Call Me

 

Shit is real

I have found myself on more than one occasion staring off into space.

Trying to figure out where the ground is, as everything seems to be floating in zero gravity.

I decided the days after the election, that I would spend time everyday calling my representatives and so far it has stuck.

I have an app on my phone that gives me scripts and direct lines to their Washington DC offices. Only one of my three actually have people answering phones, so the other two get multiple emails from me personally and then multiple emails via resistbot and robo emails.

Then I try and find things to do that distracts me from reality....I am also going to be attending some training on other facets, to see if it is something I am best suited for.

I am sickened in new ways everyday about HATE, RACISIM and MISOGYNY

I do not refer to the humanoids that have taken power as anything other than 

rumpled foreskin and the frat bois. 

I am truly at a loss for reason to be any kind of sympathetic to anyone who has chosen this.

I have drawn my line.

We are currently getting rain and it is the perfect scapegoat for me to stay home and doing other distracting tasks like organizing, rearranging and thinking of new art to make. Mostly what I have done is cook soup, move piles of tax paperwork and feel overwhelmed.

I visited my parents yesterday. My fathers psychology notes mentioned that he was considering leaving treatment, so I went to chat with him and ask why. He mostly was defensive and didn't want to bother anymore. I used reverse psychology and his love of self to remind him how much he loves the personal one on one time to talk about himself and that he is always saying that he wants to be a better person. These were opportunities for him to learn how to communicate better for himself and explain with words what was bothering him instead of just shutting down. My mother is supposed to start mental health treatment too, finally.

When I phoned today to see if he could recall our conversation from yesterday or even my visit, it took some prompts but maybe my words worked. I think he feels like this is his idea and that might make things continue to move forward.

I saw a friend yesterday, and they were taking photos. When they showed me a couple they had taken of me they said "you are always looking tired these days"

The Barren and I are trying to tie up some loose ends with legal documents so that we can get them off our plate and mind. Things here in the US are unfolding in unpredictable ways and we are trying to make decisions while watching people chase laser pointers and claim they are real space lasers.

So to recap, I make phone calls...loads of calls

many of which feel like I am screaming, politely, into a void.

I am calling my ancestors, asking for guidance; asking for a path though, as my generational trauma bubbles to the surface of my dreams and thoughts...

I feel at times like life is eating me up...and I am constantly pulling myself out of its mouth and reclaiming a moment of quiet or space or peace.

I do hope that something is brighter and beautiful where you are

Self-awareness

    Joan Brown Painting

 I took my first solo trip in well over a decade to spend two days with my bestie.

I left The Barren behind to care for the cats, himself and the house while I flew away to have a girls weekend. It wasn't the girls weekend of movie types, there was no spa, or wine country or even a road trip. It was a cheap easy airplane ticket purchased back in September, on a whim with hopes of having some time with a friend.

It worked. My bestie put me up in her newly built studio in the backyard. I arrived between "bomb cyclone" storms hammering my state. I am a nervous flyer, so the idea of flying in storms was not ideal, but I love my bestie and I realllllllllly wanted to girl time, some me time. I lucked out, and the rain and wind had stopped for an hour while I flew there and an hour while I flew home. 

We spent the time walking the dog, chatting and squeezed in one museum visit 💓

There was also shuttling her hubby and kiddo to practices and grocery shopping.

Most of our time was chatting; bemoaning marriage challenges and life roadblocks. There is something unique and beautiful about a friend that knows you, and has known you for decades.  They spot when you are bull-shiting yourself, and when you are downplaying something. We both are vacillating with extreme creative joy and feelings of self doubt. Struggling to find time to sit with ourselves and accepting our new bodies as we walk this new menopause path. She is facing an empty nest this summer and how dramatically that will change her life and how much of her current life has been taken over with others schedules and expectations.

It was a gift to listen to her and her concerns for her kid and pre-college. I found myself in a rare position, I was able to offer help with things that are just too much to add to her plate. When I shared this with The Barren I was greeted with a huge smile and I think the two of us felt empowered in a small way. A way that would really matter to this kiddo.

When she was pregnant with this human, I was trying and failing to stay pregnant. In many ways her child is another time marker, both The Barren and I adore this human and we are overjoyed to be a person they call with questions and someone they can count on. My bestie and I were the same age her kiddo is when we first met...and that magic is not overlooked.

We walked the dog in large open parks in the mist and drizzle, around neighborhoods and chatted, never finding a moment without a topic to muse about. We shared meals and caffeine and window shopped in places near her home, but she never had time to explore. It was an amazing two days, we were both left exhausted and partially healed from the time we had lost over the last years in isolation. It was bitter sweet to say goodbye in the pre-dawn airport drop-off. 

We hope to meet somewhere between our two homes in the next 6months or so...life is riding us both hard these days and so it is fun to place a marker for another weekend out into the universe. (we chat almost daily via text, but spending time together is hard to come by)

When I lined up to board the plane, I got a weird feeling, I couldn't really place it but something was strange. Something was off...I brushed it aside and got my seat. It was announced that it was a full plane, so I moved from the aisle to the middle seat in my row. Someone was already at the window, when another person asked if the aisle seat was taken I said "nope, it is all yours".

After seeing everyone file onto the plane, and hear that it was full I realized what was off...

the WHOLE plane, aside from me and a disabled couple at the front row, was students.

I found myself sitting between two people that were clearly in college, and I sat there with nothing in my hands but my own hands. No phone, no tablet, no book or magazine...no distraction just my own hand to hold. My mind started to do math, I could be either of these peoples mother, I was old enough and they were the right age. I was flying in a live action reminder of an alternative timeline. The plane cabin was silent, everyone was plugged into something...meanwhile, I pretended to sleep, I pretended to make mental notes, mostly I was trying to distract myself for the hour long flight home and not collapse into a puddle of tears thinking about all the what-ifs.... Yep, it is an hour long flight, what a luxury. 

It was a long weekend, The Barren picked me up and we got breakfast. As we were sipping tea while it drizzled he asked me what my favorite part of the trip was, did something create a core memory?

 I started to laugh and told him that it was AMAZING to have a hot flash with my bestie.

We were walking in the museum gallery, both of us doing our own looking. Then I realized I was warm, then warmer, then dripping sweat, each stage removing more and more layers of clothing. Meanwhile my bestie was experiencing a similar thing on the opposite side of the room. We met on a viewing bench, to both dig into our purses to grab a hair tie and pull our hair off our necks. giggling about how we were carrying our coats in our arms and it looked like we were dragging blankets from gallery to gallery. That, that will stay with me forever....not feeling alone, laughing and feeling vulnerable together, we understood each other perfectly without saying a word.

Pacing and Crying

So last week I woke up and said, I should get a few things in case this changes.

The Barren and I made a list and I headed out to the shop to get what we needed.

It was way way harder than that.

I arrived to a shop that has bulk bins, as we are trying to reduce packaging in our lives.

I was greeted by chaos, and empty shelves and dazed people.

Some were just trying to do their weekly shopping but the others were stock piling!

I stood in line and bought some of the items we were looking for.

I made a second stop at a health food store to pick up some of the other items then came home and took a nap. On waking up I headed to the traditional grocery store to see if there was any dried pasta or sauce...insanity there too, people buying frozen pizza and hungry man tv dinners.

I picked up some fresh produce and pasta....thankfully there were loads of pre-made vegan options available.

The Barren and I went to the Indian market on Saturday and got a bag or rice and lentils and spices.

the owner is a wonderful lady who was OVERWHELMED by people buying ALL the rice.

It is like something from a movie

I went to work (it is myself and my brother) on Sunday to avoid people. 

I asked him how and when were we educated on what to buy in case the world has a pandemic? 

I went out yesterday to get medicine for the cat and pick up eggs for The Barren...

no luck on the eggs.

I awoke from a panic attack this morning and face-timed my brother...

we were both in bed and he showed me my nephew putting together this lego set that he finally was able to get from Christmas (he had to earn it in no attitude and such)

I then called my parents in tears, telling them that if they make bad choices, and end up in the hospital I won't be able to see them.

My father has taken this all as a personal insult and it fighting all real logic with toxic positivity.

He heard my tears and made promises, the last time I did this was when he didn't tell anyone he was having chest pains for a couple days.

I think I screamed at him then ...

So this is the normal here.

Hubby and I are getting along ok, and he is working from the kitchen table and so his ability to walk away from work at the end of the day is harder now...

I hope this weekend we will have some change, maybe a walk outside.

Oh- we are suppose to go to Farmers Market on Saturday morning in hopes to get eggs.

and more fresh veggies.

I am trying to suppress my panic at not making any money right now

 and wondering how I might pay bills...

I don't have to get political to express my disappointment at not knowing what is going on.

Being frustrated that my town doesn't have enough test kits or swabs to test people with.

I keep hearing that our food supply is stable, but just got word from a neighbor who went out that there are empty shelves and no paper products to be had.

The Barren is flirting with a bidet attachment for the toilet now.

I am fine with that.

It feels like I was blindsided by this all...and the more I dip my toe into the news

the more horrible it is, and so so so sad.

This all feels like a movie

I am floating in this horrible movie that I never wanted to see.

I am scared and unsure what to do to make this upturned ship right itself.

I assume we all feel like this though 

and there is a sense of comfort in that too.

kind of

invisible

I see colors when I close my eyes.

I first noticed it in meditation class and it was a wonderful illumination for me.

Ideas flow and colors are beacons of emotions.

No one else can see the colors I see when I close my eyes;

They are invisible to everyone else.

I had a massage last week and mentioned to the therapist that 

I see a particular color when she works on my back.

She made a comment on what a lovely color it was and 

mentioned that another one of her clients, sees gold when she has her feet massaged.

It unfazed her and I was validated and understood.

It was no surprise or a weirdness to her.
*sigh*

I am finding that invisibility seems to be a reoccurring theme as of late.
I feel unseen for the most part...able to pass through the day unnoticed, or forgotten.
When the feeling floods me, I tend to send out love notes to friends.
Either by text or actual cards in the mail.
I send notes of encouragement
notes of love
notes to simply tell a person they are held in high regard
notes of strength to act as floats;hoping to keep your head above water
I send notes that say Hi I am checking in on you

For the most part these are not really acknowledged.
Like my notes become invisible once I drop them into the postbox.

I continue to send them despite the lack of response.
I believe that no matter what, kindness matters.
I send them because I want to, not that I expect a response.
(but isn't it nice to know they found their person?)

The Barren keeps asking what I want to do to celebrate my upcoming birthday.
I turn 50 this year...
a number I am still baffled at, but a number that designates
how many times I have spun around that glorious ball of burning gas in the sky.

I come up empty each time he asks.
Shrinking from embarrassment.
As much as I know how much this frustrates him, I have no ideas.
He keeps asking if I want a party?
I would love a party...but
Honestly, the first thing that comes to mind is " who would come? "
I could invite all those people I send love notes to,
but I am really scared no one would show up.
It would simply highlight how untangled I am among the people I know.

We've thrown parties before where everyone who says they are coming,
 calls the day of the party and tells us they can't make it...
leaving us with a table full of food and us in our PJ's dazed as to what happened.

I continue to try and reach out to people I meet at the yoga studio or in life
but keep coming up "hot potato-ed"

I know this sounds like a pity party...but I am really struggling to crack this code.
What do you do for your birthday if you are without people you spend time with?

My bestie lives a days drive away, and we have hopes to meet somewhere
half-way this year for a weekend girl getaway.
(that is something to be excited about)

I want to help hubby
Maybe if we simply go to a park and set out a picnic,
and if no one shows it would still be a nice day in a park with snacks
and not hurt as much as it feels right now.

Does anyone out there feel invisible?

The Letter

"Yoga Goddess, 

I have debated reaching out...but felt it was important for you to know that you have a secret ally in your corner.

I am sorry life is sucking so very badly...

This is not the way you imagined....anything.

I can not imagine what you are going through, but I can empathize as we spent nearly a decade trying to build a family.

When we were trying there was not a lot of resources and still a lot of stigma.

I found this site very helpful for resources and knowledge:

she has organized everything (left side) under topics and it might help in some way.

https://www.stirrup-queens.com

Please forgive me if I have overstepped or made you feel like you haven't thought of this yourself.

I am happy to answer any questions you might have or 

help in anyway you might find you are in need of.

I continue to be a dedicated yogi, and friendly face in the crowd.

Smiles and hopes,

The Barreness "

I was haunted with words of advice for the owner of the studio I practice at when:

 she made the start of her IVF journey public knowledge. 

Then came the public spreadsheet of drug costs 

and 

then came the crowd funding page set up by a friend. 

I was going to tell her that pain does not equate your desire to be a mother.

That simply putting the desire out was enough 

but then I realized that she is most likely getting an earful...so I sent the email above.

She responded soon there after, kindly:

"Thank you so much Barreness this means a lot to me!

I’m proud of you for reaching out, and so happy you did. 

I will definitely check out the site you sent over. 

Love you tons!

Xoxo

Yoga Goddess"

At the end of the day I saw it as a call to action.

It was more important to reach out to a fellow woman in need than

sit and watch how this all unfolded...

Like it was no big deal

So we had an earthquake this morning.

As a native Californian I have ridden a few out.

My mom tells the story that when I was a baby 

there was a really big quake and it rocked me back to sleep in my crib.

I am no stranger to quakes.

In 1990's there were a couple big bad ones that I was privy too...

one had me rush out of a bathroom in a restaurant because the walls were bowing.

The second was so big, it cracked my grandmothers apartment building and my mother and I drove in to be with her and return to her blackened home for some valuables as the aftershocks kept rattling it, it was like being in a bouncy house but the house was a 3 story apartment building.

(I do not recommend this and my mother does not always make the best decisions)

I think there were 10+ aftershocks that day....

This mornings earth movement was mild compared to those.

It has rattled a lot of people near the epicenter and 

there are no serious injuries reported which is great!

I was on the phone with a cousin who lives in Mexico and said

" oh we are having a quake"

the line was silent 

and then I said "it is still rolling but we are fine."

that is how caviler I can be when I identify the type of quake.

it rolled for 20 seconds.

the plants swayed, the coo coo clock chains swayed the cat paced up and down the hallway...

then it was settled.

No need to take cover, no bowed walls or cracked foundation or turning off the gas.

I have not felt any aftershocks.

We are about 200 miles away from the epicenter so that comes as no surprise.

As soon as it stopped I got a call from a friend who lives around the corner

frantic and panicked and out of sorts and firing rapid questions my way

she is from Florida, so is not prepared for earth movement:

" OMG what was that !

is there a Tsunami warning

where do we go if there is one

I don't like those

I am shaking

What should I do

what is the protocol

hubby is just sitting here like it is no big deal "

I tried REALLY hard to not laugh and assured her that what she just felt was a 

MELLOW experience for an earthquake and that she was safe

Normally you brace yourself in a doorway

DO NOT run outside

wait for the shaking to stop than go about your day.

If there was a Tsunami warning out cell phones would siren

and that street across from your house is taller that your house...

go up there if there is a warning.

stay away from windows and anything that could fall on you

BTW your house is a single story...

the safest kind

you are in the safest house for an earthquake...

you are safe and laugh it off.

(I think I said safe a million times to try and soothe her)

She thanked me and hung up

I checked on her two hours later and she said she was still shaking.

She takes her time processing things I guess...

I laughed a bit while making breakfast

it was alright...I could not do anything to prevent it

we were together and safe

it was over

just a normal California day as far as I was concerned.

 Happy Thursday!

I am going to make some 4th of July tacos now

Mudslides

*****hard read***death****babies***tragic situations*****

that is not a river, that is the freeway 

The fire, which is still not 100% contained, has left nothing on our surrounding mountains, valleys, canyons and roads. There is no habitat and the animals that are found are badly burned or sick.

and if that is not heartbreaking enough...

Monday night we got our first rain, and in one nearby town they got 8 inches of rain in 15 minutes!

It created a large debris flow (topsoil, dead plants and trees, boulders) and mudslide that has destroyed the quiet community and so far resulted in 16 deaths and over two dozen people still missing, hundreds trapped via inaccessible roads on their roofs and many more injured. 

Airlift evacuations and evacuations via military vehicles and personnel are currently taking place. There are search dogs and search and rescue personnel currently looking for survivors and those who have perished.

Some of these people did not heed the mandatory and voluntary evacuation orders, still ruffled from finally being home after being displaced by the fire only a couple of weeks ago; but the majority of them were in a warning area...which is "a be prepared to leave but we are on watch and wait" kind of order. So they were totally taken off guard. The mud slid at 3:30am- I got an emergency flash flood warning on my phone at 3:40am (even though I am not in the area, it went out like an Amber Alert)

There is one main highway that connects my community to this community and that is covered in mud and debris and it stretches for about 30 miles.

The sound of helicopters once again fills the skies and the photographs are too much to bear.

The video footage is constant and it is a race against time to find the missing.

Although we are all spread out, it is a small community where people know people or have visited their shops or restaurants.

The photos of the missing are heartbreaking and when you recognize someone your heart sinks and regardless of your spiritual belief you start hoping for the best.

None of these people deserved this, no one should have to go through this, regardless of choices made; good or bad.

There was a couple interviewed by news agencies yesterday, both in shock, rescued from the roof of their home, transported by military personnel to a safe spot. They were getting onto their roof when the man heard a baby, he found a baby under four feet of mud, cleared the mud from its mouth and it was helicoptered away (it is expected to survive)...he said he didn't know where it came from.

If he had not been evacuating, he could not have saved it.

I was torn into a million pieces seeing this yesterday, as you can imagine.

I am taking care of myself, unable to go to work or yoga class 

I am in the studio making or trying to make art.

Hoping for more survivors and good stories

all to the background hum of helicopters

hug your loved ones

hug your friends

offer a kind word to a stranger

be kind to yourself

Self Awareness

stop the hate, both in yourself and for others

it has been too long....

I have been distracted, by everything...struggling to focus on anything.

I have spread myself thin and opaque.

I started to feel overwhelmed by life...

like I was responsible for everyone, and everything.

I was trying to change the world single-handedly.

I felt the responsibility of everyone's white privilege, I needed to take responsibility for every act of racism and sexism and xenophobia I saw, heard or read.

It became too much!

I was becoming paralyzed.

I have started to triage my life again...it is going much slower than I thought it would...

but I think I have landed on the right path, at least for now it feels like it.

I am still quite politically active, far more than I have ever been in my life!

I find writing a postcard and sending it off is QUITE cathartic.

cheap therapy...I recommend it to anyone; write about anything and send it to anyone!

I had forgotten to take my Vitamin D and felt the effects of the deep sadness...

I have remedied that now as well.

I have been kinder to myself when 4am comes around, and I simply don't feel like driving 40+ miles into town early for practice.

 I know I need to go at least three times a week but sometimes that doesn't happen and that is OK. 

I have felt the changes of aging without children.

My best friend (we live far to many miles from each other) was in town for 36hrs for an art installation and asked me to help. Which I gladly did. She needed to race home to be with her kiddo for his 12th birthday....when I asked he about the day he was born, she started to cry and looked me in the eyes and said that she now knows so many people who can't have children besides me and she feels so thankful that after her miscarriage she was able to get pregnant again and that she is so sorry.

I hugged her and told her it was not a burden she needed to bear, she was allowed to complain and be frustrated and thankful all at the same time!

I felt her pain so deeply.

I have been feeling EVERYTHING so so so deeply.

It is another aspect of my overwhelming of life.

My niece turns 13 today, I unconsciously calculate where I was in trying to create our family.

Each of these children in our lives are markers of how far down the path we have walked.

How far away from our hopes of a child we have wandered.

The birth announcements are father apart now, and the birthdays are larger numbers.

I know the second round, generation is on the horizon...I wonder if I will still calculate where I was on the day they were born...how long that marker of memory will last and when it might be replaced with a memory of them...simply them and me.

Time marches on

Source

Ducklings in paper dresses....lets start here.

Okay

I have been wanting to write here.

I just got back from a weekend visit with my bestie.

We live several hundred miles apart and so visiting often is quite involved.

This time, we made arrangements a month+ ahead of time 

and I got an AirBnB 

and had The Barren take an extra day off to recover from the travel time.

When we arrived we hit the ground running.

My bestie talked my ear off <3 p="">

She was sooooooooo excited to see me that she just kept talking and talking and talking....

It was great and exhausting.

I ate like a queen, 

and covered The Barren in kisses of appreciation 

for making and supporting the time away.

The Barren was recovering/processing of sorts, 

from a sudden and unexpected death of a coworker.
This time together was needed.

We spent the time away talking and being quiet and just being.

Bestie has a child, who we are close with and who is the most well adjusted 

young person I have ever known.

He is an only child and has been treated as a human from day one 

and it is reflected in his mood and demeanor.

The Barren and I are listed as caregivers should something horrible happen to his parents.

He was able to choose, and we were happy to be those people for him.

So it is all legal and stuff...

He is growing up fast and has landed firmly into tweenhood

Time marches on

I got this photo in my email today:

"do you recognize the blanket"

I made that blanket for her older brother as a baby shower gift.

It was a reminder of how far down this road I have traveled.

How long ago I was making blankets for friends babies, and wishing for my own.

Like a moving meditation, make a blanket, earn more points to me getting a baby of my own.

The above child was conceived while I was having miscarriages and I threw her mother a shower, thinking I could still do it all. 

Once this little lady was born, I told her mom (who I've known since we were 14yrs old)

that I could not be what she needed of me...

she has respected that and we send hellos every once in a while.

Time marches on

Then today I also got an email asking if someone could use an image from my Infertility Art Exhibition....this exhibition was 6 years ago and I am still getting requests for image use.

AMAZING

time marches on

Here I am three weeks away from my first miscarriage anniversary and I am getting reminders of how long ago we left the path for parenthood but also how far we have traveled.
Time marches on

Kindness

I have decided to make a bigger effort to choose positive 

in my daily life....

I believe the power of one person can make a difference.

I have chosen to be more good

Believe in LOVE and Goodness

it is always bigger than hate

Time has passed and I am growing it seems

So I haven't posted in a while...I am not completely sure why.

Barbara Kruger's artwork
"Have me Feed me Hug me Love me Need me"

I spent the month of April visiting art museums....The Barren declared the whole month would be spent art gazing, and I was not going to argue with that logic! Plus he said it was the perfect way to celebrate my birthday....so we did.
It was amazing and inspiring and wonderful. We were able to break him free of work on most of those weekends and just enjoy wandering galleries and talking about thoughts that the art inspired.

Quite beautiful

I forgot Infertility Awareness week...I am aware of our infertility, and so are most of our friends....it didn't seem like something I needed to soapbox this year. So I didn't

I celebrated my birthday quite quietly. I made myself a cake and ate a piece the eve of my birthday. I went to yoga in the morning and didn't tell anyone and then at the end of class someone wished me a happy birthday and throughout the week, I was surprised with birthday wishes....it was sweet.

I then got my annual cold and spent the week following my birthday laid out like a shivering, stuffy nosed sloth under the covers. This cold triggered me getting my period a week early-even while on birth control and now next week I get my period again....that is if this period stops first.
sigh

My bestie made it through (OK I made it through) her month residency and made a SHITLOAD of artwork, but also missed her husbands cooking as the food provided was less than stellar and mostly tater tots. I am complaining for her....hahaha she'd never complain.

I have landed firmly in 46.
I don't seem fazed by it and that is great with me.
My mother had her knee replaced at 44 and the fact that I am still not there is a MAJOR highlight of a milestone in personal goals.

Mother's day is looming, but my mom made plans and she said they are declaring it Sunday.
I think she is doing that to make me feel better, and I am thankful for that too....

I think that I am mostly settling into who I am meant to be now...post-infertility.
I discover something new about what I do and don't want, what I can actually do...and often give myself permission to go forward with that train of thought.
Recently, friends are talking about stressful kid scenarios and I just look at The Barren and say
"Not jealous of that!"
That is HUGE for me, for us....

Day Three

My bestie got a residency here and is going to be gone for almost a month.....

out of range and texting and distractions.

I am thrilled for her, and I know she will excel with the time away from family responsibilities and work drama. She needs this time, her artwork needs this time.

It is only day three,

 and I am finding myself and the inability to connect with her at any time challenging.

We normally text each other everyday

I spoke with her the night before she left and wished her well and told her to have a super fun time!

Inside I was crying, and it felt like when we were headed to different colleges.

I will miss her greatly, but can not wait to see what she makes while away.

The Barren took me into the big city to see an exhibition I had been dreaming of seeing since I was a teenager...it was a good distraction and inspiring and offered some real time with him.

Such beautiful, moving work

I was reminded of my own darkroom practice, 

my desire to make images that move, confuse, and connect with people.

I cried a few times viewing the work.

Not only remembering my own days gone by, 

but seeing this brilliant artist disappear before my eyes in his self portraits.

Mortality and disease

We ate a lot on our day out and away, 

I even indulged in some vegan "junk food"

eating a mac n cheeze pizza!

it did have broccoli on it, in my defense

The following day was spent on site with a project I am the photographer for.

We were out in the hills and outside all day.

I almost stepped on a snake

picture of snake "walking away" from me and my foot

I have since been editing and distracted until today....today I am floating.

I will work on art for the next few days. The Barren has been working way too many hours, both at work and working at home. He is stressed and it appears that tickets we had to secure almost three months ago will go unused for another weekend getaway, as his work clients are a big drama queen.

With his extended hours and my desire to maintain a studio practice and my second job schedule and early yoga classes, we are now not often able to spend time together until the weekend...at best.

Our schedules are almost opposite of one another.

I got a text from him this morning:

" at work...feeling a bit sad and lonely. : (

hope you are doing OK"

I was nearby and offered to swing by for a hug and a kiss and a cuddle,

but he was in between meetings and couldn't break away, even for a moment.

I am thankful that we still check in with each other.

Relationships take work, everyday.

I never take that for granted, and neither does he.

I make dinner every night for us, making sure that there is always a homemade meal 

at the end of a pressure ridden day. 

Something made with care.

We see each other at this time and shortly there after I am off to bed 

and he is still too wound up to sleep.

So we meet on the weekends.

My relationships super sucks right now, 

but I an hopeful and know that many aspects are temporary. 

Things I can do

So I have been busy with my personal self created to-do lists. 

Top on that list was (see I did it) updating my personal artist website.

My old website was managed and maintained by a friend...and by friend I mean ex-boyfriend.

I maintain a relationship with my ex, it has been over 25 years now.

The Barren has zero issue with this, and I am beyond thankful that one of the many fine qualities is that he understands that people mean something to me, and that my past comes with me.

 So having a relationship with my ex totally makes sense to him and he respects that.

We (ex and I) decided long ago that we could not throw away all the time we had spent together,
 so we would stay friends, plus it was the adult thing to do. 

I know that this is quite unique and makes some people very uncomfortable...but that is just a fact.

He decided to sleep with someone else, so I left him (had to get a jab in there somewhere)

 I met The Barren about 6months there after.

I am not going to say that we had a perfect relationship, or that this friendship has not be hard at times, but we both feel it is worth maintaining it.

We were young and said hurtful things, I lost myself in the process. Some of what was done/said has taken a long time to grow past or let go of...but time marched on and we seem to always go to one another for some sense of support or creative guidance.

His partner (the same one he was with when we were together) had a hard time getting on board with it, but has come to understand that this friendship is not going anywhere 

and it is not a threat to them or her.

Over the years the ex has helped me make creative decisions, and is a good editor and creative sounding board and reference guide. We help each other out with creative things as we seem to understand each other that way still.

I had been wrestling with website design options and he stepped in and researched all the pros and cons of each, helping me see the highlights of them. I get overwhelmed with minute details and he helped clear that up.

We had decided to met face to face to discuss the final player/options and styles etc...at a coffeehouse he'd never been to before...I had been emailing and texting with him constantly but had not seen him face to face in over two years! 

When the time came for us to meet, he was no where to be found...

I could feel my heart pounding and all these feeling from when I was a teenager came back...

he is blowing me off

he "forgot"

his partner had a tantrum and he is not coming

I texted The Barren and asked how long to wait...he responded that the ex is notoriously late, and to give it a half an hour. I paced in my mind while trying to maintain my composure in my seat...slowly sipping tea. When the half hour mark arrived I slowly packed up my things and decided to walk around the block, thinking I'd catch him just arriving or check another nearby coffee house that maybe he was there instead.

Turns out that he was, at another location...the first one we talked about meeting at...but changed from that place to the new one.

When he saw me, he gave me a look that made me feel like a silly 19yr old again...he was disappointed, frustrated and convinced that I had gotten it all wrong.

I took a deep breath maintained a smile and said, "I'm glad we found each other."

He said he had looked into the coffee shop I was waiting in but, didn't dare enter it as he had never been there before. So he returned to the original local assuming I'd be there.

(I was sitting at a table that was blocked by a stone column so he could not see me from the outside).

We walked back to the coffee shop I had just left, in time for me to continue finishing my tea (they hadn't even cleared the cup and pot yet)

He sat down and we began to catch up a little. I mostly listened, he was nervous and it was awkward...needless to say we chatted and switched to a smaller table when we realized we didn't need a wall plug as originally thought.

 The morning sun was out and beaming me right in the eye and side of my face...making me sit back farther and farther..the ex noted that he could see the sun beaming me, but that he was in the shade and so didn't stop conversation, it did make me realize a simple and sweet thing about The Barren*

The talk of the website was minor, as I had most of my ideas clearly set and when I had had enough of the sun and the conversation had turned to filler I offered to drive him home, so he didn't have to walk back. We drove back to his place, I dropped him off at the curb and waved goodbye.

I then proceeded to go home, set up my account, and begin designing the new website.

In the last week it has formed into a completed vision, that I made all on my own.

The kick start was a rough one, mostly filled with self doubt over my abilities, 

but that turned out to be smoke and mirrors and trick doors.

I even designed a new name logo....

I sent a link to the ex last night declaring that it was live, and he responded that it looked great!

I was quite proud of myself.

I feel as though I am free from a shadow.

Like his control over my web presence is no longer over me...

I have taken back control over me again.

I doubted my abilities but I was wrong....

I can do it, and well at that!

*The Barren always makes sure I am out of the sun, if I was at this table with The Barren, we would have packed up and moved to another with no words or fuss...just a matter of fact and no pause in conversation.

It is amazing how things from many years ago can still feel so fresh and accessible in our hearts.  

The ex has never wished any ill will on me and always expressed his desire that nothing come in my way, so I continue to pursue my art...in fact when I told him I was getting married, he wanted to make sure that The Barren would never snuff out my artistic desires or freedom of motion.

Then declared he was off to join the French foreign legion...hahaha

When I told him I couldn't have kids, he sent a sweet note that it was super sad, and wished it would be different for us.

He broke my heart 25 years ago, but in the middle of it all I had the strength to march onward with my head held high and find myself again and the person I was meant to spend my lifetime with. 

I am thankful, he in turn found his life mate too.

We have grown since then, said a lot of "I didn't mean that" and versions of "I'm sorry" and can now joke about things...

at least I can, in fact I still refer to a painting he gave me when we broke up as
"what I got in the divorce settlement"

I can hold my head up high, feel smart and do things without hesitation.

I can do all these things!

New Years Eve

I have been focusing on this concept.

In many facets of my life.

I think it is natural to want to assess the year as it winds out, 

I do it on my birthday too...the marker of time and accomplishments.

New years is always somewhat sad for me...I get really melancholy for some reason.

In reflecting on eve's gone by, I realize that I was always sort of sad...

maybe it is really the quiet that is reflection...and not sadness at all.

I have found that in these last few weeks I have been consciously letting go.

In petty arguments

in petty goals (no this has to go here....)

 in what I think I am right about, or wrong about 

There is a sweetness to letting go.

I feel less heavy in those moments, when I realize I am making a choice to be better

or more aware or less concerned.

When shit hit the fan many years ago, I sought help after feeling like I was falling into an abyss...

My therapist once played back my recording when I was looking for someone to help me

" Hi I just found out I can't have kids and I need help dealing with this. 

I feel lost and dark. Are you accepting new patients?"

Damn...that was raw and brave! Even in the face of the fire breathing Barreness, I stood there with my shield held high enough to not get charbroiled, and instead call for help.

In those dark days, I tried to find help in words...
and picked up When things fall apart. 
I liked the idea of a female monk helping me.
Many of her words did and although I didn't finish the book,
I took what I needed from it and walked further away from the Dragon.

"When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality. (9)” 
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

Letting go seems to have become a subtle theme for me this year.
I have had to learn how to let go of people
Many of whom have transcended this world this year...most unannounced
I have started to REALLY let go of my subtitles, and simply be me.
I am trying, all the time
At times it is exhausting, trying to be so self aware and present that I loose the starting point...
It is easy to get lost in this big wide world...but holding on tighter to EVERYTHING is not the answer. At least, it is not the answer for me.

I met with a friend that was moving away recently, she was super high on where she was moving.
That she was ending her broken marriage, and making her own path.
Manifest destiny
The whole dinner, she talked and talked and talked about this new city she was moving to
she had memorized all the neighborhoods and what events happened when and how she was going to try it all, even things she never did before.
I sat through this whole dinner listening, openly listening...not the kind of listen that you appear to be listening, but really you are planning your response or next sentence.
When she came up for a breath, it was time to go.
I hugged her goodbye, wished her well and walked to my car confused.
I was feeling something but wasn't sure what it was.
It took most the rest of the night and then I realized what it was.
We had grown in two separate ways, and we were not able to really relate anymore.
I came to a moment of peace, I figured it out and was proud of myself for it.

A similar thing happened over the holidays,
I met a friend that I was super close to from high school in through college
He met me before I had plans to meet some ladies for tea.
He piggybacked on the date so to speak...he lives on the other side of the country
we use to talk alllllll the time, then he got married and it happened less and less often.
Now it is down to a text message at our respective birthdays.
This holiday,he texted that he was in town and I should come over to his brothers place to hang out while his family got ready to leave and go to a nearby town to meet with other family.
Initially I was upset at how caviler he acted about the text.
The Barren holds anger towards him for dropping me like a potato.
Instead, I explained that I was meeting some friends nearby, so why not meet me there early and we can chat ahead of the tea....
He first said no and then said sure.
When he did show up, he got two sentences in before his wife showed up and sat down next to him and listened to the conversation. (she said hello to me but that was about it, it is pretty commonplace for her. She use to interrupt the talks saying it was time to go) then his brother and wife and kids showed up...our little talk was witnessed by my girlfriends who scurried off into the cafe while we had our "nothing conversation" and talk about the weather.
About ten minutes in he said, well you better get some tea...and with that we hugged goodbye and that was that.
When I joined my girlfriends they said " WHAT WAS THAT?!" claiming that I had a smile on my face the whole time but clearly he was uncomfortable. I explained that he use to be my best friend from age 15 and once he got married, his wife was dead set on making sure he stopped our friendship...so it has grown apart. He is now really just a guy I went to high school with that I know a lot about. They asked why I was smiling so much, I told them....I was glad to see him.
I sent a text to him later that day saying it was nice to see him
it is yet to be replied to.
Growth
No hard feelings, just understanding.

I am thinking about what I want for myself for this next year.
I am thinking that wanting things/goals for myself is not a kind of selfish that has a negative connotation, but instead is a way to allow see myself grow!
I am looking to improve my self talk
and my belief in self worth


Wishes for a many leveled, many bright
many wonderful wishes new year to you all
  

Time passes

As time passes I am finding myself identifying less and less as an infertile woman 

and simply a woman without children. 

Maybe those words place less blame, or guilt. 

Maybe that is simply growing.

I have even considered unsubscribing from some websites and blogs that are in the middle of their discovery. Not because I do not want to offer support but simply because it is energy I have spent and can not afford to spend any longer.

I guess this time passing, has distanced me from the central heart of the pain.

The pain is no longer raw

The pain only appears in small short moments.

I am no longer consumed by the monster

The Barreness seems to have stopped poking me

at least that is how it feels right now.

I had a successful exhibition, in fact I sold one of my pieces before the show opened 

and the other on opening night!

I felt like I was floating on a lily-pad, afraid to move to quickly 

and fall into the cold murky pond.

But it was real, I really did it.

A fellow art friend told me I was no longer allowed to feel surprised by my art sales.

I had sold work every year from that show and it was time to get over it.

I smiled

 and then told The Barren, over sake shots after the event, that I liked 

life surprises, and that not feeling a bit of shock and disbelief seemed unnatural for me.

I deserve this success, and I deserve to feel proud

but I also can enjoy the surprise and glee associated with a sale.

We have been running non stop for most of this month already,

social commitments and events.

Now we are done, and just have the holidays to figure out.

We went to our last social commitment last night and it was hosted by a painter friend who has a big show opening in New York on Tuesday. She filled her home with friends and family for an annual get together. Since last years event, she has had a baby and so have many of her friends. In fact at one point, the house was filled with little kids and toddlers screaming, running and slamming doors while two very patient boston terriers watched and avoided them. I sat on the couch with three friends across from The Barren who was chatting with the spouses of the the friends and found myself unconcerned about the chaos.

In fact, totally unfazed.

I didn't need to find my kid, or ask the kids to stop....

not my monkeys, not my circus

As we were gathering up to leave I looked down to put on my coat 

and saw a little green chair, with a pair of little shoes in it.

it was sublime and sweet and 

The Barren and I both just exhaled and moved on to saying our goodbyes

It is moments like that, that I realize that time has passed.

The moments of a magical childhood for our never to be child have begun to age.

We are learning to live life again, be who are suppose to be after all that we have been 

and all that we can still be.

I was that girl

"A 23-year-old American college student who was killed in the Paris attacks was described as a “gifted student” by her teachers and beloved by her friends.

Nohemi Gonzalez was killed Friday night at the bistro La Belle Equipe in Paris. She was spending time with friends when a gunman opened fire on the scene and fatally wounded her."

When I heard about the attacks in Paris I froze, I literally could not process anything at all.
                                                                         *******

Many years ago, when I was in my early 20's I was a student studying in Paris, living out my dream of being an artist in the epicenter of my creative forefathers and foremothers. Eating bread and canned peas. Going to the museum everyday, drawing and dreaming and learning who I was and what I wanted from life and for myself. Kissing boys and crying and laughing. 

I was that girl who went to a concert in Paris, and got caught in a mosh pit and thrown to the ground, tossed from the chaos yet, alive fwith fear and desire for excitement. 

I was that girl who ate in a cafe and ordered an omelette in her best version of French.

I was that girl who smelt the night air and felt the magic of the city

I was that girl

And I am that very same girl, shaken to my very core when I heard what happened.

I cried a lot and wondered if that magic had been taken away

I felt as though something had blown up my memories of the sweet, 

nostalgia of the city of light

Someone had taken a dreamer away, pulled her from this earth before she could finish her dreams

I felt

I could imagine

I mourned a stranger

I mourned all the dreamers and strangers who were simply

living that night. Living and dreaming and hoping for more wonderful.

I am those girls

I am those boys

I am those children