Like it was no big deal

So we had an earthquake this morning.

As a native Californian I have ridden a few out.

My mom tells the story that when I was a baby 

there was a really big quake and it rocked me back to sleep in my crib.

I am no stranger to quakes.

In 1990's there were a couple big bad ones that I was privy too...

one had me rush out of a bathroom in a restaurant because the walls were bowing.

The second was so big, it cracked my grandmothers apartment building and my mother and I drove in to be with her and return to her blackened home for some valuables as the aftershocks kept rattling it, it was like being in a bouncy house but the house was a 3 story apartment building.

(I do not recommend this and my mother does not always make the best decisions)

I think there were 10+ aftershocks that day....

This mornings earth movement was mild compared to those.

It has rattled a lot of people near the epicenter and 

there are no serious injuries reported which is great!

I was on the phone with a cousin who lives in Mexico and said

" oh we are having a quake"

the line was silent 

and then I said "it is still rolling but we are fine."

that is how caviler I can be when I identify the type of quake.

it rolled for 20 seconds.

the plants swayed, the coo coo clock chains swayed the cat paced up and down the hallway...

then it was settled.

No need to take cover, no bowed walls or cracked foundation or turning off the gas.

I have not felt any aftershocks.

We are about 200 miles away from the epicenter so that comes as no surprise.

As soon as it stopped I got a call from a friend who lives around the corner

frantic and panicked and out of sorts and firing rapid questions my way

she is from Florida, so is not prepared for earth movement:

" OMG what was that !

is there a Tsunami warning

where do we go if there is one

I don't like those

I am shaking

What should I do

what is the protocol

hubby is just sitting here like it is no big deal "

I tried REALLY hard to not laugh and assured her that what she just felt was a 

MELLOW experience for an earthquake and that she was safe

Normally you brace yourself in a doorway

DO NOT run outside

wait for the shaking to stop than go about your day.

If there was a Tsunami warning out cell phones would siren

and that street across from your house is taller that your house...

go up there if there is a warning.

stay away from windows and anything that could fall on you

BTW your house is a single story...

the safest kind

you are in the safest house for an earthquake...

you are safe and laugh it off.

(I think I said safe a million times to try and soothe her)

She thanked me and hung up

I checked on her two hours later and she said she was still shaking.

She takes her time processing things I guess...

I laughed a bit while making breakfast

it was alright...I could not do anything to prevent it

we were together and safe

it was over

just a normal California day as far as I was concerned.

 Happy Thursday!

I am going to make some 4th of July tacos now

a little laugh

Mothering myself

With Mother's Day around the corner here in the US, I am on guard.

I am occupying myself with other busy work and distractions....

but I found myself alone and in front of the mothers day cards the other day while running errands. 

I suddenly felt myself OK making this a safe place for me, alone in the middle of the day on the card aisle staring at what appeared to be a football field long row of cards. 

Thankfully I am OK reading them when there isn't someone breathing over my shoulder 

or reaching for other cards from each of my sides.

I call that progress....

FYI, I also do this task now, a couple weeks ahead of the date...so that I feel as though I stumbled on idea of getting cards for my SIL and mom, without the pressure build up of this day.

Like, oh yeah, I need dish soap, thank goodness I passed it here in the store to remind myself...

kind of stumbled...I guess my version of nonchalant

My mood was lifted when I found this perfect card

It broke my serious mood

It broke my melancholy mood

It made me laugh at the perfect balance of sarcasm and candor:

ignore my punk rock nail polish and bath in the glory of this card 😊

I ended up with a different sarcastic card for my mom...but this one holds my heart.

Random Encounters

I was feeling blue today, rough start to the day perhaps or just a flood of feelings...regardless I took a moment and said to myself 

" you gotta change this"

so I started doing things that my therapist use to call "Chopping wood and carrying water"

movement through sorrow...the key is to move, both literally and mentally.

We have a bunch of money paperwork in our bedroom, 

it is bad Feng Shui

so I decided to tackle that and get it out of our bedroom and stored somewhere more appropriate.

I made a list of things I needed and headed out to the 99cent store for office supplies.

I was cruising the aisles and turned the corner to encounter a man that was 

about 400 pounds and 6 foot 2

holding two pairs of hedge trimmers.

He said that " this is what you do to your husband" 

I responded that I loved him too much to hurt him.

I guess that opened the door for his unsolicited advice on how to reach the divine.

I was to call them forth by simply calling their name three times while touching acupressure points on my face and breathing in a certain pattern and they would manifest 

( I could only think about Beetlejuice at this point )

He then continued to tell me how I could radically change my life with his processes and that he had cured addicts with this breathing and meditation techniques.

He then reached into his pocket on his shorts and pulled the top card off a stack of business cards and told me to go to the website and watch all the videos and read all the information there.

I in turn was taking this opportunity to listen

be present 

watch his hands and my enviroment

and remember that sometimes people just need to talk to someone.

I then said about four times

thank you for the information 

It could make for a very enjoyable weekend.

(with no intent of looking up the website, 

because in my mind I was sure it would have a virus or some creepy spyware.

I try to be kind- but not stupid)

As I was walking away he asked if I had children

I giggled under my breath

I said no

He then said that was good, because " kids these days are nothing but trouble"

I told him I had still had hope for them

at that, he asked if I knew where the superglue was.

It got me out of my mood.

It also kept me on my toes, and I was making note of where he was and making sure he wasn't watching me or following me.

That part sucked the most. 

Mondayssssss for days

I needed a little pick me up

so I thought I would pass it along to 

you magical wonderful loveies

Keep on going

I saw this today and it reminded me that I need to post something soon....

so here is a place marker

Wordless Wednesday

Source

Working on the railroad

I have been working on me

Trying to figure out what makes me tick: what makes me mad

and what makes me happy?!

you know, nothing deep or anything.

I have found myself looking through old photographs and re-remembering what I was thinking,
how I was feeling in a way trying to gauge if I have grown at all?

I am looking at little parts of my life.
Mental health, how I deal with situations, or not deal with situations.
Am I sleeping better or worse
Am I thinking better or worse.
What I have figured out so far
is that I've gone to over 330 classes 

this is the most devoted/dedicated/addicted I have been about any extra curricular activity in my WHOLE life. On the flip side,

I am learning to be OK with taking a day off here and there:

sometimes that 4am alarm is just too much

 I find that when I go back after a day or two off, I have a renewed sense of desire, drive or insight into why I go. I say good morning to several people now and when class is over I am thankful that I have spent the energy in class and for myself.

I am happy to announce that two publication have contacted me and will be publishing a piece of art in each of their publications. I wish it meant that I got a check to at least reimburse me for the monies put out, but the hard reality is that it doesn't. I will get a "by" line and a little snippet about who I am published in the books/zines and then it will be out in the universe for all the internet eternity.

My big hope is that it will vibrate back in a bigger better way for us.

I am pinning some hopes on that.

Onto baby things:

My friend with the new baby texted to say that she hadn't seen me in a while and asked if I wanted to come over. The Barren and I stopped by for a quick moment on the way to get some grub. I brought over some cat costumes as options for her kid to wear this Halloween. When we walked in she gave me a hug asked how I was and then said "do you want to hold him?" I looked at the perfectly content baby who was looking at himself in the mirror next to his crib and said " he looks so engaged, and so content. Not right now" I think the fact that I have yet to hold her baby is freaking her out. Some parts of me want to be the peacemaker and just hold him to get it over with, while a majority of me doesn't feel compelled to pick him up, so why force myself.

I think this will be a struggle for a little bit longer.

for both of us

Meanwhile, another woman from class asked if I wanted to go to tea after class to learn a little more about each other.
She had come into class last week and crouched down beside me before the session started and declared that women with children are crazy, and aren't we glad we didn't have any!

I listened to what she was saying and then told her that 

I was actually childless by circumstance not by choice. 

We had actually tried to create a family for 8years, 

but now I am working on my "do-over" portion of life.

She was quiet and unsure what to do, so we just did yoga after that.

At tea the following week, it was a strange conversation about how she was financially secure and successful, able to live where ever she wants because she made sacrifices and tough choices when she was younger. She is not sentimental about things and will be traveling for the next couple of months until just before Christmas and then she'll be around for another few months.

I should join her for coffee again.

It was strange, but I am glad I went for some reason.

I guess I am growing and changing.

I am often afraid for stagnation, but after thinking this all out here

it looks like a am really growing

but not growing up thank goodness:

yes, cosmic kitty yoga pants
I am that girl
I am that mature

I have a problem

* I ramble again but I think you can find some enjoyment 

amongst the words and photos*

OK it started with this dress...

well actually this one:

same style but with a different flower pattern

I got these off an online bidding site...I had to alter the darker ones sleeves, as I have broad shoulders and so the little elastic bands in the sleeves drove me nuts, so I removed them and now the sleeves don't pucker and make wearing it a bit more comfy.

Then I got the butterfly dress...and I mean how could I not get a dress with butterflies on it?! and it was not overtly "girlie" and an olive color works well with my pale, pale skin.

Turns out those little sleeves were cut into my arms just above the pits...so I took them off and re-hemmed making it a sleeveless number. It has a PLUNGING neckline, which is new for me, but it arrived quickly and was timed perfectly as I had just gotten

 my annual mammo and breast ultrasound and got word all looks good, so I looked at it as a great way to celebrate that I get to keep my breasts for another year.

Last couple of years have been hard watching and learning that so many of my girlfriends were loosing their breasts and lives to breast cancer, so the annual mammo has caused me rethink how I look at my annual exam. Once that letter comes that all is good, it is a celebration of breasts.

Then a series of babies were/are expected so I dove back into the sites and got the 

"totally 80's" dress with dolman sleeves.

I most likely would have worn this in Jr. high school had I had my druthers...but being 45 is just as good, plus it fits perfect and I love how it references my art with its graphic contrast design.

Then this last week I found this lovely blue puppy...contrasting patterns and sleeveless design (no sleeves to remove or struggle with), it was easy to see that I needed to add this one to the options.

I tend to buy dresses when I get stressed it seems...or when I am trying to avoid something or when I want to feel something bigger than that moment.

I have been working these last two weeks on a project that is HUGE, and I am doing it in collaboration with three other ladies. It is unpaid for the time being, and there is a lot of work for me to do (in fact I am avoiding some of it now) but the promise of a bright future is there and I am appreciated for the work I am doing. All that said, it is very stressful, and then there was some fun vagina issues that reoccurred and made for another stressful week...and then there is my second job that is always a crap-shoot of stress and tension and new experiences. So I have been under some real tension and that mixed with babies and artwork being made, but not leaving my bossom coupled with The Barren traveling a lot for work and me coming into a thick time of year for the second job...and the home aging and us looking at the reality of needing new appliances and home upgrades to maintain our property value...and gallery season is around the corner....all this grown up stuff sucks, so I retreat into dresses.

I guess it could be worse and I go to cocaine or something.

I took the niece and nephew to get a few things for school this past week too. I had never done this before. Their parents needed a little help this year with clothes and shoes so we were happy to pitch in where we could.
My 8 year old nephew spent a total of 10 minutes shopping before claiming that he was done.
We were able to secure four shirts, two pair of pants, and a pack of socks before he slid under the shirt display and claimed he was hungry.
It was great...he pointed to the pictures in the advertisements of what he wanted, we grabbed them, paid and left to fill his belly with a mall pretzel.
His 11 yr old sister spent the morning making a list of items she wanted to add to her must have list, we walked into the store, she wanted everything she saw and I helped cull the crazed load of clothes to try on...then we came to the training bras...she said she needed another.
WE PICKED OUT A BRA!!!
I sat outside the dressing room trying to digest this milestone and trying to remember how old I was when I got mine. She asked what the padding was for...I told her that sometimes your nipples get really hard when it is a little cold and it feels better to have a little something to protect you from rubbing, she said she understood and said that it was super comfy.

Her main piece of clothing was a pair of denim overalls!
When I heard she wanted a pair, my heart almost exploded and I texted my bestie when she was trying them on....My bestie replied...those genes run deep!
(I wore stripped overalls (train engineer style, through most of college, and still have them tucked in the closet with paint stains well entwined into the fabric)
When she emerged from the dressing room all I heard running through my mind was
"Come on Eileen"

This was her first time out of leggings,
so she was trying to get use to the pants not clinging to her body.
She wanted to live in the outfit...it was awesome to witness her coming into her own self.

I guess we are both going through puberty together
she is entering it and I seem to be rediscovering it.

Still breathing

I am still here, just under a lot of thoughts and projects...

I will post soon, but until then, here is a gem for the start of the week:

wordless Wednesday

I've got loads to say....

but for now, here is a pretty boy and a yoga mat

and it continues....

After reading another rejection letter today 

I stumbled on this and it made me laugh at myself...

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, hiding from Father's day or celebrating yourselves!

Tuesday thoughts....in pictures

How Do You Calculate Your 

Contentment as an Artist?

by Lauren Purje

funny for today

Really....

I saw this in the morning news stroll I do and it made me laugh out loud!

http://ktla.com/2015/04/15/mom-receives-angry-letter-from-friends-fed-up-with-constant-facebook-posts-about-her-baby/

Kitty Cats View

Exciting day of window watching today, 

new slurry being poured

My apparent Achilles heel

Friday morning is a wild one.

My teacher on Friday is a guy who really loves 80's music.

He makes his own mixes and is a former gym rat so there is often some random cardio thing thrown into the normal rotation of salutations and poses.

Most mornings I giggle to myself remembering where I was or what life was like when I hear the songs. Mostly Jr High and High school...torment!!

The songs are often heavy on emotion and fluffy, ya know a good 80's John Hughes film kind of thing.

Last week he threw in a vintage Michael Jackson song:

http://youtu.be/yURRmWtbTbo?list=PL6F87DB8C3DF6BC47

I was amused and glad to hear an old school MJ song that I remember from childhood. 

I smiled during the flow and nodded my head, tapped my hands.

This morning though, this morning was different.

I got to class early, had a little small talk with the teacher about this cool article I saw, and sat in the room before class to warm up with the room.

I was breathing and thinking about how sleepy I still was, but was here to do my best.

I don't have to be good at it, I just have to do.

The class filled up, each of us in our places and we started the warm up...the music started and I felt a twitch. Then I started to smile...and I lost count of my breath.

What was happening?!

Over the speaker system was this song and then the dance mix of this song followed

Before I could do anything, she burst forth....

he had found my apparent Achilles heel and my inner 13 year old self could not contain her joy and glee and as I pressed into my down-dog she began to sing along with the music!!

She knew all the words and dance moves.

How embarrassing, she was totally embarrassing me....

I could see her dancing around the room to the song and singing to herself in her bedroom mirror.

I checked my reflection and although I was only mouthing the words 

 my inner teenager was making a scene ....

finally I just let her play 

Why was I trying to stop her?

I watched her set free her joy and it was amazing

Just because

Just because

source

On my way back

Working on the theme of Unicorns....

I scoured the internets for inspiration.

I am distracted....

I am trying to carve a very complex piece and need to take breaks as my brain filled head is heavy and hours of bending over and clutching a sharp tool that I am making small precise cuts with takes a toll. 

SO... I am here to let you know that I am on the way back from the brink...it has been a rough wild weird week....so why end it there right?!

enjoy the peek inside my brain right now...

Wordless Wednesday

There are no words for this....just smiles!
Happy Wednesday lovely ladies