Thursday, September 13, 2007

Specimen cup

I have something swimming around in me.
In the 50-60's it was called a nervous breakdown.
Now it is called "burn out" or "exhaustion"

I am having all of the above. I have been run dry.
All I had in me is gone, the reserves are gone ,the emergency back up is gone, the back up for the backup is gone.
There is nothing left to draw from.

I was told to take some time off, I can't afford to. I have bills to pay and frankly, I like eating and having clean clothes.
So instead my body is starting to break down.
I have trouble sleeping, I have trouble shitting, I have trouble paying attention.
I am trying to distract myself from myself with new "projects", but I find that I only have a short attention span.

I am planning a surprise party for my mother, I was excited about it...but that is fading and I am one week away from it. I need to focus and pay attention or else I will be disappointed; and it will disappoint her and the guests.

I went to the doctor yesterday, as I have had a headache everyday for the last three weeks! Either I wake up with one or I am awoken from sleep with pain or I develop one during the day and go to sleep with it.
I have one everyday and have stopped taking pain pills for them as they are simply poisoning me.

The doctors assistant did some tests in house and finally said, I need to ask you to pee in this cup so I can check it off the list of possibilities.
I looked at her and said, " it will be negative, but I understand"

As I squatted over the toilet imagining water flowing in an effort to make myself pee....I filled the container with urine and closed it tight, walked back to the room and waited.

Sitting there in silence and anticipation, I had to tell myself out loud that "it will be negative. Even as much as you want it to not be, it will not reveal a secret pregnancy"
sometimes I image that I will be the shocked and it will happen out of no where and against all odds....but that never happens.
So on top of my head throbbing and not being able to deal with the light in the room, I was emotionally stepped on again.

She was at least compassionate about it, and said it was negative in passing, making the whole ordeal easier to swallow.
I have muscle relaxers and a nasal spray. They seem to be helping.
Tension is to blame for now...and maybe sinus inflammation.