Monday, September 24, 2018

Riding the waves

Handmade doll for 3yr olds birthday

So remember that baby shower I wasn't invited to and then the second baby shower I found out about on social media that I also was not invited to, because I wasn't going to show up anyways....
well, I got a half-assed invite to that same persons sons third birthday.

" hey lady, we are having a party this Friday for kiddos 3rd bday, 530pm. Hot dogs and pinata...not sure screaming kids at the end of the week are your thing but we wanted to invite you and The Barren"

I accepted immediately
I think there was some spite in my acceptance, but....whatever
I found this book at the local thrift shop and made the doll the day of the party; in between work and yoga class....the silkscreen paint was pretty darn dry by the time I wrapped it up.
Apparently the 3year olds suggestions for the soon to be little mini me is 
" poo poo head"
So I made him a baby of his own that he can torture or play with while mom 
is busy with the real one.***

The party was all hipster parents and cake and screaming kids 
and I chatted with a few people while banshees and harpies ran around us 
high on sugar and sleep deprivation.

I was proud of myself for playing it cool...
The Barren was not able to go because he was traveling and so I did it solo!

*note the ripped paper of the dressing gown
nervous twitch maybe

I also survived the yearly check up with the doctor.
I get white coat so they line the exam table with the thicker non stick paper sheets.
I get a hot flash as soon as the doctor appears and proceed to create small waterfalls of sweat all throughout the exam. I don't think I have ever gotten a manual breast exam from her where she didn't get a handful of sweat and deodorant.
She said aside from still needing to loose 3-5 pounds 
(my lord this woman uses the BMI index like an end all be all information system )
I am doing well and should keep it up
exercise as much as I can and keep up the vegan diet and stay happy

I don't have to see her for another year (ideally)
Now I just have mammogram and breast ultrasounds to finish
easy peasy

I'm dead set on just riding this last month away...
In my minds eye I am sitting in the shade
by a big body of water
tide lapping nearby
and letting it all go

letting all that shit go
*** Mom to be just texted and asked if I had any name ideas!!
I went to the first name site I could find and picked one randomly

Friday, September 07, 2018

The Debriefing

Having a miscarriage at 48 is very different than one at 36
My body reacted differently
My mind was in a different place
My heart was in a different place and settled in a new and different way.

I was numb for a long time
almost like my whole being went into a fight or flight reaction
from information long ago learned.

I postponed my yearly physical by a week, 
The Barren will be traveling during the original time 
and I didn't want to be alone when I got back home from another doctor visit.

I am done with doctors
but I understand I still need to advocate for myself,
so I still get all the required check-ins 
so I am not as rebellious as I imagine myself to be.

In the week, when the bleeding finally stopped, I went back to yoga with a gusto
and I found myself saying to myself....
" be kind to yourself, you just had a miscarriage"
I was trying to be kind, to excuse when I felt weak

I waited for the bleeding to stop to tell my parents, 
I felt a heavy weight to share it with my mother in particular.
When I did tell her, I heard myself explaining in great detail that there might not have been an embryo in this miscarriage, reassuring her I was alright and that I was responsible and had many doctors tell me that I was in no danger.
She said she was sorry that I had to experience this again...
I told her I get to experience and process loss
that is what I get to do in this lifetime.

She shared with my father what happened and he when he heard my voice on the phone,
he said:
" I am so sorry, I don't know what else to say about it"
I told him that was perfect and thank you
then he told me I was a strong woman, 
this made me almost totally collapse into a puddle.

I haven't seen them since sharing the news, that is unusual.
I called and checked in a couple of time afterwards, to make sure all were alright

I think this has highlighted a couple things for me:
I am older
I can handle loss, repeatedly 
I am stronger now because of what I have experienced in the past
I can 
I am also able to let myself grieve 

I feel in many ways it might have been a sign from my body that I have crossed the last line of fertility. Even when I thought it was past, this was the final proof of that.

I had a dream before this all began, and I had seen myself dead in photographs
Like and out of body experience of seeing myself in a dream
when I looked up the meaning on several dream dictionary sites, they all said the same thing:
"In your dream you see yourself dead, at first you may think this is about you being dead. However it’s not, this dream is about you moving forward into being a new person.
You are growing and maturing as a human being and you’re ready to move to the next phase of your life and you’re ready to leave the old you behind.
This type dream is important because it shows that you are growing and developing your spiritual side and gives you the message that you’re headed in the right direction."
I am taking some comfort in this knowledge from the greater sources