The Debriefing

Having a miscarriage at 48 is very different than one at 36

My body reacted differently

My mind was in a different place

My heart was in a different place and settled in a new and different way.

I was numb for a long time

almost like my whole being went into a fight or flight reaction

from information long ago learned.

I postponed my yearly physical by a week, 

The Barren will be traveling during the original time 

and I didn't want to be alone when I got back home from another doctor visit.

I am done with doctors

but I understand I still need to advocate for myself,
so I still get all the required check-ins 

so I am not as rebellious as I imagine myself to be.

In the week, when the bleeding finally stopped, I went back to yoga with a gusto

and I found myself saying to myself....

" be kind to yourself, you just had a miscarriage"

I was trying to be kind, to excuse when I felt weak

I waited for the bleeding to stop to tell my parents, 

I felt a heavy weight to share it with my mother in particular.

When I did tell her, I heard myself explaining in great detail that there might not have been an embryo in this miscarriage, reassuring her I was alright and that I was responsible and had many doctors tell me that I was in no danger.

She said she was sorry that I had to experience this again...

I told her I get to experience and process loss

that is what I get to do in this lifetime.

She shared with my father what happened and he when he heard my voice on the phone,
he said:

" I am so sorry, I don't know what else to say about it"

I told him that was perfect and thank you

then he told me I was a strong woman, 

this made me almost totally collapse into a puddle.

I haven't seen them since sharing the news, that is unusual.

I called and checked in a couple of time afterwards, to make sure all were alright

I think this has highlighted a couple things for me:

I am older

I can handle loss, repeatedly 

I am stronger now because of what I have experienced in the past

I can 

I am also able to let myself grieve 

I feel in many ways it might have been a sign from my body that I have crossed the last line of fertility. Even when I thought it was past, this was the final proof of that.

I had a dream before this all began, and I had seen myself dead in photographs

Like and out of body experience of seeing myself in a dream

when I looked up the meaning on several dream dictionary sites, they all said the same thing:

"In your dream you see yourself dead, at first you may think this is about you being dead. However it’s not, this dream is about you moving forward into being a new person.

You are growing and maturing as a human being and you’re ready to move to the next phase of your life and you’re ready to leave the old you behind.

This type dream is important because it shows that you are growing and developing your spiritual side and gives you the message that you’re headed in the right direction."

I am taking some comfort in this knowledge from the greater sources

Goals and Birthdays

vanilla cake, lime coconut frosting vegan birthday cupcakes

I am not sure why, but I seem to always be SUPER emotional and goal oriented around my birthday.

I had set a goal for myself last year and when I didn't met it I was disappointed 

but kept moving towards it.

 It is something I have wanted to be able to do for longer than I can remember...

It represents a symbol of strength to me...

It is pretty badass

It is something most people can do with almost no effort

What is it?

A pushup

yep...

I have never been able to do one

I want to be able to do one, and not a "girl" push-up

but a kick-ass real deal push-up

I have been working on it for a LONG time... 

and I am proud to report I did it in front of The Barren on the eve of my 

48th birthday, Tuesday night.

The Barren cried he was so happy for me (heart swelling)

I am also of the camp that if it is not documented it didn't really happen

and being a visual person, I needed to photograph it

so I did:

Elbows in against my ribs

down to a 90* bend 

ass up, knees off the floor

legitimate push-up folks!

Recap of a moment in time

I made it past so many milestones these last few weeks...

I am amazed at myself.

I am still standing...and I really believe that I can say I am firmly planted.

my view of the crowd and cameras and newspaper people

I survived the speaking engagement, turns out it was me and two museum directors!

No other artists on the panel, so I indeed offered a unique perspective.

It was an extra credit kind of thing, so the people who were not looking at their phones the whole time were kind of listening. I had super prepared and was quoted in the school paper complete with some unflattering photos:

The Barreness, a photographer and printmaker shared her experience with rejection, but she describes having her work accepted as magical and validating “Rejection is a massive part of the career, “Be stubborn about your goals and flexible about your methods.”She advises to learn how to do everything— to understand what’s being made in the community, to go to art galleries and read books."

So that happened and is past me. The Barren surprised me and came to the event, and sat across the hall opposite of me, so he could give me ques about speaking up and cheer me on. I was beyond touched and felt so very loved and supported and surprised. 

Next was my miscarriage anniversary, and I was quiet most of the day, but I felt stronger than years past, although it might not of appeared that way from the outside. A few people mentioned just how exhausted I looked. The Barren checked in with me a couple of times, and made a suggestion that to better live with the day, maybe I should consider treating it differently; think of it differently. Instead of mourning the loss, think of it more like a journey, or the start of one. Our little star child was released to be whomever they were meant to be with us and it created the magic that allows them to whisper in our ears when our heart is heavy or come to us in our dreams when I need to imagine what they might have looked like... As a reassurance of them always being with us. 

I am working on that....but I can see the long-term benefit of it. 

A healthier heart and lighter soul, for us all.

**********************************************************************

Then there was Halloween and a chance to dress up as a longtime hero:

Guerrilla Girl

                   Considering I am allergic to latex this was an act of bravery and admiration!                                                   I loved slipping into this persona and feeling strong and smarter than normal and ready to take on the world!

We made dinner and turned off the porch lights and binged watched Stranger Things season 2...it was the perfect Halloween, there was even rowdy teenagers outside looking for trouble and candy and tummy-aches.

Then our wedding anniversary! 

Whew...25years together and 15 married...crazy crazy and ooooh so thankful and grateful and wonderful. My heart is beyond full when I think of the The Barren. He is truly a match made in heaven for me. He got me a crystal ball, so I could see our long and happy lives 💖 I mean REALLY!!

Now I am left to wonder what the rest of the year holds...I am beyond most of the timelines and deadlines...so really in a free-fall again to make any kind of art I want. I am also scrambling to make some cash, I have made crafty things, placed affordable art in some gallery spaces...hoping hard that someone wants to shop and become an art collector.  I can say that although things are dry it is not from lack of trying.  I am firmly planted now...Just fine tuning and growing.

Pride in the journey

So The Barren is growing in his grief...he is learning to identify his triggers.

That is HUGE

He was at work learning some new stuff for his current role and a new parent was talking about how thankful they were to have some time off work and it was supported by the employer.

I got a text message saying:

" HR was talking about paid family leave and out of nowhere I find myself about to break down...doing OK now, but it was touch and go for a moment"

After work he met with him mom and they were chatting and she started to ask about all our friends with kids and how we must hang out with them and play with their kids...

He spoke up and said, you know we often need to protect ourselves from our triggers and make sure we are alright with going to an event or party. We often skip them so that we can relax and enjoy our afternoon too. He told her about the event earlier in the day.

She was flustered, and out of no where asked if we were thinking about adoption.

to which The Barren said NO

He thinks she was not sure how to deal with suddenly witnessing his grief 

...I think she just needed to get a question off her chest.

Regardless, I am beyond proud of him and his new ability to speak up about things that trigger his sorrow and memories. He is making progress and that is to be applauded.

Yoga anniversary

Ok, So I try REALLY HARD to not evangelize yoga....
I never want to sound like this....but it is funny as all hell

This last week I celebrated my 4th yogaiversary
I have been going to yoga three to four times a week for four years now!
It is the longest I have ever participated in an activity and still want to go.
This is amazing to me.

what!? are those muscles!!!
extended side angle with a double bind

I started yoga because a couple ladies I know wanted to try it
...I am the only one practicing.

When I began I was just out of my stage 4 endo diagnosis and wanted to find a way to start and reclaim my body back. I was in incredible pain from my cycles
and my back was weak and I felt broken
...just totally broken.

I started to see a difference in the first three months, I was able to mange cycle pain better.
I learned how to breathe more effectively and move my body.
I can manage stress (physical and emotional) better.

I am stronger and feel like I am in control of my body again
I can't do everything I want YET in class,
as I am still figuring out what my endo has seized up and what I can work through
...and what I can mentally believe I can do;
because it really is an exercise of the ego.

I can look at myself in the mirror while practicing,
but I will never be a front row person and I am ok with that.
I can practice next to a visually pregnant woman and not cry or focus on my loss.
I continue to do yoga in strange places at home (like above) and in public places where when I feel stress I do "lions breath" and make The Barren laugh.
I know my tummy will never be flat, no matter how many situps and how much food I restrict,
I carry the visual reminder of my losses in my belly, presenting at 10weeks forever.
I am embracing that too.

I thank my body after every class for being able to heal and move and breathe.
I like feeling strong
I am pretty proud of me right now and I simply wanted to mark this with a post.
I am tooting my own horn
and that is OK too sometimes

Silence in between

I have been quiet again.

I had my HUGE annual art opening and this year I kept telling The Barren that something felt different. He told me that I was anxious each year, and that I was simply feeling that.

It turns out, that my work has yet to sell.

For the last 6years it has sold either before the show opened, or at opening night.

This year it is still hanging on the wall, unsold.

This pretty much CRUSHED my fragile and small sense of self.

I have carried this in my heart like a heavy stone.

I focused on the holidays, but after throwing up Hanukkah...

 I got a cold...it was a new years eve gift I guess...

It had me out of both society and yoga and 

The Barren told me I was acting like a grumpy 14 year old.

I will own that.

I don't like being sick...I don't like my freedom of motion infringed on

in any level; 

whether it is a runny nose or a sore muscle or a cough that won't let me sleep, 

or a car that is out for the afternoon getting an oil change....

I am bossy and grumpy that way.

It seems the cold has finally hit the road and I am getting back into my groove.

While on "holiday" I tried to work on my relationship with food.

I have one, going vegan has made me look at food differently,

not that I had an issue before but now there is a lot of guilt 

associated with food that was not there before.

Over the holiday, I worked on loosing the grip on my restrictions.

I had crackers

I had "ice cream"

I had cake

I ate bread

I ate chips

Now looking at this list I think, oh gosh look at all that bad food.

The food isn't bad, my relationship with it is.

I repeated a mantra I use when I am faced with being "decadent" 

and thinking about how long it will take to make up for the decision.

exercise is not punishment for what I ate, it is a celebration of what my body can do.

I used kinder words with my self talk and simply said, you need a break.

You are doing nothing wrong eating something different here and there.

Now all the "holiday" food is out of the house 

and I am eating dates to combat my sweet tooth

 and drinking green tea to kick the caffeine to the curb.

Things are clearing in my head, I also realize that:

I am still reeling from this election and each day, the USA seems darker and scarier.

I am trying to manage this too...

I am not watching news anymore, listening to NPR for a short time daily.

I only watch movies

FLEABAG on Netflix was fun...and dark

I am sitting in the studio a lot, staring at the wall...but I am showing up.

I am an artist, my job is to make art.

I am back at my 3-4 times a week of practice...

which is really my mental health appointment with myself.

I am excited about the Women's March in 8 days...

The Barren and I are going because we need to go!

I am trying to figure out what I want our signs to say.

Mostly I am trying to find how I fit into this new crazed place.

It may appear that I am sitting in silence, but I am really planning and plotting.

I have never been one to be quiet in the face of something that is bothering me.

It has caused problems before, but now...

My parents joked that they will put some money aside to "bail me out of jail"

I have no intention of getting myself arrested

but my voice will not be silent.

Mondayssssss for days

I needed a little pick me up

so I thought I would pass it along to 

you magical wonderful loveies

Kindness

I have decided to make a bigger effort to choose positive 

in my daily life....

I believe the power of one person can make a difference.

I have chosen to be more good

Believe in LOVE and Goodness

it is always bigger than hate

Run over

So last week I was dead set on going back to yoga after missing the week because of my head-cold...and I arrived to my class on Friday with a sore stomach and feeling sweaty.

I brushed it aside to peri-menopausal symptoms and that I ate too much cabbage the night before.

Plus now I am convinced that the heated room 

and a good sweat can solve all coming cooties and ickies.

I got settled into class, and I started to feel dizzy...

OK move slow...

then the face-down poses started and the pressure on my stomach was not good....

then the standing was iffy, then the forward fold...

and a "wet burp". 

I calmly walk out of class and await the following...nothing. 

Performance anxiety

I try and return to class to finish and it is made PERFECTLY CLEAR

 that is not going to happen!

Defeated, I roll up my mat, take my cold sweaty body to the showers, 

get dressed and head to work....

Wrong choice number 2

I am able to stay for about an hour, 

before I need to get into my car to head home.

Along the drive I think of all the errands I still need to do...

and then I head a voice in my head.

"take care of yourself, don't do anything but go home"

I reason with myself that I can take the mail the following day to get postage...

I make it home to see the neighbor walking his toddler and newborn, he looks up at me as I am exiting my car and says hey how ya doing? 

I say " I'm sick keep a distance" 

he says yeah, I'm trying to keep her head out of it, 

she just tossed all down the front of me, 

referencing the swaddled newborn he was attached to. 

I suddenly image the smell of curdled milk....

I made it in the house, up the stairs and to the bathroom just in time to lose it....

The rest of the day was spent shivering, 

sweating and sleeping until The Barren made it home from work 

with anti nausea medicine and saltines.

He rescued me once again.

Why do I go into details?

If I had a child this would have been made SOOOO MUCH MORE complicated

I was thankful that I just needed to deal with me that day

as I could barely do that.

This last weekend was spent recovering

Then....

The Barren started to not feel well again, we have  

both been battling something for the last two weeks!

Now he is headed off to the doc as his cough is sounding different 

and keeping sleeping at bay.

I joked with a friend that 46 is HARD

I got to be a birthday girl for three days and then I got sick!

Can I call a do over?

Then after this last weekend I told The Barren that I was in 

metamorphosis and that I am gonna be one DAMN fine butterfly

when this was gone.
I refuse to let everything lead to something bad any longer!

New Years Eve

I have been focusing on this concept.

In many facets of my life.

I think it is natural to want to assess the year as it winds out, 

I do it on my birthday too...the marker of time and accomplishments.

New years is always somewhat sad for me...I get really melancholy for some reason.

In reflecting on eve's gone by, I realize that I was always sort of sad...

maybe it is really the quiet that is reflection...and not sadness at all.

I have found that in these last few weeks I have been consciously letting go.

In petty arguments

in petty goals (no this has to go here....)

 in what I think I am right about, or wrong about 

There is a sweetness to letting go.

I feel less heavy in those moments, when I realize I am making a choice to be better

or more aware or less concerned.

When shit hit the fan many years ago, I sought help after feeling like I was falling into an abyss...

My therapist once played back my recording when I was looking for someone to help me

" Hi I just found out I can't have kids and I need help dealing with this. 

I feel lost and dark. Are you accepting new patients?"

Damn...that was raw and brave! Even in the face of the fire breathing Barreness, I stood there with my shield held high enough to not get charbroiled, and instead call for help.

In those dark days, I tried to find help in words...
and picked up When things fall apart. 
I liked the idea of a female monk helping me.
Many of her words did and although I didn't finish the book,
I took what I needed from it and walked further away from the Dragon.

"When things are shaky and nothing is working, we might realize that we are on the verge of something. We might realize that this is a very vulnerable and tender place, and that tenderness can go either way. We can shut down and feel resentful or we can touch in on that throbbing quality. (9)” 
― Pema Chödrön, When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Hard Times

Letting go seems to have become a subtle theme for me this year.
I have had to learn how to let go of people
Many of whom have transcended this world this year...most unannounced
I have started to REALLY let go of my subtitles, and simply be me.
I am trying, all the time
At times it is exhausting, trying to be so self aware and present that I loose the starting point...
It is easy to get lost in this big wide world...but holding on tighter to EVERYTHING is not the answer. At least, it is not the answer for me.

I met with a friend that was moving away recently, she was super high on where she was moving.
That she was ending her broken marriage, and making her own path.
Manifest destiny
The whole dinner, she talked and talked and talked about this new city she was moving to
she had memorized all the neighborhoods and what events happened when and how she was going to try it all, even things she never did before.
I sat through this whole dinner listening, openly listening...not the kind of listen that you appear to be listening, but really you are planning your response or next sentence.
When she came up for a breath, it was time to go.
I hugged her goodbye, wished her well and walked to my car confused.
I was feeling something but wasn't sure what it was.
It took most the rest of the night and then I realized what it was.
We had grown in two separate ways, and we were not able to really relate anymore.
I came to a moment of peace, I figured it out and was proud of myself for it.

A similar thing happened over the holidays,
I met a friend that I was super close to from high school in through college
He met me before I had plans to meet some ladies for tea.
He piggybacked on the date so to speak...he lives on the other side of the country
we use to talk alllllll the time, then he got married and it happened less and less often.
Now it is down to a text message at our respective birthdays.
This holiday,he texted that he was in town and I should come over to his brothers place to hang out while his family got ready to leave and go to a nearby town to meet with other family.
Initially I was upset at how caviler he acted about the text.
The Barren holds anger towards him for dropping me like a potato.
Instead, I explained that I was meeting some friends nearby, so why not meet me there early and we can chat ahead of the tea....
He first said no and then said sure.
When he did show up, he got two sentences in before his wife showed up and sat down next to him and listened to the conversation. (she said hello to me but that was about it, it is pretty commonplace for her. She use to interrupt the talks saying it was time to go) then his brother and wife and kids showed up...our little talk was witnessed by my girlfriends who scurried off into the cafe while we had our "nothing conversation" and talk about the weather.
About ten minutes in he said, well you better get some tea...and with that we hugged goodbye and that was that.
When I joined my girlfriends they said " WHAT WAS THAT?!" claiming that I had a smile on my face the whole time but clearly he was uncomfortable. I explained that he use to be my best friend from age 15 and once he got married, his wife was dead set on making sure he stopped our friendship...so it has grown apart. He is now really just a guy I went to high school with that I know a lot about. They asked why I was smiling so much, I told them....I was glad to see him.
I sent a text to him later that day saying it was nice to see him
it is yet to be replied to.
Growth
No hard feelings, just understanding.

I am thinking about what I want for myself for this next year.
I am thinking that wanting things/goals for myself is not a kind of selfish that has a negative connotation, but instead is a way to allow see myself grow!
I am looking to improve my self talk
and my belief in self worth


Wishes for a many leveled, many bright
many wonderful wishes new year to you all
  

Meditation for myself

This was read to us this morning as class was beginning.

I found it to be a great reminder, for our own lives and transformations

I am the decisive element

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element.

It is my personal approach that creates the climate.

 It is my daily mood that makes the weather.

I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous.

I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration,

 I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations,

 it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated,

and a person is humanized or de-humanized.

If we treat people as they are, we make them worse.

 If we treat people as they ought to be,

we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

by Goethe 

Keep on Trucking

OK

So my last few posts have been heavy and loaded with life crap

I am still in shock but, I finally got some good news

I submitted a portfolio of work that I had hoped :

" demonstrated a professional level of proficiency in the medium"

&

" Work that showed a consistent, well developed artistic vision"

I had waited years to submit to this group, 

they hold very high standards and quite frankly, 

I was intimidated to try until just now.

They are the oldest guild (of their kind) in the US, started in 1912

I had a "what the fuck" moment and submitted.

This year they also allowed online submissions and 

it saved me having to drive several hundred miles to submit my work.

Needless to say I was counting the days as the month grew longer 

and when the email finally arrived I was scared 

but, the first words were kind so I read further 

and it was a congratulations letter!

I told The Barren who in turn wanted to get wasted and hang from the ceiling....

but I was in shock so I told him I only needed a hug.

He was deflated...but gave me a hug.

I am still in disbelief.

I think after all these months of "No Thank Yous"

I am in disbelief that I possessed the ability to make something worthwhile

I finally let The Barren cheer for me and I had a little moment of cheering myself...

I did it.

I also made it through the annual 50,000 mile service update with the doctor.

It was low on drama and I was frank and forthright, and had a list.

I told her quite openly that my relationship with food had dramatically changed, 

and that most meals involve guilt and fear.

I told her that I think about everything I eat on a scale of  

" would the doctor think this was a right choice"

(How twisted is that! I know it is, but it doesn't stop me from thinking it still)

She looked concerned and after asking some basic do you smoke, how much do you drink, are you exercising questions, she tried to assure me that I am doing good, 

that I am in the right BMI (a number I do not believe in) 

and that I should keep on trucking. 

She also diagnosed me with Costochondritis

I have had this for almost a year and aside from feeling like " is this a heart attack?"

and some reassurances from women weightlifters

I was glad to hear that I wasn't in fact imagining it 

and I am NOT having heart attacks.

I had fasted for the appointment and by the time I left, I had to give blood too...

that was an hour of waiting and I was famished when I left...

there was a new vegan cafe I had yet to try 

so I was the first one in the door when they opened at 11am

(I had been up drinking water since 6am to plump up my veins so the vampire wouldn't miss)

 I had their "most popular" sandwich:

a vegan Ruben...after ordering it I wondered if I had made a good choice

mayo-ish stuff, cheeze-ish stuff, sauerkraut

first thing in my tummy for the day...

it looked like this:

watch out tummy here comes what I deem as breakfast

then it looked like this:

after I licked the plate

I wandered home, and did this:

It was a highly productive day

and it continues....

After reading another rejection letter today 

I stumbled on this and it made me laugh at myself...

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend, hiding from Father's day or celebrating yourselves!

Hope is a new word to embrace

Rejections are part of being an artist.

I know I have mentioned this before, but today I got another one 

and it seems to be a year of just being rejected.

Everything I have applied for, to date, has been rejected.

I know it is not " a reflection on my work"  but instead 

" There were so many beautiful, accomplished and uniquely creative photographs. Unfortunately your work was not chosen for the exhibition, but it was a pleasure to view your work, your accomplishments as a photographer and your dedication to the process of being an artist."

blah blah blah

I didn't use the word hope for almost a year. I didn't type it, write or say it. 

It was a sacred word for so long when we were trying to become parents. I was afraid to use the word casually, or on a whim...like saying the name of a demon or stepping on a crack in the cement. 

As I have started this process of stepping back from my lost dream, I have started to use it again as an empowering word again. I am not afraid to hope for things, 

I am just a bit cautiously optimistic in the 8 year wake of IF pain.

My art has given me a platform to try and use it again...

Every check I write to a gallery to view my work for consideration, 

every hour of research I do on the juror,

every image I review for compatibility for the shows theme or concept;

I pin hope on that last stroke of the key when submitting.

I know that I have tossed caution/fate into the wind. 

Art is subjective and curators/judges often have a vision of the show 

before even seeing any of the work. 

I try to forget about the submission until the week they are due to announce the results.

Even after all these years and all the rejections

It still feels like a kick in the heart when the generic letter arrives

I get sad 

I get mad

I get unsure of my self and my work

I wonder if I am on the right path, the right road or

in the right state of mind.

Somehow, I seem to always pull myself up by my bootstraps 

and write another check for chance, 

for HOPE.

I just keep working towards/for my dream of supporting The Barren and making him a kept man,

and having someone love my work as much as I think it is worth being loved.

Tuesday thoughts....in pictures

How Do You Calculate Your 

Contentment as an Artist?

by Lauren Purje

Women of a certain age

My birthday is around the corner and while speaking to my mother, 

I expressed that I had no problem with my age. 

I explained that in my mind, this milestone number 

will release me from all sorts of things...

but mostly THE PEP TALK statement 

" there is still time to try and have kids, don't give up!"

I am done with people telling me to not give up, keep trying

and that there is still time.

I am actually feeling kind of soapboxy about it lately.

 I've spent years waiting, trying and watching life go by 

as I pinned my hopes on something that wasn't going to happen.

Actually now is the time to LIVE

I don't want to give up on me, on us, on what we still have left!

My mother seemed a little emotional about my revolutionary call to arms. 

I see her watch me ever so closely when I have a little rant or rave. 

I have done this since I was a child...but not until recently was I ever really heard 

( that took loads of therapy to figure out)

So when I see her watch me, I see her witnessing her reality of time 

and how long ago she was 

a young (she was 22 when I came into being) mom 

and all the hopes and dreams she had for me.

She declared " this is quite a milestone for you then isn't it"

I changed the subject, as I didn't want her to become a puddle of tears.

We then talked about our daily practice of our power poses, was she doing her "wonder woman"?

We had seen a TED talk together all about changing your mindset by simply holding these power poses for 2-5 minutes a day or before a big stressful event.

I have been trying to "re-educate" my mother on her feminist theory as it seems to be slipping away as she ages. Reminding her that she still possesses power and a valid voice.

I told her I had come across

a photo of myself that my grandmother had, that had me in this same pose.

I have been holding this pose for decades, 

I was meant to be strong

resourceful

powerful and brave!

I am going to be a 45 year old woman!

who still wants to be Wonder Woman

Introspection

“Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget, how much you have always loved to swim.” 
― Tyler Knott Gregson

This was the quote read to us prior to practice.

it resonated with me

Thankful Thursday-Personal Goals

OK I am first to admit my personal goals are sometimes small and seem REALLY silly,

BUT

Today I met a personal goal.

I am in the middle of my period week, 

usually a day I am laid up and under the influence of a pain pill and bad television. 

Instead this morning, I got up and went to yoga.

It turned out that we had a substitute and it was a really challenging class, and I made it through.

I was in no pain, panting yes, but I didn't bleed out of my clothes and in fact I feel pretty darn alright!

I was even able to do a real version of this pose....

it has taken about a year and a half...and I might have been a little closer to the floor.....

but

my string bean arms are learning that I mean business and I want to be able to do a real push up. 

HELL YEAH!!

yoga love

I know that it looks like no big deal, but I am someone who has NEVER been able to do a push-up or pull-up so this turns out to be a BIG deal for me.

I am also happy to report that The Barren is still at it...

he is in his second week of running and I am so so so proud of him! 

I am reclaiming my body, I am dropping the protective layers I had built for so many years!

I am fine, I am whole...and getting stronger everyday.

Even when I feel unstable or unsure, I am growing stronger and more sure.

My feet are firmly planted on the ground.

10 years ago today, our goddaughter was born, and I attended the birth.

Watching her take her first breath, 

while trying to breath between my own mind-numbing menstrual pain.

three days later I was in the ER with a 10mm corpus luteum and a doctor asking us if we were done making babies. Our goddaughter had always been a marker of the start of the downfall.

 Last night we gave her a gift and listened to her tell us her birthday plans.

I was not remembering the pain or the sorrow...

I was lost in her joy.

We are slowing looking at other versions of ourselves. 

We are trying new things with our bodies and re-thinking our self-imposed restrictions.

This weekend is the anniversary of the day we asked each other to marry each other.

I am so thankful that my vision was so clear to ask The Barren to marry me.

I am so thankful that we are taking this journey together.

I am so thankful that we are each others cheerleaders.

I am so thankful

And to all a good night

Thank you everyone for your lovely notes for The Barren....he was most touched.

Sometimes this is a TALL order,
but worth aiming for over and over again.

It has been a whirlwind of changes and stress and work, which is why I have been MIA from this beautiful wonderful place of love and personal growth.

I referred to it as my mourning dress,
as my relationship with ice cream has forever changed

To start with I made it through my gallery shows and this year for the big Warhol-ian event I wore this lovely number, along side new gallery shoes that didn't make my feet hurt at all...strait out of the box even! I sold work for the 5th year in a row...which in itself was a personal goal I gladly met.

I had a funny thing happen to me that has happened every time I met someone of noteworthy status...It gets interrupted or goes amok at that exact moment of introduction. 

Like the universe thinks, nope she doesn't really need to meet this person.

It has happened when I was introducing myself to this personal idol, that I had see give a talk. She actually walked away while I was shaking her hand and introducing myself to her...I finished my introduction by yelling my name across the crowded gallery to her....it was mortifying and I left in a pool of tears...vowing to never mention her name again. 

That was over 10 years ago...clearly I am making slow steps back to saying her name.

It happened again when I worked at a bookstore and I walked up to ask this person if he needed help or had any questions about inventory...except no actual words came out of my mouth instead it was a lovely line of gibberish that made him smirk and I walked away mortified.

Alas, it happened at this last event, except I laughed when I realized what was happening...

As a friend was introducing me to this person, and my hand was extended someone next me put two hands on my arm and physically pushed me out of the way....in such a way that when the friend and person turned back towards me (after motioning to my work on the gallery wall) I had literally disappeared into the sea of people in the gallery...swallowed up. 

I am trying to figure out what the universe is trying to tell me...or if I am just really bad at introductions and I purposefully stumble. 

I'll get back to you on that.

As for changes, The Barren and myself took the week of turkey to turn our whole house upside down!  The motivation started with me having a severe night terror that woke The Barren because I was screaming that someone was at the end of the bed...in his half awaken state he started thrashing and because I can not see without my glasses it made me even more frightened as I was waking and we were both screaming and hitting the air until we were both awake enough to realize nothing was there. None the less it made us think...we need to change shit around and get rid of this. So we burned sage, and hex remover (yep The Barren picked up a jar of the stuff when he was in 

Memphis) We had made a huge list of things we wanted to do in the house and felt that it was monumental to try and do half of the things...turns out we did almost all of them!

It started with repairing the garbage disposal, and then getting rid of a bunch of furniture, and then hacking some ikea stuff and making it into other things and then getting rid of clothes and extra things that we just never thought too much about.

I got rid of childhood things and came to realize that many of the things I was holding onto were for the invisible child we can't share it with...it was a hard real reality but I came to the understanding calmly and consoled myself by say "there is some other child that would love this, I am going to give it to them"

The end result is that our home feels totally different....like a new place.

It doesn't feel sad anymore.

I guess I didn't realize that it felt sad in our house...

in the absence I became aware of the presence.

Now as we slide into the holidays...we are working strait on through them. I have to work on xmas eve and the day after xmas as does The Barren. We have decorated the house and got a little 2ft tree that we placed little resin birds and straw ornaments I got in eastern Europe a decade ago.

We have our menorahs out as well as a Krampus and some Buddhas for good measure.

It feels festive and today a new couch arrived...another on our huge list of things to make us happier.

As the night comes to you, know that I am wishing you a wonderful holiday

I send hugs and love to each of you and wish you a serene, and divine celebration.

xoxox

The Barreness

Boo- this is your self doubt knocking!

 

I can not tell you how much I love this little GIF.

I don't care if it is real or not...it makes me laugh.

 

 

This is my favorite time of year, but I fear the drought will last though the year still....making the fall far from cold and rainy and windy...but instead keep us on our toes for fires and water restrictions.

I have become the water police in our neighborhood, calling landscape companies and hotlines to report water being wasted....it is scary I have become that woman.

I should wear my pointed hat on the next call....scary...ooo

 

This time of year offers a cocoon of sorts in my mind...the last of this years submissions are by weeks end and I am relishing in the fact that I can kind of rest my mind, cocoon maybe sew something or bake something or simply step away from the ledge or anxiety and fear and self doubt.

I have been on the verge of tears recently.
I feel quite raw, and fragile.
My mantras have been helping, and I can recognize when that self doubt is talking under an action.
I asked my brother today if he feel confident, in new situation or situation in general and he said no.
I didn't question further but I find it interesting as I only see him as self confident and ballsy.
Ironically, I visited with an artist friend who is very successful and she and a couple other friends were voicing their own self doubt as of late, I find their thoughts interesting...and comforting.

Artist friend #1:

As far as my attitude about my work…here goes…I seriously feel it is never good enough, pretty sure at the end of most days it is total crap and I wake up mostly in fear daily that I will never be able to have a good idea or at least not be able to paint one if I managed to have one. I recently found photos of a large painting that was going splendidly until I was totally unable to finish it as I wanted to…so, it turned into something completely different. Now, I am going to try that same idea again and demand better results from myself. 

"Paint what you love, paint a lot and find a good gallery…someone who shares your passion and respects what you do." That is my mantra.

Artist friend #2 forwarded this article " universal artist experience"
stating she was toggling between bargaining and depression:
 

Here’s an idea of what these stages mean to me:

Denial: This is not bad…not the painting I had in my head when I started…but maybe this will work…
Anger: Why isn’t this working? Why can’t I find that color? Why can’t I draw a horse?
Bargaining: OK, if you (the Art God?) just let me get this one painting done in time for the show, I promise I’ll clean up my studio and give up popcorn…and maybe ice cream.
Depression: This is never going to work. What made me think I could paint?
Acceptance: Well, this is not bad. This is going to work for now and the next one will be even better. I hope. I just have to keep working at it and I will get as close as I can before I die.

So I take comfort in knowing that we are all mad and sometimes crippled with self-doubt.

Comfort in numbers I guess.