Cracked

This week was the closest I've been to actually having a mental break.

Everything seemed to tumble into me

I was overwhelmed by the news

I was overwhelmed with my life

I was overwhelmed by driving

I was overwhelmed by having to choose what to eat

I was overwhelmed my responsibilities

I was overwhelmed and emotional

I was overwhelmed by the sense of loneliness

I made myself go to yoga on Friday thinking

this is your social moment,

this is what will keep you from floating away.

I had been sitting at home staring at submission screens thinking: why?!

I had gone into work that week

I had made dinner for us that whole week

I had paid bills and did laundry

and then the whole world seemed so big and sad and burning and angry

and upside down and wrong, so so wrong.

I could feel it all and it made me tip

I forced myself out of bed, even though I wanted to spend the day sleeping and under the covers

I functioned but felt empty.

After yoga class

I went home and cried some 

(I don't cry much these days so I thought that was a good sign)

then my mother called and I told her now was not a good time.

(conversations with my parents have shifted as of late and require a lot of emotional strength and effort to simply listen and not try and say much of anything, which seems to go unnoticed)

I showered and got dressed and sat.

The old man cat laid on me like a tiny weighted blanket, checking on me 

as I laid there and stared into nothing.

I slept a little

and then The Barren came home from work

I ate something

and we crawled into bed.

I promised him I'd not look at news anymore

I had attempted to empty my FB account of personal images

leaving my business one with only work

Yesterday I took the news off my phone, 

so no more notices of the next bad and horrible that has happened.

I called senators and congress people and asked them to support important issues

protect our planet and our under-represented people.

I unsubscribed from political emails that I get texts from every hour 

The Barren made me promise to protect myself

I feel sooo much sometimes it is dangerous to my mental health.

so I have been focusing on quieting my mind for a little while

I have been asking myself what else I can do to make a difference as one person.

buy less 

less packing

I have been focusing on the things I am doing

and how it means something.

I am trying

Invitation

You are not invited, but only because I know you wouldn't come anyways...

I tried to keep it classy and a little sassy.

Thinking Disco Dancing Thoughts to keep bullshit like this at bay

Goals and Birthdays

vanilla cake, lime coconut frosting vegan birthday cupcakes

I am not sure why, but I seem to always be SUPER emotional and goal oriented around my birthday.

I had set a goal for myself last year and when I didn't met it I was disappointed 

but kept moving towards it.

 It is something I have wanted to be able to do for longer than I can remember...

It represents a symbol of strength to me...

It is pretty badass

It is something most people can do with almost no effort

What is it?

A pushup

yep...

I have never been able to do one

I want to be able to do one, and not a "girl" push-up

but a kick-ass real deal push-up

I have been working on it for a LONG time... 

and I am proud to report I did it in front of The Barren on the eve of my 

48th birthday, Tuesday night.

The Barren cried he was so happy for me (heart swelling)

I am also of the camp that if it is not documented it didn't really happen

and being a visual person, I needed to photograph it

so I did:

Elbows in against my ribs

down to a 90* bend 

ass up, knees off the floor

legitimate push-up folks!

Random Encounters

I was feeling blue today, rough start to the day perhaps or just a flood of feelings...regardless I took a moment and said to myself 

" you gotta change this"

so I started doing things that my therapist use to call "Chopping wood and carrying water"

movement through sorrow...the key is to move, both literally and mentally.

We have a bunch of money paperwork in our bedroom, 

it is bad Feng Shui

so I decided to tackle that and get it out of our bedroom and stored somewhere more appropriate.

I made a list of things I needed and headed out to the 99cent store for office supplies.

I was cruising the aisles and turned the corner to encounter a man that was 

about 400 pounds and 6 foot 2

holding two pairs of hedge trimmers.

He said that " this is what you do to your husband" 

I responded that I loved him too much to hurt him.

I guess that opened the door for his unsolicited advice on how to reach the divine.

I was to call them forth by simply calling their name three times while touching acupressure points on my face and breathing in a certain pattern and they would manifest 

( I could only think about Beetlejuice at this point )

He then continued to tell me how I could radically change my life with his processes and that he had cured addicts with this breathing and meditation techniques.

He then reached into his pocket on his shorts and pulled the top card off a stack of business cards and told me to go to the website and watch all the videos and read all the information there.

I in turn was taking this opportunity to listen

be present 

watch his hands and my enviroment

and remember that sometimes people just need to talk to someone.

I then said about four times

thank you for the information 

It could make for a very enjoyable weekend.

(with no intent of looking up the website, 

because in my mind I was sure it would have a virus or some creepy spyware.

I try to be kind- but not stupid)

As I was walking away he asked if I had children

I giggled under my breath

I said no

He then said that was good, because " kids these days are nothing but trouble"

I told him I had still had hope for them

at that, he asked if I knew where the superglue was.

It got me out of my mood.

It also kept me on my toes, and I was making note of where he was and making sure he wasn't watching me or following me.

That part sucked the most. 

Pride in the journey

So The Barren is growing in his grief...he is learning to identify his triggers.

That is HUGE

He was at work learning some new stuff for his current role and a new parent was talking about how thankful they were to have some time off work and it was supported by the employer.

I got a text message saying:

" HR was talking about paid family leave and out of nowhere I find myself about to break down...doing OK now, but it was touch and go for a moment"

After work he met with him mom and they were chatting and she started to ask about all our friends with kids and how we must hang out with them and play with their kids...

He spoke up and said, you know we often need to protect ourselves from our triggers and make sure we are alright with going to an event or party. We often skip them so that we can relax and enjoy our afternoon too. He told her about the event earlier in the day.

She was flustered, and out of no where asked if we were thinking about adoption.

to which The Barren said NO

He thinks she was not sure how to deal with suddenly witnessing his grief 

...I think she just needed to get a question off her chest.

Regardless, I am beyond proud of him and his new ability to speak up about things that trigger his sorrow and memories. He is making progress and that is to be applauded.

Self Awareness

stop the hate, both in yourself and for others

it has been too long....

I have been distracted, by everything...struggling to focus on anything.

I have spread myself thin and opaque.

I started to feel overwhelmed by life...

like I was responsible for everyone, and everything.

I was trying to change the world single-handedly.

I felt the responsibility of everyone's white privilege, I needed to take responsibility for every act of racism and sexism and xenophobia I saw, heard or read.

It became too much!

I was becoming paralyzed.

I have started to triage my life again...it is going much slower than I thought it would...

but I think I have landed on the right path, at least for now it feels like it.

I am still quite politically active, far more than I have ever been in my life!

I find writing a postcard and sending it off is QUITE cathartic.

cheap therapy...I recommend it to anyone; write about anything and send it to anyone!

I had forgotten to take my Vitamin D and felt the effects of the deep sadness...

I have remedied that now as well.

I have been kinder to myself when 4am comes around, and I simply don't feel like driving 40+ miles into town early for practice.

 I know I need to go at least three times a week but sometimes that doesn't happen and that is OK. 

I have felt the changes of aging without children.

My best friend (we live far to many miles from each other) was in town for 36hrs for an art installation and asked me to help. Which I gladly did. She needed to race home to be with her kiddo for his 12th birthday....when I asked he about the day he was born, she started to cry and looked me in the eyes and said that she now knows so many people who can't have children besides me and she feels so thankful that after her miscarriage she was able to get pregnant again and that she is so sorry.

I hugged her and told her it was not a burden she needed to bear, she was allowed to complain and be frustrated and thankful all at the same time!

I felt her pain so deeply.

I have been feeling EVERYTHING so so so deeply.

It is another aspect of my overwhelming of life.

My niece turns 13 today, I unconsciously calculate where I was in trying to create our family.

Each of these children in our lives are markers of how far down the path we have walked.

How far away from our hopes of a child we have wandered.

The birth announcements are father apart now, and the birthdays are larger numbers.

I know the second round, generation is on the horizon...I wonder if I will still calculate where I was on the day they were born...how long that marker of memory will last and when it might be replaced with a memory of them...simply them and me.

Why I am marching

I am the dreams of my Great Grandmothers

My grandmothers were amazing women, and I love them dearly...but they were not ones to stand up when something was wrong.
My mother made sure from day one that I was to say something if something was not right, to speak up when I saw or felt that someone was not being treated properly. I am the woman I am today because I am not afraid to ask questions or question what it happening.
Openly and without hesitation.
This has caused problems for me in the past, but I have never let that pounding in my chest stop me from asking or saying something.

My great grandmothers were born of a different time.
My maternal great grandmother died from a heart attack, was a tough talker and dominate figure in the family. Not taking shit from anyone, and making her point of view heard....above all others.

My paternal great grandmother died two days after my grandmother was born, from complications from birth...a rumored drunk doctor. She is a bit of an enigma, but what I know of her, she was soft spoken and strong and beautiful and kind.
I thought for a long time, that my fate would be the same as hers, if I had a baby....
I have her name as my middle name.

Both of these women were born not being able to own property, vote or have access to reliable birth control...one was an immigrant, forced from her home because of the Pale of Settlement- the other born in the states.

I am marching in their honor, and the honor of my mother, who made sure I was never afraid to speak up.
I am marching for my nieces and nephews, because I want them to have every choice available to them to love and marry who they want.
I am marching because I know what it is like to have your reproduction taken from you, and shamed for wanting to be sexually healthy and free.
I march for them so that they understand that a woman's worth is not measured in her appearance.
I want them to understand that speaking up is always the right thing.
Stopping violence and coming to the aid of those in need is always the right thing.
That we need to fight to keep this earth pure and healthy, just like we need to fight to keep ourselves healthy too!
I march because I want to answer that I marched for them when they discover this information in their history classes, and wondered what people did.

Tomorrow I walk in solidarity with my sisters in Washington...and for my future because I can not be silent in the face of so much that is wrong!

Laughter in funny places

I was in line at Target the other day and could hear a kid 

in COMPLETE meltdown mode.

Kicking, screaming... crying

Mom, trying to finish her tasks had the kid in the cart and was in 

the self check out line.

She was doing the "don't give the situation attention, it will only make it worse" technique

The result, was the little girl screaming and kicking in the cart the whole time

while mom and older sister finished their much needed tasks.

I was in a parallel line, choosing to be away from the sounds.

But....while in line I found myself laughing.

Out loud and carefree....

The couple in front of me, the cashier and the lady behind me looked at me for a reason.

I said " I am laughing because I am thankful I do not have to deal with that today.

One less drama for ME, YEAH"

At that everyone agreed and nodded and giggled to themselves.

The woman behind me said, 

" When I had my kids, that kind of thing was not allowed"

I said to her " sometimes people have bad days, clearly that little lady is having one. She is learning how to deal with it. I feel for mom, as clearly she is just trying to finish what she came her for..."

The older woman didn't really know how to react...

maybe she wasn't able to grasp the fact that a kid might have a bad day, 

and being uneducated on how to deal with the feeling, went strait to tantrum.

I completed my purchase, and left, hearing the crying fade as I left out the front doors.

It felt like I was choosing happy over drama.

But later I wondered...

Was I lacking empathy?

Was I gloating?

Working on the railroad

I have been working on me

Trying to figure out what makes me tick: what makes me mad

and what makes me happy?!

you know, nothing deep or anything.

I have found myself looking through old photographs and re-remembering what I was thinking,
how I was feeling in a way trying to gauge if I have grown at all?

I am looking at little parts of my life.
Mental health, how I deal with situations, or not deal with situations.
Am I sleeping better or worse
Am I thinking better or worse.
What I have figured out so far
is that I've gone to over 330 classes 

this is the most devoted/dedicated/addicted I have been about any extra curricular activity in my WHOLE life. On the flip side,

I am learning to be OK with taking a day off here and there:

sometimes that 4am alarm is just too much

 I find that when I go back after a day or two off, I have a renewed sense of desire, drive or insight into why I go. I say good morning to several people now and when class is over I am thankful that I have spent the energy in class and for myself.

I am happy to announce that two publication have contacted me and will be publishing a piece of art in each of their publications. I wish it meant that I got a check to at least reimburse me for the monies put out, but the hard reality is that it doesn't. I will get a "by" line and a little snippet about who I am published in the books/zines and then it will be out in the universe for all the internet eternity.

My big hope is that it will vibrate back in a bigger better way for us.

I am pinning some hopes on that.

Onto baby things:

My friend with the new baby texted to say that she hadn't seen me in a while and asked if I wanted to come over. The Barren and I stopped by for a quick moment on the way to get some grub. I brought over some cat costumes as options for her kid to wear this Halloween. When we walked in she gave me a hug asked how I was and then said "do you want to hold him?" I looked at the perfectly content baby who was looking at himself in the mirror next to his crib and said " he looks so engaged, and so content. Not right now" I think the fact that I have yet to hold her baby is freaking her out. Some parts of me want to be the peacemaker and just hold him to get it over with, while a majority of me doesn't feel compelled to pick him up, so why force myself.

I think this will be a struggle for a little bit longer.

for both of us

Meanwhile, another woman from class asked if I wanted to go to tea after class to learn a little more about each other.
She had come into class last week and crouched down beside me before the session started and declared that women with children are crazy, and aren't we glad we didn't have any!

I listened to what she was saying and then told her that 

I was actually childless by circumstance not by choice. 

We had actually tried to create a family for 8years, 

but now I am working on my "do-over" portion of life.

She was quiet and unsure what to do, so we just did yoga after that.

At tea the following week, it was a strange conversation about how she was financially secure and successful, able to live where ever she wants because she made sacrifices and tough choices when she was younger. She is not sentimental about things and will be traveling for the next couple of months until just before Christmas and then she'll be around for another few months.

I should join her for coffee again.

It was strange, but I am glad I went for some reason.

I guess I am growing and changing.

I am often afraid for stagnation, but after thinking this all out here

it looks like a am really growing

but not growing up thank goodness:

yes, cosmic kitty yoga pants
I am that girl
I am that mature

Meditation for myself

This was read to us this morning as class was beginning.

I found it to be a great reminder, for our own lives and transformations

I am the decisive element

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.

It is my personal approach that creates the climate.

 It is my daily mood that makes the weather.

I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.

I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration,

 I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations,

 it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated,

and a person is humanized or de-humanized.

If we treat people as they are, we make them worse.

 If we treat people as they ought to be,

we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

by Goethe 

Little gifts

I was getting my weekly hoard of avocados and stone fruit from farmers market on Saturday.

A quiet moving meditation for me.

It was hot already at 8am, and there was no wind.

so it was kind of muggy too.

I had heard on the news earlier, that the drought is so bad, that we would need significant rain for three years strait to restore the levels back to normal.

I go to the market to get the few gems that our CSA box doesn't provide.

The guy I get my stone fruit from reminds me of 

Jeff Spicoli 

He is really nice and sweet and sells KILLER fruit.

Almost every week there is a different variety of pluot, nectarine or plum to choose from.

I had paid the man for the fruit, and thanked him 

Turned to see a succulent vendor and stood in front of the rows of

pretty little plants all on display for sale.

The market was a buzz all around me...a low murmur of chatter and movement swirling 

on all sides of me....

I was just standing in silence deciding if I was going to get a plant to add to the ones at home, 

or pick up three more avocados.

I decided on two little plants and the man placed them into a little cardboard box, with some free potting soil and information paper on what they were and how to take care of them.

..and was handing me back my change

Just then, a drop

then another, then a crack and the sky split open and poured a waterfall of 

water downward.

People scrambled under vendor tents...

the succulent man was flustered that all his plant information paper was getting wet.

"my wife said, you don't need a tent, it will never rain"

I just stood there, looking up at the sky and smiling, laughing and saying out loud

What a wonderful thing this is

I must have looked mad

A silly smile across m face, drenched in cool raindrops

my shirt and skirt darkened from the new water.

My sandals filled with water and as I slowly walked away it was as though I had my own portable puddle to splash in.

People were huddled under the popup tents and the lady I get my dates from asked if I needed shelter from the rain...I looked at her, water running down my forehead and said

No thanks, it is just water, and it is wonderful to be in it

What a gift rain is

Introspection

“Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.” 
― Tyler Knott Gregson

This was the quote read to us prior to practice.

it resonated with me

Putting down some bags

image

I tried two new classes this week, they pushed me, hard.

I felt sluggish and needed a little kick in the ass, so I kicked myself.

The first class was the next level up from the classes I have been taken these last three months.
It was a good change; new poses and a faster pacein that 103degree room.

The second class I described to a friend as this:

 

OK I did it, I went to Sculpt this morning....It was like taking: cardio, step, aerobics, core and weight training in 100degrees with a few yoga moves thrown in for giggles. Oh it is was taught by a speed freak who was as tiny as a spider monkey! I am still red in the face and floating...I think I will stick to the level 2 for awhile...to build up my strength....or stamina. I actually was laughing at one point because everything was swirling around me so fast....

 

It was like being in a gym class, the teacher was yelling, the music was loud house music and the people in class were mostly athletic college students. I was way out of place!

 

Being out of place was good, in a weird way.

It highlighted that I don't need to fit into all the boxes.

A reminder that I am not like others and I have no desire to be.

I finished the class, and showered slowly and quietly. On the way out the yoga teacher that told me to give it a try saw that I had actually done it and congratulated me, and then asked what I thought.

I said:
 " it was not what I had expected, I think I need to build some endurance up before attempting another class"

She said she understood and that she didn't like crossfit

it made me giggle

 

I have carried that idea all week, push myself and accept things that I am not meant to be a part of.
 OR
Drop a few bags that I am done carrying.
I have bowed out of the women's business group for a couple months; I felt I wasn't really present as of late and I needed to be for myself and the others there.
So I am taking a little break.
 

I am also transferring responsibility for a nonprofit group that I have
been doing webwork for the last three years for.

It was hard to ask someone else to take over; but such a relief that the person I asked agreed without drama or hesitation. I am incredibly thankful!

And I am beginning to feel a little less weight on my shoulders.
I don't like saying no, or not volunteering when I know I can do what is needed.
but
Right now I am building a new me, and it requires that I stay focused on my goals and basic needs to build a firm and confident foundation.
So I am not saying yes to much right now....not to be mean but to be focused.
There are a few things coming up that I could say yes to but I have remained silent.
In the past these same people have asked for the same things and not reciprocated and it has left me feeling stepped on and used, so right now I am just focusing on me
being happy and giving in other ways and being kind.

If you haven't heard this speech yet here is a link to written version of
George Saunder's commencement speech,
it is inspired and moving and good words to live by as we drop our bags
and open our arms to new paths:
 

Stronger?

So in my current struggle with trying to sort things out in my head,

I keep reading my positive affirmations

and there is one that I am currently choking on:

 Infertility made me/us stronger

 

 

I understand that The Barreness wants me to be bitter, and mean and spiteful and vengeful

and as I struggle to not be any of those things, I wonder about the above concept.

Am I really stronger because of it?

Is our relationship really better off, more steady, or more solid?

I read almost daily about couples struggling with IF and how they have parted ways.

The stress, the heartbreak was simply too much to bear.

Does that mean that those couples are failures because they chose to part ways when things got so deep, so thick and so much that they were wedged apart and not able to come back together anymore?

I don't think so.

 

I had a similar conversation with my therapist, when I told her

I didn't believe the phrases:

"whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger"

or

" you are never given more than you can carry"

 

She said she could understand; as there are a lot of shells of people walking this earth.

Although you are not killed by overwhelming circumstances it doesn't mean you are ever really alright after that. Sometimes just functional.

Is that really OK?!

 

Infertility, has been like a cluster bomb; so many projectiles flying from it's central source.

Sometimes I don't discover how far reaching the pieces have flown until years later when I pick a scrap up to remember oh yeah, that is from that bomb.

 

Just this last week I asked my SIL if she was wanting to have a shower for this third child,

and she mentioned that a friend was going to give it for her.

I was hoping for that and was relieved it would not fall on me

I have been looking at baby gifts for her.

It hasn't hurt, it is like a dull more then a pain.

It seems strange, and distant to me...it has been 5years since there was a baby to think about.

My nephews start kindergarten this fall...

So a little someone is an alien concept, but one I am almost looking forward to.

A cathartic element in a way.

A way to literally kiss goodbye all my daydreams, every time I kiss this new person.

 

Does that make me stronger?

Less bitter?

Better? because I am living with a life long sentence of infertility.

I want to try and break free of this quicksand.

I think of it more like a fight or flight kind of thing.

The fight is all gone, there is no point to fight any more....

 

I think what has been handed to us,

well more like, shoved into our faces and lives,

is too much.

 

I can't really remember my life before all this sadness,

I have to look at photos of myself to try and prompt those memories. 

 

I can't see commericals, movies or television with children in them,

 without thinking of the ones we will never have

 

I can't go to any doctor without thinking that something horrible is going to be discovered,

even the dentist

 

I can't go to a park, zoo, store, or even out my front door without

feeling like I am being assaulted with everyone elses fertility.

 

It is nearly impossible to be in conversations with family or friends about children, because I really don't understand their point. I can only imagine what it is like, and then not well at that.

 

Does this make me stronger?

Does this mean I was handed just what I could handle or carry?

 

I am still trying to figure this all out.

Strangely I am not angry or really sad...

I am just sort of here

staring at the sky

 

 

Fork in the road

image via etsy

 

I am finding that I am slowly remembering a long list of things that will never be.

Like I am in a way saying another goodbye to them.

I am working hard at not being bitter as that is one of my fears.

to create a bitter leftover version of myself

 

I think this latest cycle has been a reminder that I will not carry a child.

Like all the words and years are rushing up on me.

My period use to be a couple days: no biggie, no major shift in my life.

Then I tried to get pregnant and they became these HUGE productions; painful and pointed.

Then 6months ago the surgery, and now they are strange performance art pieces; I never really know what is going on, and what to expect next.

I am still bleeding, even though I have been back on the pill for three days.

I am really along for the ride.

When I was expressing this disappointment to The Barren the the other night,

 telling him I was done bleeding, I wanted to get on with my next 90days,

I had a wave of sympathy for my uterus.

Maybe it is not done doing it's thing, I mean clearly it is...but maybe it is mourning too?!

I said aloud to him, " I know one day sooner then I want it, I will not be bleeding anymore and then I will be sad about that too"

He giggled and said he understood what I meant.

 

I am realizing that I am turning the corner and beyond child-making.

It really isn't gonna magically happen.

 

This made me reflect on all the "positive affirmations" that I have been repeating year after year.

What happens emotionally when you are not gonna get what you wanted.

Not like a toy, or jewelery or cars or houses, or jobs....but a vision of family.

I wonder what those

 feel good, be nice to yourself, believe in miracles, expect the impossibles?

I still collect them, I read them, I try really hard to believe them, wanting to live the words.

I try to not be cynical when I read about others starting their IF journey, knowing that my story doesn't have to be everyones outcome.

What do I do now? How do I start re-building my self identity I mean time is ticking away.

Life is short and have I already spent too much of it hoping against hope?

Waiting and crying and wondering what I could do to make something that would never be happen.

 

My SIL is 6months pregnant with their third child, and as she posts belly growing pics online, and fetus updates, and updates us all on her cravings and aches and pains...

I wonder what does it feel like?

Something so natural, became so unnatural for us...the hippie kids couldn't make a baby?

The teenager could, the IV drug user could, the fighting couple could.

 

I feel that strange sense of numb again, the numb I felt (or didn't feel) when I was slipping into depression, but I am not terribly sad this time. I am not terribly happy either.

I am present, here and now.

Wondering

seeking a new path

a new identity

Not wanting to re-invent myself...but wondering who I really am.

Laughter and tears

Did you ever have that moment when a friend or family member suddenly shifts their appearance and looks like someone all together different and you find them very funny, or scary or foreign?

 

I don't know this person, but I found this little video today and I was rolling with laughter at how wonderfully he can shift his appearance and become someone else.

He entertained me, scared me but mostly distracted me.

Sometimes you just need some cheap thrills, and this was it for me this morning as I was trying to keep my eyes open and focus on a workday ahead of me:

 

http://www.wimp.com/dramaticlipsync/

 

 

I send laughter, and wonder your way today

Don't be fooled

So a few things have gone down in these last few days...

I started my week (Thursday is the beginning of my week) at a HUGE convention center looking at art. The big city hosted the annual art faire and it was a chance to see what galleries are carrying and what is "hot, hip and happening" it was also a great chance to break in my new $24 payless tennis shoes and carry 20lbs of magazines out the door at the end of my visual overload. I went with two women, one I kind of know and the other was totally new to me. The common friend in this mix got the flu and couldn't make it...so we ventured onward! We all looked at the work independently of each other and thanks to a free ticket (I answered an email and got a free one sent to me) I got a free catalog too...so I was able to mark pages and think deep things about work.

this made me think veggies...

sex and art

large crumbled bills and a hushed crowd

There was a lot of STRANGE and silly work, but also a bunch of stuff that reminded me to "mellow out" and just make what comes out of you at any time.* There is a connection there, I will get to it later....when I tell you about Saturdays event.
The dealers were interesting and the whole place was hushed...like the WHOLE HALL in a convention center was a museum...very refined, very subdued. I was really glad I went and really glad I am an artist...even though I was also reminded that it is quite a hard nut to crack, this whole let me get into a gallery thing.

Friday I got called into work and came home with a HUGE headache and the unending desire to want to puke, but was unable to...it was lovely. I had an event to attend that night, so I took a lot of migraine pills and went to the event solo. It was the opening to the new little shop that is carrying my trinket...the place is adorable and looks like Etsy exploded in there....I wanted to buy EVERYTHING. Do you ever get that way when intoxicated or feel icky? I spend money on silly things and discovery them the next day. I hear ambien can do that to you too. She didn't have a sign for the store still so it also reminded me to keep knocking on doors and get my trinket into more shops....I am still waiting to hear from the buyers at two other places.

idea for my own panic room

Saturday, was filled with submission panic attacks, making silkscreens and then going to an event in the nearby town.The event on Saturday night is part of the art salon group I am part of. We go to a new venue each time and hear lectures from artists, or designers or curators about how they do things. This evening we heard a lecture from a painter, who is the mentor of our host. The Host is an amazing painter and he is an eccentric lecturer. I joined about 30 other women in a "screening room" in the house (It was another MANSION overlooking the ocean) and we listened to what I can only in reflection describe as a performance art piece. I had a notebook and was I glad I took one. The painter had two glasses of liquid; one whiskey, one water-liquid courage I would assume. He spoke of the creative process and at the mid point it became a stream of conscienceness conversation with the ether and I figured there was going to be a gem in there someplace...I mean think about how brilliant you are when you get intoxicated and have epiphanies! I also started to have a giggle fit and used my notebook as a way to avoid laughing out loud! I was sat between a curator and a painter and needed to act like a lady and not a child...while I scanned the room, others were stunned or dozing.
It was AMAZING.
The painter kept saying no one believed him and he BEGGED us to believe him about his theory.
This is what I wrote down:*

All artists have a rational capacity/rational facilities

these have tyrannical mechanisms

where we have internal dialogs of destruction in unnamed numbers of ways.

The Unspoken unnamed "one" is the creative force.

You are creativity itself, it can not be any other way!

It will take you two years of work to let go and be who you are,

and then you will not know what you are doing, but you know who you are.

Struggle gives you authority, suffering drains you and destroys you.

Struggle through your work...don't suffer.

and the key to mastering any creative feat:

slow down

repeat often

be mindful

and

slow down more

 

After the lights came on, I thanked the host, passing her Rembrandt etching, and Picasso drawings, walked under her Venetian glass chandeliers and returned my glass to the marble topped counter kitchen sink. I was escorted out by her kind husband who lit the way for us as the "landscaping wasn't done yet, so there were no lights yet" on their terracotta slabbed steps to the driveway.

 I sat quietly in my dark car, on a dark road thinking,

"what the hell was that!?"

Then I drove to get dinner and drove home, in the quiet of the night, watching storm clouds and listening to my new favorite CD.

As I distance myself from the event, I realize WOW there were some gems in there.

AMAZING indeed