Shifting mindscape

 The new year has arrived and with it all the stress and terror about what these next few years will unfold and release. So many unknowns and fears and realities. 

It is like one thing after another, so surreal and so hard to really wrap my brain around...

I read somewhere during quarantine that the human brain wasn't designed/built to handle this many stressful events. I try and say that to myself when I am faced with a 4foot thick wall of stress and anxiousness and fear. 

"I am not going to be able to manage all this into a neat orderly situation that I can fix"

I have found my time out in public is feeling more feral. I don't reach out to talk to people unprompted anymore. I purposely don't make eye contact with people, especially men; and when engaged I stare strait into their eyes with a "don't fuck with me, I don't trust you" energy.

I am feeling so many feelings and not quite sure how to process them anymore.

I fear I am not preparing "right" for all these new unknowable's, and unimaginable scenarios. I have stocked up on a few women's healthcare supplies, just in case. Our little bit of savings are being managed by professionals, I have asked my doctor about my medicines and if the medical system changed...he assured me that the medicine I am taking or would change to is currently manufactured and readily available. (not totally convinced but I can't manage everything) I think my glasses are next on the list to upgrade before too late here. I am trying to secure me, as being a woman in the US now has some potential real changes. It is hard to imagine this...like beyond unreal.

And right on cue, Mother Nature shows us all that nothing is okay and has started some of the largest and most horrible fires that my state has seen in a while. Soooo sooo much loss.

My fire app is sending notices every hour it seems, new fires are everywhere.

I sit here and wonder, stare and dissociate.

*****

In an effort to flip my mind in a new way and not cement those neuropathways...

I made an impulsive decision last week to buy tickets to a small circus that was visiting our town. I drove by the tent for a couple weeks on my way to predawn yoga, the lights of the tent glowed in such a magical way. I had The Barren make a detour one night so I could try and take a couple pinhole photos. Then Friday last week while I sat in the car at 5:45 in the morning, I bought tickets to see the show. I splurged and got the VIP tickets so we could sit as close as possible. Thankfully DH knew I was trying to self soothe and went along with me with zero hesitation. As I stepped out of the car it was like I let go of all my sadness, and forced myself to just embrace my childhood glee. I cheered loudly at the preshow performances and just about burst into tears with joy as I walked past the ring leader standing on a box playing the song from Amelie on the accordion, at the entrance into the tent.

It was an old style Italian circus; there were dropped juggling pins, kids freaking out, a horse that stood its ground and a single clown who ended up sitting on my lap! Simply put, it was charming and well worth the time.

My face hurt from smiling and my muscles behind my ears clenched from so must laughing. The jokes were corny and predictable but I didn't care. I had taken off my airs when I left the car and thought, this is what a moment of joy feels like, embrace it.

It was magic and I was thankful I had that little voice tell me to do it.

My world has shifted for sure, it has radically changed me and the way I see the once amazing world that surrounded me. I am grateful that I wake up each day, and I continue to choose to fight the urge to go with the flow. I work everyday with maintaining my calm and processing unaccounted for things and situations. It is sometimes a real struggle.

I am thankful I have a home, a loving partner and a couple friends.

I am thankful that my body continues to show up for me and my family both chosen and blood related is relatively healthy.

I don't know how I could have raised a kind little person through these times...I fear I might not have been able to show up for them in the best way.

I guess I need to just start small again, and just keep showing up for myself

I hope that all of you can keep doing that too.

Busy time

Snail feeding continues

We are about to finish week three in quarantine:

I survived my cycle, and it was "kind of no big deal" 

and it marked one year off birth control.

I made myself period cookies and charged kisses 

from The Barren if he wanted one.

I got a lot of kisses.

The Barren is working long stressful hours at work, as the learning curve

 for his department is almost 90* straight up...

but there is progress every day.

His company announced that everyone will be working from home 

for the unforeseeable future.

There will be no new hires, no promotions and no wage increases.

Everyone is still employed.

***Good news***

I on the other hand, am still trying to figure out how to make a buck or two.

I want to promote a sale on social media, but I feel guilty about it...and so I seem to find reasons to not do it. Would it be uncool to offer art at discounted prices??

I have not hit the portion of this alone time where I clean like a mad person.

I like the idea but, when I think of doing it, I think I could be doing this other thing instead...

hahahaha

I am not a domestic person, but I have become a full time cook and laundry lady.

I am averaging one trip out of the house a week...

this last week was farmers market and the health food store.

It was surreal and I started to wonder 

Will what we remember of society ever be again?!

I awoke this morning from another strange night of sleep, or a sleep-like night.

My dream was that I was photographing for an architectural firm, starting with taking head-shots

and then moving onto a series of stock images for them...but I kept hearing people whisper about me and how I had dirty clothes on.

I was smiling and keeping it all professional the whole time and then someone said to me, 

"you do know that your shirt is stained in back and that you have blood on the back of your skirt!"

I looked down at my beige mini skirt and turned the fabric around, 

and saw that there was blood oxidizing on it and I was confused.

then I woke up saying

" well that is really disappointing"

So how are you sleeping?!

I think the distance is starting to weigh on me and my heart.

This is the longest I have not seen my parents, or brother since traveling many years ago.

I speak with them daily, and have encouraged them to call via facetime...but a traditional phone call seems most comfortable for them.

I am feeling sad I guess.

I have food, a home, clothes and I am healthy.

My close family is healthy, they are fed and safe.

For all that, I am happy.

I guess my heart hurts a little today.

I am acknowledging it and letting it move through me.

That is the healthy thing to do.

I might watch some more youtube videos of people 

walking though the great museums of Europe 

and wonder if I will ever be able to see them again.

what are you doing in your lockdown?

Last moon cycle of the decade

I have had my final cycle in this decade...it was early and unremarkable.

 I am a full moon bleeder and thanks to my bestie for pointing it out, a gift from the Goddess!

I had a whole other perspective on it when she said that!

I like to mark time with connections and this December on the full moon I had my period for this last time this decade. that seemed magical or special in some way.

I had vivid dreams about lost loves and mazes...

I moved slowly through the air, and space.

I spent the beginning of November taking family photos for friends that wanted images in time for Christmas cards and kids graduation from school...four weekends of time...four different locations

two toddlers, two teenagers and four adults trying desperately to keep up appearances.

I had fun, but was exhausted

I in fact, was taking photos of the toddler with the name I had picked out for my never to be born baby...that was surreal to say their name so many times...but the more I said it, the less personal it felt. I could feel myself moving farther and farther away from the emotional connection to the name. For that I am thankful and proud 

that I am able to still grow in a healthy way around that hole of hope.

The Barren and I both got a violent stomach thing, that had us on what felt like deaths door...

but we stuck together and got better, 

and I really never want to make soup in the soup-pot I barfed into.

no matter how many times I bleach it.

I had a coffee date with my pelvic ultrasound tech; because although she has seen my vagina and we know each other in a vastly different way, we like each other and it seemed like a natural way to simply connect with another woman. I had a nice time and it was refreshing to have a coffee date and chat about trees and hobbies and giggle a little.

The final exhibition of the year has begun and the art was previewed online two days before the doors opened for the reception...one of my two pieces sold in the first two hours of the preview day! 

I am also the only person selected to have two pieces in the exhibition that is not represented by the gallery...and as thrilling as that is, it is also a lot of pressure to sell the two works and "earn my special place" in the show....so that is a little bit of a mixed bag....

I was invited by the curator, to join a group of fellow women artists ahead of reception for a cocktail and it was amazing! I had such a lovely time, once again hearing funny stories of past loves and wild times. I felt like a grown ass woman and not someone that was coddled or tiptoed around.

One of my longest art friends and painter who is loved locally, attended the cocktail party but not the reception because she did not want to answer the " how are you" question over and over again. She was recovering from major surgery to remove a tumor that was found in her lung. She was diagnosed with lung cancer. (crazy healthy person, non smoker, total surprise) ..and kept it all quiet (continues to) and was kind enough to share it with me before the cocktail hour. She was concerned about ruining my night...I thanked her for trusting me with this and I was thankful that she shared it with me. Her closest painting partner was a train-wreck, wanting to fix and help but being held at arms distance...so I gave her extra hugs and smiles and told her that I was strong enough to carry whatever she needed.

It has been quite a mixed bag as the year winds out, 

I am mostly thankful with moments of darkness...

I am aware of mortality more often than any other time in my life so far.

I am massively in love with my husband...

thankful for my bestie, and family (even though they drive me nuts)

It is my favorite time of year, 

as I rise before the sun and come home as it is setting...

so I get to enjoy the magic of those moments of life.

I was sent this photo the other day....

that brick wall is the wall, that will display three of my large artworks in the new (still to open) hotel

it gave me a little thrill...

and hope that I might be able to do that again!

*****

I hope that you all find a moment of hope, maybe even just for that day

or dream of a whole life with more hope and freedom from sadness

I wish cold nights lead to magical dreams and sweet slumber that soothes your soul

xo

The Barreness

Resurface your skin

Thankfully, my unplugging is helping.

Another massive tragedy has hit my town and everyone is reeling and tender.

This came after I was scrolling the local paper for events for the extended weekend and found a mugshot of a man that was often our waiter at a local restaurant. 

In our interactions with him; he was kind, remembered us every-time we visited and had the kind of polite manners I remember we all were suppose to have as kids.

He was arrested for stabbing to death two people he knew. 

I think I am still in total shock about that too.

Then, like a morbid cherry on a fucked sundae, 

 I read about a friend (peer) that I use to work with loosing her husband unexpectedly in his sleep.

I have been doing yoga, 

working in the studio and making meals.

The Barren and I have been spending quiet time together 

and talking about all the scary reality that is hitting us all at the same time.

Parents aging and acting older

What do we want with our lives as we head into older years

Watching kids/nephews/nieces/ godchildren grow

facing responsibilities and taking care of our bodies

it all really sucks

I long for those carefree days of naive bliss

I read somewhere that to help maintain your mental cracks

when you are feeling depressed

overwhelmed and under-prepared

start with thinking about how you want to feel.

It seems quite patronizing but in my mind...I make it into an image.

I imagine a beautiful sun filtered field, butterflies flickering above the tall grass

a soothing breeze and the calm that comes from stepping into that image.

It has been helping me direct the overwhelming feelings into a space I can breathe again in.

I hope that the world has not overtaken you dear warriors

We have been walked over by hopes way too many times already.

Please try and fight to seize the joy that is still yours.

And the winner is.....

ME!!!

I spent a half an hour crying and laughing before I could even call The Barren at work.
All I did was take a photo of my computer screen and send it to him....
My hands were shaking, I was not able to speak....

The cats freaked out thinking I was in pain or something.

I am still quite in shock and working very hard on sharing this award with pride 

and I keep telling myself that it is not arrogant.

I worked very hard for this and my work was recognized by a panel of professional peers

and I got some money too!
I won the creative process award, perfectly suited for what I submitted.

The magic of disco lifted and kept my mood elevated most of the day and when I finally found the information it was a HUGE shock and wonderful moment.

The Barren says I need to sit and stew in this...live and love the feeling and like Elmer J Fudd, repeat my well earned and happy mantra:

"I am an internationally awarded artist"

Waiting

So I entered and was selected in the top 11 of a BIG art competition...

there were over 260 entries from over 48 countries and my work made the top 11!

From this amazing small group, there will be 3 awards (two of which are cash)

and this award is being announced in the next hour!

I am not at this award ceremony as I live 1000's of miles away and it was not something I could swing both in time and money.

So I sit and wait for an email or a social media announcement....

wait and wait

and wait

and distract myself

I was so anxious yesterday after seeing the first images from the exhibition that I bought a vintage dress....I have a problem with that...I get SUPER anxious and in an effort to self sooth I put something on my credit card that I think will make me feel better.

Sometimes it is going to the plant nursery and getting too many plants for our small home. Sometimes it is vintage dresses...that I adore and wear.

*** talk about kiddos***

Last week we hosted our nephew...he is 10

and between you and me I am closest with him, over the other two nephews and two nieces.

He is a middle kid and so The Barren and I have made an effort to make sure he get one on one time.

Away from the chaos of his sisters and family.

This last time we played music and sang along to Queen and RUSH songs.

He wanted to learn how to play D&D because his uncle played the game and he wanted to play with him....I think this made The Barren melt and feel so very loved by his nephew.

He refereed to me as the "snuggle Auntie"

A Dream come true! and quite frankly, a personal goal.

We watched super hero movies, played at the pool, and the top of the mini vacation sundae was him diving deep into a Calvin and Hobbs comic book I got for him a few years ago 

that is now a perfect fit!

I think this waiting game is old school

I think we are so well trained in the art of waiting...

wait for your period

wait for results

wait for the egg

wait for doctor to show up

wait on your vacation

wait to see

This is all good mind you...I am happy about this wait

I submitted my best version of my work

I am in the top 11

I am exhibiting internationally

I am excited

and scared

and ready for an answer 💓

Unleashing

I saw this today and thought

"My gawd I love this woman"

I am working on unleashing this woman;

she lives inside me and I seem to always want to keep her contained...

it is time for her to run free

Politics, babies and my body

I'm here....

that latest round of colds, flus and colds hit this house hard....

and aside from some morning nausea I am back to "normal"

Politics:

I am so fired up about maintaining my rights; the rights of  my nieces and nephews,

 that I re-registered so that I could vote in the primary here in the States.

I was registered with a party that would only allow me to vote party line.

I needed to change that.

I am so upset, and frustrated with the casual misogyny, hate speak, fear mongering and general shit talk that I chose to not sit idyll and instead do what I could to make changes.

 I normally don't talk politics and this is as far as I will go...

I am mad as hell and I am not going to take it any longer

Babies:

I have two baby gifts in read to be packed up, as more people are preggers.

I would say I am pretty unfazed by it, but in all honesty, I haven't been around them while they are blossoming. What I did have a physical reaction to was a casual mention of an impromptu baby shower for a fellow artist...I felt my stomach clench and then race through the monologue of 

"I don't do baby showers, I am happy to send a gift but I am not going to attend"

I decided that, that event has WAY too many triggers for me and so I choose to avoid them....

like the boogie man!

My body:

I stumbled on this project and there is a whole section on fertility, here is one with a statement about the portrait subject:

WHAT I BE PROJECT

As mentioned before, I am floating farther away from my sole identity as an infertile woman.

It is bittersweet...but I think a natural progression with age and peace. 

I have recently purchased a vintage photograph of a child.

It resonated in me when I saw it. 

So I bought it, and when it arrived I matted and framed it and added it to my personal altar. 

I allows me to see a manifestation of a child that makes me feel happy.

Like a moment from a daydream captured.

It has settled something in me.

The dreams continue....

I am still being submerged in dreams of my child that never came to be...

I saw this and it made me weep and be thankful that I am able to watch this
and keep my chin high
and my heart open
to still thinking about a child that I never got to hold...
and still thinking about what I desired for them

I have grown stronger 

Side Swiped

So it appears to be baby shower season...at least that is what it feels like.

When I got word of the first one, 

I put on my big girl pants, superhero cape and lasso of power 

and quickly said: 

" I can't go"

It felt powerful and right!

I was quite proud of myself.

What was ever cooler was that my SIL 

(who was throwing the party for her sister)

looked at me and said, OK 

and left it at that.

I was super happy that there was no drama

I made time one day and made the baby shower gifts, 

and packed them up way ahead of the event and laid that to rest.

The second shower invite is coming soon, 

I am not going to that one either.

The baby gifts are made and packed away too.

I have told The Barren so that he is well aware that I will be somewhere else,

doing something else.

Hopefully the mother to be will be distracted by her dozens of guests and not 

fixate on me not attending

(like I am that important)

The two mothers to be are very different, 

one got pregnant quickly and with no assistance

the other one, My SIL's sister, spent years trying and 

eventually got pregnant and was on bed rest the whole pregnancy.

When my SIL told me she was pregnant I was so happy fro her, when she said her sister was suffering from morning sickness I said that is great...I was happy for her, she was finally pregnant!

Her shower was to be tomorrow, she was driving my SIL crazy with her vision

of how everything should be. 

(on a side-note, I spoke with my mother and said that I TOTALLY understood this side of the coin. She has sacrificed her body, her finances, her relationship... everything to become a mother

...and now that she is one, she wants everything to be as she imagined it to be. It is her vision of the dream...she is wanting to be the pretty princess from the fairy tale, the happily ever after)

BUT... her water broke today and she is currently in labor.

Shower canceled.

I am finding that thinking about her becoming a mother has side swiped me with a lot of emotions

I thought I was past...or OK with but,

I was crying earlier...hearing in my head

That was suppose to be you

You will never be that woman in labor

you failed

I know that these are The Barreness creeping in with her spells and intoxicating words

I know that some of those things might be true,

but

I did not fail

The idea of this woman becoming a mother is bittersweet.

In my sorrow I texted her other sister, 

who is also infertile from secondary infertility

Just telling her that I was thinking of her, 

as I am sure today is a mixed bag of emotions for her as well

She thanked me for understanding the pain and emotion of the day.

Meanwhile,

The other mother to be is a rockstar, still doing crossfit at 7+month pregnant

feeling great and happy and dealing with everything like well, it is no big deal

She makes it look so easy

aside from her mentioning in conversations that well " because I am pregnant..."

I can even hang out with her and not want to punch myself in the face.

but today...today it might be harder

I know it will pass

and that a good sweat in class will clear this all out of my pores,

but today, today I just want to be 

free enough to feel my independence from these feelings again

Hope is a new word to embrace

Rejections are part of being an artist.

I know I have mentioned this before, but today I got another one 

and it seems to be a year of just being rejected.

Everything I have applied for, to date, has been rejected.

I know it is not " a reflection on my work"  but instead 

" There were so many beautiful, accomplished and uniquely creative photographs. Unfortunately your work was not chosen for the exhibition, but it was a pleasure to view your work, your accomplishments as a photographer and your dedication to the process of being an artist."

blah blah blah

I didn't use the word hope for almost a year. I didn't type it, write or say it. 

It was a sacred word for so long when we were trying to become parents. I was afraid to use the word casually, or on a whim...like saying the name of a demon or stepping on a crack in the cement. 

As I have started this process of stepping back from my lost dream, I have started to use it again as an empowering word again. I am not afraid to hope for things, 

I am just a bit cautiously optimistic in the 8 year wake of IF pain.

My art has given me a platform to try and use it again...

Every check I write to a gallery to view my work for consideration, 

every hour of research I do on the juror,

every image I review for compatibility for the shows theme or concept;

I pin hope on that last stroke of the key when submitting.

I know that I have tossed caution/fate into the wind. 

Art is subjective and curators/judges often have a vision of the show 

before even seeing any of the work. 

I try to forget about the submission until the week they are due to announce the results.

Even after all these years and all the rejections

It still feels like a kick in the heart when the generic letter arrives

I get sad 

I get mad

I get unsure of my self and my work

I wonder if I am on the right path, the right road or

in the right state of mind.

Somehow, I seem to always pull myself up by my bootstraps 

and write another check for chance, 

for HOPE.

I just keep working towards/for my dream of supporting The Barren and making him a kept man,

and having someone love my work as much as I think it is worth being loved.

My apparent Achilles heel

Friday morning is a wild one.

My teacher on Friday is a guy who really loves 80's music.

He makes his own mixes and is a former gym rat so there is often some random cardio thing thrown into the normal rotation of salutations and poses.

Most mornings I giggle to myself remembering where I was or what life was like when I hear the songs. Mostly Jr High and High school...torment!!

The songs are often heavy on emotion and fluffy, ya know a good 80's John Hughes film kind of thing.

Last week he threw in a vintage Michael Jackson song:

http://youtu.be/yURRmWtbTbo?list=PL6F87DB8C3DF6BC47

I was amused and glad to hear an old school MJ song that I remember from childhood. 

I smiled during the flow and nodded my head, tapped my hands.

This morning though, this morning was different.

I got to class early, had a little small talk with the teacher about this cool article I saw, and sat in the room before class to warm up with the room.

I was breathing and thinking about how sleepy I still was, but was here to do my best.

I don't have to be good at it, I just have to do.

The class filled up, each of us in our places and we started the warm up...the music started and I felt a twitch. Then I started to smile...and I lost count of my breath.

What was happening?!

Over the speaker system was this song and then the dance mix of this song followed

Before I could do anything, she burst forth....

he had found my apparent Achilles heel and my inner 13 year old self could not contain her joy and glee and as I pressed into my down-dog she began to sing along with the music!!

She knew all the words and dance moves.

How embarrassing, she was totally embarrassing me....

I could see her dancing around the room to the song and singing to herself in her bedroom mirror.

I checked my reflection and although I was only mouthing the words 

 my inner teenager was making a scene ....

finally I just let her play 

Why was I trying to stop her?

I watched her set free her joy and it was amazing

Wild Heart

a kind of free thought post...

So The Barren is working elsewhere this week and I am home and left to my own devices.

I mention this because it accentuates the amount of time I spend alone.

My artwork naturally requires I work alone and often for hours on end...

I find myself talking to the cats and myself and then when I need to run an errand, 

I am HYPER social, 

to the point of me hearing my own voice and thinking:

 Who is that lady? She sounds like a cheerleader, all excited about a head a lettuce...

So I am almost always eager to stop working when The Barren arrives home and socialize with someone I adore and can answer me back .

This last weekend two of my girlfriends hubby's were out of town on a "boys weekend" and when The Barren heard this he said I am taking you all out.

At first, I was a little jealous, I mean he is mine! but then I thought about how they might feel that same kind of alone I feel during the week so I agreed.

It was a nice no pressure kind of night, the ladies were totally touched 

and we had a few drinks and some food.

When we went to pick up the first one, 

she said she was ravenous and then looked at me and said:

" I'm pregnant"

I was struck by how ballsy she said it, but then she expressed how she was kind of scared to tell me

and decided that she should just do it like a band-aid, and blurt it out.

The Barren was in a nearby room within earshot and said..."did I hear that right?"

I thanked her for telling us and that she did perfect.

The rest of the night had baby tentacles in the conversations of

 " my baby, and my body and when the baby comes"

She is 10.5 weeks and was bursting to tell people...so she told her closest.

I was touched and only lost myself in thought once...

when The Barren said: what was the name we had?

I shot him a look and he instantly realized he had walked on sacred ground.

I guess there will always be things I will not give up.

The rest of the night every time she mentioned baby things, I was thinking, thank goodness 

I am looking forward to watching them be parents...it will be awesome!

We quietly checked in with each other all night: you alright? need a break?

While sitting at a pre-party to our group date out, 

she mentioned that she blurted out her pregnancy to other female friends that are trying, and they were supportive...but I thought about them and their struggles up to now to become parents.

it was a wild heart kind of valentines.

Twists and turns and loop d loops

After we dropped off the ladies at a modest 9pm, we went home and got into PJ's and snuggled down.

I fell asleep first...very romantic.

 This week I am going to business meetings, practice and ideally get some office work too.

It is quiet now and leads my overwhelmed mind on divergent trails of thought...but I want to have a productive week, and not feel as though I am simply passing days until The Barren arrives home.

I spent a lot of time alone in my 20's traveling, and on one trip far far from home, when The Barren and I were dating, I sat down in this beautiful place, alone with a journal/sketchbook and thought

"it would be really nice to turn to someone and say isn't that beautiful?!"

I think that is when I knew I was ready to be with The Barren, 

because I wanted that someone to be him.

The amazing card I got on hearts day said the same to me.

My heart is full with love for that amazing man.

Marking days

Sunset Christmas eve

My second job has cut back my already anorexic hours, 

this has left me feeling quite anxious.
you know the normal, how am I gonna pay the bills kind of stuff.
I didn't realize how stressed I was until I took a pic of myself holding one of our cats
 to send to The Barren at work... 

to distract him for a moment from his stressful day as well.

My eyes were sunken, and I had shades of grey under them.

The cat looks quite handsome....clearly our work to keep him stress free is working well.

I have sold work this last year, but it is FAR from being able to survive on and often makes me question myself and if it is worth my motives to maintain this life as an artist.

I have asked The Barren many times over and over again if I should get other work...

or stop pursuing this life's call/ fantasy?! 

Repeatedly, he has said no, that this is what I am suppose to do, not work other jobs or distract myself from my artwork. He sees it as a long arch and that I am in the climb...

I am left trusting him, as I often find myself on shaky feet.

When he finishes a day filled with tension and frustration, 

I want to fix it an sadly my options are thin.

It leaves me feeling horrible, like I have done this to him....

Guilt

I don't like where this post is going....

It is moments like this that I search my mind for other options to find income...I look at want ads and try and figure out if I could do this or that....all of them point out the fact that I would not be able to have time clear for art making.  

I literally can not imagine another way to live....

it is inspiring but terrifying as well.

I have added work to my online shop every day, and have begun the slow incline to find what my year will look like.
SO....

This the grab your bootstraps time.

This is the shake it off and walk it out moment

This is where I am suppose to thrive!

I am the only person who can change the coarse of my life.

It is powerful, intimidating and massive!

I am trying to be present, aware of the now

and not run from it.
I have made a tall order...and need to not let The Barren down...
or myself.

Sunrise Thursday morning

And to all a good night

Thank you everyone for your lovely notes for The Barren....he was most touched.

Sometimes this is a TALL order,
but worth aiming for over and over again.

It has been a whirlwind of changes and stress and work, which is why I have been MIA from this beautiful wonderful place of love and personal growth.

I referred to it as my mourning dress,
as my relationship with ice cream has forever changed

To start with I made it through my gallery shows and this year for the big Warhol-ian event I wore this lovely number, along side new gallery shoes that didn't make my feet hurt at all...strait out of the box even! I sold work for the 5th year in a row...which in itself was a personal goal I gladly met.

I had a funny thing happen to me that has happened every time I met someone of noteworthy status...It gets interrupted or goes amok at that exact moment of introduction. 

Like the universe thinks, nope she doesn't really need to meet this person.

It has happened when I was introducing myself to this personal idol, that I had see give a talk. She actually walked away while I was shaking her hand and introducing myself to her...I finished my introduction by yelling my name across the crowded gallery to her....it was mortifying and I left in a pool of tears...vowing to never mention her name again. 

That was over 10 years ago...clearly I am making slow steps back to saying her name.

It happened again when I worked at a bookstore and I walked up to ask this person if he needed help or had any questions about inventory...except no actual words came out of my mouth instead it was a lovely line of gibberish that made him smirk and I walked away mortified.

Alas, it happened at this last event, except I laughed when I realized what was happening...

As a friend was introducing me to this person, and my hand was extended someone next me put two hands on my arm and physically pushed me out of the way....in such a way that when the friend and person turned back towards me (after motioning to my work on the gallery wall) I had literally disappeared into the sea of people in the gallery...swallowed up. 

I am trying to figure out what the universe is trying to tell me...or if I am just really bad at introductions and I purposefully stumble. 

I'll get back to you on that.

As for changes, The Barren and myself took the week of turkey to turn our whole house upside down!  The motivation started with me having a severe night terror that woke The Barren because I was screaming that someone was at the end of the bed...in his half awaken state he started thrashing and because I can not see without my glasses it made me even more frightened as I was waking and we were both screaming and hitting the air until we were both awake enough to realize nothing was there. None the less it made us think...we need to change shit around and get rid of this. So we burned sage, and hex remover (yep The Barren picked up a jar of the stuff when he was in 

Memphis) We had made a huge list of things we wanted to do in the house and felt that it was monumental to try and do half of the things...turns out we did almost all of them!

It started with repairing the garbage disposal, and then getting rid of a bunch of furniture, and then hacking some ikea stuff and making it into other things and then getting rid of clothes and extra things that we just never thought too much about.

I got rid of childhood things and came to realize that many of the things I was holding onto were for the invisible child we can't share it with...it was a hard real reality but I came to the understanding calmly and consoled myself by say "there is some other child that would love this, I am going to give it to them"

The end result is that our home feels totally different....like a new place.

It doesn't feel sad anymore.

I guess I didn't realize that it felt sad in our house...

in the absence I became aware of the presence.

Now as we slide into the holidays...we are working strait on through them. I have to work on xmas eve and the day after xmas as does The Barren. We have decorated the house and got a little 2ft tree that we placed little resin birds and straw ornaments I got in eastern Europe a decade ago.

We have our menorahs out as well as a Krampus and some Buddhas for good measure.

It feels festive and today a new couch arrived...another on our huge list of things to make us happier.

As the night comes to you, know that I am wishing you a wonderful holiday

I send hugs and love to each of you and wish you a serene, and divine celebration.

xoxox

The Barreness

Sunday Meditation

source

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you

I celebrated my one year anniversary with yoga. 

According to my yoga teacher I had been there over 165 times in the last year! 

That is a half year in the yoga studio! holy guacamole...

I tried to keep the celebration to myself but to my surprise The Barren noted this as well and got me a gift certificate to a yoga boutique. 

You know the kind of place I would never venture into myself to purchase clothes.

Well I was eager to get a new pair of pants and top, as mine are now having the subtle smell of bleach and tea tree oil and mildew....they have been washed every day after class and hung to dry so as to be ready the next day...but after a year I think the fabric just gives up.

I went to the boutique; assured by The Barren that the women that were working there were not the "typical" yoga body people. It was warm outside but I was wearing a sundress and felt fairly cool...I was greeted by a woman who was very nice and eager to help me find the perfect gift for myself. She was not a beanpole so she understood the "junk in the trunk" issue for finding pants...she told me which companies she liked and I grabbed two pair of printed leggings one with UNICORNS on them!

get them

I was eager to try them on and feel super special. 

I grabbed a tank to try them on with and headed to the changing room. 

I was now sweating. 

The store was warm and the fan really did nothing to cool the air.

I checked my purse three times for a rubber band to tie my now wet neck hair up...no dice.

I then proceeded to peel the dress I was wearing off, and try with GREAT effort to put on the pants.

It was like trying to get a pair of pantyhose on while sweating...plus my lovely Popeye style calf's would not allow the pants to glide over them so by the time I had jumped, hopped and wiggled my arse into the butt of the pants it was and I was a HOT MESS. 

The door of the changing room was not a door but a light piece of fabric, 

so as I jumped it swayed open. I am sure it was a great show!

I peeled off the first pair and looked at another brand thinking maybe they would fit differently.

This time I tried on the top first, well tried, as I was dripping sweat and no matter what I did to pull that top over my shoulders and avoid the pits, as I didn't want to stain the shirt too...

I was stuck, the fabric had rolled onto itself, and would not give way

My boobs were half in the shirt, half begging to be freed of the shelf bra.

I ending up bending in half, and wiggling my shoulders free of the fabric and hanging up the shirt to admire while trying to tackle the second set of pants. topless this time...

When I started the effort, I stopped at the calf again...resigning to the fact that I was not built to wear these leggings either. I fought extreme disappointment and negative voices about my body.

The clerk asked how I did as I emerged from the dressing room.

I am sure she saw the WHOLE thing...but was kind to say that another company was available to try.

I am a glutton for punishment, and so I tried on another brand of pant. 

It took far less effort to pull on and so I got a pair in FUCHSIA, and picked up a tie-dyed tank from the same company without trying it on...I feared what might happen.

I left with credit remaining and a punched ego...but a new top, pants and yoga mat towel.

Following this dance I was due at a business woman's art gathering.

I got in the car, blasted the air conditioning and drove to the meeting location.

I was cooler when I arrived, I had my yoga bag in the back seat so I added a new layer of deodorant to my pits and fluffed my hair and went into the home that was hosting.

I sipped a glass of bubble water and waited for another couple of friends to arrive. I was beginning to heat up again (for reasons unknown to me) and I went to the bathroom to splash some cool water onto my neck and chest...in an effort to cool my body a little more. When I emerged a couple of friends had arrived and I met them in the hallway. One was one I hadn't seen since May and when I saw her then I thought..." I think she is pregnant" turns out she was...and is due in December. 

She was glowing, I mean radiant...it was of no surprise to me.

Joy creates that, and she was filled with glee and joy.

I congratulated her and we joined some other women outside in the shade to chat before the meeting was set to start...I was standing and sipping my water and I could feel the sweat dripping down my back, over my tummy, down my legs. I hoped no one else noticed...but I also realized that I was with a group of women, ans MANY had already gone through menopause so this was nothing to be embarrassed about.

We eventually moved indoors, and sat ourselves for the hosts lecture.

I think it was half way through that I felt the heater turn off in me. 

When the lecture was over, my newly pregnant friend rose from where she was seated and I was struck.

She is one of the most beautiful people I know...I mean goddess beauty.

High cheekbones, tall, lightly freckled skin, quiet and graceful, her hair was now down from her hair comb and cascaded into gentle curls around her chest...beauty!

It sounds like I have a girl crush on her, but really I was just so taken back at her beauty.

It was mesmerizing, and I was just admiring how beautiful it was.

She floated across the floor and I realized at that moment, how obvious it was that we were at two very different stages in our lives. She was making a new person and I was in pre-menopausal.

I returned to a quiet home, The Barren waiting to hear how the day went.

I modeled the new clothes for him, as I was not sweating anymore and the new pants revealed that they are not only a fantastic color but also create an amazing camel toe! ahahaha and the top is a little big.

Go figure

That night I dreamt that I was pregnant, and I needed to tell people.

I was so sad about it, I was thinking to myself in the dream 

" but I was just getting use to this new child-free life, I am so old now to be having a baby"

It was a mixed bag of dream emotions.

Upon waking, I was washed in the feeling of bitter-sweetness and remembering.

It was dark still and a yoga day, so I put on my new camel-toe pants and went to class to sweat it all away.

Away I go

image

Salutation Saturday

One year ago today I had my surgery.

I know a lot of people on the internets are doing a month of gratitude.

I think it is great and if a call for bloggers or facebookers to write every day what you are

grateful for makes the world a more grateful one...then whooo ha!

 

I think I do a lot of reflection daily on things I am happy about, grateful for and looking to evolve.

So this is a little different.

 

In reflection of this last year:

I am glad I listened to my Primary care doc and got a second opinion

I am happy I found my cowgirl surgeon

I am happy that they developed the CA125 test

I am glad the Japanese researchers published their findings about chocolate cysts

I am thankful that she sat down and gave it to me strait

I feel badly that she had to eat crow when she was

convinced that this might "fix our fertility problems" 

I am glad that it rained that morning

I am grateful beyond words that my Barren was beside me

until the moment they took me into the OR

I am beyond thankful that my oldest friend dropped everything to be here to hold my hand.

I am so happy that my surgeon was skilled and saved my tubes and ovary for me

I am without words happy that she caught it before it became cancer

I am grateful that my body was able to heal well and return to being mine

I am thankful that a year later I am sitting here

Lighter, Happier and healthier then last

 

I am manifesting my new destiny

I am focusing on my desires for this life,

I am so thankful for what I am building

I am making art

I am meditating

I am happier

I have said goodbye to my guilt

It is such a relief, such a massive relief

Focusing under a grey cloud

 

I think I am fighting some melancholy.

I think it is that, it seems grey and unformed.

I am not sure why....well maybe I do.

 

I am being tested it seems, or poked...or taunted, still unsure how I am reacting to that.

Maybe that is why I am unsure if it is melancholy or not.

 

I found out a friend is doing IVF, I have a new niece, one dozen children play daily outside my front door (literally, our front door and garage door are the start and end points of their games),

I got bamboozled into a yoga class this week taught by a woman who is visibly pregnant,

I have purposely not taken her classes as I am selfish and don't want to spend my hour thinking about her uterus being full with a baby.

It twisted my mind so much, that I wasn't focused in class,  and I imagined the sounds coming from outside the studio were those of crying babies and it pissed me off and I wanted to run from the class.

She mentions that she is pregnant in every class she teaches and looks like she swallowed a basketball. I heard her tell a student that her body was not meant to carry the weight of a baby, she misses being able to suck in her stomach...I rolled my eyes and fled to the lockers.

Ideally I can continue to avoid her classes.

 

There have been a lot of articles about infertility in the news recently,

both Pamela and Miriam's piece, as well as Tracey's piece too.

And of course this sent me to do some Dr Googling on stage IV endometriosis and chance of pregnancy, with IVF or otherwise.

The verdict: less then 5%

It was a stark reality check again,

and in many ways reassuring that I am not missing something.

 

So back to the focus on my work and self and relationship and the life I want.

A mentor told me the other day that I need to really focus on what I want, career wise,

and then work backwards from that point so I can make that a goal a reality.

 

Once I let go of the feeling that I was doing something wrong, I was left feeling that I have work ahead of me; panic set in and then yesterday I sat down with my yellow pads of paper and started writing down what I want. What my goals are and now I am working on figuring out how to work back from that point to make them happen.

Big leaps are involved and there are big empty spots too....

focus focus focus focus

oh look a shiny thing....

*sigh*

I think my first task is focusing well

I am not quite sure what the point of this post was.....ugh

Chilling

 

I wanted to check in with you

I am doing well, in fact I really feel like things are changing for real!

Today I am relaxing and collecting thoughts

I will be back soon

 

Have a peaceful weekend

be kind to yourself