This week was the closest I've been to actually having a mental break.
Everything seemed to tumble into me
I was overwhelmed by the news
I was overwhelmed with my life
I was overwhelmed by driving
I was overwhelmed by having to choose what to eat
I was overwhelmed my responsibilities
I was overwhelmed and emotional
I was overwhelmed by the sense of loneliness
I made myself go to yoga on Friday thinking
this is your social moment,
this is what will keep you from floating away.
I had been sitting at home staring at submission screens thinking: why?!
I had gone into work that week
I had made dinner for us that whole week
I had paid bills and did laundry
and then the whole world seemed so big and sad and burning and angry
and upside down and wrong, so so wrong.
I could feel it all and it made me tip
I forced myself out of bed, even though I wanted to spend the day sleeping and under the covers
I functioned but felt empty.
After yoga class
I went home and cried some
(I don't cry much these days so I thought that was a good sign)
then my mother called and I told her now was not a good time.
(conversations with my parents have shifted as of late and require a lot of emotional strength and effort to simply listen and not try and say much of anything, which seems to go unnoticed)
I showered and got dressed and sat.
The old man cat laid on me like a tiny weighted blanket, checking on me
as I laid there and stared into nothing.
I slept a little
and then The Barren came home from work
I ate something
and we crawled into bed.
I promised him I'd not look at news anymore
I had attempted to empty my FB account of personal images
leaving my business one with only work
Yesterday I took the news off my phone,
so no more notices of the next bad and horrible that has happened.
I called senators and congress people and asked them to support important issues
protect our planet and our under-represented people.
I unsubscribed from political emails that I get texts from every hour
The Barren made me promise to protect myself
I feel sooo much sometimes it is dangerous to my mental health.
so I have been focusing on quieting my mind for a little while
I have been asking myself what else I can do to make a difference as one person.
I have been focusing on the things I am doing
and how it means something.
I am trying