Random Encounters

I was feeling blue today, rough start to the day perhaps or just a flood of feelings...regardless I took a moment and said to myself 

" you gotta change this"

so I started doing things that my therapist use to call "Chopping wood and carrying water"

movement through sorrow...the key is to move, both literally and mentally.

We have a bunch of money paperwork in our bedroom, 

it is bad Feng Shui

so I decided to tackle that and get it out of our bedroom and stored somewhere more appropriate.

I made a list of things I needed and headed out to the 99cent store for office supplies.

I was cruising the aisles and turned the corner to encounter a man that was 

about 400 pounds and 6 foot 2

holding two pairs of hedge trimmers.

He said that " this is what you do to your husband" 

I responded that I loved him too much to hurt him.

I guess that opened the door for his unsolicited advice on how to reach the divine.

I was to call them forth by simply calling their name three times while touching acupressure points on my face and breathing in a certain pattern and they would manifest 

( I could only think about Beetlejuice at this point )

He then continued to tell me how I could radically change my life with his processes and that he had cured addicts with this breathing and meditation techniques.

He then reached into his pocket on his shorts and pulled the top card off a stack of business cards and told me to go to the website and watch all the videos and read all the information there.

I in turn was taking this opportunity to listen

be present 

watch his hands and my enviroment

and remember that sometimes people just need to talk to someone.

I then said about four times

thank you for the information 

It could make for a very enjoyable weekend.

(with no intent of looking up the website, 

because in my mind I was sure it would have a virus or some creepy spyware.

I try to be kind- but not stupid)

As I was walking away he asked if I had children

I giggled under my breath

I said no

He then said that was good, because " kids these days are nothing but trouble"

I told him I had still had hope for them

at that, he asked if I knew where the superglue was.

It got me out of my mood.

It also kept me on my toes, and I was making note of where he was and making sure he wasn't watching me or following me.

That part sucked the most. 

Day 24-The End

91% containment

Nothing will make you feel like more of an adult than dealing with an insurance adjuster. 

The saga has ended now...no more fire helicopters or sirens.

This transition has left me feeling like

I tripped and landed hard into this new reality, suddenly it is all over.

It felt similar when we realized that parenthood was not in our future or lives.

It was a bumpy transition and left me grumpy and relieved and confused.

We have a home, for that I am deeply grateful...and confused still as to how or why our home was spared...but it is time to remove the plastic from all the doors and windows.

The air purifiers are still running, I think now as a security blanket for us.

I finally put the items away that we had taken after coming back on the day after evacuation.

The forgotten precious things:

My wedding ring, a family painting from the 1800's...a photo of our wedding.

This whole process has been scary, humbling and enlightening.  

the hillside across the street as we were evacuating, left and right side obscured by trees
(taken while driving away from our home)

across the street-two days ago

Not only have we been dealing with constant fire and evacuation dreams (I figure this is happening because I was woken from slumber when we got the call to leave immediately)

but The Barren has gotten chest illnesses.

The Barren has been to the walk-in clinic two weekends in a row after since the fire started.

The first visit confirmed walking pneumonia and the second confirmed a secondary bronchial irritation from the smoke and particulates.

We had both been coughing and got stuffy noses after we left...and have been wearing particle masks by day three, but that was not enough to protect us from the constant rain of ash, dust and smoke...

so much smoke.

Now we are to adjust to this new reality.

700 homes lost in our town

so many people have been touched by this fire.

Everyone has a story of the night they had to leave.

I am most touched by the stories that keep coming to light, the good in this town...

the stuff that makes you cry from being so deeply touched in the heart:

* A call went out from a family who lost their home, that they wanted to bring their dog home from the animal evacuation shelter but the fence in the home they were staying in was a little wonky and they didn't have a hammer to fix it. There was someone at their door within ten minutes.

* The fact that donations and volunteers were asked to be halted as there was too much! They had all they could use and then some.

* The firefighters asking to stop giving them food and donations, they had too much

* The local man who didn't know what to do, so he made sifters for people who lost their homes...to help them find precious items that survived

My favorite quote from a local evacuation site for livestock: 

" Don't let that emu out, he is a real asshole and super hard to catch "

Everyone has been gentle with everyone...I see more hugging and listening.

I am finally able to get back to my practice too.

I found that not only had the stress taken a toll on me mentally, but physically.

I was not able to practice as the air quality was horrible for breathing 

and unsafe for teachers to get to the studio.

I was also unable to travel to the town to practice because of the fire activity.

I missed my quiet community of toe touchers.

Home practice is not the same, at least for me...

So here I am trying to adjust, working on readjusting...feeling quiet still

and watching The Barren like a hawk.

I think I will peel a window open today....I am feeling hopeful.

Happy Birthday Lefty!

5 years ago I took a test that saved my ovary!

I celebrate that day as a new birthday for my ovary ever since.

Today is my left ovaries birthday.

I have had several new cycles with her and she has not decided to grow anything new!

I am thankful for that 

Here is to lefty

formally Quasimodo

I am looking to celebrate many more healthy birthdays with you ⭐

Triggered

" I can not imagine what these people are going through. 

It is mostly the packers on the floor, almost all women"

A dear friend has organized a shipment to her company's packing plant just outside Houston.

She put a call out for supplies and she would ship them tomorrow.

So a bunch of us have gathered things and

 have been dropping them off at her door, since last night.

I went out this morning and got two huge bags of supplies.

Soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, pads, baby wipes, dog leashes and harnesses, and socks.

I felt a deep trigger when I grabbed multiple packs of little kid and baby socks.

I almost didn't include them but then let the sorrow wash over me and went deeper and 

thought of the parents that just want dry socks on their kids feet.

Natural disasters like the ones we are experiencing are hard to process.

They leave us feeling so fragile and helpless.

I made a donation to a local animal shelter too...so many animals have been impacted too!

Then there is the flooding in India and Nepal and I am lost again.

I sent a text to The Barren:

" I feel so emotionally spent, I need to calm down and focus "

So, I came here.

I feel like a puddle of myself.

How do you process so much grief around you and inside yourself as well?

Cycles

The proceeds from this t-shirt help provide menstrual hygiene kits to people experiencing homelessness

I only get my period four times a year now.

It is part of the agreed plan to control my endometriosis, fibroids and cysts. 

It has been working well, and retarding growth on the current fibroids and any creation of new ones.

It has also allowed me to keep my uterus instead of having the suggested hysterectomy.

At first I thought it was like being neutered; taking away something so sacred as a monthly cycle.  The monthly pain left me unable to stand upright, or eat or sleep, so the idea became a welcome retreat from pain and in many ways a space to grieve my lost fertility.

I had to walk away from my efforts twice in 8 years of trying to make a family. 

When I first went off the monthly pill to dive into the pool of trying, I was almost immediately faced with a wall of pain and only after half a year was I able to advocate for further testing which first revealed my fibroids and the sudden growth had me at an oncologist. 

Back on the pill to shrink them and try to give me a window to try to get pregnant again.

The second dive into the pool had me in the ER and multiple trips to the doctor to find answers to the miscarriages. Suddenly 8 years passed and it was too much loss and too much pain to live.

I went back onto the pill after my removal of a large chocolate cyst, and an ovarian cancer scare;

that confirmed my stage 4 endo that had head-locked my ovary behind my uterus, a septum in my uterus and calcified fibroids.

The road was shut.

I grieved and celebrated this information at the same time.

I did nothing wrong in my efforts to get pregnant, but my body that I had lovingly cared, for had decided that no child shall survive in me.

Now 5 years later, I am facing a new kind of knowledge.

My periods which only come quarterly,  will eventually stop coming all together.

I am prepared to grieve that as well.

a bitter sweet party

I have my period now, I have always been a full moon bleeder.

I guess I am a druid that way, an earthy girl, a wolf woman.

I can now not have to decide if the pain is bad enough to need to go to the ER, 

instead I can sit on the couch or sleep away the mood and aches.

Still honoring the need to take care of this body.

My period arrived later than normal this cycle, and for the first time in a LONG time, 

my mind did not go to the "maybe I'm pregnant" thought...

in fact it never even entered my mind.

Instead I thought, soon there will be no more.

Boring Thankful Thursday

Once again it has been a while since I have felt compelled to write here...I read your blogs and comment when I am moved to....but I haven't felt the need to blog here. 

I am not sure why.

Distractions...that is what I will blame it on.

I have been battling a sour stomach for months now

...and I finally got tired of taking antacids and waking in the middle of the night from burning pain and so I went to the doctor.

She pushed here and there, asked what I was eating and I listed my boring list of food.

I listed my boring list of vitamins and supplements and she nodded.

I was not eating any "trigger food"

I was simply suffering all the effects of gastritis but there were tests that could be done.

So I did them,

including a long ultrasound session to examine my internal organs.

As the ultrasound technician moved the paddle slathered in ultrasound jelly over my belly...

she gave me the scenic view complete with narrative.

 (I love this about her, she lets you know, without telling you, what she sees and doesn't see)

She showed me half my heart, I waved and said "hello heart".

Then on to the big guns: my liver and gall bladder and kidneys

She made comments like, boy these are boring nothing interesting here...

see if you had a fatty liver they would be different colors...

and these veins are hard to find when healthy...where are they?!

She made me giggle, even though I was so hungry and my stomach acid was almost unbearable.

All the results came in that I didn't have a super scary bacteria that causes ulcers and stomach cancers, and I had healthy organs.

All signs pointed back to gastritis.

I have since, reduced/eliminated my facebook time, and news time and social activism time.

I am stressed out...I am overwhelmed

I am feeling all of the responsibility of everything and for everyone...

I needed to step back.

I am blind in many ways...and it is because I need to take care of me.

It is not ideal, but I am finding that it is really important....so I grudgingly have submitted to it.

Ignorance is not bliss, but it is slowly reducing my stress and ideally reducing my longest and latest flareup episode for gastritis.

I am eating miso and soba noodles, no raw veggies (so strange!) and eating very small bits of food all day long...very slowly! 

Most of my submission art is for fundraising, donated work...although I could really use some funds in the coffee can, this is my happy medium. Finding a stress free way to help others...quietly.

I still do my yoga practice three times a week and it is hard to believe that I am rounding into FOUR years of this!!

 It is the longest and most I have ever stuck to some sort of social physical thing!

 this is truly crazy!!

I learned a new mudra 

( A mudra (/muˈdrɑː/; Sanskrit मुद्रा, "seal", "mark", or "gesture"; Tibetan: ཕྱག་རྒྱ་ THL chakgya) is a symbolic or ritual gesture in Hinduism and Buddhism. While some mudras involve the entire body, most are performed with the hands and fingers.)  the yellow one:

Your Solar Plexus (Manipura) Chakra is the third Chakra located in your abdomen, above your belly button. It is the energy center responsible for personal power, self-esteem and confidence.

I have been using it while meditating as it seemed quite fitting for

 both infertility and my current situation. 

My meditation only last a few moments....I

 have a monkey mind (constantly going, never really still) 

so I do little sessions when I can....it helps too.

So I am finding that I am boring right now....

I am seeking adventure, but it seems I need to do a few boring things first, 

like laundry and eat miso soup.

Thankful Thursday

Yesterday I continued a tradition that was started many many many years ago

 and went almost forgotten until recently.

I introduced my niece to yoga.

My Aunt introduced me to her yoga practice many moons ago when I was 10 years old.

I mostly remember falling asleep on the living room floor.

That gently blossomed into me finding yoga again in college and then 

practicing in Nepal and then again before I was married

and as a newlywed.

Then it fell away until three years ago and now I don't think I will forsake it again.

I introduced my nephew first...we do yoga (a few poses) when he spends the night, 

before he plays video games and when we go for exploration walks.

Yesterday as part of my nieces "graduation to Jr. High" school gift, 

we attended a class together.

She is 12 and now old enough to attend a level 1 class with an adult.

(I was that adult, hahaha)

I picked her up and asked if she was excited about it or nervous.

She said she was both, I told her I was too, so we could be beginners together.

We arrived early so we could get her signed into class.

She signed the forms in big round letters that spelt out her first name

 and only the first initial for her last name,

thus beginning her week of free yoga.

I showed her the locker room 

(part of my plan was to introduce her to a locker room before starting Jr High school)

I gave her a tour of the changing area,I showed her where the hair bands were, the q-tips and lotions. I pointed out that there were tampons on the backside of the toilet, in case someone got their period.

Hairdryers and kleenex all for use.

She picked out our locker, we stored our clean clothes for after class and headed to the studio to wait for the class to begin.

We chatted a little before the teacher showed up and watched all the other people arrive into class.

She followed along, exploring the quiet moments, and watching me for pose ques.

It was surreal for me...this little girl was becoming a teenager before my vary eyes.

We compared how sweaty we got...smiled at each other and did yoga!

After class, she was in a good mood and we headed back to the locker room.

There were women in various states of undress...

I told her I was going to take a shower, and asked if she wanted to as well...

she opted out (which I expected) and I gave her the key to the locker and told her which shower I was in and to meet back at the locker when she was done changing. 

She changed in a toilet stall.

I only freaked out a little when the locker room got really quiet when I was rinsing off...and I wanted to call out her name to see if she was still there...but decided that I was going to treat her like a grown up and let her be. 

She was on the bench next to the locker on her ipod when I walked over from the shower.

I got dressed and asked what she was doing and if she felt okay after class.

We thanked the teacher after class and walked to get her a smoothie....

As we were returning to the car I turned and saw this...

I had my camera on the wrong setting, but you get the idea:

It is happening!

I throw my hands in the air

I'm walking away

I love my parents.

I am close with them and thankful that they are here.

But sometimes...I don't like what they do

How they make me feel and that more often these days I think about how they will not be here forever.

I got a call from my mother at work this morning:

"Hi I am at the ER with our father. He had me take him here because he couldn't catch his breath"

I asked if I could come and sit with her while she waited with him for test results.

She said yes, so I packed up and left.

I met her in the waiting room and then we went into the bay my father was resting in.

They were waiting on the results of a CT scan to see if he had a blood clot in his lungs.

He was whacked out on Ativan and quite comfy and mellow.

He drives a lot for his job. Often sitting most of the day.

So checking for a blood clot made sense.

He has had a portion of his spine surgically fused due to deterioration and sometimes he swims...but for the most part my father likes to sit, eat really processed food, 

and not do much else if given the opportunity.

He has never been an exerciser, and thanks to pharmaceuticals, he can eat what he wants,
as the medicines do the hard work for him.

I sat and kept my mother company while he slept, the doctor finally came in with the results and said:

we did two EKG's and they are clear

We did blood work that looked for clots in your legs, and that is clear

We did a CT scan and that is clear of clots too

You didn't have a heart attack

so all tests look normal and clear

I think you might have had a panic attack, and I am prescribing a limited amount of pills for you to use when you feel the same symptoms again.

I do recommend that you don't drive long distances alone for the next few days

and I recommend a stress test to make sure all is clear and we have looked at everything.

I want you to run on a tread mill

( I saw my father go from happy to mad)

I asked the doctor if my father was clear to drive as a passenger this weekend for a work related event in a town three hours away, he said 

" Um, he is probably fine, but I would wait until the stress test results come in 

to do anything like that"

My mother was on the phone right away to the doctors office to schedule the test...

My father looked mad, 

I asked him what was going on, what you thinking about:

"I don't want to run"

I smiled and said, " well, that is not an option now"

I picked up the anti-freak out meds, while my mother took him home.

When I met them there, he was acting like nothing had just happened.

My mother was making french toast for him and he was looking at the bottle of pills. 

I told him that they were for easing the same symptoms he had before,
not to be taken for recreational use.

He said he was fine now.

I told him, you can't just shove it off, it was serious enough a moment ago, and that just doesn't go away. You need to take the doctors order seriously.

He said that they were still going on the business weekend away trip. I told him again what the doctor said and he said he was going.

I ate lunch with them (as they ate breakfast) and I said goodbye

I had said what I could, repeated doctors orders

and he probably will be fine if my mother drives...but FUCK

why do the rules not apply to him?!

I drove home and passed out/crashed on the bed for an hour

I still think I have PTSD from when my mother went into the hospital
I canceled plans for tonight and instead am watching TV and working this whole thing out here.

I have to walk away for my own mental health.
I have to realize that he is going to do whatever he damn well pleases and if (heaven forbid) something goes wrong he will blame someone or something other than himself.
I have to understand, I can not make everything OK all the time

Thankful Thursday-Personal Goals

OK I am first to admit my personal goals are sometimes small and seem REALLY silly,

BUT

Today I met a personal goal.

I am in the middle of my period week, 

usually a day I am laid up and under the influence of a pain pill and bad television. 

Instead this morning, I got up and went to yoga.

It turned out that we had a substitute and it was a really challenging class, and I made it through.

I was in no pain, panting yes, but I didn't bleed out of my clothes and in fact I feel pretty darn alright!

I was even able to do a real version of this pose....

it has taken about a year and a half...and I might have been a little closer to the floor.....

but

my string bean arms are learning that I mean business and I want to be able to do a real push up. 

HELL YEAH!!

yoga love

I know that it looks like no big deal, but I am someone who has NEVER been able to do a push-up or pull-up so this turns out to be a BIG deal for me.

I am also happy to report that The Barren is still at it...

he is in his second week of running and I am so so so proud of him! 

I am reclaiming my body, I am dropping the protective layers I had built for so many years!

I am fine, I am whole...and getting stronger everyday.

Even when I feel unstable or unsure, I am growing stronger and more sure.

My feet are firmly planted on the ground.

10 years ago today, our goddaughter was born, and I attended the birth.

Watching her take her first breath, 

while trying to breath between my own mind-numbing menstrual pain.

three days later I was in the ER with a 10mm corpus luteum and a doctor asking us if we were done making babies. Our goddaughter had always been a marker of the start of the downfall.

 Last night we gave her a gift and listened to her tell us her birthday plans.

I was not remembering the pain or the sorrow...

I was lost in her joy.

We are slowing looking at other versions of ourselves. 

We are trying new things with our bodies and re-thinking our self-imposed restrictions.

This weekend is the anniversary of the day we asked each other to marry each other.

I am so thankful that my vision was so clear to ask The Barren to marry me.

I am so thankful that we are taking this journey together.

I am so thankful that we are each others cheerleaders.

I am so thankful

Thankful...beyond these little words

When my brother called me this last weekend he started by saying: So I just came back from the ER

I said what? you are joking right?

He said no and his voice began to crack...

this is the text I sent to my bestest:

Noon today: gunpowder flash, 8-10ft fireball, brother dropped and rolled, 

then drove himself to the ER.

Second degree burns, no damage to his eye, he sees the burn specialist tomorrow

When he started to describe what had happened, I blurted out : I am soooo thankful that you are calling.

then I went deaf, and I think my heart stopped...he needed to take another call at the same time 

and I asked him to call me back.

He called back and as telling me the details be began to cry and tell me how silly it was...and there is soooo much work and now he couldn't do any of it. I told him that there are many people to help and we want to help in any way we can....he heard me, I highlighted all the good from the outcome.

He was alive, he did not damage his eye, he did not burn his lungs...

when I hung up the phone after he assured me he did not need me to come over, our mom and his family was there to keep an eye on him,

I sat motionless, wanting to flee, but I chose to be present...shake and race around my mind.

Then I began to cry, as there was nothing I could do to "fix" the situation...

This was the most painful part for me...knowing he was in pain and sitting waiting for the next step.

Then I texted all my medical and doctor friends to see if anyone knew a burn specialist...

I got responses but none were referrals, well wishes instead...which was an easy reason to call him back and hear his voice again. He sent me a photo of himself so I could see his face...It was comforting, he was home resting and taking selfies...and running through the scenario over and over again...telling me his thoughts about it.

We are four and a half years apart and are now the closest we have been since childhood.

I called several times to see if he was sleeping, or needing anything.

..until I was soothed into a lull from my crazy monkey mind.

The Barren stayed with me, and simply sat and kept me company as I raced in my mind.

The following day was my nieces 1st birthday. 

I had made all the cakes and we headed in early after an early am call, 

to see if he slept and how he was feeling.

My brother was given pain meds at the ER but refused to take them...he found it reassuring to feel everything, calming his fears of nerve loss, and not wanting to surrender control.

Aside from the party, he was set to meet the burn specialist and get his burn cleaned...

he took some advil and headed to the hospital with his brother in law to get it cleaned, leaving his daughters birthday party and the guests behind; all of us sending him off with well wishes and prayers.

He returned two hours later, wrapped and with photographs of the damage.

Seeing him walk in again, and hearing the assessment of his burn was reassuring, in a strange way.

Second degree on his hand and arm, deep second on his index finger and thumb. First degree on his face, neck, ear and scalp. He has a burned star-burst pattern on his face from where he squeezed his eye shut when the flame hit him. There was stubble all over his shirt, from the singed hair on his head... from the removal of his head-wrap.

He was alright.

We left about an hour later, and drove home in a quiet car.

I ate a little dinner and then fell into a deep sleep

Cleaned arm with biobrane sleeve in place 

I awoke early for work the following day, my brother came in soon after me.

All day I heard the story, I got to repeat it first, and after divulging the details I ended with:

I am so thankful he is here; he did not lose his eye or burn his lungs.

When it was time for my brother to tell it to the relatives that were calling to check on him, he ended the tale the same way...over and over and over again.

I held it together, I stepped out once when I thought I was gonna cry...

He is moving slower, but still has taken no pain pills...he is working, and doing what he is driven to do.

He is in good spirits and is watching his arm for signs of problems....

Sunday is the next hump, he finds out if the biobrane (synthetic skin) is taking on his forearm and he can avoid a skin graft.

I admire him, and adore him beyond words.

He will always be my little brother, no matter our age

and I will always want and strive to protect him.

Thankful Thursday

put you in to a better mood

I am currently working in the studio....here is a sweet bunny eating my lunch.

well, not my lunch, but what I usually eat for lunch.

be back soon

Throwback Thursday

So in honor of throwback Thursday I searched my cell phone, 

the following are images that I took on this day in 2011, 2012 and 2013

a duck on a leash

which ones should I buy organic if I have to choose

local grocery store

that is all, for now...yes, I am procrastinating

Wide Open

So I am totally addicted.

The first class was tough, I was told by others who had taken the class that the best thing to do was really hydrate yourself before class.
SO I really took this to heart and the pre-hydration preparation had me peeing every 10minutes!

I must admit, that everytime I drank a glass of water, my mind took me to thinking that I was preparing for a pelvic ultrasound; but I am retraining my neural pathways, and telling them

"nope you are drinking water because you are about to sweat so much it is gonna feel like all the butter you have ever eaten will be running out of your pores"
 

The first class was HOT, 105degrees, we selected the "hot class" kind of by accident, the others are listed as hot too but this one takes the cake. One of the two ladies I signed up with picked me up from work and we were both making jokes the whole time,
until we hit the heated room and then it was game time!

We took it slow, we dripped sweat, she made me keep my eyes open, so she "knew I was alive"
There were maybe 10 of us in there, one man and the rest women in various levels of practice and aside from my getting dizzy,
I completed to the best of my ability, 22 of the 26 postures.

We fought with the reflections in the mirrors and are starting to understand there is no hiding from them. I even caught myself seeing myself...but I still prefer to position myself in just the right way, that I can not make out my whole body.
We felt quite happy when we were done and I felt like I had taken a bunch of speed,
after the internal blast furnace shut off.

Yesterday we all went to the level two class, this one is only 90degrees and was PACKED with beautiful people. The teacher spoke quickly to keep the pace up and I was drenched in 10minutes, and confused what pose I was suppose to do but I was able to stop when I got weak or dizzy and there was no judgement. I caught sight of my friends in their practice and we all were in our own minds and bodies. Each of us sporting a beet red face. I can say it is quite startling to see myself as I am PALE, PALE person and then I have a fuchsia face...it is something to behold.
The class moved fast and reminded me that I use to really enjoy this, I use to practice 4x a week right after The Barren and I got married. The lady next to me was recovering from an injury and she mentioned that very thought. " we always say how great we felt when doing yoga, or I was in such great shape...and then we walk away from it. Why?"

As we rounded out the class there was a chance to hold Tree Pose however you felt it should be.
Hands at heart, above your head, behind you, twisted....
Without thought, just by pure action I found my arms shoot straight out-
outreached at my sides, heart lifted and a smirk!
I was welcoming in this new action
I felt free
Free of guilt, sadness, sorrow, shame, pressure

I am wide open



Thankful Thursday

It is thankful Thursday again and I am feeling good and thankful and still serene

...but maybe a little tired.

 

My Brother (I forgot his title, I think I called him the Earl) has a "Mayan calendar countdown clock" on his desktop here at work and every time he is at his desk he announces how many more hours until the end of the world.

If he has calculated right, it will be sometime around 2 or 3 am, so I will be with who I want to be with for the end of time....if it happens.

For that I am thankful.

 

We had three "earthquakes" here this morning...being a native to earthquake land, I went into drop and cover mode without a thought and waited for the earth to continue to shake...it didn't...

and then the news agency released an

" official statement" from the U.S. Geological Survey telling the local  News the shaking and boom seems to have been caused by a "sonic signal not an earthquake." He continued to say that the object is most likely an aircraft heading north and that preliminary reports show it reaching 2,000-plus miles per hour.

Then three military helicopters flew over the area and then

Shortly there after, there was a statement from the Local Air Force Base stating there were F-22's doing things along the coast.

The conspiracy theory's are all over the place right now...

I am thankful I am heading home soon...and away from the crazies.

 

but a little concerned that there will be a whale washing ashore soon or a pod of dolphin showing up somewhere wrong because of these "signals" *sigh*

 

I decorated the house last weekend, we have a tree that smells yummy and is covered with handmade ornaments. The twinkle lights are up and the holiday picture cards are coming in...little faces amongst images of my aging friends.

 It doesn't seem to hurt so much looking at those families...this year...

I am thankful for my quiet home, my obsessive cats that demand time from us

and space to relax on our laps.

I am thankful for the ability to make our own chaos and make bad food choices

I am thankful to sleep in late and spoil other peoples children

I am thankful to have a little extra coin to give to others and make cookies for neighbors

I am thankful for The Barren, loving me to uniquely and deeply.

 

I am thankful this Thursday

So if tomorrow is the end of the world, I am glad I had this place and time.

If not, The Barren owes his college roommate $20

 

 





The Ball on Thankful Thursday

Tonight is the BIG art event that I made my "goal" to be ready for

when I was preparing for surgery and visualizing the future beyond the event.
I am feeling a lot like myself...plus still euphorically grateful and mellow.
 

I'm not gonna lie, I spent a good portion of last night going through outfit options...

I even stopped at a shop I had seen a cute skirt at months ago thinking "why not get something new?" The skirt I had seen was long gone...and so I went home to look through my options.

What I settled on is a pencil skirt and retro sweater....black and black with a white collar.

Slim fit, and I had to just let go of the fact that, although I feel lighter, there doesn't seem to be an outward reflection of that. I will wear my glee as the shinny accessory!

I am a classic hourglass/pear girl...considering that I come from thick stocked women that are all shaped like apples my pear shape is an anomaly.

I recently recall  hearing an interview that studied people and how they responded to certain shaped people. Hourglass/pear shaped women made people evoked associations with power and sexuality.

I used that as a mantra to love my body even more.
I was able to finally get the last glue to give up it's hold on my skin and it revealed my new button.
I now have an innie AND an outie!
Another new element for my rebirth!

 

Tonight is work: socializing mixed with business. It involves a lot of talking about methods of making and expressions of emotions, processes. Purpose and drive, vision and execution.

I have to be very present and very engaged.
The last two years I have been part of this event have been like old school New York art openings. There are three to four people between you and the work, the place is packed and filled with energy and beautiful people. Amazing people watching, and electricity!
 

It also requires a lot of your body, in social parties there is often a place to sit, or a little rest spot to escape to. For me, I commit to the whole night, from open to close, I am there to talk about my work and learn who people are, how they are connected to each other, get cards and hear what they are seeing, making or thinking about work.

This evening will require me to be standing in heels on a cement floor for three plus hours being engaged and social. I have a few dear friends that are planning on coming up to see the circus.

I am excited about it, and when they said
"we know you are working so we will just wave"
I begged them to please not do that...as my friend you allow me to take a break,
 they will be the little seat and room to breathe.

I am so looking forward to what this evening celebrates, and marks for me.
I have made it, and it is gonna be a party from now on!

Thankful Thursday

Thankful Thursday-

Remembering to keep believing, in yourself and others

Today's Inspiration-Thankful Thursday

I hope the dark days are behind me for another year....I saw this today and it made me smile.

Thank you for all your warm heartfelt wishes, they were felt deeply in my darkness.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful that I am staying away from the TV lately.

Like in an almost cold turkey sort of way

It has been beneficial as of late seeing that the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket.

I don't know the details of the latest trial, the newest outfit that is walking down Rodeo drive, where Paris H is and do I feel like I am missing something? Nope

but...

To be honest, I have turned off the TV since last weeks "fight" with hubby.

We had a falling out;  we don't do that...we have been together just about 19yrs and I can count on ONE hand the amount of times we have raised our voices to each other.

So they tend to be day that are remembered.

This last one, was brought on by bad timing and poor communication.

Hubby was entrenched in a video game and I had plans for him to answer my booty call!

problem is, he didn't

and then made a statement that turned it back onto me making it look like it was my fault.

Neither of us slept...nor spoke

This poured into the next morning and we had it out!

We are all fine now...a little shaken still but back on the same page again

He was mad that the TV is on all the time and he doesn't want to sit and watch TV.

When I told him that 99% of the time I have it turned on is because, it will allow me to sit in the same room as him while he is typing away at a video game and not talking to me.

It is my company keeper when he is not vocal.

Needless to say, we have made some changes.

I have only watched one show since last Thursday. Really.

Now he and I have read together after work or sat outside and enjoyed the evening air.

We don't need to talk the whole time, but we are spending better time together.

This is what I am really thankful for.

Happy Thankful Thursday



Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for my man.

We often ask each other in moments of self doubt and insecurity:

What do you love about me?

When the world beats you up and and then you have to drag your ass home and still be human it helps sometimes to know that you are still worth while to someone.

Well my sweet wonderful man asked this question of me recently and I told him this...

I love that you wait as you turn the compost, so the scrub jays can eat the worms and bugs.

I watched him for half an hour last weekend, carefully turn and shovel the compost pile...watch two very eager and trusting birds swoop down, pick thru the freshly upturned soil and then perch on the wall as hubby turned the soil again to reveal more earthly treats.

I am thankful for that man of mine.

Thankful Thursday

Seeing as that it seems to be Thursday again

and I am working on changing my normally sarcastic outlook (well,this week)

I decided to focus this energy for the powers of good

*

I am thankful that I have been able to clear a longtime clogged slate of anger

(it is a doosie; so being the experimenter that I am , I thought I would see how long they could keep me from turning away from them, ball is in their court. I showed up to the game) 

I am trying, again

*

I am also thankful that when invited to visit with a long time ago friend I didn't run for the hills when I discovered that she was 8 3/4 months pregnant.

I am thankful indeed