Monday, December 21, 2020

Exhale bullshit in two parts



So yesterday was a red flag day, rolling blackouts and an official stay at home order.

Normal December day, with temps in the 80's and no rain in sight.

I am working really hard on not seeing this as a twisted version of Russian Doll
wake up, and start only to have the air knocked out of you after the first foot hits the floor.
I have stopped reading the news again...after seeing the ding dong loose over and over in each recount it was all the joy I needed.
The Barren has grown more and more concerned as things are shifting again, and there are people plotting violence and no order from officials about stay at home orders and the virus is spreading at a break neck speed...so he is mentally preparing himself and maybe me in a way, for civil unrest and war.

I continue to try and keep my eye above the ground and be a little afloat in this sea of chaos.
My parents are bored out of their heads, and I am concerned about their mental health as this wears on.
My extended family is a mix of " fuck it " and " I don't think I'll catch it" 
So that is reassuring and has made it so that we barely talk to anyone...
isolating and strange silences.

My MIL called The Barren this past weekend to proclaim that she was not doing anything for Christmas, and that we are to expect nothing from her. There are too many stupid people spreading the virus and she is staying in.
So you know we talk with her still...
My FIL called and spoke to The Barren to share some craft stories and let him know that he is waiting for the vaccine....so we still talk to him.

My SIL (brothers family) maintains hermit status and home schooling and the two teenagers in that house are going loopy from isolation. While the littlest is happy to have so much time with everyone.
The dogs agree.
So you know we still talk to them.

My bestie and family isolated for two weeks after being exposed by extended family who bullied them into a visit with their 90+ yr old grandma.
Thank goddess besties family all wore masks and stayed as distance as they could as after the quarantine and testing they were all negative !! but the extended family were all positive and got sick.

I flirted with the idea of stopping at my local thrift store to take a peek, as I have not been thrifting since March and I miss it A LOT...
but the line of people outside made me drive on and whimper a little.

I have pulled the holiday décor out, and moved the cats from the mantle to a sunny window so I could decorate the mantle with holiday décor to remind us that it is indeed winter, and holiday time and that there is A LOT to be thankful for.
We are still wanting to be married, we still are healthy, we have healthy family and food in our tummy.

**********************
Part two
**********
Solstice morning- hair aglow


I wrote that earlier this month, and now that we are celebrating Solstice I decided to return for some more reflections.
Today's mediation focus was on changing pain, and reflecting on the bright return of the sun.
It was another lovely cool morning in the park, crows over heard cawing and little birds chirping in the grass under the trees.
I love the feel of the cool wind on my forehead and the quiet that soothes the now constant hiss that my ears produce.
I was reading about the confluence of the planets last night and how it is a time of great manifesting.
Thinking bigger than a foundation, bigger than you would normally think...
I have been having a hard time wanting things for myself and career.
I wonder if I deserve them...or if I have earned them.
If it is really too late for me...
but I want it all!
I want to want it passionately again, drive myself hard to see those things...
Imagine big bright goals.
Places far away, father then I had imagined...
I guess this year has made it harder to see things in the future, dreams that were once easy to imagine are now muted with doubts and wonder if I can go far away again.
I will think on my dreams, the ones I can't imagine for myself and maybe something, somehow will manifest for the future.


The stay at home order is in place, but the numbers are still through the roof and most of the area hospitals are near capacity. So I continue to only go and do grocery shopping, and park mediation classes. I drive by first and assess the crowd and if it seems crowded I pass it on to another day.
I made myself a couple new masks, and strip down when I get home changing clothes from outside to my inside clothes.

My father had a follow-up visit to his physician and thankfully took a list of questions I was set to ask to the appointment and learned new things about his headaches:
My father has viral meningitis most likely contracted back in December of last year...
one of the after affects is long term headaches. 
He is experiencing other elements too like:
 being off balance, sleep issues, light sensitivity and bruising.
His medicine, is giving him hand tremors and accelerated short term memory loss and mild hallucinations; things I noticed in his actions.
The physician saw that I wanted to be involved in the appointment but because of the virus only my father and mother could attend the appointment.
My father is most upset about the fact that he has gained weight.
My family has a HORRIBLE relationship with food and body image, 
 his weight gain is forefront in his mind.

I love the image of the Moon being put back to bed...
as nights becoming shorter, the sun waking and starting to shine longer
and the potential of rain in the middle of this transition, 
like tears flowing as one season says goodbye to another.

So I will sit today, reflecting on health
art
love
desires
and 
hopes for the new days ahead.
Exhaling the bullshit 

inhale
exhale



Tuesday, December 01, 2020

Familiar Heaviness

**another quarantine ramble**

© The-Barreness.blogspot.com

© The-Barreness.blogspot.com


So here we are in December...it has been a month since we said goodbye to our kitty and I still involuntarily check places he would be. I also have heard little sounds around the home at night and while I sit in the studio thinking, I hear him grooming himself in the chair behind me. 

Last night I swear the blankets had a cat on them as they were so heavy when I pulled them up to my chin.

A familiar heaviness.

Maybe that is it, there is a familiar heaviness in the days now.
The long weekend produced over 1600 new cases in my county, and I expect that number to rise even further as the days pass into the new year.
I spoke with the GI about my first colonoscopy and we agreed that me postposing it was safe and I was at a low risk group. The case numbers are climbing too high and I did not want to take medical people away from helping others that are in a much more dire situation than a routine colon screening. 
I am getting one, just not while the covid numbers are climbing.

The Barren and I had a mediocre Thanksgiving, we shopped for food and made different food and I tried a new recipe that ended up being long labored and came out quite boring! So that put me into quite an off mood. The Barren had a similar situation with his planned sides, and the bread didn't rise as it should have so we quietly ate a disappointing meal.
When my brother facetimed me the next day, he recounted a similar situation of making big efforts to make something special and it coming out super disappointing.
SUPER BUZZKILL
When I was cooling down from my mild temper tantrum, I mentioned to The Barren, 
Why is this different? We have been cooking from home since MARCH.
Making food and trying recipes for months....
Why do we think that thanksgiving is different?
We are thankful and present most days, and give to others every month...
Ugh, it was disappointing to watch others travel and visit others...
Tik Tok had families gathered and boasting that they were all infected...
I am so exhausted of the quarantine, 
and being a rule follower.


I am lonely, tired all the time
Pulling myself through daily chores and mediations.
My yoga studio found a loophole and has declared itself a "wellness center"
so they are now teaching indoor classes, and have reduced the park classes. 
So I fill my schedule with pre-recorded videos and go to the park two times a week to practice at 8 ft away in a mask nearby others.
The studio classes are full (10people per class) and filled with 20-30yr olds.
I am not the studios demographic.
It all makes me feel old and "responsible"
(a label I was given in my 20's and I have tried to fight it, but I am; I am responsible)

Thanksgiving weekend also got us to send our holiday cards out...
(responsible)
We had a portrait taken by a photographer I have admired for a decade, she does Ambrotype portraits and we did one for our 18th wedding anniversary and used it as our card this year.

I got a call from my parents last night that it had arrived and that it was "interesting"
which is coded language for " I don't like it"
sigh

I will leave this post of rambling about the mundane on a high note...
I dropped of my artwork to the gallery for the year end big event!
No reception this year, but a lot of buzz as always...
My piece sold in the first 2hours!!
I don't know who bought it, I will inquire later, but I am happy to have that pressure taken off my chest.
A sale means two things:
1. I have a new collector
2. I get invited back the next year to submit again !
Of the 11 years I have been invited I have sold work in 9 of them.
then when I thought that was my high of the day
I posted a drawing I did of a musician playing their instrument and tagged them on social media.
That musician not only commented on the work 
but BOUGHT a different piece of my art from my ETSY shop!!!
I have to admit, I did one heck of a happy dance.
so there was that too.
A roller coaster of emotions.
Much like the fluctuation in temperature from day to day.