My bestie and family isolated for two weeks after being exposed by extended family who bullied them into a visit with their 90+ yr old grandma.
|Solstice morning- hair aglow|
|Solstice morning- hair aglow|
*** trigger warning, a post about grief and loss ***
We held him as he fell into his final sleep.
17years and 2months after bringing him home; my constant companion for all those years.
I made choices over these past years to not travel on business trips or even multiple days away, as he got stressed out and I would be distracted by not seeing he was okay.
As he aged I was his primary caretaker and huge portions of my day were spent checking on him, and making sure all his needs were addressed before he knew he needed them. It was something I didn't even think about as the days ran on. He loved me and I loved him.
He was my friend, my confidant and a true companion.
Quarantine made our time together more structured and we napped at or around 1:30pm almost daily together, as I sleep lightly at night, it was an easy way to give him attention and get some soothing from him for my anxiety and sorrow.
Around mid October, something happened. The Barren and I were chatting and he let out a strange meow, which had us rushing to him. He lost all mobility in his legs, leaving him unable to stand or sit. we took him onto the patio and spoke to him as he looked confused and tired. Our daily hummingbird looked on at him and the scene unfolding. Xander tried to stand and walk indoors and I supported him and took him into my studio where he laid on a pillow on the floor and settled into what we thought was going to be his final moments. Over the next three hours he regained the use of his legs and was able to walk again and eat. I laid awake most of that night checking on him and soothing him through two more mini episodes. I asked The Barren if all my hair had turned white from the shock.
As the next days past, we was totally self propelled....but I started noticing he was more and more tired.
His breathing became more and more labored, he needed to take a break walking down the hallway. He got winded turning around in the seat. He drank less and ate less...the time had come.
A lovely vet came to our home and with one looked said she understood why we called her.
While they prepared his sleeping medicine, he got up from his patio chair, walked into the house, greeted them and then motioned to be picked up. The Barren held him, then handed him to me. I walked back outside and sat with him. The hummingbird returned and sat on the leaf above his feeder and watched.
Xander got a sleeping medicine shot and then the euthanasia shot. He fell into a slow sleep, hearing my heartbeat and his head being covered in kisses.
Simply put, this cat was magic, as I am sure most peoples companions are to them...how lucky we are to be able to walk with them. How lucky I was to give him dignity and a peaceful death.
I sat in the chair the next morning, crying and mourning. The hummingbird arrived and sat on his leaf. He looked at me, then the door and the deck and the chair, waiting and searching for Xander. I watched this for 15minutes...and wondered how do you console a hummingbird?!
Xander's ashes were returned two days later, and we built our annual Dia de los Muertos altar.
The silence in the house is deafening, and maybe that is why I can hear the hissing in my ears so well these days. Today marks one week since he left and I still awake in the middle of the night looking for his fur to pat, peek into rooms to see if he is sleeping quietly...We are donating his food, new cat toys and some cat beds to the rescue we got him from.
The hummingbird comes and sits on his leaf daily still, singing and watching me as I sit in the chair Xander use to sun in and that he took his final breath in. I talk to the hummingbird and thank them for their songs and tell them what a good friend he was to keep Xander company on the patio while he slept and sunned himself in his final months.
Although I have yet to take a nap since he passed, I know that I will eventually...maybe he will come to me in my dreams while I doze and think of him.**you can hear the hummingbird chirp as he arrives off camera
that the lump they found on a mammogram is gonna try and kill you.
The one you couldn't find, the one the doctor couldn't find...
They took a lot of images, then went into a room and had me wait.
Then they came out and took some more.
Left the room
Then a third time....and I waited.
Then with a smile in their voice, told me I needed an ultrasound.
I was taken into the ultrasound room, jellied up
and it appeared on the screen, clear as day.
It was determined to be a cyst.
No need for additional treatment, unless it grows uncomfortable.
I left the hospital, and sat in my car and cried.
I was relieved, I was thankful...
I am not going to lose my breast.
***below contains sarcasm, frustration and doctors and shit***
So things are cruising along...
We have all voted early and continue to do it, at least it seems like that...and we all want the white supremist racist baboon out of office and he needs to drag all his misogynist friends with him like toilet paper stuck to his shoe.
She mentioned that she read that dentists have been reporting an increase in chipped or cracked teeth in the last year!
I have been wearing my bite plate at night since 2016 election night created a chipped tooth
We are a mess! and fighting the good fights but night time dreams, continued quarantining and additional stress from working at home is taking a toll.
Our cat had, what we assume was, a stroke the night before last, he lost all ability to control his right side legs and mobility and we thought that was it. He laid down on his pillow on the floor, we sat with him talking, petting and saying goodbyes as his breathing was slower and more erratic. Then, he slowly recovered the use of his body...when he stood on his own two and a half hours later....we realized we have a serious badass cat, who just reset his body for the 6th time...when he got up and ate, I looked at The Barren and asked " so is all my hair white now?" He continues to be stronger and aside from slowing his roll a little more, he is mobile and self driven. I am thankful and still in shock, in fact I think we all are still quite.
So as I mentioned, I went to get my annual check up at the doctor. At 50 you get two new features of the check over: a rectal exam and an order for a colonoscopy. Two gifts I struggled to have enthusiasm about. I was unfazed about the exam, I am a little nervous about the procedure, although almost everyone I know has had it done.
I also got the results from my mammogram I had two days ago and it seems that is a 5mm "subtle nodule" that needs to be looked at more closely. That has me more anxious, and I am trying to play it all calm in front of The Barren who is clearly quite unsettled by it. I have my super uber ultrasound on Monday (which I pay for because insurance won't) and between that and the extra mammogram and ultrasounds the mammogram place wants to do I hope to have a better sense of what it might be and if a needle biopsy is needed.
(I am trying really hard to not freak, as a friend had a small change like this on a yearly mammogram and she ended up with a double mastectomy )
2020: Like I needed to have another concern or terror this year!
Oh but according to the scale at the doctors office I was down 14pounds and not a single word about that, except "your BMI is good." So that felt anti-climactic from the doctor that kept telling me to lose 5 more pounds!
Most of my concerns about weird skin textures, and stiffness was attributed to perimenopause and that I will have a unique experience as my mother had a hysterectomy and so I am free floating in that pond of unknown information.
I had blood taken and left and got lunch. It was 100* and I ordered a hot chai, because I just made it through yet another exam.
So how are you all doing? Still locked up like us here in the US? Please share holiday plans, as we will be socially distancing for those too...
On the good news front, hubby's wish came true and we have crows that come to our patio daily and eat peanuts we leave for them. This makes him happy and smile and that makes me feel like there is something really bright and wonderful too look forward to every day!
So after a primal scream, deep scary toxic rage , a good long cry, and staying up to 3am to sit and process my feelings...I feel like I am on the other side of my grief from the loss of RBG.
I am planning and acting.
I am slow on the uptake. Proof being that, today... I decided that I do not need to make political statements in every piece of art I make from here on out. I have nothing to prove to anyone. My actions are my own and I do not have to announce/make public what I do and contribute to make my actions more valid.
I think my shutting down my facebook has highlighted this for me....I spent several hours over a couple of days, manually deleting my history and photos and tags. My page is stripped down to simply my name and I have spent the last two days just taking down information from the things I still want to keep on my radar. Like art groups. My final post was about the loss of RBG and how if you are a woman or know a woman you need to vote and remove the assaulting racist xenophobe and his minions out of office.
I feel set afloat, and quite untethered.
Most recently, like so so many others, I am struggling with feeling overwhelmed and overtaxed emotionally and so in an act of self-care I am focusing my energies on what I hold closest in my heart and plan my actions accordingly.
I enjoy spending time giving, so I am continuing to do that.
I have stepped outside my comfort zone a few times now and it makes me feel better.
Still being sheltered, is getting harder and harder and I was listening to this neurologist on the radio and understood more about a quarantine brain. We need new experiences to allow us to form memories, being in the same place for days on end doesn't allow us to form new memories so it is important to do things that are out of norm; brush your teeth with you less dominate hand, approach a know act from a different direction. If you are driving this could simply mean taking new routes home.
This adulting thing is becoming a super sucker of fun.
I made an appointment to have my yearly exam with my doctor, I wanted to make sure I would not miss a breast exam or a pap...as this might be harder to come by as we approach November. I have broken my appointments up into several days, to see if that helps reduce my white coat.
Although...since making the annual appointment I have thought more about my weight than I have all year, and that is a direct reflection on my fear of hearing my doctor tell me I need to loose 5 more pounds to fit on her BMI chart. So maybe it is just my fear of disappointing her, how fucked is that!
I am constantly checking off a list of things in my mind, did I eat this than make sure to do that, make sure you are drinking enough water, not too much caffeine, take your vitamins, YOU FORGOT to take your vitamins, if you mix this with that it is wrong, you are wrong...you messed it up...she is going to tell you how wrong you did this or that...you need to still do this or that...
Anyone see "The Good Place" the above is quite similar to a rant on the show...I actually got tearful when I realized it.
My dentist can wait - I don't need any guilt from them either.
Has anyone else felt this way about their doctors, post infertility treatments/care? It feels like I want all the other parts of me running without notice (perfectly) so that the drama or the fear of a doctor is abated....I must be nuts...doctors are there to fix, maybe they will always find something wrong regardless of the patients input of efforts?!
I know this entry is mixed up and upside down...so is everything else in this world!