Friday, September 07, 2018

The Debriefing

Having a miscarriage at 48 is very different than one at 36
My body reacted differently
My mind was in a different place
My heart was in a different place and settled in a new and different way.

I was numb for a long time
almost like my whole being went into a fight or flight reaction
from information long ago learned.

I postponed my yearly physical by a week, 
The Barren will be traveling during the original time 
and I didn't want to be alone when I got back home from another doctor visit.

I am done with doctors
but I understand I still need to advocate for myself,
so I still get all the required check-ins 
so I am not as rebellious as I imagine myself to be.

In the week, when the bleeding finally stopped, I went back to yoga with a gusto
and I found myself saying to myself....
" be kind to yourself, you just had a miscarriage"
I was trying to be kind, to excuse when I felt weak

I waited for the bleeding to stop to tell my parents, 
I felt a heavy weight to share it with my mother in particular.
When I did tell her, I heard myself explaining in great detail that there might not have been an embryo in this miscarriage, reassuring her I was alright and that I was responsible and had many doctors tell me that I was in no danger.
She said she was sorry that I had to experience this again...
I told her I get to experience and process loss
that is what I get to do in this lifetime.

She shared with my father what happened and he when he heard my voice on the phone,
he said:
" I am so sorry, I don't know what else to say about it"
I told him that was perfect and thank you
then he told me I was a strong woman, 
this made me almost totally collapse into a puddle.

I haven't seen them since sharing the news, that is unusual.
I called and checked in a couple of time afterwards, to make sure all were alright

I think this has highlighted a couple things for me:
I am older
I can handle loss, repeatedly 
I am stronger now because of what I have experienced in the past
I can 
I am also able to let myself grieve 

I feel in many ways it might have been a sign from my body that I have crossed the last line of fertility. Even when I thought it was past, this was the final proof of that.

I had a dream before this all began, and I had seen myself dead in photographs
Like and out of body experience of seeing myself in a dream
when I looked up the meaning on several dream dictionary sites, they all said the same thing:
"In your dream you see yourself dead, at first you may think this is about you being dead. However it’s not, this dream is about you moving forward into being a new person.
You are growing and maturing as a human being and you’re ready to move to the next phase of your life and you’re ready to leave the old you behind.
This type dream is important because it shows that you are growing and developing your spiritual side and gives you the message that you’re headed in the right direction."
I am taking some comfort in this knowledge from the greater sources


1 comment:

Mali said...

I don't have much to say, simply because there's so much wisdom in this post from you. Grieving is still grief, but at least when we've done it before, we know what to expect, I guess. I'm sorry you've had to go through this, but glad that you're letting yourself grieve. And your dad said the perfect words. Sending hugs.