Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Alone at night

Recently my dreams have been highly ramped up....masses of details and information has been pouring into my dream eyes and mind. I am not sure what it all means but I often find myself frustrated at m=not being able to remember all the littlest details when I wake. I have begun to say my dreams out loud the moment I wake up as a way to anchor them of sorts. Writing them down, doesn't work for me as I am blind as a bat and getting my glasses on awakens me to a new level and things begin to fall off the edges and fade rapidly. So now with my eyes still closed, I am reciting my dreams to the air above my head.

This morning I told hubby of the one I had last night.

"I was checking in on an older neighbor that lived next door and she would not speak, but I knew she was not well. She would convey her wellness in states of color, in clothing.
The more color the sicker she was feeling.
When I went to check on her, she opened the door in a rainbow banded Mexican style dress with vivid white, yellow, orange red and green cascading down to her bare feet. 
but her face was a pale green she was waving her arms at me and leaning to the side.
I ran to her door and entered her home, we were then in a far back bedroom where I could tell she was going to collapse. 
I grabbed her shoulders and felt the heat of a fever from her skin. 
She was suddenly small, very frail and she motioned for her dog to come to her. It was a dog I had given her for company. She was then a child and patting its back like an infant would do.
We both sat there and I could feel the fur of the dog on my hand and see its floppy ears silhouetted in the light coming thru the windows..
 I could tell she(the neighbor) was struggling to breathe, and I looked into her eyes and said 
" Rae we love you so very much, you are so so loved"
and with that I woke up.

I felt a longing when I awoke, but not a sadness.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Women's Health...get some!

I am a fan of "feeling healthy", heck I think we all need to be BIG fans of it.
I saw this trailer today and laughed out loud
We all have spent so much time in stirrups with tears running down our faces.
These stirrup scenes made me laugh. 
Happy Monday and go get some !!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

He was...

So for the last two years, my high school boyfriend has come thru town on business.
We get together for a couple hours and share a meal.
It's nice.

He sent an email last year and asked if we (hubby) and me could join him for dinner.
It ended up being just me...and it was fine but surreal.
We have remained friends and the spoken via emails thru the years...
We hadn't seen each other in person since my wedding in 2002.
Dinner was a strange combination of flashbacks and memories and giggly conversations.
We mostly reasserted that we would continue to be friends and that we had shared a really important time in our lives so it seemed stranger to simply not ever talk to each other.
Since my wedding he also had gotten married.
(I am thrilled for him, as I remember many calls where I was consoling him and letting him know that he was going to find a perfect person.
It was going to happen.
It did and since then he seems to be so so so happy.
That makes me happy too!
Even though he is an old boyfriend, more importantly he is a friend.)
We talked about his wife and their life and family...and I asked if they were thinking about becoming parents.
At this dinner, I also found out he never wanted kids.
I had never known that.
we dated for a year and a half!
I told him I was sorry; that I assumed he did since he came from such a big family.
Shame on me.
He laughed and said, that helped him decide he didn't want kids!
We laughed about that.

Last month I got an email saying he was in town again and could we do dinner.
This time hubby's work schedule allowed him to make it and so the three of us had dinner together. Surreal once again.
This time I sat between my husband and my old boyfriend in a U shaped booth.
I am gonna be honest; I was nervous getting ready for dinner, and when getting dressed I wanted to make sure I looked OK...not fat or thin or tired or crazy.
Hubby found this quite funny.
When he arrived I had forgotten how tall he was and that lead to a bunch more flashbacks to events shared, conversations, and what it was like to be a teenager with him.
This quickly shifted to a checklist in my head.

As I sat there and shared pleasant, benign conversation about work, parents, family...
I started to wonder what my life would have been like with him.
I listened as I heard him tell me what he enjoys doing on the weekends and time off
what he and his wife hope for and share.
Nothing matched with my interests

Our story was just the classic teenage romance-
meets high school graduation -
meets I want to find myself.
poor guy, I was too independent/free spirited for him.
We learned a lot along the way.

I realised as we left and I was still in a daze- and forgot my leftovers on the restaurant table...
I think we were meant to share just that time in our lives, and not much more then
simply catching up and checking in with each other now.
I would be heartbroken if we never spoke again, but as my hubby said as we drove away.
" It was so clear that there was no spark left between you too"
He was a great boyfriend

Tuesday, August 09, 2011

Tuesdays Inspiration

I was moved when I heard this story on NPR this morning.
I was humbled and inspired when I learned the route she traveled....

She has just received her 10th degree

Thursday, August 04, 2011

I am a wanderer

I am feeling sort of shifty, not really here or there.
I am making packets for proposals, but don't really seem focused.
This of course starts a spiral into self loathing and personal attacks.
Earlier this week, I was invited to get some drinks with past co-workers.
I said maybe and really thought I would go.
As the day approached, I began having panic attacks.
I was flashing back to when I first learned of our infertility.
It all happened while I was holding down that job...all the "stat" appointments and tests
the visits to the ER and the arms full of bruises.
The tears and sudden need to to leave work.
All the stress and memories flooded back and I was suddenly having little movies of moments there.
All the bad moments, shared with these people...and it left me horribly uncomfortable.
On the day of the event, I lied and said I had mixed up work schedules and couldn't make it.
I felt badly for bowing out, but in many ways it felt like I needed to take this stand.
I am working so so hard on feeling whole again, and the collection of these people make me remember when I was not a whole person. So I walked away.
I got a text from someone that attended that simply said "you are missed"
I am sure it was from The Barreness