Some go this way...

“Some go this way. Some go that way. But as for me, myself, personally, I prefer the short cut.”

The Cheshire cat 

I thought I would give the rest of the world a peek at what it is like where I live right now.

It occupies much of my mind, and time and takes up a lot of space in my head.

So in many ways I am documenting it here, maybe in hope that it will seem funny after a while.

 via Instagram: Gripster2000

Yes, these are screen captures from my phone and I hope you can forgive my luddite qualities.

My county still has an average of 600+ cases a day and about 20 deaths a day!

We don't have enough vaccines but to inoculate 75+ year olds and medical workers so far.

All appointments are gone, and we get weekly deliveries that are given to the above group...

The governor expanded to allow vaccinating 65+yr olds 

but there is not the inventory to allow that. 

Yesterday our stay at home order was lifted and so outdoor dining is available again starting Friday.

It makes zero sense.

sigh

I continue to stay indoors, taking online classes and attending zoom lectures.

Doing yoga in the living room or studio...

There is rain this week (for the first time since last year) so all my outdoor park classes are canceled.

My father is finally recovering from his surgery, thanks to my mother being a drill sergeant and making sure he does his breathing exercises and walks and sits in places other than the bed.

It was a bumpy road but thankfully, looking better.

I really enjoyed sitting with my mother and waiting for updates about my father. The time highlighted that she is older, and I am older and our time here is fragile and uncertain.

My stress levels during all this have been through the roof, I fear I have massively altered my digestive system and I am now trying to regain control of it.

Do any of you get heartburn or ingestion 6+ hours after eating? 

I am experiencing that, I can not lay flat in bed right now, and 6-8 hours after eating  in the evening I awake with chest or stomach burning....I get up drink water and sit up in bed and then fall back to sleep.

But, MY GOSH this is getting old.

Stress Much lady?!

Okay this post has become quite a bitch fest...

I am understanding that I am the person who reaches out to others...I am that person.

I am a person who enjoys simple pleasures, like a pretty plant or listening to rain or falling asleep on the couch watching tv or reading while hubby strokes my hair or holds my hand.

I love the sight of the sun peeking through the branches of a tree.

I love having vivid dreams and sitting with the visual memories for half a day trying to figure out what it all means.

I love a cup of hot tea and sometimes a cookie

I love the cool air on my face and blankets up to my neck

I love that last week when I left my parents place, I saw my nephew riding his bike with a friend and when I waved and said hello, he said "Love you Auntie" he is 13!

I will take that and wrap it in my softest folds of self and carry it forever.

Stupid & Contagious

***Below I ramble, mostly because it felt like a conversation with someone other than myself, 

in my head. I talk about race, isolation and frustration***

I am thankful that we are all healthy and bored, let's just start there.

I visited my parents home two weeks ago to deliver food and sit in the back yard with them.

mom working the "invisible man" vibe

I walked through a side outside gate, and met them in their backyard.
It is still very foreign to still not hug them or touch them.

They gave me my birthday present from April.

We sat, made small that and then had heated discussions about race and climate and how things are never going to be like they remember them again.

We talked about the grief that surrounds that and how they are or are not dealing with it.

My father nibbled on the cookies I brought, as he rolled his eyes at me, and told me how he wanted me to act. Make no ripples, stay below the radar.

My car and the sign that made him "freak out"

My car was the reason for most of his outbursts, and me telling them that a Hell's Angel pulled up next to me and gave me a side eye at a traffic light.

Later that same day, a group of those same "angels" drove into a crowd of peaceful demonstrators narrowly avoiding children that were in attendance.

I have another sign in the other back window that says: "No Justice/ No Peace"

I have left them in my windows since our parade attendance for the local BLM rally.

I was able to calm him down and simply say, we both want to be good people, doing what is right.

I can not be silent when so so so so much is wrong.

I would not be able to sit with myself by being silent.

These are the kind of conversations that are happening all over now.

The state I love in and the country I reside in is upside down.

We are " stupid and contagious" (to quote Kurt Cobain)

We had another 550+ cases over the weekend, just in my county!

I have made and given out over 200 masks personally...

I don't know what else to do?!

I spend my days trying to make art, when I am not sewing masks.

I do all the house work and run all the errands, as The Barren* has become more and more concerned about leaving the house for ANYTHING.

I do yoga daily virtually and often times the teacher, 

and anyone who has their camera turned on for class, 

are the only other people I see that day.

I am terribly lonely, even with another person in the house. 

(whom I love and I am thankful we are together though this...but we are both becoming more and more fragile from the isolation)

I have been staying away from the news, as every time I dip my toe into that swamp, it is far more infested with the most horrible things, that I can't really comprehend what has happened.

People talk less to each other when out at the shops.

Neighbors talk less to each other.

The beaches are crowded, the streets are full of tourists.

We are doomed to be in this home forever at this rate.

As a rule follower, I am saddened by nobody else doing the work.

I wake up each day, with a bright disposition, hopeful that I will make something lovely or moving.

Hopeful that there will be different news from this current world.

It is harder and takes serious focus to carry myself through the sludge of energy pulling me away from that brightness and hope.

My bestie and I had a facetime call the other day, we both were feeling very heavy in the heart.

it helped to see each others face, and talk real talk and admit that we are both feeling all the feels!

An old boyfriend reached out to me the other day too, 

just to see how I was, it made me feel so very loved.

It sparked a long chain of emails reflecting on the things we miss, and how it sucks.

** The Barren is currently enrolled in a songwriting class and is finding great joy from that. His mood is vastly improved when he finishes each class. He has been writing and I now find him researching music theory and deep in word thought.

Heavily Meditated

Vadge of Honor 

My bestie got me this pin after my last miscarriage and 

I have worn it to ultrasounds and today's endometrial biopsy.

I spent the last two and a half weeks waiting for my appointment meditating.

I have read about the process, focused on the temporary amount of time it was 

and tried to compare/prepare for it with the pain gauge in my head.

twinge to pass out from pain

Today came and I took two pills last night meant to soften my cervix and then another this morning.

They made me quite loopy and apparently worked well enough to allow for the procedure today

and to get a sample.

I would say the process was uncomfortable with a moment or two of pointed sharp pressure deep inside me, near my diaphragm.

It was a short amount of time and when I was ready to call uncle, it was over.

Clearly pain and discomfort levels are different for everyone and I had a lot of downward pressure from my cervix softening so that added to the strange feelings.

The polka dots on the ceiling tiles were amazingly interesting when focusing on breathing

When she was done I needed to lay still for a little bit as I was a little woozy.

Nothing that didn't settle almost immediately and I was out of there.

Results expected by next week.

I am beyond thankful that today procedure was able to net a sample.

I met with my bestie yesterday to shore up my courage, and she gave me a lemon sweatshirt that is super soft and cozy. She wanted to give it to me ahead of the procedure so that: 

"I felt happy and loved"

cozy lemon slice sweatshirt, homemade vegan mac and cheeze and my emotional support kitty <3 td="">

Bestie lives over 6 hours away and has come into town to take care of her mother who had double eye surgery today....so her plate is quite full!

Yesterdays meet up was exactly what we both needed.

Tomorrow is a new day.

I am hopeful that the spotting from the procedure will fade away 

and I will get some mojo time back and celebrate my:

 "BIG HEALTHY UTERUS POWER"

source

You are a wreck

So I went to the endo doctor....

I had The Barren come with me, well, because it was a male doctor and as sexist as that sounds often times when I have visited a male doctor they talk down to me unless The Barren is present.

It sucks and is sad, but true.

So I brought back-up

Also, I had MASSIVE white coat and I wanted a second set of ears to hear what my brain dropped with its high screeching sound.

I was sweating and anxious and although my clots had stopped on Monday, I was still spotting.

The doctor came into the exam room like a cowboy on a bulldozer.

Sat down in front of me with my folder and said:

"You are peri-menopausal.

that is why you are bleeding like this."

"We've met before, but you were asleep" (creepy)

He assisted on my ovarian cystectomy and stage four endo confirmation.

" yep, you are total mess, everything is just all mucked up in there."

He was trying to make light of things I think...but it came across a little like a used car salesman

He told me that when I got tired of bleeding I should consider a D&C or Uterine Ablation or both.

But first, 

" We need to do an endometrial biopsy, to confirm that you don't have uterine cancer. I don't think you do, but it is important to confirm that.

I have my nurse practitioners do them because I don't like to hurt people and they hurt. Because I have never had any children, my cervical opening is small or totally closed and they might not be able to do the biopsy, so if that is the case then they would do it with a D&C""

I saw The Barren go pale when the doctor described the process 

and I think I left my body at that moment.

He suggested that I double up on my BC pill to up the hormone and if it works then we can switch to another pill and just take them back to back.

Oh, and you can only take the pill until you are 50 so you only have a little bit of time left on that.

then you are considered Menopausal and you shouldn't be on the pill anymore.

I told him I was most afraid of having to have a hysterectomy and he told me that he had ZERO desire to do one, that he doesn't even have it on the list of options....unless needed.like uterine cancer.

That was a relief among the land mines.

He also said that caffeine or alcohol are not triggers for endo and that I should be drinking champagne whenever I want and enjoying my cup of tea in the morning.

I left the office with a biopsy appointment, with a nurse practitioner that was versed in the procedure of difficult subjects, and the lady at the front desk said she would ask if a should take some kind of medicine ahead of the procedure to help make it easier for us both...but it wasn't an anti-anxiety drug.

I left the appointment feeling like I had been run over by a mack truck!

I was dizzy and shaking and confused and so very sad.

I spoke to a pharmacist yesterday that confirmed that doubling up on the BC pill was a good option and if the spotting stopped then get a new prescription with that dose and take three 28 day packs back to back. 28 day packs have a wider range of dosages of hormone than the 91day generics I take.

I started last night and aside from some nausea this morning, I feel pretty alright and the spotting seems to be stopping too! 

I did yoga yesterday and today...that helped A LOT.

I am scared of the biopsy, but keep trying to focus on it being a 10-15 minute 

procedure and that the pain will be temporary.

The Barren is taking me to and from the appointment that day.

I am so done with this bullshit

I am done with doctors

I am done with the sadness

I am done with painful procedures

I am done with feeling so overwhelmed

but something somewhere in me won't let me totally give up and give in

I still have some dim flame of hope that this will be it, the last of it for a long spell 

The Monster

I have an appointment to see a gyno on Wednesday.

I have not stopped bleeding and throwing large clots since Tuesday. 

(it is Saturday night)

When I asked my doctors office for advice, they said:

  you are already on the pill, there is nothing more we can do.

After feeling set afloat and abandoned...

I started calling gyno offices to see who took my insurance...and booked an appointment to see someone new.

When I called on Tuesday in shock at what appeared to be another miscarriage, I was immediately dismissed and told it was impossible on the pill.

Feeling run over and emotionally hurt as well as terrified by what was happening to my body...

I requested a change in BC pill as I had been spotting since August.

It was requested and after some hunting down, I got it ordered and filled.

I am bleeding

a lot

I fear and expect that this is The Monster that has been laying in wait for all these years.

The same monster that I have managed since my surgery in 2012. 

The Monster that has been quiet until now....allowing me to be me and feel like I had some control.

I don't know what shifted back in July to start the spotting

and then the the bleeding in August

that didn't stop until the end of the month

and then the spotting to begin again in October and

here I am now entering my third week of bleeding.

I have no pain...so that makes it all the more creepy.

This Monster lulls me into thinking all is fine but, has me in the bathroom every three or so hours.

I have had to stop yoga, as I tried to practice this week and got so dizzy and nauseous that I had to stop multiple times.

The Monster makes me think am covered and then leaks out of the body and into my clothes at work.

The Monster makes me think I can do normal tasks, but then when I attempt to begin, I am unplugged and need to sleep.

I am taking iron to try and build amour to protect myself...

drinking green juices to get even more iron

but every few hours I am drained of my efforts.

I do hope this doctor can be an ally

help me save my uterus from The Monster...

until then I take my BC pills and iron supplements and hope that my shield is strong enough to protect me from collapsing.

Mouth guard

shirt credit

With the combination of the election and the fire and mudslide

I was fitted with a mouth guard that I wear at night

because I am grinding my teeth at night.

So badly, I chipped a tooth.

I have been wearing it every night, but have made a point 

as of late, to wear it even more 

religiously.

I am furious, I can feel it in every bone and oozing from every pore.

I have never been so ashamed to be an american.

The amount of sexism, racism, xenophobia, and blatant hate is inexcusable!

The government in place is a total embarrassment.

The old white men have had too much power and all this bullshit

has carried over into what might be a liar elected into the SCOTUS.

I watched Dr. Ford give her testimony, and I watched Brett cry and scream his.

I watched too much....

I have since turned off the news 100%

I vote and thankfully am in a state where my representatives feel the same way I do about 

Brett and women'r rights, health and immigration and take the time to answer the phones when I call in and thank them for supporting or voting against things that are brought up. 

I have had emails answered and these women do not run away from their constituents

they listen and respond.

Like responsible representatives.

That being said

after watching Dr.Ford, I experienced for the first time a true whole body trigger.

I remembered my assaults with great details.

I told The Barren for the first time, in our 26 years together, 

about the first one when I was about 8 years old.

Only my parents and my therapist(who was treating my grief from infertility) know about it, 

and they never mention it.

My father told me( at 8 years old) after hearing and seeing who did it that 

" I had an active imagination, and that this never happened"

So I buried it deep

Angry and confused as to why he chose to not believe me

I also told The Barren about another one that happened 

when I was a teenager, that no one knew about...

except me and the people involved.

He was deeply shook, and super supportive about being brave enough to tell him.

He knows about my sexual harassment incidents

 from workplaces that have happened since...

Dr.Ford made me remember

She made me strong enough to share my story 

she reminded me that these situations are not me, I am stronger and bigger than them.

They are nothing to be ashamed of

and nothing I did and nothing I need to carry responsibility for 

I think I will keep wearing my pride 

and wearing my mouth guard until this world is turned right side up again.

the future is female

Riding the waves

Handmade doll for 3yr olds birthday

So remember that baby shower I wasn't invited to and then the second baby shower I found out about on social media that I also was not invited to, because I wasn't going to show up anyways....

well, I got a half-assed invite to that same persons sons third birthday.

" hey lady, we are having a party this Friday for kiddos 3rd bday, 530pm. Hot dogs and pinata...not sure screaming kids at the end of the week are your thing but we wanted to invite you and The Barren"

I accepted immediately

I think there was some spite in my acceptance, but....whatever

I found this book at the local thrift shop and made the doll the day of the party; in between work and yoga class....the silkscreen paint was pretty darn dry by the time I wrapped it up.

Apparently the 3year olds suggestions for the soon to be little mini me is 

" poo poo head"

So I made him a baby of his own that he can torture or play with while mom 

is busy with the real one.***

The party was all hipster parents and cake and screaming kids 

and I chatted with a few people while banshees and harpies ran around us 

high on sugar and sleep deprivation.

I was proud of myself for playing it cool...

The Barren was not able to go because he was traveling and so I did it solo!

*note the ripped paper of the dressing gown
nervous twitch maybe

I also survived the yearly check up with the doctor.
I get white coat so they line the exam table with the thicker non stick paper sheets.
I get a hot flash as soon as the doctor appears and proceed to create small waterfalls of sweat all throughout the exam. I don't think I have ever gotten a manual breast exam from her where she didn't get a handful of sweat and deodorant.
She said aside from still needing to loose 3-5 pounds (my lord this woman uses the BMI index like an end all be all information system )
I am doing well and should keep it up
exercise as much as I can and keep up the vegan diet and stay happy
(hahahah)

I don't have to see her for another year (ideally)
Now I just have mammogram and breast ultrasounds to finish
easy peasy

I'm dead set on just riding this last month away...
In my minds eye I am sitting in the shade
by a big body of water
tide lapping nearby
and letting it all go

letting all that shit go

*** Mom to be just texted and asked if I had any name ideas!!

I went to the first name site I could find and picked one randomly

Sigh

The Debriefing

Having a miscarriage at 48 is very different than one at 36

My body reacted differently

My mind was in a different place

My heart was in a different place and settled in a new and different way.

I was numb for a long time

almost like my whole being went into a fight or flight reaction

from information long ago learned.

I postponed my yearly physical by a week, 

The Barren will be traveling during the original time 

and I didn't want to be alone when I got back home from another doctor visit.

I am done with doctors

but I understand I still need to advocate for myself,
so I still get all the required check-ins 

so I am not as rebellious as I imagine myself to be.

In the week, when the bleeding finally stopped, I went back to yoga with a gusto

and I found myself saying to myself....

" be kind to yourself, you just had a miscarriage"

I was trying to be kind, to excuse when I felt weak

I waited for the bleeding to stop to tell my parents, 

I felt a heavy weight to share it with my mother in particular.

When I did tell her, I heard myself explaining in great detail that there might not have been an embryo in this miscarriage, reassuring her I was alright and that I was responsible and had many doctors tell me that I was in no danger.

She said she was sorry that I had to experience this again...

I told her I get to experience and process loss

that is what I get to do in this lifetime.

She shared with my father what happened and he when he heard my voice on the phone,
he said:

" I am so sorry, I don't know what else to say about it"

I told him that was perfect and thank you

then he told me I was a strong woman, 

this made me almost totally collapse into a puddle.

I haven't seen them since sharing the news, that is unusual.

I called and checked in a couple of time afterwards, to make sure all were alright

I think this has highlighted a couple things for me:

I am older

I can handle loss, repeatedly 

I am stronger now because of what I have experienced in the past

I can 

I am also able to let myself grieve 

I feel in many ways it might have been a sign from my body that I have crossed the last line of fertility. Even when I thought it was past, this was the final proof of that.

I had a dream before this all began, and I had seen myself dead in photographs

Like and out of body experience of seeing myself in a dream

when I looked up the meaning on several dream dictionary sites, they all said the same thing:

"In your dream you see yourself dead, at first you may think this is about you being dead. However it’s not, this dream is about you moving forward into being a new person.

You are growing and maturing as a human being and you’re ready to move to the next phase of your life and you’re ready to leave the old you behind.

This type dream is important because it shows that you are growing and developing your spiritual side and gives you the message that you’re headed in the right direction."

I am taking some comfort in this knowledge from the greater sources

Spent on the sidelines

***Trigger warning***

Miscarriage

So I went to the doctor

I must say the level of kindness at the doctors office far exceeded my past experiences 

so there is a "good on you" sticker for them.

I was asked repeatedly if I was alright, and that they were really sorry.

I did express how even after all these years, I was able to find and access that deep sadness and numbness without any effort.

That is a shock still.

I peed in a cup

Had my temp and blood pressure taken (both elevated)

I had a pelvic exam

I was asked to recount what I had experienced over the last two weeks.

I like to give deep details in fear that something would be left out that was needed.

The nurse practitioner said she had ideas about what might be happening

I had all the signs of a miscarriage, but also unstable uterine wall

also peri-menopausal response

My fibroids or cysts or endo acting up

also she didn't know...

but felt that the longer I was on BCP the swing in hormones 

would eventually taper the bleeding.

So I went to get a blood test to check my 

HcG levels

My FSH

and my iron, because I kept saying that I was really tired.

I also had an order for a pelvic ultrasound.

I was the last appointment for the blood lab before lunch break.

The lady that drew my blood was saying how hungry she was over and over again....

and then as she was taking my blood said:

" I have a really good feeling about this potential pregnancy"

I said, " well, that's good"

and told her to enjoy her lunch.

I left and drove home to fall into a puddle.

Dr's office called the following day to say I am not starting menopause

(at least via hormone levels)

I am anemic and to take a multi vitamin and eat iron rich foods

and the lab didn't run the HCG blood test for some reason...

Did I ask them not to?!

And did I still want to do that.

An additional four days had passed and I told her no, 

I didn't think anything would be left to see.

I am now about to go and have my ultrasound

I am anxious and nervous about my cysts and fibroids having changed.

I am still spotting, and I know this ultrasound tech.

She is compassionate and listens and gives me a heads up 

if I need to be concerned about something she sees.

I am off to drink my water and get probed.

Then, then I can feel unpoked for a couple weeks before my annual checkup

In the meantime I will work on feeling more connected with my body again, as I currently feel quite removed from it....like I am watching from the sidelines.

Summertime Rolls

I am in this photo, right there with my butt up in the air

This is the Saturday morning class I love to take...

the teacher places a COLD washcloth's on each persons face afterwards and it is a slice of heaven!

it is sometimes a struggle to get there because it ends half an hour after farmers market starts and if you are a regular farmers market goer, you know the best stuff is right when they open...so it is a practice of letting shit go and enjoying being at class, then enjoying the pace of the market when I arrive afterwards. I am also not one of those ladies that 

loves to wear her yoga clothes to do errands and stuff...

so the looks from the farmers while I try and hide a camel toe or my body odor is something too.
I pretend to be blissfully unaware of the stares...

The summer is passing and it seems that the activity I am most often partaking in is sweating...

sweat overnight, wake up and go to yoga and sweat, come home shower and try to not sweat (unsuccessful at that still) then sweat while cooking dinner and cleaning up, evening shower
 and repeat

it probably doesn't help that most of my state is on fire and there has been heat wave after heat wave....so I am not sure if this is a peri-menopausal thing or simply summer.

I am gonna say it is summer because the other option sux!

We have watched friends go on vacations, kids go to summer camp,
and we have even been host to a couple visitors.

Alas, we have not escaped.

I was told that my work was taking a few days off to spend time with family and I got very excited at the idea of not having to commute for a while week...but they shortened the vaca and it fell on the days I am normally not there so no real vacation for me.

I am doing my best to make it productive none the less

but...I got my period and now I am either sweat sleeping or trying to not eat everything in the house.

Happy summer vacation!

 I am still trying....I canceled yoga for myself this week...

it is good to rest every now and then...and I think I need it, plus if I am sweating all day and my uterus is a battleground why not sit back and watch the show.
I don't need to prove to myself that I can still do my thing...
my newly built muscles are not going to disappear overnight.
It will all be alright.

It is summertime, eat some watermelon...
sleep a little later when you can, go for a drive somewhere
collect a few interesting things to remember this time, take some photos.
I mean isn't that what Summer Vacation use to be?!

Recap of a moment in time

I made it past so many milestones these last few weeks...

I am amazed at myself.

I am still standing...and I really believe that I can say I am firmly planted.

my view of the crowd and cameras and newspaper people

I survived the speaking engagement, turns out it was me and two museum directors!

No other artists on the panel, so I indeed offered a unique perspective.

It was an extra credit kind of thing, so the people who were not looking at their phones the whole time were kind of listening. I had super prepared and was quoted in the school paper complete with some unflattering photos:

The Barreness, a photographer and printmaker shared her experience with rejection, but she describes having her work accepted as magical and validating “Rejection is a massive part of the career, “Be stubborn about your goals and flexible about your methods.”She advises to learn how to do everything— to understand what’s being made in the community, to go to art galleries and read books."

So that happened and is past me. The Barren surprised me and came to the event, and sat across the hall opposite of me, so he could give me ques about speaking up and cheer me on. I was beyond touched and felt so very loved and supported and surprised. 

Next was my miscarriage anniversary, and I was quiet most of the day, but I felt stronger than years past, although it might not of appeared that way from the outside. A few people mentioned just how exhausted I looked. The Barren checked in with me a couple of times, and made a suggestion that to better live with the day, maybe I should consider treating it differently; think of it differently. Instead of mourning the loss, think of it more like a journey, or the start of one. Our little star child was released to be whomever they were meant to be with us and it created the magic that allows them to whisper in our ears when our heart is heavy or come to us in our dreams when I need to imagine what they might have looked like... As a reassurance of them always being with us. 

I am working on that....but I can see the long-term benefit of it. 

A healthier heart and lighter soul, for us all.

**********************************************************************

Then there was Halloween and a chance to dress up as a longtime hero:

Guerrilla Girl

                   Considering I am allergic to latex this was an act of bravery and admiration!                                                   I loved slipping into this persona and feeling strong and smarter than normal and ready to take on the world!

We made dinner and turned off the porch lights and binged watched Stranger Things season 2...it was the perfect Halloween, there was even rowdy teenagers outside looking for trouble and candy and tummy-aches.

Then our wedding anniversary! 

Whew...25years together and 15 married...crazy crazy and ooooh so thankful and grateful and wonderful. My heart is beyond full when I think of the The Barren. He is truly a match made in heaven for me. He got me a crystal ball, so I could see our long and happy lives 💖 I mean REALLY!!

Now I am left to wonder what the rest of the year holds...I am beyond most of the timelines and deadlines...so really in a free-fall again to make any kind of art I want. I am also scrambling to make some cash, I have made crafty things, placed affordable art in some gallery spaces...hoping hard that someone wants to shop and become an art collector.  I can say that although things are dry it is not from lack of trying.  I am firmly planted now...Just fine tuning and growing.

Can you speak up please....

So I am about to do something WAY OUTSIDE my wheelhouse.

WAY OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE

I have been asked to be a panel member to speak to artists in college.

It is part of the career services department and they asked me over a month ago.

I said yes thinking that I would freak out less as time passed and it would all be ok.

I sent an email last week confirming that it was still a go (half thinking it would be canceled)

but instead I go the response that yes it is still happening and in fact I was on a panel of four people addressing something like 60+ students!

okay...

who are the other artists on the panel I wondered as I read the email...

oh, you are the only artist.

the other 3 people are two gallery directors and a Whitney Biannual recipient.

When I read this, I began to cry and then proceeded to spiral into a full blown panic attack!

They couldn't find anyone else!!!

Thankfully, even though The Barren was on the other side of the country for work, after he stopped laughing after learning the news, he was able to walk me off the ledge and get me to laugh too.

I am speaking about my everyday as an artist sitting next to the very people who judge and jury my work. I offer a unique perspective to the scenario....

I am crazy scared that my words will be hard to find, and fumbled when spoken.

I want to sound cool and collected and honest.

I then freaked out about the mop that is growing out of the top of my head-vanity

...I will be attending this event after morning yoga, then a full day of work!

I am getting a haircut tomorrow in hopes to shock it into submission for at least 48 hours.

The Barren will not be able to be there, and I have not told anyone that I am doing this.

Mostly because I am not sure knowingly having someone there, might not calm me down.

My freak flag is about to fly....

I am nervous but in my heart of hearts I know I can put on a mask of calm 

and ideally speak clearly and in a helpful manner. 

It is real

I am an artist

I can not not support myself on my art alone, but not from lack of trying

but that doesn't stop me from making art...

as it is the only way I know how to connect and understand the world around me.

Okay, haircut, clean clothes

tic tacs, deep breathing and don't trip!

Mantra: speak slowly, honestly and gracefully

and laugh, because really this is a first world problem and although it is scary it will not kill you!

Beer and Cowgirl boots

It is that time of year again.

Check in on my uterus and ovaries, 

make sure they don't have any new hitchhikers.

I travel to a nearby town to check into the local hospital to 

have my pelvic ultrasounds.

I have found a great tech, that tells me what she sees before I get my results.

I take her observations as a no need to panic foreshadowing.

I spent too many years worrying after the exam whilst waiting for results.

So I found a person who will tell me if she see changes or give me a heads up.

She is awesome that way and has a similar fibroid and cyst situation.

We are in a sisterhood like that.

She offers respect and compassion that I seek on this crazy reproductive journey.

Today she told me a story of a client that came in last week for a pelvic ultrasound:

A woman came in kind of drunk she said....

she was wearing a skirt and cowgirl boots.

She told the tech that she was a little drunk that she choose to drink some beers 

for her 30oz of clear fluid to prep for the pelvic ultrasound.

(I giggled and wondered why I never had thought of that, that makes for a personal party out of a sucky medical exam.)

After the external ultrasound, she emptied her bladder and hoped back onto the exam table in a hospital gown and her boots.

The tech thought, OK I guess this is how she rolls.

As she was performing the internal portion of the exam she proclaims to the tech:

"you know my husband always wants me to keep my boots on, and I always say no....

 But for you I kept them on! "

Ahhhh the clarity of alcohol

and a vaginal probe

Pride in the journey

So The Barren is growing in his grief...he is learning to identify his triggers.

That is HUGE

He was at work learning some new stuff for his current role and a new parent was talking about how thankful they were to have some time off work and it was supported by the employer.

I got a text message saying:

" HR was talking about paid family leave and out of nowhere I find myself about to break down...doing OK now, but it was touch and go for a moment"

After work he met with him mom and they were chatting and she started to ask about all our friends with kids and how we must hang out with them and play with their kids...

He spoke up and said, you know we often need to protect ourselves from our triggers and make sure we are alright with going to an event or party. We often skip them so that we can relax and enjoy our afternoon too. He told her about the event earlier in the day.

She was flustered, and out of no where asked if we were thinking about adoption.

to which The Barren said NO

He thinks she was not sure how to deal with suddenly witnessing his grief 

...I think she just needed to get a question off her chest.

Regardless, I am beyond proud of him and his new ability to speak up about things that trigger his sorrow and memories. He is making progress and that is to be applauded.

Yoga anniversary

Ok, So I try REALLY HARD to not evangelize yoga....
I never want to sound like this....but it is funny as all hell

This last week I celebrated my 4th yogaiversary
I have been going to yoga three to four times a week for four years now!
It is the longest I have ever participated in an activity and still want to go.
This is amazing to me.

what!? are those muscles!!!
extended side angle with a double bind

I started yoga because a couple ladies I know wanted to try it
...I am the only one practicing.

When I began I was just out of my stage 4 endo diagnosis and wanted to find a way to start and reclaim my body back. I was in incredible pain from my cycles
and my back was weak and I felt broken
...just totally broken.

I started to see a difference in the first three months, I was able to mange cycle pain better.
I learned how to breathe more effectively and move my body.
I can manage stress (physical and emotional) better.

I am stronger and feel like I am in control of my body again
I can't do everything I want YET in class,
as I am still figuring out what my endo has seized up and what I can work through
...and what I can mentally believe I can do;
because it really is an exercise of the ego.

I can look at myself in the mirror while practicing,
but I will never be a front row person and I am ok with that.
I can practice next to a visually pregnant woman and not cry or focus on my loss.
I continue to do yoga in strange places at home (like above) and in public places where when I feel stress I do "lions breath" and make The Barren laugh.
I know my tummy will never be flat, no matter how many situps and how much food I restrict,
I carry the visual reminder of my losses in my belly, presenting at 10weeks forever.
I am embracing that too.

I thank my body after every class for being able to heal and move and breathe.
I like feeling strong
I am pretty proud of me right now and I simply wanted to mark this with a post.
I am tooting my own horn
and that is OK too sometimes

Circling the sun

I awoke feeling happy

I got dressed and went to yoga

I had a lovely class and felt like a million bucks

I went to my parents place to enjoy our newest ritual

birthday cake for breakfast.

As long as they are around, I figured we should have cake together 

first thing in the morning 

and I can thank them in person for making me. 

Literally.

This year my 3 year old niece was there, so she got cake for breakfast too.

Honestly, she just wanted the icing, so I gave her mine.

I had made the cake the night before, and tried something I'd never made.

A Hummingbird Cake

My parents and I sat and chatted and we visited for a long while.

then I packed up, took a photo of the driveway; where my mother had made chalk circles

of number 1-47 and had them lead to the front door.

(another ritual they do every year for birthdays, some sort of chalk drawing. They even did it when I was employed near their home and all my coworkers had to drive past their work, and then proceeded to come and wish me a happy birthday)

I love her shadow!

I traveled home, picking up actual food along the way and ate a quiet brunch at home.

Then a little nap

a little more food and then The Barren came home and we sat and visited until bedtime.

A quiet birthday.

We had gone into the big city the weekend prior and I took in some art gazing.

I think we are planning to do a similar adventure this weekend too,

Sightseeing, art adventures, with snacks

I have been focusing on enjoying little visits with dear people in my life.

I have gotten great pleasure from that.

Like I can feel my body respond from the positive visits.

I am aiming to do that as often as I can.

that is my birthday wish for myself.

Boring Thankful Thursday

Once again it has been a while since I have felt compelled to write here...I read your blogs and comment when I am moved to....but I haven't felt the need to blog here. 

I am not sure why.

Distractions...that is what I will blame it on.

I have been battling a sour stomach for months now

...and I finally got tired of taking antacids and waking in the middle of the night from burning pain and so I went to the doctor.

She pushed here and there, asked what I was eating and I listed my boring list of food.

I listed my boring list of vitamins and supplements and she nodded.

I was not eating any "trigger food"

I was simply suffering all the effects of gastritis but there were tests that could be done.

So I did them,

including a long ultrasound session to examine my internal organs.

As the ultrasound technician moved the paddle slathered in ultrasound jelly over my belly...

she gave me the scenic view complete with narrative.

 (I love this about her, she lets you know, without telling you, what she sees and doesn't see)

She showed me half my heart, I waved and said "hello heart".

Then on to the big guns: my liver and gall bladder and kidneys

She made comments like, boy these are boring nothing interesting here...

see if you had a fatty liver they would be different colors...

and these veins are hard to find when healthy...where are they?!

She made me giggle, even though I was so hungry and my stomach acid was almost unbearable.

All the results came in that I didn't have a super scary bacteria that causes ulcers and stomach cancers, and I had healthy organs.

All signs pointed back to gastritis.

I have since, reduced/eliminated my facebook time, and news time and social activism time.

I am stressed out...I am overwhelmed

I am feeling all of the responsibility of everything and for everyone...

I needed to step back.

I am blind in many ways...and it is because I need to take care of me.

It is not ideal, but I am finding that it is really important....so I grudgingly have submitted to it.

Ignorance is not bliss, but it is slowly reducing my stress and ideally reducing my longest and latest flareup episode for gastritis.

I am eating miso and soba noodles, no raw veggies (so strange!) and eating very small bits of food all day long...very slowly! 

Most of my submission art is for fundraising, donated work...although I could really use some funds in the coffee can, this is my happy medium. Finding a stress free way to help others...quietly.

I still do my yoga practice three times a week and it is hard to believe that I am rounding into FOUR years of this!!

 It is the longest and most I have ever stuck to some sort of social physical thing!

 this is truly crazy!!

I learned a new mudra 

( A mudra (/muˈdrɑː/; Sanskrit मुद्रा, "seal", "mark", or "gesture"; Tibetan: ཕྱག་རྒྱ་ THL chakgya) is a symbolic or ritual gesture in Hinduism and Buddhism. While some mudras involve the entire body, most are performed with the hands and fingers.)  the yellow one:

Your Solar Plexus (Manipura) Chakra is the third Chakra located in your abdomen, above your belly button. It is the energy center responsible for personal power, self-esteem and confidence.

I have been using it while meditating as it seemed quite fitting for

 both infertility and my current situation. 

My meditation only last a few moments....I

 have a monkey mind (constantly going, never really still) 

so I do little sessions when I can....it helps too.

So I am finding that I am boring right now....

I am seeking adventure, but it seems I need to do a few boring things first, 

like laundry and eat miso soup.

Self Awareness

stop the hate, both in yourself and for others

it has been too long....

I have been distracted, by everything...struggling to focus on anything.

I have spread myself thin and opaque.

I started to feel overwhelmed by life...

like I was responsible for everyone, and everything.

I was trying to change the world single-handedly.

I felt the responsibility of everyone's white privilege, I needed to take responsibility for every act of racism and sexism and xenophobia I saw, heard or read.

It became too much!

I was becoming paralyzed.

I have started to triage my life again...it is going much slower than I thought it would...

but I think I have landed on the right path, at least for now it feels like it.

I am still quite politically active, far more than I have ever been in my life!

I find writing a postcard and sending it off is QUITE cathartic.

cheap therapy...I recommend it to anyone; write about anything and send it to anyone!

I had forgotten to take my Vitamin D and felt the effects of the deep sadness...

I have remedied that now as well.

I have been kinder to myself when 4am comes around, and I simply don't feel like driving 40+ miles into town early for practice.

 I know I need to go at least three times a week but sometimes that doesn't happen and that is OK. 

I have felt the changes of aging without children.

My best friend (we live far to many miles from each other) was in town for 36hrs for an art installation and asked me to help. Which I gladly did. She needed to race home to be with her kiddo for his 12th birthday....when I asked he about the day he was born, she started to cry and looked me in the eyes and said that she now knows so many people who can't have children besides me and she feels so thankful that after her miscarriage she was able to get pregnant again and that she is so sorry.

I hugged her and told her it was not a burden she needed to bear, she was allowed to complain and be frustrated and thankful all at the same time!

I felt her pain so deeply.

I have been feeling EVERYTHING so so so deeply.

It is another aspect of my overwhelming of life.

My niece turns 13 today, I unconsciously calculate where I was in trying to create our family.

Each of these children in our lives are markers of how far down the path we have walked.

How far away from our hopes of a child we have wandered.

The birth announcements are father apart now, and the birthdays are larger numbers.

I know the second round, generation is on the horizon...I wonder if I will still calculate where I was on the day they were born...how long that marker of memory will last and when it might be replaced with a memory of them...simply them and me.