Forked

 

I'm exhausted

I have made it to the other side of the constant testing, I think.

The harrowing MRI turned out fine, nothing bad found, no new information.

So for the record, these MRI's are crappy ways to spend $100 at a time.

anyways, that part seems to be done.

I had my annual check in with my GP physician yesterday, I was assigned a new one.

When she entered the room she had a long list of notes on me as she had reviewed my record...kind of.

I spent most of the appointment watching her chart my current situation.

She asked a couple questions, I didn't have to have a pelvic because another department does those now and when she started telling me about my dense breasts, I told her I pay outta pocket for those ultrasounds too. I was overwhelmed...

I do know that at one point I said that "this was easier than my decade of infertility"

 Between you and me, I was still quite overwhelmed and feeling traumatized.

She stopped everything, looked at me, dead in the eyes and said:

Are you feeling underwater, do you feel like medication would help?

I was sort of taken aback, I think mostly by how close she was to my face, and the unblinking eye contact....but I said I don't think I am there yet.

She said things like: manage chronic illness and you are a menopausal woman 

If those weren't enough lovely gems from the visit she went on to tell me that she believes I have a secondary disease with my UC/Crohn's 

Hyperthyroidism.

She scheduled me for a bone density exam, I got a breast exam and then it was done.

I got dressed, got three shots and went to my car to cry, again!

I am spun...I am in a land I know, but all my markers are not familiar to me.

I go to all my appointments alone...I am not sure if a parent, lover or friend would have made this any better...but I know I am not okay.

In fact:

Stick a fork in me, I'm done.

So here I am a leftover, emotional mess.

Not knowing which direction to turn first.

I did have a good start to the week. 

I am not going to leave this post without sharing good things too.

I met with a curator for the yearly exhibition I am thankful for being invited to for the last 13 years. 

I was juried into it once again, and over the moon about that.

If that wasn't enough, the best part was that I got to show some work in person to the gallery and I will be in another exhibition in March! 

I am scrambling to make a lot more work between now and then.

That was a good thing.

So in between battling some serious self doubt, creative blocks and just straight up sadness I made something of interest. Something unique.

Now, if I can only stop making new diseases for my body!