Summertime Rolls

I am in this photo, right there with my butt up in the air

This is the Saturday morning class I love to take...

the teacher places a COLD washcloth's on each persons face afterwards and it is a slice of heaven!

it is sometimes a struggle to get there because it ends half an hour after farmers market starts and if you are a regular farmers market goer, you know the best stuff is right when they open...so it is a practice of letting shit go and enjoying being at class, then enjoying the pace of the market when I arrive afterwards. I am also not one of those ladies that 

loves to wear her yoga clothes to do errands and stuff...

so the looks from the farmers while I try and hide a camel toe or my body odor is something too.
I pretend to be blissfully unaware of the stares...

The summer is passing and it seems that the activity I am most often partaking in is sweating...

sweat overnight, wake up and go to yoga and sweat, come home shower and try to not sweat (unsuccessful at that still) then sweat while cooking dinner and cleaning up, evening shower
 and repeat

it probably doesn't help that most of my state is on fire and there has been heat wave after heat wave....so I am not sure if this is a peri-menopausal thing or simply summer.

I am gonna say it is summer because the other option sux!

We have watched friends go on vacations, kids go to summer camp,
and we have even been host to a couple visitors.

Alas, we have not escaped.

I was told that my work was taking a few days off to spend time with family and I got very excited at the idea of not having to commute for a while week...but they shortened the vaca and it fell on the days I am normally not there so no real vacation for me.

I am doing my best to make it productive none the less

but...I got my period and now I am either sweat sleeping or trying to not eat everything in the house.

Happy summer vacation!

 I am still trying....I canceled yoga for myself this week...

it is good to rest every now and then...and I think I need it, plus if I am sweating all day and my uterus is a battleground why not sit back and watch the show.
I don't need to prove to myself that I can still do my thing...
my newly built muscles are not going to disappear overnight.
It will all be alright.

It is summertime, eat some watermelon...
sleep a little later when you can, go for a drive somewhere
collect a few interesting things to remember this time, take some photos.
I mean isn't that what Summer Vacation use to be?!

And the winner is.....

ME!!!

I spent a half an hour crying and laughing before I could even call The Barren at work.
All I did was take a photo of my computer screen and send it to him....
My hands were shaking, I was not able to speak....

The cats freaked out thinking I was in pain or something.

I am still quite in shock and working very hard on sharing this award with pride 

and I keep telling myself that it is not arrogant.

I worked very hard for this and my work was recognized by a panel of professional peers

and I got some money too!
I won the creative process award, perfectly suited for what I submitted.

The magic of disco lifted and kept my mood elevated most of the day and when I finally found the information it was a HUGE shock and wonderful moment.

The Barren says I need to sit and stew in this...live and love the feeling and like Elmer J Fudd, repeat my well earned and happy mantra:

"I am an internationally awarded artist"

Brain Vomit

Prom 1986- nope

This was a look for an art get together...I realized afterwards that I looked ready for prom...

or jr prom or sadie hawkins dance or something like that

I am dating myself now....

I have found myself in a slump or sadness

I am not sure which one yet.

I am taking care of myself and working and doing my practice 5 times a week, which I know is connected to my mental health and my ability to sort shit out.

It has become painfully obvious the lack of friends nearby to chat with or have a cuppa caffeine with.

I thought I was making progress at the studio, but being summer, people take off for vacations and often take a while to return to their practice. So I just keep going and looking like a dork or teacher stalker...by taking their classes at the same time every week....I like ritual okay

I also am taking a sound therapy class, which helps me see and sort out art ideas.

It seems super granola, and hippie kid but for me it works.

I see colors and can think through ideas while I sit still for an hour and the teacher simply makes all sorts of sounds....simple but for me effective!

I hit my 5 year milestone as a vegan and yoga practicier

that seems strange too...

I am stronger than I have ever been, and although I will never be a string bean I am happy and thankful for what this Stage 4 Endo body CAN do.

I am often screaming in my head when a back bend happens or some level of flexibility is achieved. The teachers say to let go of ego and not focus on what you can or can not do...but DAMN I can do stuff I never thought I'd be able to, and someday in the future I will be able to do EVEN MORE than I imagined or dreamt. I am keeping that part of my ego and shaky self confidence.

Okay I am rambling....

brain vomit, sorry.

I have been thinking about all the new babies about to enter this world and it doesn't make me bitter or really sad...in fact, I have noticed that I have made a clearly defined line for myself about what I will and will not participate in. Moderate how I react to the sight of a pregnant woman and or a newborn. 

I do still want to hold a baby...but not in front of people so that will not happen....

Yeah I would like to hold your baby but not while you watch or around any of you....shhahhahah

If that doesn't sound dastardly I don't know what does.

I am staying away from news....there is a lot of troll talk about not feeling anything about whats happening unless you are a mom or a parent or a breastfeeder...

Mind you, I am still engaged and writing letters of protest and all that responsibility, but not watching the stories unfold anymore...I would eventually like to not wear my bite-plate to bed!

The world around us here in the states seems to have become a disconnected hose with the water on full blast and just flaying about spraying everyone down and not giving two shits. I am working on managing anger and trying to not get exhausted from the constant need to speed dial my senators and congress people encouraging them to continue to act sane and speak up.

Empathy, sympathy and common sense is something to fight for, daily

There are a lot of people being killed for no reason

a lot of people in pain

a lot of suffering

a lot of hurt

I am reminded that simple things are beautiful and that how I choose to react matters and can teach others, even when you think no one is watching.

I am making choices every day to act kindly, speak kindly, and think kind words in my self talk.

I am also eating more vegan sweets and napping

....that seems to be helping too 💙

Shower Time

Get this card HERE

It seems Spring sprung and all group of gals is pregnant with babies.

I was invited to a baby shower, for a pregnant family member. 

My first personal thoughts while smiling about the news was:

" oh gosh I hope they don't invite me to the shower" 

I was indeed invited as was my mother and SIL

I spoke to my crying mother on the phone about the invitation 

and asked her what she was crying about?!

( It has been almost a decade since we realized that we were not getting a baby this time around)

She said, "I don't think I can go, 

I mean it was suppose to be you! I am so sad that you never got to do any of this...."

I was really surprised, I mean this came out of left field for me!

I told her that maybe we could go together and leave before they opened gifts...

She told me she was concerned about the silly games...

I told her we would go to celebrate a the family that was becoming a new Aunt and Grandma

...wasn't that exciting?

She said she would think about it.

I then texted my cousin who was one of the hosts and said:

" I am trying to get an answer outta my mom, baby showers are hard for us- so I am trying to get my mom to come for a little bit but most likely we'd leave before gifts, sorry for the delay in responding"

Typing her made my heart beat hard; surprisingly, I felt slightly ashamed and embarrassed at being to emotional.

She wrote back super fast:

"totally understandable and seriously no worries at all if you decide to pass. Most important was just that you know we love you and you are invited, and NO REASON at all to apologize, even in the least bit.

Our mom to be is not a big fan pf attention, so the whole thing is a little strange for her. No pressure, she will not feel any less supported or loved if you choose to skip it"

I called to tell my mom that we had time to make up our minds about where to set limits....

she told me she already said she'd go.

I am still glad I totally put myself out there and owned my reality

Sigh....

That night while feeling confused and spun, The Barren told me he was going to play a benefit concert and was only allowed 1 person to go and see him.

It was on the same day.

I RSVP'd that night that I was not going.

Now I am left with finishing the baby gifts to deliver ahead of the shower

....all handmade

because I am that person.

Mothering myself

With Mother's Day around the corner here in the US, I am on guard.

I am occupying myself with other busy work and distractions....

but I found myself alone and in front of the mothers day cards the other day while running errands. 

I suddenly felt myself OK making this a safe place for me, alone in the middle of the day on the card aisle staring at what appeared to be a football field long row of cards. 

Thankfully I am OK reading them when there isn't someone breathing over my shoulder 

or reaching for other cards from each of my sides.

I call that progress....

FYI, I also do this task now, a couple weeks ahead of the date...so that I feel as though I stumbled on idea of getting cards for my SIL and mom, without the pressure build up of this day.

Like, oh yeah, I need dish soap, thank goodness I passed it here in the store to remind myself...

kind of stumbled...I guess my version of nonchalant

My mood was lifted when I found this perfect card

It broke my serious mood

It broke my melancholy mood

It made me laugh at the perfect balance of sarcasm and candor:

ignore my punk rock nail polish and bath in the glory of this card 😊

I ended up with a different sarcastic card for my mom...but this one holds my heart.

Celebrity Reading

In Her Own Words: Lena Dunham on Her Decision to Have a Hysterectomy at 31

I read this yesterday and it was strangely familiar to me

down to the nitty gritty details- in a strange and comforting way

I was able to keep my uterus 

and still advocate for it every year

but there was a time I had this on the table and it was a valid and real choice 

Triangle Goddess

extended triangle

The triangle that points downward is one of the oldest symbols of the divine power of the female. It is an ancient symbol that represents the genitalia of a goddess. The triangle is connected to the number three which can represent true wisdom. 

I have explored photographing my practice at home, to see how my form is and compare it to that of instruction online and then practice in class. Instagram is amazing as a yoga resource! This pose has always been one of my favorites and after looking up the meaning, I was happy to see that even unconsciously I am moving in the right direction.

Celebrating the divine within me 

Another toe in the pool

I think I made a leap...it feels like it at least.

I have been submitting to numerous exhibitions and this opportunity came up and although I think my chances are slight...I needed to not pass this up:

What they are looking for:

The exhibit will feature a wide array of works by female artists each addressing erotic themes in their works, and how that relates to feminism and/or contemporary society today. We are looking for works across all mediums that are uninhibited, and fearless with regards to the explorations around this theme. 

Describe your work submitted:

"A series of photographs in which I reintroduce myself to the body that I once loved before learning I was infertile. After a focused decade of sex geared towards reproduction, I am remembering what sex for pleasure is again. Overcoming the stigma of what womanhood meant, or means and embracing my sexual self."

I continue to find niches that infertility touches.

I will not be silent.

Anniversary-many years later

It is the anniversary of my 1st of three miscarriages on tomorrow

and then 

It is our wedding anniversary on Tuesday

We will be celebrating 24years together and 14years married. 

In the meantime I am quiet...I feel kind of sideswiped/wounded.
I woke up feeling okay,
started about my day, but something feels off.

Muscle memory maybe?

My heart has been beating along as normal.
but there is a heaviness.

As of late, I have been referring to our never to be child as our star child.
Made of love and stardust.
It is in an effort to include them as a element into our living lives,
but understand that they are not physically here,
but still able to be seen and felt deeply.
The Barren seems to be okay with this new development.
I think this is me hoping it is another step towards feeling alright.

I am set to work a photo-shoot tomorrow, doing a family shoot for a friend with a toddler.
The one who named her child the name we had secretly picked for our own child.

I assume after the job is done, I will need a nap or a drink or both wrapped in a cuddle.

Even after all these years, I still feel it so deeply.
but....
One thing I do differently, is that I give myself space now to feel it.
Feel all of it, deep and dark and big and bright.

That is the reminder of stardust.

The dreams continue....

I am still being submerged in dreams of my child that never came to be...

I saw this and it made me weep and be thankful that I am able to watch this
and keep my chin high
and my heart open
to still thinking about a child that I never got to hold...
and still thinking about what I desired for them

I have grown stronger 

It is the weekend...make these

I have been battling a serious sweet tooth, which has me eating pasta and craving sweets...so I found a recipe that I thought I would try....let's just say I have made them twice now...

OMG, 

like having the most sparkly, magical, decedent, wonderful thing

 sitting on your kitchen counter!

I have been searching for an easy go to dessert to make when fruit or frozen banana "ice cream" just won't cut it. 

I tried a faux cheese cake and used like $15 in nuts and it just gave me a stomach ache....

then I found a recipe on Hell Yeah it's vegan and... 

JUST MAKE THEM!!!

You'll never know they were vegan....really, honest, truly...for reals!

Molasses Chocolate Chip Cookies Author: Claryn 

Ingredients:

 ¾ c + 2 Tbsp granulated sugar 

7 Tbsp vegan butter, softened 

3 Tbsp blackstrap molasses 

½ tsp vanilla extract 

¾ c bread flour 

½ c all­ purpose flour 

1 Tbsp cocoa powder 

1 tsp cinnamon 

½ tsp ground cloves ½ tsp ground ginger ½ tsp baking soda ½ tsp baking powder 

¼ tsp salt 

¾ c vegan chocolate chips 

Instructions 1. Preheat oven to 350F. 2. In a large bowl, cream together sugar, vegan butter, and molasses. 3. Beat in vanilla extract. 4. In a small bowl, sift together flours, cocoa, spices, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. 5. Beat flour mixture into sugar mixture. The dough will be stiff. 6. Fold in chocolate chips. 7. Form dough into 2" balls and bake on a silicone baking mat or cookie sheet lined with parchment paper, 3" apart, for 8­10 minutes. 8. Allow to cool on cookie sheet 2-­3 minutes before transferring to cooling racks or counter. 9. Best enjoyed warm. 

Notes I bake mine for the minimum time because I love soft­baked centers; the longer time will yield crunchier cookies. Recipe by Hell Yeah It's Vegan! 

Wide Open

So I am totally addicted.

The first class was tough, I was told by others who had taken the class that the best thing to do was really hydrate yourself before class.
SO I really took this to heart and the pre-hydration preparation had me peeing every 10minutes!

I must admit, that everytime I drank a glass of water, my mind took me to thinking that I was preparing for a pelvic ultrasound; but I am retraining my neural pathways, and telling them

"nope you are drinking water because you are about to sweat so much it is gonna feel like all the butter you have ever eaten will be running out of your pores"
 

The first class was HOT, 105degrees, we selected the "hot class" kind of by accident, the others are listed as hot too but this one takes the cake. One of the two ladies I signed up with picked me up from work and we were both making jokes the whole time,
until we hit the heated room and then it was game time!

We took it slow, we dripped sweat, she made me keep my eyes open, so she "knew I was alive"
There were maybe 10 of us in there, one man and the rest women in various levels of practice and aside from my getting dizzy,
I completed to the best of my ability, 22 of the 26 postures.

We fought with the reflections in the mirrors and are starting to understand there is no hiding from them. I even caught myself seeing myself...but I still prefer to position myself in just the right way, that I can not make out my whole body.
We felt quite happy when we were done and I felt like I had taken a bunch of speed,
after the internal blast furnace shut off.

Yesterday we all went to the level two class, this one is only 90degrees and was PACKED with beautiful people. The teacher spoke quickly to keep the pace up and I was drenched in 10minutes, and confused what pose I was suppose to do but I was able to stop when I got weak or dizzy and there was no judgement. I caught sight of my friends in their practice and we all were in our own minds and bodies. Each of us sporting a beet red face. I can say it is quite startling to see myself as I am PALE, PALE person and then I have a fuchsia face...it is something to behold.
The class moved fast and reminded me that I use to really enjoy this, I use to practice 4x a week right after The Barren and I got married. The lady next to me was recovering from an injury and she mentioned that very thought. " we always say how great we felt when doing yoga, or I was in such great shape...and then we walk away from it. Why?"

As we rounded out the class there was a chance to hold Tree Pose however you felt it should be.
Hands at heart, above your head, behind you, twisted....
Without thought, just by pure action I found my arms shoot straight out-
outreached at my sides, heart lifted and a smirk!
I was welcoming in this new action
I felt free
Free of guilt, sadness, sorrow, shame, pressure

I am wide open



*Pop*

Clarence White
American, 1871–1925
Blowing Bubbles, ca. 1900
Vintage cyanotype

I got the depression bubble to pop!

It took a GREAT DEAL of effort, I am not going to lie.

It got dark friends...real dark...I went to places I hadn't visited in a long time.

It was a scary walk through a quiet and dank place.

I even thought about calling my therapist, someone I haven't seen in almost two years; but she gave me the tools and I remembered them as I hung from my fingertips off that cliff.

I worked through it, and used words when questioned in my corner.

I allowed my hubby to see that I was struggling, and he knew what and where I was on my journey. I cried finally and figured out what I was so angry and sad about and then the bubble popped!

It felt so liberating and logical,

I didn't dismiss the process or the work.

It truly SUCKED

Saturday night I had a chance run-in with a collector of my work.

The first question he always has is "You making new work?!"  

I answered that I was trying.

....but as hubby and I were walking away he looked at me and said:

"you are always working on something, even when you are not using your hands, you are thinking of new things and brainstorming about others"

This was something I heard: louder then my mean destructive voices, stronger then the giggles The Barreness was whispering into my ear, and clearer then the dark humm of chaos.

***

Yesterday I spent in the studio, finally!

I took breaks for hugs from hubby

it was like having extra mortar added to my newly restored foundation.

Tearful Tuesday

*thank you so much for your kind words*

Ok, so I needed a new reason to be crying....this time it is from laughter!

Laugh today sisters....

Fotunate Friday

OK so I missed my Thankful Thursday post...and turned it into this one instead.

As Sunday approaches I decided to take to the garden early yesterday. I got a funny email from a fellow gardener reminding me that my garden was overflowing with food and it I wasn't careful I would "miss the treasures from my garden".

Well I read that after I got past the, boy your garden needs to be tended undertones

I reminded myself that my garden played a key role in my recovery from depression and that it was well worth the early morning trip to tend it.

I am thankful....

As I was quietly pulling the peas and carrots and turnips from the vines and ground I could hear myself breath. I realized I was in active meditation. I was quiet, my mind was quiet and the world around me was calm. Scrub jays were picking at the cleared earth I was leaving behind and feasting on the insects and worms.

I was even.

I was tending to my mother and celebrating her.

My hubby bought tickets to a music thing three or four months ago and told me to mark my calendar for the dinner and music night. I did and realized it was the day before my fathers birthday....it wasn't until about a week ago that we were told that it also fell on MOTHERS DAY

I kissed him and was so sosososososos thankful that we had plans, months before being aware of it, that would keep us from the flurry of the day.

My mother is a wonderful person who has come to understand that I mostly want to run for the hills on Mother's day...and that this day has dramatically shifted me in a way I will never recover from.

She and I spend time together on our whims and are not dictated by a marked day on a calendar.

My Mother-in-law, she simply wants to be acknowledged by hubby and we do that and she is happy.

I sometimes feel badly that I have taken Mother's day away from my mother, like, because of my perception of the day I am not able to celebrate her anymore.

My Aunt use to throw these elaborate parties on Mother's day, she would invite all the women in the family and all the mothers would get gifts and cooed over and told how wonderful they were. I participated in these events for years and years...then when The Barreness moved in I couldn't go.

I was chastised and scolded that I was being selfish.

So I went.

There was a moment at these parties,when all the mothers are given gifts...I remember sitting there with my smile and a sunny made up disposition and watched people on all sides of me being given gifts.

I sat with my plastered smile, paralysed.

Then I remember Hubby simply handing me a fruity something.

I spent the rest of the event holding back tears and wondering why I had folded to family pressure.

From that party on I rejected future invitations, and was scolded and "black listed" for years.

My Aunt even tried to change the name of the event to Women's Day...but still hold it on the same Sunday.

I never went back...It has been 5years and just now, I am not spoken of in hushed whispers.

This is what I think of as Mother's day...isolation, depression and shame.

My garden yesterday wiped that all away.

I think I actually saw The Barreness standing by the fence, pouting.

Quiet

"many choices"

I have been quiet...and I think I am simply processing.

I have graduated from therapy and have been shifted to "call if needed" status.

This is a big deal for me. I think in many ways I am still adjusting.

 When I started therapy 5 years ago I had given up on myself and my hopes,

 I didn't care if I slept days away on pain pills or if I didn't eat.

I was a shell of a person and terrified that if I went into therapy

 I would not retain the very last bits of self that I had left.

I was gladly wrong.

I think I came out of the whole thing with myself, intact and recharged.

Over the last 5 years I learned to manage my grief, my dark depression, my infertility much much better.

I wanted to learn how to not be bitter.

I still struggle daily at times with sadness and anger, but I have the skills to find new ways to deal with it.

I speak a lot more openly about our infertility, and in fact will be having a solo art show that in centered around my personal experience with it.

I have stopped trying to push The Barreness away and instead strapped on the baby Bjorn.

I will always have her on my back; sometimes she will be asleep sometimes screaming demands.