My Cervix

****candid- real talk about exams****

 It is that time of year again...check under the hood and see how things are.

Like years prior I tried to make all the appointments in a week, so I could get them all done and then be done for a year...but that circles thing is still haunting me. I had my general checkup/in and to say that my primary wasn't happy with my answer to her : Are you happy? question is kind of an understatement. What did she really expect...I mean I think all of us have been run the fuck over these last two years. My response of "mediocre" was not received well and she offered no other options other than noting that she wanted me to take care of myself?! WTF

I was cleared and told that my cervix was too closed to do a proper pap and that I needed to have ANOTHER one done by the GYN department....as well as a stack of other orders for mammos and ultrasounds and follow-up bloodwork.

Meanwhile the gastro doctor needed me to REPEAT all the samples I had done two months ago because the lab didn't culture them all.

I went for my pap redo yesterday and aside from a single extremely pregnant woman in the waiting room, the other ladies in waiting all seemed unfazed and not pregnant.

I decided to have the NP that did my endo biopsy do this retry and she tried...and then asked for more things to try and do it. I was laying there flayed open with a speculum in place for longer that most of us would like, she proclaimed that more things were needed and rang for another woman in the office to fetch other devices to try and open my cervix enough to get cervical cells....after what felt like an entire construction site worth of devices she said she was not able to open the cervix enough.

She prescribed an estrogen suppository for me to take for a couple months in hope that would soften my cervix enough to take a proper pap. So she wants to try again in February. 

I felt defeated, and disappointed and after I got dressed, it also felt like I had been punched in my vagina. I have had some mild cramping too...but I am guessing that was from the clamp they put on my cervix while trying to get a cervical dilatator into me.

Today was my pelvic ultrasound...it was obvious when the ultrasound tech started to place the probe that there was a tissue tear in my vaginal wall from yesterday and then she said she could see where the NP tried to get into my cervix...in fact she said to expect spotting in the next couple of days as things looked poked. She told me that my ovaries are starting to get smaller too. I was thankful for the heads up and the repeated checking-in on me to see if I was alright and not uncomfortable. 

I left the appointment and sat in my car for a little cry, my vulva throbbing and aching.

It was a lot of things to process.

I am cooking tonight, feeling like I need to control something today...anything for that matter.

I was suppose to do a family photo shoot, but the family postponed and I am kind of grateful. It means I have some time to work through some feelings about this whole couple of days. I think I am going to soak in a tub tonight too, ideally it will help start some healing.

I know that a lot of my feelings are surfacing from my IF days, when I had most of the people from my county in my vagina, looking around and giving opinions. I can put on a mask, swallow pain, discomfort and make little jokes to deflect real feelings...but I am not so okay with doing that anymore. I am tired. I am tired of feeling like I am broken or unwell. This entrance into menopause is like taking a dive into a dark deep pool and no one tells you what the water temp is, what is in the pool or if you will sink or swim....because each of us sees that pool differently and so why tell you anything.

It has been a rough start to the week, I still have a breast ultrasound, and a follow-up with the gastro doc (who will be wondering why I am not sicker)

I am not wanting to complain, but really wonder if this is what to expect from here on out. Does anyone else have this experience? closed cervix with the onset of menopause, having to do paps over and over? How are you handling the beginnings of menopause, or perimenopause? 

Any advice or tips would be of great enlightenment.

Meanwhile...

With very few exceptions (one farmers market run, one grocery store)  I have stayed indoors, 

at home since the 15th of March.

My yoga studio has been creating videos so that we can continue to practice at home.

I have been doing classes. I find that I get lazy at home and 

it makes home practice a true challenge for me, 

which is why my practice at a studio was so important.

I am doing classes daily, but they are different and I tend to not push myself.

I continue to be the go-getter for the home. 

The Barren is still employed thankfully, and our kitchen has become his office Monday-Friday.

His whole company went virtual on the 13th at 5pm...which is wonderful because they have offices all over the world. So every office community is now safer because of it.

My job has stopped, as has my income, which was a trickle to begin with...

I have items on EBAY, and Etsy but nothing has moved in a long time.

I am trying to not think about how I have no income

*stay calm*

I am quite emotional today for some reason.

Hubby thinks that the isolation is starting to get to me....

but the real thing that is starting to get to me is the expectations!

I am an artist that now has every hour of the day available to make work, 

meaningful work, important work...and lots of it!

I am not able to focus.

I have work in progress, but I seem unable to turn my attention to it.

All the shows my art was suppose to be in have been cancelled.

I have no venues to show my work in.

* breathing, thankful breathes, to be breathing *

I have two other artist women that text a couple times a week to report on all the work they are doing.

all the paintings they are working on and completing.

How it is like they are preparing for a solo show, work and ideas flowing like rivers!

I scanned a vintage photo from my collection and have drawn it 

over and over and painted it different each time, here are the first two.

I am trying but...I am not a painter

Meanwhile, I am carving little stamps and make hand-stamped postcards for people.

(until the postage I have here at home has run out)

Love bombs, that make me feel a little better imagining my niece getting a card she can color in the mail...or the great-grandma on lock-down getting a little love note from a stranger.

In an effort to escape from myself this morning, I watched YouTube videos of a random person walking through major museums...just to remember what it was like to walk those halls in my past.

I was weepy and wouldn't make eye contact with The Barren.

Favorite quarantine activity:

I have been feeding the snails on my patio and learned that: 

they do not like carrot greens but do love

lettuce, kale and my potted plants.

I hope that this miserable post finds you all healthy

beautifully sane

and maybe still a little hopeful

Sitting and thinking

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently.

Some days it manifests as napping, or seated meditation or wall staring. 

Regardless of its form, I have been doing a lot of reflecting.

I think my rant (previous post) got under my skin...

and seeing it there made me realize I was upset over things that I really don't have space for.

Nor, do I want to have space for...

As I have been aging away from baby-making years, 

I find that the first few years (10 or so) were beyond comprehension painful.

I found depths of sadness I never knew existed.

I almost slipped forever into those places, never to return.

I will never forget those times, although they are years away, they are very close still.

I am thankful for that minuscule/tiny spark in me that said to keep fighting...

keep being a badass, a noisemaker, a warrior.

As I am much farther down that path, 

I am thankful for my bodies ability to heal and recover 

and find new ways to make me fall in love with it again.

I can be okay with turning away from the baby oogling and cooing.

I am okay smiling at toddlers as they give me deer in headlight stares from shopping carts.

I am okay not being Okay with something one day and totally fine with it another.

I am giving myself permission to listen if I want and 

walk away if it don't feel connected with talk of children. 

This last month was endometriosis awareness month

and there was a big campaign on Instagram about it...

people declaring they were or someone they cared about was 1 in 10

people dealing with Endo.

One of the questions asked of the community was:

What gift has your Endo diagnosis given you?

I engaged and said:

 That after my stage 4 diagnosis, I was freed of guilt.

I realized that my infertility reflected nothing I had done wrong. 

I had done nothing wrong

I am practicing in a new yoga studio these days and have pumped up my practice to daily. 

This new studio is closer to home and has a lot of different kinds of classes.

One I take twice a week has been teaching me real meditation skills and I have already found them to be reflecting in my daily routines.*

This last weekend I spent two days cooking for Passover.

I made everything from scratch and we hosted my parents, a new tradition for us.

*The Barren mentioned that I was quite calm, and not frantic like I normally am.

We started this tradition because my mother would be working her tail off of days and when the family came for dinner she never sat and enjoyed the meal herself...for like 45+ years! 

so I make her meal and she and my father sit and enjoy the meal without chaos and distractions and have conversations with us.

This year, I did all the cooking and served a super homemade meal...

My father was not impressed

He didn't like most of what I made and told me so.

*I listened and heard him and sat in those critiques

After they left, I quietly washed dishes and sat down.

I overslept the alarm for class the next morning....

When I was finally awake, The Barren asked if I was alright...

I had been standing for the last two days, and it made sense that I was tired.

I told him I felt hurt that my efforts to impress my father made no difference to my father....

but I understood that I was seeking validation for something I wanted to do.

He not liking the food was his thing.

*Me feeling hurt that he didn't like the food was mine;

I needed to focus on the fact that I enjoyed making the food, 

and thinking of family that had made it before me.

I had no space or desire for the negative places I went

I was more aware of myself now  

I am becoming more aware of who I am now...

and for that I am thankful

Beer and Cowgirl boots

It is that time of year again.

Check in on my uterus and ovaries, 

make sure they don't have any new hitchhikers.

I travel to a nearby town to check into the local hospital to 

have my pelvic ultrasounds.

I have found a great tech, that tells me what she sees before I get my results.

I take her observations as a no need to panic foreshadowing.

I spent too many years worrying after the exam whilst waiting for results.

So I found a person who will tell me if she see changes or give me a heads up.

She is awesome that way and has a similar fibroid and cyst situation.

We are in a sisterhood like that.

She offers respect and compassion that I seek on this crazy reproductive journey.

Today she told me a story of a client that came in last week for a pelvic ultrasound:

A woman came in kind of drunk she said....

she was wearing a skirt and cowgirl boots.

She told the tech that she was a little drunk that she choose to drink some beers 

for her 30oz of clear fluid to prep for the pelvic ultrasound.

(I giggled and wondered why I never had thought of that, that makes for a personal party out of a sucky medical exam.)

After the external ultrasound, she emptied her bladder and hoped back onto the exam table in a hospital gown and her boots.

The tech thought, OK I guess this is how she rolls.

As she was performing the internal portion of the exam she proclaims to the tech:

"you know my husband always wants me to keep my boots on, and I always say no....

 But for you I kept them on! "

Ahhhh the clarity of alcohol

and a vaginal probe

Putting feet where my heart is

I have become an voice in the fight

I am making choices everyday to speak up, regardless of my fears.

I am actively choosing to attend marches and sign petitions and make calls.

I was quite overwhelmed for a couple weeks, 

slipping into the door of depression for a time and again.

I felt the weight of my white privilege and 

the responsibly to make sure others acknowledged theirs.

I felt angry and heartbroken at family that said they loved me and the world around them,

 but then stood in support of Lord Marmalade and his racist, sexist and xenophobic choices.

I have made the choice to be a voice, 

I am fighting the BIG fight, looking at the BIG picture.

I am thinking about the generations after me, 

I am trying to secure the rights and safety.

I am learning and growing.

I find being infertile in this struggle has given me a unique voice

in this conversation. 

For that I am thankful.

Run over

So last week I was dead set on going back to yoga after missing the week because of my head-cold...and I arrived to my class on Friday with a sore stomach and feeling sweaty.

I brushed it aside to peri-menopausal symptoms and that I ate too much cabbage the night before.

Plus now I am convinced that the heated room 

and a good sweat can solve all coming cooties and ickies.

I got settled into class, and I started to feel dizzy...

OK move slow...

then the face-down poses started and the pressure on my stomach was not good....

then the standing was iffy, then the forward fold...

and a "wet burp". 

I calmly walk out of class and await the following...nothing. 

Performance anxiety

I try and return to class to finish and it is made PERFECTLY CLEAR

 that is not going to happen!

Defeated, I roll up my mat, take my cold sweaty body to the showers, 

get dressed and head to work....

Wrong choice number 2

I am able to stay for about an hour, 

before I need to get into my car to head home.

Along the drive I think of all the errands I still need to do...

and then I head a voice in my head.

"take care of yourself, don't do anything but go home"

I reason with myself that I can take the mail the following day to get postage...

I make it home to see the neighbor walking his toddler and newborn, he looks up at me as I am exiting my car and says hey how ya doing? 

I say " I'm sick keep a distance" 

he says yeah, I'm trying to keep her head out of it, 

she just tossed all down the front of me, 

referencing the swaddled newborn he was attached to. 

I suddenly image the smell of curdled milk....

I made it in the house, up the stairs and to the bathroom just in time to lose it....

The rest of the day was spent shivering, 

sweating and sleeping until The Barren made it home from work 

with anti nausea medicine and saltines.

He rescued me once again.

Why do I go into details?

If I had a child this would have been made SOOOO MUCH MORE complicated

I was thankful that I just needed to deal with me that day

as I could barely do that.

This last weekend was spent recovering

Then....

The Barren started to not feel well again, we have  

both been battling something for the last two weeks!

Now he is headed off to the doc as his cough is sounding different 

and keeping sleeping at bay.

I joked with a friend that 46 is HARD

I got to be a birthday girl for three days and then I got sick!

Can I call a do over?

Then after this last weekend I told The Barren that I was in 

metamorphosis and that I am gonna be one DAMN fine butterfly

when this was gone.
I refuse to let everything lead to something bad any longer!

Keep on Trucking

OK

So my last few posts have been heavy and loaded with life crap

I am still in shock but, I finally got some good news

I submitted a portfolio of work that I had hoped :

" demonstrated a professional level of proficiency in the medium"

&

" Work that showed a consistent, well developed artistic vision"

I had waited years to submit to this group, 

they hold very high standards and quite frankly, 

I was intimidated to try until just now.

They are the oldest guild (of their kind) in the US, started in 1912

I had a "what the fuck" moment and submitted.

This year they also allowed online submissions and 

it saved me having to drive several hundred miles to submit my work.

Needless to say I was counting the days as the month grew longer 

and when the email finally arrived I was scared 

but, the first words were kind so I read further 

and it was a congratulations letter!

I told The Barren who in turn wanted to get wasted and hang from the ceiling....

but I was in shock so I told him I only needed a hug.

He was deflated...but gave me a hug.

I am still in disbelief.

I think after all these months of "No Thank Yous"

I am in disbelief that I possessed the ability to make something worthwhile

I finally let The Barren cheer for me and I had a little moment of cheering myself...

I did it.

I also made it through the annual 50,000 mile service update with the doctor.

It was low on drama and I was frank and forthright, and had a list.

I told her quite openly that my relationship with food had dramatically changed, 

and that most meals involve guilt and fear.

I told her that I think about everything I eat on a scale of  

" would the doctor think this was a right choice"

(How twisted is that! I know it is, but it doesn't stop me from thinking it still)

She looked concerned and after asking some basic do you smoke, how much do you drink, are you exercising questions, she tried to assure me that I am doing good, 

that I am in the right BMI (a number I do not believe in) 

and that I should keep on trucking. 

She also diagnosed me with Costochondritis

I have had this for almost a year and aside from feeling like " is this a heart attack?"

and some reassurances from women weightlifters

I was glad to hear that I wasn't in fact imagining it 

and I am NOT having heart attacks.

I had fasted for the appointment and by the time I left, I had to give blood too...

that was an hour of waiting and I was famished when I left...

there was a new vegan cafe I had yet to try 

so I was the first one in the door when they opened at 11am

(I had been up drinking water since 6am to plump up my veins so the vampire wouldn't miss)

 I had their "most popular" sandwich:

a vegan Ruben...after ordering it I wondered if I had made a good choice

mayo-ish stuff, cheeze-ish stuff, sauerkraut

first thing in my tummy for the day...

it looked like this:

watch out tummy here comes what I deem as breakfast

then it looked like this:

after I licked the plate

I wandered home, and did this:

It was a highly productive day

Three Glasses...and some salad

**gloomy post***

I'll own it

I stayed at home all day for mother's day

Hiding, avoiding, and not feeding into the day.

I didn't get any calls, or cards or mementos 

I am not a mother after all

I did send cards to a few friends/family members wishing them a happy Mothering day.

It was easier to send the cards this year than it has been in the past.

I got them weeks ahead of time and so it was simply adding a few words of love and a stamp

My mother was home sick, so I didn't have the pressure of visiting her either.

Since then, I have been working slowly on my own work

doing practice as often as I can

fighting off colds/bugs by doing practice and sleeping.

I haven't been thinking about much really these days and I think that is an issue.

I am in a slump

I am fighting comparing myself to others

fighting self worth issues 

and body issues

I bowed out of a few social events recently, just saying I wasn't able to make them

and not going to them seemed easier than trying to pretend to be present.

This last weekend was a social one that I couldn't bow out of.

Starting with a girls dinner at a neighbors place.

I was anxious about going but I put on some mascara and went and played the mantra, 

have fun, relax over and over in my head.

I was relaxed and having fun, until the second group of ladies showed up 

and I realized that there was another full uterus, the hostess being the other.

Then another woman came in glowing and throwing her hand into everyone's face 

saying, hug me I just got engaged.

I looked at a friend and said, I think I'll take that glass of wine now.

She smiled and in my mind the place suddenly filled with pregnant women.

In reality there were two out of 10

As intoxication was reached, I participated in a dress swap and was able to get a lovely 70's disco queen dress that I had admired from a friend and she in exchange was gonna get a dress that was washed and now too short for my taste.

 Then a slow walk home, 

texting The Barren that I was drunk and walking home.

On arrival I fell onto the couch and The Barren arrived soon after, smiling and happy that I was drunk and in an OK mood.

Sunday was another social event, and I was super anxious.

I adore the women from this group but I always have this feeling that I am the fat girl

I get a once over (full body up and down glance) before the hug hello

it sucks!

I am meant to feel like I need to be doing more, making more, exhibiting more, being more aggressive or MORE....

I was the driver for this event, and so I only had a single glass of wine and salad

Socializing was mellow and free flowing but I became self conscience many times over when people asked about what I ate and didn't eat.

I remember saying at one point, I have a strange and treacherous relationship with food now.

I think I said it enough under my breath to avoid additional questions.

It is true though.

I try and enjoy what I eat, constantly making efforts to only eat and make healthy choices but recently most food has some measurement on a self imposed guilt scale. 

I fantasize about eating a chocolate croissant and a cup of black tea with sugar...or a poached egg in a bowl of noodle soup.

Ugh this all just sucks....

I need to find a way to escape this latest encampment in this place....

it isn't black and doom and gloomy

but thick enough to make me stop in my tracks.

To Hell With It All

I am having one of those kind of weeks!

I am having trouble focusing on my tasks...hubby is working late all too much.

I am in a state of constant hunger and all I want to do is make it all work.

So tonight I introduce a new theme:

 "To hell with it all"

Maybe if I throw caution to the wind and kick loose a little

I can shake back into place what is out of whack

I wholeheartedly support any of you doing it too!

Life is too short for this bullshit