I am wondering which way is up?

my garden is producing so many cucumbers

I have earmarked this week as a week that I stay put and try and make something! I miss making my work; thinking and trying to make the colors work or the concept appear as I feel it. it has been bumpy so far, focused time yesterday maxed-out at about 20 minutes, before calls, and emails and my brain just collapsed.

As of late, my life has been my parents...all engrossing, notes on the phone and scraps of paper. I drive into town at least once a week to deliver a couple prepared meals and make sure appointments are known and addresses are marked down. Remind them of what is required of them and how they should react to particular situations. I attend all the doctors appointments now, with exceptions for mental health care appointments and now my fathers in-home physical therapy.

I am the decoder ring. My parents don't absorb information and so I attend and answer questions that bubble up after we leave. Sometimes it was who did we just see and why?

My father finally was finally diagnosed with NPH , which in short, is extra fluid on the brain that doesn't resolve and leaves his brain compressed from the internal pressure. We saw a brain surgeon and she mentioned that he indeed has it and it appears it has been in place since his fall in 2024. She said that a valve could be placed in his brain to drain the excess fluid. She described the process and when she was done, my father said " you aren't gonna drill a hole into my skull!"  She said that he didn't have to have the surgery, but call her if he changes his mind. This is not a fatal disease, just a functional one. I suspect it was there before his fall but ignored or downplayed by his neurologist. It doesn't matter now how long he has had it, we are all going to have to live with it because he refuses to have surgery for it. Frankly, I am not sure he would be the best candidate for the brain surgery anyways...he would be required to do a lot of PT afterwards to recover from it and I don't think he would commit to it. So he will continue to be confuses, unsteady and experience funtional issues.

I made a promise to myself recently (in the last three weeks) that I would like to try and have a relationship with my parents and not spend my time fighting, bargaining and being run over. 

A friend of a friend mentioned this option with their children being picky eaters...they said, I could spend my time with then yelling and making them miserable or I could let it go and have a relationship with them. Most things work themselves out...I took this idea to heart when I was having a panic attack thinking of all the things I was trying to get them to do for their own good and falling flat and being run over, and snapped at. 

So now my voices' cadence is cheery, I don't debate, I don't engage with the bait to fight about something. I simply say "okay" and put down the conflict that is building.

My mother( the better of the two)  has become resistant and more forgetful, but it is hard to know if it is from her lack of sleep or lack of attention to what is being said to her. She seems to retain less and less and is procrastinating more and more. She cries on almost every phone call we have and says she needs help and then when it is offered, she snaps and says that we have overstepped and she doesn't want it. This usually means that she will reflect about it and a week or more later say she needs that help again and we will try again....except I think this time my mom might have burnt a bridge with my brother. Only time will tell....

So while all this swirls in my brain, I am trying to put it down and think about my studio practice. The Barren took the week off work and said he wanted to support me in my focused time: he said he would make me lunch and do laundry etc...so I would be less distracted with responsibilities; but has so far, he has not been home for most of the day. He leaves to play music with his friend late morning and comes back around 8pm, as this was his usual "music camp" week* (a week he takes off annually to attend music workshops etc...with his bandmate) I am glad he is relaxing and taking time to feed his creative vein. 

All this time alone is like still air, I am left to also make food and clean up and reflect on how far away I am from creating something. 

My heart is broken...I feel so afloat. I am used up in so many ways...

I try and find things that would lead me back to the path of thinking about my work: doing yoga early in the morning to kick start my brain, watering my garden to clear my head. Clearing clutter in the workspace....making food and writing down what might pop into my head...but I am having a really hard time not feeling so very dark. I am exhausted and often feel like I am dragging my body around from place to place. I want to sleep for days, but I can't justify it in my mind, I would waste all those hours of potential creative making. I am at a loss....and when things get that quiet, my parents creep back into my thoughts. Long lists of things I should do, need to do, need to call....it is everywhere.

I had a nightmare the other night that I was standing in traffic at a very busy intersection, and when I saw a muscle car speeding towards me I couldn't move. I froze in place. I felt the car wiz past me, I felt the air vibrated past me and I got knocked by the side mirror...but it also felt like it had hit me and I traveled through the car, feet cemented into place. I stood there and wondered if I was still alive. That is when I decided it was time to wake up and get the day to begin. 

There and back again

 "Sorry for the delay, I have been overwhelmed with caregiving tasks"

This is what I wrote in response to a text from my mother in law. I feel this way a lot now. I am overtaxed, overwhelmed, over run with emotions and haggard.

April marked my 56th birthday.
I spent the month peppering treats for myself in between doctors’ appointments, work responsibilities, managing my immune system and everyday tasks.  I knew The Barren was overworked and wouldn't have the brain capacity to plan anything. I got my bi-annual haircut, a new to me dress, a new vibrator, a new to me vintage point and shoot camera and some plants for my garden. I got The Barren a fancy new showerhead (I give gifts for my birthday) made my brother a couple quiches and treated a friend to an ice cream.
When the actual date rolled around, The Barren and I celebrated my birthday together, which I loved. He had no ideas, because all he can think about is work and so I sat for a moment and thought of trees...and told him I wanted to go forest bathing. It is a bit complex orchestrating it out, as one of the cats had just been put on daily meds, my diet makes traveling a whole thing and our cat sitter was at Stagecoach, and our backup sitter was moving that same weekend for fumigation...BUT we were able to spend two nights away!!
I had spent the week before making birthday cakes, cupcakes and sweets...every cake I made had a shelf life of four hours before becoming dry or dense or chewy?! I make my birthday cake every year since my diet had so many restrictions added...this year was no different. In staying with tradition, we took cupcakes to my parents the night before so I could be with the people who made me. This year was... it was surreal. We arrived, my parents handed me bills (my brother and I handle their payments now) and asked questions about medical appointments and then they walked to the table, sang happy birthday, took a photo and we ate the cupcakes in silence. Packed up the tray and we were back in our car an hour later. It felt very different...disconnected and not really celebratory.
I made note of that in my mind, and it broke my heart a bit more.
The next day was my actual birthday, my other ritual is to take a sunrise yoga class to start the day. I did and much to my surprise, my yoga teacher had placed a sweet gift at the top of my mat while I was sitting with eyes closed before class. When I opened my eyes and discovered it I spent the rest of the class hiding my tears. I was SO overwhelmed by the gesture I just let the tears fall. I was in a dark class so it was easy to hide. I kept thinking of a meditation that was what does kindness look like to you?
I drove home and we spent the day driving to the city outside the National Park. I took photos along the way. Part of this first adventure was that we had recently traded in our older BMW for a used electric car, so this was the maiden road-trip voyage and it required a new learning curve. It is not a tesla so chargers are different and less obvious.
As we drove further away, I was getting texts and calls with birthday wishes and songs. It delighted me. We found a place to get some food that I could make work and we ate in the hotel room in our PJs watching television. When 8:30 pm came around, I called to check in on the parents...they had gone to bed...and when I said we had arrived at the hotel and that I had gotten the loveliest calls all day...it was then that my mother said. What is the date, did we forget to call you?
My parents had forgotten to call me.
The following day was a new page and we drove to the trees...MUCH to our surprise it had SNOWED overnight making the park right out of a fairytale! 
I live on the west coast, so this is beyond magic and I was laughing and crying and making strange primal noises when I couldn't form words.
I was in such a deep state of glee I was crying the whole time, everything was SO beautiful and quiet and calm and perfect. I kept turning to The Barren and saying “this is the BEST birthday ever!"
We walked a little in the snow, and saw deer and squirrels and I took lots of photographs. I smelled tree bark, and listened to the crunch/squeaking sound of snow beneath my tennis shoes, got hit in the head with a snowball that fell from a tree and filled my eyes and heart with the forest and gratitude.
As we drove to the next charging station we made promises to each other to return again soon and as often as we could. It was the balm that soothed both our hearts and brains. It was like we had traveled through a portal to another world, because as soon as we left the park, reality returned and our hearts were heavy again. Responsibilities were waiting on voicemails and we drove home quietly trying to ignore them for as long as possible.

Who is that?

Recently when I look into the mirror I do not often recognize the person reflecting back at me.

Not in an actual I don’t know who I am kinda way, but an unfamiliar way. I feel disconnected from myself in many ways, and like I am no longer who I thought I was kinda way.

When you imagine yourself, you get a mental image of yourself...and when I catch a glimpse of myself in a reflective surface I am often surprised who is looking back. 

The Barren and I attended a cousins wedding on New Year’s Eve, it was lovely and romantic and the first time in a LOOOOOOONG time that we have had plans on new year’s. The newlyweds are soo deeply in love and it was a beautiful thing to witness. At one point I said to myself, this is happiness, this is joy that you are feeling...it felt so different I had to assess it in myself.

My parents and brother didn't go; my parents because they said it was too much fuss, and my brother because it was a kid free event and he didn't want to leave his home alone on new year’s eve. So the Barren and I dressed up and went and every person I saw asked about my parents and why they were not there. It was hard. I was trying to treat the night as my vacation, my get away for 24hrs. I told that to The Barren and he then understood that I haven’t had the chance to getaway...from anything! So as he watched person after person ask about my parents he saw me. We took photos of ourselves dressed up and smiling, the rain that night made for a chilly covered outdoor wedding and the music was insanely loud, so loud I had a sore throat from screaming all night to talk to anyone. As we left, before midnight, we relished in the quiet of the car and the sound of rain on the windscreen.

It is a strange time we are living in, and being here in the states makes it even more surreal by each hour. I am heartbroken and exhausted and constantly worried about something or another. I am trying to practice radical acts of joy and find things in the day that I can celebrate. I feel lonely and sad a lot more of the time, and despite my activities, I am often solo as the weeks pass. Sometimes I like the time of solitude and quiet, often times it weighs heavy on me and I feel invisible until I am pulled from beneath my cloak...

Example: I was followed in the market yesterday by a man that wanted to tell me how he liked my hair, and admired that I was "letting it go"...he had followed me through to store to tell me this and I am sure if I had said anything other than "um, thanks" he would have continued to engage in some other unpredictable way. I was left looking for ways to be in a more people dense area, making sure I wasn't alone, feeling angry that this creepy guy "approved" of the way I was presenting myself. I texted The Barren and told him I felt super icky from the encounter... and I was really angry. This was only a few days after a man murdered a woman in her own car, and the nation saw. Men are unpredictable and scary.

I am on edge, we all are.

For me, this week had beat me up pretty impressively.

I am involved with my parents and their medical appointments. Once again, I waited to be invited and asked to assist, permission is an important part of trust.

Last week was a lumbar puncture and then this week a meeting about the results with a new neurologist for my father. He had become more confused as of late and the MRI showed fluid on his brain, so that was drawn and the new doctor met with us on Tuesday. He was late, and apologized about that...my father was clearly freaked out because he didn't act out about the wait (they were late for his lumbar puncture too and he was repeatedly slamming his walking stick on the ground in a Gandalf "you shall not pass" kinda way. I had to talk to him like a toddler in the common waiting area explaining how it was disrespectful and how there were others ahead of him), but was quiet on the exam table. My mother was quiet too but angry (about her whole world being turned inside out) next to me...fear presents itself differently in us all. 

The doctor took his time and explained the reason for the lumbar draw, the results of the MRI and what he saw on the spinal fluid draw...and then ordered a blood test (a new one, for Alzheimer’s markers) we talked about gait changes in my father’s walking and concerns about his developing confusion and the talk was a mix of science terms and clear phrases which I followed along with but my parents were clearly overwhelmed by, so I am glad I was there to be the "decoder ring" for them. Afterwards my mother kept saying "you were really good" in that I understood and asked questions as they arose with the doctor. Neither ot them do that.

I was masking well, really well...because what they didn’t know was that I was battling some serious abdominal pain from what I thought was a flare..I had taken liquid antacids down the street from their home...and I was horribly uncomfortable. I had awoken with the pains and soldiered on to make work that morning in town before picking them up and shuttling them to and from the appointment. After the appointment I left their home and was ready to release the emotions of the day when I passed my sister in law on her walk around the neighborhood, I buttoned it up and spent the next hour chatting with her before heading back towards home an hour away.

I didn't get to cry, I was too tired.

I was greeted by The Barren, who had a bad day and I told him, I was just gonna have a thin miso soup for dinner and proceeded to make my dinner. After sipping the soup, I collapsed on his lap on the couch and fell asleep.

I am exhausted and emotionally drained, I feel like I am walking around in a cloud. Not really here or there. There has been so much grief in my body for the last two years.

Yesterday afternoon, I told The Barren that as much as I would like to ignore that I have an autoimmune disease, I am getting punched in the face by it over and over demanding attention. I think I am grieving, not just the state of the world, but my body, my family, and my dreams for myself and my life. It is so frustrating to have ideas and desires to do things, but have less than enough energy to do them. To see them so close, but be unable to maintain the stamina to see them through. I am trying to be graceful with myself, but it is becoming harder and harder and I wonder "who is this?"

My own doctors meetings start tomorrow to talk about my latest results. 

Ideally I can have a good cry soon, like a palate cleanser

A friend mentioned this writing prompt and I found it timely

*Keep your chin up buttercup*

Baseline

**Brain dump-trauma** 

 I didn't go to the Bog Witch meeting, I chickened out...or found myself distracted enough to let it slide by. I was embarrassed at myself...and then spent time rationalizing why I didn’t make the effort to go. In the end, I simply made myself dinner, sat and watched something on tv and pondered what happened to my get up and go. 

The Barren is currently overseas for his big business trip. He has been adjusting well, and getting things done and exploring and being pampered by the hotel and his company and coworkers. It is really beautiful to witness and although it was so horrible to watch him leave...I am happy that his experience so far has been a good one. I watch his air-tag move around the country and city and it makes me feel more assured in many ways. I can't say it has totally eliminated my catastrophized scenarios, but it has absolutely muted them enough that I can do other things.

We got a lot of things done and sorted before he flew off, like our will and deep conversations that were overdue. It was so beautifully intimate and healing for us both. We celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary and went out to a dinner. He was so overwhelmed, that I did all the planning and was the only one to share a card and little token.

Meanwhile I also finished my end of the year art deadline, finished a commission, got accepted into a show in NY city, won an international award, stripped my community garden space, shot portraits of a collector couple of mine and finished my 1000th yoga class.

To say I have pushed myself into high gear is an understatement and I don't always run on high, but I have been having more manic style energy bursts since starting this medication.

The second week The Barren was gone we got rain, like A LOT of rain and when I went to use his car for errands, I noticed the rug was shiny...then on further inspection I found the rug was TOTally SOAKEd and the back passenger foot-well had two inches of standing water in it. No open windows, no open doors...the inside was dry...but the floor was under water! so I spent multiple days getting as much water out as possible between additional rain storms. Yesterday after multiple hours with a shop vacuum, I "tapped out" and drove it to the mechanics for professional help. I had done everything I could and still it wasn’t enough. I contacted the insurance company and filed a claim, and now it is with the professionals.

********

The Barren is home, safe and didn't get sick! MASSIVE WIN for us both.

A funny snafu was that I had kept all the information about his car to myself, as there was nothing he could do from India and so I figured I'd explain when I went to pick him up. The night before he was set to travel home, the mechanics texted him an invoice! He called and said why are they texting me an invoice, is this spam? I explained what happened and we both had a massive laugh about it. He has been considering another car and this might have been Mother Nature’s push to change things up.

Since his return we've hunkered down and have been taking things at a slower pace. He leaves again Sunday for another trip but this time only East and for only a week.

Last weekend we got some results back on my father, and it will require some more appointments, procedures and patience. Upon this information being shared by my parents to other family members, I got a phone call the day after. Actually a conference call with a slight interrogation feeling to it, asking me what I am doing and how this is being addressed and why I wasn't pushing my parents into making choices, and do I trust the doctors etc...

I finished the call, and stood up to find my whole back had a spasm and my left hip was trashed. I have spent the week stretching and heating and taking Tylenol. Thursday was the BIG GALLERY exhibition and I want to be able to stand and share the excitement of the night and my accomplishments.

I ended up at the massage therapist on Wednesday asking her to cast spells, and do any other magic should could do to help me be more comfortable. It is most likely a sciatica episode and as I have NEVER had this happen before I was learning as I moved through it.

She gave me a massage, and did some cupping, reiki, hot stones and preformed some serious magic to my back and hip. Leaving me so so thankful!

I arrived at the big event last night rested, ready and in little, to no discomfort.

I was able to get a couple photos just after entering the event, and then my in-laws arrived. I love that they come to this event. It is always a funny surreal moment, as my mother in law has hearing loss and doesn't read the room, so I have been interrupted in a conversation more than once by her interjecting herself, because she can't hear I am already talking. My new father in law is often decked out in a Santa cap and seasonal shirt and wandering about with a smile taking in the busy gallery scene. Last night was the same, so when The Barren suggested they head out front to get some air, I followed and they rested against the front window, chatting and then....

My father in law suddenly collapsed, I threw my arms out and caught him before he hit the cement. He seemed to have fainted...he recovered and stood up again, and while I was chatting with him...he collapsed again...this time for longer and I caught his crumple again, making sure his head was safe and straightening his legs from below himself. The Barren called 911 and the response was swift. I kneeled on the sidewalk next to him talking to him quietly and convincing him to let a professional make sure he was okay. 

My mother in law just kept saying this has never happened and he was tired. As wealked her to the car, I reasched out and placed a hand on her shoulder, to which she responded "I'm fine", I looked her way and said, sometimes it is just nice to be reminded that you have people around you that care. She didn't really find comfort in my softness, so I let the words float away. We took her to the ER to wait for word. He was being treated for dehydration and low blood pressure and after hearing this my MIL told us to take her home. He had other labs being done, so she would wait for results and his call to pick him up from home where she had a car. She shooed us out and we sat in our car for a moment wondering WTF just happened!?

We went to a restaurant in town to stare at each other, ask each other over and over " you okay"; my hip/thigh pulsing in pain and try to process the evening that just unfolded under a beautiful full moon in front of the gallery on the biggest night of the year.

As our food arrived, MIL texted that he was released and home. As of this morning, although he didn’t sleep well, he was fine and she'd check his blood pressure before they take the bus to retrieve their bikes from last night. 

So that was last night.

Totally normal, totally surreal, absolutely baseline for this year.

in reflection, I am thankful that my body carried me through the night, never once faltering at what I asked from it. Showing me how strong it is and how capable I am.

My cousin was there, helping me by getting me a glass of water, putting hands on my shoulder, while The Barren supported by his mom and answered questions. Her question was "how can I best support you right now?"

Kindness does matter

Bog Witches

Melancholy is my new normal.

I am moving slower, staying near home more, being okay with being alone more.

The Barren is in the middle of all his trips for the year; so I am doing my best to center myself with alone time. Art focusing, reading books, talking to the cats, yoga and growing food. 

I am actively trying to be present, but it is like living in a surreal state, where this new world is unfolding around me daily/hourly. It is hard to still wrap my head around how much has been lost, and how much is still being taken by this Sherbert Pervert and his minion of cowards.

****

I took the train to meet The Barren after his week long conference so we could drive home together and selfishly I could spend time with him from the very moment he was freed of his work commitments. The train took 6 hours, I got off, hugged and kissed my sweetie and then got into his car and we started the drive back home. I have done this a few times because I can't bear the idea that he would have to drive home, exhausted alone. So I am there as an optional driver and company. This year we stopped at a "plant butcher" so I could have a meal that I didnt have to cook. I tried legumes for the first time in a long while and although I was terrified about how my body might react, it did alright! I had the farts and a little bloat, but zero pain and I was happy about that.

A party this past weekend had questions about how I was feeling and it sat strange with me. Afterwards, I told The Barren that I don't want to talk about my health in social situations anymore. There is so much attached to it, like an oozing barnacle of attached emotions. In the end, it leaves me feeling badly about myself and I don't want to feel that way anymore. He heard me and saw what a spiral it sent me into. So hopefully that will be something of the past for now.

It felt empowering and scary to set that line in the ether.I am proud of myself for doing it.

***

                My car has driven to the moon and then some, I have diven it over 290,000 miles.
                                                            The moon is 238,900 miles.

While I was picking up my car from the mechanics after a routine oil change/inspection, I was joking with the woman who runs the office for her brother the mechanic (much like my work situation).  I told her that I had worked out really hard that morning and I was afraid to sit in the provided chair, as I might have a really hard time standing again. We joked about aging and new noises our bodies make and then she said, 'We having a meeting of bog witches the first of each month at a local divebar, we call it "bookclub" but it is mostly a group of older gals sitting and making community. Sometimes we make protest signs, sometimes we just bitch or learn about native plants. If you would like to join us, this is where we meet and you are welcome swing by and hang out with us"

I felt sooooooo coool! Like the coolest person in school invited me to sit with them at lunch, because I was unique and they liked it!

Needless to say, I will battle my introvert tendencies and do my best to join their next meeting.

It was so flipping cool.

Then I paid my $200 bill and left on my broom, that looks like a well loved and cared for car.

Shake the disease

 So it has been a shit couple of weeks. 

More than normal kind of shit.

I landed myself in the ER and had to stay overnight in the hospital.

 

I had some mild tenderness in my lower right side and my gut doctor told me that if that ever happened get myself to the ER right away. So after a couple of days of trying to figure out if it was a pulled muscle, a tender ovary or what, it got more tender and I went at 5am to the ER. 

I was taken back right away, and then it all became a flutter of activity and I did everything in my mind to remain calm. The Barren was with me and I am thankful for that. It was the first time doctors assumed I was in pain, and I kept having to tell them that I wasn't, that it was tender. One doctor even said " we as men would never be able to deal with the pain women deal with daily, and I just want to make sure you are not in any pain" I think that is when I stopped processing reality. 

After a change of nurses, IV placement, starting some antibiotic drugs and taking blood- 6 members of a  surgical team came in all at the same time as a second doctor. When I heard surgical team, The Barren said my heartrate rose quickly and my blood pressure sat higher. I think there were 7 people in the room all asking questions and telling me things and it was like a tsunami of information was closing in on me. The surgical team determined that I didn't need surgery, but wanted to keep me overnight to make sure I would respond to treatment. The doctor said the same...I felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

My autoimmune disease was in a flare and it is right next to my appendix, so they wanted to make sure they knew what was flaring. thankfully my little appendix is holding steady 💓

I got assigned a room, and moved out of the ER. As they were taking me there, they mentioned that it was the maternity floor so there is lots of extra security. The irony was another brick to a surreal day. I got my own room, with open bright windows. My nurse came in to ask me a bunch of questions, and then let me sit in quiet to process.

The Barren went home to get me a change of clothes and my HRT drugs and glasses.

I sat in my room alone for a while, quietly crying, sitting in the strangeness of the morning that had unfolded. A whirlwind of people, drugs, questions....

 What had just happened? What was happening? over the course of the next few hours I was visited by another four doctors and surgeons asking the same questions, pushing on my tummy and asking how much pain I was in. I only insulted one surgeon by asking questions he couldn't answer and then as he left he said, I'll see you in 5 years, and I said..." for what?!"

Then my gut doctor arrived and The Barren was there, and we got everything explained and I was empowered with information and soothed knowing I had come in at the right time, done the right thing and that my immune system was too smart for my infusion drugs it seems. Blood work would determine it...I still had options and ways to treat and ideally avoid additional issues. 

A new level of learning had taken place, I was confident in knowing what was happening, and could explain it to others. That made me feel better and seen and thankful.

I was moved again to the top floor of the hospital for my overnight room, and had a view of the coast and a couch and was still solo. The Barren was so flustered and freaked out, he kept a brave face though... The hospital didn't know how to feed me, so The Barren brought me a couple things from home in a cold chest. We had eaten most of the food from home as this was the weekend before we had to leave for the fumigation...The Barren focused his attention on packing what I had not gotten to yet. 

My overnight was strange, and I tried to reframe it in my mind as a messed up hotel stay, or think of it as a hostel stay from decades ago. Never knowing when a person would join you in the room or what those sounds were. I didn't sleep much, I was anxious and the bed mattress is covered in plastic, so I spent a good part of the night sweating and tossing, trying to not bend my IV arm and fighting restless leg. I knew the nurse was coming in at 11:30 to give my steroids and so I set a alarm to wake before that and avoid being startled awake, and then again before her 5am vitals check. The early morning wake up worked well for me, as I treated it like I was getting up for yoga, I drank water, I got out of bed and washed my body with a washcloth and changed my clothes. I had time to sit in front of the big window and watch the sunrise slowly....in fact because I was out of my bed at 5:30 when the group of women from surgery arrived they were confused who I was. I got up from the couch and said "it is me, I'm the patient " and I walked over to the bed and sat down for them to ask their questions and then confirm that they were going to release me from their watch/surgery standby list. I thanked them and told them as lovely as they are, I don't want to see them again. They appreciated my humor and were glad to recommend the release. They were followed by a line of doctors who were astonished by my nature and were happy to declare/recommend that I was too healthy to be in the hospital for another day longer. My gut doctor arrived around 10am to have a detailed conversation with me and it was actually quite validating to have a doctor explain why and what he was concerned about, how we can move forward with other medications if needed, but that the blood work will take about two or so weeks to get back as they were sent to a remote lab that does the special testing required to get answers. I told him that if I wasn't an artist, I was going to be a doctor. That I was obsessed with microscopes as a kid and still have mine, but I realized it was actually a tool to view light and that it makes sense now that I am a photographer. He shared how he has always been into illustration and we talked about his graphic novel that he drew in medical school to remember drugs, interactions and reactions. It felt like an honest real conversation and I thanked him for empowering me with true knowledge, not speaking in a derogatory or dismissive way to me about my disease and having patience for my questions and always looking for answers for me. It was something I really admired and trusted him for. He was touched...and felt that although most people stay in the hospital longer when transitioning to steroids he felt that I had a true sense of what I needed to be aware of, look out for and was comfortable releasing me a day early to my own best care.

I was in the car with The Barren at 1:30 that afternoon headed to get some food to bring home.

I ate and took a nap and the following day I resumed tasks for moving things for the fumigation. A friend came over to help move my patio plants down our stairs and across the way and ended up moving a few before hubby couldn't find a cat* and then the whole thing stopped and never really started again until I had finished moving the patio plants myself, and digging up my front yard myself to move those plants to a friends home via a truck. Over the next couple days and into the week following, I did more than I should have, but I measured myself, took moments of rest and focused on eating well and drinking more water than normal. It has been non stop and yesterday was the first day I made space for myself to simply focus on a monumental art project that is due in one month. I ended up being exhausted yesterday and although I spent it not doing anything real for the project, I let myself rest....

Today I gathered some supplies and started to plot out ideas. I am going to do my best...and focus on simply making things that make me happy. Re-centering the goal. 

I am learning something new everyday about how strong I am, how tenacious I can be, how soft I can also be and sometimes I just need someone to tell me I didn't do this to myself. The little girl in me is feeling like she needs some reassurance that she isn't bad or being punished for something she did that she doesn't remember. I had a lot of quiet time in that overnight, and this past week, where I reflected on all the past medical trauma I have survived and how it makes me when I am around doctors and in medical environments. Infertility made me an advocate for myself, and my love of science made me question and look at things deeply....now I have to combine them and learn how to live with these autoimmune diseases in a way that make sense to me.

*the cat was found, she was watching us run around looking for her and made no attempt to assure us. Typical cat move.

Shifting mindscape

 The new year has arrived and with it all the stress and terror about what these next few years will unfold and release. So many unknowns and fears and realities. 

It is like one thing after another, so surreal and so hard to really wrap my brain around...

I read somewhere during quarantine that the human brain wasn't designed/built to handle this many stressful events. I try and say that to myself when I am faced with a 4foot thick wall of stress and anxiousness and fear. 

"I am not going to be able to manage all this into a neat orderly situation that I can fix"

I have found my time out in public is feeling more feral. I don't reach out to talk to people unprompted anymore. I purposely don't make eye contact with people, especially men; and when engaged I stare strait into their eyes with a "don't fuck with me, I don't trust you" energy.

I am feeling so many feelings and not quite sure how to process them anymore.

I fear I am not preparing "right" for all these new unknowable's, and unimaginable scenarios. I have stocked up on a few women's healthcare supplies, just in case. Our little bit of savings are being managed by professionals, I have asked my doctor about my medicines and if the medical system changed...he assured me that the medicine I am taking or would change to is currently manufactured and readily available. (not totally convinced but I can't manage everything) I think my glasses are next on the list to upgrade before too late here. I am trying to secure me, as being a woman in the US now has some potential real changes. It is hard to imagine this...like beyond unreal.

And right on cue, Mother Nature shows us all that nothing is okay and has started some of the largest and most horrible fires that my state has seen in a while. Soooo sooo much loss.

My fire app is sending notices every hour it seems, new fires are everywhere.

I sit here and wonder, stare and dissociate.

*****

In an effort to flip my mind in a new way and not cement those neuropathways...

I made an impulsive decision last week to buy tickets to a small circus that was visiting our town. I drove by the tent for a couple weeks on my way to predawn yoga, the lights of the tent glowed in such a magical way. I had The Barren make a detour one night so I could try and take a couple pinhole photos. Then Friday last week while I sat in the car at 5:45 in the morning, I bought tickets to see the show. I splurged and got the VIP tickets so we could sit as close as possible. Thankfully DH knew I was trying to self soothe and went along with me with zero hesitation. As I stepped out of the car it was like I let go of all my sadness, and forced myself to just embrace my childhood glee. I cheered loudly at the preshow performances and just about burst into tears with joy as I walked past the ring leader standing on a box playing the song from Amelie on the accordion, at the entrance into the tent.

It was an old style Italian circus; there were dropped juggling pins, kids freaking out, a horse that stood its ground and a single clown who ended up sitting on my lap! Simply put, it was charming and well worth the time.

My face hurt from smiling and my muscles behind my ears clenched from so must laughing. The jokes were corny and predictable but I didn't care. I had taken off my airs when I left the car and thought, this is what a moment of joy feels like, embrace it.

It was magic and I was thankful I had that little voice tell me to do it.

My world has shifted for sure, it has radically changed me and the way I see the once amazing world that surrounded me. I am grateful that I wake up each day, and I continue to choose to fight the urge to go with the flow. I work everyday with maintaining my calm and processing unaccounted for things and situations. It is sometimes a real struggle.

I am thankful I have a home, a loving partner and a couple friends.

I am thankful that my body continues to show up for me and my family both chosen and blood related is relatively healthy.

I don't know how I could have raised a kind little person through these times...I fear I might not have been able to show up for them in the best way.

I guess I need to just start small again, and just keep showing up for myself

I hope that all of you can keep doing that too.

Still

 It took the Barren 16 days to clear the virus....16 days of sleeping on a couch for me, 16 days of fretting and worrying, but we got through it and he even had a consult with a doctor about removing his gall bladder and in the end decided to keep it for now.

Meanwhile my parents have refused any and all assistance my brother or I offer to them directly. I say this because I still book and confirm all my fathers appointments "behind the scenes", so he is prepared for each appointment. He has started seeing a psychologist,  and my mother has pinned floppy hopes that it will "help him". I have become far more jaded and based on what he has refused to do ANY homework/self-work for all his occupational, speech and physical therapies...I would be VERY surprised if he creates the opportunity for himself to grow...but I would love to be surprised.

My relationship with my parents has been altered in a significant way. In fact I described it to The Barren the other day like this: it is like I have lost both my parents, but they are still here and I am left watching it all disappear each day in a new way. Like an extended period of grief and mourning. It breaks my heart in new and different ways every time I call them. 

Yesterday I acted impulsively and decided to drive the 40 minutes to their place and offer a CPAP pillow I had sourced for my father thinking that it might make it more comfortable for him and then he would wear his CPAP longer than just a couple hours a night. I hadn't seen my parents in well over a month and when I arrived and knocked on the door; it swung open with great force and my father was standing there, without a cane or walker hunched over and glaring at me. Then said hello, looked at the pillow in my hand and said what brings you here? I said I had gotten this for you to try...I was..., before I could even finish my short sentence he responded...NO, DON'T NEED IT. (he said these words in a short, loud and stern way) I started to show him the features of the pillow and again he said "no, I will not use it. Thanks though" and that was that. Like we didn't say much else after that.

My mother, peeped around the corner, said it looked like a comfortable pillow and that she was sorry he turned it down. I was interrupting their dinner that my father was microwaving. I had not even entered the house yet... I was standing on the front porch still...

I left them to their dinner and got back into my car....I felt so much. I felt so...I was glad I had invested so much in my fathers recovery, but it was like a neon sign that I was far more invested in his recovery than anyone else. That is where I am trying to heal from right now.

When The Barren asked how the visit went I said "Abruptly" 

I am struggling to get past all the trauma of the past three months. It has left me numb and uninspired and fumbling to find myself again. I have developed a new side effect, I am not sure if it is from the new infusion medication or stress but I am now learning about Burning Mouth Syndrome. 

I feel like I am falling apart; all my seams have come undone and I do my best daily to wake up and focus on anything other than everything else. My therapist use to refer to it as the " chop wood carry water" of life. Picking yourself up and doing tasks in an effort to keep moving and giving yourself time to do everything else that needs to be done so you have space to work on yourself and your thoughts.

The Barren is at his annual music week away for the summer and is having an amazing time. I am so excited he has this time. He is with his bestie and they are learning all sorts of new techniques and music theory from the best of the best. I literally could not be happier or more proud of him for taking this time for himself.

I am home solo trying to pretend I am at an artist residency....and make something. 

I have put film into several cameras and have shot some images...I have made some green developers and I hope to see if the pinhole photos I took today created any images. I have been feeding myself clean food, I have participated in a community garage sale, but only for an hour and a half, as the people who started coming freaked me out...hahah I have been writing down ideas and contemplating new materials. I am catching up on admin work for my website, etsy shop and wrote a newsletter announcing what the latest was.

I guess the whole reason for this post is that I am still here. 

I still have not gotten the virus, I still mask in most public spaces, even with glares. I am still waking up with a smile each day, even when my whole world is tilted and new things seem to gather around the edges. I still have a sense of hope that one day I will be able to travel again and feel lighter in mind and mood.

I do hope that if you got to the end of this post that you are doing alright, holding on to the edge of your day...finding something sparkling in it....because that little bright thing is meant for your to notice and hold.

Keeping Score

The Barren has been isolating in our bedroom-bathroom combo since Sunday last week. We are wearing masks indoors and sleeping in them. I am on the opposite side of our 1000 sqft home with the cats and the kitchen and access to the patio. I have been washing my hands so much that the skin between my fingers has cracked open. I have raw spots on the tops of my ears from the straps of the KF94 masks, 

Wednesday The Barren started to feel less overwhelmed with Covid symptoms and was in a cheery mood. Then around 7 pm he said he didn't feel well. It slide quickly and extremely into him screaming in agony. He sat in that pain for four hours before I said, that is it we are going to the ER. 

We ended up going twice in less than 12 hours. The first was blood, urine and a CT scan. The second was blood and an Ultrasound and more effective non-narcotic drugs.*

If you are keeping score, that is COVID, and 2 ER visits, 1 hour of sleep in 36 hours and no food. When we returned home, the Barren went to sleep and I slowly fed myself and sat outside while the sun began to set and dissociated. So that was one WEEK! 

He remains COVID positive and I remain COVID negative.  He is quite blue today, which completely makes sense and I am trying hard to keep a stoic face and the mood floating. Suggesting silly conversation topics and encouraging a micro masked walk, which ended in him being winded, but glad for the time outside the house.

I can honestly say I see how it was for him all these years. Witnessing me in pain, from endo and my own gut issues. I feel the same helplessness, and the fear of being too far away in case I am needed at a moments notice. I think it unlocked a new level of our relationship. When I was suffering, I was only really able to view it from my vantage point, seeing how he stood by and supported me with gentle touch and his presence. I am not even able to touch him, I sat outside his room pacing as he was screaming in pain asking quietly, where it hurt and coaching him to breathe. It is was ridiculous. 

I rubbed his back in the ER, and sat beside him in the isolation room the second time. I watched how the doctors treated him and advocated where I could. It has been exhausting and I really have nothing left in me. I think my mallet head for my whack-a-mole fell off and rolled down the street. I am too tired to find it. I am feeling broken and sad. I try to think of this as an opportunity to remake the situation. Blossom like a phoenix or some other stupid cliché...but really all that matters is him and his health. 

On Wednesday night, just as his pain began I got a text that my dear friend went into surgery to remove her kidney as it had developed a concerning lesion. Thank the goddesses, she made it out without complications. Now she waits for those new organs.

As I sat in the sun this morning sending a text to my mediation teacher that I would be missing class and why, I thanked her for her guidance in teaching me ways to calm my mind in stressful situations, mantras for healing not only myself but anyone who needs healing. She replied a reminder to take it one breathe at a time and that we possess the weapons of patience and peace.

* his diagnosis is an inflamed gall bladder with small stones

Gigglemug

Talking about process in gallery
 

So the Exhibition opened and I attended the artist reception

(Typically, the reception that the artists attend, so people can ask questions directly of the artists)

The gallery was full, much more full than I was really mentally prepared for.

It felt like I had entered a speed dating event. I was immediately greeted with hellos and questions, and as the night wore on I had explained the process and meaning and motivation for making the work more that 25 times, but really I lost count. At one point I got a real kick out of my father commanding an audience, and doing his best to explain what I made to onlookers; he made stuff up and explained a totally different kind of art, but it made my heart flutter before I stepped in with the actual information.

It was also the first artist reception I attended without a mask, which made it quite easy to see that I had quite the gigglemug*

My work was well received, and before I left I was informed that it had sold.

The Curator was kind enough to share the news in front of my parents and in-laws, so I got a gold star from everyone that evening.

I am very thankful that my parents attended and that my MIL and FIL make a night of it too.

It is a real gift of time and validation.

*Gigglemug

“An habitually smiling face.”

Since the exhibition I have been floating in a sea of "I don't know what to dos"

I have found that tasks around, and in the home, seem to fill my mind; maybe it is my ADHD or my fear of failure or just a true and complete sense of not knowing what to do next. I have built quite an arsenal of tools and taken so many classes on new and different techniques, 

I am paralyzed with choices...

so many choices.

I have taken to my cameras, yet have not formed a project.

I have prepared to the make a couple baby gifts and have left the washed pile of onesies on my work table for weeks. I have gone to a ballet, art exhibitions, live music concerts, adventures to nearby cities, and made phone calls to friends. I have cooked and baked and gardened and cleaned and ironed and done everything all around artmaking thinking it would land me smack in the middle of a new idea...but so far no dice.

I have been taking yoga and meditation classes four to five times a week, I have delivered meals to my parents, and cookies to neighbors, had tea with a friend, watched movies and horrible TV shows...

I have tried so so many things and still I sit here wondering what do I do now!?

I have made all my doctors appointments and the appointments for The Barren, I have gotten myself a new pair of cross trainer shoes for walking in nature, but we have no plans for a trip yet. I have helped organize The Barrens closet yet mine remains like an overstuffed closet of hopes...I did give four of my dresses to a friend, as although they are beautiful they no longer fit me.

I have been the playmate for the three kitties and then find myself lost in a daze holding a fuzzy mouse toy. I am lost in a sea of unknows and quiet.

I don't mind the quiet, but after all this time it is starting to scare me a little.

When visiting with my parents yesterday, I found them older and more fragile, more forgetful, nothing dangerous, but just this side of vulnerable.

My brother is managing our parents rental unit, and I am his backup, but this morning my bestie asked if I would consider managing her moms two properties (as I live closer to them) as her mother was thinking of moving to a senior living situation, as she missed having people around her.

I am gonna talk to The Barren about that, bounce ideas off of him.

I am thankful for choices and options, as I know that comes from my privilege. 

My question is this: how do you chose which way to travel when at a crossroad?

Have you ever been unable to choose because you have so many choices?

Birthday day

 

I made myself a cake and took it to my parents place the night before my birthday.

The four of us shared slices and I left most of it with them, so they could continue to enjoy it for the next couple days. It was a nice quiet time, but it highlighted my parents changes in cognition and socialization. I focused on being present as best I could, but when we left I was clearly overwhelmed and overstimulated from the visit. The following day The Barren and I went to a museum and ate some ramen...then we came home. He is still fighting a cold and was tired, so I made myself birthday tacos, got in my PJs and watched Indian Matchmaker on Netflix while he played video games.

I think it has become clear that birthdays are not going to be big deals anymore. For The Barrens birthday I planned a whole week of things he loved...we went on an overnight and to his favorite breweries and places. For my birthday, it felt like he kinda got overwhelmed with work and chose to not do anything. So that was that.

Part of me wants to let it ride, another part of me felt disappointed.

If I am going to be honest, and it is my blog, so I can say that.

I felt kind of forgotten, and it didn't feel celebratory.

Lesson: no one is going to celebrate your birthday like you celebrate other people

The art exhibition ended the day before my birthday and was a personal success in many ways, there were a lot of bumps with it as well, and I learned a lot about the experimental process along the way. Four of the six pieces exhibited sold and that is a big personal record for me.

That exhibition has folded over into the next opportunity that I am currently working on...and stressing about.

I am not sleeping well, and I need cannabis gummies most nights to help me stay asleep, but I am eating clean, and exercising and taking my vitamins. I am being a responsible adult, and that seems to be taking more and more effort.

The number on the cake is not phasing me, at least not yet...

so that is a plus 😀

I made a list of things I wanted to do for my bday:

Take annual nude selfie ✔

buy myself flowers ✔

make a yummy cake ✔**

enjoy a cuppa tea and a sweet ✔

paint nails

shoot some film ✔

wear something that makes me feel good about myself ✔

laugh ✔

I have also decided to break form this year and attend a baby shower. I have not gone to any in a looooooooooonnnng time, but a darling woman who I used to nanny for is expecting and has invited me to attend, and I without much thought, said yes. I was shocked at how easy it was to plan to go. I guess I am growing in many ways.

So here is to 53, a total shock, a real leap of growth, a change from the norm...

it was my birthday Tuesday and I survived. 

**cake recipe**

Real estate

 

© The Barreness
A crowd gathered around my work on display

There is nothing to complain about...

Isn't amazing how the one bad thing can ruin the month of good things. It frustrates me, as it gets too much real estate in my mind and then I have to spend so much energy trying to not let it have so much space. It is exhausting.

My work has received so many kind, generous words. Unprompted from strangers and friends alike. 

Many of which as surprised by my capabilities, or creativity.

I spend three hours answering questions, and repeating information to visitors during the artists reception. I wore a mask and only got guff from one visitor, to which I responded that I wanted to remain healthy after the evening was over (it was a man, and a figure model at that...)

I was hoarse and overstimulated when the night was over, I spent the following day quiet and writing thank you notes to all who came out the night before.

A success in many ways. My art sold, I was the first sale of the show, and remain to the most sold artist in the exhibition so far. I am hoping that a review will be made my the local paper...I have learned how to make reels of my images on social media. I have been publishing new bits about the work online on a regular basis to keep people engaged and interested in the work...I am soaring with humble pride from months of focused work and it landing well. 

The night of the artists reception, I was chatting with a well known painter, and she looked at me in my shimmer and pride and said: " well, how are you going to top this?!" It landed like a javelin, I feared that question. I feared I would have to face my next step instead of enjoying where I had landed....I just smiled and said, I am brainstorming that now.

Two days later I submitted the work to a magazine for hopeful publication, a hope to continue to move the images forward...and this morning (weeks later) I was awoken to a little ping of an incoming email. It was a rejection notice. I stayed in bed longer than normal, feeling the weight of my failure.

I should be happy...and in many ways I am. I am still very proud of the work and hopeful it will grant me more opportunities but in many ways I can't sit and enjoy the moment; I need to think of new things to do, places to email, exhibitions to apply to...it is a frantic pace. I often feel as though, I am in the slow lane of the freeway trying to not get hit by passing cars.

It is exhausting.

So it came as no surprise, that I caught The Barrens cold on the return from his business trip. I nursed him for a week, thinking I was safer than safe...I wiped every surface, wouldn't let him in the kitchen, washed all the blankets...but still I got it. I managed to keep it at bay until after receiving my infusion...and then I crashed. My first cold in over three years! The Barren was stressed from his cold and travel, so I needed to fend for myself and I did my best to not be grumpy or ask for anything while I nursed myself back. Last night was the first real night back to a more normal sense of things...and I am back into the rapids, the fast lane on the freeway, the craziness that is normal for me.

So I am like a surfer, riding waves of joy and sadness. 

Thankful in many ways for it all

Self-awareness

    Joan Brown Painting

 I took my first solo trip in well over a decade to spend two days with my bestie.

I left The Barren behind to care for the cats, himself and the house while I flew away to have a girls weekend. It wasn't the girls weekend of movie types, there was no spa, or wine country or even a road trip. It was a cheap easy airplane ticket purchased back in September, on a whim with hopes of having some time with a friend.

It worked. My bestie put me up in her newly built studio in the backyard. I arrived between "bomb cyclone" storms hammering my state. I am a nervous flyer, so the idea of flying in storms was not ideal, but I love my bestie and I realllllllllly wanted to girl time, some me time. I lucked out, and the rain and wind had stopped for an hour while I flew there and an hour while I flew home. 

We spent the time walking the dog, chatting and squeezed in one museum visit 💓

There was also shuttling her hubby and kiddo to practices and grocery shopping.

Most of our time was chatting; bemoaning marriage challenges and life roadblocks. There is something unique and beautiful about a friend that knows you, and has known you for decades.  They spot when you are bull-shiting yourself, and when you are downplaying something. We both are vacillating with extreme creative joy and feelings of self doubt. Struggling to find time to sit with ourselves and accepting our new bodies as we walk this new menopause path. She is facing an empty nest this summer and how dramatically that will change her life and how much of her current life has been taken over with others schedules and expectations.

It was a gift to listen to her and her concerns for her kid and pre-college. I found myself in a rare position, I was able to offer help with things that are just too much to add to her plate. When I shared this with The Barren I was greeted with a huge smile and I think the two of us felt empowered in a small way. A way that would really matter to this kiddo.

When she was pregnant with this human, I was trying and failing to stay pregnant. In many ways her child is another time marker, both The Barren and I adore this human and we are overjoyed to be a person they call with questions and someone they can count on. My bestie and I were the same age her kiddo is when we first met...and that magic is not overlooked.

We walked the dog in large open parks in the mist and drizzle, around neighborhoods and chatted, never finding a moment without a topic to muse about. We shared meals and caffeine and window shopped in places near her home, but she never had time to explore. It was an amazing two days, we were both left exhausted and partially healed from the time we had lost over the last years in isolation. It was bitter sweet to say goodbye in the pre-dawn airport drop-off. 

We hope to meet somewhere between our two homes in the next 6months or so...life is riding us both hard these days and so it is fun to place a marker for another weekend out into the universe. (we chat almost daily via text, but spending time together is hard to come by)

When I lined up to board the plane, I got a weird feeling, I couldn't really place it but something was strange. Something was off...I brushed it aside and got my seat. It was announced that it was a full plane, so I moved from the aisle to the middle seat in my row. Someone was already at the window, when another person asked if the aisle seat was taken I said "nope, it is all yours".

After seeing everyone file onto the plane, and hear that it was full I realized what was off...

the WHOLE plane, aside from me and a disabled couple at the front row, was students.

I found myself sitting between two people that were clearly in college, and I sat there with nothing in my hands but my own hands. No phone, no tablet, no book or magazine...no distraction just my own hand to hold. My mind started to do math, I could be either of these peoples mother, I was old enough and they were the right age. I was flying in a live action reminder of an alternative timeline. The plane cabin was silent, everyone was plugged into something...meanwhile, I pretended to sleep, I pretended to make mental notes, mostly I was trying to distract myself for the hour long flight home and not collapse into a puddle of tears thinking about all the what-ifs.... Yep, it is an hour long flight, what a luxury. 

It was a long weekend, The Barren picked me up and we got breakfast. As we were sipping tea while it drizzled he asked me what my favorite part of the trip was, did something create a core memory?

 I started to laugh and told him that it was AMAZING to have a hot flash with my bestie.

We were walking in the museum gallery, both of us doing our own looking. Then I realized I was warm, then warmer, then dripping sweat, each stage removing more and more layers of clothing. Meanwhile my bestie was experiencing a similar thing on the opposite side of the room. We met on a viewing bench, to both dig into our purses to grab a hair tie and pull our hair off our necks. giggling about how we were carrying our coats in our arms and it looked like we were dragging blankets from gallery to gallery. That, that will stay with me forever....not feeling alone, laughing and feeling vulnerable together, we understood each other perfectly without saying a word.

Krampus

 

In order to make my latest adventure to the ER more manageable and less scary...I thought about what this flare might have looked like, what kind of personality did it have and I came up with this.

Big Flamboyance

I was up at 1:30am awoken with stomach tightening, that turned into a 12 hour saga of regular contractions and wave of nausea making all fuel leave my body, and leave me unable to form thoughts, drink water or even cry. That alone wouldn't get me to the ER, it was the pain in my lower abdomen that got me there fearing it was my appendix. Thinking the worse of the worst scenarios. 

Well, lucky for me, there was a lonnnnnnnnng wait to get a room in the ER. Our local hospital only allows the patients in the ER waiting room, having their companions wait in a separate section of the hospital until a room is assigned. The Barren was near but not with me while we waited for 3 hours to get a room. During that time, the ER filled with sick babies, lots of sick babies that sounded like seals barking. People having seizures and others puddled moaning in the chairs. I meanwhile was seating curled into a in fetal ball trying to not think about how much I was feeling past trauma, how I just wanted to go home, hold The Barren's hand and how silly I felt being there. (reduce yourself to make space for others much?) 

The Barren meanwhile was in the perfect spot to see all the new parents leaving the hospital with their babies in tow. So he was having just as much fun.

I think it was hour two, when I remembered I was just learning a healing mantra in my meditation class. I started trying to remember the words, I forgot some, then remembered them, then jostled the order, but I figured if I got any of them wrong it was still a good thing...I was focusing my breathing and mind on something that wasn't my pain, fear, or embarrassment.

Om tare tuttare ture mama ayru punye janana pushtim kuru soha

White Tara healing mantra

*****

At the three hour mark, I was called into a room and The Barren was ushered in separately. I met the doctor for a hot second, he determined that based off my blood and urine, it was not a blockage, rip or my appendix. I was given a cup of water to see if I could drink water again, anti-nausea drugs and IV fluids. The nurse, who was a totally cool dude with pink on the ends of his long hair, said that he believed what I was experiencing was peristalsis and because I was slightly dehydrated, I most likely could feel it more than normal. Then he unloaded some other cool facts like, the smell and taste I experience when the line is flushed before I get my infusions is actually genetic, and not everyone has that ability, and it is actually the blood flowing through my olfactory...anyways it was pretty cool. I got a call from my GI doctor right after the IV of fluids was placed and he called in a prescription for more anti nausea medication. (I was super thankful he was a rockstar like that).....this new diagnosis has a steep learning curve, and what I was experiencing was a flare. There is really no known causes for them, and it takes practice to learn the cues of one coming. So ideally I'll be fortified knowing mine tend to last for 24 hours and then subside, but can hurt like a mother when they are here.

When the IV was done, I felt re-booted and went home to shower and eat two tablespoons of sweet potato and go to bed. 

As I was eating said sweet potato, I asked what the date was and it was the 5th! The 5th of December....and I realized just then, that I had been battling the KRAMPUS....and I won.