Bog Witches

Melancholy is my new normal.

I am moving slower, staying near home more, being okay with being alone more.

The Barren is in the middle of all his trips for the year; so I am doing my best to center myself with alone time. Art focusing, reading books, talking to the cats, yoga and growing food. 

I am actively trying to be present, but it is like living in a surreal state, where this new world is unfolding around me daily/hourly. It is hard to still wrap my head around how much has been lost, and how much is still being taken by this Sherbert Pervert and his minion of cowards.

****

I took the train to meet The Barren after his week long conference so we could drive home together and selfishly I could spend time with him from the very moment he was freed of his work commitments. The train took 6 hours, I got off, hugged and kissed my sweetie and then got into his car and we started the drive back home. I have done this a few times because I can't bear the idea that he would have to drive home, exhausted alone. So I am there as an optional driver and company. This year we stopped at a "plant butcher" so I could have a meal that I didnt have to cook. I tried legumes for the first time in a long while and although I was terrified about how my body might react, it did alright! I had the farts and a little bloat, but zero pain and I was happy about that.

A party this past weekend had questions about how I was feeling and it sat strange with me. Afterwards, I told The Barren that I don't want to talk about my health in social situations anymore. There is so much attached to it, like an oozing barnacle of attached emotions. In the end, it leaves me feeling badly about myself and I don't want to feel that way anymore. He heard me and saw what a spiral it sent me into. So hopefully that will be something of the past for now.

It felt empowering and scary to set that line in the ether.I am proud of myself for doing it.

***

                My car has driven to the moon and then some, I have diven it over 290,000 miles.
                                                            The moon is 238,900 miles.

While I was picking up my car from the mechanics after a routine oil change/inspection, I was joking with the woman who runs the office for her brother the mechanic (much like my work situation).  I told her that I had worked out really hard that morning and I was afraid to sit in the provided chair, as I might have a really hard time standing again. We joked about aging and new noises our bodies make and then she said, 'We having a meeting of bog witches the first of each month at a local divebar, we call it "bookclub" but it is mostly a group of older gals sitting and making community. Sometimes we make protest signs, sometimes we just bitch or learn about native plants. If you would like to join us, this is where we meet and you are welcome swing by and hang out with us"

I felt sooooooo coool! Like the coolest person in school invited me to sit with them at lunch, because I was unique and they liked it!

Needless to say, I will battle my introvert tendencies and do my best to join their next meeting.

It was so flipping cool.

Then I paid my $200 bill and left on my broom, that looks like a well loved and cared for car.

Memory of loss, and a little growth

**trigger warning: miscarriage** 

Today marks the anniversary of my final miscarriage.

I wrote about it HERE when it was happening.

I was alone, and one of my old-man cats sat on me or sat with me the whole time. It was unlike him, and now I am thankful he sensed that I was very alone, and losing my final attempt of motherhood. He is woven into the memory of the days.

Since then, when this day arrives I remember that final loss as the end of the pavement. A path I was familiar with that was now suddenly, unpaved and new and unknown. I took a self portrait that day, strangely I had a slight smirk. Maybe it was reflex to smile, and then at the same moment, I realized it was not happy or sad...but just was. That is the lingering feeling now.

It just was

I think of my star child often; sometimes they come to me in visions or dreams....other times I suddenly feel like I have forgotten to pick someone up or that the person I want to turn to has walked away, and I am left standing alone, staring into the ether.

They never got big enough to ever know completely. 

Now several years later, it is a day like others, except there are pauses along the way that I take to reflect and send love out. Much like days of loss for my grandparents and friends and companions that have left this plane of existence.

I think that is growth...I have learned how to carry the sorrow in a manageable way. Does that mean I have forgotten it or moved on....not really. The Barren has been pointing out and gazing at small humans much more often these days and I think that has been a revisited heartbreak for me and him. We are emotional and empathic people, so this is natural for us...but with a bitter twist of our own loss folded in.

So I send extra gentle hugs out to you all, as you remember your losses after reading this.

We are the broken but not lost

Feeling, nothing more than feelings

 I have been feeling a lot.

There is so much going on in the world and around where I live and with the people I have in my life...

I am overwhelmed and have shifted to staring into the ether a lot these days.

We attended the "bans off our bodies" rally locally, I was proud that The Barren had ZERO hesitation about going, knew what he wanted his sign to say and was next to me the whole time while I was overstimulated by simply being outside in public.

There were about 600ish people there and we marched through the downtown corridor.

It seemed like the right thing to do, sitting at home was not what I wanted to reflect on when I thought of how I lived my life.

Ironically, one of The Barren and my first dates was a pro-choice rally nearly 30years ago!! 

I wanted to photograph the protestors and he said, I'll go with you. Then in the middle of it all, he walked up and tried to reason with one of the sign holders screaming how it was murdering babies.

I have a photo of that too

It feels like a Goliath task to try and change things...

every vote seems wrong, every law seems aligned to attack people.

I am scared, like seriously concerned that things have slid and now I am chasing the car as it drives out of sight  down the road. 

****

Our neighborhood is under the influence of a Chevron effort to secure more drilling and potentially pollute our water and Edison (power company) is set to put a new compressor station not even two miles away and put us into harms way from leaks and damaging noise.

Then there is the war against Ukraine and hunger and a million dead from Covid-19.

My parents seem to be rapidly aging before my eyes and my mother in law went out for a drink last week and when she got up in the middle of the night to get a drink passed out and split her head open and fractured a bone in her back....but she didn't tell us until she was home from the hospital.

*

EVERYTHING I have submitted this year I have been rejected from, which has really made me reassess my life and also our eldest niece has graduated high school and I feel a million years old.

My darling husband is so stressed he is considering quitting his job on a daily and I have learned to not react to that...as talking about it or working through alternatives seems to amplify things and makes him even more upset...and it doesn't help the situation for him. 

(I have mentioned again him getting some professional help to manage stress)

SOoooooooo 

I am having lots of feelings with no place to take them

We got boosted again (second boost) and I have been trying to go to the least congested yoga classes in studio with a KN95 mask on...I am the woman in the mask in the back of the room!!

I thought that maybe my mood would be boosted if I did some social yoga instead of impressing the cats with my bedroom yoga.

We are still out on the results on that one.

*

I also got The Barren to help me shift the garage around and cull many things we are feeling weighed down by...so the thrift store picked up a heavy load.

I gave my darkroom enlarger and assorted trinkets to a local guy who was setting up his first darkroom, my meditation teacher helped arrange that match. It was bittersweet when he drove away...I only cried a little. It seemed like a perfect example of time passing and aging.

I decided to focus on what I could do, and 

I signed up for some alternative process classes, using less toxic elements and I am looking forward to learning new things.

I am feeling time more these days than normal...I feel myself becoming another person. I am not sure who she is yet, but she is learning to navigate a lot of life on her own, weighing situations out. 

On the outside that mostly mostly looks like, watching and listening more....

I feel more like an adult, I never wanted to feel like a grownup, and suddenly here I am feeling just that.

Here is a photo of me doing what I love best. My friend produced this image.

We have not been able to visit as often as gasoline prices are between 6.50-7.00 dollars a gallon now and it has factored into my budget now.

I am looking forward to some good changes...there has got to be some good changes around the corner... right?!?

Sigh

Overgrown

 I've spent the last couple of weeks in online summits.

Art Summits mostly, ones I would have never been able to travel to pre-pandemic, so these online options allowed me to attend demo after discussion by many different artists and see studios all over the world and watch new processes and then rush, triple masked to the one art supply store 40+miles away and purchase new supplies with my squirreled away funds.

I have always loved school and these online events are perfect for the extreme introvert I have become.

I can sit and watch in silence or type questions from behind my on screen name or turn on my mic and ask questions. One of the best parts is that we are a whole community of introverts and socially awkward people all wanting to be together unseen and unbothered.

my people

I also popped into the Chasing Creation's Childless Collective Summit this week.

This was a summit over four days that was crazy organized, beautifully put together and filled with resources for the childless.

It was something I had wished for when I was at the start of my journey into finding who I am now.

I watched some of the recorded presentations and could not help but feel like, well it felt like I felt when I finally read Catcher in the Rye when I was 29...

I am too old of this...I have outgrown this part of me.

I was listening to lectures on navigating pain, 

dealing with conflict

making decisions about ending fertility treatments

Discovering who you are

finding ways to heal

finding a new path.

ALL FANTASTIC and interesting and I encourage you to check it out too...

but I kept saying to The Barren

" I feel like I am past all this now. I am entering menopause, I had to close that door years ago.

I guess I figured out this stuff on my own....I had to"

Time marches on regardless...we all gotta figure out if we want to keep walking or stand still.

In other "Deal with this news..."

Another couple quarantine babies are cooking in two yoga instructors. One appeared while I was in my weekly park yoga class, and seeing her so full with baby; made me want to pack up my mat and run/leave. I guess that part of me will never change. 

I feel like, I have walked into the wrong room and saw something that was forbidden...

It is a visceral reaction, and although I don't even know her, if I could hiss like a character from a bad vampire movie I would, 

before trotting off mumbling under my breath about how she was luminous and so lucky.

The Barren has gotten his first vaccine shot, as he qualifies under "underlying health conditions", I am still waiting my turn, and quite frankly...I am ok doing that. There are a lot of people who should get the shot before me and I recognize that. I also know people who have jumped the line and gotten one ahead of others. 
My parents get their second shot this Thursday and I am happy for them to get it and maybe resume a small social circle of chatting at farmers market with friends, or seeing movies in the theatre again.

My brother has so far decided to not get it, and that makes no sense to me, but I know a lot of people feel this way...so it really comes as no surprise.

2021 has been more like a 2020 version 2.0 for me, nothing surprises me anymore.

I seem to feel like noting can stick to me right now, 

stress washes over me way too easily and I spend evenings sleepless

I awake with panic attacks

I just deal with them...what else is there to do?

I am making things, eating greens, drinking water, meditating, bathing myself....

I am in a holding pattern for sure.

But somewhere, someplace inside, I feel like I'll be able to flee 

run away, and find new things to look at...

Twisted

I have been keeping up with my home yoga practice.

Many days it is like pulling myself through taffy, other days it is total joy.

This practice is healthy for me, as things are upside down in my country.

I am ashamed, angry, heartbroken and yet still hopeful.

I have begun a re-education of myself and some days it feels as though 

I am studying for a huge exam. 

I am learning to understand where and how my white privilege has benefited me.

I am understanding how many of my brothers and sisters have been denied opportunities and treated differently because of the color of their skin.

I am not talking about simple understanding; I am trying to understand the depth that white supremacy has taken a hold and been a part of culture here in the US.

The scary stuff, the hard stuff....the deep understanding of what I don't see and why.

Example one:

I am a hippy kid, a child that was raised in a multicultural neighborhood.

I had friends from all backgrounds and my mother made a point that we 

be "color blind".

I realize that was a mistake now, that by not seeing the beautiful color of my friends, 

I overlooked/ did not acknowledge, the beauty of their skin and missed out on their cultures.

I am looking into my fears and prejudices and trying to understand where they come from and if they are from trauma or outside influences.

It is hard work, but I know the hard work needs to be done to make big changes.

For myself, my relationships and our future.

I was exhausted and was watching Former President Obama speak in a town hall. When he came on the screen, I felt my whole body relax....like the safety of a familiar friend had arrived.

Then, I listened to Dr. Bernice A. King speak and say:

" don't be afraid to make mistakes"

I am feeling the responsibility of the world,

a frantic need to understand everything from everything all at once...

these words made me feel a little better.

In my readings I have discovered so many beautiful wonderful non-profits.

Amazing artists, beautiful poets and writers.

Activists and support systems.

It has been a supreme enlightening, like turning a page in a story and discovering so many new treasures just around the corner.

Even on my meager income, I am thrilled to become a donor to a number of groups.

We are attending a peaceful protest rally tomorrow.

I am looking forward to it.

Masks, glasses and social distancing in place.

We are starting with "parading" which is driving around the protesters with signs of support..
then if it appears safe for us to join the crowd*...we will.

*There are new cases and deaths from the virus every day in my town. Two weeks ago my city was one of the first in our state to open up patio dining, beaches and parks... and so floods of people from larger cities descended into our little beach town....ignoring many precautions.

I am working on so many things right now mentally.

I am trying to be an artist and create things,
but have found that the pressure for an artistic response about:
 the virus 

the Black Lives Movement

the isolation

the loneliness

has made creating impossible for me.
During meditation the other day I came to understand that...

I don't think I have processed it all or enough yet to create a response yet.

I am recalling Elizabeth Gilbert's Ted Talk about the "Elusive Creative Genius"
and taking heart in it.

So I am starting back at square one and beginning my walk again.

What is important to me

What brings me joy

what do I love to do?!

I am ready to twist myself into whatever shape I am suppose to be.

Changes

"Strange fascinations fascinate me Ah, changes are takin'The pace I'm goin' through"

David Bowie-Changes

I am feeling a little bit like a caterpillar in her cocoon.

I am not sure what to expect, but things are changing.

My body is changing, I am only having small "oh no" moments when I think I have forgotten to take my pill...they are coming farther and farther apart these days.

I have been doing yoga, taking my vitamins, working and trying to come to terms with my body image. That last part seems to be rearing an ugly predictable head and I am trying to "whack a mole" it away.

Thinking too much about what I look like, what I am eating, looking closely at every hair and line and fold wondering if I can make them go away...or am I really just falling in love with it and fighting that. Like finding something wrong in a potential partner, but only looking for flaws to sabotage the relationship.

I want to be in love with my amazing strong body...

My mindset is shifting too...

We were at farmers market the other day and a toddler was having a fit because a sibling was able to push a  cart or something, and I was able to smile as we walked past it. The Barren watched the little person throw themselves onto the ground and smiled at the determination; and our ability to walk past it.

Normally I would stop and watch it unfold see how the parent dealt with it and take mental notes for myself in a similar situation. 

I don't need to.

I don't nee that knowledge.

I seemed at peace with that, and The Barren seemed calm too.

We are growing, maybe even aging out of the infertility mindset.

We were suppose to host our 15yr old niece this weekend, but she is super behind on her schoolwork and her parents were tired of enforcing her doing her work...but I wasn't and said that she could not come over until she caught up. She has been wishy washy about school work and her mother is as well, while my brother is strict about it for two weeks then folds out of exhaustion from trying to enforce something that my niece could clearly not give two shits about. So I just stepped in and said, she had another week, to catch up.

I felt like, she needs to understand that this is important, it is her first year of high school.

I guess I was being a parent, in an Auntie way.

I am pretty sure things won't change much in the next week...

but I wanted to put my two cents in, I guess.

School was super important to me, and I equated knowledge with freedom. 

I was teased/bullied for being smart in elementary school, so much so, the teachers had a meeting with the class when I wasn't there, which made it worse and so I pulled back and stopped trying. It took years to mentally recoup myself and by the end of high school, I was pushing forward and making great efforts-and college was another hill but I took every class the community college offered and found myself quite smart...

much to the surprise to many around me, who had kept the image of apathetic me in mind.

I love learning and school.

My brother didn't nor did his wife.

so there is that.

The Barren and I have plans for her next weekend, some live local music, bookstores and space to talk or simply draw.

 We look forward to learning more about her, if she allows us.

We are done being a parent and ready to simple be allies or influencers.

Stress

I am not dealing with what is being dealt my way these days.
My skin for it seems very thin, or nonexistent.

 * cat has possible entropin (inward turning eyelids and it requires surgery)

he is 15 years old, and drools from stress just going to the vet.

*I am trying to deal with the newly revived PTSD from MY last vet experiences:

1. the pet food poisoning that had melamine in the food we almost lost both cats
2.  emergency surgery from ingesting a metal nut
that got stuck in his intestine and needed to be removed.

3. Same cat, showed signs of the nut experience experience again back last summer
and I was a train wreck- it was am irritated stomach.

Now, his eye has swollen and it appears that he has entropion 

*My breast ultrasound, which my insurance would not cover so I paid $150 to have the required test done showed a small cyst (the doctor said it appears to be benign)

* I am still spotting on and off since the miscarriage in August, I have been told this is normal, even though, it is still unsettling.

* my current work schedule has me upside down and not really allowing for regular studio time, so most of the free time is spent catching up on home chores (which sucks)

* I have several shows I am trying to prepare for on this limited time and now the cat, has me like a full on, should be committed basket case...I feel like I am coming apart at the seams.

Since writing this the cat has had his surgery-
waiting for the vet to call and say he survived was so stressful that my face went numb!
I didn't eat for two days

He is home now and on day two of recovery, and it appears that he is truly on the mend.
I did not sleep the first night he came home, but got some last night and he is increasing his mobility and has no signs of problems....
but the recheck is tomorrow and then another on Monday.
Until then my job is to guard his corneas and be a full time nurse and body guard.
The Barren can not take time off and I really can't either but,
 I was designated as the caregiver and so I am doing that.
I have not gone to yoga, or even left hte house as he can not be unattended. The week prior was so stressful as I was grappling with feelings and doubts and fears while giving a small puma a constant feed of eye-drops, I missed a lot of yoga then too, and instead slept my sorrow.

I am beyond thankful that this cat is as tenacious as he is and dead set to be my guy for some more time...and now that he can see, the sky is really the limit.
At the drop off, I mentioned to The Barren that all his hospital experiences have been successful and good. It was me that has been so traumatized and so at that epiphany I chose to not doom my cat....imagine the worst case scenarios or envision something wrong.
It was a REALLY long wait for an update call, but it came and we took him home soon afterwards!
He has been waking from his naps head butting me and purring and eating.
I am overwhelmed with the grace this cat possesses.

Mouth guard

shirt credit

With the combination of the election and the fire and mudslide

I was fitted with a mouth guard that I wear at night

because I am grinding my teeth at night.

So badly, I chipped a tooth.

I have been wearing it every night, but have made a point 

as of late, to wear it even more 

religiously.

I am furious, I can feel it in every bone and oozing from every pore.

I have never been so ashamed to be an american.

The amount of sexism, racism, xenophobia, and blatant hate is inexcusable!

The government in place is a total embarrassment.

The old white men have had too much power and all this bullshit

has carried over into what might be a liar elected into the SCOTUS.

I watched Dr. Ford give her testimony, and I watched Brett cry and scream his.

I watched too much....

I have since turned off the news 100%

I vote and thankfully am in a state where my representatives feel the same way I do about 

Brett and women'r rights, health and immigration and take the time to answer the phones when I call in and thank them for supporting or voting against things that are brought up. 

I have had emails answered and these women do not run away from their constituents

they listen and respond.

Like responsible representatives.

That being said

after watching Dr.Ford, I experienced for the first time a true whole body trigger.

I remembered my assaults with great details.

I told The Barren for the first time, in our 26 years together, 

about the first one when I was about 8 years old.

Only my parents and my therapist(who was treating my grief from infertility) know about it, 

and they never mention it.

My father told me( at 8 years old) after hearing and seeing who did it that 

" I had an active imagination, and that this never happened"

So I buried it deep

Angry and confused as to why he chose to not believe me

I also told The Barren about another one that happened 

when I was a teenager, that no one knew about...

except me and the people involved.

He was deeply shook, and super supportive about being brave enough to tell him.

He knows about my sexual harassment incidents

 from workplaces that have happened since...

Dr.Ford made me remember

She made me strong enough to share my story 

she reminded me that these situations are not me, I am stronger and bigger than them.

They are nothing to be ashamed of

and nothing I did and nothing I need to carry responsibility for 

I think I will keep wearing my pride 

and wearing my mouth guard until this world is turned right side up again.

the future is female

Riding the waves

Handmade doll for 3yr olds birthday

So remember that baby shower I wasn't invited to and then the second baby shower I found out about on social media that I also was not invited to, because I wasn't going to show up anyways....

well, I got a half-assed invite to that same persons sons third birthday.

" hey lady, we are having a party this Friday for kiddos 3rd bday, 530pm. Hot dogs and pinata...not sure screaming kids at the end of the week are your thing but we wanted to invite you and The Barren"

I accepted immediately

I think there was some spite in my acceptance, but....whatever

I found this book at the local thrift shop and made the doll the day of the party; in between work and yoga class....the silkscreen paint was pretty darn dry by the time I wrapped it up.

Apparently the 3year olds suggestions for the soon to be little mini me is 

" poo poo head"

So I made him a baby of his own that he can torture or play with while mom 

is busy with the real one.***

The party was all hipster parents and cake and screaming kids 

and I chatted with a few people while banshees and harpies ran around us 

high on sugar and sleep deprivation.

I was proud of myself for playing it cool...

The Barren was not able to go because he was traveling and so I did it solo!

*note the ripped paper of the dressing gown
nervous twitch maybe

I also survived the yearly check up with the doctor.
I get white coat so they line the exam table with the thicker non stick paper sheets.
I get a hot flash as soon as the doctor appears and proceed to create small waterfalls of sweat all throughout the exam. I don't think I have ever gotten a manual breast exam from her where she didn't get a handful of sweat and deodorant.
She said aside from still needing to loose 3-5 pounds (my lord this woman uses the BMI index like an end all be all information system )
I am doing well and should keep it up
exercise as much as I can and keep up the vegan diet and stay happy
(hahahah)

I don't have to see her for another year (ideally)
Now I just have mammogram and breast ultrasounds to finish
easy peasy

I'm dead set on just riding this last month away...
In my minds eye I am sitting in the shade
by a big body of water
tide lapping nearby
and letting it all go

letting all that shit go

*** Mom to be just texted and asked if I had any name ideas!!

I went to the first name site I could find and picked one randomly

Sigh

The Debriefing

Having a miscarriage at 48 is very different than one at 36

My body reacted differently

My mind was in a different place

My heart was in a different place and settled in a new and different way.

I was numb for a long time

almost like my whole being went into a fight or flight reaction

from information long ago learned.

I postponed my yearly physical by a week, 

The Barren will be traveling during the original time 

and I didn't want to be alone when I got back home from another doctor visit.

I am done with doctors

but I understand I still need to advocate for myself,
so I still get all the required check-ins 

so I am not as rebellious as I imagine myself to be.

In the week, when the bleeding finally stopped, I went back to yoga with a gusto

and I found myself saying to myself....

" be kind to yourself, you just had a miscarriage"

I was trying to be kind, to excuse when I felt weak

I waited for the bleeding to stop to tell my parents, 

I felt a heavy weight to share it with my mother in particular.

When I did tell her, I heard myself explaining in great detail that there might not have been an embryo in this miscarriage, reassuring her I was alright and that I was responsible and had many doctors tell me that I was in no danger.

She said she was sorry that I had to experience this again...

I told her I get to experience and process loss

that is what I get to do in this lifetime.

She shared with my father what happened and he when he heard my voice on the phone,
he said:

" I am so sorry, I don't know what else to say about it"

I told him that was perfect and thank you

then he told me I was a strong woman, 

this made me almost totally collapse into a puddle.

I haven't seen them since sharing the news, that is unusual.

I called and checked in a couple of time afterwards, to make sure all were alright

I think this has highlighted a couple things for me:

I am older

I can handle loss, repeatedly 

I am stronger now because of what I have experienced in the past

I can 

I am also able to let myself grieve 

I feel in many ways it might have been a sign from my body that I have crossed the last line of fertility. Even when I thought it was past, this was the final proof of that.

I had a dream before this all began, and I had seen myself dead in photographs

Like and out of body experience of seeing myself in a dream

when I looked up the meaning on several dream dictionary sites, they all said the same thing:

"In your dream you see yourself dead, at first you may think this is about you being dead. However it’s not, this dream is about you moving forward into being a new person.

You are growing and maturing as a human being and you’re ready to move to the next phase of your life and you’re ready to leave the old you behind.

This type dream is important because it shows that you are growing and developing your spiritual side and gives you the message that you’re headed in the right direction."

I am taking some comfort in this knowledge from the greater sources

Invitation

You are not invited, but only because I know you wouldn't come anyways...

I tried to keep it classy and a little sassy.

Thinking Disco Dancing Thoughts to keep bullshit like this at bay

Goals and Birthdays

vanilla cake, lime coconut frosting vegan birthday cupcakes

I am not sure why, but I seem to always be SUPER emotional and goal oriented around my birthday.

I had set a goal for myself last year and when I didn't met it I was disappointed 

but kept moving towards it.

 It is something I have wanted to be able to do for longer than I can remember...

It represents a symbol of strength to me...

It is pretty badass

It is something most people can do with almost no effort

What is it?

A pushup

yep...

I have never been able to do one

I want to be able to do one, and not a "girl" push-up

but a kick-ass real deal push-up

I have been working on it for a LONG time... 

and I am proud to report I did it in front of The Barren on the eve of my 

48th birthday, Tuesday night.

The Barren cried he was so happy for me (heart swelling)

I am also of the camp that if it is not documented it didn't really happen

and being a visual person, I needed to photograph it

so I did:

Elbows in against my ribs

down to a 90* bend 

ass up, knees off the floor

legitimate push-up folks!

Celebrity Reading

In Her Own Words: Lena Dunham on Her Decision to Have a Hysterectomy at 31

I read this yesterday and it was strangely familiar to me

down to the nitty gritty details- in a strange and comforting way

I was able to keep my uterus 

and still advocate for it every year

but there was a time I had this on the table and it was a valid and real choice 

Can you speak up please....

So I am about to do something WAY OUTSIDE my wheelhouse.

WAY OUTSIDE MY COMFORT ZONE

I have been asked to be a panel member to speak to artists in college.

It is part of the career services department and they asked me over a month ago.

I said yes thinking that I would freak out less as time passed and it would all be ok.

I sent an email last week confirming that it was still a go (half thinking it would be canceled)

but instead I go the response that yes it is still happening and in fact I was on a panel of four people addressing something like 60+ students!

okay...

who are the other artists on the panel I wondered as I read the email...

oh, you are the only artist.

the other 3 people are two gallery directors and a Whitney Biannual recipient.

When I read this, I began to cry and then proceeded to spiral into a full blown panic attack!

They couldn't find anyone else!!!

Thankfully, even though The Barren was on the other side of the country for work, after he stopped laughing after learning the news, he was able to walk me off the ledge and get me to laugh too.

I am speaking about my everyday as an artist sitting next to the very people who judge and jury my work. I offer a unique perspective to the scenario....

I am crazy scared that my words will be hard to find, and fumbled when spoken.

I want to sound cool and collected and honest.

I then freaked out about the mop that is growing out of the top of my head-vanity

...I will be attending this event after morning yoga, then a full day of work!

I am getting a haircut tomorrow in hopes to shock it into submission for at least 48 hours.

The Barren will not be able to be there, and I have not told anyone that I am doing this.

Mostly because I am not sure knowingly having someone there, might not calm me down.

My freak flag is about to fly....

I am nervous but in my heart of hearts I know I can put on a mask of calm 

and ideally speak clearly and in a helpful manner. 

It is real

I am an artist

I can not not support myself on my art alone, but not from lack of trying

but that doesn't stop me from making art...

as it is the only way I know how to connect and understand the world around me.

Okay, haircut, clean clothes

tic tacs, deep breathing and don't trip!

Mantra: speak slowly, honestly and gracefully

and laugh, because really this is a first world problem and although it is scary it will not kill you!

Pride in the journey

So The Barren is growing in his grief...he is learning to identify his triggers.

That is HUGE

He was at work learning some new stuff for his current role and a new parent was talking about how thankful they were to have some time off work and it was supported by the employer.

I got a text message saying:

" HR was talking about paid family leave and out of nowhere I find myself about to break down...doing OK now, but it was touch and go for a moment"

After work he met with him mom and they were chatting and she started to ask about all our friends with kids and how we must hang out with them and play with their kids...

He spoke up and said, you know we often need to protect ourselves from our triggers and make sure we are alright with going to an event or party. We often skip them so that we can relax and enjoy our afternoon too. He told her about the event earlier in the day.

She was flustered, and out of no where asked if we were thinking about adoption.

to which The Barren said NO

He thinks she was not sure how to deal with suddenly witnessing his grief 

...I think she just needed to get a question off her chest.

Regardless, I am beyond proud of him and his new ability to speak up about things that trigger his sorrow and memories. He is making progress and that is to be applauded.

Cycles

The proceeds from this t-shirt help provide menstrual hygiene kits to people experiencing homelessness

I only get my period four times a year now.

It is part of the agreed plan to control my endometriosis, fibroids and cysts. 

It has been working well, and retarding growth on the current fibroids and any creation of new ones.

It has also allowed me to keep my uterus instead of having the suggested hysterectomy.

At first I thought it was like being neutered; taking away something so sacred as a monthly cycle.  The monthly pain left me unable to stand upright, or eat or sleep, so the idea became a welcome retreat from pain and in many ways a space to grieve my lost fertility.

I had to walk away from my efforts twice in 8 years of trying to make a family. 

When I first went off the monthly pill to dive into the pool of trying, I was almost immediately faced with a wall of pain and only after half a year was I able to advocate for further testing which first revealed my fibroids and the sudden growth had me at an oncologist. 

Back on the pill to shrink them and try to give me a window to try to get pregnant again.

The second dive into the pool had me in the ER and multiple trips to the doctor to find answers to the miscarriages. Suddenly 8 years passed and it was too much loss and too much pain to live.

I went back onto the pill after my removal of a large chocolate cyst, and an ovarian cancer scare;

that confirmed my stage 4 endo that had head-locked my ovary behind my uterus, a septum in my uterus and calcified fibroids.

The road was shut.

I grieved and celebrated this information at the same time.

I did nothing wrong in my efforts to get pregnant, but my body that I had lovingly cared, for had decided that no child shall survive in me.

Now 5 years later, I am facing a new kind of knowledge.

My periods which only come quarterly,  will eventually stop coming all together.

I am prepared to grieve that as well.

a bitter sweet party

I have my period now, I have always been a full moon bleeder.

I guess I am a druid that way, an earthy girl, a wolf woman.

I can now not have to decide if the pain is bad enough to need to go to the ER, 

instead I can sit on the couch or sleep away the mood and aches.

Still honoring the need to take care of this body.

My period arrived later than normal this cycle, and for the first time in a LONG time, 

my mind did not go to the "maybe I'm pregnant" thought...

in fact it never even entered my mind.

Instead I thought, soon there will be no more.

Circling the sun

I awoke feeling happy

I got dressed and went to yoga

I had a lovely class and felt like a million bucks

I went to my parents place to enjoy our newest ritual

birthday cake for breakfast.

As long as they are around, I figured we should have cake together 

first thing in the morning 

and I can thank them in person for making me. 

Literally.

This year my 3 year old niece was there, so she got cake for breakfast too.

Honestly, she just wanted the icing, so I gave her mine.

I had made the cake the night before, and tried something I'd never made.

A Hummingbird Cake

My parents and I sat and chatted and we visited for a long while.

then I packed up, took a photo of the driveway; where my mother had made chalk circles

of number 1-47 and had them lead to the front door.

(another ritual they do every year for birthdays, some sort of chalk drawing. They even did it when I was employed near their home and all my coworkers had to drive past their work, and then proceeded to come and wish me a happy birthday)

I love her shadow!

I traveled home, picking up actual food along the way and ate a quiet brunch at home.

Then a little nap

a little more food and then The Barren came home and we sat and visited until bedtime.

A quiet birthday.

We had gone into the big city the weekend prior and I took in some art gazing.

I think we are planning to do a similar adventure this weekend too,

Sightseeing, art adventures, with snacks

I have been focusing on enjoying little visits with dear people in my life.

I have gotten great pleasure from that.

Like I can feel my body respond from the positive visits.

I am aiming to do that as often as I can.

that is my birthday wish for myself.

New Years Eve

I have been focusing on this concept.

In many facets of my life.

I think it is natural to want to assess the year as it winds out, 

I do it on my birthday too...the marker of time and accomplishments.

New years is always somewhat sad for me...I get really melancholy for some reason.

In reflecting on eve's gone by, I realize that I was always sort of sad...

maybe it is really the quiet that is reflection...and not sadness at all.

I have found that in these last few weeks I have been consciously letting go.

In petty arguments

in petty goals (no this has to go here....)

 in what I think I am right about, or wrong about 

There is a sweetness to letting go.

I feel less heavy in those moments, when I realize I am making a choice to be better

or more aware or less concerned.

When shit hit the fan many years ago, I sought help after feeling like I was falling into an abyss...

My therapist once played back my recording when I was looking for someone to help me

" Hi I just found out I can't have kids and I need help dealing with this. 

I feel lost and dark. Are you accepting new patients?"

Damn...that was raw and brave! Even in the face of the fire breathing Barreness, I stood there with my shield held high enough to not get charbroiled, and instead call for help.

In those dark days, I tried to find help in words...
and picked up When things fall apart. 
I liked the idea of a female monk helping me.
Many of her words did and although I didn't finish the book,
I took what I needed from it and walked further away from the Dragon.

"When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality. (9)” 
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

Letting go seems to have become a subtle theme for me this year.
I have had to learn how to let go of people
Many of whom have transcended this world this year...most unannounced
I have started to REALLY let go of my subtitles, and simply be me.
I am trying, all the time
At times it is exhausting, trying to be so self aware and present that I loose the starting point...
It is easy to get lost in this big wide world...but holding on tighter to EVERYTHING is not the answer. At least, it is not the answer for me.

I met with a friend that was moving away recently, she was super high on where she was moving.
That she was ending her broken marriage, and making her own path.
Manifest destiny
The whole dinner, she talked and talked and talked about this new city she was moving to
she had memorized all the neighborhoods and what events happened when and how she was going to try it all, even things she never did before.
I sat through this whole dinner listening, openly listening...not the kind of listen that you appear to be listening, but really you are planning your response or next sentence.
When she came up for a breath, it was time to go.
I hugged her goodbye, wished her well and walked to my car confused.
I was feeling something but wasn't sure what it was.
It took most the rest of the night and then I realized what it was.
We had grown in two separate ways, and we were not able to really relate anymore.
I came to a moment of peace, I figured it out and was proud of myself for it.

A similar thing happened over the holidays,
I met a friend that I was super close to from high school in through college
He met me before I had plans to meet some ladies for tea.
He piggybacked on the date so to speak...he lives on the other side of the country
we use to talk alllllll the time, then he got married and it happened less and less often.
Now it is down to a text message at our respective birthdays.
This holiday,he texted that he was in town and I should come over to his brothers place to hang out while his family got ready to leave and go to a nearby town to meet with other family.
Initially I was upset at how caviler he acted about the text.
The Barren holds anger towards him for dropping me like a potato.
Instead, I explained that I was meeting some friends nearby, so why not meet me there early and we can chat ahead of the tea....
He first said no and then said sure.
When he did show up, he got two sentences in before his wife showed up and sat down next to him and listened to the conversation. (she said hello to me but that was about it, it is pretty commonplace for her. She use to interrupt the talks saying it was time to go) then his brother and wife and kids showed up...our little talk was witnessed by my girlfriends who scurried off into the cafe while we had our "nothing conversation" and talk about the weather.
About ten minutes in he said, well you better get some tea...and with that we hugged goodbye and that was that.
When I joined my girlfriends they said " WHAT WAS THAT?!" claiming that I had a smile on my face the whole time but clearly he was uncomfortable. I explained that he use to be my best friend from age 15 and once he got married, his wife was dead set on making sure he stopped our friendship...so it has grown apart. He is now really just a guy I went to high school with that I know a lot about. They asked why I was smiling so much, I told them....I was glad to see him.
I sent a text to him later that day saying it was nice to see him
it is yet to be replied to.
Growth
No hard feelings, just understanding.

I am thinking about what I want for myself for this next year.
I am thinking that wanting things/goals for myself is not a kind of selfish that has a negative connotation, but instead is a way to allow see myself grow!
I am looking to improve my self talk
and my belief in self worth


Wishes for a many leveled, many bright
many wonderful wishes new year to you all