Monday, May 27, 2019


"Strange fascinations fascinate me Ah, changes are takin'The pace I'm goin' through"

David Bowie-Changes

I am feeling a little bit like a caterpillar in her cocoon.
I am not sure what to expect, but things are changing.

My body is changing, I am only having small "oh no" moments when I think I have forgotten to take my pill...they are coming farther and farther apart these days.

I have been doing yoga, taking my vitamins, working and trying to come to terms with my body image. That last part seems to be rearing an ugly predictable head and I am trying to "whack a mole" it away.
Image result for whack a mole gif

Thinking too much about what I look like, what I am eating, looking closely at every hair and line and fold wondering if I can make them go away...or am I really just falling in love with it and fighting that. Like finding something wrong in a potential partner, but only looking for flaws to sabotage the relationship.
I want to be in love with my amazing strong body...

My mindset is shifting too...
We were at farmers market the other day and a toddler was having a fit because a sibling was able to push a  cart or something, and I was able to smile as we walked past it. The Barren watched the little person throw themselves onto the ground and smiled at the determination; and our ability to walk past it.
Normally I would stop and watch it unfold see how the parent dealt with it and take mental notes for myself in a similar situation. 
I don't need to.
I don't nee that knowledge.
I seemed at peace with that, and The Barren seemed calm too.
We are growing, maybe even aging out of the infertility mindset.

We were suppose to host our 15yr old niece this weekend, but she is super behind on her schoolwork and her parents were tired of enforcing her doing her work...but I wasn't and said that she could not come over until she caught up. She has been wishy washy about school work and her mother is as well, while my brother is strict about it for two weeks then folds out of exhaustion from trying to enforce something that my niece could clearly not give two shits about. So I just stepped in and said, she had another week, to catch up.
I felt like, she needs to understand that this is important, it is her first year of high school.

I guess I was being a parent, in an Auntie way.
I am pretty sure things won't change much in the next week...
but I wanted to put my two cents in, I guess.

School was super important to me, and I equated knowledge with freedom. 
I was teased/bullied for being smart in elementary school, so much so, the teachers had a meeting with the class when I wasn't there, which made it worse and so I pulled back and stopped trying. It took years to mentally recoup myself and by the end of high school, I was pushing forward and making great efforts-and college was another hill but I took every class the community college offered and found myself quite smart...
much to the surprise to many around me, who had kept the image of apathetic me in mind.
I love learning and school.
My brother didn't nor did his wife.
so there is that.

The Barren and I have plans for her next weekend, some live local music, bookstores and space to talk or simply draw.
 We look forward to learning more about her, if she allows us.
We are done being a parent and ready to simple be allies or influencers.

Thursday, May 02, 2019

After Party

Niece is healed
I am thankful that she can do things like lay on her stomach and exercise again.
yeah science!

My birthday came and went
birthday outfit

I started the day with yoga...
turns out, the one person I chat with in morning classes is a birthday twin!
Never in my life have I known someone else who shares my birthday!
( I will call it mine even though it is hers too)

I had breakfast chessecake bars with my parents, 
along with an awkward but nice visit.
The Barren sent flowers to me, 
he hasn't done that in years!
and then I was alone...
I wondered what to do.
I bought myself some lunch out
I went to a thrift store
and then came home again still not sure what to do with myself.

I ended the night with some couch time with the cat and then off to bed.
I think I need to plan my birthday activities far better for next year.
I am left with a feeling of disappointment in myself.

The Barren returned and will be leaving again Sunday for another week away....
I am excited about what he will be able to do while away...but I miss him terribly.

I have yet to get my period too...
seems I am already all over the board with my cycles.
I took a pregnancy test yesterday...
just to cross that off my worry list.
Now it is a worry...before it would not have been,
The Barren asked if it felt weird peeing on a stick again...
I said it wasn't too weird except I could hear my heart beating in my ears.

The not bleeding thing is wild, and quite a convenient feature in my day.
I am apocalypse level loaded up on tampons and pads... and if things continue like this, 
I will make them into small grab bags for homeless women I encounter.

I was chatting with a yoga teacher before class the other day and she asked how I was feeling post birthday...she is a true star gazer and always keeps me in the loop about astro changes and how they are linked with mood and life...and I explained aside from the normal existential thoughts around your birthday it feels like something in percolating.

I eagerly await this wonderful new event!
I am done with negative shit