There she goes

 It feels strange to write about a car. 

I donated my car on Wednesday to the Humane World for Animals. We have a newer car, all electric and my sweet girl had almost 300,000 miles on her. She was getting tired, was gonna need all her original hoses and boots and seals replaced. 

She was my ride or die for 21 years! I picked her out originally because I wanted a four door car that would be easier to put in and take out a car seat, had enough room for my father to sit comfortably in the back and had better safety features...airbags! Before her I had a 1985 Toyota Corolla that I purchased from my great aunt, that only made right turns,  and when I started driving 100miles round trip to and from work, my mechanic suggested I get a safer car and a cell phone.

I picked out my gal, no bells or whistles, just super standard features with airbags. The upgrades from the 1985 car was that this new one had air conditioning, airbags and a CD player! It still had roll down windows (in case I drove off a bridge, I could still escape my car) and buttons and knobs that required turning to find radio stations and such. She had 3 miles on her when we drove off the lot and I loved that car. When stuff got serious, not long after getting her, she was my safe space to rage scream, cry and yell at the world. No one was the wiser, she kept my secrets. We went on the occasional road trip, but I babied her. Drove my goddaughters to and from school, carried my niblings to and from overnights. Even transported them along with the dogs while we waited for word about the youngest being born. She carried me to and from infusions and errands and gardens. 

Gladly hauling bags of compost in her trunk.

She ferried us and the cats to safety when the fires had us evacuating to safer locations. She made it through floods and storms and all the while required very little. She was " middle grey", a color I chose as a nod to my photographic love. She was my first brand new car, I picked her out, financed her and she in many way equated freedom for me. Freedom of movement, freedom for choice...I could go anywhere...she was mine! 

So when we got the newest used car, it was time to say goodbye. I cleaned out my car that night, emptying it of all the little things she had collected over the years, Acorns and CDs and love notes and keys and coins. I ripped off the Band-Aid in many ways.... I was emotional ! I sat on the kitchen floor and cried. I turned ideas around in my head. I asked my brother if his kids would want her? " she would be the perfect car to learn to drive in " I loved the idea that an Aunt would pass on another car in the family...but my niblings said no, they did not have any interest in learning how to drive! 

I asked people at my yoga studio that had kiddos, no one needed a car. 

This broke my heart, but also made it possible to think beyond the present and instead, look to donation.

The Barren was very supportive, he too had a mix of feelings. He didn't want me to feel forced to make a choice, but also knew I would have all the same options with this newer car.

When I decided who was going to take her on her next path, I drove her to the garden, talking to her along the way, thanking her for all her support over the years. I picked flowers for her dashboard and left them there to dry. 

The day before the tow truck came, I burned sage inside the car. Telling her that I release her from all that she helped me carry over the years. All the sorrow and pain that she allowed me to fill her with. All the times I screamed and cried and banged my hands into the steering wheel. I released her of all her obligations and thanked her for taking to me to places that also supported my joy and excitement. 

She was cleared of it all, she was free.

I tucked a little Milagros into a secret place to carry her to her next happy. 

The following day, I met the tow truck and watched her drive away.

I thought it would hurt more...maybe it will down the line but for now I am hopeful she will be auctioned off and make someone else happy.

Has anyone read Klara and the sun

A friend mentioned that our story was similar, and I kinda agree.

Now I feel different, as though I also let some of that sorrow and heaviness go too.

The goodbye was proof of growing pains and that is why I cried so much.

Like it was no big deal

So we had an earthquake this morning.

As a native Californian I have ridden a few out.

My mom tells the story that when I was a baby 

there was a really big quake and it rocked me back to sleep in my crib.

I am no stranger to quakes.

In 1990's there were a couple big bad ones that I was privy too...

one had me rush out of a bathroom in a restaurant because the walls were bowing.

The second was so big, it cracked my grandmothers apartment building and my mother and I drove in to be with her and return to her blackened home for some valuables as the aftershocks kept rattling it, it was like being in a bouncy house but the house was a 3 story apartment building.

(I do not recommend this and my mother does not always make the best decisions)

I think there were 10+ aftershocks that day....

This mornings earth movement was mild compared to those.

It has rattled a lot of people near the epicenter and 

there are no serious injuries reported which is great!

I was on the phone with a cousin who lives in Mexico and said

" oh we are having a quake"

the line was silent 

and then I said "it is still rolling but we are fine."

that is how caviler I can be when I identify the type of quake.

it rolled for 20 seconds.

the plants swayed, the coo coo clock chains swayed the cat paced up and down the hallway...

then it was settled.

No need to take cover, no bowed walls or cracked foundation or turning off the gas.

I have not felt any aftershocks.

We are about 200 miles away from the epicenter so that comes as no surprise.

As soon as it stopped I got a call from a friend who lives around the corner

frantic and panicked and out of sorts and firing rapid questions my way

she is from Florida, so is not prepared for earth movement:

" OMG what was that !

is there a Tsunami warning

where do we go if there is one

I don't like those

I am shaking

What should I do

what is the protocol

hubby is just sitting here like it is no big deal "

I tried REALLY hard to not laugh and assured her that what she just felt was a 

MELLOW experience for an earthquake and that she was safe

Normally you brace yourself in a doorway

DO NOT run outside

wait for the shaking to stop than go about your day.

If there was a Tsunami warning out cell phones would siren

and that street across from your house is taller that your house...

go up there if there is a warning.

stay away from windows and anything that could fall on you

BTW your house is a single story...

the safest kind

you are in the safest house for an earthquake...

you are safe and laugh it off.

(I think I said safe a million times to try and soothe her)

She thanked me and hung up

I checked on her two hours later and she said she was still shaking.

She takes her time processing things I guess...

I laughed a bit while making breakfast

it was alright...I could not do anything to prevent it

we were together and safe

it was over

just a normal California day as far as I was concerned.

 Happy Thursday!

I am going to make some 4th of July tacos now

Sitting and thinking

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently.

Some days it manifests as napping, or seated meditation or wall staring. 

Regardless of its form, I have been doing a lot of reflecting.

I think my rant (previous post) got under my skin...

and seeing it there made me realize I was upset over things that I really don't have space for.

Nor, do I want to have space for...

As I have been aging away from baby-making years, 

I find that the first few years (10 or so) were beyond comprehension painful.

I found depths of sadness I never knew existed.

I almost slipped forever into those places, never to return.

I will never forget those times, although they are years away, they are very close still.

I am thankful for that minuscule/tiny spark in me that said to keep fighting...

keep being a badass, a noisemaker, a warrior.

As I am much farther down that path, 

I am thankful for my bodies ability to heal and recover 

and find new ways to make me fall in love with it again.

I can be okay with turning away from the baby oogling and cooing.

I am okay smiling at toddlers as they give me deer in headlight stares from shopping carts.

I am okay not being Okay with something one day and totally fine with it another.

I am giving myself permission to listen if I want and 

walk away if it don't feel connected with talk of children. 

This last month was endometriosis awareness month

and there was a big campaign on Instagram about it...

people declaring they were or someone they cared about was 1 in 10

people dealing with Endo.

One of the questions asked of the community was:

What gift has your Endo diagnosis given you?

I engaged and said:

 That after my stage 4 diagnosis, I was freed of guilt.

I realized that my infertility reflected nothing I had done wrong. 

I had done nothing wrong

I am practicing in a new yoga studio these days and have pumped up my practice to daily. 

This new studio is closer to home and has a lot of different kinds of classes.

One I take twice a week has been teaching me real meditation skills and I have already found them to be reflecting in my daily routines.*

This last weekend I spent two days cooking for Passover.

I made everything from scratch and we hosted my parents, a new tradition for us.

*The Barren mentioned that I was quite calm, and not frantic like I normally am.

We started this tradition because my mother would be working her tail off of days and when the family came for dinner she never sat and enjoyed the meal herself...for like 45+ years! 

so I make her meal and she and my father sit and enjoy the meal without chaos and distractions and have conversations with us.

This year, I did all the cooking and served a super homemade meal...

My father was not impressed

He didn't like most of what I made and told me so.

*I listened and heard him and sat in those critiques

After they left, I quietly washed dishes and sat down.

I overslept the alarm for class the next morning....

When I was finally awake, The Barren asked if I was alright...

I had been standing for the last two days, and it made sense that I was tired.

I told him I felt hurt that my efforts to impress my father made no difference to my father....

but I understood that I was seeking validation for something I wanted to do.

He not liking the food was his thing.

*Me feeling hurt that he didn't like the food was mine;

I needed to focus on the fact that I enjoyed making the food, 

and thinking of family that had made it before me.

I had no space or desire for the negative places I went

I was more aware of myself now  

I am becoming more aware of who I am now...

and for that I am thankful

Cycles

The proceeds from this t-shirt help provide menstrual hygiene kits to people experiencing homelessness

I only get my period four times a year now.

It is part of the agreed plan to control my endometriosis, fibroids and cysts. 

It has been working well, and retarding growth on the current fibroids and any creation of new ones.

It has also allowed me to keep my uterus instead of having the suggested hysterectomy.

At first I thought it was like being neutered; taking away something so sacred as a monthly cycle.  The monthly pain left me unable to stand upright, or eat or sleep, so the idea became a welcome retreat from pain and in many ways a space to grieve my lost fertility.

I had to walk away from my efforts twice in 8 years of trying to make a family. 

When I first went off the monthly pill to dive into the pool of trying, I was almost immediately faced with a wall of pain and only after half a year was I able to advocate for further testing which first revealed my fibroids and the sudden growth had me at an oncologist. 

Back on the pill to shrink them and try to give me a window to try to get pregnant again.

The second dive into the pool had me in the ER and multiple trips to the doctor to find answers to the miscarriages. Suddenly 8 years passed and it was too much loss and too much pain to live.

I went back onto the pill after my removal of a large chocolate cyst, and an ovarian cancer scare;

that confirmed my stage 4 endo that had head-locked my ovary behind my uterus, a septum in my uterus and calcified fibroids.

The road was shut.

I grieved and celebrated this information at the same time.

I did nothing wrong in my efforts to get pregnant, but my body that I had lovingly cared, for had decided that no child shall survive in me.

Now 5 years later, I am facing a new kind of knowledge.

My periods which only come quarterly,  will eventually stop coming all together.

I am prepared to grieve that as well.

a bitter sweet party

I have my period now, I have always been a full moon bleeder.

I guess I am a druid that way, an earthy girl, a wolf woman.

I can now not have to decide if the pain is bad enough to need to go to the ER, 

instead I can sit on the couch or sleep away the mood and aches.

Still honoring the need to take care of this body.

My period arrived later than normal this cycle, and for the first time in a LONG time, 

my mind did not go to the "maybe I'm pregnant" thought...

in fact it never even entered my mind.

Instead I thought, soon there will be no more.

Self Awareness

stop the hate, both in yourself and for others

it has been too long....

I have been distracted, by everything...struggling to focus on anything.

I have spread myself thin and opaque.

I started to feel overwhelmed by life...

like I was responsible for everyone, and everything.

I was trying to change the world single-handedly.

I felt the responsibility of everyone's white privilege, I needed to take responsibility for every act of racism and sexism and xenophobia I saw, heard or read.

It became too much!

I was becoming paralyzed.

I have started to triage my life again...it is going much slower than I thought it would...

but I think I have landed on the right path, at least for now it feels like it.

I am still quite politically active, far more than I have ever been in my life!

I find writing a postcard and sending it off is QUITE cathartic.

cheap therapy...I recommend it to anyone; write about anything and send it to anyone!

I had forgotten to take my Vitamin D and felt the effects of the deep sadness...

I have remedied that now as well.

I have been kinder to myself when 4am comes around, and I simply don't feel like driving 40+ miles into town early for practice.

 I know I need to go at least three times a week but sometimes that doesn't happen and that is OK. 

I have felt the changes of aging without children.

My best friend (we live far to many miles from each other) was in town for 36hrs for an art installation and asked me to help. Which I gladly did. She needed to race home to be with her kiddo for his 12th birthday....when I asked he about the day he was born, she started to cry and looked me in the eyes and said that she now knows so many people who can't have children besides me and she feels so thankful that after her miscarriage she was able to get pregnant again and that she is so sorry.

I hugged her and told her it was not a burden she needed to bear, she was allowed to complain and be frustrated and thankful all at the same time!

I felt her pain so deeply.

I have been feeling EVERYTHING so so so deeply.

It is another aspect of my overwhelming of life.

My niece turns 13 today, I unconsciously calculate where I was in trying to create our family.

Each of these children in our lives are markers of how far down the path we have walked.

How far away from our hopes of a child we have wandered.

The birth announcements are father apart now, and the birthdays are larger numbers.

I know the second round, generation is on the horizon...I wonder if I will still calculate where I was on the day they were born...how long that marker of memory will last and when it might be replaced with a memory of them...simply them and me.

Unleashing

I saw this today and thought

"My gawd I love this woman"

I am working on unleashing this woman;

she lives inside me and I seem to always want to keep her contained...

it is time for her to run free

Politics, babies and my body

I'm here....

that latest round of colds, flus and colds hit this house hard....

and aside from some morning nausea I am back to "normal"

Politics:

I am so fired up about maintaining my rights; the rights of  my nieces and nephews,

 that I re-registered so that I could vote in the primary here in the States.

I was registered with a party that would only allow me to vote party line.

I needed to change that.

I am so upset, and frustrated with the casual misogyny, hate speak, fear mongering and general shit talk that I chose to not sit idyll and instead do what I could to make changes.

 I normally don't talk politics and this is as far as I will go...

I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it any longer

Babies:

I have two baby gifts in read to be packed up, as more people are preggers.

I would say I am pretty unfazed by it, but in all honesty, I haven't been around them while they are blossoming. What I did have a physical reaction to was a casual mention of an impromptu baby shower for a fellow artist...I felt my stomach clench and then race through the monologue of 

"I don't do baby showers, I am happy to send a gift but I am not going to attend"

I decided that, that event has WAY too many triggers for me and so I choose to avoid them....

like the boogie man!

My body:

I stumbled on this project and there is a whole section on fertility, here is one with a statement about the portrait subject:

WHAT I BE PROJECT

As mentioned before, I am floating farther away from my sole identity as an infertile woman.

It is bittersweet...but I think a natural progression with age and peace. 

I have recently purchased a vintage photograph of a child.

It resonated in me when I saw it. 

So I bought it, and when it arrived I matted and framed it and added it to my personal altar. 

I allows me to see a manifestation of a child that makes me feel happy.

Like a moment from a daydream captured.

It has settled something in me.

Time has passed and I am growing it seems

So I haven't posted in a while...I am not completely sure why.

Barbara Kruger's artwork
"Have me Feed me Hug me Love me Need me"

I spent the month of April visiting art museums....The Barren declared the whole month would be spent art gazing, and I was not going to argue with that logic! Plus he said it was the perfect way to celebrate my birthday....so we did.
It was amazing and inspiring and wonderful. We were able to break him free of work on most of those weekends and just enjoy wandering galleries and talking about thoughts that the art inspired.

Quite beautiful

I forgot Infertility Awareness week...I am aware of our infertility, and so are most of our friends....it didn't seem like something I needed to soapbox this year. So I didn't

I celebrated my birthday quite quietly. I made myself a cake and ate a piece the eve of my birthday. I went to yoga in the morning and didn't tell anyone and then at the end of class someone wished me a happy birthday and throughout the week, I was surprised with birthday wishes....it was sweet.

I then got my annual cold and spent the week following my birthday laid out like a shivering, stuffy nosed sloth under the covers. This cold triggered me getting my period a week early-even while on birth control and now next week I get my period again....that is if this period stops first.
sigh

My bestie made it through (OK I made it through) her month residency and made a SHITLOAD of artwork, but also missed her husbands cooking as the food provided was less than stellar and mostly tater tots. I am complaining for her....hahaha she'd never complain.

I have landed firmly in 46.
I don't seem fazed by it and that is great with me.
My mother had her knee replaced at 44 and the fact that I am still not there is a MAJOR highlight of a milestone in personal goals.

Mother's day is looming, but my mom made plans and she said they are declaring it Sunday.
I think she is doing that to make me feel better, and I am thankful for that too....

I think that I am mostly settling into who I am meant to be now...post-infertility.
I discover something new about what I do and don't want, what I can actually do...and often give myself permission to go forward with that train of thought.
Recently, friends are talking about stressful kid scenarios and I just look at The Barren and say
"Not jealous of that!"
That is HUGE for me, for us....

Things I can do

So I have been busy with my personal self created to-do lists. 

Top on that list was (see I did it) updating my personal artist website.

My old website was managed and maintained by a friend...and by friend I mean ex-boyfriend.

I maintain a relationship with my ex, it has been over 25 years now.

The Barren has zero issue with this, and I am beyond thankful that one of the many fine qualities is that he understands that people mean something to me, and that my past comes with me.

 So having a relationship with my ex totally makes sense to him and he respects that.

We (ex and I) decided long ago that we could not throw away all the time we had spent together,
 so we would stay friends, plus it was the adult thing to do. 

I know that this is quite unique and makes some people very uncomfortable...but that is just a fact.

He decided to sleep with someone else, so I left him (had to get a jab in there somewhere)

 I met The Barren about 6months there after.

I am not going to say that we had a perfect relationship, or that this friendship has not be hard at times, but we both feel it is worth maintaining it.

We were young and said hurtful things, I lost myself in the process. Some of what was done/said has taken a long time to grow past or let go of...but time marched on and we seem to always go to one another for some sense of support or creative guidance.

His partner (the same one he was with when we were together) had a hard time getting on board with it, but has come to understand that this friendship is not going anywhere 

and it is not a threat to them or her.

Over the years the ex has helped me make creative decisions, and is a good editor and creative sounding board and reference guide. We help each other out with creative things as we seem to understand each other that way still.

I had been wrestling with website design options and he stepped in and researched all the pros and cons of each, helping me see the highlights of them. I get overwhelmed with minute details and he helped clear that up.

We had decided to met face to face to discuss the final player/options and styles etc...at a coffeehouse he'd never been to before...I had been emailing and texting with him constantly but had not seen him face to face in over two years! 

When the time came for us to meet, he was no where to be found...

I could feel my heart pounding and all these feeling from when I was a teenager came back...

he is blowing me off

he "forgot"

his partner had a tantrum and he is not coming

I texted The Barren and asked how long to wait...he responded that the ex is notoriously late, and to give it a half an hour. I paced in my mind while trying to maintain my composure in my seat...slowly sipping tea. When the half hour mark arrived I slowly packed up my things and decided to walk around the block, thinking I'd catch him just arriving or check another nearby coffee house that maybe he was there instead.

Turns out that he was, at another location...the first one we talked about meeting at...but changed from that place to the new one.

When he saw me, he gave me a look that made me feel like a silly 19yr old again...he was disappointed, frustrated and convinced that I had gotten it all wrong.

I took a deep breath maintained a smile and said, "I'm glad we found each other."

He said he had looked into the coffee shop I was waiting in but, didn't dare enter it as he had never been there before. So he returned to the original local assuming I'd be there.

(I was sitting at a table that was blocked by a stone column so he could not see me from the outside).

We walked back to the coffee shop I had just left, in time for me to continue finishing my tea (they hadn't even cleared the cup and pot yet)

He sat down and we began to catch up a little. I mostly listened, he was nervous and it was awkward...needless to say we chatted and switched to a smaller table when we realized we didn't need a wall plug as originally thought.

 The morning sun was out and beaming me right in the eye and side of my face...making me sit back farther and farther..the ex noted that he could see the sun beaming me, but that he was in the shade and so didn't stop conversation, it did make me realize a simple and sweet thing about The Barren*

The talk of the website was minor, as I had most of my ideas clearly set and when I had had enough of the sun and the conversation had turned to filler I offered to drive him home, so he didn't have to walk back. We drove back to his place, I dropped him off at the curb and waved goodbye.

I then proceeded to go home, set up my account, and begin designing the new website.

In the last week it has formed into a completed vision, that I made all on my own.

The kick start was a rough one, mostly filled with self doubt over my abilities, 

but that turned out to be smoke and mirrors and trick doors.

I even designed a new name logo....

I sent a link to the ex last night declaring that it was live, and he responded that it looked great!

I was quite proud of myself.

I feel as though I am free from a shadow.

Like his control over my web presence is no longer over me...

I have taken back control over me again.

I doubted my abilities but I was wrong....

I can do it, and well at that!

*The Barren always makes sure I am out of the sun, if I was at this table with The Barren, we would have packed up and moved to another with no words or fuss...just a matter of fact and no pause in conversation.

It is amazing how things from many years ago can still feel so fresh and accessible in our hearts.  

The ex has never wished any ill will on me and always expressed his desire that nothing come in my way, so I continue to pursue my art...in fact when I told him I was getting married, he wanted to make sure that The Barren would never snuff out my artistic desires or freedom of motion.

Then declared he was off to join the French foreign legion...hahaha

When I told him I couldn't have kids, he sent a sweet note that it was super sad, and wished it would be different for us.

He broke my heart 25 years ago, but in the middle of it all I had the strength to march onward with my head held high and find myself again and the person I was meant to spend my lifetime with. 

I am thankful, he in turn found his life mate too.

We have grown since then, said a lot of "I didn't mean that" and versions of "I'm sorry" and can now joke about things...

at least I can, in fact I still refer to a painting he gave me when we broke up as
"what I got in the divorce settlement"

I can hold my head up high, feel smart and do things without hesitation.

I can do all these things!

Slowly churning

***babble***

OK so we visited the baby and his mama is calling him by the nickname I had dreaded....I have found myself calling him baby, or his full given name. She is being very empathetic when we are there. Making sure it is only us and not a crowd or others that would be oohing and aaaahing.
She told me to tell her when I was ready to hold him, and that she won't ask again if I want to hold him. I thought that was incredibly kind.

So that helps.
In many ways I am thankful to not have to be there emotionally (new mother) at this point in my life. I am less raw, but still tender...if that makes sense.

I have been focusing on the upcoming gallery season and making as much art as I can muster.

I have even requested a day off so that I can just do my work for another day; not having to switch my brain from one job to another. Even skipping yoga in the morning to make it a full run.

 It took over two years, but I now know the names of several people that I have been in class with, as I introduced myself and they in turn have done the same.

We are far from friends, but friendly and it is so much nicer to say someones name when you say good morning. At least I like to say it that way, it acknowledges that I see them and that for at least that moment in the day you are not invisible.

One of the ladies is a mother of two, and when I first met her declared that she loved her kids but they drove her insane sometimes....I laughed and assured her that I held no judgement of her, in fact I respected her honesty.

She friended me on social media and mentioned recently that her husband brought home pet rats when he was out picking up the kids from soccer practice. I chimed in that pet rats were great pets for kids and that she might find them to be adorable after a little time.

She responded that when I choose to have kids she'd get me a couple for a baby shower gift.

I was taken aback and sort of rattled by her response....I know she was being funny...but it is frustrating and pathetic that after all these years I have to conscientiously, remember to have a sense of humor about things sometimes. How sad is that.

After all this time a wounded person shows up first and then I have to remind them that we are not wanting the pain anymore, so put on a party hat and remember to smile.

Ugh....

lifelong remnants of infertility

I am also finding myself looking at my body in the mirror with less anger...and more acceptance

I wonder what will happen when I enter menopause, how will it change

I wonder if it is stronger than before, even when I feel stronger I wonder if I really am.

I am more thankful for the way my body moves now and in fact so thankful that I just bought myself a pair of shoes that are good for my feet! I usually get the cheap pairs in BOGO sales and half of them eat holes into my ankles and others just leave me with throbbing heels after the day is over. 

My knee has been bothering me and aside from sleeping with a leg brace, and being VERY aware of how I move it I started thinking maybe my years of cheap shoes are catching up...so I got a pair of Earth shoes and will use them instead of my go to flip flops and knockoff Toms

What a grown up idea....

I have a lot of hopes pinned on this seasons' gallery time, in fact I am doing the crawl tonight and wearing a dress and putting my mind in the right place for talking and smoozing.

The Barren has work commitments, so I am going it alone.

I have been submitting still, and waiting while trying to not think about waiting for results.

I have been trying to let my brain stretch, and wander...

explore new processes and concepts.

I have been trying to remind myself that this is it...there are no do-overs with today...it is here and now and I need to make the most of them.

I feel like I am still holding myself back and I wonder why I am not allowing my self to walk to cliffs edge or jump higher or stay longer or dive deeper....

Do you find yourself holding yourself back, unconsciously?

I wonder if it is left over from years of IF or simply who I am?

Everyday I am trying to crack the code...and make sense of this all

Little gifts

I was getting my weekly hoard of avocados and stone fruit from farmers market on Saturday.

A quiet moving meditation for me.

It was hot already at 8am, and there was no wind.

so it was kind of muggy too.

I had heard on the news earlier, that the drought is so bad, that we would need significant rain for three years strait to restore the levels back to normal.

I go to the market to get the few gems that our CSA box doesn't provide.

The guy I get my stone fruit from reminds me of 

Jeff Spicoli 

He is really nice and sweet and sells KILLER fruit.

Almost every week there is a different variety of pluot, nectarine or plum to choose from.

I had paid the man for the fruit, and thanked him 

Turned to see a succulent vendor and stood in front of the rows of

pretty little plants all on display for sale.

The market was a buzz all around me...a low murmur of chatter and movement swirling 

on all sides of me....

I was just standing in silence deciding if I was going to get a plant to add to the ones at home, 

or pick up three more avocados.

I decided on two little plants and the man placed them into a little cardboard box, with some free potting soil and information paper on what they were and how to take care of them.

..and was handing me back my change

Just then, a drop

then another, then a crack and the sky split open and poured a waterfall of 

water downward.

People scrambled under vendor tents...

the succulent man was flustered that all his plant information paper was getting wet.

"my wife said, you don't need a tent, it will never rain"

I just stood there, looking up at the sky and smiling, laughing and saying out loud

What a wonderful thing this is

I must have looked mad

A silly smile across m face, drenched in cool raindrops

my shirt and skirt darkened from the new water.

My sandals filled with water and as I slowly walked away it was as though I had my own portable puddle to splash in.

People were huddled under the popup tents and the lady I get my dates from asked if I needed shelter from the rain...I looked at her, water running down my forehead and said

No thanks, it is just water, and it is wonderful to be in it

What a gift rain is

What the funking groovin ?!

I am not sure what is happening, but something clearly is....

I went on a run with The Barren this morning.

I am not a runner, I do not like running and I never have. 

In fact, my mother use to write notes under my direction everyday to the PE teacher blaming everything from cramps and growing pains to my favorite " I was not designed to run"

I use to walk the mile every time it was was required...always coming in last proudly.

When we lived in a hot climate, I told the teacher I would get heat stroke if I exerted myself any further than walking.

But this morning, as an act of encouragement I did the first day of a "couch to 5k" routine 

Mind you, I only signed up for a week, to jump start his new routine, because when I started my practice I had a friend with me too.

In the wake of this adventure this morning, I am feeling quite..... well, proud.

The program has you gently moving from 60 seconds of running and 

90 seconds of walking to a 5k run after about 9 weeks.

The Barren wanted to try this out and I want to support him...so I guess I will be running when I am not doing yoga.

It is a win win.

Our adventure this last weekend was filled with adventure

We ventured into the BIG CITY once again as The Barren heard that these

women were going to be in attendance at a big BOOK FAIR!!

I have been a HUGE fan and disciple since I was in high school.

In fact I have this xeroxed poster on my wall still, complete with pin holes from years of wall displays.

I got m fangirl photo and was on cloud nine for quite a while!

The fair was a bibliophiles wet dream, 250 displays from independent presses, big printers and everything in between!

We both bought a bunch of stuff....and scored some great things!

There was, much to both our surprise, a lot of pornography.

Like everywhere and in all sorts of different forms. 

We had a lively discussion about how would we navigate a small person through this show? It lead to me asking several of our friends this same question...

How would you deal with a 60foot wall of film stills from a porn movies? or If you saw a poster of an erect penis with condom on it how would you react with little person? Or Hey there was a picture book on display from a gay publisher on leather bondage and play...would you allow the little to see it? Or how would you navigate it?

Some of my favorites:

A tiny book on the many ways of the Potato!

Adorable sweet little book

You can get your own here

I stopped at a booth that had vintage mugshot cards from 1910 or so, and was drooling over them, but we both agreed that $150.00 each was a bit spendy. So I took a photo instead:

There were also vintage first edition art books and photo book publishers

Ephemera from the late 70's/80's punk rock scene...complete with jackets covered in band patches.

Kill your idols/Ginko press booth
note the wall of punk singers!

I also stopped into this bus, as I dream of having an art bus like this.

In it I made a purchase of this Poster:

Poster by Peter Nevins

All in all it was a visual overload day, amazing and fun and I met an oscar nominated person face to face by acting like a dork.

We also saw this person and this person at breakfast.

Lunch had more people watching and then our drive home was quiet.

We were spent. Nap anyone?!

 dinner was Indian take-out and we both fell into a coma like slumber.

Now, now we are adventure people, we are free movers and deep thinkers

I am inspired and have already thought about publishing

 my Infertility show in book form this year, as it will be it's fifth anniversary!

That is inspiring!!

That is hopeful

That is growth!

Adventure Time

Last weekend we ventured into the BIG CITY, I was born there but my hippie parents wanted us to have a memories of  our childhood that contained less cement. 

Instead it was replaced with bullies and heat in the triple digits.

ahhhh adolescence

Imagine their fear and shock when I was selected for an art college in another BIG CITY, telling them that I wanted excitement and adventure. Funds dried up fast and I was never able to attend the college that I had wanted....but that is totally fine because I worked my arse off and ended up sending myself around the world and having adventures of my own choosing.

fantastic signage

So back to my reason for mentioning adventure...

We woke up early and decided to make a weekend of caffeine and art.

We were planned to go to 5 different coffee shops and a day trip.

We went to see a big exhibition on Samurai stuff....

not real horses, but really good models and scary dudes

pretty dragonflies and wheat

"feathers" made from lacquered paper!

it was wild and beautiful and impressive, 

the swords were in another building and it was interesting as well. 

The Barren was like a little kid and we spent a fair bit of time gazing at the details that were several hundreds of years old. This exhibit lead to another, of majestic landscapes and that was kind of boring...and then we entered a third exhibition...I am still haunted by it.

It was a retrospective of an artist and frankly there was no real information anywhere what anything was....so you were disoriented from the beginning. 

We saw a trio of environment makers (fog, snow and rain) accompanying a sculpture that had an active beehive on its face:

this was next to a broken ice rink that was decomposing....and then a rock in a tank of water.

and a wall rubbing with a turtle fossil:

then we saw people coming in and out of a pair of curtains and the guards opened them and we went into a TOTALLY pitch black room, with nothing but "soothing" music and a smoke maker and cube of lights....

it was interesting but the air was stale and I started to not be able to breath, and The Barren was grabbing hold of me sooooo tightly that I think that might have helped restrict my airflow.

we left this room only to enter another that was showing a film, and as I settled onto a bench I saw the saucers of The Barren's eyes and I realized something was amiss...it was the film, it was a monkey wearing a human shaped mask, crawling on the floor...it was terrifying!

another tank was in the middle of the room with lights that made the water inside foggy and then clear....we left this room and passed through another with a film of something being thrown repeatedly...than a final tank that had crabs with Constantin Brancusi’s Sleeping Muse masks attached to them, dragging their overbearing shells across the sandy bottom.

The Barren left the room and the building,..I was still dazed and disoriented...

Apparently we missed the Ibizan hound that wanders the exhibition and the artist who shows up in an illuminated mask in that pitch black room! 

Frankly I think I would have peed myself.

It was like being in a dream, and a david lynch film and something else all together!

Outside I felt like my brain had been electrified and I was on edge....we sat for a little while as we waited for the electricity to dissipate a little.

We visited some of my favorite artworks and I took some fan girl photos next to them.

Lunch was from a food truck and we both got indigestion.

hahaha

cool booth which is now an installed art piece

detail

The city was exciting and a reminder that we are not city dwellers....

We made it home by mid day and proceeded to fall into a deep nap until dinner.

A little more caffeine and we ventured into the night in our hometown.

This adventure was possible because of our ease of movement.

We encountered a lot of parents that looked mellow and handling it all.

Sleeping children and kids with maps looking for their treasure.

 Then there were the others, singing opera in the art exhibition areas....running up and down the city streets, crying and refusing to eat what was being offered.

It was easy to have that moment of "aaah" we can come and go as we please. We can eat when we want, and see what we choose. There was a guilty kind of freedom associated with the day.

Our friends had moved the day before, and we helped only a little bit...and then walked away as their daughters searched for their items in the piles of unorganized goods.

We could do that.

I heard of another infertile that has become pregnant, she is on strict bed-rest for most of her pregnancy. I wish her well and will be interacting with this newest person through family events....but when I heard the news (which is still quite hush hush, so don't tell anyone) 

my first thought was " ugh, I am too tired to think of going through all this again"

I know there will be comparisons to us again...and frankly I am just over it!

I have a big milestone birthday coming up and it is the age of no return in my mind.

I am not going to have kids, it is a matter of fact.

So I am going to live my life as happily as I can now, I am done with sadness and what ifs and maybe if I just try, and if I only....

I am whole, I have a family, I am not at fault.

Soooooo.......

This weekend we are doing another adventure! 

and it includes BOOKS!!

And to all a good night

Thank you everyone for your lovely notes for The Barren....he was most touched.

Sometimes this is a TALL order,
but worth aiming for over and over again.

It has been a whirlwind of changes and stress and work, which is why I have been MIA from this beautiful wonderful place of love and personal growth.

I referred to it as my mourning dress,
as my relationship with ice cream has forever changed

To start with I made it through my gallery shows and this year for the big Warhol-ian event I wore this lovely number, along side new gallery shoes that didn't make my feet hurt at all...strait out of the box even! I sold work for the 5th year in a row...which in itself was a personal goal I gladly met.

I had a funny thing happen to me that has happened every time I met someone of noteworthy status...It gets interrupted or goes amok at that exact moment of introduction. 

Like the universe thinks, nope she doesn't really need to meet this person.

It has happened when I was introducing myself to this personal idol, that I had see give a talk. She actually walked away while I was shaking her hand and introducing myself to her...I finished my introduction by yelling my name across the crowded gallery to her....it was mortifying and I left in a pool of tears...vowing to never mention her name again. 

That was over 10 years ago...clearly I am making slow steps back to saying her name.

It happened again when I worked at a bookstore and I walked up to ask this person if he needed help or had any questions about inventory...except no actual words came out of my mouth instead it was a lovely line of gibberish that made him smirk and I walked away mortified.

Alas, it happened at this last event, except I laughed when I realized what was happening...

As a friend was introducing me to this person, and my hand was extended someone next me put two hands on my arm and physically pushed me out of the way....in such a way that when the friend and person turned back towards me (after motioning to my work on the gallery wall) I had literally disappeared into the sea of people in the gallery...swallowed up. 

I am trying to figure out what the universe is trying to tell me...or if I am just really bad at introductions and I purposefully stumble. 

I'll get back to you on that.

As for changes, The Barren and myself took the week of turkey to turn our whole house upside down!  The motivation started with me having a severe night terror that woke The Barren because I was screaming that someone was at the end of the bed...in his half awaken state he started thrashing and because I can not see without my glasses it made me even more frightened as I was waking and we were both screaming and hitting the air until we were both awake enough to realize nothing was there. None the less it made us think...we need to change shit around and get rid of this. So we burned sage, and hex remover (yep The Barren picked up a jar of the stuff when he was in 

Memphis) We had made a huge list of things we wanted to do in the house and felt that it was monumental to try and do half of the things...turns out we did almost all of them!

It started with repairing the garbage disposal, and then getting rid of a bunch of furniture, and then hacking some ikea stuff and making it into other things and then getting rid of clothes and extra things that we just never thought too much about.

I got rid of childhood things and came to realize that many of the things I was holding onto were for the invisible child we can't share it with...it was a hard real reality but I came to the understanding calmly and consoled myself by say "there is some other child that would love this, I am going to give it to them"

The end result is that our home feels totally different....like a new place.

It doesn't feel sad anymore.

I guess I didn't realize that it felt sad in our house...

in the absence I became aware of the presence.

Now as we slide into the holidays...we are working strait on through them. I have to work on xmas eve and the day after xmas as does The Barren. We have decorated the house and got a little 2ft tree that we placed little resin birds and straw ornaments I got in eastern Europe a decade ago.

We have our menorahs out as well as a Krampus and some Buddhas for good measure.

It feels festive and today a new couch arrived...another on our huge list of things to make us happier.

As the night comes to you, know that I am wishing you a wonderful holiday

I send hugs and love to each of you and wish you a serene, and divine celebration.

xoxox

The Barreness

I Forgot....

I have been in my own head and so I am not here...strangely enough.

I am still in my three times a week practice, eating the cleanest I can 6 days a week and teaching myself what I can about how to navigate this life of mine.

 

It wasn't until I received the annual email asking for my opinion or input on a research study some post graduate is doing on infertility and art therapy did I realize that it was NIAW.

I actually forgot!

Like totally forgot....

 

Last year I was mad and made a pledge to not talk about it, as it really felt that I was preaching the choir. We all know about infertility and how much it hurts and what we don't want people to say to us and what a long and personal road it is to regain our sense of self again....
so why tell each other.

I am waiting to respond to the request...
I am not in a hurry to remind my body and heart about my journey through the fire...
sorry post grad, you are gonna have to wait.

photo by: Arthur Leipzig
 

PLUS it is my birthday week! the actual day is Friday and I am feeling beyond lucky as The Barren swept me up last weekend and took me on an all surprise trip....
He had been planning it for weeks and it is so outside his personality to keep a secret, that all I saw was this as a massive gesture of love.
He gave me the gift of a weekend with him, and to top that, my best friend!
WHAT A GIFT time with your best friend, and hubby and music and junk food and love and time, time time...I was feeling so overwhelmed with love over the weekend
that I kept busting into tears of joy...and gratitude and glee.

I looked nuts and puffy eyed most of the time.
My bestest lives 3/4 of a days drive away and so the gift was HUGE.
We went to a concert, got dressed up and watched people dance, ate spicy indian food, played in the city and ate junk food and groaned and made fart jokes into the night.

Now as I come down, and plan a little thing here so I can share some time with the parents....
I reflect on how much I am growing.
So much in my heart and hopes and life
There was a moment over the weekend as we drove from a drink spot to a junk food spot as midnight approached...a moment when I realized that The Barren and I lead a different life than most...and that it is pretty cool to move so freely and openly. My bestest said it reminded her that she needs to get them out more often and do stuff outside their comfort zone.
One of the many reasons I love her....

 

So I think my darkest hours are becoming memories

I protect them still but understand that they are floating somewhere else now.

I heard that I friend is having a baby, after much trouble and heartbreak and I said out to the universe

" let their home be filled with children"

I am happy here

happy heart