think, that all the information that I passed along to him from 

SOOOOOO many sources was of help.

I don't need credit for it...

Honestly...all that really matters is that

 my dear nieces and nephew are going to be protected.

I can sleep better with that knowledge.

Thank you for your kind words and help....

I knew I could count on you sisters!

xoxox

How can I....

So my brother (The Earl) asked me if I knew anyone who had inoculated their kids with Gardasil.

My heart started racing....

He then followed it with that his wife (The Countess) did not want to give it to their daughter....my niece!

She had seen that a girl got sick after the shot and now has totally shut down to the idea of giving my niece the shot. The Earl is researching online and asking people he knows.

I am being as neutral as possible, 

but inside I am SCREAMING! 

and wanting to slap some sense into The Countess or The Earl.

I have asked my granola friends, and my conservative friends, 

I have asked doctor friends and total strangers...and forwarded their responses to The Earl.

All of which have chosen to protect their sons and daughters from

 either transmitting or contracting HPV

It seems totally logical to me 

and being someone who had more than one cancer scare

knows people who have HPV and had cervical cancer

I don't seem to see the logic in avoiding any kind of protections

from this horrible disease that can ultimately KILL you!

I have stayed mum with my personal opinion 

as I know that I might get the "it is not your child" 

thrown back in my face during a heated and or emotional moment.

I don't think they are avoiding it because they can not imagine her being sexually active, 

but instead are simply scared of vaccinations.

Mind you they have gotten all the others....

What can I do

How can I speak or advocate for my nieces and nephews

without getting slapped?

Should I expect a slap...and just deal with it?

Should I risk my relationship with my SIL and brother...

Sign

How can I help?

Reflections on a birthday

I got super emotional in the two days before my birthday. 

Someone texted me asking if I was really excited about my upcoming birthday and I responded with: "I'm in flux, in the middle of some kind of personal change, so I'm emotional and panicky"

Do you ever get that way?

My mom came over the next day, we spent time together just going to thrift shops and chatting.

 It was what I was looking for. 

A day of no real commitments and let my brain run loose.

I was having a REALLY hard time deciding what I wanted to do on the actual day. It seemed to really peeve The Barren and my parents, who clearly wanted some guidance on the matter.

I just was too spun mentally...but wanted to make a decision about it.

I even got a rejection letter that day and it left me un-phased

My black and white cat served as a therapy cat for her, she recently lost her beloved male cat and finds spending time with mine comforting. 

My kitty is glad to oblige, especially when brushing is involved:

She was still hanging out when I decided I would make my own birthday cake.

On my actual birthday, I made myself a crazy vegan cake, 

and invited nearby friends to come and share in the sugar!

recipe here

IT WAS AMAZING
Vanilla cake (I added orange zest) and vanilla frosting

My bestie sent me a little love package and it made me laugh!

Copper colored wooden clogs!

with a divot for my big toe

Fancy Smancy

I put on a fancy new dress I got just for my birthday, 

and greeted peeps as they arrived.

Everyone got cake and ice cream 

My parents parked themselves on the couch and didn't move for 5 hours!

It was strange at times, and quiet and I reminded me of a proper Victorian sitting room where everyone sits in their own chairs and has conversations in a circle...each waiting for their turn.

hahah

very proper...

When the friends fanned out, my brother arrived with his wife and kids and we all left for a restaurant that could seat 9 easily...it was outdoors and I got to watch the sunset display beautiful colors between the clouds and sky.

My nephew then provided dinner entertainment as he is just barely aware of the power of appendages and spilled the first two glasses of lemonade that were brought to the table.

Later in the evening while explaining something else, he knocked over 6 glasses at one time soaking his baby sister at the end of the table in ice cubes and ice tea.

This second act, had me laughing so hard...the best part was that he said:

"wow that was almost like dominoes"

I agreed and continued to laugh

I think I was the only one that saw the humor in his loosey goosey arms...

He took out well made plans, 

He upset the order of things

and left me laughing

I loved it!

Life is like that.

Building my superhero

source

I am building my inner super hero....I have decided it is time to take a bigger step, and act fearless.

I am struggling with feeling good again.

I am still going to class three times a week, and sitting in my studio for hours a day, and working at my second job...and doing all the other daily stuff that life requires to function, 

but something wasn't still linking up.

So, I was wandering around in my brain yesterday and found that maybe, just maybe I was cushioning myself...unbeknownst to myself, I was still protecting myself from getting hurt or pushing too hard.

In everything.

So I started to construct my symbols of strength...

I got this shirt and wore it to class today.

I pushed myself harder, lunged deeper, and stretched farther.

I carried this positive affirmation in my mind the whole time.

I have new pants coming too..when they arrive I will reveal them as well.

It seems I am still afraid, I am still shy..I don't know why. 

I just found this corner the other day and opened that door wide and let in sunlight. 

I don't want to be afraid anymore, or tentative.

I want to feel strong and sure and powerful and confident.

I am finding that as time passes and I still wake up at 4:30 am, I like this ritual.

It allows me to wake up with the sun, I get to be in my own head and feel strong from the first moments of the day.

ideally enough to carry me through the rest of it. 

When I feel weak, or tired, I drink water and cry or wish I would cry and 

sit and contemplate what is making the monkeys go crazy.

All this was put to a test the other day, my father was forced to retire.

He is still "young" but a situation arose in his company and that was the choice he had.

He did and then made calls to me and my brother, assuring us that they were fine and that there was no big debt to fear....I think he was really assuring himself, as I was far beyond freaked out (in my head)

and I remained calm and cool until I hung up the phone.

Then I just stared at the wall for several hours...thinking of all the scenarios in my head, flipping through each of them like a rolodex...meeting each freaking scene head on and then letting it pass through me.

Acknowledge and let it go

It seems to have worked, for now.

It was like a scanner, scan then pass it along.

No harm no foul

Superpower?

I am faced with another weekend sleepover, this time with our 10year old niece.

Last weekend was the 6 year old nephew.

I don't know what to expect, or be prepared for but I am looking forward to the time.

I want to be a SUPER Auntie, and be cool and calm and neato

So my focus is to be present:

have super listening skills

be strong and supportive

able to leap to no conclusions

Be her bird or plane 

Sense of self

 

 

So after that last post, where it was mostly just brain vomit...

I started sitting and reflecting on who I am now.

 

I really think I have shook the label of infertile as my FIRST descriptor of self.

In fact, it feels like it has shifted pretty far down the list of identifiers.

Does that mean that I don't still ache so deeply for the babies I am not watching grow up?

Does that mean that I still don't think about how my body didn't do what it was suppose to do?

Nope.

Everyday it enters me mind, but I think my relationship with those events

are in a different place now.

They are not forgotten but more like interned,

almost as though, I have allowed them to lay to rest;

transcend this earthly plane and ascend to a new level of conscience.

Does that make any sense?

 

I am seeing signs of it regularly now.

I look at babies again, and smile at them, because they are funny and drooly.

I am not angry when I see a pregnant woman,

but wonder how long she tried for and how scared she might be at this new road in her life.

I mentioned to my yoga teacher that I couldn't do some poses because of my endo, but I mentioned it in such a casual way, you'd think I had said I couldn't because of a head cold or something.

I am thinking about how to make memories with my niece and nephew as a way for them to remember me, not act out re-imagined situations I might have had with my own children.

 

It is strangely liberating, and slightly sorrowful.

I am growing

That is my best guess at this

 

I spend a lot of time alone, whether in the studio working, or just being me. 

I reflect on strange things like:

Where do the city raccoons live that eat out of the city garbage cans?

Why do some finger nails grow faster than others?

Why are some people afraid of quiet?

What can I do to be more focused?

How would I feel if I applied and got a residency abroad?

Why does cheese seduce me so...

 

Being alone and quiet a good portion of the day, makes me realize that it is indeed a gift.

Although I would have loved a home full of boys (that is what I always imagined)

I question if I could have been who I am if I had that too.

I am suppose to make art, but would I have still stayed on this path with a baby?

I am finding that I am seeing this now, as a sort of re-gift.

I was denied so much for sooooo many years, and so many more ahead of me.

I guess I am justifying what I have now as a new beginning, or gift.

Maybe I am simply making a lemon drop from a bushel of lemons...

but that seems to be my mindset these days.

 



It Happened

**warning non traditional birth story**

 

 

 

It happened, I was present for another small persons entry into the world.

Mind you I was not in the room when she took her first breath, I was there when my SIL was laboring, at home screaming and breathing.

Let me back up

My brother asked if I could keep the kiddos company while my SIL "laid down" for a little bit.

I was suspect, but through mental telepathy (wonder twin powers, even though we are not twins)

I understood something was up.

When I arrived she was breathing with some serious effort...and said something felt weird...

and she was gonna laydown.

I hung out with the nephew and niece and watched a computer game

on how to apply makeup (e gads)

and some Mario brothers cartoon...

then I could hear my SIL breathing in the other room,

well three rooms away.

My niece was called in and asked to perform "busy work tasks"

and I followed her and helped where adult help was needed.

My SIL quickly went from breathing to panting, to screaming...and my niece was tasked to call her dad to " get home now!".

 

I was tasked with getting the kiddos to the hospital and the dogs to daycare (two large labs).

The labor party left and so the adventure began.

 

The nephew wanted a grilled cheese sandwich, the niece was running all over the place getting bags ready for sitting and waiting and asking to help with everything!

I was trying to get the nephew to pee before we left and he was in full blown protest!

I was burning the sandwich and the fighting with the nephew

as the dogs sat and watched the swirling all around them.

 

I finally gave up on the bathroom, and told my nephew "fine don't go". Then I asked him what was really going on? I sat quietly with him and explained that today is a big day and that it is totally OK to feel scared or sad about becoming a big brother. It is a really big deal, and important role! He said OK and then I turned and said lets go take the dogs to daycare, and get to the hospital to wait for your new little brother or sister.

The burnt sandwich was removed from the pan,

and cut into pieces and placed into a spiderman bowl for the car.

I started to gather the dogs, one had a leash and the others was MIA so we used a slipknot style loop for that one. My car was across the street, so I set the kiddos up at the front door, which they then migrated to the lawn and took the beasts across the street to my little car...I have a corrolla...

and the dogs are 75+lb each...

I got half way across the street with them when they both started to protest...

one slipped out of his collar leaving me holding the leash,

the other pulled back and ran up the street!

 

My niece got the wild one and sat on her until I could get her and I called the old one over and heaved him into the backseat.

I retrieved the other from my superhero niece and got her into the backseat too.

Then drove the car to meet the kiddos who were waiting on the lawn.

Car seat didn't fit into the backseat as the old dog had turned into a block of cement and needed to be physically pushed to allow me to buckle the belts....

Superhero niece had the old dogs butt and protesting nephew had the chin.

The other dog was in the front seat after much convincing. It was a car full of panting, screeching laughter; and off to dog care we went...

When we turned into the driveway, the dogs figured out where we were they were jumping all over the car....

getting them out of the car was no problem, but keeping them slightly under control was a big effort...I was dragged into the dog care ( a resort for dogs, swimming pool, play yard, 24hr attendants...super posh dog care) the kiddos were distracted by some great danes and after the two dogs were checked in we headed quickly back to the car to go to the hospital.

I had just buckled up the kiddos and my nephew looked and me, gave me a kiss and thanked me : "Thanks Auntie for my burnt grilled cheese, it is yummy (heart melts)"

 Then the cell phone rings :

Hello?

She is here (my brother crying on the phone)

What!? already!

Yep, bye

The kiddos and I were all together,

I was there for both of their births

and we were together for the birth of their sister!

 

It was wild and fast and crazy and I was so sososososo thankful that I was able to be a part of the day.

I didn't cry, I laughed...I felt so present and happy.

I was with who I wanted to be with, being a full real Auntie and it made me so very deeply happy.

We all left a voicemail for The Barren, as we headed to hospital

laughing at how funny Aunties car looked with two dogs and two kids and Auntie.