Monday, December 21, 2020

Exhale bullshit in two parts

So yesterday was a red flag day, rolling blackouts and an official stay at home order.

Normal December day, with temps in the 80's and no rain in sight.

I am working really hard on not seeing this as a twisted version of Russian Doll
wake up, and start only to have the air knocked out of you after the first foot hits the floor.
I have stopped reading the news again...after seeing the ding dong loose over and over in each recount it was all the joy I needed.
The Barren has grown more and more concerned as things are shifting again, and there are people plotting violence and no order from officials about stay at home orders and the virus is spreading at a break neck he is mentally preparing himself and maybe me in a way, for civil unrest and war.

I continue to try and keep my eye above the ground and be a little afloat in this sea of chaos.
My parents are bored out of their heads, and I am concerned about their mental health as this wears on.
My extended family is a mix of " fuck it " and " I don't think I'll catch it" 
So that is reassuring and has made it so that we barely talk to anyone...
isolating and strange silences.

My MIL called The Barren this past weekend to proclaim that she was not doing anything for Christmas, and that we are to expect nothing from her. There are too many stupid people spreading the virus and she is staying in.
So you know we talk with her still...
My FIL called and spoke to The Barren to share some craft stories and let him know that he is waiting for the we still talk to him.

My SIL (brothers family) maintains hermit status and home schooling and the two teenagers in that house are going loopy from isolation. While the littlest is happy to have so much time with everyone.
The dogs agree.
So you know we still talk to them.

My bestie and family isolated for two weeks after being exposed by extended family who bullied them into a visit with their 90+ yr old grandma.
Thank goddess besties family all wore masks and stayed as distance as they could as after the quarantine and testing they were all negative !! but the extended family were all positive and got sick.

I flirted with the idea of stopping at my local thrift store to take a peek, as I have not been thrifting since March and I miss it A LOT...
but the line of people outside made me drive on and whimper a little.

I have pulled the holiday décor out, and moved the cats from the mantle to a sunny window so I could decorate the mantle with holiday décor to remind us that it is indeed winter, and holiday time and that there is A LOT to be thankful for.
We are still wanting to be married, we still are healthy, we have healthy family and food in our tummy.

Part two
Solstice morning- hair aglow

I wrote that earlier this month, and now that we are celebrating Solstice I decided to return for some more reflections.
Today's mediation focus was on changing pain, and reflecting on the bright return of the sun.
It was another lovely cool morning in the park, crows over heard cawing and little birds chirping in the grass under the trees.
I love the feel of the cool wind on my forehead and the quiet that soothes the now constant hiss that my ears produce.
I was reading about the confluence of the planets last night and how it is a time of great manifesting.
Thinking bigger than a foundation, bigger than you would normally think...
I have been having a hard time wanting things for myself and career.
I wonder if I deserve them...or if I have earned them.
If it is really too late for me...
but I want it all!
I want to want it passionately again, drive myself hard to see those things...
Imagine big bright goals.
Places far away, father then I had imagined...
I guess this year has made it harder to see things in the future, dreams that were once easy to imagine are now muted with doubts and wonder if I can go far away again.
I will think on my dreams, the ones I can't imagine for myself and maybe something, somehow will manifest for the future.

The stay at home order is in place, but the numbers are still through the roof and most of the area hospitals are near capacity. So I continue to only go and do grocery shopping, and park mediation classes. I drive by first and assess the crowd and if it seems crowded I pass it on to another day.
I made myself a couple new masks, and strip down when I get home changing clothes from outside to my inside clothes.

My father had a follow-up visit to his physician and thankfully took a list of questions I was set to ask to the appointment and learned new things about his headaches:
My father has viral meningitis most likely contracted back in December of last year...
one of the after affects is long term headaches. 
He is experiencing other elements too like:
 being off balance, sleep issues, light sensitivity and bruising.
His medicine, is giving him hand tremors and accelerated short term memory loss and mild hallucinations; things I noticed in his actions.
The physician saw that I wanted to be involved in the appointment but because of the virus only my father and mother could attend the appointment.
My father is most upset about the fact that he has gained weight.
My family has a HORRIBLE relationship with food and body image, 
 his weight gain is forefront in his mind.

I love the image of the Moon being put back to bed...
as nights becoming shorter, the sun waking and starting to shine longer
and the potential of rain in the middle of this transition, 
like tears flowing as one season says goodbye to another.

So I will sit today, reflecting on health
hopes for the new days ahead.
Exhaling the bullshit 


1 comment:

Infertile Phoenix said...

I love your writing. This post is so good, but I can't seem to put my thoughts into words right now. Here's a ramble. I am severely disappointed in loved ones' choices disregarding basic covid precautions. I am also severely disappointed in my previous employer's choices as well. I really enjoyed my holiday decorations this year. I might have even needed them. It's NYE and the tree and lights (sans ornaments) are still up. My wish is for inspiration these next couple of months. Inspiration for both art and joy but also in getting the mundane done. This pandemic has worn me down, as I'm sure everyone can relate.

Thank you for your blog! Wishing all the best for you and your husband in 2021!!