Breathe from your chest

 I did a grown up thing and got my colonoscopy done. It was alright and I made sure to tell EVERYONE about my stage 4 endo and where it was attached to my bowel. 

The doctor took biopsies and removed a couple polyps and said I can't take any NSAID's for two weeks. I've only had one optical migraine and I breathed my way through it.

I am thrilled to be on this side of the exam. 

It was taking up soooooooooo much space in my head and conscience. 

When checking in the nurse noticed I was quiet and still and she asked if it was my first time, after saying yes...she asked what I was most worried about...and I told her I had white coat, she asked from what...and I told her a decade of infertility. 

HER WHOLE BODY LANGUAGE changed and she was soothing and said she was so very sorry and placed my IV on the first try...and it didn't even bruise!!

When it was my turn, the doctor was nice, the nurse that gave me the drugs was kind and I asked if she would hold my hand, and she did until she had to administer the drugs...I was in a twilight sleep and was told to breathe from my chest, it made me think of yoga and I did as suggested. I have spots of memories of the procedure and then I was done. I went back to the bay, was helped to get dressed, walked out to The Barren and taken home, where the Barren had made me some vegan scrambled egg and rice and a glass of water.

Then I went to bed to sleep off the drugs and fart.

They found things in my colon. Fucking nothing surprises me anymore. It was clarified that nothing was cancer and no endo had penetrated the colon wall but, there is a possible immune disease. They won't really know for sure until I do some blood work and stool samples...whatever.

I seriously don't have enough energy to be concerned or worried about stuff. This last year and a half have stripped me of so much...clearly this is another thing.

I go in for another in 7 years or something like that. In the meantime, I have a new doctor trying to figure out my unique body.

On the flip side, we finally brought the cats home. 

We spent a week with them before telling anyone we brought them home. It made a good difference. They have all their shots, are neutered and spayed and are learning how to be housecats. 

Here are the three that now live with us:

Zahra- the kitty that started it all 💗

She is about a year old

Umber- this boy loves his mommy and naps

12weeks old

Kugel- the littlest of the litter and Parkour expert 

12 weeks old

The energy is totally different and as much as they are getting used to being housecats, we are re-learning what it is like to have young cats again.

It has been well over a decade since that was the case.

They change everyday, and hide less and are curious about more.

Soon we hope one will want to be a lap cat, nap buddy, and snuggle.

I can feel my heartbreak from the loss of our boys, becoming less, but their familiar natures are hard to unlearn. Having young cats and not old man cats, where you are used to having something wrong weekly, is an adjustment.

My breathing practice has helped stay calm when I hear a bang from another room, breathing has helped keep my concerns at bay...and breathing has helped me sit for an hour just to move a string back and forth so that I can pet them a little longer each time.

Breathing helps.

My breath is my strength

Fire and Death

 I have been wanting to write, 

but I am finding it hard to find a thread of ideas to share...or rant about.

Then I realized so much time has passed since my last post....

so here I am.

************

This post includes a lot of talk about death

************

I have been floating on the surface of life...or sitting deeply in it. I seem to find myself falling deeply into the nuances of the day or shielding myself from them. My yoga studio has stopped conducting classes outside and so we are back inside a studio. I so far am only going to meditation classes in the studio....despite my assurances of safer practices I am still struggling to go back to heated full classes. Instead I practice at home on those days with pre-recorded videos.

A full class use to be, a class of 42 people closed into a room and flowing and sweating and exhaling. Now a full class is 35 in heated classes and 25 in un-heated classes (meditation)

I have attended two heated classes in the studio to check how I feel about it.  I wore a disposable mask all through class, not touching it while sweating my way through the asanas. In one class a guy had a full sweat suit on and I later found out he was training for an MMA match. I am the only one in class that wears a mask: often the only one in the studio, outside doing errands, grocery shopping, farmers market...driving. I am still quite frightened of dying from a virus I am TOTALLY protected from. Even knowing that the vaccine is good against the variants has not dissipated enough of my fear to go mask-less. I have reached out to a physician friend to ask about returning to the hot studio and he said wear a disposable mask, but the chances of me getting virus are reduced as I am vaccinated and if I do get it, it will not be deadly.

With all this "reassurance" I am still hesitant. I believe in science and am currently living a life science forward...but, maybe I just have gotten so comfortable being cautious. A sick new way to control things in my life that are totally uncontrollably random. I am thankful that the people I interact with are both vaccinated and gentle with my feelings about my virus fear/comfort. I would liken it to a monster in your bedroom closet as a kid and your parent comes in, turns on the light, opens the door and shows you that indeed there is nothing to be frightened of. Then they turn around and leave. You are still in that room and that bed staring at the door you heard growling from...and are still trying to process the fear.

My meditation group, about 7 of us, that were super regular at the parks, sitting silently behind masks, in 40 degree mornings or windy hot days...while squirrels rained pinecone down on my head or crows screamed the whole time...anyway one of the members arranged a "closing ceremony" to line up with the Summer Solstice.

We had a fire ceremony

We all gathered and meditated on the fire and what we wanted to let go of. It is always eye opening to hear what other people are thinking...especially people you've shared almost a year with in silence.

Most wanted to let go of worries and family judgements....personal judgements and I sent the judgements of others to the flames.

I have held that hope in the front of my mind since then.

(I wore a sun dress with no bra as an act of this resistance, had bedhead hair at the market and coffeeshop. I am working my way up it seems)

***************

This weekend was a "titty twister" of sorts

I got an email at 7am from a longtime friend (old boyfriend) that his mother passed away. I was in total shock! I have know this woman for 30+ years and even worked with her many moons ago.

She used to gift me photo paper in my super lean days. (I was dating her son then) 

Super sweet woman, last I spoke with her was last year when we exchanged emails so I could mail her handmade masks...It was a real surprise; I knew my friend was going to be super fragile and so I have been checking in on him. On that same day, his longtime (20+year) girlfriend's father was rushed to the ER for a stroke. My brother in law was headed into surgery for lung cancer and when I called my parents to let them know about the death, my mom interrupted me to let me know that they were on the way to the walk in clinic for my father who was having a reaction to a bee sting.

I don't remember doing much other than visiting the cats and coming home.

It was a lot to process.

Does anyone else's life bundle like that? I seem to have days where the space time continuum layer like this...folding one thing on top of the other into a shit sandwich.

Just a few days before I had learned of anther friends parent dying; another person I had know for a long time. She did the flowers for our wedding almost 19years ago.

Is it that time in our lives now...I am SOOOOO not ready for that. I guess we are never really ready to say goodbye to people...but it sux

Today is the anniversary of my grandfathers death. He passed away in 1990. I was sleeping in the bed next to his at the care facility the night he died. In my  twilight sleep I saw him walk down the hall with a friend who was already dead, he waved at me and when I woke up he took one of his last breaths. He had lived/suffered with ALS for too long and it was hard to watch at the end. It took his speech and his mobility and his dignity. I lost my job the next day, as I missed an impromptu company meeting. It was okay, I was being sexually harassed by the owner of the store and it was an easy reason to fire me.

(boy that was a loaded sentence)

Anyway, my grandfather has visited me the least of my deceased grandparents. I can count the times on one hand. I guess we were alright and all that needed to be said was said. I adored him and think about him often...but I must admit as time passes, it is harder to hear his voice or remember specifics about his mannerisms anymore.

Maybe that is what this virus has done...

This virus has made death so much more in the forefront, and common. There are still people in this town that refuse to get the vaccine, and they are  clearly okay being 99% of the deaths from this virus now. Totally preventable. Historically, as the world was growing and changing, death was part of everyday life. People painted it both boldly and symbolically. Memento Mori was everywhere as people were dying so often.

Have we entered a Memento Mori time? We have been so used to a long healthy life now and suddenly as the world all fell to this insane virus, it has become a daily reminder once again.

Building fall, bombs explode, people run into schools with guns, cars crash, people kill each other for shoes or skin color or food.

it is often too much for me to process and I must admit I feel like I need to be an ostrich and run away and hide. I can not bare much more on my nerves and heart.

I guess I can thank my infertility for dulling a lot of my nerves, making me not respond emotionally to horrible things. It takes days, sometimes weeks to actually feel something.

I am trying to return to a "normal" self, but I think I am changed...so massively changed.

In-laws and outlaws

Tuesday of last week, marked two weeks since my second vaccine dose and meant I was fully vaccinated.

Over a month ago, I made an appointment for my first haircut since August 2019...I am not normally a hair person, but my hair was making me feel older and it was chaotic, something I normally embrace, but a haircut made me feel a little pretty and I was ready to honor that need. I tipped my hairstylist 100% because he is awesome and I wanted to celebrate him and his new downsized business. I have gotten my hair cut by him for 20+ years!

I then went to the dentist, and it ended up being far less stressful than I thought it was going to be...apparently all dentists are booked solid, so I was glad I made that appointment too.

And because I was now fully covered, we made a spur of the moment choice and visited The Barren's father, as he is immune compromised we both needed to be covered. This meant a road-trip and a day long drive. It was great to see him and hug him and spend even a little bit of time with him.

He is married to a woman who has very very high levels of need. She controls most situations by delays, she has a hard time transitioning from one task to another and is chronically late. Now my father in law is all engulfed by it as well and so they get lost from time lines for weeks. The Barren texted his father asking if they would be home this past weekend and he said yes, and then we booked a hotel and told him we were coming to visit, after hearing it, FIL changed days that he would be available (they are getting their floors done) and we added another day to the hotel and said great see you then. The Barren told his father he wanted to visit a music shop with him and that they would only be open a few hours after we arrived so we would pick him up to make the timeline...When we arrived it was a fairly swift transition, as his wife was staying behind to walk the dog.

We ordered food before returning home with pizza for us four and on arriving, his wife spent another hour+ doing who knows what and delaying dinner (she did put the pizza into the oven while she did something else while we all waited) the oven turned our pizzas into crackers. DH and I sat waiting at folding tray tables waiting for her to begin dinner....

The following day we went over after breakfast so The Barren and his father could play music for a bit which is all The Barren wanted to do to connect with his father. 💓(his dad doesn't call often and is even harder to get a call back from these days) While the guys played music I sat listening to his wife talk about things, and try to not take any bait:

What do you think about what is happening in Israel? What about this other political situation, I mean how can they eat cows...why would you not want to get the vaccine, I don't think your reactions were what you think, I hear people are waiting longer to have kids...

At that the Barren chimed in and said, "yeah we are still waiting"

Then she suggested we go to a music festival at a local winery, we jumped at the opportunity to go and we all gathered our things to go, then we waited...she took another hour to get ready to head out the door. I had squirreled some snacks in our car, thankfully. They get so wrapped up in tasks she doesn't really eat regularly and I am a woman who likes to snack all day long! So I was hungry...they brought their dog too, who is a rescue that has serious anxiety issues and can not be left alone. So she was panic panting the whole time and it was really hard to witness, I also was having a hard time being around sooooooooo many people kind of wearing masks. 

This is when I began to get " sparkles" my optical migraine trigger and whispered to The Barren about it, but my MIL heard and stopped taking photos of children dancing to ask if I wanted an aspirin (which was nice) I tried really hard to down play it, but it was the perfect out of a stressful, situation and so we scapegoated me and left early. As we said goodbye to my FIL,I got a photo of DH and FIL and it was lovely and bittersweet. 

The Barren drove us into town while I fought a freight train of a migraine and a panic attack. We got dinner, as we were famished and I did some conscience breathing exercises while I waited for the migraine drugs to kick in. MIL texted and we pretended that we were already back at the hotel and I was sleeping, when were were actually secretly eating and then going to the hotel to sleep. MIL offered to bring us leftover cracker pizza and we thanked her for the beautiful gesture but we were fine.

The next morning we left for another full day of driving back homeward.

Sigh

On the way home we made an effort to stop and see things we never had, after all, this was the closest to a vaca we'd taken in multiple years! It was another exhausting day and when we rolled into a town only a couple hours from home, we booked a pricey room at the hotel my art is in...TOTAL splurge!

It was super cool to see it in person after all this time.

The hotel was delayed in opening, and when it had a soft opening in Dec 2019 I wasn't able to make it, then 2020 closed the hotel and then opened it and then closed it and now it is open again. So we went to see the work finally installed.

When we checked in, I gleefully told the reception person that I was the artist that made the lobby's artwork...they looked up and said "oh" and then looked back at the computer.

Trying to not let them dull my sparkle, I asked if people ask about the art on the walls, the reception person said " not really" their apathy was enough and I walked back over to the art and quietly had my own party in my head.

We drove home the next morning, after I had taken as many photos as I could think of taking.

It was a 2021 kind of vaca-we walked into our door, dropped our dirty laundry into the basket, I walked into the kitchen and began making dinner. It was gone...all of it was done and we were back to Homeostasis.

Since returning, I have gone to see our "girl" and her babies, attended my online art lecture and today after consulting a physician friend, I went to the final class of a favorite teacher, and returned to my first in studio hot yoga class since March 2020. (strangely emotional)

I wore my mask the whole time, the only one doing that. I got a spot closest to the door, right next to one of the three air scrubbers that run during the class and got a sweat on and left afterwards. Passing a studio full of unmasked people. Vaccination proof is honor system, so I took extra actions.

Things are trying to get back to what they were, but it will never be the same again. And it seems that as hard as people try, it seems more and more offset.

Hot Flash or Fever

I turned 51 on the 25th. I had another Covid birthday...it was quiet and I was glad my parents were healthy and fully vaccinated. I got my first hug from my parents in over a year...it was emotional, I got a drawing from my youngest niece. It is a drawing of me and The Barren looking at each other and when you place the two drawings side by side (like a friendship necklace) it forms one heart. 

I framed it when I got home. I have made my birthday cakes since going vegan because (I am protecting people) I didn't want to impose on others to make a special ingredient cake for me. 

The gathering was outside in the backyard and my mother made me a 14pound "cake" made out of watermelon and other fruit because she wanted me to be able to eat the whole thing. 

It made my heart explode...

And try as I might, I couldn't eat all the watermelon in time and ended up juicing it.

I dressed for the day again...blue polka dot peter pan collared dress

White basketball shoes and hairy legs. 

Last Tuesday, I got my second Dolly dose and waited until getting home to cry. I was overwhelmed, I was emotional, I was so thankful. I had seen a photograph earlier that week of a woman in India, visibly scared with an oxygen mask on her face while other women surrounded her and gazed at that mask. 

I looked at that image for a long long time. I felt their fear and their exhaustion...

I was lucky enough to get the vaccine, I was healthy...I was not going to die from this disease.

There are still STUPID people berating others for believing science, and their vaccine dose waits...

meanwhile others die from never having the opportunity.

It is a lot to digest...

Later that night, I started to play: " hot flash or fever"

My 30+hour fever started the night of the injection and by the morning, I felt every side effect from the paperwork list. Plus I got a "covid arm" from the vaccine. 

I thought everyone got a red swollen bump from shots...apparently not

I am at day 7 now, and it is almost not visible.

***

Then we roll into Mothers Day here in the US.

We have been on a waitlist with the recue group we adopted our cats from since November 2020

(right after we said goodbye to Xander)

After my second dose, we were invited to see 50 available kittens!

We went and spent 3hours meeting all of them... and hearing stories of how each of the in house mama cats had given birth there and the complications that some had encountered.

The kittens were all perfect and beautiful, the mama cats were enchanting and sweet and social.

The Barren kept going back to one enclosure and sitting with a teenage kitty.

I was sitting in the enclosure next to him and witnessed him falling in love.

The kitty walked into his lap, and fell asleep.

She looked at him the way our Theo used to look at him, 

it was so beautiful to see love transcend time and galaxies...it was his cat!!

I began to weep...it was such a powerful thing to witness!

When I entered the enclosure, I sat and she watched me. I leaned forward and asked her if she wanted to live with us....she walked over to me and got into my lap. 

She had selected her people.

We were offered the opportunity to foster her and have her give birth in our home!

We both went pale and said we were not emotionally stable enough if something was to happen.

After all she had just told us stories about the complications some of the mama cats had.

Our girl is YOUNG and SMALL and that scares us.

But of course, my IF talk came back into play and I began second guessing our choices...

Should we have her here now

Should be just "buckle up and grow some nerves"

should we...

what if we...

So for the record...

****

We didn't find a kitten, or even two...

we are adopting a pregnant teenage cat,

and when she gives birth, we will adopt one or more of her babies too...

The irony of the situation was not lost on me.

We left after telling the Rescue leader and I have signed up for volunteer hours 

(so I can visit her as she progresses to birth)

We are in our early 50's, 

we are adopting a teenager who is pregnant 

and will raise one or more of her babies too.

We are about three months away from having a kitty in our home again.

I am anxiously trying to get everything ready for them

Nesting?!

SERIOUSLY!!

When we got home Saturday night, I felt numb.

I half filled a tub and sat in it and began to wail...

Deep heaving crying...missing my kitty cats...wanting a connection like The Barren had gotten.

Fearful that it was all falling away from me.

I was like a woman possessed, I was wailing and talking to myself in whispers.

The Barren came in to find my in quite a bathtubbed state.

Crying, wailing, laughing whispering...like two people were having active conversations in my tub...

I sipped some water and The Barren sat to soothe me back into one mindbody.

I think that was all leftover from my sorrow...

I was so thankful that The Barren knew how to let it happen, and gave me space and no judgement.

I was mourning, and he recognized it.

Even in that moment-it was a reminder that my sorrow is deep, it travels across time, manifests in numbness, smiles and laughter. As I stepped out of the tub, intoxicated from the emotional ride I had just taken...I have learned to respect the space it needs from me, but not let it take over.

New stress different day

1st shot done!

Yes, I dressed for the event

I have spent the last two and a half weeks helping The Barren with his reaction to the first dose of the vaccine. The Barren gets an asthma response when he gets a chest cold, which is why we locked down so hard and for so long...well The Barren got his fist dose of the vaccine and 36hours later began to wheeze, it has spiraled since and he is currently on an inhaler, allergy medications and antibiotics to fight what is believed to be the beginning of pneumonia. 

(all these things have happened in the past when he has gotten chest colds, too many weekend walk in clinic experiences to count)

Yesterday he was wheezing so badly that we went to a walk in clinic because the wait to see his doctor was two weeks... he had to be seen in an outside room because it all looks like Covid-19 and we don't need to freak people out.

We live in a funky part of town, so while waiting in our outside room, we got to witness a near beatdown between two guys who had "looked at each other too long" and wanted to knock/knife the daylights out of each other. thankfully that didn't manifest.

The doctor yesterday explained that an anaphylaxis response is not uncommon for people with asthma and that his body probably reacted big to the first round and sent it all spinning.

Steroids were added to the menu of pills and the hope is that he will get breathing better in time for the second dose...which has been booked at a four week mark instead of the 3week mark.

The Barren is breathing better so far, thank goodness.

As you can imagine, the upcoming shot has us both on edge and wanting to be battle ready!

This morning I got my first dose of the vaccine, I got the Dolly Parton one.

Now all her songs are stuck in my head.

I dressed up for the shot, wearing a dress I wore the last time we went out in 2020. I also firmly believe that nothing can go wrong if you are wearing a purple piece of clothing. I use to have a pair of grape purple pants, I wore when I wanted to feel assured and strong. So I wore a grape purple dress and bright green sweater this morning...I felt present and brave.

The vaccine site looked like a set from M*A*S*H as it was an office building under renovations, so it was covered in plastic sheeting, bare cement floors and drywall partitions with folding chairs.

It was surreal to say the least.

Got my shot and appointment for the second dose.

I took my photo and then tried to not cry.

I have already taken a nap and I am famished.

I should be fully covered by my fathers birthday and I can finally hug them!!

Something I think is pretty emotional.

Parents are currently fully vaccinated and that has me breathing easier for them and realizing that my relationship has shifted once again.

I had gotten a call last week that my mother went to the clinic because her eye was BLEEDING! and she only went because my brother said it would be a good idea.

She hesitated and when my father sent a photo of her eye I nearly collapsed. I told my mother that she could loose vision and that she should really get an opinion other than her own...she blew me off and at that moment I pondered:

Were my parents always so defiant?

Was it time to step in or was it really time to step back?

I chose to step back.

My mother went to see an eye doctor the following day and they confirmed that nothing was damaged or injured (thank goddess) and that was that.

I waited for them to call me

my step back meant I was not going to call them anymore (at least I was going to try) 

and when they wanted to talk to me I would answer that call and do my best to not stir the pot.

It took three days for them to call me.

(Prior to the virus I spoke to my parents at least twice a day, now it is once every few days.)

This is a BIG adjustment for me; as I see them wanting to chat as acceptance and love. So when it is sluggish it means they are not thinking of me or love me.

It is sick, and insecurity is running the show but, a reality I am working with.

The reality of not being quarantined is a scary one, being around more than two people is scary.

The yoga studio sent out a poll asking if a pre-covid level class filled with fully vaccinated people was something of interest....

I made an appointment to get my hair cut after I am fully vaccinated, I have not been able to get it cut since August of 2019.

Then today the State announced that it plans to be fully open by June!

That scares me too...I am scared of people now it seems.

I am scared that life will mow this all over and forget about what is possible, 

I am scared that things will slingshot back to business as usual...and forget all that is important.

I am scared more often than I am confident.

I need to work on that too...

but, the idea of a thrift store visit is really exciting too and there are people there?!

 

Overgrown

 I've spent the last couple of weeks in online summits.

Art Summits mostly, ones I would have never been able to travel to pre-pandemic, so these online options allowed me to attend demo after discussion by many different artists and see studios all over the world and watch new processes and then rush, triple masked to the one art supply store 40+miles away and purchase new supplies with my squirreled away funds.

I have always loved school and these online events are perfect for the extreme introvert I have become.

I can sit and watch in silence or type questions from behind my on screen name or turn on my mic and ask questions. One of the best parts is that we are a whole community of introverts and socially awkward people all wanting to be together unseen and unbothered.

my people

I also popped into the Chasing Creation's Childless Collective Summit this week.

This was a summit over four days that was crazy organized, beautifully put together and filled with resources for the childless.

It was something I had wished for when I was at the start of my journey into finding who I am now.

I watched some of the recorded presentations and could not help but feel like, well it felt like I felt when I finally read Catcher in the Rye when I was 29...

I am too old of this...I have outgrown this part of me.

I was listening to lectures on navigating pain, 

dealing with conflict

making decisions about ending fertility treatments

Discovering who you are

finding ways to heal

finding a new path.

ALL FANTASTIC and interesting and I encourage you to check it out too...

but I kept saying to The Barren

" I feel like I am past all this now. I am entering menopause, I had to close that door years ago.

I guess I figured out this stuff on my own....I had to"

Time marches on regardless...we all gotta figure out if we want to keep walking or stand still.

In other "Deal with this news..."

Another couple quarantine babies are cooking in two yoga instructors. One appeared while I was in my weekly park yoga class, and seeing her so full with baby; made me want to pack up my mat and run/leave. I guess that part of me will never change. 

I feel like, I have walked into the wrong room and saw something that was forbidden...

It is a visceral reaction, and although I don't even know her, if I could hiss like a character from a bad vampire movie I would, 

before trotting off mumbling under my breath about how she was luminous and so lucky.

The Barren has gotten his first vaccine shot, as he qualifies under "underlying health conditions", I am still waiting my turn, and quite frankly...I am ok doing that. There are a lot of people who should get the shot before me and I recognize that. I also know people who have jumped the line and gotten one ahead of others. 
My parents get their second shot this Thursday and I am happy for them to get it and maybe resume a small social circle of chatting at farmers market with friends, or seeing movies in the theatre again.

My brother has so far decided to not get it, and that makes no sense to me, but I know a lot of people feel this way...so it really comes as no surprise.

2021 has been more like a 2020 version 2.0 for me, nothing surprises me anymore.

I seem to feel like noting can stick to me right now, 

stress washes over me way too easily and I spend evenings sleepless

I awake with panic attacks

I just deal with them...what else is there to do?

I am making things, eating greens, drinking water, meditating, bathing myself....

I am in a holding pattern for sure.

But somewhere, someplace inside, I feel like I'll be able to flee 

run away, and find new things to look at...

Another year-less hair

 

This was that moment when things got …

weird, and downright surreal.

******

We went to The Barren's moms place for a meal for his birthday. We brought lunch and we sat in the backyard, at a table, 6ish feet from each other with our double masks on. 

His mom and her longtime partner have both gotten the first dose of the vaccine, and were a bit more caviler about keeping their masks on the whole time...but thankfully, I am TOTALLY OCD about it and kept mine on which rubbed off on The Barren too and we were safer that way.

I have been giving a gift to his mom for decades on his birthday, a thank you for making the man I love. I call it her birthing day gift. It is usually something small, a token trinket. Mostly just acknowledging her part in the day. She has grown to love it and expect something. (I am totally fine with that!) There are FAR worse things a MIL can expect from her DIL. 

After the meal these two jars were placed on the table, and The Barren was told to pick which ever one he wanted...it was part of his bday gift. My MIL and FIL have begun to grow their own. They were crazy conservative about drugs in the past and this overt, boldness takes a moment or two to adjust to.

They are both engineers by trade and so they are trying to crack the code of dosing edibles and those stories are quite funny. They are trying to make a brownie that is big enough to satisfy their chocolate craving but also not make them so shitfaced that they spend the rest of the day facedown in the couch.

Since cannabis has become legal, it has been a funny transition in our social groups. The parents, who were all hippies, but really pushed hard against their kids using drugs in college are now asking advise about strains and doses. While all us normal stoners, are kind of gobsmacked at their enthusiasm, after receiving so much shit from them for too long.

After the strangeness of the canning jar of pot, the conversation was all about how protected they are now that they have the vaccine. I couldn't help but feel like I was reliving a conversation with a former lover about how he shouldn't have to wear a condom because I was on birth control....maybe it was my own  mindset, but things felt strange and almost funny.

These days things seem off center, tilted and lit strangely.

It feels like I am floating through most days and the repetition of actions is feeling like a movie scene replaying over and over. I wake up, pee and get into yoga clothes, check email for work and personal tasks, then do exercise and then errands, then eat something, try brainstorming, do laundry, do more wall gazing then try and think what to make for dinner and watch tv and clean up dishes, take a bath or shower, maybe have sex and then go to sleep and do it all over again.

What kind of life is it that we are living these days?

Maybe that is why these encounters with backyards and parents is so surreal. Life is downright surreal.

I got my parents appointments to get the vaccine this week, it felt like I had just scored the best concert tickets ever....they were thankful and then my mother said she wanted a different vaccine than what she was scheduled to get. We looked up the data and then I had another half hour call with her explaining how the vaccine works, the effectiveness of this one she is supposed to get and how she might not even have access to the single dose vaccine. It was stressful.

I am stressed out by my parents recently. My shifting role with them and what that looks like. In that daily routine, I would say a good few hours are covered in stress with my parents activities and making sure they are safe and have food in the house and that people are not taking advantage of them. 

(ex: installed solar panels have created leaks in the roof, and the solar company offered them a flat fee to fix it, instead of fix it for them!)

*Sigh*

I am tired, and melancholy and am trying to see a light at the end of this all...

but it is hard.

I daydream of running away, and into the big memories of travels and sunlit days of the past. Laughing more and feeling alive...my actual dreams are dark and sad and scary and i am often left wondering how long it will take to shift into a new direction? 

anyone else feel this fatigue? This shift/tilt of life?