Friday, March 23, 2007

My children

My beloved furry sons are both sick, they both ingested the poisoned cat food. My week has been spent at Vet ER's, and clinics. Crying and trying to understand the tasks at hand...what we can do to save them. Anything to save them.
Pleading to whatever or whoever still listens to me, to save them.
I feel guilty for not having hope anymore....I question my purpose.
" There must be another purpose for you"; I am beginning to wonder if that is to experience sorrow. Deep, hollowing, sorrow.

A voice in the back of my head is telling me what people people are saying about me..." they are pets...why are you so disturbed ? " Invalidating my feelings and emotions.

They are more then pets, they are my children. I am fighting for them just as any other parent would.

My fear is that, I have nothing to draw from anymore; I am a shallow puddle.
The title The Barreness is more now...not just my body, but maybe my life too.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

I finally sent a baby present out.
It grew from "forgetting to send it" to something I was becoming aware of avoiding.
I needed to get the item out of my home.
It is gone now.
Boxing it up, wrapping it carefully in the tissue paper, thinking of my friends swollen was all very painful.

I went to dinner with friends last night, they have two children. I found myself spending time just gazing at the girls.
Looking closely at their hair and skin, imaging cuddling and whispering to them in the dark night.

I am so sad that I will never have this.
Why was I chosen to be barren? Why am I The Barreness?