New stress different day

1st shot done!

Yes, I dressed for the event

I have spent the last two and a half weeks helping The Barren with his reaction to the first dose of the vaccine. The Barren gets an asthma response when he gets a chest cold, which is why we locked down so hard and for so long...well The Barren got his fist dose of the vaccine and 36hours later began to wheeze, it has spiraled since and he is currently on an inhaler, allergy medications and antibiotics to fight what is believed to be the beginning of pneumonia. 

(all these things have happened in the past when he has gotten chest colds, too many weekend walk in clinic experiences to count)

Yesterday he was wheezing so badly that we went to a walk in clinic because the wait to see his doctor was two weeks... he had to be seen in an outside room because it all looks like Covid-19 and we don't need to freak people out.

We live in a funky part of town, so while waiting in our outside room, we got to witness a near beatdown between two guys who had "looked at each other too long" and wanted to knock/knife the daylights out of each other. thankfully that didn't manifest.

The doctor yesterday explained that an anaphylaxis response is not uncommon for people with asthma and that his body probably reacted big to the first round and sent it all spinning.

Steroids were added to the menu of pills and the hope is that he will get breathing better in time for the second dose...which has been booked at a four week mark instead of the 3week mark.

The Barren is breathing better so far, thank goodness.

As you can imagine, the upcoming shot has us both on edge and wanting to be battle ready!

This morning I got my first dose of the vaccine, I got the Dolly Parton one.

Now all her songs are stuck in my head.

I dressed up for the shot, wearing a dress I wore the last time we went out in 2020. I also firmly believe that nothing can go wrong if you are wearing a purple piece of clothing. I use to have a pair of grape purple pants, I wore when I wanted to feel assured and strong. So I wore a grape purple dress and bright green sweater this morning...I felt present and brave.

The vaccine site looked like a set from M*A*S*H as it was an office building under renovations, so it was covered in plastic sheeting, bare cement floors and drywall partitions with folding chairs.

It was surreal to say the least.

Got my shot and appointment for the second dose.

I took my photo and then tried to not cry.

I have already taken a nap and I am famished.

I should be fully covered by my fathers birthday and I can finally hug them!!

Something I think is pretty emotional.

Parents are currently fully vaccinated and that has me breathing easier for them and realizing that my relationship has shifted once again.

I had gotten a call last week that my mother went to the clinic because her eye was BLEEDING! and she only went because my brother said it would be a good idea.

She hesitated and when my father sent a photo of her eye I nearly collapsed. I told my mother that she could loose vision and that she should really get an opinion other than her own...she blew me off and at that moment I pondered:

Were my parents always so defiant?

Was it time to step in or was it really time to step back?

I chose to step back.

My mother went to see an eye doctor the following day and they confirmed that nothing was damaged or injured (thank goddess) and that was that.

I waited for them to call me

my step back meant I was not going to call them anymore (at least I was going to try) 

and when they wanted to talk to me I would answer that call and do my best to not stir the pot.

It took three days for them to call me.

(Prior to the virus I spoke to my parents at least twice a day, now it is once every few days.)

This is a BIG adjustment for me; as I see them wanting to chat as acceptance and love. So when it is sluggish it means they are not thinking of me or love me.

It is sick, and insecurity is running the show but, a reality I am working with.

The reality of not being quarantined is a scary one, being around more than two people is scary.

The yoga studio sent out a poll asking if a pre-covid level class filled with fully vaccinated people was something of interest....

I made an appointment to get my hair cut after I am fully vaccinated, I have not been able to get it cut since August of 2019.

Then today the State announced that it plans to be fully open by June!

That scares me too...I am scared of people now it seems.

I am scared that life will mow this all over and forget about what is possible, 

I am scared that things will slingshot back to business as usual...and forget all that is important.

I am scared more often than I am confident.

I need to work on that too...

but, the idea of a thrift store visit is really exciting too and there are people there?!

 

Overgrown

 I've spent the last couple of weeks in online summits.

Art Summits mostly, ones I would have never been able to travel to pre-pandemic, so these online options allowed me to attend demo after discussion by many different artists and see studios all over the world and watch new processes and then rush, triple masked to the one art supply store 40+miles away and purchase new supplies with my squirreled away funds.

I have always loved school and these online events are perfect for the extreme introvert I have become.

I can sit and watch in silence or type questions from behind my on screen name or turn on my mic and ask questions. One of the best parts is that we are a whole community of introverts and socially awkward people all wanting to be together unseen and unbothered.

my people

I also popped into the Chasing Creation's Childless Collective Summit this week.

This was a summit over four days that was crazy organized, beautifully put together and filled with resources for the childless.

It was something I had wished for when I was at the start of my journey into finding who I am now.

I watched some of the recorded presentations and could not help but feel like, well it felt like I felt when I finally read Catcher in the Rye when I was 29...

I am too old of this...I have outgrown this part of me.

I was listening to lectures on navigating pain, 

dealing with conflict

making decisions about ending fertility treatments

Discovering who you are

finding ways to heal

finding a new path.

ALL FANTASTIC and interesting and I encourage you to check it out too...

but I kept saying to The Barren

" I feel like I am past all this now. I am entering menopause, I had to close that door years ago.

I guess I figured out this stuff on my own....I had to"

Time marches on regardless...we all gotta figure out if we want to keep walking or stand still.

In other "Deal with this news..."

Another couple quarantine babies are cooking in two yoga instructors. One appeared while I was in my weekly park yoga class, and seeing her so full with baby; made me want to pack up my mat and run/leave. I guess that part of me will never change. 

I feel like, I have walked into the wrong room and saw something that was forbidden...

It is a visceral reaction, and although I don't even know her, if I could hiss like a character from a bad vampire movie I would, 

before trotting off mumbling under my breath about how she was luminous and so lucky.

The Barren has gotten his first vaccine shot, as he qualifies under "underlying health conditions", I am still waiting my turn, and quite frankly...I am ok doing that. There are a lot of people who should get the shot before me and I recognize that. I also know people who have jumped the line and gotten one ahead of others. 
My parents get their second shot this Thursday and I am happy for them to get it and maybe resume a small social circle of chatting at farmers market with friends, or seeing movies in the theatre again.

My brother has so far decided to not get it, and that makes no sense to me, but I know a lot of people feel this way...so it really comes as no surprise.

2021 has been more like a 2020 version 2.0 for me, nothing surprises me anymore.

I seem to feel like noting can stick to me right now, 

stress washes over me way too easily and I spend evenings sleepless

I awake with panic attacks

I just deal with them...what else is there to do?

I am making things, eating greens, drinking water, meditating, bathing myself....

I am in a holding pattern for sure.

But somewhere, someplace inside, I feel like I'll be able to flee 

run away, and find new things to look at...

Another year-less hair

 

This was that moment when things got …

weird, and downright surreal.

******

We went to The Barren's moms place for a meal for his birthday. We brought lunch and we sat in the backyard, at a table, 6ish feet from each other with our double masks on. 

His mom and her longtime partner have both gotten the first dose of the vaccine, and were a bit more caviler about keeping their masks on the whole time...but thankfully, I am TOTALLY OCD about it and kept mine on which rubbed off on The Barren too and we were safer that way.

I have been giving a gift to his mom for decades on his birthday, a thank you for making the man I love. I call it her birthing day gift. It is usually something small, a token trinket. Mostly just acknowledging her part in the day. She has grown to love it and expect something. (I am totally fine with that!) There are FAR worse things a MIL can expect from her DIL. 

After the meal these two jars were placed on the table, and The Barren was told to pick which ever one he wanted...it was part of his bday gift. My MIL and FIL have begun to grow their own. They were crazy conservative about drugs in the past and this overt, boldness takes a moment or two to adjust to.

They are both engineers by trade and so they are trying to crack the code of dosing edibles and those stories are quite funny. They are trying to make a brownie that is big enough to satisfy their chocolate craving but also not make them so shitfaced that they spend the rest of the day facedown in the couch.

Since cannabis has become legal, it has been a funny transition in our social groups. The parents, who were all hippies, but really pushed hard against their kids using drugs in college are now asking advise about strains and doses. While all us normal stoners, are kind of gobsmacked at their enthusiasm, after receiving so much shit from them for too long.

After the strangeness of the canning jar of pot, the conversation was all about how protected they are now that they have the vaccine. I couldn't help but feel like I was reliving a conversation with a former lover about how he shouldn't have to wear a condom because I was on birth control....maybe it was my own  mindset, but things felt strange and almost funny.

These days things seem off center, tilted and lit strangely.

It feels like I am floating through most days and the repetition of actions is feeling like a movie scene replaying over and over. I wake up, pee and get into yoga clothes, check email for work and personal tasks, then do exercise and then errands, then eat something, try brainstorming, do laundry, do more wall gazing then try and think what to make for dinner and watch tv and clean up dishes, take a bath or shower, maybe have sex and then go to sleep and do it all over again.

What kind of life is it that we are living these days?

Maybe that is why these encounters with backyards and parents is so surreal. Life is downright surreal.

I got my parents appointments to get the vaccine this week, it felt like I had just scored the best concert tickets ever....they were thankful and then my mother said she wanted a different vaccine than what she was scheduled to get. We looked up the data and then I had another half hour call with her explaining how the vaccine works, the effectiveness of this one she is supposed to get and how she might not even have access to the single dose vaccine. It was stressful.

I am stressed out by my parents recently. My shifting role with them and what that looks like. In that daily routine, I would say a good few hours are covered in stress with my parents activities and making sure they are safe and have food in the house and that people are not taking advantage of them. 

(ex: installed solar panels have created leaks in the roof, and the solar company offered them a flat fee to fix it, instead of fix it for them!)

*Sigh*

I am tired, and melancholy and am trying to see a light at the end of this all...

but it is hard.

I daydream of running away, and into the big memories of travels and sunlit days of the past. Laughing more and feeling alive...my actual dreams are dark and sad and scary and i am often left wondering how long it will take to shift into a new direction? 

anyone else feel this fatigue? This shift/tilt of life?

Some go this way...

“Some go this way. Some go that way. But as for me, myself, personally, I prefer the short cut.”

The Cheshire cat 

I thought I would give the rest of the world a peek at what it is like where I live right now.

It occupies much of my mind, and time and takes up a lot of space in my head.

So in many ways I am documenting it here, maybe in hope that it will seem funny after a while.

 via Instagram: Gripster2000

Yes, these are screen captures from my phone and I hope you can forgive my luddite qualities.

My county still has an average of 600+ cases a day and about 20 deaths a day!

We don't have enough vaccines but to inoculate 75+ year olds and medical workers so far.

All appointments are gone, and we get weekly deliveries that are given to the above group...

The governor expanded to allow vaccinating 65+yr olds 

but there is not the inventory to allow that. 

Yesterday our stay at home order was lifted and so outdoor dining is available again starting Friday.

It makes zero sense.

sigh

I continue to stay indoors, taking online classes and attending zoom lectures.

Doing yoga in the living room or studio...

There is rain this week (for the first time since last year) so all my outdoor park classes are canceled.

My father is finally recovering from his surgery, thanks to my mother being a drill sergeant and making sure he does his breathing exercises and walks and sits in places other than the bed.

It was a bumpy road but thankfully, looking better.

I really enjoyed sitting with my mother and waiting for updates about my father. The time highlighted that she is older, and I am older and our time here is fragile and uncertain.

My stress levels during all this have been through the roof, I fear I have massively altered my digestive system and I am now trying to regain control of it.

Do any of you get heartburn or ingestion 6+ hours after eating? 

I am experiencing that, I can not lay flat in bed right now, and 6-8 hours after eating  in the evening I awake with chest or stomach burning....I get up drink water and sit up in bed and then fall back to sleep.

But, MY GOSH this is getting old.

Stress Much lady?!

Okay this post has become quite a bitch fest...

I am understanding that I am the person who reaches out to others...I am that person.

I am a person who enjoys simple pleasures, like a pretty plant or listening to rain or falling asleep on the couch watching tv or reading while hubby strokes my hair or holds my hand.

I love the sight of the sun peeking through the branches of a tree.

I love having vivid dreams and sitting with the visual memories for half a day trying to figure out what it all means.

I love a cup of hot tea and sometimes a cookie

I love the cool air on my face and blankets up to my neck

I love that last week when I left my parents place, I saw my nephew riding his bike with a friend and when I waved and said hello, he said "Love you Auntie" he is 13!

I will take that and wrap it in my softest folds of self and carry it forever.

Exhale bullshit in two parts

So yesterday was a red flag day, rolling blackouts and an official stay at home order.

Normal December day, with temps in the 80's and no rain in sight.

I am working really hard on not seeing this as a twisted version of Russian Doll

wake up, and start only to have the air knocked out of you after the first foot hits the floor.

I have stopped reading the news again...after seeing the ding dong loose over and over in each recount it was all the joy I needed.

The Barren has grown more and more concerned as things are shifting again, and there are people plotting violence and no order from officials about stay at home orders and the virus is spreading at a break neck speed...so he is mentally preparing himself and maybe me in a way, for civil unrest and war.

I continue to try and keep my eye above the ground and be a little afloat in this sea of chaos.

My parents are bored out of their heads, and I am concerned about their mental health as this wears on.

My extended family is a mix of " fuck it " and " I don't think I'll catch it" 

So that is reassuring and has made it so that we barely talk to anyone...

isolating and strange silences.

My MIL called The Barren this past weekend to proclaim that she was not doing anything for Christmas, and that we are to expect nothing from her. There are too many stupid people spreading the virus and she is staying in.

So you know we talk with her still...

My FIL called and spoke to The Barren to share some craft stories and let him know that he is waiting for the vaccine....so we still talk to him.

My SIL (brothers family) maintains hermit status and home schooling and the two teenagers in that house are going loopy from isolation. While the littlest is happy to have so much time with everyone.

The dogs agree.

So you know we still talk to them.

My bestie and family isolated for two weeks after being exposed by extended family who bullied them into a visit with their 90+ yr old grandma.

Thank goddess besties family all wore masks and stayed as distance as they could as after the quarantine and testing they were all negative !! but the extended family were all positive and got sick.

I flirted with the idea of stopping at my local thrift store to take a peek, as I have not been thrifting since March and I miss it A LOT...

but the line of people outside made me drive on and whimper a little.

I have pulled the holiday décor out, and moved the cats from the mantle to a sunny window so I could decorate the mantle with holiday décor to remind us that it is indeed winter, and holiday time and that there is A LOT to be thankful for.

We are still wanting to be married, we still are healthy, we have healthy family and food in our tummy.

**********************

Part two

**********

Solstice morning- hair aglow

I wrote that earlier this month, and now that we are celebrating Solstice I decided to return for some more reflections.

Today's mediation focus was on changing pain, and reflecting on the bright return of the sun.

It was another lovely cool morning in the park, crows over heard cawing and little birds chirping in the grass under the trees.

I love the feel of the cool wind on my forehead and the quiet that soothes the now constant hiss that my ears produce.

I was reading about the confluence of the planets last night and how it is a time of great manifesting.

Thinking bigger than a foundation, bigger than you would normally think...

I have been having a hard time wanting things for myself and career.

I wonder if I deserve them...or if I have earned them.

If it is really too late for me...

but I want it all!

I want to want it passionately again, drive myself hard to see those things...

Imagine big bright goals.

Places far away, father then I had imagined...

I guess this year has made it harder to see things in the future, dreams that were once easy to imagine are now muted with doubts and wonder if I can go far away again.

I will think on my dreams, the ones I can't imagine for myself and maybe something, somehow will manifest for the future.

The stay at home order is in place, but the numbers are still through the roof and most of the area hospitals are near capacity. So I continue to only go and do grocery shopping, and park mediation classes. I drive by first and assess the crowd and if it seems crowded I pass it on to another day.

I made myself a couple new masks, and strip down when I get home changing clothes from outside to my inside clothes.

My father had a follow-up visit to his physician and thankfully took a list of questions I was set to ask to the appointment and learned new things about his headaches:

My father has viral meningitis most likely contracted back in December of last year...

one of the after affects is long term headaches. 

He is experiencing other elements too like:

 being off balance, sleep issues, light sensitivity and bruising.

His medicine, is giving him hand tremors and accelerated short term memory loss and mild hallucinations; things I noticed in his actions.

The physician saw that I wanted to be involved in the appointment but because of the virus only my father and mother could attend the appointment.

My father is most upset about the fact that he has gained weight.

My family has a HORRIBLE relationship with food and body image, 

 his weight gain is forefront in his mind.

I love the image of the Moon being put back to bed...

as nights becoming shorter, the sun waking and starting to shine longer

and the potential of rain in the middle of this transition, 

like tears flowing as one season says goodbye to another.

So I will sit today, reflecting on health

art

love

desires

and 

hopes for the new days ahead.

Exhaling the bullshit 

inhale

exhale

Familiar Heaviness

**another quarantine ramble**

© The-Barreness.blogspot.com

So here we are in December...it has been a month since we said goodbye to our kitty and I still involuntarily check places he would be. I also have heard little sounds around the home at night and while I sit in the studio thinking, I hear him grooming himself in the chair behind me. 

Last night I swear the blankets had a cat on them as they were so heavy when I pulled them up to my chin.

A familiar heaviness.

Maybe that is it, there is a familiar heaviness in the days now.

The long weekend produced over 1600 new cases in my county, and I expect that number to rise even further as the days pass into the new year.

I spoke with the GI about my first colonoscopy and we agreed that me postposing it was safe and I was at a low risk group. The case numbers are climbing too high and I did not want to take medical people away from helping others that are in a much more dire situation than a routine colon screening. 

I am getting one, just not while the covid numbers are climbing.

The Barren and I had a mediocre Thanksgiving, we shopped for food and made different food and I tried a new recipe that ended up being long labored and came out quite boring! So that put me into quite an off mood. The Barren had a similar situation with his planned sides, and the bread didn't rise as it should have so we quietly ate a disappointing meal.

When my brother facetimed me the next day, he recounted a similar situation of making big efforts to make something special and it coming out super disappointing.

SUPER BUZZKILL

When I was cooling down from my mild temper tantrum, I mentioned to The Barren, 

Why is this different? We have been cooking from home since MARCH.

Making food and trying recipes for months....

Why do we think that thanksgiving is different?

We are thankful and present most days, and give to others every month...

Ugh, it was disappointing to watch others travel and visit others...

Tik Tok had families gathered and boasting that they were all infected...

I am so exhausted of the quarantine, 

and being a rule follower.

I am lonely, tired all the time

Pulling myself through daily chores and mediations.

My yoga studio found a loophole and has declared itself a "wellness center"

so they are now teaching indoor classes, and have reduced the park classes. 

So I fill my schedule with pre-recorded videos and go to the park two times a week to practice at 8 ft away in a mask nearby others.

The studio classes are full (10people per class) and filled with 20-30yr olds.

I am not the studios demographic.

It all makes me feel old and "responsible"

(a label I was given in my 20's and I have tried to fight it, but I am; I am responsible)

Thanksgiving weekend also got us to send our holiday cards out...

(responsible)

We had a portrait taken by a photographer I have admired for a decade, she does Ambrotype portraits and we did one for our 18th wedding anniversary and used it as our card this year.

I got a call from my parents last night that it had arrived and that it was "interesting"

which is coded language for " I don't like it"

sigh

I will leave this post of rambling about the mundane on a high note...

I dropped of my artwork to the gallery for the year end big event!

No reception this year, but a lot of buzz as always...

My piece sold in the first 2hours!!

I don't know who bought it, I will inquire later, but I am happy to have that pressure taken off my chest.

A sale means two things:

1. I have a new collector

2. I get invited back the next year to submit again !

Of the 11 years I have been invited I have sold work in 9 of them.

then when I thought that was my high of the day

I posted a drawing I did of a musician playing their instrument and tagged them on social media.

That musician not only commented on the work 

but BOUGHT a different piece of my art from my ETSY shop!!!

I have to admit, I did one heck of a happy dance.

so there was that too.

A roller coaster of emotions.

Much like the fluctuation in temperature from day to day.

Self care and reflection

 

So after a primal scream, deep scary toxic rage , a good long cry, and staying up to 3am to sit and process my feelings...I feel like I am on the other side of my grief from the loss of RBG. 

I am planning and acting.

I am slow on the uptake. Proof being that, today... I decided that I do not need to make political statements in every piece of art I make from here on out. I have nothing to prove to anyone. My actions are my own and I do not have to announce/make public what I do and contribute to make my actions more valid.

I think my shutting down my facebook has highlighted this for me....I spent several hours over a couple of days, manually deleting my history and photos and tags. My page is stripped down to simply my name and I have spent the last two days just taking down information from the things I still want to keep on my radar. Like art groups. My final post was about the loss of RBG and how if you are a woman or know a woman you need to vote and remove the assaulting racist xenophobe and his minions out of office.

I feel set afloat, and quite untethered.

Most recently, like so so many others, I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed and overtaxed emotionally and so in an act of self-care I am focusing my energies on what I hold closest in my heart and plan my actions accordingly.

I enjoy spending time giving, so I am continuing to do that.

I have stepped outside my comfort zone a few times now and it makes me feel better.

Still being sheltered, is getting harder and harder and I was listening to this neurologist on the radio and understood more about a quarantine brain. We need new experiences to allow us to form memories, being in the same place for days on end doesn't allow us to form new memories so it is important to do things that are out of norm; brush your teeth with you less dominate hand, approach a know act from a different direction. If you are driving this could simply mean taking new routes home. 

This adulting thing is becoming a super sucker of fun.

I made an appointment to have my yearly exam with my doctor, I wanted to make sure I would not miss a breast exam or a pap...as this might be harder to come by as we approach November. I have broken my appointments up into several days, to see if that helps reduce my white coat. 

Although...since making the annual appointment I have thought more about my weight than I have all year, and that is a direct reflection on my fear of hearing my doctor tell me I need to loose 5 more pounds to fit on her BMI chart. So maybe it is just my fear of disappointing her, how fucked is that!

I am constantly checking off a list of things in my mind, did I eat this than make sure to do that, make sure you are drinking enough water, not too much caffeine, take your vitamins, YOU FORGOT to take your vitamins, if you mix this with that it is wrong, you are wrong...you messed it up...she is going to tell you how wrong you did this or that...you need to still do this or that...

Anyone see "The Good Place" the above is quite similar to a rant on the show...I  actually got tearful when I realized it.

My dentist can wait - I don't need any guilt from them either.

Has anyone else felt this way about their doctors, post infertility treatments/care? It feels like I want all the other parts of me running without notice (perfectly) so that the drama or the fear of a doctor is abated....I must be nuts...doctors are there to fix, maybe they will always find something wrong regardless of the patients input of efforts?!

I know this entry is mixed up and upside down...so is everything else in this world!

Molehill

 

I tried something new last week.
I did my meditation practice in the park, 

with my teacher and other students, 
at a social distance+, 

while wearing a mask the whole time.

It was a nice change, and something I am going to try and do again this week.

I watched the sun come up

I sat on my mat while bits of green pine cone rained down on me

from the tree and the squirrels eating above.

It was a lovely change.

After class a student that is always in virtual class came up to me and we chatted for a little while.

I was awkward from isolation

spoke in fits and starts

but it was nice to meet someone new!

This same day, we had a mandatory 4 hour power outage at home.

It was planned and I had gotten ice for our perishables.

(this is the foreshadowing part)

The power ended up only being out for a little over an hour...

but...The Barren had taken the day off.

We spent the day fighting the current heatwave.

We don't have AC, and so the fans were on and we were laying (literally) low.

Later that day, I realized

I forgot the ice in the coolers and it leaked all over the  living room floor.

As the week went on, our fridge seemed warmer than normal,

but I simply figured the heat wave made me want everything cold cold...

so I turned the temp down further.

By Thursday, The Barrens' stress level from work was through the roof-

I was giving him personal space and quiet.

except for when we called to wish 

Our niece happy 7th birthday wishes. 

 This same day, my state had registered over 500 individual active fires.

Many started by lightning, and with our decade long drought it was easy to ignite.

The smoke is starting to bellow all over the state and so we close all the windows and doors, 

so as to not get sick from the air.

Then...

My father called with an update from his recheck with his neurologist 

and was this time diagnosed with 

Hemicrainia Continua

and had stopped his prescribed steroids (for a "viral infection" in his brain)

 and was prescribed an anti-seizure med 
(ironically the same med my cat is on)

He gave me bits and pieces about the visit, peppering in his "toxic positivity" over it all.

When I asked a few questions about the visit, my mother was handed the phone and 

I could hear her voice shake as she mentioned her fear

from witnessing memory loss and balance issues she was seeing in my father.

I did my best to let her know I heard her, and that I thought it was a really good idea to mention these things to my fathers primary doctor. Fear of addressing them was not going to do any good.

I phoned my brother and told him we need to sit down and have a super sucky conversation about our parents and where our lines of involvement are.

I felt like the big sister again, and I could hear in his voice my little brother.

It was terrible.

Meanwhile the old man cat, is miserable from the heat and is lying around looking dead.

Like, have to check he is breathing, looking dead!

Then we had two small earthquakes 

and when I got up to get myself a glass of water.

I realized nothing was cold in the fridge but everything was still frozen in the freezer.

I started to spin., and the room was getting dark.

(I had gone shopping on Sunday before the outage and the new food was bad or going bad)

At this point, 

I was just able to vocalize to the stressed out Barren, before I shut down, that I was:

" really really stressed"

I don't think I spoke the rest of the day.

I sat and watched TV and went to bed to stare at the mountain of laundry 

that had formed in the corner of our bedroom.

Yesterday night, we went and bought a new fridge.

We should get it sometime in the next week, ideally.

Turns out everyone is sold out of fridges and with the heatwave and rolling blackouts

and fires and earthquakes and a virus that is still killing thousands...

things are a little backed up.

So how is your week going?

Twisted

I have been keeping up with my home yoga practice.

Many days it is like pulling myself through taffy, other days it is total joy.

This practice is healthy for me, as things are upside down in my country.

I am ashamed, angry, heartbroken and yet still hopeful.

I have begun a re-education of myself and some days it feels as though 

I am studying for a huge exam. 

I am learning to understand where and how my white privilege has benefited me.

I am understanding how many of my brothers and sisters have been denied opportunities and treated differently because of the color of their skin.

I am not talking about simple understanding; I am trying to understand the depth that white supremacy has taken a hold and been a part of culture here in the US.

The scary stuff, the hard stuff....the deep understanding of what I don't see and why.

Example one:

I am a hippy kid, a child that was raised in a multicultural neighborhood.

I had friends from all backgrounds and my mother made a point that we 

be "color blind".

I realize that was a mistake now, that by not seeing the beautiful color of my friends, 

I overlooked/ did not acknowledge, the beauty of their skin and missed out on their cultures.

I am looking into my fears and prejudices and trying to understand where they come from and if they are from trauma or outside influences.

It is hard work, but I know the hard work needs to be done to make big changes.

For myself, my relationships and our future.

I was exhausted and was watching Former President Obama speak in a town hall. When he came on the screen, I felt my whole body relax....like the safety of a familiar friend had arrived.

Then, I listened to Dr. Bernice A. King speak and say:

" don't be afraid to make mistakes"

I am feeling the responsibility of the world,

a frantic need to understand everything from everything all at once...

these words made me feel a little better.

In my readings I have discovered so many beautiful wonderful non-profits.

Amazing artists, beautiful poets and writers.

Activists and support systems.

It has been a supreme enlightening, like turning a page in a story and discovering so many new treasures just around the corner.

Even on my meager income, I am thrilled to become a donor to a number of groups.

We are attending a peaceful protest rally tomorrow.

I am looking forward to it.

Masks, glasses and social distancing in place.

We are starting with "parading" which is driving around the protesters with signs of support..
then if it appears safe for us to join the crowd*...we will.

*There are new cases and deaths from the virus every day in my town. Two weeks ago my city was one of the first in our state to open up patio dining, beaches and parks... and so floods of people from larger cities descended into our little beach town....ignoring many precautions.

I am working on so many things right now mentally.

I am trying to be an artist and create things,
but have found that the pressure for an artistic response about:
 the virus 

the Black Lives Movement

the isolation

the loneliness

has made creating impossible for me.
During meditation the other day I came to understand that...

I don't think I have processed it all or enough yet to create a response yet.

I am recalling Elizabeth Gilbert's Ted Talk about the "Elusive Creative Genius"
and taking heart in it.

So I am starting back at square one and beginning my walk again.

What is important to me

What brings me joy

what do I love to do?!

I am ready to twist myself into whatever shape I am suppose to be.

Alone with my rants

I think the isolation in starting to get to me.

I am sleepy a lot and not really feeling creative.

I have taken to making more masks. 

I had to stop last month because I made my neck spasm from looking down 

at the sewing machine and ironing board.

© The-Barreness.blogspot.com

When I finally stopped I had made close to 90 masks for family and friends.

This time I am breaking up the parts and so far it has protected my neck.

I am up to about 25

I am hoping to sell some...my other job is non-existent even after installing a remote desktop to try and capture anything that might fall through the cracks.

***

Silly rant to follow

***

I am cleaning/tidying up a lot too.

It seems to have totally fallen onto my shoulders.

I cook 90% of the meals, clean, do laundry and the shopping.

I think it is starting to become too much,

I test the waters every once in a while to see what would happen if I didn't stop in the studio and dinner time arrives...it arrives and then I am asked what I was thinking of making...and then I end up stopping and making and cleaning up dinner.

The Barren has taken to baking bread regularly and often I end up cleaning up after that too.

After dinner my dishes are collected and then I find them stacked on the counter, left for cleaning.

I clean them as I find a full sink in the morning massively distracting...

so I am trying to perform an act of kindness for myself.

I am not going to complain about it as I figure it would only leave to an argument and I don't want that energy in the house.

OK rant over...a rant about silly things!

***

-Second rant-

I went to pick up online orders for groceries yesterday. It was a warm day, and I was SHOCKED by how crowded the beach was, the streets were filled with people.

I mean I guess as Americans, just like all the memes I've seen:

we got tired of the virus, so it simply does not exists anymore.

As a rule follower, I am short circuited, by this.

I see new cases every day in my county, and there was a rise two weeks after Easter, and now I expect there to be another two weeks from now.

People have died locally, and still so so so so many people ignore the request to wear a mask.

It is still "suggested" that you wear one.

***

Onto Uterus news:

I made some gifts for two baby showers that are coming up.

I made them and then made sure to get them out of the house ASAP

I didn't mind making the burp cloths and printed onesies, 

but my gosh, I could not have them stay here.

Virtual baby showers!

I mean is this a new hell...??!!

I normally do not go to showers...that is my no-go line in the sand, but

The Barren RSVP'd that we would attend a virtual one...so I am going to a baby shower.

OMFG

I am thankful that it is just us in the home.

We have a small place and the idea that a kiddo would be here too pacing and trying to do school and be occupied is a scenario I can not imagine.

So in that regard, yeah for being Barren.

Also my period is 26 days late so far...

Aside from a pandemic, it appears that I have officially kicked open the peri-menopausal door

I feel a little shaky mentally

I am taking everything slowly...and methodically 

I guess I am grieving the loss of what was, and realizing that it will be a long time before I can go to art shows, or galleries or museums.

It will be a long time before things seem like a new normal.

Maybe it will never be a new normal.

I am just kind of lost for an anchor of okay.

My yoga studio is moving to streaming classes next week...

that might be closer to like being social kind of...

it all feels off.

I do hope you are all feeling less lost and shaky.

Half a century

I chickened out and stayed away from my parents home.

It broke my heart, but I understand that even if we never got near each other it was a risk I was not willing to take in their health or ours.

So I had a Facetime call with them followed by a zoom call with some friends.

I had sent out invitations to join the call and half way through got self conscience and stopped emailing peeps and then with the gentle nudge of The Barren, 

I sent it out like a crazy shotgun blast to a bunch of people.

Everyone said they would attend and then I freaked out again....

but like parties of the past, not everyone showed up, which was fine.

I did my hair and wore something other than a sweatshirt...and had a pre-meeting freak-out about how everyone was going to be looking at me and I suddenly looked like a tired old woman.

I moved the ipad and swallowed my pride and got on camera.

It was lovely..and SUPER SURREAL!!

I offered my homemade cupcakes to the crowd...

my brother had made a snack tray and had nibbles on camera at his home, 

a neighbor couple wore green mustaches, 

another couple of people had glasses of wine, a cousin showed off her new baby chicks. 

We took tours of each others living rooms and yards.

Then something absolutely humbling happened....

everyone started to show off artwork they had of mine.

I was floored and so deeply touched!

I mean really touched and humbled.

Someone suggested they sing happy birthday 

and the song sounded like it was being sung in a round...which was super funny.

When the call ended I took a shower and fell into a nap!

Two days later I got a gift delivered from a painter friend.

I had sat for her in 2013 while she explored options for a portrait project.

She gifted me the study she did of me.

It is a good likeness of me and I sent a photo of me next to the painting to her 

and she posted it on social media.

I feel like I need a manor home to hang a portrait of myself, it seems very Georgian.

Today I received another gift from another painter friend of poppies.

She said that I came into her mind when she was making it and felt I should have it.

50 is full of surprises so far

It was not what I thought it would be, or how I thought it would be celebrated.

It felt nice to do something with my hair and "dress up" 

It was fun to make myself a birthday cake

and have a local bakery deliver cupcakes to my parents so we could still do our annual birthday cake for breakfast together (apart)

I could actually feel my heart refueling from the love that was shared with me on my group call.

Never mind the high level of anxiety, I was aware of the feeling and took a moment to feel it all and soak it in.

I am thankful for that!

Busy time

Snail feeding continues

We are about to finish week three in quarantine:

I survived my cycle, and it was "kind of no big deal" 

and it marked one year off birth control.

I made myself period cookies and charged kisses 

from The Barren if he wanted one.

I got a lot of kisses.

The Barren is working long stressful hours at work, as the learning curve

 for his department is almost 90* straight up...

but there is progress every day.

His company announced that everyone will be working from home 

for the unforeseeable future.

There will be no new hires, no promotions and no wage increases.

Everyone is still employed.

***Good news***

I on the other hand, am still trying to figure out how to make a buck or two.

I want to promote a sale on social media, but I feel guilty about it...and so I seem to find reasons to not do it. Would it be uncool to offer art at discounted prices??

I have not hit the portion of this alone time where I clean like a mad person.

I like the idea but, when I think of doing it, I think I could be doing this other thing instead...

hahahaha

I am not a domestic person, but I have become a full time cook and laundry lady.

I am averaging one trip out of the house a week...

this last week was farmers market and the health food store.

It was surreal and I started to wonder 

Will what we remember of society ever be again?!

I awoke this morning from another strange night of sleep, or a sleep-like night.

My dream was that I was photographing for an architectural firm, starting with taking head-shots

and then moving onto a series of stock images for them...but I kept hearing people whisper about me and how I had dirty clothes on.

I was smiling and keeping it all professional the whole time and then someone said to me, 

"you do know that your shirt is stained in back and that you have blood on the back of your skirt!"

I looked down at my beige mini skirt and turned the fabric around, 

and saw that there was blood oxidizing on it and I was confused.

then I woke up saying

" well that is really disappointing"

So how are you sleeping?!

I think the distance is starting to weigh on me and my heart.

This is the longest I have not seen my parents, or brother since traveling many years ago.

I speak with them daily, and have encouraged them to call via facetime...but a traditional phone call seems most comfortable for them.

I am feeling sad I guess.

I have food, a home, clothes and I am healthy.

My close family is healthy, they are fed and safe.

For all that, I am happy.

I guess my heart hurts a little today.

I am acknowledging it and letting it move through me.

That is the healthy thing to do.

I might watch some more youtube videos of people 

walking though the great museums of Europe 

and wonder if I will ever be able to see them again.

what are you doing in your lockdown?

Meanwhile...

With very few exceptions (one farmers market run, one grocery store)  I have stayed indoors, 

at home since the 15th of March.

My yoga studio has been creating videos so that we can continue to practice at home.

I have been doing classes. I find that I get lazy at home and 

it makes home practice a true challenge for me, 

which is why my practice at a studio was so important.

I am doing classes daily, but they are different and I tend to not push myself.

I continue to be the go-getter for the home. 

The Barren is still employed thankfully, and our kitchen has become his office Monday-Friday.

His whole company went virtual on the 13th at 5pm...which is wonderful because they have offices all over the world. So every office community is now safer because of it.

My job has stopped, as has my income, which was a trickle to begin with...

I have items on EBAY, and Etsy but nothing has moved in a long time.

I am trying to not think about how I have no income

*stay calm*

I am quite emotional today for some reason.

Hubby thinks that the isolation is starting to get to me....

but the real thing that is starting to get to me is the expectations!

I am an artist that now has every hour of the day available to make work, 

meaningful work, important work...and lots of it!

I am not able to focus.

I have work in progress, but I seem unable to turn my attention to it.

All the shows my art was suppose to be in have been cancelled.

I have no venues to show my work in.

* breathing, thankful breathes, to be breathing *

I have two other artist women that text a couple times a week to report on all the work they are doing.

all the paintings they are working on and completing.

How it is like they are preparing for a solo show, work and ideas flowing like rivers!

I scanned a vintage photo from my collection and have drawn it 

over and over and painted it different each time, here are the first two.

I am trying but...I am not a painter

Meanwhile, I am carving little stamps and make hand-stamped postcards for people.

(until the postage I have here at home has run out)

Love bombs, that make me feel a little better imagining my niece getting a card she can color in the mail...or the great-grandma on lock-down getting a little love note from a stranger.

In an effort to escape from myself this morning, I watched YouTube videos of a random person walking through major museums...just to remember what it was like to walk those halls in my past.

I was weepy and wouldn't make eye contact with The Barren.

Favorite quarantine activity:

I have been feeding the snails on my patio and learned that: 

they do not like carrot greens but do love

lettuce, kale and my potted plants.

I hope that this miserable post finds you all healthy

beautifully sane

and maybe still a little hopeful

Pacing and Crying

So last week I woke up and said, I should get a few things in case this changes.

The Barren and I made a list and I headed out to the shop to get what we needed.

It was way way harder than that.

I arrived to a shop that has bulk bins, as we are trying to reduce packaging in our lives.

I was greeted by chaos, and empty shelves and dazed people.

Some were just trying to do their weekly shopping but the others were stock piling!

I stood in line and bought some of the items we were looking for.

I made a second stop at a health food store to pick up some of the other items then came home and took a nap. On waking up I headed to the traditional grocery store to see if there was any dried pasta or sauce...insanity there too, people buying frozen pizza and hungry man tv dinners.

I picked up some fresh produce and pasta....thankfully there were loads of pre-made vegan options available.

The Barren and I went to the Indian market on Saturday and got a bag or rice and lentils and spices.

the owner is a wonderful lady who was OVERWHELMED by people buying ALL the rice.

It is like something from a movie

I went to work (it is myself and my brother) on Sunday to avoid people. 

I asked him how and when were we educated on what to buy in case the world has a pandemic? 

I went out yesterday to get medicine for the cat and pick up eggs for The Barren...

no luck on the eggs.

I awoke from a panic attack this morning and face-timed my brother...

we were both in bed and he showed me my nephew putting together this lego set that he finally was able to get from Christmas (he had to earn it in no attitude and such)

I then called my parents in tears, telling them that if they make bad choices, and end up in the hospital I won't be able to see them.

My father has taken this all as a personal insult and it fighting all real logic with toxic positivity.

He heard my tears and made promises, the last time I did this was when he didn't tell anyone he was having chest pains for a couple days.

I think I screamed at him then ...

So this is the normal here.

Hubby and I are getting along ok, and he is working from the kitchen table and so his ability to walk away from work at the end of the day is harder now...

I hope this weekend we will have some change, maybe a walk outside.

Oh- we are suppose to go to Farmers Market on Saturday morning in hopes to get eggs.

and more fresh veggies.

I am trying to suppress my panic at not making any money right now

 and wondering how I might pay bills...

I don't have to get political to express my disappointment at not knowing what is going on.

Being frustrated that my town doesn't have enough test kits or swabs to test people with.

I keep hearing that our food supply is stable, but just got word from a neighbor who went out that there are empty shelves and no paper products to be had.

The Barren is flirting with a bidet attachment for the toilet now.

I am fine with that.

It feels like I was blindsided by this all...and the more I dip my toe into the news

the more horrible it is, and so so so sad.

This all feels like a movie

I am floating in this horrible movie that I never wanted to see.

I am scared and unsure what to do to make this upturned ship right itself.

I assume we all feel like this though 

and there is a sense of comfort in that too.

kind of

invisible

I see colors when I close my eyes.

I first noticed it in meditation class and it was a wonderful illumination for me.

Ideas flow and colors are beacons of emotions.

No one else can see the colors I see when I close my eyes;

They are invisible to everyone else.

I had a massage last week and mentioned to the therapist that 

I see a particular color when she works on my back.

She made a comment on what a lovely color it was and 

mentioned that another one of her clients, sees gold when she has her feet massaged.

It unfazed her and I was validated and understood.

It was no surprise or a weirdness to her.
*sigh*

I am finding that invisibility seems to be a reoccurring theme as of late.
I feel unseen for the most part...able to pass through the day unnoticed, or forgotten.
When the feeling floods me, I tend to send out love notes to friends.
Either by text or actual cards in the mail.
I send notes of encouragement
notes of love
notes to simply tell a person they are held in high regard
notes of strength to act as floats;hoping to keep your head above water
I send notes that say Hi I am checking in on you

For the most part these are not really acknowledged.
Like my notes become invisible once I drop them into the postbox.

I continue to send them despite the lack of response.
I believe that no matter what, kindness matters.
I send them because I want to, not that I expect a response.
(but isn't it nice to know they found their person?)

The Barren keeps asking what I want to do to celebrate my upcoming birthday.
I turn 50 this year...
a number I am still baffled at, but a number that designates
how many times I have spun around that glorious ball of burning gas in the sky.

I come up empty each time he asks.
Shrinking from embarrassment.
As much as I know how much this frustrates him, I have no ideas.
He keeps asking if I want a party?
I would love a party...but
Honestly, the first thing that comes to mind is " who would come? "
I could invite all those people I send love notes to,
but I am really scared no one would show up.
It would simply highlight how untangled I am among the people I know.

We've thrown parties before where everyone who says they are coming,
 calls the day of the party and tells us they can't make it...
leaving us with a table full of food and us in our PJ's dazed as to what happened.

I continue to try and reach out to people I meet at the yoga studio or in life
but keep coming up "hot potato-ed"

I know this sounds like a pity party...but I am really struggling to crack this code.
What do you do for your birthday if you are without people you spend time with?

My bestie lives a days drive away, and we have hopes to meet somewhere
half-way this year for a weekend girl getaway.
(that is something to be excited about)

I want to help hubby
Maybe if we simply go to a park and set out a picnic,
and if no one shows it would still be a nice day in a park with snacks
and not hurt as much as it feels right now.

Does anyone out there feel invisible?