The ugly bathroom

fancy wear

The Barren and I attended a wedding recently. It was for one of his coworkers and it was one of those events where you know no one but the groom and have met the bride once or twice before and when you did you were slightly drunk....

and distracted.

The groom comes from a wealthy family...the kind that lives in those houses that you drive by and think what does it look like in that house?!

We dressed in our best fancy clothes and attended the backyard (of an ESTATE) wedding.

Guests were gathering in the living room before the backyard was opened and I was looking at family photos when I noticed the grooms parents had photos with people

like MARGRET THATCHER and BARBARA BUSH and stuff....

We were the country mice in the big city.

I complimented, who I thought was the father of the groom, on the beautiful etchings that were on display and was told that was the uncle of the groom....

so I didn't feel awkward or anything. 

I headed to the toilet before the backyard was opened and could not stop laughing....

the fancy house had an ugly bathroom!

Padded fabric walls in green fleur toile!!

This is what made these very fancy people real...

this made me feel relieved, reassured and entertained.

I am wearing my grandmothers belt, yes that is a HUGE lion buckle

The Barren calls it my big pussy belt.

I can do that

We were so freaked out to be on our best behavior and proper but after we saw this bathroom our guards came down and we relaxed a little.

We sat in the backyard before the ceremony and drank a drink or two and played corn-hole 

(where that name comes from I don't know....)

then the very sweet ceremony and we were off to catered reception.

The bride and groom are SERIOUS dance floor party animals and The Barren and I left for home before the cake was cut...I hadn't had anything but a couple carrots and celery (nothing else was vegan friendly) and The Barren had earned passenger status and was fed....

We felt like outsiders, invited outsiders, but it made us feel old and strange.

We were honored to attend and witness a sweet vow exchange and when the talk all turned to babies

as it does at weddings...we looked at each other and said "I hope their home is filled with babies"

then kissed each other and drank another drink.

Three Glasses...and some salad

**gloomy post***

I'll own it

I stayed at home all day for mother's day

Hiding, avoiding, and not feeding into the day.

I didn't get any calls, or cards or mementos 

I am not a mother after all

I did send cards to a few friends/family members wishing them a happy Mothering day.

It was easier to send the cards this year than it has been in the past.

I got them weeks ahead of time and so it was simply adding a few words of love and a stamp

My mother was home sick, so I didn't have the pressure of visiting her either.

Since then, I have been working slowly on my own work

doing practice as often as I can

fighting off colds/bugs by doing practice and sleeping.

I haven't been thinking about much really these days and I think that is an issue.

I am in a slump

I am fighting comparing myself to others

fighting self worth issues 

and body issues

I bowed out of a few social events recently, just saying I wasn't able to make them

and not going to them seemed easier than trying to pretend to be present.

This last weekend was a social one that I couldn't bow out of.

Starting with a girls dinner at a neighbors place.

I was anxious about going but I put on some mascara and went and played the mantra, 

have fun, relax over and over in my head.

I was relaxed and having fun, until the second group of ladies showed up 

and I realized that there was another full uterus, the hostess being the other.

Then another woman came in glowing and throwing her hand into everyone's face 

saying, hug me I just got engaged.

I looked at a friend and said, I think I'll take that glass of wine now.

She smiled and in my mind the place suddenly filled with pregnant women.

In reality there were two out of 10

As intoxication was reached, I participated in a dress swap and was able to get a lovely 70's disco queen dress that I had admired from a friend and she in exchange was gonna get a dress that was washed and now too short for my taste.

 Then a slow walk home, 

texting The Barren that I was drunk and walking home.

On arrival I fell onto the couch and The Barren arrived soon after, smiling and happy that I was drunk and in an OK mood.

Sunday was another social event, and I was super anxious.

I adore the women from this group but I always have this feeling that I am the fat girl

I get a once over (full body up and down glance) before the hug hello

it sucks!

I am meant to feel like I need to be doing more, making more, exhibiting more, being more aggressive or MORE....

I was the driver for this event, and so I only had a single glass of wine and salad

Socializing was mellow and free flowing but I became self conscience many times over when people asked about what I ate and didn't eat.

I remember saying at one point, I have a strange and treacherous relationship with food now.

I think I said it enough under my breath to avoid additional questions.

It is true though.

I try and enjoy what I eat, constantly making efforts to only eat and make healthy choices but recently most food has some measurement on a self imposed guilt scale. 

I fantasize about eating a chocolate croissant and a cup of black tea with sugar...or a poached egg in a bowl of noodle soup.

Ugh this all just sucks....

I need to find a way to escape this latest encampment in this place....

it isn't black and doom and gloomy

but thick enough to make me stop in my tracks.

Remembered and Celebrated

Source Elizabeth Gilbert facebook page

If you haven't seen her TED talk about being a creative person

drop everything and spend the next 20min being enlightened HERE

 

the amazing sunset

 

I did something different this year and asked the Barren to join me on the anniversary of our first loss

to have a moment of quiet or reflection...

to just take a moment of the day together

and think of the little person that never manifested into a breathing being.

He of course agreed, and we took a sunset drive and ended up having dinner in a neighboring city to get away from the house.

The sunset did not disappoint and with the warm wind and sea air it felt as though we were cleansed.

I had taken time earlier that day to sit and meditate, it helped a lot to center my emotions and sit them into a more blissful state...sorrow seemed to be wrong choice and when I started to cry I found I was laughing as well. It was amazing and radiant.

 

We spent time talking quietly and toasting the ones that could not be with us.

I drank too much to drive and spent the car ride home in a marshmallow of thoughts and giggles.

We celebrated our 12th wedding anniversary (22 years together) two days later.

What a wild ride it has been with this amazing man.

When we woke up on our anniversary, I asked the Barren if it felt like 12years,

he said no, it just feels like it has always been like this.

We have always been together.



My plate is full

clearly my essential oils to "magnify my purpose" are working

So I am busy...really crazy busy, 

like so busy I am paralyzed and unable to decide which task to do first kind of busy

.....ever been that way?

I have 10 pieces to frame for upcoming shows that all pretty much need to be done by this weekend.

That is a lot of mat board and math and frame

I can totally do it but for some reason I feel compelled to sit and eat tortilla chips and watch some horrible television instead. What am I doing!!

This last weekend I had some friends over to eat some cake and make me smile...it worked

My father even participated in a music jam session...so the house was filled with sound and laughter.

it was nice...really nice and a great cherry to the weekend before sundae that I was still digesting.

I ate and loved fiddle head fern
as well as everything else that got shoved into my pie-hole

I am currently over committing myself to friends:

I made hand printed coasters for the bride and groom
the back side has three different designs too

I also volunteered, well didn't say no to a bride to be friend, who has asked me to make the cakes for her upcoming wedding (end of the month) and shoot the official photos of the day...yeah,sigh.

and help with all the other stuff that is coming up too....

Last night she sent a HUGE list of things she wants done the day of or the day before...

you know when I would be baking and sweating and freaking out over her wedding cake stuff....

and I want to help but I am a little overwhelmed...in fact so much so I didn't answer her email yet. 

In all fairness it was sent to three people besides me...who all are helping too.

I think that is my latest response to being overwhelmed: waiting...pausing.

In reflection that is probably a really good thing, because if I say something RIGHT away I would most likely add more to my already full plate of commitments and then really feel like taking to a cave and hiding.

I will answer her...I just need to slowly read it all again and figure it out.

I know I am gonna get it all done, and the pressure will be something that I don't like but I can do it and it will be completed and good events will follow suit...but until then....I can vent here and in the tub at night.

I have also been reflecting on being child free...someone asked me at the gym the other day if I had kids.

I simply said nope

She was kind of unsure what to say so she said "well kids aren't for everyone"

I just smiled

I use to answer, no, I have cats....but I was finding that it was a cop-out...like: no, but the cats are just as good. So this was the first time I got to say what I really felt.

I was OK with it, no need to overshare, or be snarky or drop an emo bomb...

It felt comfortable and right.

I watch my SIL juggle a little one and two others and see her still trying to be herself and a wife.

I am thankful for that...both all she is doing and that I am not juggling all that too!

That is a huge step I think for myself...I am really finding comfort again in my self.

On a side note:

This is what I got from my mom and pop on my birthday...

yep, baked goodies and a fresh skull from an owl pellet

I love that the randomness in my life is coming back!

B-day hangover

I had a very quiet birthday.

The Barren took me out with the intention of us drinking,
relaxing and hopefully starting a weekend of laughter.
I made reservations for us at a local place that actually makes drinks with alcohol in them,
and the food is alright...
We ended up talking about our infertility most of the night...
he is finding himself in a strange place,
wanting to move on but the constant questions from others makes it hard to.
The drinks allowed us to laugh about lots of things, instead of cry.
 

By my third drink I was pretending to be on a first date with him.

He found this very funny, I thought in my drink induced haze I was being sneaky.

...then I suggested we go for a walk; that idea ended after the fourth step outside

when I realized how heavy my head was,
and the act of balancing it took too much effort
 in combination with walking.

He suggested we drive home,
The Barren took an alternative route and I think he was headed to the beach for a

make-out session with his "date"...but

I had closed my eyes and when I opened them I thought I was being kidnapped

and although I made him laugh, it was clear I was panicked.
Make out session nixed
Instead...

We arrived home to me literally crawling upstairs and falling on the floor,
laughing hysterically at the cats "sitting there judging me"
and collapsing into bed.

2am woke me by slamming a hammer against my skull and

Saturday was a greasy food hangover recovery day.

so, for some a typical birthday,
for me bittersweet,
as I think I was trying to make it all normal.

hangover food: vegetarian version
grilled cheese-raw onions-french fries

 

***

My cake eating party went OK,
a friend received a call just as we were cutting the cake,
that something happened to her fiance who was returning from a weekend trip
and the mood dropped and we dispersed.
Leaving a lot of cake and a gallon of homemade ice cream in the freezer.
(fiance OK, but a member of his adventure passed away)
 

My dear friends planned a "do-over"

I was embarrassed at them wanting to make a fuss, but also deeply touched.
We had sangria and dinner and then I got a gift on top of all that.
It was lovely.

I made these two options for sugar overload, plus cookies...
it was insane of me

My birthdays seem to be evolving into a smaller, quieter gatherings.
I use to have HUGE parties and some little part of me still craves that,
but I am coming to understand as we age it doesn't always work out that way anymore.
I think I am OK with this evolution.

I think I carried a lot of last years memories with me into this birthday.
Reflecting on my mother and father and how radically my relationship has shifted with them.
It was hard to not think of, it was hard to not remember, it was hard to let go of.
My mother and father are "fine", and I struggle daily with not parenting them for two reasons:
1. they are not ready/needing parenting yet
2. I am not ready to be my parents parent.
I have to remember this, well mostly number 1, because I know when the time comes number 2 is something I will never be ready for.

I feel a personal evolution within again too:
I am becoming older, and possibly wiser.
Problem is, I don't want to grow up anymore...