ALOT- yep I meant it like that

TW **pregnancy talk towards the end**

I have begun taking HRT (hormone replacement therapy), to me this is another milestone in life...

I went to a second doctor to get a second opinion about an ultrasound result and was given the all clear for treatment. It was a 1 hour wait to see him, also my first male GYN doctor. He came into the room with a resident in tow also a man, and sat down, apologized for the wait and asked why I had come in. I said, get ready for an earful, and then I recounted the history with my uterus & ovaries, why I get yearly pelvic ultrasounds, recent tests and results and my concern about the most recent ultrasound results*. Once I was done, he asked if I was in gynecology, as my descriptions and knowledge was similar to his...I said, well I've had to be my own advocate for a  long time and this is the result.  He said he only had one question, and it was a simple yes or no. My assumption about the current situation was true and he agreed with the prior midwife and the result was that I did not need the procedure the ultrasound tech suggested.

After that was cleared up, I asked if he could recommend a menopause care doctor in town, to which he explained that we could take care of it there....I could get onto HRT, as my breast lump is benign, and I am early into menopause. I told him I had been reading about all the benefits of starting early into menopause and that I was tired of feeling like a zombie. I wasn't sleeping, I was having a hard time focusing, I was more and more concerned about my overall health, my libido had dropped, and although my hot flashes are mild, my night sweats for the last 10 years were getting REALLY old. 

He reassured me of the benefits, and after suggesting that I start a patch. I told him that although that was a great option, I have an allergy to adhesives and so we needed to find another mechanism for delivery. I asked my questions and voiced concerns about my endo, and fibroids and cysts; which he answered and then I left with a prescription and knowledge in what I was choosing.

I sat in the car and felt..........SEEN, HEARD, and scared but EXCITED. A new milestone.

When I picked up the drugs from the pharmacy, I asked the pharmacist what to expect and was given another pep talk and left feeling good about my choices.

My bestie and I have had conversations about HRT and when she went into the doc to have her IUD removed and to ask about HRT the doctor was far from helpful, instead delivered the phrase " it is just something we need to deal with" She is now on the hunt for a doctor that specializes in menopausal care too.

This is not something we should have to "deal with" she is miserable, I am feeling less miserable (even after a week, even if it is psychosomatic at this point) and we deserve better care.

All this after a span of two months of constant stress trying to make something for the newest exhibition that the gallery invited me for. After too many sleepless nights, failed attempts and tears I turned in four options, that I had created with the theme, knowing that I had literally tried everything I could to make the art. Thankfully, and with a kind nod from the universe, I was invited to submit a selected work. So I am in the exhibition. It is a fundraiser, but 50% of the sale goes to me, and the rest is split between the gallery and the garden.  I am quite proud that all the work manifested into a positive reality.

I have been "resting" my creative self since the submission. I had tea with some longtime friends who are painters and preparing for their solo exhibitions. I told them that I was flattened creatively from what seems like a constant sprint. They told me about the post exhibition breakdown, I was still running on my treadmill in an effort to make something else, capture that spark...grab for the stars...be everything and everyone! 

It was reassuring to hear it is real and needed. We are all feeling and looking haggard, wanting to make beautiful, meaningful work while still being everything to everyone and trying to take care of ourselves too...it is alot, a big furry, alot,  just there waiting to see what we step in next.

from Allie Brosh

Does the world seem to be spinning strangely? Is time whipping by like a top?

It is graduation time again, maybe that is why the alot appeared, time markers, reminders of how old my star child is...

Why are all of my yoga classes filled with visibly pregnant women, so so many of them and so many more that are newly pregnant women talking about how newly pregnant they are...

I thought all the dudes got vasectomies' when Roe was overturned...I guess not.

I guess it is another alot.

*my ultrasound result said that I should get an endometrial biopsy, as my endometrium is too thick for a woman my age. I got two opinions from two doctors who looked at my past ultrasound results and agreed it was not needed. Plus, with my closed cervix, I would require a D&C just to access my uterus...

Self-awareness

    Joan Brown Painting

 I took my first solo trip in well over a decade to spend two days with my bestie.

I left The Barren behind to care for the cats, himself and the house while I flew away to have a girls weekend. It wasn't the girls weekend of movie types, there was no spa, or wine country or even a road trip. It was a cheap easy airplane ticket purchased back in September, on a whim with hopes of having some time with a friend.

It worked. My bestie put me up in her newly built studio in the backyard. I arrived between "bomb cyclone" storms hammering my state. I am a nervous flyer, so the idea of flying in storms was not ideal, but I love my bestie and I realllllllllly wanted to girl time, some me time. I lucked out, and the rain and wind had stopped for an hour while I flew there and an hour while I flew home. 

We spent the time walking the dog, chatting and squeezed in one museum visit 💓

There was also shuttling her hubby and kiddo to practices and grocery shopping.

Most of our time was chatting; bemoaning marriage challenges and life roadblocks. There is something unique and beautiful about a friend that knows you, and has known you for decades.  They spot when you are bull-shiting yourself, and when you are downplaying something. We both are vacillating with extreme creative joy and feelings of self doubt. Struggling to find time to sit with ourselves and accepting our new bodies as we walk this new menopause path. She is facing an empty nest this summer and how dramatically that will change her life and how much of her current life has been taken over with others schedules and expectations.

It was a gift to listen to her and her concerns for her kid and pre-college. I found myself in a rare position, I was able to offer help with things that are just too much to add to her plate. When I shared this with The Barren I was greeted with a huge smile and I think the two of us felt empowered in a small way. A way that would really matter to this kiddo.

When she was pregnant with this human, I was trying and failing to stay pregnant. In many ways her child is another time marker, both The Barren and I adore this human and we are overjoyed to be a person they call with questions and someone they can count on. My bestie and I were the same age her kiddo is when we first met...and that magic is not overlooked.

We walked the dog in large open parks in the mist and drizzle, around neighborhoods and chatted, never finding a moment without a topic to muse about. We shared meals and caffeine and window shopped in places near her home, but she never had time to explore. It was an amazing two days, we were both left exhausted and partially healed from the time we had lost over the last years in isolation. It was bitter sweet to say goodbye in the pre-dawn airport drop-off. 

We hope to meet somewhere between our two homes in the next 6months or so...life is riding us both hard these days and so it is fun to place a marker for another weekend out into the universe. (we chat almost daily via text, but spending time together is hard to come by)

When I lined up to board the plane, I got a weird feeling, I couldn't really place it but something was strange. Something was off...I brushed it aside and got my seat. It was announced that it was a full plane, so I moved from the aisle to the middle seat in my row. Someone was already at the window, when another person asked if the aisle seat was taken I said "nope, it is all yours".

After seeing everyone file onto the plane, and hear that it was full I realized what was off...

the WHOLE plane, aside from me and a disabled couple at the front row, was students.

I found myself sitting between two people that were clearly in college, and I sat there with nothing in my hands but my own hands. No phone, no tablet, no book or magazine...no distraction just my own hand to hold. My mind started to do math, I could be either of these peoples mother, I was old enough and they were the right age. I was flying in a live action reminder of an alternative timeline. The plane cabin was silent, everyone was plugged into something...meanwhile, I pretended to sleep, I pretended to make mental notes, mostly I was trying to distract myself for the hour long flight home and not collapse into a puddle of tears thinking about all the what-ifs.... Yep, it is an hour long flight, what a luxury. 

It was a long weekend, The Barren picked me up and we got breakfast. As we were sipping tea while it drizzled he asked me what my favorite part of the trip was, did something create a core memory?

 I started to laugh and told him that it was AMAZING to have a hot flash with my bestie.

We were walking in the museum gallery, both of us doing our own looking. Then I realized I was warm, then warmer, then dripping sweat, each stage removing more and more layers of clothing. Meanwhile my bestie was experiencing a similar thing on the opposite side of the room. We met on a viewing bench, to both dig into our purses to grab a hair tie and pull our hair off our necks. giggling about how we were carrying our coats in our arms and it looked like we were dragging blankets from gallery to gallery. That, that will stay with me forever....not feeling alone, laughing and feeling vulnerable together, we understood each other perfectly without saying a word.

Forked

 

I'm exhausted

I have made it to the other side of the constant testing, I think.

The harrowing MRI turned out fine, nothing bad found, no new information.

So for the record, these MRI's are crappy ways to spend $100 at a time.

anyways, that part seems to be done.

I had my annual check in with my GP physician yesterday, I was assigned a new one.

When she entered the room she had a long list of notes on me as she had reviewed my record...kind of.

I spent most of the appointment watching her chart my current situation.

She asked a couple questions, I didn't have to have a pelvic because another department does those now and when she started telling me about my dense breasts, I told her I pay outta pocket for those ultrasounds too. I was overwhelmed...

I do know that at one point I said that "this was easier than my decade of infertility"

 Between you and me, I was still quite overwhelmed and feeling traumatized.

She stopped everything, looked at me, dead in the eyes and said:

Are you feeling underwater, do you feel like medication would help?

I was sort of taken aback, I think mostly by how close she was to my face, and the unblinking eye contact....but I said I don't think I am there yet.

She said things like: manage chronic illness and you are a menopausal woman 

If those weren't enough lovely gems from the visit she went on to tell me that she believes I have a secondary disease with my UC/Crohn's 

Hyperthyroidism.

She scheduled me for a bone density exam, I got a breast exam and then it was done.

I got dressed, got three shots and went to my car to cry, again!

I am spun...I am in a land I know, but all my markers are not familiar to me.

I go to all my appointments alone...I am not sure if a parent, lover or friend would have made this any better...but I know I am not okay.

In fact:

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

So here I am a leftover, emotional mess.

Not knowing which direction to turn first.

I did have a good start to the week. 

I am not going to leave this post without sharing good things too.

I met with a curator for the yearly exhibition I am thankful for being invited to for the last 13 years. 

I was juried into it once again, and over the moon about that.

If that wasn't enough, the best part was that I got to show some work in person to the gallery and I will be in another exhibition in March! 

I am scrambling to make a lot more work between now and then.

That was a good thing.

So in between battling some serious self doubt, creative blocks and just straight up sadness I made something of interest. Something unique.

Now, if I can only stop making new diseases for my body!

My Cervix

****candid- real talk about exams****

 It is that time of year again...check under the hood and see how things are.

Like years prior I tried to make all the appointments in a week, so I could get them all done and then be done for a year...but that circles thing is still haunting me. I had my general checkup/in and to say that my primary wasn't happy with my answer to her : Are you happy? question is kind of an understatement. What did she really expect...I mean I think all of us have been run the fuck over these last two years. My response of "mediocre" was not received well and she offered no other options other than noting that she wanted me to take care of myself?! WTF

I was cleared and told that my cervix was too closed to do a proper pap and that I needed to have ANOTHER one done by the GYN department....as well as a stack of other orders for mammos and ultrasounds and follow-up bloodwork.

Meanwhile the gastro doctor needed me to REPEAT all the samples I had done two months ago because the lab didn't culture them all.

I went for my pap redo yesterday and aside from a single extremely pregnant woman in the waiting room, the other ladies in waiting all seemed unfazed and not pregnant.

I decided to have the NP that did my endo biopsy do this retry and she tried...and then asked for more things to try and do it. I was laying there flayed open with a speculum in place for longer that most of us would like, she proclaimed that more things were needed and rang for another woman in the office to fetch other devices to try and open my cervix enough to get cervical cells....after what felt like an entire construction site worth of devices she said she was not able to open the cervix enough.

She prescribed an estrogen suppository for me to take for a couple months in hope that would soften my cervix enough to take a proper pap. So she wants to try again in February. 

I felt defeated, and disappointed and after I got dressed, it also felt like I had been punched in my vagina. I have had some mild cramping too...but I am guessing that was from the clamp they put on my cervix while trying to get a cervical dilatator into me.

Today was my pelvic ultrasound...it was obvious when the ultrasound tech started to place the probe that there was a tissue tear in my vaginal wall from yesterday and then she said she could see where the NP tried to get into my cervix...in fact she said to expect spotting in the next couple of days as things looked poked. She told me that my ovaries are starting to get smaller too. I was thankful for the heads up and the repeated checking-in on me to see if I was alright and not uncomfortable. 

I left the appointment and sat in my car for a little cry, my vulva throbbing and aching.

It was a lot of things to process.

I am cooking tonight, feeling like I need to control something today...anything for that matter.

I was suppose to do a family photo shoot, but the family postponed and I am kind of grateful. It means I have some time to work through some feelings about this whole couple of days. I think I am going to soak in a tub tonight too, ideally it will help start some healing.

I know that a lot of my feelings are surfacing from my IF days, when I had most of the people from my county in my vagina, looking around and giving opinions. I can put on a mask, swallow pain, discomfort and make little jokes to deflect real feelings...but I am not so okay with doing that anymore. I am tired. I am tired of feeling like I am broken or unwell. This entrance into menopause is like taking a dive into a dark deep pool and no one tells you what the water temp is, what is in the pool or if you will sink or swim....because each of us sees that pool differently and so why tell you anything.

It has been a rough start to the week, I still have a breast ultrasound, and a follow-up with the gastro doc (who will be wondering why I am not sicker)

I am not wanting to complain, but really wonder if this is what to expect from here on out. Does anyone else have this experience? closed cervix with the onset of menopause, having to do paps over and over? How are you handling the beginnings of menopause, or perimenopause? 

Any advice or tips would be of great enlightenment.

Overgrown

 I've spent the last couple of weeks in online summits.

Art Summits mostly, ones I would have never been able to travel to pre-pandemic, so these online options allowed me to attend demo after discussion by many different artists and see studios all over the world and watch new processes and then rush, triple masked to the one art supply store 40+miles away and purchase new supplies with my squirreled away funds.

I have always loved school and these online events are perfect for the extreme introvert I have become.

I can sit and watch in silence or type questions from behind my on screen name or turn on my mic and ask questions. One of the best parts is that we are a whole community of introverts and socially awkward people all wanting to be together unseen and unbothered.

my people

I also popped into the Chasing Creation's Childless Collective Summit this week.

This was a summit over four days that was crazy organized, beautifully put together and filled with resources for the childless.

It was something I had wished for when I was at the start of my journey into finding who I am now.

I watched some of the recorded presentations and could not help but feel like, well it felt like I felt when I finally read Catcher in the Rye when I was 29...

I am too old of this...I have outgrown this part of me.

I was listening to lectures on navigating pain, 

dealing with conflict

making decisions about ending fertility treatments

Discovering who you are

finding ways to heal

finding a new path.

ALL FANTASTIC and interesting and I encourage you to check it out too...

but I kept saying to The Barren

" I feel like I am past all this now. I am entering menopause, I had to close that door years ago.

I guess I figured out this stuff on my own....I had to"

Time marches on regardless...we all gotta figure out if we want to keep walking or stand still.

In other "Deal with this news..."

Another couple quarantine babies are cooking in two yoga instructors. One appeared while I was in my weekly park yoga class, and seeing her so full with baby; made me want to pack up my mat and run/leave. I guess that part of me will never change. 

I feel like, I have walked into the wrong room and saw something that was forbidden...

It is a visceral reaction, and although I don't even know her, if I could hiss like a character from a bad vampire movie I would, 

before trotting off mumbling under my breath about how she was luminous and so lucky.

The Barren has gotten his first vaccine shot, as he qualifies under "underlying health conditions", I am still waiting my turn, and quite frankly...I am ok doing that. There are a lot of people who should get the shot before me and I recognize that. I also know people who have jumped the line and gotten one ahead of others. 
My parents get their second shot this Thursday and I am happy for them to get it and maybe resume a small social circle of chatting at farmers market with friends, or seeing movies in the theatre again.

My brother has so far decided to not get it, and that makes no sense to me, but I know a lot of people feel this way...so it really comes as no surprise.

2021 has been more like a 2020 version 2.0 for me, nothing surprises me anymore.

I seem to feel like noting can stick to me right now, 

stress washes over me way too easily and I spend evenings sleepless

I awake with panic attacks

I just deal with them...what else is there to do?

I am making things, eating greens, drinking water, meditating, bathing myself....

I am in a holding pattern for sure.

But somewhere, someplace inside, I feel like I'll be able to flee 

run away, and find new things to look at...

Alone with my rants

I think the isolation in starting to get to me.

I am sleepy a lot and not really feeling creative.

I have taken to making more masks. 

I had to stop last month because I made my neck spasm from looking down 

at the sewing machine and ironing board.

© The-Barreness.blogspot.com

When I finally stopped I had made close to 90 masks for family and friends.

This time I am breaking up the parts and so far it has protected my neck.

I am up to about 25

I am hoping to sell some...my other job is non-existent even after installing a remote desktop to try and capture anything that might fall through the cracks.

***

Silly rant to follow

***

I am cleaning/tidying up a lot too.

It seems to have totally fallen onto my shoulders.

I cook 90% of the meals, clean, do laundry and the shopping.

I think it is starting to become too much,

I test the waters every once in a while to see what would happen if I didn't stop in the studio and dinner time arrives...it arrives and then I am asked what I was thinking of making...and then I end up stopping and making and cleaning up dinner.

The Barren has taken to baking bread regularly and often I end up cleaning up after that too.

After dinner my dishes are collected and then I find them stacked on the counter, left for cleaning.

I clean them as I find a full sink in the morning massively distracting...

so I am trying to perform an act of kindness for myself.

I am not going to complain about it as I figure it would only leave to an argument and I don't want that energy in the house.

OK rant over...a rant about silly things!

***

-Second rant-

I went to pick up online orders for groceries yesterday. It was a warm day, and I was SHOCKED by how crowded the beach was, the streets were filled with people.

I mean I guess as Americans, just like all the memes I've seen:

we got tired of the virus, so it simply does not exists anymore.

As a rule follower, I am short circuited, by this.

I see new cases every day in my county, and there was a rise two weeks after Easter, and now I expect there to be another two weeks from now.

People have died locally, and still so so so so many people ignore the request to wear a mask.

It is still "suggested" that you wear one.

***

Onto Uterus news:

I made some gifts for two baby showers that are coming up.

I made them and then made sure to get them out of the house ASAP

I didn't mind making the burp cloths and printed onesies, 

but my gosh, I could not have them stay here.

Virtual baby showers!

I mean is this a new hell...??!!

I normally do not go to showers...that is my no-go line in the sand, but

The Barren RSVP'd that we would attend a virtual one...so I am going to a baby shower.

OMFG

I am thankful that it is just us in the home.

We have a small place and the idea that a kiddo would be here too pacing and trying to do school and be occupied is a scenario I can not imagine.

So in that regard, yeah for being Barren.

Also my period is 26 days late so far...

Aside from a pandemic, it appears that I have officially kicked open the peri-menopausal door

I feel a little shaky mentally

I am taking everything slowly...and methodically 

I guess I am grieving the loss of what was, and realizing that it will be a long time before I can go to art shows, or galleries or museums.

It will be a long time before things seem like a new normal.

Maybe it will never be a new normal.

I am just kind of lost for an anchor of okay.

My yoga studio is moving to streaming classes next week...

that might be closer to like being social kind of...

it all feels off.

I do hope you are all feeling less lost and shaky.