Ironic

 So last year I saw Alanis Morsette at a local eatery and I was star-stuck and giddy...it took days for the smirk to fade from my face. It was like getting a postcard from me of the past. Music that made me feel good, powerful and emotionally strong. As I was talking to The Barren about it, he said " I didn't know this about you, I love hearing how much you really connected with her music"

Now, we are choosing to not revisit that eatery as it is one of many places in town that support the current administration. We have chosen to make purposeful choices with our money and patronage. One of the small but important acts we can take in our little life right now.

A lot of the time it feels like the moment the gang from Scooby Doo reveal the villain.

Or when I realized the lilypads were fake at Disney and were really water filters.

I have the Goods app on my phone and although it makes my shopping take a bit longer, I feel less weighed down by my final choices and have switched things up in our life.>I went to Jury Duty last week and while sitting in a room of people I wondered how many voted for this shit-show of a government. I didn't have a long stay, turns out there were no cases that day and we all got dismissed and so I left for home a couple hours after arriving....then proceeded to get more obvious signs of a brewing head cold or side effects from my most recent infusion. I know I have been running on adrenaline, depression, stress and ADHD, so it doesn't come a total surprise that there was a tear in the fabric of my well being and a bug got in. The idea of serving on a jury occupied a lot of my mind and I was quite conflicted how I felt about the act. The US is running on fear and lawlessness, chop and burn techniques and frankly the SAVE act, that wants to remove more rights had me wondering why should I uphold/believe in a system that is set to tear down and remove more persons rights?

I know my stress is high because I am over processing and over planning all the parts of an upcoming fumigation for the community I live in. I have read pages and pages about the fumigant, I have researched it and after effects and what I can and can't control.

Can't: my front door plants will probably die

Can: order bins for dry goods and take them to a friends for a few days, arrange cat boarding because no hotels allow cats, and my reaction to the variables.

Last night I made a choice to go to a local city council meeting to support some friends that were speaking before the board. The room was packed! Standing room only it was a hot topic, asking the city council if they would protect its citizens from federal overreach; protect residents from deportation, protect our trans residents and protect doctors and residents healthcare and abortion rights. 

The city council listened to 132 speakers, including teens who were wanting safe care, wanted to stop hiding from ICE officers for fear of being deported, parents asking for protection for their trans kids and themselves...each had 1 minute to talk. Many were in support of the measure, which would add additional protections beyond the state and federal constitution and then there were the racists, and "right to lifers" screaming about how it would kill babies complete with their billboards and yelling over people, bullying speakers. When everyone said their piece, 4 hours later, I sat there and listened to the board saying they wanted to do something BUT....they feared lawsuits and federal funding being with drawn, they felt it would only be words and nothing more...in the end they ended up pushing it another 6 weeks out.

I awoke this morning, still battling whatever is in my sinuses and head...weary and dull.

Last night it felt like I was witnessing history again, apathy and fear proving stronger than community and strength and comfort.

To look for the good; I stood beside people I socialize with who were there to fight for more protections for people they don't know, maybe know, and love. I took heart in that. I watched women plead with the council to protect them and their children from unwarranted racial profiling and deportations.

My heart hurts...

it hurts so badly.

  

I wondered where the super hero is, who is going to make this all go away fix all the cracks and swoop up the bigots and racists? and then I remembered it had to be me and the wary army fighting a goliath of a cause...the snowball that has grown big and needs to smash into a shed.

...deep fear

 I didn't sleep much last night.

When I closed my eyes I had visions of dodging cannon balls and trying to stay afloat in a disney park ride. I tried to self soothe overnight, saying things will look different in the morning...this is all going to be better...my techniques did not work.

I awoke to a literal nightmare...55% of Women and 40% of men nationwide voted for the MOST QUALIFIED candidate historically. My county is far more republican, racist, sexist and stupid than I knew and although everyone I know voted for Kamala, it didn't do anything except break millions of hearts.

I was in tears for hours and then decided to get dressed and leave the house for a few moments and do an adult task in a nearby town. As I was driving home I got an emergency alert on my phone: 

EVACUATION ORDER: YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD IS NOW UNDER AN EVACUATION ORDER DUE TO A FAST MOVING BRUSH FIRE. PLEASE EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY

I was only two miles from home and raced the rest of the way, grabbed a few things, corralled the cats into a bathroom and texted my neighbor asking if she got the same text...she lives 50feet from us and she did not, nor had any other neighbor a few blocks from me, 

I was convinced it was a cruel action on the part of the universe. Hubby came home after hearing my voice rattled and filled with fear, breaking under the constant pressure and stress. He came home and said in a calm voice, take this and lets pack a few things. I took the offered half xanax and have been packing things into my car calmly and the cats are hiding in the same room as me as I write this.

The last evacuation I was awoken from sleep and told to leave now, and we only had the clothes on our backs, our cats and laptops. It was a mess and now the sky has fire colors and thick smoke and the fire bombers are due to arrive in the morning…until then I am getting live updates about its movement as the night passes. I finally ate something only because I knew it was needed for brain activity. I am beyond heartbroken, broken and so so mad. I am not looking forward to the trip to visit family, as the person we are traveling for is a Christian fundamentalist who is celebrating today. And I am struggling to find any empathy/ sympathy or a crumb of kindness towards the family who all feel this was a golden move. The Barren told me to try and think of them as brainwashed…he is not looking forward to it either but I guess in a way to honor Kamala, when they go low we go high, right?!? Well, it isn’t working yet…and I am nowhere near close to okay about anything.

I vote 2024 as the most painful, horrible no good year. 

The Quiet

 It is quieter than normal today...

it is election day, the polls are open, the postcards have been sent, the calls have been made, the hopes are running at an all time high.

I, along with EVERYONE I know are waiting. Our stomachs are filled with acid, our nerves are burned, we are all exhausted, there is so much anxiety you can feel it in the air. 

My bestie and I exchanged texts this morning recounting what we are doing to pass time and not look at the news or think or hope. 

I woke up this morning, and before much thought, found myself doing 108 sun salutations trying to honor the energy I wanted to focus towards the day. Saying over and over President Harris.

I feel too many feels, thinking too many thoughts...

we wait