Saturday, May 29, 2021

In-laws and outlaws

Tuesday of last week, marked two weeks since my second vaccine dose and meant I was fully vaccinated.

Over a month ago, I made an appointment for my first haircut since August 2019...I am not normally a hair person, but my hair was making me feel older and it was chaotic, something I normally embrace, but a haircut made me feel a little pretty and I was ready to honor that need. I tipped my hairstylist 100% because he is awesome and I wanted to celebrate him and his new downsized business. I have gotten my hair cut by him for 20+ years!

I then went to the dentist, and it ended up being far less stressful than I thought it was going to be...apparently all dentists are booked solid, so I was glad I made that appointment too.

And because I was now fully covered, we made a spur of the moment choice and visited The Barren's father, as he is immune compromised we both needed to be covered. This meant a road-trip and a day long drive. It was great to see him and hug him and spend even a little bit of time with him.

He is married to a woman who has very very high levels of need. She controls most situations by delays, she has a hard time transitioning from one task to another and is chronically late. Now my father in law is all engulfed by it as well and so they get lost from time lines for weeks. The Barren texted his father asking if they would be home this past weekend and he said yes, and then we booked a hotel and told him we were coming to visit, after hearing it, FIL changed days that he would be available (they are getting their floors done) and we added another day to the hotel and said great see you then. The Barren told his father he wanted to visit a music shop with him and that they would only be open a few hours after we arrived so we would pick him up to make the timeline...When we arrived it was a fairly swift transition, as his wife was staying behind to walk the dog.

We ordered food before returning home with pizza for us four and on arriving, his wife spent another hour+ doing who knows what and delaying dinner (she did put the pizza into the oven while she did something else while we all waited) the oven turned our pizzas into crackers. DH and I sat waiting at folding tray tables waiting for her to begin dinner....

The following day we went over after breakfast so The Barren and his father could play music for a bit which is all The Barren wanted to do to connect with his father. 💓(his dad doesn't call often and is even harder to get a call back from these days) While the guys played music I sat listening to his wife talk about things, and try to not take any bait:

What do you think about what is happening in Israel? What about this other political situation, I mean how can they eat cows...why would you not want to get the vaccine, I don't think your reactions were what you think, I hear people are waiting longer to have kids...

At that the Barren chimed in and said, "yeah we are still waiting"

Then she suggested we go to a music festival at a local winery, we jumped at the opportunity to go and we all gathered our things to go, then we waited...she took another hour to get ready to head out the door. I had squirreled some snacks in our car, thankfully. They get so wrapped up in tasks she doesn't really eat regularly and I am a woman who likes to snack all day long! So I was hungry...they brought their dog too, who is a rescue that has serious anxiety issues and can not be left alone. So she was panic panting the whole time and it was really hard to witness, I also was having a hard time being around sooooooooo many people kind of wearing masks. 

This is when I began to get " sparkles" my optical migraine trigger and whispered to The Barren about it, but my MIL heard and stopped taking photos of children dancing to ask if I wanted an aspirin (which was nice) I tried really hard to down play it, but it was the perfect out of a stressful, situation and so we scapegoated me and left early. As we said goodbye to my FIL,I got a photo of DH and FIL and it was lovely and bittersweet. 

The Barren drove us into town while I fought a freight train of a migraine and a panic attack. We got dinner, as we were famished and I did some conscience breathing exercises while I waited for the migraine drugs to kick in. MIL texted and we pretended that we were already back at the hotel and I was sleeping, when were were actually secretly eating and then going to the hotel to sleep. MIL offered to bring us leftover cracker pizza and we thanked her for the beautiful gesture but we were fine.

The next morning we left for another full day of driving back homeward.

Sigh

On the way home we made an effort to stop and see things we never had, after all, this was the closest to a vaca we'd taken in multiple years! It was another exhausting day and when we rolled into a town only a couple hours from home, we booked a pricey room at the hotel my art is in...TOTAL splurge!


It was super cool to see it in person after all this time.

The hotel was delayed in opening, and when it had a soft opening in Dec 2019 I wasn't able to make it, then 2020 closed the hotel and then opened it and then closed it and now it is open again. So we went to see the work finally installed.

When we checked in, I gleefully told the reception person that I was the artist that made the lobby's artwork...they looked up and said "oh" and then looked back at the computer.

Trying to not let them dull my sparkle, I asked if people ask about the art on the walls, the reception person said " not really" their apathy was enough and I walked back over to the art and quietly had my own party in my head.

We drove home the next morning, after I had taken as many photos as I could think of taking.

It was a 2021 kind of vaca-we walked into our door, dropped our dirty laundry into the basket, I walked into the kitchen and began making dinner. It was gone...all of it was done and we were back to Homeostasis.

Since returning, I have gone to see our "girl" and her babies, attended my online art lecture and today after consulting a physician friend, I went to the final class of a favorite teacher, and returned to my first in studio hot yoga class since March 2020. (strangely emotional)

I wore my mask the whole time, the only one doing that. I got a spot closest to the door, right next to one of the three air scrubbers that run during the class and got a sweat on and left afterwards. Passing a studio full of unmasked people. Vaccination proof is honor system, so I took extra actions.

Things are trying to get back to what they were, but it will never be the same again. And it seems that as hard as people try, it seems more and more offset.

Monday, May 10, 2021

Hot Flash or Fever

I turned 51 on the 25th. I had another Covid birthday...it was quiet and I was glad my parents were healthy and fully vaccinated. I got my first hug from my parents in over a year...it was emotional, I got a drawing from my youngest niece. It is a drawing of me and The Barren looking at each other and when you place the two drawings side by side (like a friendship necklace) it forms one heart. 
I framed it when I got home. I have made my birthday cakes since going vegan because (I am protecting people) I didn't want to impose on others to make a special ingredient cake for me. 
The gathering was outside in the backyard and my mother made me a 14pound "cake" made out of watermelon and other fruit because she wanted me to be able to eat the whole thing. 
It made my heart explode...
And try as I might, I couldn't eat all the watermelon in time and ended up juicing it.

I dressed for the day again...blue polka dot peter pan collared dress
White basketball shoes and hairy legs. 

Last Tuesday, I got my second Dolly dose and waited until getting home to cry. I was overwhelmed, I was emotional, I was so thankful. I had seen a photograph earlier that week of a woman in India, visibly scared with an oxygen mask on her face while other women surrounded her and gazed at that mask. 
I looked at that image for a long long time. I felt their fear and their exhaustion...
I was lucky enough to get the vaccine, I was healthy...I was not going to die from this disease.
There are still STUPID people berating others for believing science, and their vaccine dose waits...
meanwhile others die from never having the opportunity.

It is a lot to digest...

Later that night, I started to play: " hot flash or fever"

My 30+hour fever started the night of the injection and by the morning, I felt every side effect from the paperwork list. Plus I got a "covid arm" from the vaccine. 

I thought everyone got a red swollen bump from shots...apparently not
I am at day 7 now, and it is almost not visible.
***

Then we roll into Mothers Day here in the US.
We have been on a waitlist with the recue group we adopted our cats from since November 2020
(right after we said goodbye to Xander)
After my second dose, we were invited to see 50 available kittens!
We went and spent 3hours meeting all of them... and hearing stories of how each of the in house mama cats had given birth there and the complications that some had encountered.
The kittens were all perfect and beautiful, the mama cats were enchanting and sweet and social.
The Barren kept going back to one enclosure and sitting with a teenage kitty.
I was sitting in the enclosure next to him and witnessed him falling in love.
The kitty walked into his lap, and fell asleep.
She looked at him the way our Theo used to look at him, 
it was so beautiful to see love transcend time and galaxies...it was his cat!!
I began to weep...it was such a powerful thing to witness!
When I entered the enclosure, I sat and she watched me. I leaned forward and asked her if she wanted to live with us....she walked over to me and got into my lap. 
She had selected her people.

We were offered the opportunity to foster her and have her give birth in our home!
We both went pale and said we were not emotionally stable enough if something was to happen.
After all she had just told us stories about the complications some of the mama cats had.
Our girl is YOUNG and SMALL and that scares us.
But of course, my IF talk came back into play and I began second guessing our choices...
Should we have her here now
Should be just "buckle up and grow some nerves"
should we...
what if we...

So for the record...
****
We didn't find a kitten, or even two...
we are adopting a pregnant teenage cat,
and when she gives birth, we will adopt one or more of her babies too...
The irony of the situation was not lost on me.

We left after telling the Rescue leader and I have signed up for volunteer hours 
(so I can visit her as she progresses to birth)

We are in our early 50's, 
we are adopting a teenager who is pregnant 
and will raise one or more of her babies too.
We are about three months away from having a kitty in our home again.
I am anxiously trying to get everything ready for them
Nesting?!
SERIOUSLY!!

When we got home Saturday night, I felt numb.
I half filled a tub and sat in it and began to wail...
Deep heaving crying...missing my kitty cats...wanting a connection like The Barren had gotten.
Fearful that it was all falling away from me.
I was like a woman possessed, I was wailing and talking to myself in whispers.
The Barren came in to find my in quite a bathtubbed state.
Crying, wailing, laughing whispering...like two people were having active conversations in my tub...
I sipped some water and The Barren sat to soothe me back into one mindbody.
I think that was all leftover from my sorrow...
I was so thankful that The Barren knew how to let it happen, and gave me space and no judgement.
I was mourning, and he recognized it.

Even in that moment-it was a reminder that my sorrow is deep, it travels across time, manifests in numbness, smiles and laughter. As I stepped out of the tub, intoxicated from the emotional ride I had just taken...I have learned to respect the space it needs from me, but not let it take over.