There she goes

 It feels strange to write about a car. 

I donated my car on Wednesday to the Humane World for Animals. We have a newer car, all electric and my sweet girl had almost 300,000 miles on her. She was getting tired, was gonna need all her original hoses and boots and seals replaced. 

She was my ride or die for 21 years! I picked her out originally because I wanted a four door car that would be easier to put in and take out a car seat, had enough room for my father to sit comfortably in the back and had better safety features...airbags! Before her I had a 1985 Toyota Corolla that I purchased from my great aunt, that only made right turns,  and when I started driving 100miles round trip to and from work, my mechanic suggested I get a safer car and a cell phone.

I picked out my gal, no bells or whistles, just super standard features with airbags. The upgrades from the 1985 car was that this new one had air conditioning, airbags and a CD player! It still had roll down windows (in case I drove off a bridge, I could still escape my car) and buttons and knobs that required turning to find radio stations and such. She had 3 miles on her when we drove off the lot and I loved that car. When stuff got serious, not long after getting her, she was my safe space to rage scream, cry and yell at the world. No one was the wiser, she kept my secrets. We went on the occasional road trip, but I babied her. Drove my goddaughters to and from school, carried my niblings to and from overnights. Even transported them along with the dogs while we waited for word about the youngest being born. She carried me to and from infusions and errands and gardens. 

Gladly hauling bags of compost in her trunk.

She ferried us and the cats to safety when the fires had us evacuating to safer locations. She made it through floods and storms and all the while required very little. She was " middle grey", a color I chose as a nod to my photographic love. She was my first brand new car, I picked her out, financed her and she in many way equated freedom for me. Freedom of movement, freedom for choice...I could go anywhere...she was mine! 

So when we got the newest used car, it was time to say goodbye. I cleaned out my car that night, emptying it of all the little things she had collected over the years, Acorns and CDs and love notes and keys and coins. I ripped off the Band-Aid in many ways.... I was emotional ! I sat on the kitchen floor and cried. I turned ideas around in my head. I asked my brother if his kids would want her? " she would be the perfect car to learn to drive in " I loved the idea that an Aunt would pass on another car in the family...but my niblings said no, they did not have any interest in learning how to drive! 

I asked people at my yoga studio that had kiddos, no one needed a car. 

This broke my heart, but also made it possible to think beyond the present and instead, look to donation.

The Barren was very supportive, he too had a mix of feelings. He didn't want me to feel forced to make a choice, but also knew I would have all the same options with this newer car.

When I decided who was going to take her on her next path, I drove her to the garden, talking to her along the way, thanking her for all her support over the years. I picked flowers for her dashboard and left them there to dry. 

The day before the tow truck came, I burned sage inside the car. Telling her that I release her from all that she helped me carry over the years. All the sorrow and pain that she allowed me to fill her with. All the times I screamed and cried and banged my hands into the steering wheel. I released her of all her obligations and thanked her for taking to me to places that also supported my joy and excitement. 

She was cleared of it all, she was free.

I tucked a little Milagros into a secret place to carry her to her next happy. 

The following day, I met the tow truck and watched her drive away.

I thought it would hurt more...maybe it will down the line but for now I am hopeful she will be auctioned off and make someone else happy.

Has anyone read Klara and the sun

A friend mentioned that our story was similar, and I kinda agree.

Now I feel different, as though I also let some of that sorrow and heaviness go too.

The goodbye was proof of growing pains and that is why I cried so much.

Baseline

**Brain dump-trauma** 

 I didn't go to the Bog Witch meeting, I chickened out...or found myself distracted enough to let it slide by. I was embarrassed at myself...and then spent time rationalizing why I didn’t make the effort to go. In the end, I simply made myself dinner, sat and watched something on tv and pondered what happened to my get up and go. 

The Barren is currently overseas for his big business trip. He has been adjusting well, and getting things done and exploring and being pampered by the hotel and his company and coworkers. It is really beautiful to witness and although it was so horrible to watch him leave...I am happy that his experience so far has been a good one. I watch his air-tag move around the country and city and it makes me feel more assured in many ways. I can't say it has totally eliminated my catastrophized scenarios, but it has absolutely muted them enough that I can do other things.

We got a lot of things done and sorted before he flew off, like our will and deep conversations that were overdue. It was so beautifully intimate and healing for us both. We celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary and went out to a dinner. He was so overwhelmed, that I did all the planning and was the only one to share a card and little token.

Meanwhile I also finished my end of the year art deadline, finished a commission, got accepted into a show in NY city, won an international award, stripped my community garden space, shot portraits of a collector couple of mine and finished my 1000th yoga class.

To say I have pushed myself into high gear is an understatement and I don't always run on high, but I have been having more manic style energy bursts since starting this medication.

The second week The Barren was gone we got rain, like A LOT of rain and when I went to use his car for errands, I noticed the rug was shiny...then on further inspection I found the rug was TOTally SOAKEd and the back passenger foot-well had two inches of standing water in it. No open windows, no open doors...the inside was dry...but the floor was under water! so I spent multiple days getting as much water out as possible between additional rain storms. Yesterday after multiple hours with a shop vacuum, I "tapped out" and drove it to the mechanics for professional help. I had done everything I could and still it wasn’t enough. I contacted the insurance company and filed a claim, and now it is with the professionals.

********

The Barren is home, safe and didn't get sick! MASSIVE WIN for us both.

A funny snafu was that I had kept all the information about his car to myself, as there was nothing he could do from India and so I figured I'd explain when I went to pick him up. The night before he was set to travel home, the mechanics texted him an invoice! He called and said why are they texting me an invoice, is this spam? I explained what happened and we both had a massive laugh about it. He has been considering another car and this might have been Mother Nature’s push to change things up.

Since his return we've hunkered down and have been taking things at a slower pace. He leaves again Sunday for another trip but this time only East and for only a week.

Last weekend we got some results back on my father, and it will require some more appointments, procedures and patience. Upon this information being shared by my parents to other family members, I got a phone call the day after. Actually a conference call with a slight interrogation feeling to it, asking me what I am doing and how this is being addressed and why I wasn't pushing my parents into making choices, and do I trust the doctors etc...

I finished the call, and stood up to find my whole back had a spasm and my left hip was trashed. I have spent the week stretching and heating and taking Tylenol. Thursday was the BIG GALLERY exhibition and I want to be able to stand and share the excitement of the night and my accomplishments.

I ended up at the massage therapist on Wednesday asking her to cast spells, and do any other magic should could do to help me be more comfortable. It is most likely a sciatica episode and as I have NEVER had this happen before I was learning as I moved through it.

She gave me a massage, and did some cupping, reiki, hot stones and preformed some serious magic to my back and hip. Leaving me so so thankful!

I arrived at the big event last night rested, ready and in little, to no discomfort.

I was able to get a couple photos just after entering the event, and then my in-laws arrived. I love that they come to this event. It is always a funny surreal moment, as my mother in law has hearing loss and doesn't read the room, so I have been interrupted in a conversation more than once by her interjecting herself, because she can't hear I am already talking. My new father in law is often decked out in a Santa cap and seasonal shirt and wandering about with a smile taking in the busy gallery scene. Last night was the same, so when The Barren suggested they head out front to get some air, I followed and they rested against the front window, chatting and then....

My father in law suddenly collapsed, I threw my arms out and caught him before he hit the cement. He seemed to have fainted...he recovered and stood up again, and while I was chatting with him...he collapsed again...this time for longer and I caught his crumple again, making sure his head was safe and straightening his legs from below himself. The Barren called 911 and the response was swift. I kneeled on the sidewalk next to him talking to him quietly and convincing him to let a professional make sure he was okay. 

My mother in law just kept saying this has never happened and he was tired. As wealked her to the car, I reasched out and placed a hand on her shoulder, to which she responded "I'm fine", I looked her way and said, sometimes it is just nice to be reminded that you have people around you that care. She didn't really find comfort in my softness, so I let the words float away. We took her to the ER to wait for word. He was being treated for dehydration and low blood pressure and after hearing this my MIL told us to take her home. He had other labs being done, so she would wait for results and his call to pick him up from home where she had a car. She shooed us out and we sat in our car for a moment wondering WTF just happened!?

We went to a restaurant in town to stare at each other, ask each other over and over " you okay"; my hip/thigh pulsing in pain and try to process the evening that just unfolded under a beautiful full moon in front of the gallery on the biggest night of the year.

As our food arrived, MIL texted that he was released and home. As of this morning, although he didn’t sleep well, he was fine and she'd check his blood pressure before they take the bus to retrieve their bikes from last night. 

So that was last night.

Totally normal, totally surreal, absolutely baseline for this year.

in reflection, I am thankful that my body carried me through the night, never once faltering at what I asked from it. Showing me how strong it is and how capable I am.

My cousin was there, helping me by getting me a glass of water, putting hands on my shoulder, while The Barren supported by his mom and answered questions. Her question was "how can I best support you right now?"

Kindness does matter

Shake the disease

 So it has been a shit couple of weeks. 

More than normal kind of shit.

I landed myself in the ER and had to stay overnight in the hospital.

 

I had some mild tenderness in my lower right side and my gut doctor told me that if that ever happened get myself to the ER right away. So after a couple of days of trying to figure out if it was a pulled muscle, a tender ovary or what, it got more tender and I went at 5am to the ER. 

I was taken back right away, and then it all became a flutter of activity and I did everything in my mind to remain calm. The Barren was with me and I am thankful for that. It was the first time doctors assumed I was in pain, and I kept having to tell them that I wasn't, that it was tender. One doctor even said " we as men would never be able to deal with the pain women deal with daily, and I just want to make sure you are not in any pain" I think that is when I stopped processing reality. 

After a change of nurses, IV placement, starting some antibiotic drugs and taking blood- 6 members of a  surgical team came in all at the same time as a second doctor. When I heard surgical team, The Barren said my heartrate rose quickly and my blood pressure sat higher. I think there were 7 people in the room all asking questions and telling me things and it was like a tsunami of information was closing in on me. The surgical team determined that I didn't need surgery, but wanted to keep me overnight to make sure I would respond to treatment. The doctor said the same...I felt like Alice falling down the rabbit hole.

My autoimmune disease was in a flare and it is right next to my appendix, so they wanted to make sure they knew what was flaring. thankfully my little appendix is holding steady 💓

I got assigned a room, and moved out of the ER. As they were taking me there, they mentioned that it was the maternity floor so there is lots of extra security. The irony was another brick to a surreal day. I got my own room, with open bright windows. My nurse came in to ask me a bunch of questions, and then let me sit in quiet to process.

The Barren went home to get me a change of clothes and my HRT drugs and glasses.

I sat in my room alone for a while, quietly crying, sitting in the strangeness of the morning that had unfolded. A whirlwind of people, drugs, questions....

 What had just happened? What was happening? over the course of the next few hours I was visited by another four doctors and surgeons asking the same questions, pushing on my tummy and asking how much pain I was in. I only insulted one surgeon by asking questions he couldn't answer and then as he left he said, I'll see you in 5 years, and I said..." for what?!"

Then my gut doctor arrived and The Barren was there, and we got everything explained and I was empowered with information and soothed knowing I had come in at the right time, done the right thing and that my immune system was too smart for my infusion drugs it seems. Blood work would determine it...I still had options and ways to treat and ideally avoid additional issues. 

A new level of learning had taken place, I was confident in knowing what was happening, and could explain it to others. That made me feel better and seen and thankful.

I was moved again to the top floor of the hospital for my overnight room, and had a view of the coast and a couch and was still solo. The Barren was so flustered and freaked out, he kept a brave face though... The hospital didn't know how to feed me, so The Barren brought me a couple things from home in a cold chest. We had eaten most of the food from home as this was the weekend before we had to leave for the fumigation...The Barren focused his attention on packing what I had not gotten to yet. 

My overnight was strange, and I tried to reframe it in my mind as a messed up hotel stay, or think of it as a hostel stay from decades ago. Never knowing when a person would join you in the room or what those sounds were. I didn't sleep much, I was anxious and the bed mattress is covered in plastic, so I spent a good part of the night sweating and tossing, trying to not bend my IV arm and fighting restless leg. I knew the nurse was coming in at 11:30 to give my steroids and so I set a alarm to wake before that and avoid being startled awake, and then again before her 5am vitals check. The early morning wake up worked well for me, as I treated it like I was getting up for yoga, I drank water, I got out of bed and washed my body with a washcloth and changed my clothes. I had time to sit in front of the big window and watch the sunrise slowly....in fact because I was out of my bed at 5:30 when the group of women from surgery arrived they were confused who I was. I got up from the couch and said "it is me, I'm the patient " and I walked over to the bed and sat down for them to ask their questions and then confirm that they were going to release me from their watch/surgery standby list. I thanked them and told them as lovely as they are, I don't want to see them again. They appreciated my humor and were glad to recommend the release. They were followed by a line of doctors who were astonished by my nature and were happy to declare/recommend that I was too healthy to be in the hospital for another day longer. My gut doctor arrived around 10am to have a detailed conversation with me and it was actually quite validating to have a doctor explain why and what he was concerned about, how we can move forward with other medications if needed, but that the blood work will take about two or so weeks to get back as they were sent to a remote lab that does the special testing required to get answers. I told him that if I wasn't an artist, I was going to be a doctor. That I was obsessed with microscopes as a kid and still have mine, but I realized it was actually a tool to view light and that it makes sense now that I am a photographer. He shared how he has always been into illustration and we talked about his graphic novel that he drew in medical school to remember drugs, interactions and reactions. It felt like an honest real conversation and I thanked him for empowering me with true knowledge, not speaking in a derogatory or dismissive way to me about my disease and having patience for my questions and always looking for answers for me. It was something I really admired and trusted him for. He was touched...and felt that although most people stay in the hospital longer when transitioning to steroids he felt that I had a true sense of what I needed to be aware of, look out for and was comfortable releasing me a day early to my own best care.

I was in the car with The Barren at 1:30 that afternoon headed to get some food to bring home.

I ate and took a nap and the following day I resumed tasks for moving things for the fumigation. A friend came over to help move my patio plants down our stairs and across the way and ended up moving a few before hubby couldn't find a cat* and then the whole thing stopped and never really started again until I had finished moving the patio plants myself, and digging up my front yard myself to move those plants to a friends home via a truck. Over the next couple days and into the week following, I did more than I should have, but I measured myself, took moments of rest and focused on eating well and drinking more water than normal. It has been non stop and yesterday was the first day I made space for myself to simply focus on a monumental art project that is due in one month. I ended up being exhausted yesterday and although I spent it not doing anything real for the project, I let myself rest....

Today I gathered some supplies and started to plot out ideas. I am going to do my best...and focus on simply making things that make me happy. Re-centering the goal. 

I am learning something new everyday about how strong I am, how tenacious I can be, how soft I can also be and sometimes I just need someone to tell me I didn't do this to myself. The little girl in me is feeling like she needs some reassurance that she isn't bad or being punished for something she did that she doesn't remember. I had a lot of quiet time in that overnight, and this past week, where I reflected on all the past medical trauma I have survived and how it makes me when I am around doctors and in medical environments. Infertility made me an advocate for myself, and my love of science made me question and look at things deeply....now I have to combine them and learn how to live with these autoimmune diseases in a way that make sense to me.

*the cat was found, she was watching us run around looking for her and made no attempt to assure us. Typical cat move.

Birthday day

 

I made myself a cake and took it to my parents place the night before my birthday.

The four of us shared slices and I left most of it with them, so they could continue to enjoy it for the next couple days. It was a nice quiet time, but it highlighted my parents changes in cognition and socialization. I focused on being present as best I could, but when we left I was clearly overwhelmed and overstimulated from the visit. The following day The Barren and I went to a museum and ate some ramen...then we came home. He is still fighting a cold and was tired, so I made myself birthday tacos, got in my PJs and watched Indian Matchmaker on Netflix while he played video games.

I think it has become clear that birthdays are not going to be big deals anymore. For The Barrens birthday I planned a whole week of things he loved...we went on an overnight and to his favorite breweries and places. For my birthday, it felt like he kinda got overwhelmed with work and chose to not do anything. So that was that.

Part of me wants to let it ride, another part of me felt disappointed.

If I am going to be honest, and it is my blog, so I can say that.

I felt kind of forgotten, and it didn't feel celebratory.

Lesson: no one is going to celebrate your birthday like you celebrate other people

The art exhibition ended the day before my birthday and was a personal success in many ways, there were a lot of bumps with it as well, and I learned a lot about the experimental process along the way. Four of the six pieces exhibited sold and that is a big personal record for me.

That exhibition has folded over into the next opportunity that I am currently working on...and stressing about.

I am not sleeping well, and I need cannabis gummies most nights to help me stay asleep, but I am eating clean, and exercising and taking my vitamins. I am being a responsible adult, and that seems to be taking more and more effort.

The number on the cake is not phasing me, at least not yet...

so that is a plus 😀

I made a list of things I wanted to do for my bday:

Take annual nude selfie ✔

buy myself flowers ✔

make a yummy cake ✔**

enjoy a cuppa tea and a sweet ✔

paint nails

shoot some film ✔

wear something that makes me feel good about myself ✔

laugh ✔

I have also decided to break form this year and attend a baby shower. I have not gone to any in a looooooooooonnnng time, but a darling woman who I used to nanny for is expecting and has invited me to attend, and I without much thought, said yes. I was shocked at how easy it was to plan to go. I guess I am growing in many ways.

So here is to 53, a total shock, a real leap of growth, a change from the norm...

it was my birthday Tuesday and I survived. 

**cake recipe**

Real estate

 

© The Barreness
A crowd gathered around my work on display

There is nothing to complain about...

Isn't amazing how the one bad thing can ruin the month of good things. It frustrates me, as it gets too much real estate in my mind and then I have to spend so much energy trying to not let it have so much space. It is exhausting.

My work has received so many kind, generous words. Unprompted from strangers and friends alike. 

Many of which as surprised by my capabilities, or creativity.

I spend three hours answering questions, and repeating information to visitors during the artists reception. I wore a mask and only got guff from one visitor, to which I responded that I wanted to remain healthy after the evening was over (it was a man, and a figure model at that...)

I was hoarse and overstimulated when the night was over, I spent the following day quiet and writing thank you notes to all who came out the night before.

A success in many ways. My art sold, I was the first sale of the show, and remain to the most sold artist in the exhibition so far. I am hoping that a review will be made my the local paper...I have learned how to make reels of my images on social media. I have been publishing new bits about the work online on a regular basis to keep people engaged and interested in the work...I am soaring with humble pride from months of focused work and it landing well. 

The night of the artists reception, I was chatting with a well known painter, and she looked at me in my shimmer and pride and said: " well, how are you going to top this?!" It landed like a javelin, I feared that question. I feared I would have to face my next step instead of enjoying where I had landed....I just smiled and said, I am brainstorming that now.

Two days later I submitted the work to a magazine for hopeful publication, a hope to continue to move the images forward...and this morning (weeks later) I was awoken to a little ping of an incoming email. It was a rejection notice. I stayed in bed longer than normal, feeling the weight of my failure.

I should be happy...and in many ways I am. I am still very proud of the work and hopeful it will grant me more opportunities but in many ways I can't sit and enjoy the moment; I need to think of new things to do, places to email, exhibitions to apply to...it is a frantic pace. I often feel as though, I am in the slow lane of the freeway trying to not get hit by passing cars.

It is exhausting.

So it came as no surprise, that I caught The Barrens cold on the return from his business trip. I nursed him for a week, thinking I was safer than safe...I wiped every surface, wouldn't let him in the kitchen, washed all the blankets...but still I got it. I managed to keep it at bay until after receiving my infusion...and then I crashed. My first cold in over three years! The Barren was stressed from his cold and travel, so I needed to fend for myself and I did my best to not be grumpy or ask for anything while I nursed myself back. Last night was the first real night back to a more normal sense of things...and I am back into the rapids, the fast lane on the freeway, the craziness that is normal for me.

So I am like a surfer, riding waves of joy and sadness. 

Thankful in many ways for it all

Self-awareness

    Joan Brown Painting

 I took my first solo trip in well over a decade to spend two days with my bestie.

I left The Barren behind to care for the cats, himself and the house while I flew away to have a girls weekend. It wasn't the girls weekend of movie types, there was no spa, or wine country or even a road trip. It was a cheap easy airplane ticket purchased back in September, on a whim with hopes of having some time with a friend.

It worked. My bestie put me up in her newly built studio in the backyard. I arrived between "bomb cyclone" storms hammering my state. I am a nervous flyer, so the idea of flying in storms was not ideal, but I love my bestie and I realllllllllly wanted to girl time, some me time. I lucked out, and the rain and wind had stopped for an hour while I flew there and an hour while I flew home. 

We spent the time walking the dog, chatting and squeezed in one museum visit 💓

There was also shuttling her hubby and kiddo to practices and grocery shopping.

Most of our time was chatting; bemoaning marriage challenges and life roadblocks. There is something unique and beautiful about a friend that knows you, and has known you for decades.  They spot when you are bull-shiting yourself, and when you are downplaying something. We both are vacillating with extreme creative joy and feelings of self doubt. Struggling to find time to sit with ourselves and accepting our new bodies as we walk this new menopause path. She is facing an empty nest this summer and how dramatically that will change her life and how much of her current life has been taken over with others schedules and expectations.

It was a gift to listen to her and her concerns for her kid and pre-college. I found myself in a rare position, I was able to offer help with things that are just too much to add to her plate. When I shared this with The Barren I was greeted with a huge smile and I think the two of us felt empowered in a small way. A way that would really matter to this kiddo.

When she was pregnant with this human, I was trying and failing to stay pregnant. In many ways her child is another time marker, both The Barren and I adore this human and we are overjoyed to be a person they call with questions and someone they can count on. My bestie and I were the same age her kiddo is when we first met...and that magic is not overlooked.

We walked the dog in large open parks in the mist and drizzle, around neighborhoods and chatted, never finding a moment without a topic to muse about. We shared meals and caffeine and window shopped in places near her home, but she never had time to explore. It was an amazing two days, we were both left exhausted and partially healed from the time we had lost over the last years in isolation. It was bitter sweet to say goodbye in the pre-dawn airport drop-off. 

We hope to meet somewhere between our two homes in the next 6months or so...life is riding us both hard these days and so it is fun to place a marker for another weekend out into the universe. (we chat almost daily via text, but spending time together is hard to come by)

When I lined up to board the plane, I got a weird feeling, I couldn't really place it but something was strange. Something was off...I brushed it aside and got my seat. It was announced that it was a full plane, so I moved from the aisle to the middle seat in my row. Someone was already at the window, when another person asked if the aisle seat was taken I said "nope, it is all yours".

After seeing everyone file onto the plane, and hear that it was full I realized what was off...

the WHOLE plane, aside from me and a disabled couple at the front row, was students.

I found myself sitting between two people that were clearly in college, and I sat there with nothing in my hands but my own hands. No phone, no tablet, no book or magazine...no distraction just my own hand to hold. My mind started to do math, I could be either of these peoples mother, I was old enough and they were the right age. I was flying in a live action reminder of an alternative timeline. The plane cabin was silent, everyone was plugged into something...meanwhile, I pretended to sleep, I pretended to make mental notes, mostly I was trying to distract myself for the hour long flight home and not collapse into a puddle of tears thinking about all the what-ifs.... Yep, it is an hour long flight, what a luxury. 

It was a long weekend, The Barren picked me up and we got breakfast. As we were sipping tea while it drizzled he asked me what my favorite part of the trip was, did something create a core memory?

 I started to laugh and told him that it was AMAZING to have a hot flash with my bestie.

We were walking in the museum gallery, both of us doing our own looking. Then I realized I was warm, then warmer, then dripping sweat, each stage removing more and more layers of clothing. Meanwhile my bestie was experiencing a similar thing on the opposite side of the room. We met on a viewing bench, to both dig into our purses to grab a hair tie and pull our hair off our necks. giggling about how we were carrying our coats in our arms and it looked like we were dragging blankets from gallery to gallery. That, that will stay with me forever....not feeling alone, laughing and feeling vulnerable together, we understood each other perfectly without saying a word.

Krampus

 

In order to make my latest adventure to the ER more manageable and less scary...I thought about what this flare might have looked like, what kind of personality did it have and I came up with this.

Big Flamboyance

I was up at 1:30am awoken with stomach tightening, that turned into a 12 hour saga of regular contractions and wave of nausea making all fuel leave my body, and leave me unable to form thoughts, drink water or even cry. That alone wouldn't get me to the ER, it was the pain in my lower abdomen that got me there fearing it was my appendix. Thinking the worse of the worst scenarios. 

Well, lucky for me, there was a lonnnnnnnnng wait to get a room in the ER. Our local hospital only allows the patients in the ER waiting room, having their companions wait in a separate section of the hospital until a room is assigned. The Barren was near but not with me while we waited for 3 hours to get a room. During that time, the ER filled with sick babies, lots of sick babies that sounded like seals barking. People having seizures and others puddled moaning in the chairs. I meanwhile was seating curled into a in fetal ball trying to not think about how much I was feeling past trauma, how I just wanted to go home, hold The Barren's hand and how silly I felt being there. (reduce yourself to make space for others much?) 

The Barren meanwhile was in the perfect spot to see all the new parents leaving the hospital with their babies in tow. So he was having just as much fun.

I think it was hour two, when I remembered I was just learning a healing mantra in my meditation class. I started trying to remember the words, I forgot some, then remembered them, then jostled the order, but I figured if I got any of them wrong it was still a good thing...I was focusing my breathing and mind on something that wasn't my pain, fear, or embarrassment.

Om tare tuttare ture mama ayru punye janana pushtim kuru soha

White Tara healing mantra

*****

At the three hour mark, I was called into a room and The Barren was ushered in separately. I met the doctor for a hot second, he determined that based off my blood and urine, it was not a blockage, rip or my appendix. I was given a cup of water to see if I could drink water again, anti-nausea drugs and IV fluids. The nurse, who was a totally cool dude with pink on the ends of his long hair, said that he believed what I was experiencing was peristalsis and because I was slightly dehydrated, I most likely could feel it more than normal. Then he unloaded some other cool facts like, the smell and taste I experience when the line is flushed before I get my infusions is actually genetic, and not everyone has that ability, and it is actually the blood flowing through my olfactory...anyways it was pretty cool. I got a call from my GI doctor right after the IV of fluids was placed and he called in a prescription for more anti nausea medication. (I was super thankful he was a rockstar like that).....this new diagnosis has a steep learning curve, and what I was experiencing was a flare. There is really no known causes for them, and it takes practice to learn the cues of one coming. So ideally I'll be fortified knowing mine tend to last for 24 hours and then subside, but can hurt like a mother when they are here.

When the IV was done, I felt re-booted and went home to shower and eat two tablespoons of sweet potato and go to bed. 

As I was eating said sweet potato, I asked what the date was and it was the 5th! The 5th of December....and I realized just then, that I had been battling the KRAMPUS....and I won.

Call Me

 So I had another phone call with the Gut doctor.

The Barren sat in on this one and asked questions and together as a trio of overeducated people,          we made a decision for moving forward.

My diagnosis was laid out before me, and three options (with some variances) and I made the best decision I could with the information available to me and my physician.

I have another MRI ahead of me, this is to confirm that another horrible is not lying in wait.

Meanwhile, at the same time, there are people working on getting insurance approvals for my medicine. I will be having infusions on a regular basis to stop my white blood cells from attacking my body any further and therefore reduce the inflammation of my intestines and further endanger my appendix.

If I get a problem with my appendix it would be an emergency situation because I have an inflamed intestine and surgery threatens my colitis from spreading further. You can't attach damaged sections to damaged sections....I'm like a human Jenga tower. 

I also have Crohn's disease

I am really really really struggling to process all this.

I am trying to put a happy face on, but I am finding that I am missing that overused mask.

I am stressed, scared and really have no idea what to expect. My nature is to find the silver lining of things, like....I am glad this was discovered before an emergency situation. I am hopeful I will feel better and not worse. I am thankful that my already augmented diet will be easy to maintain....

I am also trying really hard to not think of this as an hourglass...

I need to talk to someone about this, as I have not yet shared this with my bestie and brother. My therapist would be scolding me, but I guess in many ways I am not ready to say the words out loud yet. I am still too scared. I am meditating and trying to get more sleep, and get my yoga practice back in line...as I know all these these help manage stress, but I am finding, that even they are coming up lacking.

I want to run, run far away

run back in time, run away to have fun...run away from all this adulting. I want to run away from fear and anger and the ideas of being weak or fragile or unable to be seen as a normal person.

I don't know how to do that yet. I am not able to focus on artmaking as deadline and opportunities are speeding past and I need to grab them...I need to feel pieces of me that don't feel broken or wrong or out of line.

When I was saying my thank you's to the doctor, he said " Don't pin it on your heritage or your past NSAIDs use....your immune system simply got it wrong..... We are going to try and fix that" 

I feel so much, all at the same time...

Wild Stallion

This might be a case of "the horse that has already left the barn" 

to close the stable door after the horse has bolted

to have tried to prevent something happening, but to have done so too late to prevent damage being done

It appears that my body is resisting.

I have massively altered my diet since my last ER visit back in April and June. 

To date I have lost close to 20 pounds.

I have been poked, prodded, illuminated from the inside out. Photographed, x-rayed, CT scanned, looked at via magnets. I have given blood and poop and tears; testing everything that could be imagined and all signs point to the same place.

Although I don't like the answer, it appears that everyone that has seen my stuff all agree, it is the same.

I have Colitis.

it is only a very small section of my intestines, but my gut doctor wants to put me on medicine, as the small portion of my intestine that is inflamed is very very near my appendix and if one imposes anymore on it, it could be bad bad bad.

So now I am faced with a lifetime of immunosuppressant drugs.

As you can imagine, I have a billion questions about them.

I prize my immune system, it is like my superpower, so the idea that I will need to suppress it for the rest of my life is nothing short of terrifying.

Once again, the news was delivered via a casual phone call.

When I mentioned that I wanted to continue the watch and wait method is when he mentioned that even with all my work "we are most likely dealing with a horse that has already left the stable." 

My decades of pain killers for my endo and migraines most likely played a role in my immune system attacking my intestine and so in an effort to battle one auto immune disease I created another.

What an epiphany about all this horrible.

Myopic

 

I made the mistake of leaving this at the thrift store.

I thrift. I have been a thrift store shopper since High School. 

One of my recent goals is to not buy new clothes, but to thrift as much as I can. 

Fast Fashion/ Clothing is a large polluter so this seemed like an easy life shift.

I thrift shop for The Barren too, as he is in between sizes now and it is cheaper than buying new clothes.

He is cool enough about it.

I was going through the racks and came on this, I even stopped and took a photo of it, 

then put it back on the rack and continued my myopic search of particular sizes...

When I got home I did a quick search and then put my palm to head and just about cried.

this $8 shirt can get up to $200 on the used market!

I am finding that my sights are set to a myopic level as of late.

I am having a hard time seeing past the present, and although my meditation teacher would be glad to hear that, it is not really a good way to view a career or a way to set long term goals.

I am trying to set goals again, as I tend to respond well to them.

I have been rejected from EVERYTHING I have applied to this year...

the streak remains, and the most recent rejection hit hard...harder than I thought it would.

I have enrolled in remote classes to learn new techniques/processes 

and take free courses when and where I can.

I have signed up for free courses offered to artists to refine and update skills.

 My last two pursuits turned out to be much like a timeshare talk...

I lost a couple hours of time and was fed a sales pitch with pressure to buy into a program.

I was more disappointed in myself for not seeing it sooner:

The first was to "teach" you how to successfully apply to residencies. Artists residencies are spaces offered to make work uninterrupted, all require detailed applications and essays. 

The course was supposed to help you refine your documents and increase your chances of acceptance. 

The presenter, spoke slowly for an hour plus on how great all her residences were and what kind of perks, amenities and processes were involved. Some she paid large sums of money to attend and others were juried and she paid less for. 

The people attending were all rejected for all of the ones they had applied to and the lecturers words of advice was: keep applying, keep paying the application fees, and increase the number you are applying to.

I was beyond frustrated and I don't think I was the only one who felt cheated of the time.

The "low cost" ones recommended were a minimum of 3K at reduced rates, plus travel and art supply costs. 

Frustrated, I finally asked:

" being an artist with an inconsistent income, what advice do you have to applying as often as you are recommending?"

The response was: "don't apply to as many"

SIGH

My second attempt was an one hour talk about how to land more shows.

 An artist coach was leading the conversation. Pre-prepared lecture notes were sent ahead of the talk; and once logged in, I was greeted with a pre-recorded talk that ended up being a sales pitch

(see the actual screen shots above)

SIGH

I have had some success, as I took a couple photo classes via zoom and have had fun with the new techniques...but boy oh boy...the admin stuff have been total flops!

It has left me feeling quite defeated and sorry for myself.

Here I am trying to pull myself up from my bootstraps and I just feel fed to the lions of consumerism.

Mind you, I am trying to play in the deep end of the pool, and I am trying to update skills so that I am more consumable...

I was also supposed to be in an academic book about infertility, two of my artworks were selected, this has been in the works for over a year...and the authors are in the home stretch...and sent out forms from the publisher for all the contributors to sign. I read them over, and then had The Barren read them, and then a friend read them because....in them the publisher wanted all rights to the work for all eternity!

So I had to send a letter saying I needed to be removed from the upcoming publication, as I was not ready to hand over all my rights.

(it felt really horrible, especially after Roe v Wade)

My bestie was in town for a couple days, and it was nice to have tea with her before she returned home. We talked about everything including our aging parents. I told her how I feel pushed away by mine. My daily calls are now twice a week and they only talk about my brother when I call. I offer time and cooking and I am turned down. I told her how I've changed my tone, theme, and frequency of conversations...all in an effort to connect more, but nothing seems to work. So I am confused and hurt.

She understood and we both know that the moment anything goes amuck, we both just jump into gear to fix things...zero hesitation. In the meantime, her mother eats food that is mis-delivered to her home, and my parents have long talks with phone solicitors and send group texts of puppy photos.

So this little engine is feeling pretty low, and lost and sad.

But I am trying to see past that...ideally my myopic vision will turn into something else soon.

Until then, I'll just keep my eyes on the railroad line.

Gone

 Let me start with this....

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKK

I had a CT scan scheduled for 9am on Friday morning, I had drunk a container of barium the night before and was staying away from social media to try and calm my growing list of fears, as I drank the second container.

I had been in my in doctors office on Thursday morning with The Barren 

because I was on the floor, folded over in pain. 

I had STAT bloodwork done, a STAT ultrasound done 

because they didn't know what was causing the pain. 

Things I feared were causing the pain

impending DEATH

ectopic pregnancy (even though I haven't bled since December of 2020)

infertility trauma has trained me well

bleeding ulcer

ruptured appendix

At the hospital, I was trying to calm myself while I waited for CT tech and I heard the receptionist say

 " did you hear? they overturned Roe V Wade"

(she mentioned it quite casually, like, hey I brought a sandwich from home for lunch today)

My mind begun to spin, I went totally numb.

As I laid on the CT bed, and the nurse tried MULTIPLE times to feed an IV into my arm I thought, what the hell is happening right now?!

The scan went on and I was syrup sweet to everyone because they have all lived through years of trauma treating stupid non mask wearing people.

I got dressed, took a selfie in the bathroom and made it back to my car to collapse into a puddle of tears.

I was too scared to move really...I felt lost under water and unable to see where the bubbles were going.

I texted The Barren that the test was done, and I was headed home.

There was road work and delays and as I sat in waiting lines, I screamed.

Screamed deep, guttural, primal screams.

I wanted the men in the work tractors outside my car to hear my rage

I wanted birds to fly off course

I wanted to be free 

I was terrified for the women suddenly stuck in line, suddenly without options suddenly trapped. I screamed in hopes to blast open walls, I screamed and screamed and screamed to empty my lungs of all air, I screamed until I thought I would pass out. 

Then the line of cars began to move and I sat silent in my car the remainder of the trip  like I had pulled all the air out of the space... until parking at home.

I had lost my voice; literally and physically.

My arm hurt, my throat hurt, I was scared to eat, I was scared to move.

I drank a glass of water and then I don't remember what I did....

I had visions of people shooting the justices (there is a new open carry law) in restaurants out of grief,  because their partners died unable to get an abortion for their ectopic pregnancy.

I went DARK DARK DARK and that scared me.

I got text messages from a couple friends, I sent a couple text messages telling friends I loved them.

I skipped out on a night out watching The Barren play music, and instead stayed home and cried.

The result of this has left the men in my life confused and feeling useless. I love them but I don't think they understand the depth this radiates in my sense of self.

I live in a state that has protected the right to abortions and is aiming to add it to our constitution:

"On Friday, Mr. Newsom signed a bill to shield California abortion providers from liability or prosecution related to out-of-state bans on abortions. He also announced an agreement with Gov. Kate Brown of Oregon and Gov. Jay Inslee of Washington to establish a West Coast abortion firewall that would protect providers and patients from the legal reach of other states.

Pending bills would authorize experienced nurse practitioners to perform first-trimester abortions without a physician’s supervision and create a state-administered fund to help underwrite travel expenses for the many women from abortion-ban states expected to come to California for an abortion."

THIS DOES NOT CHANGE MY RAGE

I made donations to abortion aid funds on Saturday and plan to sell some recent photographs as limited editions to raise more funds for Abortion help for people nationwide.

I did a series of self-portraits that I posted on social media and disturbed some friends with their rawness, I was not afraid to be raw, I feel stripped of something...it is a feeling that I can not really put words around, although I am trying here.

I seem to be explaining myself to a lot of men in my life, and hand holding to help them understand why I am acting the way I am. What I am doing is frustrating and I am trying to keep myself from lashing out at the wrong people for the right reasons. 

Has my place in society and my worth changed or shifted now...I know it has for many others over these years and it is painfully punctuated for women of color and trans people. 

What or how are you coping? The WHOLE world sees us and how super fucked up this country is.

I can't form any more thoughts right now...

I wish you strength for your conversations and peace for your quiet moments

Feeling, nothing more than feelings

 I have been feeling a lot.

There is so much going on in the world and around where I live and with the people I have in my life...

I am overwhelmed and have shifted to staring into the ether a lot these days.

We attended the "bans off our bodies" rally locally, I was proud that The Barren had ZERO hesitation about going, knew what he wanted his sign to say and was next to me the whole time while I was overstimulated by simply being outside in public.

There were about 600ish people there and we marched through the downtown corridor.

It seemed like the right thing to do, sitting at home was not what I wanted to reflect on when I thought of how I lived my life.

Ironically, one of The Barren and my first dates was a pro-choice rally nearly 30years ago!! 

I wanted to photograph the protestors and he said, I'll go with you. Then in the middle of it all, he walked up and tried to reason with one of the sign holders screaming how it was murdering babies.

I have a photo of that too

It feels like a Goliath task to try and change things...

every vote seems wrong, every law seems aligned to attack people.

I am scared, like seriously concerned that things have slid and now I am chasing the car as it drives out of sight  down the road. 

****

Our neighborhood is under the influence of a Chevron effort to secure more drilling and potentially pollute our water and Edison (power company) is set to put a new compressor station not even two miles away and put us into harms way from leaks and damaging noise.

Then there is the war against Ukraine and hunger and a million dead from Covid-19.

My parents seem to be rapidly aging before my eyes and my mother in law went out for a drink last week and when she got up in the middle of the night to get a drink passed out and split her head open and fractured a bone in her back....but she didn't tell us until she was home from the hospital.

*

EVERYTHING I have submitted this year I have been rejected from, which has really made me reassess my life and also our eldest niece has graduated high school and I feel a million years old.

My darling husband is so stressed he is considering quitting his job on a daily and I have learned to not react to that...as talking about it or working through alternatives seems to amplify things and makes him even more upset...and it doesn't help the situation for him. 

(I have mentioned again him getting some professional help to manage stress)

SOoooooooo 

I am having lots of feelings with no place to take them

We got boosted again (second boost) and I have been trying to go to the least congested yoga classes in studio with a KN95 mask on...I am the woman in the mask in the back of the room!!

I thought that maybe my mood would be boosted if I did some social yoga instead of impressing the cats with my bedroom yoga.

We are still out on the results on that one.

*

I also got The Barren to help me shift the garage around and cull many things we are feeling weighed down by...so the thrift store picked up a heavy load.

I gave my darkroom enlarger and assorted trinkets to a local guy who was setting up his first darkroom, my meditation teacher helped arrange that match. It was bittersweet when he drove away...I only cried a little. It seemed like a perfect example of time passing and aging.

I decided to focus on what I could do, and 

I signed up for some alternative process classes, using less toxic elements and I am looking forward to learning new things.

I am feeling time more these days than normal...I feel myself becoming another person. I am not sure who she is yet, but she is learning to navigate a lot of life on her own, weighing situations out. 

On the outside that mostly mostly looks like, watching and listening more....

I feel more like an adult, I never wanted to feel like a grownup, and suddenly here I am feeling just that.

Here is a photo of me doing what I love best. My friend produced this image.

We have not been able to visit as often as gasoline prices are between 6.50-7.00 dollars a gallon now and it has factored into my budget now.

I am looking forward to some good changes...there has got to be some good changes around the corner... right?!?

Sigh

This new year

 It has been a little bit since I've checked in here, 

Well, I check every couple of days and read your blogs, 

but it has been a little bit since I have sat down to write something.

So hello and happy new year

I never got our holiday cards made, and I even missed the chance to make them New Year cards, and now they can not be Valentine cards...so I need to let that rope loose.

I was sitting in my bathroom, after sneezing repeatedly from my nasal swipe home test, looking at this tiny piece of plastic....wondering what will the answer be?!

Anyone else been triggered by this act of home testing?

I was surprised at how quickly this became a flashback to days of yore.

I sat there for 15 minutes waiting, wondering and hoping for a negative so I could visit a friend who had tested that same morning and was also negative.

This is the new weekly normal it seems,

We test ourselves before visiting and then can hug and laugh and share a picnic.

I have been struggling to find a new normal for myself. 

A new studio practice, a new routine, a new self. It has come to my attention, that home chores are now a predominate part of my week. I sit in my workspace daily: often distracted/interrupted with making meals, doing laundry, being a cat entertainer and my anxiety from not making new artwork.

So I have taken to visiting with a friend weekly. I take my camera and shoot film and laugh and try and find a new moment of clarity and less guilt.

The Barren is home during this time, working and stressing and I am off playing with a friend.

It has me feeling conflicted, but The Barren assures me that he wants me to find this time to be creative.

I come home from these visits and either bring home food or immediately hit the ground running to make a meal when I walk in the door, as I am wanting to counterbalance these feelings...

I don't like that I feel this way...

I don't make much money anymore and The Barren is carrying the load. Once again he assures me that he wants me to have space and time to make art, as he feels that is my true calling.

I adore him more than words can describe for this vote of confidence.

I sold almost nothing last year (I just did our taxes) I made $148 from the sale of 3 packs of cards and two prints. So I am clearly not the next breadwinner in this house.

So in exchange I do all the housework, food shopping, laundry, dishes, cooking and dishes.

While still trying to make art, and check into my remote job (it is pretty quiet this time of year)

so that is what I have been doing.

The Barren turns 50 next week, he is feeling low and super stressed. (compounding my guilt)

I booked us an overnight at a hotel in a town about two hours from here. It is supposed to have ocean views and a balcony to watch said ocean.

An overnight means the cats can be left alone without needing a check-in from a third person.

I also sent an email out to everyone I could think of to send birthday wishes so I could put them into one book for him and he could see how special he is to so many people.

They are trickling in slowly, and that has raised my anxiety a little...but I am trying to let it swing in the wind. He will have wishes from a few for sure and I have a crafting project to make.

His best buddy has three concerts for them to attend in the next week. The Barren has been pretty isolated and hunkered down here at home in preparation (really it is social anxiety, and Covid fears)

for the last month! So that has added to his feelings I am sure...

But tomorrow he starts to break free and attend events outside the house.

We have a stack of home tests, and are crazy careful and cautious about masking around people.

So far, it has served us well, as neither of us has gotten the virus.

WHICH IS THE GOAL STILL

On another front:

I reached a milestone, well a touchstone? or a life marker?

I have not had a period in over a year now! 

I am in a whole new land.

I had a follow-up ultrasound to make sure that the polyp, that the GYN gave me while trying to take an endocervical pap was gone, and thankfully it was. All seemed calm on the cervical/uterine front ⭐

So here I am, avoiding going back to the gyn to try again for that same pap.

This new year has been trying and my gosh we are only just finishing up the second month.

I am feeling lonely, but as mentioned I continue to make real efforts to find a social feature outside my home once a week...and I am still doing online art discussion class, and yoga practice (at home) and meditation group (4 people in a HUGE multipurpose room with masks) but the overall feeling is still very isolated and alone. Like a thirst that is unable to be quenched.

Is anyone else feeling this too?

Okay, I am babbling again.

Happy newish year...I'll be back sooner to reflect on some thing or another.

Another Year Ends

Merry Hanukah, Bright Solstice, Happy Christmas, Festive Kwanza

Art by: https://wolfskulljack.com/

Another year comes to an end...I have come back here multiple times to write about feeling, fears, hopes and sorrow. Many times simply staring at the blinking cursor. Other times spilling words easily onto this magic writing pad. All the times, knowing that there would be no judgement in what I came up with, mumbled about or struggled with.

I can not thank you all enough for that.

I feel like I am safe in this space, with expressing myself.

WHAT A GIFT THAT IS!!

I hope that whomever is reading this, feels the same, even for just a moment in time, as that can build to 5 minutes, than a half hour then a month, and a year.

You are magical and unique and so worth fighting for!

Happy of any holiday you acknowledge.

look at you shining so brightly

*

My Cervix

****candid- real talk about exams****

 It is that time of year again...check under the hood and see how things are.

Like years prior I tried to make all the appointments in a week, so I could get them all done and then be done for a year...but that circles thing is still haunting me. I had my general checkup/in and to say that my primary wasn't happy with my answer to her : Are you happy? question is kind of an understatement. What did she really expect...I mean I think all of us have been run the fuck over these last two years. My response of "mediocre" was not received well and she offered no other options other than noting that she wanted me to take care of myself?! WTF

I was cleared and told that my cervix was too closed to do a proper pap and that I needed to have ANOTHER one done by the GYN department....as well as a stack of other orders for mammos and ultrasounds and follow-up bloodwork.

Meanwhile the gastro doctor needed me to REPEAT all the samples I had done two months ago because the lab didn't culture them all.

I went for my pap redo yesterday and aside from a single extremely pregnant woman in the waiting room, the other ladies in waiting all seemed unfazed and not pregnant.

I decided to have the NP that did my endo biopsy do this retry and she tried...and then asked for more things to try and do it. I was laying there flayed open with a speculum in place for longer that most of us would like, she proclaimed that more things were needed and rang for another woman in the office to fetch other devices to try and open my cervix enough to get cervical cells....after what felt like an entire construction site worth of devices she said she was not able to open the cervix enough.

She prescribed an estrogen suppository for me to take for a couple months in hope that would soften my cervix enough to take a proper pap. So she wants to try again in February. 

I felt defeated, and disappointed and after I got dressed, it also felt like I had been punched in my vagina. I have had some mild cramping too...but I am guessing that was from the clamp they put on my cervix while trying to get a cervical dilatator into me.

Today was my pelvic ultrasound...it was obvious when the ultrasound tech started to place the probe that there was a tissue tear in my vaginal wall from yesterday and then she said she could see where the NP tried to get into my cervix...in fact she said to expect spotting in the next couple of days as things looked poked. She told me that my ovaries are starting to get smaller too. I was thankful for the heads up and the repeated checking-in on me to see if I was alright and not uncomfortable. 

I left the appointment and sat in my car for a little cry, my vulva throbbing and aching.

It was a lot of things to process.

I am cooking tonight, feeling like I need to control something today...anything for that matter.

I was suppose to do a family photo shoot, but the family postponed and I am kind of grateful. It means I have some time to work through some feelings about this whole couple of days. I think I am going to soak in a tub tonight too, ideally it will help start some healing.

I know that a lot of my feelings are surfacing from my IF days, when I had most of the people from my county in my vagina, looking around and giving opinions. I can put on a mask, swallow pain, discomfort and make little jokes to deflect real feelings...but I am not so okay with doing that anymore. I am tired. I am tired of feeling like I am broken or unwell. This entrance into menopause is like taking a dive into a dark deep pool and no one tells you what the water temp is, what is in the pool or if you will sink or swim....because each of us sees that pool differently and so why tell you anything.

It has been a rough start to the week, I still have a breast ultrasound, and a follow-up with the gastro doc (who will be wondering why I am not sicker)

I am not wanting to complain, but really wonder if this is what to expect from here on out. Does anyone else have this experience? closed cervix with the onset of menopause, having to do paps over and over? How are you handling the beginnings of menopause, or perimenopause? 

Any advice or tips would be of great enlightenment.