Hot Flash or Fever

I turned 51 on the 25th. I had another Covid birthday...it was quiet and I was glad my parents were healthy and fully vaccinated. I got my first hug from my parents in over a year...it was emotional, I got a drawing from my youngest niece. It is a drawing of me and The Barren looking at each other and when you place the two drawings side by side (like a friendship necklace) it forms one heart. 

I framed it when I got home. I have made my birthday cakes since going vegan because (I am protecting people) I didn't want to impose on others to make a special ingredient cake for me. 

The gathering was outside in the backyard and my mother made me a 14pound "cake" made out of watermelon and other fruit because she wanted me to be able to eat the whole thing. 

It made my heart explode...

And try as I might, I couldn't eat all the watermelon in time and ended up juicing it.

I dressed for the day again...blue polka dot peter pan collared dress

White basketball shoes and hairy legs. 

Last Tuesday, I got my second Dolly dose and waited until getting home to cry. I was overwhelmed, I was emotional, I was so thankful. I had seen a photograph earlier that week of a woman in India, visibly scared with an oxygen mask on her face while other women surrounded her and gazed at that mask. 

I looked at that image for a long long time. I felt their fear and their exhaustion...

I was lucky enough to get the vaccine, I was healthy...I was not going to die from this disease.

There are still STUPID people berating others for believing science, and their vaccine dose waits...

meanwhile others die from never having the opportunity.

It is a lot to digest...

Later that night, I started to play: " hot flash or fever"

My 30+hour fever started the night of the injection and by the morning, I felt every side effect from the paperwork list. Plus I got a "covid arm" from the vaccine. 

I thought everyone got a red swollen bump from shots...apparently not

I am at day 7 now, and it is almost not visible.

***

Then we roll into Mothers Day here in the US.

We have been on a waitlist with the recue group we adopted our cats from since November 2020

(right after we said goodbye to Xander)

After my second dose, we were invited to see 50 available kittens!

We went and spent 3hours meeting all of them... and hearing stories of how each of the in house mama cats had given birth there and the complications that some had encountered.

The kittens were all perfect and beautiful, the mama cats were enchanting and sweet and social.

The Barren kept going back to one enclosure and sitting with a teenage kitty.

I was sitting in the enclosure next to him and witnessed him falling in love.

The kitty walked into his lap, and fell asleep.

She looked at him the way our Theo used to look at him, 

it was so beautiful to see love transcend time and galaxies...it was his cat!!

I began to weep...it was such a powerful thing to witness!

When I entered the enclosure, I sat and she watched me. I leaned forward and asked her if she wanted to live with us....she walked over to me and got into my lap. 

She had selected her people.

We were offered the opportunity to foster her and have her give birth in our home!

We both went pale and said we were not emotionally stable enough if something was to happen.

After all she had just told us stories about the complications some of the mama cats had.

Our girl is YOUNG and SMALL and that scares us.

But of course, my IF talk came back into play and I began second guessing our choices...

Should we have her here now

Should be just "buckle up and grow some nerves"

should we...

what if we...

So for the record...

****

We didn't find a kitten, or even two...

we are adopting a pregnant teenage cat,

and when she gives birth, we will adopt one or more of her babies too...

The irony of the situation was not lost on me.

We left after telling the Rescue leader and I have signed up for volunteer hours 

(so I can visit her as she progresses to birth)

We are in our early 50's, 

we are adopting a teenager who is pregnant 

and will raise one or more of her babies too.

We are about three months away from having a kitty in our home again.

I am anxiously trying to get everything ready for them

Nesting?!

SERIOUSLY!!

When we got home Saturday night, I felt numb.

I half filled a tub and sat in it and began to wail...

Deep heaving crying...missing my kitty cats...wanting a connection like The Barren had gotten.

Fearful that it was all falling away from me.

I was like a woman possessed, I was wailing and talking to myself in whispers.

The Barren came in to find my in quite a bathtubbed state.

Crying, wailing, laughing whispering...like two people were having active conversations in my tub...

I sipped some water and The Barren sat to soothe me back into one mindbody.

I think that was all leftover from my sorrow...

I was so thankful that The Barren knew how to let it happen, and gave me space and no judgement.

I was mourning, and he recognized it.

Even in that moment-it was a reminder that my sorrow is deep, it travels across time, manifests in numbness, smiles and laughter. As I stepped out of the tub, intoxicated from the emotional ride I had just taken...I have learned to respect the space it needs from me, but not let it take over.

Mothering myself

With Mother's Day around the corner here in the US, I am on guard.

I am occupying myself with other busy work and distractions....

but I found myself alone and in front of the mothers day cards the other day while running errands. 

I suddenly felt myself OK making this a safe place for me, alone in the middle of the day on the card aisle staring at what appeared to be a football field long row of cards. 

Thankfully I am OK reading them when there isn't someone breathing over my shoulder 

or reaching for other cards from each of my sides.

I call that progress....

FYI, I also do this task now, a couple weeks ahead of the date...so that I feel as though I stumbled on idea of getting cards for my SIL and mom, without the pressure build up of this day.

Like, oh yeah, I need dish soap, thank goodness I passed it here in the store to remind myself...

kind of stumbled...I guess my version of nonchalant

My mood was lifted when I found this perfect card

It broke my serious mood

It broke my melancholy mood

It made me laugh at the perfect balance of sarcasm and candor:

ignore my punk rock nail polish and bath in the glory of this card 😊

I ended up with a different sarcastic card for my mom...but this one holds my heart.

* BOOM*

this lady is hysterical, watch some of her videos and laugh!
she is crass and funny and real!

Ok, so I dropped off the art this morning, making all my deadlines

pat on the back

and I wanted to treat myself to the chai I had mentioned before...but you see it was now

close to 11:30 am and EVERY single place was FILLED with brunchers...moms and brunchers.

I ended up going to a little coffeeshop I like that is filled with hippies, and today, 

NOT filled with brunchers and moms and babies and doting kids.

I got the caffeine, skipped the sweets and headed home to make a sandwich.

While making this sandwich, the Barren was working and had headphones on....I was about to settle into some crappy TV to take my mind off the business from this morning and just zone out.

I got a text...it read:

" I just had a strong feeling to wish you a happy mother's day. 

I know you don't have any kids, 

but I really feel like you have inspired many people

in your life through your art and your joyous spirit. 

By you just being you, you have raised up creative gifts, creative thinking, hope and joy in others. So for that, happy mothers day The Barreness!!!!!"

It knocked the wind out of me, I just about fell to the floor reading this.

My eyes swelled with tears and I could barely catch my breath.

This message was from a neighbor who I always say hello to, but have only gotten to visit with once.

We are friends on social media but really don't exchange much back and forth.

Hence the total shock 

I wrote back telling her that I was so deeply moved to tears by her loving gesture....

I was without words other than thank you.

I am still in kind of a daze...

a euphoric daze

Mothering

I called my mom and asked her what she wanted to do for Sunday.

 I offered up a meal or some time shopping or whatever she wanted. 

I told her it was her day and she called the shots.

After a lot of hemming and um mm-ing...she said, "lets have oatmeal on Monday before work".

I was kind of disappointed, but curious why she chose that.

She is going to the movies with my father and will most likely see something HE wants to see and sit quietly through the whole event. Maybe get a big popcorn or red vines.

My mother has in the past, chosen to let me retreat on this day. She has respected my grief and discomfort and allowed me to pamper her for the day or asked that I pamper myself...or understood why I hid.

This year I seem still, quite OK.

(Aside from the market yesterday, where THANK GOODNESS the checker greeted the woman behind me with Happy Mothers Day, he was just a "hey how ya doing" for us...whew....I told the Barren that I felt quite relieved by not having that as our greeting.)

Feeling like this year was way too quiet, 

I kept prodding her and she said....well, that is what I really want.

I said OK, oatmeal it is then.

So today, I will be driving artwork to a drop-off site, picking up some caffeine along the way (as a treat to myself) and watching the Barren blow his nose....he caught a cold.

I sent out a few cards...and will send a few text messages...but it seems like any other Sunday to me.

but I haven't left the house yet....

What now...

Firstly, thank you Stirrup Queens for mentioning my most recent post

(hearts and hugs and love to you)

thank you also to those who have arrived here because of her words

you too are AWESOME!

xoxoxxo

******

 

I was pretty spent once Monday rolled around.

What I neglected to mention was that the weekend prior to Mother's Day I went and got a box of 10 blank cards (in case I decided at the last minute to change my mind and not do this project, I could still use the cards for "real life"), in addition I also got a couple specially selected Mother's day cards for women in my life, my mother and a woman who was about to celebrate mother's day for the first time after 10years of struggling with IF.

I sat down the week before and hand wrote messages in each of them.

I took breaks, but sat there and thought about each woman and found myself imagining what her day would possibly be like. Sounds, smells, and sights.
I am sure I infused a bit of my own fantasies, but hell it was my project I can do what I want.

Yep, even mailed one to that SIL

 

I mailed them off on the Thursday before M.D.

and patted myself on the back,

thinking I might have taken the first step onto a new path.

One that had me beginning this new hope for a self that is more then infertility.
( I am a cautious hoper, I am sure many of us are now)

 

What ended up happening was that I couldn't stop thinking about those cards...
first I wondered if anyone got them
then I wondered if it meant anything to them
then I wondered why they didn't mention to me that they got a card from me
then I got depressed thinking I had spent energy trying to make myself evolve
and instead all I did was push myself back.

Was it worth it, I mean did I do it for the right reasons?
The jury is still out on that one.

In reflection:
Much like my NIAW writing, I am thinking that Mother's Day needs to be reduced in my mind, to something closer to Labor day; a holiday, but no one really knows what to do with it.
For me Mother's day will never be what I though it would be,
but I don't need to take it away from others.

So I am onto other more pressing items on my to-do list.
Step One: decide which direction to head

 

Fotunate Friday

OK so I missed my Thankful Thursday post...and turned it into this one instead.

As Sunday approaches I decided to take to the garden early yesterday. I got a funny email from a fellow gardener reminding me that my garden was overflowing with food and it I wasn't careful I would "miss the treasures from my garden".

Well I read that after I got past the, boy your garden needs to be tended undertones

I reminded myself that my garden played a key role in my recovery from depression and that it was well worth the early morning trip to tend it.

I am thankful....

As I was quietly pulling the peas and carrots and turnips from the vines and ground I could hear myself breath. I realized I was in active meditation. I was quiet, my mind was quiet and the world around me was calm. Scrub jays were picking at the cleared earth I was leaving behind and feasting on the insects and worms.

I was even.

I was tending to my mother and celebrating her.

My hubby bought tickets to a music thing three or four months ago and told me to mark my calendar for the dinner and music night. I did and realized it was the day before my fathers birthday....it wasn't until about a week ago that we were told that it also fell on MOTHERS DAY

I kissed him and was so sosososososos thankful that we had plans, months before being aware of it, that would keep us from the flurry of the day.

My mother is a wonderful person who has come to understand that I mostly want to run for the hills on Mother's day...and that this day has dramatically shifted me in a way I will never recover from.

She and I spend time together on our whims and are not dictated by a marked day on a calendar.

My Mother-in-law, she simply wants to be acknowledged by hubby and we do that and she is happy.

I sometimes feel badly that I have taken Mother's day away from my mother, like, because of my perception of the day I am not able to celebrate her anymore.

My Aunt use to throw these elaborate parties on Mother's day, she would invite all the women in the family and all the mothers would get gifts and cooed over and told how wonderful they were. I participated in these events for years and years...then when The Barreness moved in I couldn't go.

I was chastised and scolded that I was being selfish.

So I went.

There was a moment at these parties,when all the mothers are given gifts...I remember sitting there with my smile and a sunny made up disposition and watched people on all sides of me being given gifts.

I sat with my plastered smile, paralysed.

Then I remember Hubby simply handing me a fruity something.

I spent the rest of the event holding back tears and wondering why I had folded to family pressure.

From that party on I rejected future invitations, and was scolded and "black listed" for years.

My Aunt even tried to change the name of the event to Women's Day...but still hold it on the same Sunday.

I never went back...It has been 5years and just now, I am not spoken of in hushed whispers.

This is what I think of as Mother's day...isolation, depression and shame.

My garden yesterday wiped that all away.

I think I actually saw The Barreness standing by the fence, pouting.

Daydream

Mother and Daughter, Kathmandu Nepal

This morning while having a birthday breakfast for me brother, I got lost.

I slowly floated into a seduction.

I watched while my sister-in-law created a hairstyle out of my nieces tangled locks.

The slow brushing, the quiet contemplation of playing with the rubber bands.

The smell of her freshly cleaned hair and the warmth of the color.

My mother caught me, she wrapped her arm around me and gave me a kiss.

I was awoken into reality and my own messy locks.

Mothers Day

 

I made it thru mothers day...there was some drama, some backlash, some response to our absence.

I was able to turn the channel when a commercial came on, or when a movie played. I turned off the radio when an ad was touting the all you should do for your mother.

I mostly did damage control. Control potential damage. 

Mothers day also fell on my fathers birthday...I wanted to celebrate my dad's birthday but not Mothers day.

We did his birthday, a day early....it felt like we had moved his birthday, like I had asked them to change their lives because of our sensitives...this is still sitting heavy with me.

My father was a little upset that we don't celebrate mothers day...I am not sure he can really wrap his head around the depth of hubby and my loss; the daily reminders and images.

I managed to give gifts to four women, this year...it was the best I could do and was happy that I managed that. It was hard to walk past those of mother themed cards and images, but I did and came out with something for them. It hurt, but was manageable and I was able to pack it away into a box that I can address in smaller pieces as time passes.

We mostly stayed home, my hubby made us homemade waffles and we ate them causally and together.

We stayed inside and watched movies and in the afternoon attended an art event I was showing in.

The venue was filled with costumed children who shuttled about here and there squealing and laughing.

We heard a lot of people wishing each other a happy mothers day and I was silent...I tried to keep conversations on work and subject.

I felt mostly numb, mostly, sometimes it felt more like floating.
Like in a dream when you look in on yourself.

 

When I did feel, it was the deep deep sorrow that surrounds you like a bath.