Memory of loss, and a little growth

**trigger warning: miscarriage** 

Today marks the anniversary of my final miscarriage.

I wrote about it HERE when it was happening.

I was alone, and one of my old-man cats sat on me or sat with me the whole time. It was unlike him, and now I am thankful he sensed that I was very alone, and losing my final attempt of motherhood. He is woven into the memory of the days.

Since then, when this day arrives I remember that final loss as the end of the pavement. A path I was familiar with that was now suddenly, unpaved and new and unknown. I took a self portrait that day, strangely I had a slight smirk. Maybe it was reflex to smile, and then at the same moment, I realized it was not happy or sad...but just was. That is the lingering feeling now.

It just was

I think of my star child often; sometimes they come to me in visions or dreams....other times I suddenly feel like I have forgotten to pick someone up or that the person I want to turn to has walked away, and I am left standing alone, staring into the ether.

They never got big enough to ever know completely. 

Now several years later, it is a day like others, except there are pauses along the way that I take to reflect and send love out. Much like days of loss for my grandparents and friends and companions that have left this plane of existence.

I think that is growth...I have learned how to carry the sorrow in a manageable way. Does that mean I have forgotten it or moved on....not really. The Barren has been pointing out and gazing at small humans much more often these days and I think that has been a revisited heartbreak for me and him. We are emotional and empathic people, so this is natural for us...but with a bitter twist of our own loss folded in.

So I send extra gentle hugs out to you all, as you remember your losses after reading this.

We are the broken but not lost

Breathe from your chest

 I did a grown up thing and got my colonoscopy done. It was alright and I made sure to tell EVERYONE about my stage 4 endo and where it was attached to my bowel. 

The doctor took biopsies and removed a couple polyps and said I can't take any NSAID's for two weeks. I've only had one optical migraine and I breathed my way through it.

I am thrilled to be on this side of the exam. 

It was taking up soooooooooo much space in my head and conscience. 

When checking in the nurse noticed I was quiet and still and she asked if it was my first time, after saying yes...she asked what I was most worried about...and I told her I had white coat, she asked from what...and I told her a decade of infertility. 

HER WHOLE BODY LANGUAGE changed and she was soothing and said she was so very sorry and placed my IV on the first try...and it didn't even bruise!!

When it was my turn, the doctor was nice, the nurse that gave me the drugs was kind and I asked if she would hold my hand, and she did until she had to administer the drugs...I was in a twilight sleep and was told to breathe from my chest, it made me think of yoga and I did as suggested. I have spots of memories of the procedure and then I was done. I went back to the bay, was helped to get dressed, walked out to The Barren and taken home, where the Barren had made me some vegan scrambled egg and rice and a glass of water.

Then I went to bed to sleep off the drugs and fart.

They found things in my colon. Fucking nothing surprises me anymore. It was clarified that nothing was cancer and no endo had penetrated the colon wall but, there is a possible immune disease. They won't really know for sure until I do some blood work and stool samples...whatever.

I seriously don't have enough energy to be concerned or worried about stuff. This last year and a half have stripped me of so much...clearly this is another thing.

I go in for another in 7 years or something like that. In the meantime, I have a new doctor trying to figure out my unique body.

On the flip side, we finally brought the cats home. 

We spent a week with them before telling anyone we brought them home. It made a good difference. They have all their shots, are neutered and spayed and are learning how to be housecats. 

Here are the three that now live with us:

Zahra- the kitty that started it all 💗

She is about a year old

Umber- this boy loves his mommy and naps

12weeks old

Kugel- the littlest of the litter and Parkour expert 

12 weeks old

The energy is totally different and as much as they are getting used to being housecats, we are re-learning what it is like to have young cats again.

It has been well over a decade since that was the case.

They change everyday, and hide less and are curious about more.

Soon we hope one will want to be a lap cat, nap buddy, and snuggle.

I can feel my heartbreak from the loss of our boys, becoming less, but their familiar natures are hard to unlearn. Having young cats and not old man cats, where you are used to having something wrong weekly, is an adjustment.

My breathing practice has helped stay calm when I hear a bang from another room, breathing has helped keep my concerns at bay...and breathing has helped me sit for an hour just to move a string back and forth so that I can pet them a little longer each time.

Breathing helps.

My breath is my strength

Hot Flash or Fever

I turned 51 on the 25th. I had another Covid birthday...it was quiet and I was glad my parents were healthy and fully vaccinated. I got my first hug from my parents in over a year...it was emotional, I got a drawing from my youngest niece. It is a drawing of me and The Barren looking at each other and when you place the two drawings side by side (like a friendship necklace) it forms one heart. 

I framed it when I got home. I have made my birthday cakes since going vegan because (I am protecting people) I didn't want to impose on others to make a special ingredient cake for me. 

The gathering was outside in the backyard and my mother made me a 14pound "cake" made out of watermelon and other fruit because she wanted me to be able to eat the whole thing. 

It made my heart explode...

And try as I might, I couldn't eat all the watermelon in time and ended up juicing it.

I dressed for the day again...blue polka dot peter pan collared dress

White basketball shoes and hairy legs. 

Last Tuesday, I got my second Dolly dose and waited until getting home to cry. I was overwhelmed, I was emotional, I was so thankful. I had seen a photograph earlier that week of a woman in India, visibly scared with an oxygen mask on her face while other women surrounded her and gazed at that mask. 

I looked at that image for a long long time. I felt their fear and their exhaustion...

I was lucky enough to get the vaccine, I was healthy...I was not going to die from this disease.

There are still STUPID people berating others for believing science, and their vaccine dose waits...

meanwhile others die from never having the opportunity.

It is a lot to digest...

Later that night, I started to play: " hot flash or fever"

My 30+hour fever started the night of the injection and by the morning, I felt every side effect from the paperwork list. Plus I got a "covid arm" from the vaccine. 

I thought everyone got a red swollen bump from shots...apparently not

I am at day 7 now, and it is almost not visible.

***

Then we roll into Mothers Day here in the US.

We have been on a waitlist with the recue group we adopted our cats from since November 2020

(right after we said goodbye to Xander)

After my second dose, we were invited to see 50 available kittens!

We went and spent 3hours meeting all of them... and hearing stories of how each of the in house mama cats had given birth there and the complications that some had encountered.

The kittens were all perfect and beautiful, the mama cats were enchanting and sweet and social.

The Barren kept going back to one enclosure and sitting with a teenage kitty.

I was sitting in the enclosure next to him and witnessed him falling in love.

The kitty walked into his lap, and fell asleep.

She looked at him the way our Theo used to look at him, 

it was so beautiful to see love transcend time and galaxies...it was his cat!!

I began to weep...it was such a powerful thing to witness!

When I entered the enclosure, I sat and she watched me. I leaned forward and asked her if she wanted to live with us....she walked over to me and got into my lap. 

She had selected her people.

We were offered the opportunity to foster her and have her give birth in our home!

We both went pale and said we were not emotionally stable enough if something was to happen.

After all she had just told us stories about the complications some of the mama cats had.

Our girl is YOUNG and SMALL and that scares us.

But of course, my IF talk came back into play and I began second guessing our choices...

Should we have her here now

Should be just "buckle up and grow some nerves"

should we...

what if we...

So for the record...

****

We didn't find a kitten, or even two...

we are adopting a pregnant teenage cat,

and when she gives birth, we will adopt one or more of her babies too...

The irony of the situation was not lost on me.

We left after telling the Rescue leader and I have signed up for volunteer hours 

(so I can visit her as she progresses to birth)

We are in our early 50's, 

we are adopting a teenager who is pregnant 

and will raise one or more of her babies too.

We are about three months away from having a kitty in our home again.

I am anxiously trying to get everything ready for them

Nesting?!

SERIOUSLY!!

When we got home Saturday night, I felt numb.

I half filled a tub and sat in it and began to wail...

Deep heaving crying...missing my kitty cats...wanting a connection like The Barren had gotten.

Fearful that it was all falling away from me.

I was like a woman possessed, I was wailing and talking to myself in whispers.

The Barren came in to find my in quite a bathtubbed state.

Crying, wailing, laughing whispering...like two people were having active conversations in my tub...

I sipped some water and The Barren sat to soothe me back into one mindbody.

I think that was all leftover from my sorrow...

I was so thankful that The Barren knew how to let it happen, and gave me space and no judgement.

I was mourning, and he recognized it.

Even in that moment-it was a reminder that my sorrow is deep, it travels across time, manifests in numbness, smiles and laughter. As I stepped out of the tub, intoxicated from the emotional ride I had just taken...I have learned to respect the space it needs from me, but not let it take over.

Gone

*** trigger warning, a post about grief and loss ***

 

We held him as he fell into his final sleep. 

17years and 2months after bringing him home; my constant companion for all those years. 

I made choices over these past years to not travel on business trips or even multiple days away, as he got stressed out and I would be distracted by not seeing he was okay.

As he aged I was his primary caretaker and huge portions of my day were spent checking on him, and making sure all his needs were addressed before he knew he needed them. It was something I didn't even think about as the days ran on. He loved me and I loved him.

He was my friend, my confidant and a true companion.

Quarantine made our time together more structured and we napped at or around 1:30pm almost daily together, as I sleep lightly at night, it was an easy way to give him attention and get some soothing from him for my anxiety and sorrow. 

Around mid October, something happened. The Barren and I were chatting and he let out a strange meow, which had us rushing to him. He lost all mobility in his legs, leaving him unable to stand or sit. we took him onto the patio and spoke to him as he looked confused and tired. Our daily hummingbird looked on at him and the scene unfolding. Xander tried to stand and walk indoors and I supported him and took him into my studio where he laid on a pillow on the floor and settled into what we thought was going to be his final moments. Over the next three hours he regained the use of his legs and was able to walk again and eat. I laid awake most of that night checking on him and soothing him through two more mini episodes. I asked The Barren if all my hair had turned white from the shock.

As the next days past, we was totally self propelled....but I started noticing he was more and more tired.

His breathing became more and more labored, he needed to take a break walking down the hallway. He got winded turning around in the seat. He drank less and ate less...the time had come.

A lovely vet came to our home and with one looked said she understood why we called her.

While they prepared his sleeping medicine, he got up from his patio chair, walked into the house, greeted them and then motioned to be picked up. The Barren held him, then handed him to me. I walked back outside and sat with him. The hummingbird returned and sat on the leaf above his feeder and watched.

Xander got a sleeping medicine shot and then the euthanasia shot. He fell into a slow sleep, hearing my heartbeat and his head being covered in kisses.

Simply put, this cat was magic, as I am sure most peoples companions are to them...how lucky we are to be able to walk with them. How lucky I was to give him dignity and a peaceful death.

I sat in the chair the next morning, crying and mourning. The hummingbird arrived and sat on his leaf. He looked at me, then the door and the deck and the chair, waiting and searching for Xander. I watched this for 15minutes...and wondered how do you console a hummingbird?!

Xander's ashes were returned two days later, and we built our annual Dia de los Muertos altar.

The silence in the house is deafening, and maybe that is why I can hear the hissing in my ears so well these days. Today marks one week since he left and I still awake in the middle of the night looking for his fur to pat, peek into rooms to see if he is sleeping quietly...We are donating his food, new cat toys and some cat beds to the rescue we got him from.

The hummingbird comes and sits on his leaf daily still, singing and watching me as I sit in the chair Xander use to sun in and that he took his final breath in. I talk to the hummingbird and thank them for their songs and tell them what a good friend he was to keep Xander company on the patio while he slept and sunned himself in his final months.

Although I have yet to take a nap since he passed, I know that I will eventually...maybe he will come to me in my dreams while I doze and think of him.

**you can hear the hummingbird chirp as he arrives off camera

A collection of shit

***below contains sarcasm, frustration and doctors and shit*** 

So things are cruising along...

We have all voted early and continue to do it, at least it seems like that...and we all want the white supremist racist baboon out of office and he needs to drag all his misogynist friends with him like toilet paper stuck to his shoe.

It is tense here. In fact I chose to get my annual exam before the election as I mentioned to my doctor I was afraid of what may lay ahead until we can get this asshole out of office/power. (like the early fear and an influx of IUDs when he took office)

She mentioned that she read that dentists have been reporting an increase in chipped or cracked teeth in the last year!

I have been wearing my bite plate at night since 2016 election night created a chipped tooth

We are a mess! and fighting the good fights but night time dreams, continued quarantining and additional stress from working at home is taking a toll.

Our cat had, what we assume was, a stroke the night before last, he lost all ability to control his right side legs and mobility and we thought that was it. He laid down on his pillow on the floor, we sat with him talking, petting and saying goodbyes as his breathing was slower and more erratic. Then, he slowly recovered the use of his body...when he stood on his own two and a half hours later....we realized we have a serious badass cat, who just reset his body for the 6th time...when he got up and ate, I looked at The Barren and asked " so is all my hair white now?"  He continues to be stronger and aside from slowing his roll a little more, he is mobile and self driven. I am thankful and still in shock, in fact I think we all are still quite.

So as I mentioned, I went to get my annual check up at the doctor. At 50 you get two new features of the check over: a rectal exam and an order for a colonoscopy. Two gifts I struggled to have enthusiasm about. I was unfazed about the exam, I am a little nervous about the procedure, although almost everyone I know has had it done.

I also got the results from my mammogram I had two days ago and it seems that is a 5mm "subtle nodule" that needs to be looked at more closely.  That has me more anxious, and I am trying to play it all calm in front of The Barren who is clearly quite unsettled by it. I have my super uber ultrasound on Monday (which I pay for because insurance won't) and between that and the extra mammogram and ultrasounds the mammogram place wants to do I hope to have a better sense of what it might be and if a needle biopsy is needed. 

(I am trying really hard to not freak, as a friend had a small change like this on a yearly mammogram and she ended up with a double mastectomy ) 

2020: Like I needed to have another concern or terror this year! 

Oh but according to the scale at the doctors office I was down 14pounds and not a single word about that, except "your BMI is good." So that felt anti-climactic from the doctor that kept telling me to lose 5 more pounds!

Most of my concerns about weird skin textures, and stiffness was attributed to perimenopause and that I will have a unique experience as my mother had a hysterectomy and so I am free floating in that pond of unknown information.

I had blood taken and left and got lunch. It was 100* and I ordered a hot chai, because I just made it through yet another exam.

So how are you all doing? Still locked up like us here in the US? Please share holiday plans, as we will be socially distancing for those too...

On the good news front, hubby's wish came true and we have crows that come to our patio daily and eat peanuts we leave for them. This makes him happy and smile and that makes me feel like there is something really bright and wonderful too look forward to every day! 

Cracked

This week was the closest I've been to actually having a mental break.

Everything seemed to tumble into me

I was overwhelmed by the news

I was overwhelmed with my life

I was overwhelmed by driving

I was overwhelmed by having to choose what to eat

I was overwhelmed my responsibilities

I was overwhelmed and emotional

I was overwhelmed by the sense of loneliness

I made myself go to yoga on Friday thinking

this is your social moment,

this is what will keep you from floating away.

I had been sitting at home staring at submission screens thinking: why?!

I had gone into work that week

I had made dinner for us that whole week

I had paid bills and did laundry

and then the whole world seemed so big and sad and burning and angry

and upside down and wrong, so so wrong.

I could feel it all and it made me tip

I forced myself out of bed, even though I wanted to spend the day sleeping and under the covers

I functioned but felt empty.

After yoga class

I went home and cried some 

(I don't cry much these days so I thought that was a good sign)

then my mother called and I told her now was not a good time.

(conversations with my parents have shifted as of late and require a lot of emotional strength and effort to simply listen and not try and say much of anything, which seems to go unnoticed)

I showered and got dressed and sat.

The old man cat laid on me like a tiny weighted blanket, checking on me 

as I laid there and stared into nothing.

I slept a little

and then The Barren came home from work

I ate something

and we crawled into bed.

I promised him I'd not look at news anymore

I had attempted to empty my FB account of personal images

leaving my business one with only work

Yesterday I took the news off my phone, 

so no more notices of the next bad and horrible that has happened.

I called senators and congress people and asked them to support important issues

protect our planet and our under-represented people.

I unsubscribed from political emails that I get texts from every hour 

The Barren made me promise to protect myself

I feel sooo much sometimes it is dangerous to my mental health.

so I have been focusing on quieting my mind for a little while

I have been asking myself what else I can do to make a difference as one person.

buy less 

less packing

I have been focusing on the things I am doing

and how it means something.

I am trying

Challenge and changes

***warning***

Post about new loss of a companion 

So I finished the 30days of yoga in 31days, I had 35 to do it in.

in the final week, a horrible happened.

Our sweet fat kitty was diagnosed with aggressive large cell lymphoma in his intestines along with a sizable growth that was impeding into this colon.

This came out of no where and to say the least has taken us to the rawest place.

He was diagnosed on Tuesday, the day before his 13th birthday, confirmed cell size on Wednesday and Friday night we had the vet home to home and let him go.

In the two and a half days from diagnosis he had stopped eating and drinking and was no longer sleeping but just gazing. 

The disease moved fast and the vet said that the gazing was it entering the brain.

He was slathered in love, and body rubs and kisses and told over and over how much he was loved.

He was the first cat to have as a companion that spoke to you and moaned and groaned responses.

He loved sleeping and when not sleeping, he liked to nap.

There is a massive hole in us

The Barren declared that he lost his best friend.

I am struck over and over during the day.

The surviving kitty, is 3 years older and today has been calling for him....

It is heart breaking...yesterday he spent a large portion as high up on my chest as he could get

my heart below his flip flopping in my chest.

It is going to be a long road as we all learn to live with this new grief.

I am thankful I had 13years with him

and was able to laugh through tears as memories of his antics flood my mind.

Ideally we were able to free him from his body fast enough to avoid him suffering from an evil fast moving demon....

Stress

I am not dealing with what is being dealt my way these days.
My skin for it seems very thin, or nonexistent.

 * cat has possible entropin (inward turning eyelids and it requires surgery)

he is 15 years old, and drools from stress just going to the vet.

*I am trying to deal with the newly revived PTSD from MY last vet experiences:

1. the pet food poisoning that had melamine in the food we almost lost both cats
2.  emergency surgery from ingesting a metal nut
that got stuck in his intestine and needed to be removed.

3. Same cat, showed signs of the nut experience experience again back last summer
and I was a train wreck- it was am irritated stomach.

Now, his eye has swollen and it appears that he has entropion 

*My breast ultrasound, which my insurance would not cover so I paid $150 to have the required test done showed a small cyst (the doctor said it appears to be benign)

* I am still spotting on and off since the miscarriage in August, I have been told this is normal, even though, it is still unsettling.

* my current work schedule has me upside down and not really allowing for regular studio time, so most of the free time is spent catching up on home chores (which sucks)

* I have several shows I am trying to prepare for on this limited time and now the cat, has me like a full on, should be committed basket case...I feel like I am coming apart at the seams.

Since writing this the cat has had his surgery-
waiting for the vet to call and say he survived was so stressful that my face went numb!
I didn't eat for two days

He is home now and on day two of recovery, and it appears that he is truly on the mend.
I did not sleep the first night he came home, but got some last night and he is increasing his mobility and has no signs of problems....
but the recheck is tomorrow and then another on Monday.
Until then my job is to guard his corneas and be a full time nurse and body guard.
The Barren can not take time off and I really can't either but,
 I was designated as the caregiver and so I am doing that.
I have not gone to yoga, or even left hte house as he can not be unattended. The week prior was so stressful as I was grappling with feelings and doubts and fears while giving a small puma a constant feed of eye-drops, I missed a lot of yoga then too, and instead slept my sorrow.

I am beyond thankful that this cat is as tenacious as he is and dead set to be my guy for some more time...and now that he can see, the sky is really the limit.
At the drop off, I mentioned to The Barren that all his hospital experiences have been successful and good. It was me that has been so traumatized and so at that epiphany I chose to not doom my cat....imagine the worst case scenarios or envision something wrong.
It was a REALLY long wait for an update call, but it came and we took him home soon afterwards!
He has been waking from his naps head butting me and purring and eating.
I am overwhelmed with the grace this cat possesses.

Kitty Cats View

Exciting day of window watching today, 

new slurry being poured

Sick and tired

Sorry for being MIA for a while there, I got my annual cootie and it has stuck around far far far longer then I had patience for.

Let me back track...

 

After the ultrasound I went to get a massage, because I was sooooooooooo freaked out and worked up over it. I haven't had a massage in over a year and just wanted a "relax all is really gonna be fine" kind of massage...

Well the massage woman pretty much bruised me and then rubbed my feet to make me fall asleep and then sent me on my way...

Clearly she wielded some hypnotic powers over me as I walked out of the spa, sliding in my sandals from all the oil on my skin and cruised right into the children's clothing store next door and bought two things for what will be a new niece or nephew at the end of August.

I was only hearing the sounds of chimes from the darkened massage room as I shopped next to the overly pregnant shoppers, still unaware of the cootie that had been released within.

A day later I had a funny crackle in my chest, and by that night a low fever and sore throat.

 

I usually give myself 48hours of "icky" time, I can only really deal with being that patient with a cold. Well, this one had other plans as after 48hrs, it got worse and had me in my doctors office asking her to drain my head and replace my throat. Sadly because I am allergic to all things holy in cough medicine I had to play "medicine cabinet petri dish" with over the counter cold medicine to find the right combination of things that would suppress the rib cracking cough.

I got no sleep for over four nights and then on Monday The Barren cracked the code:

1. when settling into sleep, sip water every 5 seconds for three minutes

2. take a cap full of DayQuil

3. after one hour had passed, take an expired benydrl and wait...

4. fall into a coma so deep the cough can not permeate it

5. avoid the alarm clock at 5am and snooze until 5:45 then

6. soak self in shower and start your day of work.

 

I am sleeping on my own now and playing catch up....

I ended up spending a week at home, moaning groaning and pacing

I was BEYOND bored and exhausted

When I sat still, I was freaking out over all the deadlines that were passing me, and how much more behind I would be. When I tried to work, it would lead to hours staring and when I typed something, it looked something like this:

"I am in this thing, it is big and interesting, you should see it"

I decided to spare you from those colorful descriptions and grand scenes.

 

I also now have a new appreciation of what the cats feel like, as thrilled as they were with their couch was here ALL the time, I know what it feels like to be an indoor cat.

Wake up change places of sitting,

watch birds on patio,

drink water,

sleep,

move to new sitting place,

sleep,

snack on something unpleasing,

sleep, move to new sitting space...repeat

 

My cell phone was filled with pictures of the cats,

as they were my constant companions

see:

when I was sitting up

When I was leaning back

I am a horrible patient and have no patience for colds.

Thankfully, this one has started moving out.

 

The Barren was sad to hear " the raspy 5pack a day cigarette " voice leave.

apparently that is his favorite part of my colds.

Me being a total stubborn person that doesn't want to do anything suggested for the first two days is his least favorite part.

 

I promise my next post will be better....

 

Thankful Thursday

It is thankful Thursday again and I am feeling good and thankful and still serene

...but maybe a little tired.

 

My Brother (I forgot his title, I think I called him the Earl) has a "Mayan calendar countdown clock" on his desktop here at work and every time he is at his desk he announces how many more hours until the end of the world.

If he has calculated right, it will be sometime around 2 or 3 am, so I will be with who I want to be with for the end of time....if it happens.

For that I am thankful.

 

We had three "earthquakes" here this morning...being a native to earthquake land, I went into drop and cover mode without a thought and waited for the earth to continue to shake...it didn't...

and then the news agency released an

" official statement" from the U.S. Geological Survey telling the local  News the shaking and boom seems to have been caused by a "sonic signal not an earthquake." He continued to say that the object is most likely an aircraft heading north and that preliminary reports show it reaching 2,000-plus miles per hour.

Then three military helicopters flew over the area and then

Shortly there after, there was a statement from the Local Air Force Base stating there were F-22's doing things along the coast.

The conspiracy theory's are all over the place right now...

I am thankful I am heading home soon...and away from the crazies.

 

but a little concerned that there will be a whale washing ashore soon or a pod of dolphin showing up somewhere wrong because of these "signals" *sigh*

 

I decorated the house last weekend, we have a tree that smells yummy and is covered with handmade ornaments. The twinkle lights are up and the holiday picture cards are coming in...little faces amongst images of my aging friends.

 It doesn't seem to hurt so much looking at those families...this year...

I am thankful for my quiet home, my obsessive cats that demand time from us

and space to relax on our laps.

I am thankful for the ability to make our own chaos and make bad food choices

I am thankful to sleep in late and spoil other peoples children

I am thankful to have a little extra coin to give to others and make cookies for neighbors

I am thankful for The Barren, loving me to uniquely and deeply.

 

I am thankful this Thursday

So if tomorrow is the end of the world, I am glad I had this place and time.

If not, The Barren owes his college roommate $20

 

 





Sunday

I am actually at home all weekend, and working on some new work; while fielding calls from Mom and Dad asking medicine questions.

This is good, because not only are things getting a little better there, I also got pancakes yesterday!

Hubby makes a mean pancake and I am only to happy to be part of the taste testing as he explores new recipes. He loves my belly...so I am happy to fill it with pancakes!

Sunday for some reason is one of most favorite days...I don't really know why, as the looming following day of work is one that makes the day seem shorter...as its casualness is often interrupted with chores and crap like that....but I really love the sleepiness of Sunday.

One of my many favorite things to do is make tents for the cats.
Yes, I am that woman